The Date with Confidence Podcast - I Ignored the Guy Who Cancelled Last Minute

Starting point is 00:00:00 You do not owe anyone a response. easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe subscribe review and share with your single friends so if you've been chatting someone if you have been seeing someone and they call things off or they ghost you or not even ghosting because that you wouldn't get response anyway

Starting point is 00:01:05 but if someone calls things off and it is done in a bit of a shitty way you don't owe them anything you don't owe them a response at all and this comes from a recent experience I had so I'd met this guy on bumble I'd been chatting to him I didn't I didn't I'm not really a fan of Bumble I'm not gonna lie I I much prefer Hinge because I hate speaking first I feel like there's a lot of pressure to start the conversation in a really good way and I never know how to start a fucking conversation I don't know what I'm saying it's it's not my favorite but anyways started chatting to this girl on Bumble and the conversation was good initially, it was really good, it was quite, was it flirty? I don't know if flirty is the right word, it wasn't

Starting point is 00:01:51 inappropriately flirty but it was good to crack back and forth and it was nice and he asked me out on a date and we'd planned it for, I don't know, it was like a week's time I think from when we initially started chatting but then I got COVID so I was ill and I had to cancel so the day before the date I messaged him and he already knew that I was ill because I'd already like spoke about it in conversation and then I messaged him I was just like look do you know what I'm not feeling good at all can we postpone our date for another time and he was like sure not a problem and we kind of messaged like a little bit in between like we hadn't been having intense conversations intense conversations or anything it was just kind of like a couple of messages back and forth like general chit chat nothing exciting whatever so and I

Starting point is 00:02:44 didn't reply to him for a couple of days or day or whatever and then he messaged me and was just like oh like how's the patient and I said like still rough whatever we spoke asked him how his week had been and then a week later when I was feeling better I was just like oh I'm like feeling better when should we rearrange the date for and he was like how's the weekend looking I think this was on the Thursday maybe or the Wednesday he was like how's your weekend looking I was like actually I've got my niece for the weekend can you do weekdays and he was like I said like can you do like evenings in the week and he was like oh can you do evenings and he was like oh week like weekday evenings and I was like yeah and he was like oh how's Sunday evening I can do that I was like sure do you know what let me just double check because

Starting point is 00:03:30 I don't know how long I've got her for so I'll double check and then I'll let you know so confirmed it with my sister-in-law confirmed with my mum like fine they're gonna come for dinner at one o'clock I can go out in the evening I'll have time to get ready whatever and I was a bit dubious at first because I was like I'm probably gonna be knackered because when she stays with me I don't always sleep because of the fact that she's in my room I'm very conscious of the fact that she's there I wake up a lot um it's what it is but we we arranged for the Sunday anyways so it gets to. I knew he was going away from the Friday. So he goes away on the Friday. And bearing in mind, like we've not chatted, it's not like we've chatted nonstop. So breaking communication, not an issue for me at all.

Starting point is 00:04:15 It's fine. So I speak to him on the Friday. No, he's away the whole weekend. Don't bother. Like I've messaged him. He's not replied. He's read it, not replied, I don't bother messaging him again until it gets to the Sunday, so it's Sunday morning, and, oh, hang on, I just had a message from somebody that I thought had disappeared off the face of the earth, but they haven't, they are back, um, that's the story for another episode anyway so it gets to the sunday i've said that we're like we've discussed meeting at 5 p.m still don't know what we're gonna do because when we said about like meeting on the sunday i was like oh we just need to decide i said to him like what we're gonna do because he was gonna plan things he was gonna come up with an idea decide what we're gonna do and i was like oh what are we doing he was like oh I haven't thought about it yet so I'm like okay fine you've got four days not an

Starting point is 00:05:07 issue we'll just decide closer to the time knew it was I said I'm free anytime after five and he's like perfect good so it gets to half eleven on the Sunday bearing in mind we're meeting at five and I message him saying hope you had fun in wherever you are what's the plan for this evening because I also thought I want an answer like I need to know what I'm doing with my life because I've got my niece my sister sister-in-law and brother are coming for dinner I need to plan my afternoon to make sure that I'm ready in time to make sure that have dinner etc etc so I was make sure that I have dinner, etc, etc. So I was like, what's the plan? And then at quarter past one, bearing in mind we're meeting at five-ish, I get a message saying it was a bit of a head spin, being honest, I bumped into my ex and we ended up

Starting point is 00:05:57 spending time together. In short, I don't think it's wise for me to date right now. Now, I am a compassionate person, I'm a very understanding person. I would not have been bothered by this at all. It wouldn't, it wouldn't have bothered me if he had messaged me differently and said, look, I bumped into my ex. I don't know where my head's at at the moment. I'm not sure it's wise for me to date. I'm sorry to do this last minute. Or I'm sorry to cancel. Or I'm sorry that I didn't let you know sooner. I'm sorry that I'm only just letting you know. There was zero apology. And on the one hand, I am very much like, you don't owe anyone anything because we've never met before we've only been speaking for a couple of weeks it's not like we know each other it's not like

Starting point is 00:06:51 we've got um a connection well yeah it's not like we know if there's a connection But fucking apologise. Apologise for the fact that this is last minute. Like, don't just say this is what's happened. Just have a bit of compassion from your end. So I just ignored him. And this is what I wanted to say in this episode. Like, you don't owe anyone a response. Because I know so many people who will have received a response like that, instantly made it mean that they are not good enough,

Starting point is 00:07:33 that that person's ex is better than them, that it's something that they have done, maybe the chat wasn't good enough, maybe they had said something in a message that they didn't like. And I know that people do this because my brain being the way that it is and how it instantly goes to the negative my brain was like oh maybe it's because I told him that I fake tan maybe he's changed his mind and I think we can all agree that that is fucking ridiculous I think we can all understand that me telling someone that I

Starting point is 00:08:07 use fake tan is one not gonna have made them change their mind about taking me on a date and two if it has made them change their mind about taking me on the date they're not my person anyway so I had a lucky fucking escape right but in this instance I archived the chat and didn't bother responding because I felt like it was disrespectful and I do not I am not available for being disrespected for that level of it's not even being disrespected it's just that i wasn't respected he didn't have the respect to tell me sooner bearing in mind one if i hadn't have messaged him to say what are we doing this evening, would he have even messaged me, to you went away on the Friday, probably bumped into her on either the Friday or the Saturday, which is still a day

Starting point is 00:09:15 before you're supposed to be taking me out, so as soon as you bump into her and spend time with her, you message me straight away and say, look, gonna have to cancel tomorrow's date. I've bumped into my ex. I'm in a bit of a bad place at the moment. I'm sorry for such short notice. That's all it needed to be. But the lack of respect of not even giving me that, I mean, I've had a lucky escape. And when that happens to you, when that happens to you, hopefully it won't, but hello, online dating, if that happens to you, you don't owe them anything either. You don't owe them an apology. You don't, you don't owe them a message. You don't owe them a, okay, thanks for letting me know. Because at first I was like,

Starting point is 00:10:02 do you know what? I'll reply and be like, appreciate your honesty. Good luck with your life. And I'm like, no, because he's not apologetic. You haven't given me the respect that I deserve and the respect that I am looking for from someone. I'm not available for it. I'm just, I'm not here for it. I'm not available for it. You're also five years older than me I thought this was the shit that little boys did so it is what it is it's fine but I also actually there was a couple of things anyway like I didn't necessarily know that anything was gonna happen with this guy because there was one instance that I felt was a bit weird so we were like chatting back and forth about like dating rules because he'd said something about um I can't

Starting point is 00:10:45 remember what the conversation was but I was like oh I don't really subscribe to dating rules oh no he'd said something about like a hundred rule date or something which I assumed was him talking about sex and I was just like oh I don't really subscribe to rules and he was like no me neither and I was like oh what's the weirdest dating rule that you've ever come across and he said someone wants someone continuing to hook up with their fuck buddy whilst dating me and I was like oh I've never experienced that I was like well if I'd just been on a first date with someone like it wouldn't really bother me but obviously if I'd been seeing someone for a few months then yeah that'd probably be an issue and I was just like oh how long were you seeing her for and he was like oh we'd just been on a

Starting point is 00:11:27 first date and I'm like to me that screams like possessive and controlling and I kind of it kind of made me a bit anxious like my body went a bit anxious around it because I was just like I already had three other dates no two other dates with two different people lined up when I started chatting to this guy. And I was like, I hope you don't think that because I've agreed to go on a date with you, I'm not going to date anyone else because that's not how I'm doing things. Like I am very much, I've decided to call it like dating like a man. Like I have a pipeline. I'm dating multiple people at a time. I'm talking to multiple people at a time because after being burnt previously where I've either had people ghost on me or cancel dates at

Starting point is 00:12:11 the last minute or go on one date and then change their mind or go on a few dates and then change their mind I'm not doing this thing where I'm just focusing my attention on one person because that's not healthy for me that doesn't work for me that creates space for me to become obsessed and anxiously attached to someone and I'm not here for that like I'm far more self-aware now than I was when I was younger so that was a bit of a red flag for me at the time anyway so you know what another bullet bullet dodged. We are going to celebrate it. And when it came to the rejection, so as I've mentioned in a previous episode, which I'd encourage you to go and listen to the how to deal with rejection when you're dating episode, I am sensitive to rejection. I do have a history of making rejection mean a lot of things about me and as I said like as I shared before the embarrassing thing about the fake chat and

Starting point is 00:13:08 comment it is easy for my brain to instantly think that I've been rejected because of who I am but I can deal with rejection much easier now and I'm not bothered by it like it's fine it is what it is I was annoyed that the respect wasn't there but it is what it is so go and go back and listen to how to deal with rejection when you're dating if you've been in a similar situation and to add to that I also want to say like you have a choice about what you think or what you make rejection mean to you. So you can overanalyse your own behaviour. So I could go into that spiral of, I told him about the fake tan, I sent that message a few weeks ago about me not being bothered if someone wanted to carry on shagging their fuck buddy if I'd been on one date with them. I could make it mean that, oh, because I cancelled the date

Starting point is 00:14:06 the other week, he's lost interest. I could have spiralled into a state where I over-analysed my behaviour for the last couple of weeks. I could have thought, oh, he's seen my WhatsApp status with my niece where I haven't got makeup on and my hair's tied up and he's changed his mind and doesn't find me attractive anymore my brain can go there our brains can go there we can make anything into a negative if we try hard enough we can over analyze anything we like to make it that we are not enough we are very good at doing that especially as women, because that's what we've been conditioned to believe. But you have a choice in that.

Starting point is 00:14:50 You can change your mind. You can choose to say, well, that's bullshit. You can choose to say, I am just as attractive with makeup on as I am without makeup on you can choose to say that me fake tanning for myself doesn't turn a guy on or turn a guy off you can choose to change your thoughts and beliefs and you can choose to look at a belief just like I did with a fake tan belief and go well that's a load of bollocks. You can choose to say that out loud and go, well, that's bullshit belief. Just because that thought has come into your mind does not mean it's true. And I would encourage you to challenge all of the thoughts that you are having on a regular basis, whether it's to do with dating, whether it's to do with work, whether it's to do

Starting point is 00:15:43 with how you feel about yourself, how you view your appearance, challenge every negative thought you have. Because is that thought true? No, it's not. Do you want that thought to be true? Absolutely not. So find a truth, find a thought, find a belief that's more empowering. And don't let things that other people do to you or other people's behaviour impact the way that you think and believe about yourself. You get that choice. You're in charge of your mind. Might not feel like it all the time. Might be a practice.

Starting point is 00:16:24 It's definitely a practice. There's no might about it. It be a practice it's definitely a practice there's no there's no might about it it is a practice deciding what you think deciding what your beliefs are but you get to choose something better for you challenge those beliefs every single freaking day except that in these in these scenarios this wasn't about you, this was about them. And choose not to fall into that self-blame. And if you do find yourself in a state of blaming yourself or shaming yourself or over-analysing your own behaviour, don't then feel guilty for thinking about that or thinking like that. Create that awareness, come back to yourself, remind yourself you're amazing, and choose a new, more empowering thought. And remember, you don't owe anyone a response.

Starting point is 00:17:13 If someone hasn't treated you the way that you deserve to be treated, you don't owe them anything. Even if I'd been on a date with this guy and I'd got that response, just because we met in real life doesn't mean that I would have owed them a response. Now that doesn't mean, this isn't talking about like in a scenario, like if somebody has messaged you, that doesn't mean you just ghost them. But in the scenario that I'm talking about, like this scenario, where I wasn't treated with the respect that I deserve, I know I deserve, they're not getting a response from me. It's what it is. He's going to move on with his life, I'm going to move on with my life. We haven't lost anything. It's not going to impact me in

Starting point is 00:17:58 any way, shape or form. It's not going to impact him in any way, shape or shape or form is what it is so you can contribute your stories to the date with confidence podcast by heading to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute i want to hear your best dating stories i want to hear your worst dating stories i want to hear your ghosting stories your cancelled date stories your bullshit messages that you've received from people i want to hear it all your ics your tips everything tell me about it datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute you can submit anonymously you don't have to have your name read out if you don't want to and don't forget to check the show notes for resources and courses to help you date with confidence thank you so much for listening i'll see you in the next one thanks so much for listening And don't forget to check the show notes for resources and courses to help you date with confidence.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - I Ignored the Guy Who Cancelled Last Minute

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