The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Feel Confident Having Sex with Someone New

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

EPISODE 33: How To Feel Confident Having Sex With Someone NewAfter my last break up, I chose not to have sex for over four years.During that time, feelings of embarrassment and shame for going so long without came up and I was also faced with many new fears: what if no one found me attractive ever again?What if no one wanted to have sex with me?What if someone new didn’t like my body?What if I’ve forgotten how to have sex and perform badly for someone new?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I share the practical strategies I used to help me increase my sexual confidence again so that when the time came for me to jump into bed with someone new, not only would I feel ready for it, but I’d feel my most sexually empowered, most sexually confident self. If you’re feeling nervous about having sex with someone new, this episode’s for you.Here’s a peek at what we cover: 1. Facing Post-Breakup Insecurities: I discuss the challenges and self-doubt that can arise after a significant relationship ends, leading to a hiatus from sexual encounters2. The Importance of Sexual Confidence: I emphasise the significance of feeling confident in your own skin and explore the impact of self-assurance on the overall experience of sex3. Three Layers of Confidence: Introducing The 90/90 Mindset Concept, I break down the three layers of confidence you need to master, focusing on how these layers apply to sexual confidence4. Positive Self-Talk: I share my simple strategy for shifting negative thoughts to positive beliefs, encouraging excitement and anticipation for future sexual experiences5. Acting Confident: We look at practical tips including investing in attractive underwear, using perfume, and maintaining good self care habits to feel sexy and confident, even when not in a relationship6. Conjuring Up Confidence: I reveal the enjoyable exercise you can use to conjure up feelings of confidence in your body within minutes so that when the time comes for sex with someone new, your body’s used to these feelings7. Self-Fulfilment: As an advocate for fulfilling your own sexual needs, we talk about building an intimate connection with yourself to enhance confidence and enjoyment during partnered experiences8. Building Trust: While discussing trust in the context of sexual encounters, I’m encouraging you to trust your instincts and communicate openly with your partner(s)Throughout the episode, I touch on the importance of detachment, honesty and self-awareness when re-entering the dating and sexual scene, offering a relatable and empowering perspective on embracing your sexuality.Check out The Confidence Course for more practical tools to increase your self confidence - sexual and otherwise.Episodes mentioned:This Simple Concept Will Help You Date with ConfidenceI Know What I Deserve NowGet Involved!Contribute your stories here. Website / Instagram Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When I split up with my ex-boyfriend, my most recent breakup, I didn't have sex for over four years. That was a long time. Four years was a fucking long time. And I had to deal with a lot of thoughts and shame and embarrassment around that for a long time. And I worked myself through that. But then I started to think about having sex with someone new. And I'm not going to lie, I was pretty nervous about it. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief

that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident af on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single

friends. I was always quite confident sexually when I was younger. I was always, I don't know if I'd say the word promiscuous because that sounds like such a negative word and I don't believe in hating on women or judging women who sleep around. I don't see anything wrong with it if that's what you want to do, go for it. And I slept around quite a bit when I was younger. I was always very confident sexually. Sleeping with someone new was never an issue. It was something that happened. I say it happened regularly. There was a period of my life for about 18 months where it happened quite regularly.

And that's because I was abroad and not in a relationship. And I had a lot of fun. I was never nervous about it. I always felt very empowered. I felt in control. I felt confident. I liked in control. I felt confident. I liked the way that I behaved, the way that I acted, the confidence that I had around sex. I always felt really good about it. And then after my last breakup and not having slept with someone

for so long, I did feel pretty nervous. My body's changed a lot since my last relationship. I mean, it's not changed that much but I'm older I'm not as skinny as I was in my 20s I've obviously put on weight my body shape's changed I've got things like veins on my legs that I don't really like more stretch marks those kind of things and when you have been single for a while or when you have left a relationship and then the prospect of sleeping with someone new comes up I feel like we get these doubts and questions in our mind especially if our bodies have changed that can cause a bit of panic and concern because we think well I mean my ex loved me he was used to seeing me naked all the

time but this person's never seen my body how are they gonna perceive it what are they gonna think am I gonna be good enough there's a lot of fears and worries that come up and I was nervous about being naked in front of someone again I was nervous about not knowing what to do. I was worried that I would put in a poor performance. I had so many things that I was concerned about. But I knew that I did not want to go into my next sexual encounter, my next sexual scenario, feeling like I lacked confidence. I didn't want to go in nervous. I wanted to go in feeling confident. So when I started dating again, and I knew that at some point I would inevitably be having sex with someone new again, I started to work on increasing my sexual confidence. I started to focus more of my energy on that specific area as opposed to confidence in general I'm always working on

myself I've been working on my mindset for the past 13 plus years I am constantly striving to become the best version of myself but in this scenario as a part of my dating life I started to consciously think of the way that I could improve my sexual confidence again so that by the time I would have sex again which I got back on the horse by the time that moment would come I would feel confident and I would be able to enjoy it because what I was also concerned about was that I would be so in my head and so worried about everything that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. And I don't know about you, but I don't want bad sex anymore. I've had a couple of instances when I was younger where it wasn't great. And I don't want that for my future self.

I don't want that for my present self. So I wanted to ensure that I could enjoy any encounter I was entering into now in order to do this I used the three layers of confidence based on the 1990 mindset concept which is the concept I created to help you feel confident every single day and we go into the concept itself in more detail in the episode this simple concept will help you date with confidence which of course I will link for you in the show notes but I'm going to run through an aspect of this concept specifically related to improving your sexual confidence in this episode so the one of the core principles of the concept is that there are three layers of confidence that you need to work on in order to create the confidence you need to get everything that you deserve in your life.

These three layers are think confident, act confident and feel confident. So in the context of sex, first of all, we'll look at the think confident layer. Instead of worrying about the what-ifs, what if they don't like my body, what if no one finds me attractive, what if I've forgotten what to do, what if they think I'm rubbish, I chose to focus on all the positives and I shifted into the energy of excitement. I can't wait to have sex again, I can't wait to be naked in front of a man. I wonder who I will finally have sex with. Sex is so much fun. My first time with someone new is going to be amazing. So I would tell myself these positive things and I would make myself believe all these positive things about sex, as opposed to getting stuck on the negatives or the what-ifs or the worrying about things that would likely never happen. And I also used my switch your story

process which is something that I teach in depth inside of the confidence course which I will also link in the show notes for you. So anytime a negative belief came up I would follow my four-step process to rewrite and reprogram that thought so that it didn't hold me back from the end goal. The end goal in this scenario being having sex with someone new. For example, I looked at the thought, what if no one finds me attractive? When I thought about that, I asked myself, is this a true fact for everyone in the world? Or is this a belief I've created? So the worry was, what if no one finds me attractive? Now there are billions of people in the world. It is a lie that there is not a single person in the world that would find me attractive. For a start, I find myself attractive. So that in itself, you know that it's a lie. So therefore, it's a belief that I had created, a belief that

was running through my mind. But because it's a belief, it can be changed. So then I asked myself, is this belief holding me back? Is this belief holding me back from having the sex that I want? Yes, it's holding me back because it is stopping me from wanting to put myself out there because I'm concerned that no one's going to find me attractive. And once I can identify that a belief is holding me back, I can recognise that that makes it a negative belief, I can choose to see that belief as bullshit. I can choose to see it as a lie. So then using the switch your story process, the four step process is uncover the belief, rewrite the belief, prevent the belief and reprogram the belief. So I uncovered it, I rewrote it, I prevented it by doing things that make me feel

attractive on a daily basis. So when I feel attractive with myself, I know that other people will find me attractive. And then I reprogram that belief by repeating a new mantra, I am an attractive woman. Now, as I said, the full process is in depth inside the confidence course but that is just a very brief overview of it now and with that new mantra I am an attractive woman I repeat that over and over and over again to remind myself that that is very much a belief that I held about myself when I was younger and it is very much a belief that if I could believe it then I can believe it now and if I believe I'm, other people are going to find me attractive. Then on to the act confident layer.

So this is where I used practical actions such as buying new underwear and then dressing in that underwear and wearing clothes that made me feel sexy. So I don't need a partner to dress up in nice underwear. I don't need to wait for a moment that I'm going to be naked in front of someone or that I'm going to be undressing in front of someone for me to be wearing attractive underwear or for me to be underwear that makes me feel attractive. I can do that for myself now. I do do that for myself now. And I think that's really important because I also got used to wearing the more seductive underwear so that it wasn't a case of when I was putting underwear on on the first day, knowing that I was gonna probably be taking off for someone later,

it didn't feel alien to me. It didn't feel uncomfortable. It didn't feel unnatural. And because it didn't feel unnatural, it wasn't something that I had to worry about. I wasn't consciously thinking oh my god I've got the nice underwear on, that means I'm gonna have to do the deed. No, I wear good underwear because it makes me feel good. Things like using perfume that I liked, perfume that made me feel attractive, perfume that made me feel sexy, and applying body lotion daily, making sure that my skin was in the best condition possible, not because I might be getting naked in front of someone, but because I want to feel attractive now. These are all things that I did on a daily basis before I started having sex again, so that I would feel sexy to myself,

because I do genuinely believe that it is so important that you find yourself attractive. And then there are the other practical things like fulfilling your own sexual needs. You don't need to wait for somebody else to fulfill those needs. Fulfill them yourself. Use toys, use your hands, use whatever you want to do. But the more you connect with your body, the more you get used to touching your body, satisfying your own needs, the more you build that intimate connection with yourself, the more confident you're going to feel having sex with someone else. And let me tell you, when you are connected to yourself, it also makes the sex better because you know what you like and when you know what you like you can tell someone you can direct the other person

to do the things that you know are going to make you feel good and that's pretty fucking sexy for you and for the person that you are with then when it comes to feeling confident to feel confident in myself against sexually, I, I mean this is a great exercise, I reminisced on all of the positive sexual experiences I had in the past, I mean I'm not gonna lie, I've thought about these quite a lot over the last four years because it has just been me, myself and I, so these memories have been floating around my mind for quite a while. I've got enough experiences to have kept me going for all of that time. But in the context of this exercise, I reminisced on all those positive experiences and I reminded myself that they were possible again. So I thought back to all the times that I had great sex, all the times that I felt confident when it came to sex, all the different people that I slept with and I reminded myself that there is no reason that that

can't happen again. There is no reason that I cannot experience good sex again. There is no reason for me not to enjoy sex again. There is no reason for me to not have that sexual confidence again. I visualized those moments and I conjured up those feelings of confidence in my body, those feelings of sexual empowerment and I held on to them for a little while so that I'd get used to them being in my body and let me tell you, this shit works because the first time that I had sex again after four years, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I knew what I was doing I felt fucking amazing we both enjoyed ourselves multiple times it was brilliant and I genuinely believe that because of the work that I've done to build my sexual confidence again

that's why I was able to enjoy it so much otherwise I think I would have been in my head or I don't even think like I know for a fact I would have been in my head so much I would not have enjoyed myself. Now a few other things so aside from the work that you do on yourself which you are in control of which is your responsibility it's also important that you trust the person you are sleeping with. Now sure you can go out and have one night stand you don't really need that much trust there this is more if you are if you I suppose this is more if you have been out of the game for a little while if you maybe had a bad breakup or if you're just feeling super anxious about being with someone new maybe if you're in a long-term relationship maybe if you haven't slept with that many people before this is probably more for you in terms of the trust if you are used to well I mean if you're used to going out there and hooking up with

different people then you're probably not going to be listening to this episode because you're probably pretty confident in yourself sexually anyway um but yeah I think trusting the person that you're about to sleep with is really really important if it is early days and you've only just met them then there's probably only so far that you can trust them because you don't really know them that much yet but I would say always listen to your gut instinct and if your gut gives you a warning run you will find somebody else to have sex with again you will find somebody else to break the seal to get you back on that horse. If something about you feels like it's not a hell yes get out find someone else. Now the person that I slept with for the first time I was actually

pretty honest with him about feeling nervous and I'd said how I told him how long it had been I talked about why it had been so long I was honest that I was nervous about it and we talked about sex quite a bit in our messages before we met up and before it actually happened so that already had begun to boost my confidence I think in this situation I was probably in a different position because he wasn't a stranger as such it was somebody that I had met in real life like 12 years previously or like I think the last time I saw him was about a decade ago so because he wasn't a stranger maybe that was a bit different for me because we had had these open and honest conversations we talked about sex

a lot before we had chemistry from the past we texted a bit before we went on our first date so I had already shared how I was feeling and that helped me to relax a little bit more I was still a bit nervous and even like when I went to stay with him I said to him like I'm a bit nervous but that helped it helped to be honest and turns out I had absolutely nothing to worry about because it it still works the same sex doesn't change I also think that it is important that you have sex when you want to and not because you feel like you have to or because you think it'll make a guy like you or it'll make them stick around I was very much ready I knew that I was ready to have sex again. I didn't do it because he pressured me,

because I felt like I had to, because I just wanted to get over and done with. I didn't do it because I thought it would make him take me on a second date. I didn't do it for any reasons other than I was ready. I wanted to. It was the right environment. It was the right person felt good at

the time and I don't know if this sounds sad or not but I was very much detached from the situation and I asked myself if I have sex with him and it amounts to nothing meaning we don't go on any other dates will I be upset and the answer was no I wouldn't be upset and I talked about this in the I know what I deserve now episode where I was sexting with a guy that I'd met on bumble and I asked myself in that episode if I never met up with him would I still be okay sending these messages and the answer then was yes and I think that being that detached for me was a good thing because if I had entered into that situation with the intention that it would lead to a second date that something more was going to come from it or with the intention that we were going to continue dating for ages or because I was like in that anxious, obsessive,

excited, overenthusiastic energy, I think that would have been worse because I would have been so attached to a certain outcome of that scenario, which I don't think is healthy. Whereas I was very detached. I was very certain in the situation I was trusting I had conversation with myself before it happened if he'd never messaged me again after the sex am I gonna be bothered and the answer was no and I mean the truth is yeah of course I'd probably be a bit like well does that mean I'm crap in bed um but I also knew that that was not gonna be the case I knew I was like 99% certain that there would be no scenario in which we slept together and I would never hear from him again.

At the end of the day, confidence is the sexiest thing that you can wear. So before you jump into bed with someone new, work on feeling confident in yourself. This is the best thing that you can do for yourself. And even if you are in a relationship even if you've been having sex with the same person for however long build your self-confidence continue to work on your self-confidence because confidence only enhances things when it comes to the bedroom trust me the more confident you are the better the sex is going to be because you won't be in your head worrying about do I look right am I looking good in this position? Is my face looking horrendous? What faces am I pulling? What noises am I making? Do I look hot? Does he fancy me? Am I doing it right? You won't be in your head worrying about all that. You'll just be focusing on, oh my god, this sex is fucking great. And it will encourage you to, I don't know, perhaps be a bit more experimental.

Try a few new things. Get into some different positions. Test out a few kinks. Whatever. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear. So whether you're having sex with someone new after a really long time. Whether you've just come out of a relationship and you want to sleep with someone else. Whether you've only ever slept with one or two people in your life.

Whatever it is. Work on building your confidence and I hope that by me sharing the things that I've been doing consistently for a few months now and I did before I had sex again, I'm hoping that these exercises will help you feel confident as well. If you have any questions then please do get in touch, go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute you can contribute anonymously you don't have to leave your name you can ask me any questions you can share whether this was helpful you can share a tip that you've used to feel confident having sex with someone new in your own life we're a community here so anything that we can do to support each other I want to

hear from you so go there chat with me and when you've had sex let me know let me know if increasing your confidence made the sex any better i guarantee it did but i want to hear it from you as well um if you get a second do me a favor subscribe leave me a review rate me on spotify leave me a review on itunes get involved with the spotify polls or the question sticker there just get involved with me and if you want to improve your self-confidence in all areas of your life whether it be your relationships whether it be dating sexually your career finances health and wellness whatever it is then do check out the confidence course which is my six module self-paced course to help you build an unwavering foundation of self-confidence.

Or you can also check out the confidence kit, which is a free resource that I have got for you that will help you to start to build that confidence. Obviously, the confidence course is in so much more detail and it includes a lesson on raising your relationship standards, which I think is super important. But the confidence kit is your gateway in to building that unwavering self-confidence. That's it from me. Coming next is a little dating story. So I've got a brand new dating story for you.

We haven't had one of these for a little while. It is about a date with the tech guy. And date three would have happened if he hadn't said this I'll see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you. you