The Date with Confidence Podcast - I Know What I Deserve Now and This Is NOT It

Starting point is 00:00:00 Now this is not the episode that I thought I was going to be recording today. I thought we were about to discuss, I thought we were about to do a little pre-date episode. I thought we were going to talk about my date expectations, what's been going on with this guy for the last couple of weeks, the lead up to the first date, how I'm feeling, but... Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date.

Starting point is 00:00:45 Alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come.

Starting point is 00:01:01 And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends but but but that's not the case so i was out for dinner a couple of nights ago with the girls i need to i need to um when i mentioned them last time on the pod, I called them the girls, and they were just like, oh my god, we got a mention, so I was out with two of my friends, Frances and Jade, hi guys, I was out with them the other night, and we were talking about this guy that I've been chatting to for the last few weeks, and how well it's going, and I couldn't go, I couldn't go on a date with him sooner because I was away

Starting point is 00:01:47 for a week in Valencia and so we'd finally got a date booked in for when I was back and we were talking about him and what's been going on with him and they were like oh my god you should record a pre-date episode talking all about him talking about what you're going to do on the day what you're kind of expecting how you're feeling so then once you've had the date you can follow it up and I was like oh my god that's a brilliant idea I'm definitely gonna do that so plan to sit down and record the pre-date episode the day before that the day after sorry and then I get a message I mean I even said this when we were having dinner I had a feeling that he was going to cancel can't explain it intuitive nudge whatever you want to call it like I had this feeling I'm not going to be seeing him on Sunday so this was the Thursday that I got the message was supposed to be seeing him on the

Starting point is 00:02:34 Sunday we've been talking like pretty much non-stop for two weeks and then I get the message saying I'm gonna have to rearrange I'm sorry Becca, Becca, I can't do Sunday. And I'm like, oh, that's kind of annoying. Like, it's annoying. But maybe he's just got more work on because he's been telling me how busy he is with work. Maybe he's just got loads of work on and he's had to cancel. And this is why. So my response was, I had a feeling you were gonna say that and then I get the message back that says yeah my friends have invited me are going away for the weekend they've invited me and they've got some friends joining sorry now had he said that he was caught up with work I'd have been like do you know what I get it works a lot you've obviously got a lot going on it's fine yes it's annoying appreciate the fact

Starting point is 00:03:34 that you've told me like four days before it's supposed to happen rather than wait until the day I understand we'll rearrange, not an issue. But the fact that he has decided to go away with his friend and his wife and a few friends that he doesn't know, or a few of their friends, so these are people that he doesn't know, instead of take me out on a date and spend the day getting to know me, is not it. I'm not here for it. Now, there is more to this story than I am comfortable sharing right now. And I think the additional pieces to the story will make it make so much more sense as to why this pissed me off but those pieces of information are going to be shared somewhere else you can check the link in the show notes because I don't know when this episode's coming out because I've already got episodes queued up and scheduled and there will be extra information about this story that will be shared either via a private sub stack or via a paid

Starting point is 00:04:55 version of this podcast I haven't decided what that's going to be yet but they are things that I'm happy to talk about but I'm not happy to be in I'm not happy for that information to be shared that anyone can get their hands on it family I'm talking to you there are certain things that I am happy to discuss and be open about but there has to be a certain level of safety from my perspective and that will come for me in the form of it being paid content so as I said it'll either be in a subsec newsletter or it's going to be a private paid version of this podcast or it's going to be both I haven't decided yet but if you want to hear the the additional parts of this story then that is where you can find out if you're not that interested that's

Starting point is 00:05:43 absolutely fine it's nothing I don't want to big it up and be like oh my god it's such a dramatic thing like this isn't a tactic to get people to pay for the podcast this is just there are certain pieces of information and this is going to be the same with interviews that I do with certain friends there are things that I am happy and open to share, but there has to be for my own safety and privacy from certain people. Like I have to be in, I have to, um, yeah, do that for myself. So the date isn't happening. And the thing is, should we rewind a little bit let's let's rewind a little bit back to when I first matched with him I matched with him on Bumble two weeks ago now and I don't know about you but if somebody compliments my appearance I ignore them because I'm like you've sent that to

Starting point is 00:06:44 hundreds of different girls like I don't like the fact that you've complimented on my complimented me on my appearance when there's more in my profile that is significant and personal to me and would spark more of a conversation than being like you have a beautiful smile but on this occasion I don't know why I accepted it but on this occasion the comment that was left was you have a beautiful smile Becca and I was like do you know what checked out his profile liked what he'd written thought he was fit I was like yeah do you know what I'm gonna go for this like what have I got to lose matched with him was like thanks what should we call him should we call him Ted let's call him Ted thanks Ted I like yours too and then we got into well then we

Starting point is 00:07:34 were chatting and he was quite quick with the chatting we were talking about dates and he was very open very honest um some people might say too honest I appreciated it we're talking about a lot of stuff um talking about dating he said something about um does that mean I'm gonna get the chance to take you on a date and I was like we have to ask me and to find out like it was kind of flirty a little bit of banter a little bit back and forth and then we got onto the subject of sex which again like normally there are certain people if they had dived straight into that conversation with me I'd have been like are you fucking kidding me and what are you talking about but the way in which the conversation unfolded he wanted to share certain information because of what he was looking for. So he was very upfront

Starting point is 00:08:27 with, I want to experiment, there are certain lifestyles that I want to look into, I don't want just vanilla sex if you like, there are things that I want to explore, that I want to try with a partner and he was very much like, I know this is very forward but I think it's better to be open and honest up front and I am very much in agreement with I would much rather someone come out and be like this is exactly what I'm looking for if you don't fit that bill then like let's just stop talking now I would so much rather hear all that up front so that I can make my own conscious decision of is this someone that I can make my own conscious decision of, is this someone that I want to continue talking to rather than be with someone for six months?

Starting point is 00:09:10 And then all of a sudden they bring out something that is gonna, that is a complete no-go for me. Because by that point I've invested time, energy, there's emotion involved. Not for me, I would much rather have these conversations up front. And the things that he was sharing, I was like, you know what, I'm pretty open, I was like, not done this before, not done that before, but I'd be open to trying different things, like, I'm a pretty open-minded person, we, and then we carried on talking for that, and the last couple of weeks, like, the sex, the sex, oh my god, we haven't had sex yet, because we've not met in person, but the chat has got the sex oh my god we haven't had sex yet because we've not met in person but the chat has got very sexual there's been some sexting I've had conversations about what we like what we don't

Starting point is 00:09:52 like alongside conversations about I mean in all fairness you know when you think back to things and you're like oh yeah it has been a lot about him about like his job his aspirations um we've talked about a lot of a lot of different things alongside the sex stuff but a lot of it has been been the sex chat and do you know what I have really enjoyed it and this is what I was very conscious of when I was entering into these conversations because I was like if I this is and this is what I asked myself I was like if I never meet this guy am I gonna be happy that I've had these conversations and my answer was very much yes like I don't care this is nice I feel like in talking to this guy I have reawakened a part of me that had pretty much died since since my last relationship probably even a little bit before my last relationship ended in my early 20s I was very

Starting point is 00:10:57 I felt very sexually empowered I was confident sexually I was very content with who I am I was very confident in my body I was a very sexual person and I feel like I lost that partly being in a relationship when kind of emotions get involved and then also in that relationship ending like I've been single for four years I haven't slept with anyone for four years which is a fucking long time let me tell you I'm ready for that not to be the case anymore but I feel like this whole part of me this whole flirty feeling attractive sexual part of me had had disappeared and now I feel like it's well and truly been reawakened. For a long time I felt like, what if I can't flirt with anyone anymore? What if I've just lost this whole part of myself that feels attractive, that gets turned on by things and people and can have like a positive sexual experience and can be open in that way again what if I can't

Starting point is 00:12:05 open myself up in the way that I used to it was a it was a very real concern for me it was something that I was very worried about and was very in my head about but having these conversations over the last couple of weeks I'm like okay nope she's there she was there all along and I feel very empowered and I feel very confident in that area again and on top of that something else that I wanted to discuss in regards to this situation where we have been having very open conversations about what we want in life in general and in terms of sex, when I was younger, I would always try to tailor my answer in a way that would, I suppose in my mind, guarantee that I was still attractive. And in a way that would please my partner or someone that I was talking to I was very anxious to say no and very much

Starting point is 00:13:10 led with that whole like people pleasing I have to say the right thing for him to find me attractive if I say no I don't want to do this is he gonna leave me that was very much the state that I was in and now I've said no so many times over the last couple of weeks or not it's not even about saying no I have been completely upfront and honest about what is and what isn't acceptable and what my boundaries are and I've done it without that gut feeling or that gut clenching sense of, oh my god, is he going to stop talking to me? And that has felt really good. I feel like I've got to a place where I can say what I want.

Starting point is 00:13:57 I can ask for what I want. I can say no when I want to without fear of judgment or criticism or abandonment or any of those things and that has felt really nice and it's even been like commented back like oh I like the fact that you know what you want and I'm like well yeah I do know what I want and I openly said like I know what I want I know what I deserve and I'm not willing to settle for any less than that and that's how I feel about this situation now, when I got that message to say that he had to rearrange, he was like, can we rearrange, and, and do you know what else is annoying, the fact that he, if he'd come back and said, really sorry, something's come up, can you do Wednesday,

Starting point is 00:14:40 for example, and actually given me a day, hasn't he's very much like can we rearrange oh no we'll have to rearrange sorry and I was just like had a feeling you were gonna say that and then obviously expecting the whole work's been busy but the fact that he was like yeah my friend his wife they're going away for the week they're inviting some friends and they've asked me to go I'm not okay with that I just replied and went cool have fun and then we haven't spoken since and I don't expect I don't actually expect to hear from him again and I've got no interest in speaking to him again because the thing is whilst yeah he doesn't owe me anything he doesn't owe me a date we've never met before it's not like we've been on a few dates and then he's

Starting point is 00:15:24 cancelled on me for his friends and if that's what he wants to go and do I think even if he had said ah they're going away this weekend they've invited me would you be all right if we are rearranged for Wednesday or next weekend or something it was even in the way that it was worded pissed me off because it was very much like I'm choosing these people over spending time with you and again as I said there's there's a bit more to this story than I can share on here but I'm not available for that I am not available to be second best to anything I am not available for I would I'm gonna cancel my date with you so that I can go and spend time with people that I don't really know that well and that's essentially what it is he's

Starting point is 00:16:11 gonna go and spend time with yay his workmate but also a group of people that he doesn't know I am not okay with I'd rather spend time getting to know people that I don't know, rather than take you on a date and get to know you. I'm not here for it. I have been through too many shitty experiences with men, where I have been made to feel like I am not good enough, I am second best, everyone else is more important than me. And I'm not here for it anymore. I know what I deserve now. I am very aware of the type of relationship that I deserve, of the way that I deserve to am very aware of the type of relationship that I deserve of the way that I deserve to be treated of the type of man that I want to date and that is not it that is not it for me and I am so strong in that and it feels it it actually feels really good although it's shit because I thought that basically on paper and everything that we've talked about it sounded like we were going to be a really good match

Starting point is 00:17:12 in lots of different ways so on the whole whole spectrum of things and a week before I met him online I'd had a conversation with one of my best mates and was like this is what I want to try this is what I want to do this is what I'm looking for blah blah blah and everything that I had said that I wanted was in what did I call him Ted was in Ted and he just appeared and I was like fuck me that is manifesting at its finest I've literally put it out into the universe this is what I want this is what I want to try this is who I want to meet and bang he showed up on my door but then this is this has happened and whilst yes I'm disappointed I feel like every single situation like this like the one with delusional guy like the one even with the near perfect date guy, every single time these situations happen, it's a blessing, because my boundaries get tighter, my expectations get higher,

Starting point is 00:18:11 my standards get higher, and I reinforce the idea of I am not settling, I could so easily have gone back to him and been like, yeah it's no problem, like what day do you want to do I could have carried on chasing him and I'm not about that I'm not chasing someone who cannot see how valuable I am if you would rather go and spend time with strangers that you've never met then take me out on a date that is absolutely okay and I'm not saying this with malice like this isn't uh oh fuck you you go and spend time with her like it's not that at all it's we're clearly at different points in our life what you suggested you were looking for is clearly not what you are actually looking for and that's fine if you want to go and have fun like that is like genuinely I really hope you

Starting point is 00:19:06 enjoy yourself I hope you have a great weekend I hope you enjoy the rest of your life that's fine by me but I am not going to be sat here waiting around for you to decide that oh actually I am important enough now or for you to wait and decide oh no you've got nothing else on yeah now I'll take you out I'm not here for it I'm not and I really I'm really proud of myself for getting to this place but the reason I've got to this place is because of all the shit that I've been through but all the work that I've been doing on myself for years especially over the last four years so I really want to encourage you to move into this same energy like you're not available for it and I do you know what I think I see a lot online which is a whole separate episode that I'm gonna have to talk about I see a lot online where

Starting point is 00:19:59 men will treat someone bad and can I just say I know it works both ways there are times where women are really shitty to men as well but I am not a man I'm talking from a woman's perspective right now there are times where men will treat women in a really shitty way but rather than have this energy of nope that's it done cut them, I'm not available for it. They make it mean that there's a problem with them and because there's a problem with them they need to prove themselves to this guy and I know this because this is exactly what I did for pretty much my entire life. If somebody didn't treat me the way that I deserved, I would make it mean that I wasn't good enough and then I would do everything I could to cling on to them,

Starting point is 00:20:51 to try and make, try and show them and try and prove to them that I was worthy of their love and affection and it didn't get me anywhere, it did not get me to the healthy relationship that I fucking deserve. So I really want to encourage you to adopt some of this energy and I hope that by listening to what I've just shared I hope that that encourages you and empowers you to the next time that you are put second or the next time that you are not treated the way that you deserve or the next time you are in a similar situation or any situation where where you haven't your where your value hasn't been recognized where you haven't been seen for how amazing you are any shitty situation I really hope that this encourages you to go fuck this I'm not available for it and move on and on that I do want to say if you are in that space where you perhaps like me previously don't have those strong boundaries find it hard to disconnect

Starting point is 00:21:47 fall into the trap of letting your emotions control you rather than your self-respect then I really want to encourage you to look at the confidence course because everything I've done to get myself to this point is in that course and a lot of it is general confidence stuff but there's also an entire module dedicated to boundaries and that's boundaries in all areas of your life and also raising your relationship standards so raising what you are raising your standards for what you are and are not available for and I think it's really important I don't think enough of us do this work of deciding this is acceptable, this is not acceptable. And when you have that self-awareness around it

Starting point is 00:22:36 and then you're in real life situations, you can choose to put that into practice. You can put that knowledge into practice. You can say, no, this is my standard, these are my boundaries not for me I'm done so I'd highly encourage you to check that out because there is so much in there it's a lifelong resource as well it's not just going to help you with dating and relationships or breakups it's going to help you with your whole life in general there are tools and techniques that I've used for 12 plus years that have really helped me transform my life and are now really supporting me in this dating era of my life go and check it out I think that's all I want to say on this situation who knows I mean he hasn't

Starting point is 00:23:17 replied to me yet if he replies to me who knows we shall see so I'll keep you updated I did think that this was going to be a lovely like pre-date thing um because one of the things as well I meant to say this earlier on in the episode but one of the things I was concerned about as well was we'd had so much chemistry over message I there was that like attraction there was that excitement part of me was really worried that we'd meet in real life and there'd be no chemistry or what if I didn't like him or what if there was just no vibe what if he was like what if he was a catfish and was just a complete creep that crossed my mind so I really thought that this episode was going to be slightly different and was going to be me sharing those things and talking about the excitement of meeting him but alas it is not and we're not going to cry about it I am a strong independent woman who knows

Starting point is 00:24:12 what she deserves and I'm not going to settle for bullshit like that I am not so if you want to contribute to the date with confidence podcast then you can do so via datewithconfidentpodcast.com slash contribute share with me your biggest ics share with me your shitty dating stories share with me times where you have walked away and if you are listening to this on spotify then please use the interactive poll or ask answer the question that is in spotify because i love that you get involved I love to hear your feedback I love I just love it when you get involved I really really want to grow this community for the podcast and to do that I need you to take part so thank you so much for listening

Starting point is 00:24:58 and I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - I Know What I Deserve Now and This Is NOT It

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