The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Know if You're in the Wrong Relationship

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

EPISODE 01: How to Know if You’re in the Wrong Relationship Everyone deserves to be in a loving, healthy relationship where they feel supported, empowered and safe. But how do you know if you��re in the wrong relationship?Relationships can be confusing, especially when it comes to deciding if something is worth staying in or walking away from. It can be difficult to determine when something is not right, when to draw the line, and if it’s time to move on. In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, we’ll be looking at 5 common signs you could be in the wrong relationship and what to do when you’re doubting whether to stay and make it work or pack your bag and move on.Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackAttract on the AppsThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseGet weekly-ish updates, exclusive offers and access behind the scenes gossip when you become a podcast insider.Visit The Date with Confidence website here.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We look for this evidence because subconsciously we don't want to be in that relationship anymore. Subconsciously we know that we deserve better, subconsciously we know that the relationship has run its course, subconsciously we know that we want out and rather than facing the truth of that and having to be the one that says I don't want to be with you anymore, we try and find evidence so that we've got an excuse to leave. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help

you feel confident AF on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends relationships can be confusing especially when it comes to deciding if something is worth staying in or if it's time to walk away it can be difficult to determine when something is right when something is not right when to draw the line and whether or not it's time to move on. It can be difficult to determine when something is right, when something is not

right, when to draw the line and whether or not it's time to move on, especially if you've been with someone for a while and there has been love there in the past. In this episode of the Date with Confidence podcast we're going to look at five common signs you could be in the wrong relationship and what to do when you're doubting whether to stay and make it work or pack your bag and move on. Now if you're listening to this episode it's probably because you feel uncertain about your relationship because if you're in a happy relationship you wouldn't search for how to know if you're in the wrong relationship. So perhaps you've got like a strong gut feeling that something's off or there's a little voice of doubt or questioning in

your mind. It could be that you've been in this relationship for years or something seems to have changed or maybe that you maybe you've just started dating someone and a few months in you're having doubts about them. Perfectly normal. Whatever your personal situation your gut instinct is never wrong. But instead of taking that feeling and immediately thinking you need to end the relationship, try and tune into it and understand what it's actually telling you. Because it may be that there are just things that could be worked on in the relationship. It may be that the balance is off. It may be that they've done something that's upset you. Or maybe you've been working on yourself and you've decided you want to head in a new direction with your life.

And you're concerned that they might not want to grow with you. So ask yourself, is your gut clearly communicating you need to end things? Or has something happened that needs work from both parties so both you and your partner and a commitment to make a change moving forward because what's really important you could come to the conclusion that there is work that needs to be done in your relationship but without the commitment from the both of you it's not gonna have the desired impact that you both need to commit to your relationship to working on yourselves individually and together as a couple if you struggle to connect with your gut instinct and find it hard to understand what it's trying to tell you here are five common signs

of an unhealthy relationship so you don't feel safe voicing your opinions or needs, you don't have a life outside of your partner, you and or your partner experience extreme jealousy, you live in constant fear that your partner will cheat on you or leave you, and you don't trust your partner and you check up on their every move. Now before we look at these in more detail I just want to preface this by saying that if you recognise yourself or your relationship in this list don't beat yourself up. It's nothing to feel guilty about, it's nothing to feel ashamed about, don't start blaming yourself. Feeling ashamed is not going to get you anywhere. Simply acknowledge that you relate to that point, get curious about why it could be and make a commitment to yourself, not your partner, to work on healing it.

And so that you don't feel called out, because I know that that can happen sometimes, know that I have been in a relationship more than once where I've experienced all five of these signs. So I'm speaking from my own experience based on unhealthy relationships that I've had in the past. So one was you don't feel safe voicing your opinions or needs. Typically in a relationship you spend a lot of time with your partner. After a while you may move in together and then you're spending every day with them. Not all day every day but every day you're seeing them because you live together so and then you're spending every day with them not all day every day but every day you're seeing them because you live together so of course you're going to see each other so it's important you feel safe to use your voice to share your opinions to talk about things that have upset you to let them know if what they've done has hurt you to even just say this

is what I want to do this is how I'm feeling it's important you can do that without fear without feeling afraid or worry that you might be judged or criticized you need to feel safe communicating your needs without worrying about what their reaction might be and this doesn't just come from the way they may make you feel although it very much can this also can come from your past so things that have happened perhaps in your childhood things that have happened throughout your life as you've grown up, things that have happened in past relationships, they could be impacting whether you feel safe to speak up or not. It might not be that your partner doesn't make you feel safe, perhaps they are there, they are being supportive, they are letting you know that it's safe for you to speak up, yet there's still a part of you that doesn't feel safe so it's important to look at it from

both ways and there are absolutely times where I've been in relationships where it is my partner that hasn't made me feel safe but there are also times where I've been in a relationship and my partner has made me feel as safe as possible yet my fears and past experiences have stopped me from allowing myself to be safe in that safe space because of what's happened historically when I have voiced my own needs. Now of course there are going to be times when conflict arises because you're in a relationship, all relationships have conflict at some point. This is completely natural, but you should be able to handle conflict in a kind, loving, safe way. If that isn't possible, then I'm a big advocate for therapy, for counselling. So you might want to consider

speaking to a therapist who can help you both resolve any issues. So you could resolve your individual issues and you can also resolve your issues together and learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way that doesn't leave you feeling unsafe or hurt and likewise the same with your partner because we have to think about your partner in this as well. Many of us aren't taught how to handle conflict with kindness and we'll often copy patterns that our parents followed. So just know that if you're not currently handling conflict in a healthy way or you don't know how to handle conflict in a healthy way, that doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it doesn't mean anything negative about you, you just haven't learned the right way to handle it yet. It also doesn't mean that you need to break up. Just because you can't handle conflict healthily yet doesn't mean that you don't have the opportunity to learn how to handle

conflict better in the future together. The second thing was you don't have a life outside of your partner. So when you first enter a relationship with someone new, it's natural to step into that bubble of love and excitement and lust. And during those early days, everything is fresh and new and exciting. And you want to spend as much time as you possibly can with them, which is, again, completely natural. That's so normal for all of us to be in that little love bubble. but as the relationship blossoms it's really important to still maintain a life outside of your partner. If every part of your life revolves around them and what they want to do you run the risk of alienating yourself, of losing valued friendships and relying on your partner to make you happy. The healthiest

relationships are the ones where you both have a life outside of your relationship and then you come together as a partnership to share aspects of your life too. So this could mean you arranging monthly date nights with your girls or weekly date nights with the girls or spending time with your family or going out on your own like dating yourself once a week so that you've still got a sense of connection to yourself a sense of connection to your friends a connection to your family connection to your colleagues so that you're not just you and this person because then if they are ever not available, if something were to happen in the future where you did split up, you'd find yourself feeling really lonely and really vulnerable if you don't continue to build that support network around you whilst you're in a relationship.

And it's not just about that as well. Like, I do agree with the phrase like fondness makes the heart, no, distance makes the heart grow fonder is that the one like time spent apart helps you to reconnect with your partner regularly as well and I'm not saying you need to spend weeks away from them or like days where you sleep somewhere else like that's not the case at all but a few hours here or a day out there like then you can come back to your partner you have something exciting to talk about you can connect over your individual experiences and then you can plan to do things together and that's a really healthy way to have a relationship third was you and or

your partner have extreme jealousy now in my opinion a little jealousy is healthy and is normal. It shows how much you care for the other person, it shows that you love them, it shows that they are they are important to you. However jealousy to the point where you don't like your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex or the same sex if you're in a same-sex relationship, where you don't like other people looking at them, where you feel the need to question all their friendships or control what they wear so they don't get hit on by someone else, that's next level unhealthy. The jealousy is there for a reason and it is often down to you not feeling good enough or having the fear that they'll leave you or it's a case of you don't trust them because either they have done something in the past to lead you to not trust them or you've been

in relationships previously where you trusted that person and they broke that trust and now you've carried it forward into this new relationship. Extreme jealousy is something that can be worked through but first you really need to be aware that you're experiencing that jealousy and you need to accept that it is something you need support with and this can often be the hardest point is when when you have to accept that you are experiencing this negative emotion or you are experiencing this emotion that's impacting your relationship none of us want to be at fault none of us want to be the one in the wrong none of us want to be to blame for things yet there are times where we really have to take responsibility and say okay what am I doing in this situation

that is negatively impacting this relationship and that doesn't mean that you have to blame yourself or shame yourself it's just acknowledging this behavior isn't supporting me or the relationship that I want to have how can I handle it and what steps can I take because I know I can't control the actions of somebody else what actions can I control that I can take to improve this relationship and if not this relationship then future relationships then there was that you live in constant fear that your partner will cheat on you or leave you this has been my experience through I want to say every relationship every relationship no I think the first two no but I think the second relationship that I was in definitely made me think this like

living that fear that somebody would cheat on me or leave me. And I very much carried that through into future relationships, which impacted them massively. So again, speaking from my own experience, living in the constant fear that your partner will cheat on you or leave you is such an unhealthy space to be in because it consumes you so much. It consumes so many of your thoughts, it consumes the way that you behave, it consumes how you feel about yourself and about your relationship and about your partner. It's so unhealthy to be in that space. You use up so much headspace worrying about what could happen in the future or what they might be doing in the future that you don't actually enjoy the present moment and you forget to enjoy what's actually

happening in your current relationship and all the kind of good things that are going on. Your thoughts also have a massive impact on your body so if you're running away with these negative stories that may not even happen you could create feelings of anxiety which can impact your everyday life. I recently listened to possibly one of the best podcast episodes I've ever listened to it was on the Call Her Daddy podcast and it was Alex Cooper interviewing Shay Mitchell and one of the moments that really stood out for me was how Shay explained that she doesn't worry about her partner cheating and what she had to say really it just like blew my mind and I would really encourage you to listen to that episode especially if you are looking to improve your current relationship

or you are looking to start dating again you're looking for a long-term relationship that kind of stuff because it was really I don't know it just spoke to me on a really deep level I will leave the link to the podcast episode in the notes the show notes so that you can go and give it a listen but she essentially says and this is going to be a massive paraphrase because it was about an eight minute long part of the conversation. So this is essentially just paraphrasing. If he cheated on me, then our story ends, but I'll be OK. If you can take him from me, he's yours. I wasted so many sleepless nights for what?

Does it change how he acted? He's going to do what he's going to do. If it happens, you deal with it. But I'm's going to do if it happens you deal with it but I'm not going to worry about it before it happens and in terms of them I hope you're happy genuinely because when you truly love someone you want them to live their happiest life and if that's not with me I don't want to force that so as I said that's massively paraphrased and it makes so much more sense in context of the episode. But it really spoke to me. I was like, how many hours, how many nights did I lay awake worrying about my exes cheating on me, about being made to look like a

fool because they cheated on me worrying about what they were getting up to who they were with when they were going to leave me I wasted so much time worrying about those things and if it was going to happen it was going to happen regardless just because you worry for hours on end doesn't mean they're not going to do what they want to do it's like there's no oh if I worry for 20 hours then they're not going to cheat like no you'll waste your time worrying for 20 hours and they'll still go and do whatever the fuck they want anyway so why even worry about it and I know that it's easier said than done to not worry. But when you have, when you choose to adopt that mindset of, I'm not going to worry about this, and you create

the awareness around the thoughts that you have regularly, then when you have those thoughts, you can say to yourself, this isn't what I choose. I'm choosing not to worry. I choose to trust myself and know that whatever happens, whatever situation I'm in, I can handle it because I trust me and I trust my capabilities at handling whatever life is thrown at me. And when you step into that energy, not only do you free up so much headspace around what could happen but your relationship is going to be healthier anyway there's not going to be that friction of you second guessing or questioning or wanting to check their phone and see what they're getting up to because you're just going to be like whatever happens happens and I will handle whatever

comes my way and I wish I had had that mindset and adopted that energy in my previous relationships because I think it would have made things a whole lot better. And that's not to say that we'd still be together because I don't think we would, but it would have definitely improved the relationship for the length of time that it was supposed to last. So you cannot control the actions of other people, but you can control how you handle the actions of

other people. And as I said, I know it's easier said than done, not to worry, but it's definitely a practice that you can work on building. And then lastly, you don't trust your partner and check up on their every move, which kind of leads on from the previous point. So spending time each day checking your partner's phone, scrolling through their social media, trying to find evidence or proof that they've done something, trying to work out whether what your brain is telling you is true. It's not healthy at all. And again, you're using so much time and energy doing something that's never going to change the outcome sometimes i feel like we look for this evidence because subconsciously we don't want to be in that relationship anymore subconsciously we know that we deserve better subconsciously we know that the relationship has run its course subconsciously we know that we want out and rather than facing the truth of that and having to be the one that

says i don't want to be with you anymore we try and find evidence so that we've got an excuse to leave not in all cases, of course, because in some cases there are that gut instinct where you're like, nah, something is happening, something is going on, and you do want to do that detective work. And then in some cases, as we've mentioned previously, it's a case of a previous relationship has made you feel a certain way,

a previous partner has treated you a certain way, they perhaps cheated on you and now you've carried that trauma into your next relationship and that's why you're treating your new partner the same. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship and if you don't have that, do you really want that to be the relationship that you stay in? Now at the same time trust can be built, it can be worked on if you're both willing to commit to it but it's not an easy journey to go on, it's something you have to ask yourself. Now of course there are plenty of other signs of an unhealthy relationship but I feel like these are probably the five most common and these are definitely ones that I've experienced in probably all of my relationships so they're they're common so if you've realized that your relationship is unhealthy

now what do you do the good news is these are all things that can actually be worked on if you are both willing to communicate and to commit to working through them understand though that it can be a difficult uncomfortable process but if you truly love someone and you really want to make it work with them it's worth the temporary pain and discomfort. Going to individual and couples therapy can dramatically improve your relationship both with your partner and with yourself and I do think it's important to do a little bit of both because I think as individuals we have so much stuff that can be worked on based on our own personal

experiences and when we understand why we feel certain ways when we understand why we behave certain ways why certain things trigger us so much we can then move forward in our relationships with better knowledge and acceptance and also know how to handle things in future so if you know i'm trying to think of an example if you know that your dad walked out when you was a child and your dad walking out has left you with a fear that you're going to be left that your partner's going to walk out then when you are in situations in your relationship where that fear is very much real and present you can openly voice that to your partner and say this is what I experienced when I was a child this is why

you not coming home till four o'clock in the morning and not letting me know where you are is impacting me so much and is filling me with this fear that you're going to leave me and then you can get that reassurance from them when you can openly communicate what's going on for you personally you can work through it together as a couple and also I think in I think couples therapy now full disclaimer I've never done it but I very much believe in it and my future husband is very much going to be into couples therapy because we're going to go together but when you go to couples therapy you almost have a mediator so you have a safe space to voice your opinions to

communicate your needs to share things that have upset you so that you have a safe space to voice your opinions, to communicate your needs, to share things that have upset you so that you can come together and work through them together and I think that's a really great way to heal the relationship and to not even necessarily heal it but just to improve it going forward. You might have a healthy relationship and you just want to maintain the levels of that healthy relationship as you go on. So if you've realised your relationship is unhealthy and perhaps you're doubting whether it is right for you anymore, here is your five-step action plan to help you decide on what to do next. So step one, really tune into yourself, your intuition, look at your values and understand what's more important to you. Do you want to put in the work

to attempt to heal the relationship or is it time for you to walk away? Step two, trust your instincts and listen to your gut. When we recognise our relationship isn't what it was or what we want it to be, our heart can often be speaking the loudest. When you love someone, the thought of letting them go can be heartbreaking, but you have to do what's best for you. Your gut knows what you need to do, you just have to have the courage to listen to it. Now let me ask you a question, if you were in this exact same position where you are right now in one year's time, how would you feel? Just think about that for a sec. That's a horrible question. I'm really sorry. Step three, seek guidance from people you can trust. Whether you share your concerns with

friends or family or you seek professional support talking through talking things through with someone can help you make up your mind just be mindful that the people you love and the people who love you may be quick to criticize or talk badly about your partner because they love you and they just want what best want for you. It can be really hard for them to step backwards and see you as a couple as opposed to them just honing in on you as an individual. And if your partner has done something that's upset you, the people that we love can be very quick to jump in and judge them and criticise them because they're in defence mode to support you because they want what's best

for you that's not always very healthy especially if you decide that you want to stay with them then you have to live with the fact that this person that you love thinks all these horrible things about your partner so just be mindful who you decide to communicate this stuff with and I'm not saying don't speak to your friends and family about it because absolutely do but just be mindful who you decide to communicate this stuff with. And I'm not saying don't speak to your friends and family about it because absolutely do. But just be aware that sometimes their negative opinions can impact you in the long run. Step four, make a tough decision knowing that whatever you decide is the exact right thing to do at this moment in time. So don't worry about the future or stress about looking back and thinking it was wrong. Whatever you decide right now is right for you in the present moment. And this was advice that was given to me by my doctor.

So when I was 23, I fell pregnant with my ex and neither of us wanted the pregnancy we didn't want to be parents we were too young thank Christ I made that decision because of how things transpired over the years following but when I went to the doctor I was very conflicted around what to do. I was stuck. I was like, I don't know what choice to make. I knew in my heart and in my gut, the choice that I wanted to make, but I'd also been brought up with society's views on abortion and how that was a terrible thing to do. And it made you a bad person and you were killing a child and all this stuff that made me think that I couldn't follow my gut and follow my heart which was to terminate the pregnancy and I spoke to the doctor about it and I was like I was really afraid about the decision to make and she said to me

whatever decision you make is the right decision for you at this point in time. So it doesn't matter what decision you would make in one year's time, it doesn't matter what decision you would make in 10 years time, it doesn't matter what decision you would have made five years ago, what matters is that whatever you decide right now in this moment or in the moment of you making that decision, it is the right decision for you. So you can't look back on that decision with regret. And that's really helped me over the past 12 years, like whenever I've made a decision, it's really helped me to think about that and think, okay, well, I can't fuck it up, basically, no matter what decision I make, it's the right one.

Then step five is trust that everything is working out for you even if you can't see it now. Whatever path you're on right now is exactly where you should be and you don't have to understand why right now and you don't have to understand why right now but I guarantee at some point in your life you'll look back on this moment and realise why everything had to look the way it does. Now you can hate me me for saying that I hated me for saying that when I went through my last breakup because when you're in a really shit situation the last thing you want to hear is oh but everything's working out for you and I know this when I went through well literally the day that my ex told me over Facebook messenger that after five years together he didn't think we could be in a relationship anymore when that happened I just completely like broke like I just completely crumpled

felt like my world was over and I just remember saying to my mum I can't do this again like I just completely crumpled felt like my world was over and I just remember saying to my mum I can't do this again like I can't I cannot get through this again because it had happened with my boyfriend when I was 21 and I knew what was coming I knew the pain I knew the hurt I knew how long it was going to take I just did not want to go through it again and she said to me what would you say to someone else going through this and I said everything happens for a reason and I was so angry with myself that that was what I needed to hear I was like but this is rubbish like I know that this is true I know that this is happening for a reason and four years later I understand the reason so clearly but in that moment it was the worst thing to hear. So I know that however you're feeling right now,

that might be the last thing that you want to hear. But trust me when I say there will be a moment in the future, might be in a month's time, it might be in a year's time, it might be 10 years down the line, there will be a moment where you look back and you go god I'm glad that happened maybe things could have happened in a nicer way maybe it might it would have been better if things hadn't taken so long to heal maybe it just could have been less traumatic so many maybes but there will come a time where you realize that it happened for your good and that what was coming afterwards perhaps not immediately afterwards but at some stage what was coming afterwards was so much better than what you had and I believe that to my core everyone deserves to be in a loving healthy relationship where they

feel supported, empowered and safe and if you've been listening to this and realised that actually you no longer want to be in your relationship you can listen to the next episode on how to break up with someone in the kindest way and make sure you check the show notes for helpful resources on bouncing back from breakups, healing from heartbreak and rebuilding your self-confidence. You'll also find links to the other episodes in this season. So if you need help overcoming a breakup, getting over the guilt of ending a relationship or you want to feel confident after your breakup, you can head straight to that episode that you want to right now.

I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.