The Date with Confidence Podcast - How To Overcome Anxious Attachment When Dating Someone New

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

EPISODE 59: How To Overcome Anxious Attachment When Dating Someone NewIs your anxious attachment style affecting your dating experience?Are your relationships often overshadowed by feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment?Do you find yourself overthinking every text or interaction, constantly worried that your partner may pull away?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I explore how to manage anxious attachment and build lasting confidence in relationships. I share my own experiences with anxiety, offering tools and strategies for recognising triggers, communicating needs and reframing your mindset.From handling insecurities to asking for reassurance, this episode offers actionable steps for anyone struggling with relationship anxiety. Through mindset shifts, practical exercises and emotional regulation, I guide you toward self-confidence and deeper connections, both with your partner and yourself.Here's a peek at what we discussed:1. Understanding Anxious Attachment: Recognising the difference between intuitive red flags and past trauma resurfacing2. Healing Through Self-Work: How personal growth can reduce anxiety in new relationships3. Practical Steps to Manage Anxiety: A three-step process to shift away from obsessive thoughts and ground yourself4. The Role of Self-Worth: How building confidence and addressing feelings of "not enough" can improve relationship dynamics5. Lessons from Past Relationships: Sharing personal stories to offer relatable, real-world insights into overcoming anxious attachment6. Understanding Personal Triggers: Identifying what situations or behaviours heighten anxiety in relationships7. Healthy Communication: How to express feelings and needs in a grounded, clear manner with tips on expressing needs for reassurance without overwhelming your partner.8. Building Confidence: Tools and techniques to increase self-assurance and reduce anxious attachment9. Managing Anxiety Early in Relationships: Balancing communication and independence when dating someone new10. Self-Regulation in Relationships: Strategies to manage emotions and avoid impulsive behaviours driven by anxiety11. Creating Healthy Relationship Dynamics: Learning how to balance independence and togethernessThis episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast has been a long time coming but I certainly hope it was worth the wait.Mentioned:How to Quit Obsessing Over Why He Hasn’t MessagedAm I Actually Delusional? The Rollercoaster of Modern DatingGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here.ResourcesThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Follow your host Rebecca Hawkes on Instagram. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is probably one of the most requested episodes that I've been asked to do on the Date With Confidence podcast. Whenever I've put up a poll or I've just had people message me and say, can you do an episode on how to deal with anxious attachment, especially when you are dating someone new? And this is something that I can relate to so much I feel like I was anxiously attached in every relationship I've been in apart from the one that I had at the start of the year I mean I wasn't in a relationship at the start of the year but the guy that I was seeing at the start of the year was probably the first time in my life that I didn't have that anxious attachment and I think that comes from the work that I've done on myself since my last big breakup and

I'm going to share everything in here I'm going to share everything in this episode with you that I have done over the past five years to really reduce my anxious attachment to work on letting go of those feelings of anxiety when dating someone new and especially in the last year this is something that I've worked on because when I started dating the guy last August as in August 23 23 yeah August 23 the first guy that I kind of really felt attracted to since my ex the anxiety feelings came up and I realized there was a little bit more work to do and then once I recognized what needed work and I put in the work then when I started dating the guy at the start of the year I didn't have any anxious attachment feelings um at all so I'm going to share what's helped me and in doing so hopefully that is going to help you to overcome the anxious attachment when dating someone new.

Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit,

there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. First of all, I want you to ask yourself, what are the feelings of anxiety telling you? Is it your nervous system screaming at you because they're not actually the one? Or is it your past coming into play and a fear of rejection, abandonment or losing them? When I was in my long term relationships, I went through a really bad breakup when I was 21. I fell head over heels in love with this guy within, I don't know, like a couple of weeks of knowing him probably looking back on it now you'd probably describe it as love bombing but this was like 12

years ago and I'd never heard of that phrase before we were both young it was a really intense fast-paced happened very quickly relationship and I I mean I fell head over heels in love with him, he told me he loved me after a few weeks, like it was so intense and then literally overnight he met his ex on a night out, I feel like I need to give you the whole story, so we'd met on a night out, I was like instantly like, oh my god, I fancy him so much he got my number we were texting all day every day for a few days this was in the lead up to Christmas and then my best mate said to me he was like you do know he's got a girlfriend and I was like the fuck are you talking about like what felt like my world had been crushed I called him out on it and I was just like look I am not the girl that you're

gonna cheat on your girlfriend with like that's not me I'm not the other woman nothing is going to happen with us so we saw each other on a couple we saw each other again like a couple more times on nights out and the chemistry was like undeniable there was clearly a mutual attraction and I was just like I'm gonna end up so hurt because I can't like I'm not gonna be the reason that he ends his relationship all the all this kind of stuff that you tell yourself like I was like I this is so hard I cannot keep seeing you on nights out because I like you so much and I know that I can't have you I refused to be the girl that he cheated with so then he ended his relationship so he he broke up with his ex his girlfriend of like two years broke up with her on like new year's eve

which is a like it's a shitty thing to do but then I suppose in my mind I justified it as they obviously weren't that happy I don't know anyways he, he ended his relationship. Two days later, we went on our first date and things got serious really quickly. He said to me about us being official and I was like, look, you've just come out of a two year relationship. Why don't you go and be single, go and do what you want to do. If I'm still around when you've had your fun, then we can talk about being in a relationship. And he was like, no, you're the one that I want. I want to be with you, all that kind of stuff. So we ended up in a relationship and he was like no you're the one that I want I want to be with you all that kind of stuff so we ended up in a in a relationship really really quickly and then nearly I think it was nearly it was like three three and a half months at which point we were seeing each other all the time we were looking at buying houses together we were

discussing mortgages we had been on holiday together like we'd booked a second holiday for a few months time like it was so fast-paced so intense like I cannot tell you and I was like I'd never known love like it I was like completely obsessed with him completely infatuated he told me he loved me first like it was wild and then he went on a night out, I went out with my girlfriends in Brentwood, he went on a night out in Romford with his friends and I was like right I'm gonna like I'm gonna come and meet you, I'm finished with the girls, I'll come meet you in Romford then we'll go home together. I text him when I get there, pull up in the cab and he goes don't get out of the car and instantly my intuition is like don't tell me not to do something like what you've told me not to get out of the car.

That obviously means I need to get out of the fucking car. So I get out of the car, walk into town, see him hugging his ex. And I'm just like, complete meltdown. World's over. What's going on? Walk up to him. I'm just like, what the fuck are you doing which looking back obviously they'd had a two-year relationship that he'd ended so he could date me like I was the villain

if you like in this story and basically I was like complete like so upset with him he was just like seeing her has made me realize how much I love you and how much I want to be with you I bought the bullshit until the following day when he was just like I couldn't it was the weirdest thing and I promise you like there's a point to me telling this story this is how my anxious attachment started so I'm not just waffling on for the sake of waffling on but there was a point where he was going to like a sports competition so I knew I wasn't going to see him um late that day I'd stayed with had I stayed with him the night before I think I'd stayed with him the night before and then he'd gone to this sports competition and then I messaged him and was I we'd planned to spend the whole weekend together because his parents were away and I couldn't get hold of him my phone turned itself off my phone just like broke wouldn't

stop what wouldn't turn on and I was going out of my mind and my intuition was like you need to get to the house literally lost the fucking plot turned up at his house and she was there she drove away as I got there and he looked at me and he was just like it's over like I can't be with you and my world just came crumbling down and it was really in the space of like a 24-hour period where my entire life just changed from what I thought it was going to be so I'd had this really intense relationship with this man. I genuinely thought I was going to marry. Like we were talking about weddings. We were talking about mortgages, about buying a house together because he wanted to move out. I wanted to move out. Like it was so fucking fast. It was this emotional rollercoaster. And then overnight, this life

that we had been planning together just disappeared and he got back with his ex and then obviously we stopped talking and I found that really hard because we were talking all day every day I saw him as like my best friend which I know three months it's not a long time but it was that level of intensity and because that happened so quickly when I then went into future relationships I constantly had in the back of my mind oh my god it's gonna end overnight like the past is gonna repeat itself I'm gonna be abandoned they're gonna leave me it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks I'm not gonna know it's happened and I was telling myself these stories for years. So every relationship I was in since, I mean, I had a couple of smaller relationships where I was the

one that decided that I didn't want to be with them anymore. I was like, no, you're actually not for me. So I was fine in those those relationships I didn't have that anxious attachment like I did then when I had my next long-term relationship with my um like with the bad breakup that I went through a few years ago we were well we were like friends with benefits best mates living in the same house fucking occasionally um for like a year and a half then we ended up in a relationship for five years we were official for five years so that was like seven and a half years of me being like i mean three months after we initially started sleeping together i knew that i was in love with him and i remember messaging my mate and just being like what the fuck am i gonna do

like i love him how am i gonna deal with this but throughout that five-year relationship I was constantly terrified that he was gonna leave me and I was in this like anxious codependent fearful energy for a good like 60 70 percent of the time I'd say there were times and there were periods where I did feel really secure there were moments where our relationship was incredible where I felt safe but then in the back of my mind I was always like but I've been this happy before and then my world came crashing down so a lot of my anxious attachment came from the past. However, when I started dating the Am I Delusional guy last August, that I believe the anxiety that I felt I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate, my body was a nervous fucking wreck. And I believe that was my nervous system and my intuition

telling me this is not the guy for you. This is going to end in tears. He is not the one. So I think it's important when it comes to observing your own anxious attachment, seeing if you can distinguish between whether this is your past and you're fearful of the past repeating itself or whether this is your nervous system telling you, warning you that this is not your person. And if it's your nervous system warning you that this is not your person, then however difficult it is, you need to make the decision to walk away before it's too late. This is where you need to say, I am going to choose to respect myself more than listening to my emotions and wanting to believe that this is this guy is the right one for me so it's really about deciding to almost remove yourself from the future faking

seeing a future with this person ignoring the fact that your feelings are but oh my god I like him so much and I'm having so much fun. Deciding to take yourself away from that and deciding to say, I love and respect myself more than the feelings that I have for this person that's just walked into my life. easier for you to heal from this temporary situationship, this temporary dating experience before you get too deep and you're six months, a year, three years down the line and they've proven to you that they're not the right person for you. Whereas if it's related to your past then that's where you have to choose not to buy into those past thoughts and to remind yourself that this person isn't your ex, this person isn't any of your exes, this is a fresh slate, this is your chance for something brand new, this is your chance to have, potentially have, the relationship

that you've always wanted. When you're having these obsessive thoughts about your past, there's a short little three-step process that I want to share with you that can really help you to shift yourself away from the obsessive thoughts, shift yourself away from that anxiety and those anxious feelings. And the first thing would be to recognise the story that you're telling yourself and remind yourself that it is just a story. So if you're telling yourself he's on a night out, he's going to hook up with someone else, he's going to like her more than me and abandon me. Or if you're telling yourself he hasn't texted me back that means he's not interested he doesn't want to be with me or if you're telling yourself that him reading your message leaving you unread

and not replying for a couple of hours during a work day means that he doesn't want to be with you anymore any of these thoughts that are going round and round in your head, see them as stories. Say these are stories that I am telling myself and then when you observe them as stories you can choose to switch your thinking to a new thought. So you can say to yourself I recognise this is a story, this is not what I want to say to myself right now and then you can choose a new story that you want to repeat to yourself that could be something along the lines of I can handle anything life throws at me to get you back into that empowered confident state of I've got this I know how to take care of myself I can get through anything so that in worst case scenario,

if the history did repeat itself, you know that you can handle it. Or alternatively, you could change it to something along the lines of, I'm choosing to believe we're starting a fresh slate and this person isn't the same as my ex. I'm choosing to believe history won't repeat itself. I'm choosing to look forward to my future and to believe that too good to be true means it's meant for me. Anything like that where you shift yourself out of the anxious, obsessive, damaging thoughts. And then the third part of this three-step process is to do something to ground you again so that you're more at peace in your body. Anxiety comes from when we're upping our heads, when we're overthinking things, when we're over analyzing, when we're replaying situations over and over again in our mind. It's when we're so focused

on the future and possible terrible outcomes for the future, outcomes that might hurt us or make us feel upset or anything like that. It's when we're obsessively thinking about the same things, when we're so caught up in our head, we're not in our bodies. So what you want to do is to ground yourself back into your body. And you can do this with energetic practices like EFT tapping, breath work, meditation, even taking a few deep breaths can get you out of your head and get you feeling more peaceful in your body. When you're at peace in your body those anxious feelings like heart palpitations that need to send the paragraphs of messages or that need to impulsively text them so that you get a response or whatever these feelings of anxiety are convincing you to do those feelings dissipate they disappear

you end up feeling more peaceful and more calm in your body which helps you to think from a lot more logical mindset which helps you to act from a more logical space rather than with impulsivity or anxiety as it were so then i also want to remind you to be kind to yourself if you are feeling anxious anxious attachment is so common for so many of us especially when we've been hurt before especially when we are worried about being alone forever or when we are so eager to be in a relationship it's so normal to have this anxious attachment and when you start dating someone new especially if they are not like anyone you've dated before so if they're a genuinely nice person if they're doing all the right things if they're making you feel good if they are thoughtful if they're responding to your messages

it's so natural to then go oh my god this is what i've always wanted, it's too good to be true, I'm gonna lose it or to have that fear of losing it and that can cause the anxiety. It's a natural human response and I want to remind you to be kind to yourself when you are feeling anxious. There is literally no point in beating yourself up or berating yourself for having these perfectly natural feelings what you can do instead is remind yourself it's okay to feel this way your feelings are valid and then to choose to do things that remove that anxiety so the process that i just shared the change in your story, the grounding back into your body and self-care is vital in these moments. So do things that make you feel good, that take your mind off the anxiety and that don't allow you to react from that place of being anxious. One of the key things to work on when you are someone with an anxious attachment is working on your not

enoughness so anxiety can come from the fear that you're not good enough therefore they will leave you and I experienced this a lot especially in my last big relationship I put my ex on a pedestal I thought he was so much hotter than me I repeatedly asked myself how on earth have I managed this why on earth would he want to be with me he's so much hotter people love him it was a lot about looks really I just felt like I can't believe that I have managed to hook him if you like like I can't believe he's with me I spent a lot of our relationship not understanding why he was with me and a lot of that was to do with my not enoughness and it was from the anxiety that he was going to leave me because I felt about him the way that I'd felt about the first guy that really broke my heart that that short relationship where it ended overnight

I'd also felt like he was too good for me I felt like he had a better job than me he was hotter than me he just on all levels I had that like I can't believe he's with me and I felt like that about my last big relationship I felt like I wasn't enough so if you relate to that and if you feel the same way I really want to encourage you to work on your not enoughness and ask yourself why do you feel like you're not enough whose voice is telling you that you're not enough? And is it ultimately the truth? And I can tell you now for a fact, you are enough. You are enough as you are. And for the right person, they will see that. And just because somebody chooses not to be with you doesn't mean that you are not good enough it just means that they are not your person so really work on believing that you are enough

as you are that you will be an amazing person that your person can't wait to spend the rest of their life with you and at the same time when it comes to working on your not enoughness work on increasing your confidence and your inner strength because when you're anxious about them abandoning you it could be because you don't trust that you could cope without them and I very much experienced this again in my last relationship it was a very codependent relationship I felt like I cannot cope with life if I'm not with them I felt like I'd never be able to handle being on my own I felt like I would never be able to deal with a breakup I relied on him to be the source of my happiness and I very much felt like if our relationship was good I was good if our relationship

was going through a rocky patch I was an absolute fucking mess and I lived in that constant state that I would be abandoned and that I couldn't cope with being abandoned you need to get yourself to a place where you know that no matter what life throws at you you can handle it and now I'm at that space so knowing that whether it's a breakup whether it's something going on with my business, whether it's losing someone in my life, however much it will absolutely fucking suck and it will hurt and it will be hard and it will be painful, I know that I have the strength to get myself through anything I need to in life. I trust myself and I am confident in myself that my inner strength will support me through anything and everything I have to go through

throughout my life and that is the place that you need to get to as well. I got myself to this place from working on my confidence repeatedly. Since my like early 20s I've been on this confidence journey but especially since the last breakup where my self-confidence was destroyed, I hit rock bottom and I felt like I had to rebuild myself again. Since then I know that if I can handle that I experienced grief for the first time when I lost my dog last year I got myself through that I know that if I can handle those hardest most painful moments I can handle anything else that life throws at me I am resilient and I am strong in who I am and in my ability to handle the hardest times. And as I said, that comes from working on my confidence consistently.

If building more self-confidence is something that you need help with, if building this solid foundation of self-confidence that you need help with is something that you need help with, the confidence course is for you. And we also have Confident AF confident af the membership which just a little fyi if you purchase the confidence course then you will be offered a very special little discount for the membership but that's only if you purchase the course and i wanted to remind you that that is a resource that is available for you and that will also help you with your anxious attachment as well especially the membership

because the membership is where you get weekly personalized coaching so if you're struggling with your anxious attachment you can come there and receive coaching from me so back to what we were saying about overcoming anxious attachment another thing that's really important for you to do is to understand your personal triggers. So is it alcohol that leaves you feeling anxious? Is it when they don't reply within a certain time? Which I've actually got an episode called how to quit obsessing over why he hasn't messaged. There's some information in there, some advice in there that will really help you if you are someone that struggles when they haven't replied in a certain time um is another trigger something like them going out without you understanding

what triggers you is the first step to being able to change things when you create that self awareness and you know if i have a couple of glasses of wine it's going to leave me feeling really anxious or if they're going on a night out with their friends I'm going to be in an anxious space you can do things ahead of those times to prevent that anxiety happening in the first place you can choose not to have the two glasses of wine you can choose to communicate with your partner with the person that you're dating and say to them when you go out with your friends it leaves me feeling anxious because of the way that my partner's treated me in the past and then you can discuss things that you can do between you to prevent that anxiety maybe you could ask him to send him send you a text in

the middle of the night or you could say to him when you go to the toilet would you mind just dropping me a text just so that i know you're safe or just so that i know you're thinking of me whatever it is if their response is to completely dismiss your anxiety and to say no I can't do that I'm going out with my friends you're crazy for wanting me to message you they're not your person anyone who loves and cares for you I mean maybe they don't love you if you're just dating them if it's quite new anyone that truly cares for you will understand providing you communicate clearly where your anxiety is coming from and you don't put your anxiety you don't blame your anxiety on them as long as you communicate things clearly to them they should be more than happy to reassure you if you know in advance that

you are likely to feel anxious if it's a very new relationship or if you've only been dating them you've only been on a couple of dates with them and them going out is a trigger with you is a trigger for you then i wouldn't encourage you to message them and tell them like demand like a message on a night out or anything like that but perhaps speak to a friend perhaps speak to someone instead and say okay they're going on a night out maybe plan an evening with your own friends plan something to distract you so that you're not sat at home thinking oh my god what are they doing because that's uh that's gonna put you in an unhealthy state when you have control of your actions so you obviously can't control their actions but you have control around

what you do for yourself to take yourself out of anxiety or to prevent the anxious feelings coming up in the first place. And it's really important that you understand that them living their life doesn't mean they don't want you in it. This was something that I struggled with so much in my last big relationship because I felt like when he was always going out with his friends when he was doing things without me I felt like that meant he didn't want to be with me because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and then I realized that was my own anxiety around being abandoned and that was my own like desire to spend as much time with him as possible moving forward now I completely understand that they're like that them living

their life doesn't mean that they don't want to be with me and I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't let me live my life I very much want to be with someone who has their own life outside of me who socializes with their friends who sees their family who does whatever they want to do with their life because I expect when I'm in a relationship to still be able to live my life to be able to see my friends I would want space to do stuff on my own I wouldn't want to be with someone who wants to do stuff with me all the time and doesn't want to do anything outside of our relationship so reframing that in your mind as well and understanding that just because they want to see their friends without you or because they want to go and see their family without you or they just want a day to themselves doesn't mean they don't want to be

with you it's a really hard mindset shift to create for yourself it's taken me a very long time to accept that and to reframe that in my own mind but it is so crucial to help you with your anxiety and then if you are feeling anxious you can come back to that new mindset shift and remind yourself it's okay for them to live their life without me at the same time it's okay for them to have their have parts of their life that i don't exist in. It's not about you not existing because obviously they'd talk to their friends about you and stuff like that but they need their own space, their own life outside of you. I also believe it's important to talk to the person that you're seeing about your anxiety and about how you're feeling but not too early this is a mistake that I made when I was dating the delusional guy because we dated for three weeks we went on four dates five dates within

those three weeks it was a very rapid um experience and I mean after the first date I wasn't even really sure whether I liked him and started the second date and I was like oh I don't think I like him and then by the end of the second date I was like oh my god I'm obsessed with you and I explained to him there was a couple of times where I felt really anxious now I know it was obviously my nervous system being like he is not the guy for you but at the time I put it down to like my anxious attachment from previous relationships and was like I have this fear of being abandoned I'm really worried that things are going really well and you're gonna leave me and I like blurted out all of the things I was worried and anxious about and we'd been dating for like three weeks and I think that that is too

early to express these feelings I think if you if you tell them really early on that them not replying to you is giving you anxiety it could really make them pull back which will then increase your anxiety and when you're feeling anxious you cannot make logical decisions especially if like I've said before I have ADHD it makes me impulsive it makes me reactive and I've learned to control that impulsive impulsivity and the reactivity but when you are in that anxious space you can behave in that same impulsive way because you're so desperate to hear from them or to for them to tell you that they like you or for them to reassure you and this is when you're more likely

to bombard the other person with messages or you might jump in with telling them how much you like them really really quickly because you want them to say it back to you subconsciously. Even if you don't logically think this, subconsciously your mind is like, if I tell them how much I like them, they're going to say it back to me and then my anxiety can relax because I know that they feel the same way. But when you jump in really quickly, the other person can find it so overwhelming, especially if you're only just getting to know each other so if you're just getting to know each other you've been on three four five six dates and you message them say I really really like you if it's not especially when it's over message I

think it can be a bit more intense whereas if it naturally comes up in conversation when you're with each other it's different but I guess what I'm trying to say in a like really roundabout way is that when you are in this anxious space you can't make logical decisions it's when you're more likely to blurt all this stuff out and potentially scare the other person off so when you've been dating a while it's okay to acknowledge your anxiety with the person that you're seeing so I was dating the guy at the start of the year for a few months and there were occasions where I felt anxious and I expressed my feelings of anxiety but I'd already processed it in my mind before I told him so I had acknowledged this is how I'm feeling this is why I'm feeling this way and I just expressed it so that I could almost explain

my behavior if my behavior had been off and it was always just small moments it wasn't about me being like worried that he was going to abandon me it was like small moments where for instance he'd got really stressed and shitty in a supermarket because he was overwhelmed by all the people there years ago in previous relationships I would have taken his shortness as I'd done something wrong I'd messed up he hated me he didn't want to be with me and I didn't I like acknowledged that he was in a shitty situation I reminded myself that I had done nothing apart from exist in the supermarket alongside him therefore I hadn't done anything wrong therefore I didn't need to tread on eggshells like I had previously and then as we were driving in the car I relayed my thought process and what was

going on to confirm why I would gone quiet why I was kind of quiet then because I think he'd asked why I was quiet so I confirmed what had happened and explained my thought process and how everything had unfolded in my mind and in doing that he then reassured me that no I hadn't done anything wrong but that's because we've been dating for a couple of months that wasn't like three dates in and I was explaining that I was anxious because he hadn't texted me back quick enough um so yeah talk to the person that you're seeing but just don't do it too early because it can be really overwhelming for the other person to handle especially if they also have no experience of anxiety because they're not going to fully

understand where you're coming from when you're in an anxious spiral i really want to encourage you to message your friends instead so instead of messaging the person that you're seeing message your friends explain to them how you're feeling tell them what's going on in your mind or if you don't have friends that you want to open up to like that you can join the confident af membership and you can drop a message in there and just say this is how i'm feeling i'm feeling really anxious i'm feeling overwhelmed how do I deal with this don't put your anxiety onto the person that you're dating especially in the early days because it's not their responsibility to stop you from feeling anxious it's yours and the more you make it their responsibility by doing things like saying

you haven't texted me back it's made me anxious and then relying on them to stop you from feeling anxious by texting you back you need to learn to regulate yourself and regulate your anxiety yourself you can't always be relying on the other person to stop you from feeling anxious and yes when you're in a relationship it is great like my ex was really good when i was anxious, when I could vocalize my anxiety in the way that I was feeling. Not so much about anxious attachment within our relationship, but if we were traveling or if something had happened, if we were in a really busy place and I was feeling anxious, I could vocalize that to him. And for the most part,

he was pretty understanding and would help calm me down he would help relieve or like help me through panic attacks that kind of thing he would relieve the anxiety in that sense but then there were also times where he'd just be like you're ridiculous like sort your shit out um but yeah talking things through with someone when you've been in a relationship for a while and sharing your anxiety they can help you to feel less anxious but in the early days it's really your responsibility to coach yourself through that anxiety and to shift out of that anxious attachment phase which I mean I've been sharing stuff throughout this episode that can really support you with that. And as you date for longer, you can start to share how you're feeling from a grounded place, not from the anxious spiral. And I think that is key when you're in the anxious spiral where

you're not thinking straight. As I said before, it can be very reactive. It can be very impulsive. You might lose your temper it might be where you shift the blame onto them and you tell them that they're making you anxious or whatever it is whereas when you can move yourself through the anxious spiral and then get yourself to a grounded place and then explain what's going on how I just explained in the story where I just said about the whole supermarket thing. With the guy that I was seeing. I waited until I was in a grounded space.

To explain the anxiety that I'd felt. And the anxious spiral that I'd been through. It was only temporary. It lasted maybe about three minutes. Because I can shift myself so quickly now. Because I've been doing this shit for years. I can so easily so quickly now because I've been doing this shit for years like I'm so I can so easily shift my mindset shift my feelings shift out of anxiety and that is because of I've been

working on it for so long I've got an abundance of tools that I can reach for all of which you'll find in the confidence course but I use all those tools still now on a almost daily basis if I need to to shift myself into a much better state really really fast and when you start sharing from the grounded place explain that certain things cause you to feel anxious and express that you may need extra reassurance from them sometimes the right person will be so willing to offer this up without it being an issue so when you can explain that from a place of neutrality from a grounded place and you say look there's moments where my anxiety takes over my anxious attachment takes over because of my past because of my fear of abandonment because I'm scared that I'm going

to lose you whatever it is in those moments I may need to ask you for extra reassurance here are the things that you can do to reassure me if you can outline the things that make you feel better then the person you're seeing has a list of ways to support you which will make things so much better for the both of you because then he's not hunting in the dark thinking oh my god how do I fix things and like potentially making it worse and you're not in that space of I've asked him to fix things but he's not done what I need him to do if you tell them in advance what you need from someone when you are in that space when you need that extra reassurance they're going to much easily be much more easily be able to support you which

will strengthen your bond I imagine and as I said the right person is going to be so willing to offer up this help just as I would expect you to be willing to offer the same to them and the wrong person will tell you that you are being ridiculous and that they do not want to provide that for you and if that's the response that you're getting then they're not for you and you deserve so much fucking better at the same time as asking them for the extra reassurance continue to work on building your confidence so work across the three layers of confidence that you need to master in order to become 90 confident 90 of time these three layers are think confident act confident and feel confident so that looks like challenging your inner narrative, looking at practical actions

you can do. You'll find them in the confidence kit as well. So obviously the confidence course is packed full of exercises, mindset, practical and energetic. But if you're looking for just a taster of exercises that you can do quickly, then you can download the confidence kit for free in the description of this episode um so yeah the practical actions to help you feel confident daily and also focus on energetic practices that leave you feeling calm grounded and trusting in yourself this is so crucial and you don't need to spend hours a day working on your mindset building your confidence doing practices that take you like 30 minutes or whatever you can use practices that take some of them 90 seconds so in the confidence kit the free resource i just mentioned there are nine

90 second confidence boosters so i don't want to hear the excuse that you don't have time to work on your confidence you absolutely do there are also practices like box breathing eft you can find five minute eft videos meditations journaling like there are so many exercises one of my favorite ones is like a mindset monologue which I explain in detail in the confidence course but it's essentially where you go on an upward spiral so instead of the downward what if spiral where you're like what if it goes wrong what if he leaves me what if I'm abandoned all that kind of shit you go upwards you spiral upwards and you go what if this is the best relationship I've ever had what if I'm so happy forever now or whatever it is you want to say like you spiral upwards into the positive what ifs and you can do

that for as little or as long as you want I like to do this when I'm driving I will literally just talk out loud to myself about all the amazing things that can happen in my life and it instantly shifts your energy and takes you out of anxiety. Creating confidence in myself is ultimately the thing that has helped me to reduce my anxious attachment. It's the thing that helped me relieve my anxiety for the most part. Like I spent years too afraid to leave the house because my anxiety was so bad because I'd have panic attacks regularly because my IBS was an absolute mess like I used to be the person that experienced crippling anxiety not just an anxious attachment but like crippling anxiety on a daily basis and the thing that's helped me through that and helped me to

manage that to the point where it is very rare that I'm anxious now has been creating confidence now it doesn't mean that it creating confidence now it doesn't mean that it's disappeared entirely it doesn't mean that the anxious attachment has gone entirely but for 90% of the time probably even more now to be perfectly honest probably like 95 96% of the time my anxious attachment doesn't exist and now I've learned these tools now I've increased my confidence now I've done the things I've shared with you in this episode and all the practical strategies that I've learned these tools now I've increased my confidence now I've done the things I've shared with you in this episode and all the practical strategies that I've got inside the confidence calls I can manage the anxious attachment and the anxiety so much better in the rare moments very rare moments that it appears so as I said you'll find every tool technique and strategy that I've

used to increase my confidence face my fears and raise my relationship standards, which is such an important lesson within the course. You'll find that inside the confidence course, which is linked in the show notes. And just quickly going back to what I said before about you not needing to spend hours and hours of time working on yourself, or if you're someone that feels like you don't have time to work on your confidence, the confidence course is also available on a private podcast player so just as you're listening to this podcast you can access every single training on a podcast feed as well so you can tune in you can watch the videos or you can read the transcripts or you can listen

via a podcast feed via a private podcast feed from wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts so if you're on itunes if you're on spotify wherever you prefer i know there's an abundance of other podcast players but you can also listen to every single lesson via that player which just makes it so much easier for you to be working on your confidence daily the lessons range from 5 to 28 minutes so you've got some short ones in there so if you just need a bit of a boost they will really really helpful so I know this episode has been a long time coming so many of you have asked me to create this episode and I really hope that everything that I've shared in here is going to be so valuable and so helpful for you and it will really support you in overcoming your anxious

attachment it is a lot of work I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say just do these things once and that's it your life is going to change forever, you'll never be anxious again, that's not true, and anyone that tells you that you can do a practice once and then that's it, you're fixed, not that you're broken, but like that's it, your problem's solved, is a fucking liar, to be perfectly honest, like these are things that you repeatedly need to bring yourself back to, practices that you repeatedly need to bring yourself back to over and over again. Techniques that you need to practice. Like practice makes progress, right? Keep working these tools. Keep listening to this episode.

Like save it somewhere helpful. So the next time you do feel anxious or you are going through that anxious attachment, you've got a resource to refer back to. Share it with your friends. If you have got friends that struggle with anxious attachment please share this far and wide share it on your socials because i believe that this information can be so so valuable and helpful to a ton of people so you can contribute your stories to the date with confidence podcast by heading to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute share your best or worst dating stories your biggest ics dating tips that you

think everyone should know including your own tips for anxious attachment or you can ask me anything about my dating life ask me for my advice share a scenario that you're going through that you need support with you can share all of that in the contribute form and don't forget to check the show notes for resources and courses that I've mentioned in this episode that can really help you date with confidence thank you so much for listening I really hope that this episode was worth the wait and I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends you