The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Stop Dating Losers: You Deserve More

Starting point is 00:00:00 It is time to stop dating losers. It's time to stop dating dickheads. It is time to stop dating people who are not worth your time, energy and effort. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date. Alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way,

Starting point is 00:00:33 shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends that's it that's the episode no i joke i don't but i did want to talk about this because i am a little bit, a little teeny bit sick to death of seeing women particularly settling for the bare minimum and celebrating that bare minimum. As I've said before, I'm part of quite a few different dating groups online mine and I see post after post on a daily basis of women accepting or not even necessarily accepting

Starting point is 00:01:33 to start with but receiving shitty behavior from men that they've just started dating and being like is this a red flag like what does this mean oh he didn't give me a time and place to meet him like should I still meet him or oh he disappeared for three days after we had sex but now it's Friday night and it's 10 p.m and he wants to take me out again should I go'm so, I wish I could give you an even better example right now because they were just off the top of my head and I feel like they're not that good examples but I'm sure you know what I'm saying, I'm sure if you're in those groups as well, you know, maybe, maybe, and I'm sorry if you are, maybe you are someone that is accepting shitty behaviour because you haven't got yourself to the point where you know what you are worthy of

Starting point is 00:02:27 perhaps there is a chance that you are so desperate for love and I don't mean desperate in a nasty way but I mean you are just so ready for that person you want them now you're sick of waiting you're done with all the shitty dates you're willing to just accept anyone now because you don't want to be alone maybe that's the position that you're in and I want to say to you I have been in multiple relationships where I wasn't respected where I wasn't treated as well as I could have been where where I was gaslit, where I was treated badly. And if you listened to the date and debrief, if you joined that free masterclass already, then you will have heard all the shit. Well, not even all the shit. You would have heard

Starting point is 00:03:18 a few of the examples of just how bad things were for me in previous relationships. And you will have heard how I've always made excuses for the men that I've been seeing, the men that I've been dating, the men that I've been in relationships with, the men that I've been in love with. You will know already the shit that I've been through and the bullshit that I put up with

Starting point is 00:03:40 and the excuses I made for these people. And if I could say to my younger self one thing it would be have some self-respect oh that feels really harsh actually I'm saying that out loud now I'm like oh that actually feels really harsh like I don't want to be harsh but I am also very much of the opinion that sometimes the softly softly approach is not what gets through to people sometimes and i am including myself in this as well sometimes i don't need the reassurance, the gentle, the kind, the softly approach. Sometimes I need to be slapped in the face with something that I don't want to hear because in being slapped in the face with something I don't want to hear, something goes off in me. It's like a major truth bomb and only in, it's not

Starting point is 00:04:43 even in, it's not even in receiving the slap around the face with the thing that I don't want to hear it's the being triggered within me that's the thing that actually makes me change that's the thing that makes me do things differently when I went through my last breakup and I began the healing process and removed those rose-tinted glasses and started to look at all the bad parts of the relationship that I'd been ignoring for years. I don't know whether I heard someone else say it or whether I thought it to myself. I can't remember now it was four years ago but in that moment i was like if a man treated your niece like this what would you do would you have accepted this of course you fucking wouldn't so why are you accepting it for yourself have some self-respect and that alone caused a lot of other

Starting point is 00:05:43 caused a lot of other shit to have to process because then there's the whole feeling ashamed and feeling guilty for allowing myself to be treated that way for so long and allowing certain scenarios to happen to me it brought up a lot of stuff but that helped me to move on and eventually get myself to this place, to the place where I am no longer willing or available to date losers at all. So if you haven't caught up on the date in debrief yet, then you can still sign up for the free training. Just go to the show notes and you'll be able to catch the replay. Instant access. Give it a listen. It is 100% worth it, I believe. And I've had really amazing feedback from it. You have to believe that you are worthy of the relationship you desire. You have to believe you are deserving

Starting point is 00:06:30 of the green flags. You have to believe that the way someone treated you in the past is not an accurate reflection of who you are. It's not. The way somebody else treated you does not mean anything about your worthiness, about your lovability, about how deserving you are, about who you are as a person and you don't want to continue carrying that only to repeat the same patterns that you've had in the past. I want you to make a promise to me right now. You're done with dating losers. That's it. Done. From now on, it's not even making a promise to me actually. Fuck that. I want you to make a promise to yourself. From now on, you are not available for anyone less than you deserve. and this is why confidence building is so vital when it

Starting point is 00:07:27 comes to dating because the more confident you are the more self-respect you're naturally going to have and the less bullshit you will accept the less bullshit you'll be available for so once you've listened to this i would encourage you to go back to episode 37 on how to be confident in yourself when you're dating just for some extra confidence boosting tips to make sure that you are your most confident self when it comes to dating now i've got a couple of practical strategies to help you to stop dating losers to improve your self-worth, to help you increase your self-respect. These are all things that I have been actively doing for myself over the past four years. They are things that have really worked for me. And how do I know that they've worked? Because I've been dating some genuinely decent men because I've been dating lots more green flags than red flags

Starting point is 00:08:29 because I've actually manifested people into my life who are closer or the closest to my vision of what my husband is than ever before. So in terms of helping you increase the belief or build the belief that you are worthy of the relationship you deserve, think about all the reasons you're telling yourself that you don't deserve more. So think about past relationships, how they made you feel. Think about past dating experiences. Think about comments that your exes might have made or family members might have made or friends might have made about you. Think about relationships that were modelled to you during your childhood. So for example, for me, my parents split up when I was seven or eight so I was really young they argued a lot in the

Starting point is 00:09:27 couple of years immediately after the divorce because my dad stayed living at my house they hated it well mum hated dad they didn't get along they fought in front of us all the time my brother and I were very much um borns in the divorce we were like tools to hurt each of the parents and I grew up in that toxic environment where passive aggressiveness where not being able to control your emotions where using your child to hurt someone else was that was my experience of love and marriage I mean obviously not love but marriage like that was modeled to me when i was younger and because i wasn't modeled a healthy relationship for a start i didn't know what one actually looked like and i didn't believe that it was possible for me so think about all these

Starting point is 00:10:20 reasons that you're telling yourself that you don't deserve more write them all down on a piece of paper or on a journal and then get a thick black marker or a pen of some sort that you've got lying around and draw a line through them so scribble it out get rid of that reason and write next to each of those experiences that you've just crossed out write the mantra I am lovable, I am enough, I am worthy of the relationship I desire and this is such a powerful tool for many reasons. For a start you're actually understanding what it is that's telling you that you don't deserve something and that is a story it's not a fact it's not the truth it's a story and then the action of crossing it out is like a physical way to say i'm not believing this anymore i'm choosing to believe differently and then give

Starting point is 00:11:21 yourself that powerful mantra i am lovable i, I am enough, I am worthy of the relationship I desire. I use this mantra all the time, I use a version that doesn't involve the relationship sentence, like in general, if I'm feeling a bit shitty about myself, but when it comes to dating, I constantly remind myself of that, I am lovable, I I'm enough I am worthy of the relationship I desire and that has really helped me to believe that what I want is possible and I am deserving of it and then I've also spent a lot of time building my self-worth because after my last breakup my self-worth was on the floor my self-esteem my self-confidence my self-belief everything every everything to do with myself was like on the floor rock bottom it was a really miserable place to be so I've spent a long time increasing my self-worth and I've done that based on the three layers of confidence I

Starting point is 00:12:18 talk about in the 1990 mindset concept that is episode 19 I think um this simple concept will help you date with confidence you can listen to that but in terms of self-worth self in terms of self-worth I've worked on the think act and feel layer so the think layer I've changed the things I tell myself I am constantly changing my thoughts because my default thoughts for the most part are pretty confident but there are also days where I'm not confident where I do struggle where something has happened that's knocked my confidence and I doubt myself or I question myself and in those moments I need to create awareness around what I'm thinking and what I'm telling myself and then change those thoughts. So instead of telling myself that, I don't know, for example, if you were on the dating debrief you'll know this already,

Starting point is 00:13:10 but I used to believe that my exes were out of my league. I used to believe that they were so much better than I was and I couldn't understand why the fuck they'd want to be with me and because I felt like they were out of my league, I was really scared that I was going to lose them because I wasn't good enough. But now I've done so much growth and healing work that I don't believe in this idea of leagues or this like idea of hierarchy that someone could be better than me or worse than me. I don't believe in that. I believe that we're equals and now I don't have that as my default narrative. there are still occasions where something that where I'll get a thought in my head if I've been on a dating app and someone has swiped me and

Starting point is 00:13:49 I'm like oh my god they're so fit they're obviously not going to match with me then I'm like hang on a second Rebecca let's uh let's change that one around why would I swipe on them um as an example so changing the way changing the things that I tell myself, and really embedding those powerful mantras into my daily life to help me think and believe that I am worthy. Then when it comes to the axe layer, it's really about treating yourself in the right way. So doing my hair, doing my makeup, adjusting my posture so that I'm taking up more space in the room like using a wine glass to drink water from or using my favorite glass for my smoothie these are tiny little things things like using your favorite china on an every like on a random Tuesday morning because you love

Starting point is 00:14:38 it not saying to yourself this is my special occasion china because you're worthy of using that china every single day for example things like adding lemon to my water just to make it a bit more bougie just to take that that just to take that extra 10 seconds to create myself a drink that's obviously got vitamin c in because i've just added some lemon but that's a little bit more jazzed up than just a glass of water so and that says to yourself i am worthy of spending more time on me on preparing myself a nourishing drink or nourishing meals and then when it comes to the feel layer dedicating time and prioritizing time for meditation yoga breath, breath work, EFT, anything to shift my energy and to make me feel good, really prioritizing the way that I feel as opposed to the things that I do. I really want to encourage you

Starting point is 00:15:36 to stop settling for the tiniest of crumbs and if you're like me and you've come out of a pretty bad relationship and you maybe didn't realize how bad it was when you were in there and then you start dating someone and they're doing things that you always wanted your ex to do but they really are just tiny little things like ask yourself regularly am I just settling for this because it's better than my ex? Am I just settling for this person because they're treating me better than my ex? Or is there a genuine connection there? Do I genuinely want to be with this person? Do I am I really enjoying getting to know them? Or is it just because they're treating me differently? You don't need to settle for the tiniest crumbs of affection. I fully believe that the person that exactly

Starting point is 00:16:27 matches who we desire is out there for us. I believe that the vision that we have in our head for the person that we want to be with is out there or better and I refuse to settle for less than that and that doesn't make me high maintenance, that doesn't make me arrogant, that doesn't make me overconfident, that doesn't make me stuck up, that is what I believe. I believe that the person I desire and the person that I am deserving of is out there for me. You need to raise the bar on what you expect from the people you're dating and you need to expect more from the people you date. This is all about raising your relationship standards. Now we have an in-depth lesson on this inside the confidence course which you can buy as a standalone course or you can get it completely for free when you join level up in love and the exercises within that will change the

Starting point is 00:17:33 game for you when it comes to your relationships you have to raise these standards so that you don't end up back in a similar situation that you've been in before. Now this lesson does cover relationships in general as well so it is about romantic relationships but it can also be applied to familial relationships or friendships and some of the things that we do in that are things like switching your story, looking at why you feel the way that you feel, getting rid of the shoulds and other people's opinions of your standards, getting crystal clear on your standards and your expectations. My standards, my non-negotiable standards, which are complete deal breakers, are able to drive, love to travel and go on holiday, able to handle conflict in a loving way understanding accepting

Starting point is 00:18:26 and kind open-minded and willing to see things from different perspectives they are things that i want in a partner and i am not willing to date someone who does not have those standards so i want to encourage you if you haven't been thinking about your relationship standards for a while or what you want and what you don't want do some work around that get crystal clear on what you are willing to and no longer willing to accept anymore and also be mindful of who you surround yourself with all the relationships that you have on a pedestal and this also applies to the relationships that you follow on social media they say that we are the product of the five people that we spend the most time with and i do believe that that can also apply to relationships so if we are surrounded by people who are in toxic relationships who are

Starting point is 00:19:18 accepting bullshit behavior who are making excuses for their partner all the time when they're treated badly there's a good chance that we'll start to see that behavior as normal and accept that behavior behaviour who are making excuses for their partner all the time when they're treated badly, there's a good chance that we'll start to see that behaviour as normal and accept that behaviour. Try to surround yourself with people who are in healthy relationships or have a healthy view on relationships. It's okay to surround yourself with single people as well, that's absolutely fine, but try and find spaces where people who where people are actively working to improve their relationships to improve their dating life to work through their own patterns to heal their own past to improve their own confidence because then that will start to rub off on you as well and you'll

Starting point is 00:19:57 feel supported when you're doing that alongside other people. One thing that massively helped me to raise my relationship standards and to refuse to settle for less than I deserve was finding examples of loving relationships that I can aspire to have. So I never really had examples of strong healthy relationships growing up like my grandparents have been married for years and years like one of them last one one set of grandparents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary last year and then my other set of grandparents celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary last week so my grandparents have been together for fucking ages um but there were aspects of their relationships that I could perhaps say that wasn't quite as healthy as it could be and as I said like my own parents relationships were

Starting point is 00:20:52 not good at all when I started to actively seek relationships to inspire me and to help me build the belief that what I wanted was possible I chose a couple of friends that I've got that have been together for a long time and saw the way that they value each other, they support each other, the way that they can say whatever they want to each other and they don't live in that fear that the other person will walk out. I look at my brother and my sister-in-law's relationship and because I can see that those exist, don't want less than that now I don't want less than the relationships that they have so I would encourage you to do the same like find examples of loving relationships that you can aspire to have and then lastly I mentioned this

Starting point is 00:21:36 in episode 30 how to believe your dream relationship exists but anchor into a reason for your dream relationship that is greater than yourself because it's all very well saying that we're going to do these things for ourself and this is the way that we're going to behave for ourself and we're worthy of this and we're deserving of this and we're not going to settle for us but sometimes it can be hard to hold that commitment to yourself sometimes it's much more powerful for us to find that external reason and for me when my niece was born that's when I really committed to only dating decent guys from now on because I need to be in a healthy relationship so that I can mirror that to her

Starting point is 00:22:21 now her parents have got an amazing relationship. Her parents, she's going to be modelled a healthy relationship from her parents, but I don't want her to grow up and see me in a bad relationship and think that it's acceptable for her to be treated the same way. So I really anchor into this is why I am making the effort to not settle for less. This is why I've done all this work on myself. Yes I've done it for me but I've also done it for her. Likewise if it gets to the point where I'm having kids I don't want them to see me in a health in an unhealthy relationship I want to be in a healthy relationship with their dad and obviously we can't predict the future I can't say that I'm gonna have a child with someone and that's it we're gonna be married and settled forever and ever because we all know

Starting point is 00:23:13 that life happens but even if I wasn't able to stay with their dad or the dad decided he didn't love me or whatever I like to think that I could co-parent healthily with the partner that I choose but in order to get to that place where I could co-parent well or I could parent well with someone I cannot be dating the same type of people that I dated when I was younger I have to keep those relationship standards raised. I have to no longer settle for the bare minimum I deserve more my future children deserve more my niece and nephew deserve more So I think that's all that I wanted to say on that. I hope it wasn't too aggressive to start with but there you go.

Starting point is 00:23:51 If this was something that you needed to hear then do let me know. You can leave me some feedback in if you go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute, you can leave me your feedback there, you can rate and review the show, you can share your ics, your tips, your dating stories, or you can ask me for advice in your current dating situation. Ask me a question, whatever it is. The next community episode is on the 11th of April. Before then, if you would like ongoing coaching support

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Starting point is 00:25:06 go and join Loved Up. I'll see you there. Let me know how this landed for you and I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Stop Dating Losers: You Deserve More

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