The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Level Up In Love

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

EPISODE 35: How to Level Up In LoveAre you ready to level up in love?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I delve into the crucial aspects of levelling up in love, drawing from personal experiences and insights.We cover a LOT in this ep, here’s a tiny overview:1. Mindset Tips for Levelling Up: We’re starting this episode by exploring in depth 3 powerful mindset tools you can use to help you improve your dating life whether you’re just getting started or you’ve been seeing someone for a while. 2. Learning to Be Less Reactive: We’re highlighting the significance of managing your reactions in new relationships. Instead of impulsively expressing emotions, I’m sharing exactly what I do to allow me to communicate from a calmer, more objective standpoint.3. Remove the Mask: We couldn’t ignore the importance of authenticity when it comes to dating! I talk about why it’s ok if your opinion is different to someone else’s and how I felt confident using my voice again.4. Striking the Balance Around Vulnerability: Finding a balance between openness and oversharing is crucial. I’m sharing my experience of being excessively vulnerable early on in relationships, leading to vulnerability hangovers and potential misunderstandings.5. Understanding Triggers: I’m opening up about how I navigate moments where past traumas influence my reactions to seemingly simple situations. 6. Observation vs Criticism: Using this simple phrase has helped me to not only communicate things better with the person I’m dating but it’s also allowed me to reassure myself in moments where, historically, I’d have felt rejected.7. Stop Ignoring Intuition:  We’re acknowledging the importance of intuition during dating and I’m sharing practical tips for how to build a deeper connection with yourself. I share personal experiences of ignoring my intuition and the subsequent lessons I learned.8. Anxiety vs Butterflies:  We’re distinguishing between anxiety and the excitement of butterflies. My suggestion is to get curious about these feelings, practising self-soothing techniques and resetting the nervous system for better emotional well-being.We end the episode stressing the value of self-validation and I invite you to explore Level Up In Love, a brand new three-month program aimed at helping you date with confidence, set better boundaries and manifest a healthy relationship.Find out more here: Level Up In LoveEpisodes mentioned:This Simple Concept Will Help You Date with ConfidenceYour Dream Relationship Exists: Here’s How to Believe In ItHow to Deal with Rejection When You’re DatingAm I Delusional?Watch the video on the (Dis)Comfort Zone Come DownYou can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast. This episode is gonna be a juicy one. We are gonna talk about unhealthy patterns that you need to break and exactly how to break them. So we're gonna go quite into, we're gonna go in a lot of depth here. We're gonna talk about a lot of things. We're gonna talk about the three layers of confidence,

which is part of the 90-90 mindset concept, which I talk about in the episode titled this simple concept will help you date with confidence I want to say it's episode 19 I could get that wrong so I'll leave it linked for you in the show notes but we're going to look at the things that you need to change when it comes to the way that you think when it comes to the way you act and when it comes to the way that you feel when when it comes to the way you act, and when it comes to the way that you feel, when it comes to dating, meeting someone new, starting a relationship, or even if you've been in a relationship as well. So we're gonna, we're essentially looking at how to level up in love. So whatever has happened for you in the past either hasn't worked, or you have found yourself single again, perhaps it wasn't through, perhaps it was unexpected,

perhaps you found yourself single after your partner have however long suddenly changed their mind and decided they didn't want to be with you or you found out there was cheating or for whatever reason you found yourself single, you know for a fact that you don't want to repeat the relationships you've had in the past and you want to improve things. You want to go into your next relationship or even throughout the dating period. You want to enjoy it and you want it to be the healthiest it possibly can be. You want to date with confidence. You don't want to be stuck in the anxiety around dating. You don't want to be stuck in any unhealthy negative patterns. You want things to be different because you want to find that special person.

So we've got a lot to cover. We've got a lot, a lot to cover. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if

it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends and before we dive into the episode i do just want to let you know that i am launching something brand new called level up in love it is a three month close proximity container with me where we will focus on you dating with confidence, building better boundaries around dating, relationships, help you raise your relationship standards so that you never settle for somebody that you don't deserve ever again and essentially help you manifest the one. So whatever stage of dating you're at at the moment, whether you want to start dating but

you're feeling a little bit apprehensive about it if you have just started dating and the whole thing is just overwhelming as fuck if you've been dating for a while and you're exhausted you're sick of it you're fed up with all the dickheads online level up in love is going to be for you and we're going to transform things from you we can't control how anyone else acts we can't behave we can't control the behavior of anyone else we can't i wish i could but i can't say to you that you doing this work is going to mean that the people you match with online are gonna be completely different to anyone you've ever matched with before i obviously can't make that promise but what you can do is take responsibility for your part in

dating so taking responsibility for any unhealthiness or toxicity that you're perhaps bringing to the to the dating world and take responsibility for that and change things for yourself and when you can make subtle changes even if it's simply the way that you respond to things maybe it's not getting too carried away too quickly maybe it's not falling into that future faking or the opposite maybe it's not going into a date with someone with instantly in the back of your mind they're just going to be like all the others um whatever it is whatever stage you're at we are gonna focus on you enjoying dating essentially um for all the information i've probably not explained that very well the vibe of it actually the vibe of it is going to be like group chat with your besties kind of vibe

except instead of the like judgmental critical place that on that facebook groups have when it comes to groups of women that are dating instead of that kind of judgmental vibe it's not it's going to be very um it's going to be limited to eight people for a start so it's going to be quite an intimate group we're focusing on empowering you up you, helping you change any negative patterns, building your confidence and having a supportive place to come so that when you are matching with people online, you're like, oh, I don't know what to say. Or when you are going on dates with people and you're feeling like, oh, I just need a bit of a confidence boost or somebody has rejected you and you're really struggling with it. That's where you come. You'll

get personalized in-depth coaching from me on a um on a regular basis throughout that time but for all the information that you need to know there's no set curriculum so i can't tell you this is exactly what we're going to cover it's about whatever you bring to the table so whatever your issue is you're going to bring it to that space and then we're going to work on it together um for all the information you need you can go to rebeccalucyh.co slash love the link is going to be in the show notes in the description wherever um yeah the information is going to be there there is a special price available until the 17th of march and after that it goes up to the regular price i have had a few people because I've been talking about this on social media and I've been emailing my community about it, I've had people ask if

there is a one-to-one option available. The short answer is yes, there is for a very limited number of people so if you'd rather, if you like the sound of doing all this work together but you don't want to do it in a group space then send me a message or drop me an email again I'll leave the information in the um in the description in the show notes and we can talk about that um we can talk about that personally so anyways let's dive in to this juicy episode on how to level up in love. So to start, when it comes to changing your dating situation, your love life, if you like, we're going to look at the things that you need to change when it comes to thinking. So the mindset piece, a few key mindset shifts that are really important to make to help you level up level up in love and the first one is so important and it's something I talked about on the podcast a couple of weeks ago

but it's believing that what you want is possible and also knowing exactly what you're looking for last week I I went to stay with a guy that I've been seeing for the past few weeks and whilst we're staying there we went to Lidl together we went and did we went and did the weekly shop together and before we went I was like we need a list and he was like we don't need a list I'll just get what we need when we're in there and my opinion is very much like if we go to the supermarket and we don't have a list it's going to be really overwhelming I'm not going to know what to get I'm going to end up throwing in a load of stuff into the trolley

that doesn't make sense we're not going to have the dinners for the week that we've talked about cooking together we need a list. We need to know what we want. And he was the opposite. He was just like, but I don't know what I'm going to want to eat in that week. So there's no point in making a list. We'll just do things my way. We're going to just go to Lidl.

We don't need a list. We'll just get whatever it is that I need kind of thing. So we get to Lidl. We get to Lidl, I get to Lidl and I am like a kid in a toy shop because my ADHD is like, oh my god, I want all the things because there's this shiny thing and this shiny thing and I might want some of this and oh, I've never tried that before, I might try this thing and all this random dip that I would not eat with anything, but let me get that anyway.

I was just wanting all of the things because I didn't have a clear idea of what we were going into the shop for. And this is exactly the same with dating. I don't know if this was a good analogy, but this is exactly the same with dating. I don't know if this was a good analogy, but this is exactly the same with dating. If you don't know what you are looking for, then you'll end up on the apps swiping right on all manner of people. And in some cases, I do think that this is quite good. In some cases,

I think, especially if you're just getting into dating, maybe you've been single for a while, or you're just like, do you know done with relationships where you're made to not feel your best where you're not prioritized where you feel like you're compromising for them all the time and they never compromise for you if you are done with being in a relationship where the communication is bad where you don't trust them where you just if you're just done with having a shitty relationship essentially if you know that now is the time that you want something serious you want to settle down you want to find that perfect person so that you can build this magical life together you need to be clear about what you want you need to have clear intentions about the type of person that you're about the type of person you are looking to meet. Not only will it be less overwhelming, but it also helps you to clear out

the people that aren't going to be good for you much easier. When I first started dating and I wasn't 100% clear on what I wanted I would match with a lot of people and I gave a lot of people chances I would see someone's profile and be like they're not really my type like I don't really find them attractive they're shorter than I like and I'd be like you know what I'll give them a chance anyway but then when I would start having a conversation with them we wouldn't click because there'd be nothing on conversation. There'd be nothing in common. And when I went on dates with them, I was a bit disappointed because they weren't what I wanted.

Even though I hadn't decided what I wanted, they were still not quite what I wanted. But when I did the work around raising my relationship standards so in the confidence course I've got a lesson in module six which is called raise your relationship standards and I essentially take myself through that process and I did take myself through that process or part of that process in the course so you can see my answers within there but when I when I actually got clear on what I wanted I started matching with people where we did click we did have things in common I did find them attractive I started going on much better dates because I was filtering out the people that were never going to be my people anyway and instead of having that mindset of or I really need to give them a

chance maybe I need to try something different because what's worked for me in the past or what what I experienced in the past hasn't worked for me instead of keeping that mindset of I have to keep giving people a chance I was very intentional with about with the type of person that I wanted to meet and with the person that I was looking for so that meant that I was matching with a much better caliber of men yeah I still had a couple of shitty dates yes there was still some uncomfortable times yes there were still some awkward moments but overall I would say that my dating experience so far has been a pretty positive one because I haven't matched with anyone that's a complete arsehole as such there have been some people that have done some arseholey things,

but they've not been complete assholes. And that, as I said, we can't control the way that somebody treats us, but we can control our actions. And by having this clear picture of this is the type of person that I want to bring into my life, we are getting rid of anyone that doesn't fit that criteria in the first place we are doing our work in we are doing the work necessary in the first place to call in the right person and that means that we are filtering out

anyone that's not going to fit that so I think that's so so important so believing that what you want is possible and the best way to do that I would highly encourage you to go back and listen to the episode um your dream relationship exists here's how to believe in it I want to say it's episode 30 but I'll link it in the show notes for you so you can go back and listen to that but it's a really in-depth episode on how to actually build that belief in your dream relationship and that is crucial when it comes to leveling up in love the second thing you want to change when it comes to your mindset with dating if you want to level up in love is identifying the stories that you're

telling yourself now i watched a documentary on on Netflix a few years ago, like it was quite a long time ago now, it was a Brené Brown documentary and there was a part of this documentary where she was talking about being in a lake, she'd gone swimming in a lake with her husband and whilst she was in this lake she started to freak out I think she had anxiety she started to panic about something and the way her husband responded I really wish I'd watched this again before I told this story but the the cliff notes of the story the way her husband responded wasn't what she needed or what she wanted in that moment. And she interpreted it in a way that he, I don't know, he either he didn't

care about her or he was angry or she'd done something wrong or however, however it was, she just interpreted it in a negative way. And when it came to, maybe that's not even how it was she just interpreted it in a negative way and when it came to maybe that's not even how it was maybe that's not even what the story was I can't remember I'd highly highly recommend you go and watch that Netflix documentary um but what she did to communicate this to her husband and communicate the fact that he had hurt her feelings involuntarily was to open up a conversation by saying the story I'm telling myself is this so rather than saying you left me in that lake to panic all by myself how could you do that to me and you're so unsupportive and putting it all on him she used the phrase with him the story I'm telling myself is my anxiety isn't important to you the story I'm telling myself is my needs weren't

important to you in that moment or whatever it was however she explained it but this has been a game changer for me I've started to use this phrase so much in my life when I feel like I'm misinterpreting things or I'm interpreting things based on my ADHD or my anxiety or based on the way that other people have treated me in the past and I've started doing this with the guy that I'm dating at the moment and there have been a few occasions where he said things and it's he said something and I've received it in a certain way but based on who he's shown me he is I know that he wouldn't have said it with the intention to make me feel the way I felt like he would have said it with an intention that wasn't how I received it essentially. So when this has happened and I feel like I've misinterpreted something, I will say to him, the story I'm telling myself is you meant X, but I don't actually think that's what you meant.

And in those moments, because I'm not attacking him and because I'm not being aggressive or snappy or moody with him and instantly jumping on like jump into in defense mode jump into the what's the word that I want to use because I'm not instantly like jumping into that defense mode and trying to defend myself, we can have a really open conversation about it. And in those moments, he's been able to reassure me. Whereas before, if somebody said something that I received in a certain way, and it made me feel bad, I would either tell them that what they said made me feel bad and then my feelings would be dismissed and I'd be told that I was being ridiculous and stupid and stop overthinking

which then made me feel worse because I was being told that my feelings weren't valid or I would not be able to actually talk about the fact that that had happened and explain that the way that this was spoken about made me feel a certain way, in which case I would just internalise it and then resentment would build. crappy whereas now using this phrase I'm able to communicate my emotions from it from a more stable place as opposed to reactive and because of that I can get the reassurance I need without the other person feeling like they've been attacked or feeling like I'm just this emotional wreck that just makes a fuss about everything so you can use that phrase with someone if you've just started dating them. But I would also say be mindful that one, you don't jump to things too quickly, which is something that we're going to talk about in a moment, about like being reactive.

If you've been seeing them for a little while and you feel very safe in their presence, then I think it's a good idea to use this phrase. If you haven't been dating them long, what I would encourage you to do instead is go to your group of friends, or if you're in Level Up In Love, this is a prime example of how you can use that container, come to us in our group and say the story I'm telling myself is this so that you can get reassurance from an outsider because it's not it's really how can I explain this your feelings are valid your emotions are valid you are feeling the way you are feeling and that is okay but it's not necessarily a fact so let me give you an example if I messaged the guy that I was seeing and said to him can we see each other on Friday and he says I'm busy on Friday how's Saturday and previously I would take that as a rejection and oh he doesn't want to see me I'm not important enough he's got a better offer because that's

where my anxious brain anxious insecure brain went based on the way that i've been treated in the past so my brain is saying he's not interested he's got a better offer you're not enough you're not a priority when i go to either the person that i'm dating or the group of people who've got my back whether that's your best days whether that's in level up in love and I say to them the story I'm telling myself is I'm not a priority I'm not enough he's got a better offer we can then unpick that and say but that is a story that's not the fact he hasn't said to you you're not important to me you you're not a priority, I've got a better offer. He's been honest with, I'm busy on Friday, but he's also offered up a suggestion of, can we do Saturday instead? So whilst the story you're telling yourself might be that you're not enough,

it's not a fact. And if it's not a fact fact it's a belief that can be changed which is something like so much deeper than what we we've got time for in this episode but that's one of the things that we identify in the process my switch your story process which we look at really in depth inside of the confidence course that's kind of the first part of the process is identifying the difference between a fact and a belief and if it's a belief it can be changed and transformed so when you identify these stories and don't allow them to overtake your entire narrative you can start to look at things from a different perspective and that will help you to be less reactive but it will also help with any miscommunications that could crop up when you can see things as a story you can release some of that

attachment to them so it's almost like you are reassuring yourself and you are seeking validation from yourself by using that phrase instead of having to go to someone every single time and try and get that outside reassurance which is not something that you should be ashamed of needing but it is something that I think is very important we do for ourselves I think it's great to be able to seek reassurance from the people that we're dating I think it's lovely to have external validation from someone. But I also strongly believe that we have to be our own validators first. You have to learn how to validate yourself and how to reassure yourself because otherwise what happens is exactly what happened to me when I came out of my five-year relationship and I had spent five plus years because we'd been

seeing each other before we became official for like a year and a half so nearly seven years I'd spent seeking any reassurance from him and seeking any validation from him and when our relationship ended I had no reassurance and no validation and I found that so difficult because I didn't know how to reassure myself I didn't know how to validate myself so not only was I in this horrendous state of heartbreak but I then found I lost all my self-confidence my self-esteem dropped to the floor because I couldn't do those things myself I hope that that makes sense also whilst we're going through this if you have any questions about anything that I'm saying or if you'd like me to explain something in a bit more depth or if you'd like more clarity on something that I'm saying or

would like me to give you another example then my dms are always open like do come and message me I can't promise that I will reply immediately because it is something that I struggle to do but you can leave me a comment you if you're watching this on youtube you can leave me a comment if you're listening to this on um like via the podcast players then you can send an email hello at rebecca lucy h or you can dm at date with confidence podcast it's probably better to dm the podcast instagram because i'm more likely to respond quicker over there because my personal instagram is always full of dms and it's just a bit hard to get back to get back to everyone there okay my goodness this episode is going to be a long one okay the final thing that i wanted to talk about in the think

section was changing your relationship with rejection so this is this has been a game changer for me especially as someone who struggles with rejection I'm very sensitive to rejection I think it's probably related to the ADHD but I find that being rejected and even it's not even got to be a big rejection it could just be I don't know someone not swiping right on me when I've swiped right on them that's a tiny little thing I don't know these people they're not going to make any difference to my life whatsoever but in that moment it's that oh but why was I not good enough now I don't feel like that now because I've done enough work on myself to be able to reassure myself that that's not a big deal. But it used to be a massive deal. So changing your relationship with what rejection means, and not making it mean anything

about you is going to have a massively positive impact on your dating experience and rejection is such a massive part of our life no matter what we're doing in every single area of our lives we're going to be rejected just like we are going to reject someone else as well it is something we need to learn not to take quite so personally and And we don't need to go into that in masses of detail in this episode because I've got an entire episode dedicated to how to handle rejection when it comes to dating.

So I would highly encourage you to go and listen to that episode because it's a really, really powerful one, especially if you are someone like me who the tiniest little rejection can have a massive impact on so yeah change your relationship with rejection so the three things in the think layer were believe what you want is possible and know exactly what you're looking for identify the

stories you're telling yourself and then change those stories and change your relationship with with rejection. Now we are on to the act layer. So these are the actions that you take. So this is more about the things that you do rather than the things that you think. So the first one is being less reactive. And I know we kind of touched on this briefly before, but a lot of people, I see this with so many people, with friends, with clients, with people that I've seen in Facebook groups online, with my own self, with my own, like historically myself. So many people act from a place of anxiety or a place of overthinking and they react in that moment. So I see so many people in the height of their anxious spiral messaging people then. So when their anxiety is taking control, they message then and then

double message or over explain themselves in that, like during that anxious spiral and not only is that bad for you because I can guarantee nine times out of ten you will exit the anxious spiral and then you will instead of feeling anxious you will then start to feel shame and embarrassed and embarrassment from the way that you behaved when you were at your most anxious now it's not anything to be ashamed of we can't we can't help it we we can kind of help it um but also when you're at the height of the anxiety you can't because you can't you can't think straight and it's it's not something that you should beat yourself up for because shame doesn't actually solve anything shame isn't going to go back in the past and suddenly change the message that you sent it's not going to change a thing but it's it's a very

real emotion that then then has a negative impact on us so instead of being reactive and messaging or communicating or calling someone out in the midst of your anxious spiral you need to focus on self-soothing, calming yourself down, resetting your nervous system and then responding from a calmer more empowered place so let me give you an example let's say you have been dating someone and their communication isn't amazing you want someone who communicates really well you want someone that's going to message you all day every day their communication is a little bit up and down or perhaps their communication has been great they have messaged you every day consistently since you've been dating even though you've only had like one day or maybe two dates and then one day they don't message you for three hours or four hours or five hours and because

it's been so long your anxious brain based on your anxiety also based on the way that you've been treated in the past so past relationships past experiences you've had your anxious brain tells you that something's wrong they've lost interest they have changed their mind about you they are seeing someone else they've met someone that's better than you your brain starts telling you all these negative things and in that moment instead of reassuring yourself and self-soothing you message them again you message them again because they haven't messaged you back. And instead of messaging them something light-hearted, you message them an in-depth paragraph on the fact that they haven't messaged you and this is how you're feeling about it and blah blah blah, over explaining, overthinking. You message them a big long tirade. It's not

necessarily got to be aggressive. Some people do the aggressive thing but it's you're trying to force a connection with someone or you're trying to because of how you're feeling you're trying to communicate with them you need them to understand how you're feeling but they don't need to understand how you're feeling at this moment in time. You explain how it made you feel once you've come past it, because if you do it from that anxious space, it's gonna, it's not gonna come across in the best way it could be, it's not, it's not gonna come across in a way, in the same way it would if you communicated it healthily if you communicated it from a place where you've stepped back looked at the situation assessed what was going on with you why you were behaving that way and then you can objectively say to them this is the reason that I behaved that way and I'll give you an example so the guy that I'm seeing a few weeks ago I was getting the train to see him I was going to get

the train to Chelmsford and he was going to pick me up from there because he lives about half an hour away from there and as we were organizing the journey where I was going to meet him where he was going to pick me up he said to me that he could meet me at the station and he was a bit like oh I don't know where to park so I might have to go down the road and what was coming up for me was the last time someone picked me up from a train station was my ex and it was when we'd agreed to meet somewhere at the end of our relationship so we don't need to get too much into this but my ex ended our five-year relationship over a facebook messenger call and he'd been abroad for a couple of months and he was coming back and we were then gonna move abroad together again he ended the

relationship over this facebook messenger call and i was like we're not gonna end our five-year relationship over fucking facebook so let's meet somewhere in the middle we'll see each other again have like closure slash sex and then move on with our lives kind of thing we'll stay friends etc and when he picked me up from this train station when we met he had a go at me because he was I mean he was probably just stressed because he didn't have anywhere to park but the way that he spoke to me made me feel like a massive inconvenience I mean I always felt like an inconvenience but in that particular scenario he was short with me and he had a go at me and was like getting the car like was was not aggressive but he was just he didn't have much short with me and he had a go at me and was like, get in the car. Like it was, was not aggressive, but he was just, he didn't have much patience with me.

And I was already fucking fragile because this guy just ended our fucking relationship. Anyways, so when I was talking about meeting the guy I'm seeing at the station and he was talking about that, where he was going to park and he's not sure. And it was all done via message. And because it it was via message obviously you can't hear the tone of voice that someone's saying and I found it really stressful because having this conversation about being picked up from the train station brought back the past memories and I don't want to say trauma because it feels like too big of a word but the past hurt from the last experience of being picked up from the train station if I was in reactive mode I could have just messaged the new guy a massive tirade of

I'm so inconvenient or like why am I such an inconvenience or you're making me feel like this or you make it feel like I'm such a pain in the arse like whatever I could I could have just messaged him a massive message say over explaining and talking about something or whatever from that place of spiraling anxiety oh my god this guy thinks that I'm the worst thing in the world I'm such a problem he's going to decide that he doesn't want to see me anymore instead because of the work that I've been doing on myself for the last four plus years I mean the last 13 years but specifically around dating and relationships for the last four plus years I acknowledged why I was feeling a

certain way I acknowledged what was coming up in my body I acknowledged why I was feeling a certain way. I acknowledged what was coming up in my body. I acknowledged the anxiety and I took a moment to myself. I took a while to myself and I processed that and instead of taking it out on him in future messages or when we spoke, I didn't bring it up. I wasn't short with him. I wasn't shitty with him. I carried on talking to him normally whilst I processed what was going on with me on my own by myself. So that by the time I went and met him and he picked me up from the train station and we got in the car and it was really lovely to see him and he'd parked the car somewhere and he'd walked to the train station so he could actually meet me there and it was really lovely I was like wow you are going above and beyond I know it's a little gesture but I'm not used to lovely little gestures like that so he came and walked me like met me at the station we got in the car we were in the car

we were chatting anyway and then it was either later on in the car journey or it might have even been when we got back to his house I was sat there and I was like I found that situation really stressful this is why I found it stressful because this happened to me this is what happened last time I really struggled to deal with it and I talked it through with him from a place of my nervous system was calm I could articulate what I wanted to say I didn't blame him I didn shame him. I didn't tell him it was all his fault. I didn't make out that I was this psycho that couldn't handle the littlest things, that I was overdramatic.

I was able to have a really constructive conversation with him explaining how sometimes the littlest things can be really overwhelming for me and can be really triggering. This is why, and I wanted to explain it to you just in case you noticed any change in my behavior or just so that we could have a conversation about it and also so that I could get that reassurance because when I told him all this he was like oh no it's not a problem at all like why would it be a problem I'll come

and pick you up from wherever I was just stating it's going to be awkward to park that wasn't it's going to be awkward to park you're an awkward person you're a lot of effort whatever it was a statement of it was a this is what I've started saying to myself a lot as well and to him it was an observation not a criticism and I think that that is huge being able to say this was an observation this wasn't a criticism because I didn't overreact because I didn't react I wasn't reactive from that anxiety spiral it helped us to build a like build better communication help me to communicate things better from a healthier place and it meant that we could have a really nice conversation about things so that also in future if a similar situation if I'm triggered by a similar situation or if something else happens

I can then say to him this is reminding me of the time that x happened I need a little bit of extra reassurance or this is what i need right now i need some time to process or whatever it is so be less reactive if you want to level up in love be less reactive learn how to calm yourself down learn how to soothe your nervous system learn how to get yourself out of the anxiety anxiety spiral or learn to have some self-control over when you're going to message someone so when you're in the anxious spiral message a group of friends message us in the level up in love chat message someone who isn't the person that the anxiety spiral anxiety spiral spiral is about, and then afterwards, if you feel like you want to

communicate that to the person that you're seeing, do that, if you don't, you absolutely don't have to, I like to communicate these things to the person that I'm seeing, because I'm working, I'm, although I've done a lot of work over the last four years, I'm working through a lot of stuff at the moment, because I haven't been in this position where I'm dating someone like this and where I'm in this I want to say serious it's not like serious serious because it's only been a few weeks but where I've been in this scenario where it's like semi-serious these are important things this is someone that I'm enjoying spending a lot of time with and I'm not planning on not spending time with them for a while so for me it's really important to communicate these things because I feel personally that's going to help strengthen

our bond and based on the conversations we've had think it's gonna, I think he feels the same, hopefully. Okay, moving on, before I get all silly and girly, the third, the second thing you need to do when it comes to the actual layout is remove the mask, so don't be tempted to try and show up as an over-enthusiastic version of yourself. I was so good with this, like, I would go on dates, like, oh my god, I'm so excited, I'm the would go on dates like oh my god I'm so excited I'm the best person to hang out with and I'm so much fun and let's talk about you and I'll really listen to you and I'm passionate about this and I'm the best person and I don't have mood swings and I don't have ADHD and I don't have anxiety I'm just this wonderful person and I would I'd

like go on dates with this character characterized is that even the word that I want to use? I don't know. I would go on this, I would go on dates with this like exuberant version of myself. And yes, I am like that. I am like that in real life, but I am not like that every single day. I am not that version of myself all the time. I'm like, I'm like that version of myself sometimes, especially when I'm having like a good ADHD day I'm like hyper and excitable and happy and positive and amazing and I also have days where I'm low energy where I have mood swings where I'm anxious where my brain doesn't function I don't I'm at a point in my life now where I don't want a relationship built on something that isn't sustainable, built on something that is fake. I am willing to and I am enjoying showing up as my

authentic self and that means that there are times where I have to say I'm feeling really hormonal, I'm really irritable, this has pissed me off. I need space on my own. I'm not feeling well. I'm not this over-enthusiastic puppy all the time. I can be. And I also think it's important when it comes to being your authentic self, is saying what is on your mind. Now there is a good way on your mind now there is a good way to say things and there is a bad way to say things but historically whenever I've been with someone before for a start I always put them on a pedestal and I always thought that they were so much better than me and I didn't deserve them and oh my god why on earth would they want to be with me so I had them

on this massive pedestal and because I was scared to lose them and I was terrified of being abandoned I would agree with everything they said I didn't I I wouldn't have my own opinions I'd have opinions but if they were different to the person that I was with or the person that I was in love with a lot of the time I would keep quiet or I would just I would just have their beliefs as well because I didn't want to be rejected I didn't want them to leave me if ever I was upset about anything I wouldn't be honest about it because I didn't want to be abandoned whereas now I'm at the place where I will disagree with someone if somebody says something that I don't agree with and this has come up not a fair bit but like this has come up a bit with the guy that I'm seeing now,

we have different views on different things. Does that mean that we shouldn't be together? No, of course it doesn't. Because you can coexist and you can build a relationship with somebody that does have different values to you. And in some some cases I think it can be quite healthy to be in a relationship with someone who has different opinions and different points of view or different perspectives on things because then you're not in this echo chamber where your thoughts are never challenged or whether your points of view are never challenged or where you're never going to grow because you both believe the same thing and you stand by that. I think it's healthy to have different points of view, different perspectives. And I want to encourage you to stop trying to

be the person that you think they want to see and be your authentic self. because if you wear a mask or try and show the best side of you or try and portray yourself in a light that isn't true to who you are completely there will come a point where that mask will slip and they will notice and either you have to live in the mask all the time which is fucking exhausting or they'll see the mask slip and they'll be like but you weren't you weren't who I fell for you're not the person that I wanted and that will just cause a whole whole host of other problems so even if it means that someone doesn't agree with you or if you don't agree with them even if it could lead to uncomfortable conversations be yourself at all times I think that's really really important and that and I think you have to be mindful in certain

ways because you also have to be conscious of other people's feelings so if you are someone who's very blunt great you can be blunt but, be mindful that the person that you're seeing might not know how to respond to your bluntness. So you don't want to change who you self but also have space for the way that other people are as well if that makes sense I don't know if I've just completely contradicted myself but swiftly moving on the last thing in the act section is be vulnerable but not too vulnerable I made this mistake myself when I was dating the am I delusional guy you can go back and listen to that episode I was so fucking vulnerable from the off I was like pouring my heart out I mean he was the same like he he was equally as vulnerable but I was like pouring my heart out

talking about my ex talking about the shit that had gone on there, talking about different things that had happened, a lot of historical things that had gone wrong, a lot of past trauma that I was dealing with. I was vulnerable as fuck. And whilst I think it's important to be vulnerable and to open up about yourself, I do think that when it's early on, there is such thing as being too vulnerable. You don't want to fall into the pattern of oversharing. Share by any means, but you don't want to overshare. You also don't want to fall into the trap of trauma dumping, which I think is essentially what me and this other guy did. We just talked a lot about the traumas that we'd both faced. And because we're both quite into personal development, it's almost like we were feeding off each other's traumas and learning about it and learning about the work we'd done and oh you

overcame this and you overcame that and I've done this and like it was just it was pretty fucking intense and the problem with that is when we are vulnerable with people it can lead to a bit of a vulnerability hangover. So it's like you talk about all this stuff and you open up because you feel like, oh, maybe this is a great environment to open up about. Like he's told me personal things. I'll tell them personal things. And you're vulnerable. And then you share all this stuff. And then you're like, oh, fuck.

I've just talked about all this stuff that's really fucking personal to me that was really quite traumatic that is really a lot and then you might feel a bit embarrassed or you might feel a bit ashamed or you might have those oh my god I can't believe I've told them that thoughts which then can call cause a whole host of other feelings that are not ones that you're gonna want to have to be honest it's a it's tough vulnerability hangovers are a lot it's a bit like the same symptoms of the discomfort zone come down once you've left your comfort zone and then you realize what you've done is the same with vulnerability it's like you're vulnerable then you realize you've been vulnerable and then you have to process the

fact that you've been vulnerable and it is a lot and especially if the person listening to what you've been sharing hasn't responded in the way that you needed them to respond that can be really hard there have been times where I've shared things that have been really personal and really difficult to process maybe not in that moment but at the time they were I've shared things and it's not been received or responded to in the way that I needed it to be responded to which then led to more shame and embarrassment and feeling like I've overthought things and I'm overreacting or my I'm over dramatic I'm a drama queen um which is not the fucking case but that's how it's left me feeling so to recap the things in the act section are be less reactive, remove the mask and be vulnerable,

but not too vulnerable. Okay, on to the third, the third, third, on to the third and final section. This is the feel section. So this is about changing how you feel so that you can level up in love. The first thing is stop ignoring your intuition and in order to stop ignoring your intuition you need to know what your intuition feels and sounds like. If you don't know what your intuition feels like to you, you need to focus on building a deeper connection with yourself. I very much confused this, again, when I was dating the delusional guy. I confused the butterflies or the anxiety for the butterflies. I thought the fact that I couldn't sleep, the fact that I couldn't eat, the fact that I was constantly on edge I thought it was butterflies

I was like oh my god I've met the one and that's why I've got all these wonderful feelings that's why I can't sleep because I'm so excited that I've met the person I'm gonna be with it wasn't it's my fucking intuition screaming at me screaming I'm not gonna let you sleep I'm not gonna let you eat I'm not gonna let you be able to focus on anything i'm gonna scream at you because he is not the one but your brain is trying to tell you something dead just trying to tell you something different i ignored my intuition and then i got the message didn't i we had the i not going to date anyone else chat. And then two days later, it was the, I don't think I can see you because I'm going to hurt you and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That bollocks. So if I listened to my fucking intuition in the first place, I wouldn't have had to deal with being rejected, would I? So stop ignoring your intuition, build a deeper connection with yourself. For me, the way that I have built a better connection with myself is through things like meditating. Breathwork has been the biggest game changer in my life when it comes to dating and relationships. I tell everyone to do breathwork. I did it every single week for a year after my last breakup and it worked like no other modality I've ever tried breathwork is phenomenal

get involved in that meditation breathwork yoga having conversations with myself listening and and tuning into my body recognizing different feelings in my body creating awareness around how my body feels and listening to that little voice that little voice that goes off also looking a little bit more into my human design as well which is not something I'm educated on so I'm not going to try and educate you on it but learning more about human design the way that I receive messages from my intuition that's been really helpful understanding how I work that has helped me to build a deeper connection myself and also even when it comes to like astrology like looking more into my zodiac signs that's helped me to understand a bit more about how I work

and help me to build a bit more of a connection with myself which has been really really valuable so build a deeper connection with yourself so that you don't ignore your intuition anymore so then when you match with someone and your brain is screaming or your body's screaming before you've gone a date or when you've gone on a date with someone and you think your brain your brain is telling you that they might be the one but your body is actually screaming you can walk away before you get too invested because otherwise they will ultimately fuck off anyway and I know that just based on my own my own history based on friends history based on clients history like your anxiety is telling you something for a reason your intuition is trying to speak to you.

Exit before they force you to exit. Then the second thing, which I've kind of just touched on a little bit, is notice anxiety over the butterflies. So when you think that you have got butterflies, when you tell yourself that this is excitement and this is a positive thing and this is you about to fall in love recognize the difference between the anxiety and the butterflies they are essentially the same

thing but choose to choose to try and get curious about those feelings and when you notice that it's anxiety self-soothe calm your nervous system do the meditation do the deep breathing like breathing is so not even just breathwork sessions but sometimes I just need to take a few deep breaths and I'm like instantly just instantly back in my body and I can hear myself so much better oh my god I just had a massive freak out because it stopped recording and then I thought oh no I've lost it because my phone died and then apparently it's still here so if you're watching the video then apologies for the continuity error. Let's get back into the episode because I completely forgot where I was going with this. So self-soothing calming your nervous system resetting your nervous system when you

notice the anxiety over your butterflies breathing massively helped me I also learned this new trick on I think it's the holistic psychologist Dr Nicole someone on Instagram she put a reel out recently where you do this technique where you get your finger and you put it in your ear and you kind of pull down a little bit and oh my god like the instant change in my being, it's almost like I've had a massage for an hour, like as soon as you do it you just put it in and then you just pull it down a little bit like gently and oh my god it's amazing it's something to do with activating your parasympathetic parasympathetic something or other nervous nerve or something i don't know i don't know the terminology because that's not my area of expertise but I would highly encourage you to go and check out

that reel so that you can learn that technique as well I will actually try and link it in the in the show notes in the description so that you can go and see it for yourself because that's massively helped with my anxiety and then just doing things in general like keeping your stress levels low when When you build a deeper connection with your intuition, with yourself, when you spend more time on self-care, when you have time for yourself, you will naturally feel less anxious. So then when your anxiety kicks in massively, you'll know that it's your body being like, this ain't for you, this person's not yours nah run away run a

fucking mile so yeah so that's that's that noticing the anxiety over the butterflies and the last thing that I wanted to mention which was me essentially in every relationship that I've ever been in but it's also a pattern that I noticed when I started dating again despite myself promising myself I'd never do this again and it's something that I've seen other women do it's something that I've seen clients do friends and that is abandoning yourself when you start to see someone new now I know how exciting it is when you meet someone and you want to spend time with them. Having said that, things are very different with me at the moment with the guy that I'm seeing at the moment. But historically, when I would meet someone, either even the most recent, like the delusional guy, when I started seeing him, I was like, I just want to see him all the time.

I just want to see him all the time. I don't want to wait a week I want to see him we went on three dates in one week because we're both pretty similar in that respect I was like I just want to see him I really want to see him like I'm gonna it doesn't matter what I'm doing like oh I'm gonna go to a family lunch but I'm gonna leave early because I want to go and see him and in those moments not only was I abandoning myself and the plans that I'd made prior but I was also in that state of what's the word that I want to use not desperate but that like over enthusiastic energy that wasn't coming from a place of excitement now looking back I can see it was coming from a place of I need to make sure I spend as much time

with him because otherwise he might forget me or he might go on a date with someone and I need to prove to him that I am enough and that I am fun and I'm the one that he wants to be spending time with and I was like this like that kind of codependent need to see them energy like it's not healthy and it's how I was in previous relationships as well that very very codependent but also abandoning myself so I would always sacrifice my needs for my partner's needs and I do think compromise is good and I do think sometimes in some occasions on some occasions sacrifice is okay I think that's a nice thing to do when you are in a partnership with someone. Sometimes sacrifice is necessary but when your daily life revolves around you sacrificing yourself so that

somebody else can be the focus or somebody else's needs can be prioritised over your own, it's not good. It's not good at all. So whether you are in the early dating stages whether you're thinking about dating if you've been dating for a while don't self-abandon when you start seeing someone else you still need to feel important to yourself you still need to prioritize your own needs you still need time for self-care you still need time to socialize with friends to work to catch up with family, to spend time with your kids if you've got kids and to do the things that you love. Things are very different for me at the moment with the guy that I'm seeing now. I really enjoy my time with him, I enjoy seeing him

but I'm not in that energy of oh I desperately need to see him this week, I desperately need to see him in the next few days. We've spent a lot of time together like we laugh but I've like practically moved in it's been about six weeks six seven weeks and I've been to stay with him a few times for a few days at a time because he lives far away but I'm also that's because I want to not because I have that desperation that desperate urge that desperate need that that desperate need, that craving of, oh my god, I've got to see him. I am not seeing him any weekends in March because I have other things that I'm doing and I'm not cancelling those plans just because I want to see him or just because I'm dating him. I'm still living my life and I'm fitting him into my life, just like

he's still living his life and he's fitting me into my life just like he's still living his life and he's fitting me into his life and I think that's a much healthier way to be don't abandon yourself and your needs and likewise as an example of this even when I've been to stay with him so he'll go out to work early in the morning and then when he gets home from work obviously he's been at work all day and we had a conversation I think the first day that I was staying when he would be going to work the next day I said to him what are you like when you get home from work because I work for myself I'm at home on my own all day so when somebody gets in whether it's my mum or whether it's him or whether it's someone that I see like a friend when somebody else gets in from work I'm like oh my god I've done this how's your day been what have you been doing where have you been talk to me like talk to me because I've been on my own all

day talking to myself whereas for him I know I'm very aware of the fact that he has been out at work all day with people all day so he might want to come home and just chill for a little while and we had this conversation before I stayed the night. And he was like, yeah, I just like sometimes I need a bit of time to unwind. So when he goes out to work, his routine is come home, walk the dog, feed the dog, go and have a bath. And his routine hasn't changed because I'm there. And I think that's really healthy, because he's not abandoning his needs just because I'm there. And that time enables me to spend time with the dog, to carry on, like finish up the work that I'm doing. So that by the time we're ready to talk about our days, sit down and have dinner together, curl up on the sofa and watch something.

We're both coming from a place of our needs have been fulfilled. Our cups have been filled up we've we've given ourselves what we need and then we're coming together from the best place rather than him sacrificing his needs because I want to talk to him as soon as he gets in and I'm there so he needs to change his routine just because I'm there that's not the case and I think that's personally I think that's really healthy and I think it is so different to anything that I've ever experienced before because we've openly communicated these things together and I'm coming from a place of his needs aren't a

rejection of me him getting home from work and him wanting to go and soak in the bath for half an hour doesn't mean that he's rejecting me and he doesn't want to spend time with me him wanting to chill out for a little while before we come together to to discuss our day cook dinner whatever that doesn't mean that he that I'm not important it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to see me it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to talk to me it's not about me it's about him filling up his cup in the way that he needs to. Likewise, there are times where I need to do exactly the same. These are things that I need to do. We're a little bit reversed because I feel like in the mornings,

like he's a morning person, gets up early, takes the dog out. I need time to wake up in the morning. So I'll sleep a bit later. I'll have a tea in bed. I'll like go down and have a shower. I might cook myself some breakfast or like make myself some breakfast. I have a slower morning that enables me to wake up and make sure that my cup's filled up before I start the day. That doesn't really involve him. So it's just that

way of I'm learning not to self-abandon. And I think that's so crucial because what happens when you do abandon yourself yourself when you're dating someone or when you're in a relationship is if that relationship ends like mine did unexpectedly you find yourself not knowing who you are not knowing what you like not knowing what to do with yourself you find yourself so much more lost because your life has revolved around this other person and their needs and it's a bit it I kind of relate it a little bit to grief actually I mean the end of a relationship is grieving anyway but when I lost my dog everything changed because he was my priority he was the first thing that I'd see in the morning.

He would be with me when I was brushing my teeth. He would be making breakfast with me. He would be sitting under the laptop when I was working. He was every single part of my routine. So when he was no longer there, I didn't know what to do myself. And it's the same when you leave a relationship or when a relationship relationship ends if you have spent the entire time abandoning yourself what you need what your body needs it will be so much harder when you come out of that relationship whereas if you continue to prioritize your needs if you continue to practice the self-care if you continue to do the stuff that you love doing and you still have an aspect of your life that is just

about you and your friends and your family or whatever it is that you want to do then you can keep your cup filled up and that will reflect better in your relationship because you're not going to be in that space of resentment of feeling like they're more important than you are so yeah I think that's all I I think that's all I, I think that's all I want to say about that. So to sum up the feel section, we talked about stop ignoring your intuition and build a connection with yourself. Notice the anxiety over butterflies and don't abandon yourself when you start seeing someone new. You are still important. This is why I still take myself out on dates. I still date myself. I'm a great date but I need

that time for me to remind myself of how important I am to myself and I would encourage you to do the same. So this has been I think the longest episode we've had on this podcast so far. This has been a really in-depth look at how to level up in love these are just i mean there's so many ways that you can level up in love there's so many different things that you can do building your self-confidence above anything else is going to make your relationship better it's going to make your dating experience better it's going to make your life better working on your self-confidence is the most important thing that you can do period in my opinion but these are the things the things that we discussed in this episode are things that I have noticed have dramatically improved my own life when it comes

to dating and when it comes to then seeing someone on a more serious basis. I'm not saying the relationship word yet. So I think, I think these are things that are practical that you can now take away and implement in your life. I hope that they've been helpful for you. And I also think they're realistic things as well. They're things that you can start to do. You can start make small changes you can start to make small tweaks you can make tiny adjustments build that self-awareness and start to put some of these things in practice it's really important to know that you don't have to that you don't have to and shouldn't and can't change everything in one go this stuff i've been working on for the last four years, four plus years specifically. So it's taken me a while. It's been an ongoing journey of growth,

of evolving, of learning, of trying out different tools and techniques. And some of this stuff, I couldn't practice or put into practice or learn until it got to the point where I was seeing someone a bit more seriously. So be mindful of that as well. There will be things that come up when you start dating someone, when you start dating someone exclusively, when you have been seeing someone for a while, when you enter that relationship territory. There will be new things that come up because until you've been in that scenario again since your last breakup you can't experience that there's only so much work you can do on yourself whilst you're single some of the work has to be done when you are seeing someone as i said i'm launching a new program called level up in love it is a three-month container focused on helping

you date with confidence, build better boundaries, raise your relationship standards, and ultimately manifest the love that you've always deserved. It's going to be a really empowering place. I would love to hear from you if you're considering joining. If you've got any questions, then do ask me. If not, all the information is going to be in the show notes and the description. As I said, there's a special price available until the 17th of March. So you can go and check that out if you'd like to receive a discount. And as soon as you sign up, so the Level Up In Love kicks off on the 8th of March. No, it doesn't. That's a lie. On the 8th of April that's when it first when the container first opens after that I'm considering running it full time so it will just be you can join as and when

I think but as soon as you sign up you will get access instant access to the confidence course which is my six module self-paced course self-paced course designed to help you create unwavering levels of self-confidence in all areas of your life and there's very specifically a module in there called raise your relationship standards that is about relationships so the confidence course is going to be really powerful it's packed full of practical strategies tangible techniques to help you build greater levels of self-confidence. And you get that completely for free

when you sign up for Level Up In Love and you'll get instant access. So although we don't start Level Up In Love until the 8th of April, you'll get access to the course. So you can start working through the course from then. So yeah, that's that. If you've got any questions, hit up if not I'm gonna go now

because I've been waffling for ages and now I've got to go and edit all this so thanks so much for listening I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends you