The Date with Confidence Podcast - If I Wanted To Date Again After A Toxic Relationship, This Is What I'd Do

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

EPISODE 06: If I Wanted to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship, This Is What I’d DoHealing is an ongoing process; it's not a quick fix or a magical transformation that happens overnight. It's a journey, a series of steps towards rediscovering your best self and finding the love you truly deserve. In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I’m sharing my personal journey of healing and growth after toxic relationships.Here are the key topics we cover:1. Recognising Toxic Relationships: I reflect on past toxic relationships and highlight how it's common not to realise the toxicity until after leaving them.2. Taking Time for Healing: We discuss the significance of taking ample time to heal after a toxic relationship, emphasising the ongoing nature of healing.3. Self-Compassion: I share why being kind and compassionate with yourself when triggers or old wounds (inevitably) resurface during the dating process is crucial.4. Seeking Healthy Relationship Examples: I reveal the exercise that’s helped me to believe in the possibility of a healthy relationship and how important it is to find examples of what you desire.5. Boosting Self-Confidence: We discuss how self-care, including practices like meditation, affirmations, and self-grooming, can help boost self-confidence and ease anxiety while dating.6. Dating at Your Own Pace: I examine my own dating life and share why it’s ok to take dating at your own pace, even taking breaks when needed, to avoid burnout and prioritise self-care.7. Seeking Professional Support: We remove the stigma around seeking support in the form of therapy, counselling, coaching, or healing sessions when you re-enter the dating world.8. Using Fear to Your Advantage: I uncover the surprising strategy I used to help me overcome my fears around dating and falling in love again.Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackAttract on the AppsThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseGet weekly-ish updates, exclusive offers and access behind the scenes gossip when you become a podcast insider.Visit The Date with Confidence website here.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And healing is an ongoing process. It's not something where you're like, right, I've got three months. These are the things I'm going to do. I'm going to heal, heal, heal, process, process, process, bang, that's it. I'm fixed. I'm done. I can move on. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups

where your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's

a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends okay i have had my fair share of toxic relationships and i think what i want to say on this as well is i didn't necessarily realise how toxic they were whilst I was in them, it was only when I was out of the relationship did I realise actually that was not a very healthy relationship, it was maybe a little bit damaging, it maybe wasn't as wonderful as I thought it was in my brain at that time and when I was able to reflect back on the relationships as a whole there were a lot of things that I pointed out that were actually quite toxic behaviours that had inadvertently led me to lose confidence in myself, lose a bit of who

I was before, that kind of turned me into a person that I didn't really want to be but I didn't know that I'd become whilst I was in that relationship and when you come out of a toxic relationship it can be feel it can feel really scary and daunting to start dating again now I left it a very long time after my last relationship ended before I started dating again part of that was to do with the pandemic because my relationship ended at the end of 2019 and then a few months later we went into lockdown so I didn't really date throughout 2020 I didn't have any desire to even I think even if the world was open I still don't think I would have dated whereas previously when I was younger after breakups I kind of wanted to like throw myself

back out there chat to some more guys hook up with some people kind of that whole get out like to get over your ex you have to get under someone else like that was very much my philosophy when I was younger but this time I think the extent of the heartbreak and the pain and the trauma of the relationship ending I think that was so deep I was just not ready to date for a really really long time so it took me a long time before I was like you know what I am ready to put myself out there and I think also I was 28 when the relationship ended and I'd spent like my 20s so from like 18 to 28 I had my first relationship when I was 17 so 17 I was in a relationship for a couple of years then I was like single for a year and a half but I had really bad anxiety so I didn't actually leave the house

other than to go to work so I didn't really see anyone then and I started dating again so I got into a relationship when I was 21 and then I would like see people on and off had a few situationships but never full-on relationships was quite happy being single went traveling on my own moved to Thailand by myself and whilst I was there I like met the guy that I then ended up with but was also like hooking up with other people seeing other people had a couple of like short-term relationships while I was there and then got into my like long term five-year relationship so throughout the whole of my 20s from like well 17 to like 28 apart from like an 18 month gap when as I said I was like too afraid to leave the house

most of that period was spent focusing on a guy. And even if I wasn't seeing someone specific, a lot of my time and energy was put into going out and meeting guys, like hooking up with guys, getting off with guys, like seeing different guys. There was always someone that I fancied, there's always someone that I wanted to go out with there was somebody that I wanted to date I went on lots of dates during this time my headspace throughout most of my 20s was about guys whether I was with them or not so when I became like when I ended the last relationship well the last relationship was ended and I then found myself single at 28 I was like you know I just want to want some time to me I really wanted a break and I wanted to have some time first of all to heal from the breakup to process the relationship ending to work through the trauma that had been not just from that

relationship but from past relationships the things I'd never dealt with from previous breakups I really wanted to spend some time on my own and even now I'm 32 now and I started dating again I think last year when I was like 31 but for me I was kind of like I spent like a decade focusing on boys even when I was at school I think about boys all the time I was like I just want some time on my own I feel like all that time was dedicated or my priority was them and making them them happy and doing what they wanted to do I was like this is my time now I want some time for me where everything is about me I do what I want to do I don't have to worry about compromising I don't have to worry about listening to what they want

to do to following them to worrying like factoring in their plans into my life I really wanted some time to just enjoy myself just be me and not me the girlfriend of the person because I think that's what happened a lot in my previous relationship. I felt like we'd like moved to a different country and I felt like a lot of the people that I met there, whether this was true or not, whether this was just my perception and my interpretation but I very much felt like I was the girlfriend of him rather than me my own person and I think that impacted a lot of the way that I showed up in friendships the way that I showed up when it came to meeting people the way that I was in groups of people because I never felt like my own person and I really wanted to spend some time refinding myself and getting back

to who I was without being attached to this person so if I wanted to start dating again after a toxic breakup breakup relationship this is what I'd do first of all focus on my own healing first this has been so important to me and I think after time where when I was younger when i had breakups and didn't fully process the breakup or the relationship and then i took that energy and that trauma into my other my other relationships my future relationships without having to actually without having actually dealt with them i think that impacted the relationships that I then went on to have so I think healing yourself first is so important and healing is an ongoing process

it's not something where you're like right I've got three months these are things I'm going to do I'm going to heal heal heal process process process bang that's it I'm fixed I'm done I can move on that never happens and I think what's really important is when you go through the breakup you have that healing process and then when you start dating again it's almost like you find new layers of things that need a little bit of work on that you need to kind of take care of yourself through that you need to process that trigger things that have come up from your past but you're never going to be able to heal those parts with you until you do get back out dating again likewise there's probably still some unresolved stuff that I will need to work on but I'm not going to be

able to do that until I am in a relationship with someone else because it won't be until I'm in that scenario of the relationship where new things will come up that can only come up until I'm in that scenario of the relationship where new things will come up that can only come up when I'm in that environment. So I think focusing on your healing is really, really important alongside you remembering that there is always more to come and that there will be stuff to touch on in the future. And I don't believe that we are ever on this journey of getting to the end of fixing ourselves. I don't think we need to be fixed ever. I think we just go through good times and bad times and experiences where they impact us, impact us more than others. I don't think we're broken. I don't think we need fixing I don't think there's this magical mountaintop that we ever get to because the more you evolve the more you learn about yourself and the more you

want to expand and grow to a new level but I think focusing on taking care of yourself healing yourself and processing what you've been through in the past is really, really important before you decide to throw yourself back into dating again. And that can be hard because sometimes when we are on our own after a breakup, and I don't know about you, but I massively lost confidence in myself when my relationship ended. I felt like my confidence went right to the bottom and I was used to having somebody tell me good things every day I was used to being told I was beautiful all the time I was used to being told I was hot I was funny like I love you I was used to having all those positive affirmations said to me so it was that external validation that I was getting all the time and then when the relationship ended and I had no one telling me like I am good enough I am pretty I am amazing

like I am funny I am somebody that people want to be around because I didn't have anyone telling me that I started to doubt that about myself so they're the kind of things that you have to connect back in with yourself and start saying to yourself before like as part of the healing process I feel like I've really I was going somewhere with that and then I don't know where I was going with it but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying when you are focusing on your own healing, the other thing that I think is important to remember is to be kind and compassionate with yourself. If something triggers you or old wounds come back up again. So when you do start dating or you start thinking about dating, even if you're just having a conversation with someone on an app and they say something that triggers you

that's okay you don't have to never be triggered by something again like it's okay to have something spark an emotion or a feeling or a fear or something negative within you and what that does it just brings it to the surface so you see that there's something else that can be healed so in those moments kind of get curious with why am I feeling this way and be kind to yourself when you recognize you're feeling that way don't suddenly go oh I'm supposed to have healed now like why have I not healed from this why is this still triggering me like I was still getting triggered after my last breakup like two years three years after it even happened and I was like why is this still bothering me it's been three years but I've been in love with a guy for seven so of course it was going to take a long time and it wasn't a relationship that had just fizzled out into nothing or had run its natural course

it was a shock it happened. I didn't expect it. So of course, I wasn't just gonna suddenly be over it within a few weeks. Another thing I do, I do this regularly, actually. So I had never really seen examples of healthy relationships in action. So my mum and dad divorced when I was like seven or eight. So that's what I was working with growing up. They divorced, they didn't get on after they divorced. That's the kind of role model relationship that I had to look up to when I was younger. My dad had other relationships afterwards. Some of those weren't perfect. And that's what I grew up around. So I never had a healthy relationship shown to me as I was getting older. So when I was in unhealthy relationships, I didn't necessarily recognise that they were unhealthy because I didn't know any better. I'd never experienced any better.

All I knew in those moments was I'm in love with this person and I'm terrified that they're going to leave me. So I'm going to do. And it wasn't until the last relationship was near the end. And I explained some feelings to one of my best friends and he was just like, this is not healthy. Like, that's not what a healthy relationship looks like. You shouldn't be feeling this way. You shouldn't be scared to voice your opinions you shouldn't be scared to speak up you shouldn't be living in this constant state of fear that he's gonna leave you which inevitably happened anyway so what was the point of me even worrying um but I didn't have a

healthy relationship to focus on so one of the things I have been doing for myself for the past however many years or yeah like a few years I think is really I found a relationship or I look at relationships that are healthy and are really good examples of relationships and I don't necessarily look at that one whole relationship as a whole but I take aspects from other people's relationships where I'm like that is a really healthy way of living together that's a really healthy way of partnering together that's a healthy way of raising children like I use my brother and his um his fiance his wife I use my brother and my sister-in-law as an example of a relationship that is healthy, that is an equal team, that is like a real partnership.

And I anchor into that and remind myself, well, if that's possible for them, then the relationship that I want, that I deserve is absolutely out there for me. And that has helped me to instead focus on my instead of focusing on my past relationships that weren't what I thought they were in the moment or weren't what I deserved or weren't healthy instead of focusing on those and thinking oh if I start dating someone again that's what I'm going to get I choose to look at healthier relationships and say well if if that's a possibility if that relationship exists for those people then of course it can exist for me and it's out there waiting for me and that's helped

me get into a really positive headspace of seeing dating as something fun seeing dating as something that's going to lead me to the right relationship as opposed to seeing something seeing dating as something fun, seeing dating as something that's going to lead me to the right relationship, as opposed to seeing something, seeing dating as something that's like terrifying or living in that fear again of like, oh, what if I end up back where I was a few years ago or 10 years ago, I have a long. And when it comes to like, practically dating, so I mean like actively being on the apps, actively putting in the effort chatting to people actively going out on dates I make sure that I like amp up my self-care not only because I want to look my best and feel my best but because the more I focus on taking care

of myself in terms of things like meditation doing my hair and makeup, having bubble baths, like journaling, repeating my affirmations, all the kind of things that boost my confidence and make me feel good about myself, not only does it make me feel my best, but it also eases feelings of anxiety. So if I feel anxious about the fact that I'm dating, or if I get in my head about the fact that oh I'm dating, like what's this person going to be like instead of that because I've amped up my self-care the anxiety feelings aren't there I'm just a lot more calmer a lot more relaxed a lot more connected to myself and when I'm really connected to myself I can very much stand in the power of I'm amazing I'm a great catch anyone

would be lucky to have me and know that there is someone out there for me. And there is someone out there who's going to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated. And that's a really nice energy to be in. But that comes from caring for myself first and loving myself as I am right now, as a single person as well, and not seeing it as a negative thing like oh you're single in your 30s like so fucking what like this is a great time to be single I also when I started dating again I also took things quite slowly I didn't rush to suddenly start going on loads and loads of dates. I didn't force myself to speak to like hundreds of people at once. I took my time. I just signed up with one dating app and I took my time with the conversations. I had a bit of chat back and forth and then I went on a couple

of dates and when I felt like this is a little bit too uncomfortable I pulled back I paused my profile and I took a break from dating and I think that's absolutely okay as well I'm a big believer in pushing yourself out of your comfort zone I think if something is scaring you or something feels uncomfortable you should absolutely do it because confidence comes from taking action and once you've done that thing you'll be able to look at yourself and go, oh my God, I am so proud of myself for doing the uncomfortable thing that you will naturally feel confident in yourself. I'm also, it's also really important to me that I don't get to 80 years old and look back on my life with regrets of why didn't I just do the thing that I was scared of? I want to be able to look

back on my life at 80 and be proud of everything that I've done. So I am a big believer in pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. But I am also a believer in the fact that it's okay to not be forcing yourself out of your comfort zone all the time. It's okay to spend some time in your comfort zone. And if that means taking a break from dating, that's absolutely fine as well. You have to protect yourself and take care of yourself first. So forget what your friends say about, oh, you just need to go on as many dates as possible and meet as many people. That's how you're going to find the one. Screw that. Like you date in your own time. You are always on time in life. Everything is happening to you as it should and sometimes breaks in dating just mean

that you can go away care for yourself do a bit more healing do a bit more processing and then you can come back to dating with like fresh energy again reconnected with yourself and ready to connect with someone else on an even deeper level because you're not almost like burnt out from dating. I also when it comes to dating again make sure that I continually and regularly tell myself that I am worthy and deserving of love and that the right person is out there waiting for me because this is something we all have to remind ourselves of especially if we've been dating for a long time and haven't necessarily met the one or anyone that we are really connected to we all deserve to be loved we all we are all worthy of love we are all worthy of an amazing relationship and not every person's relationship is going to look the same so what I want in my life is not going to be the same

necessarily as what you want in yours but we are worthy of what we desire and I think sometimes we can forget that or we can lose sight of that when we're caught up in the practicalities of dating or when we read things in the media or when comments are made to us about stuff we can forget how worthy we are and I have to remind myself that especially when it comes to past relationships of like when you think back to perhaps ways you were treated in the past that you weren't worthy of it's good to say to yourself no I do deserve to be loved I do deserve to be loved in the way that I want to be loved I deserve to be treated well I deserve to be treated in the way that I want to be treated I deserve an amazing relationship and when you

remind yourself of that of your worthiness you naturally feel more confident and you're more likely to put yourself out there a little bit more because you've given yourself that reminder of this is something that I deserve this is something that I get to have and I've spoke about before, I'm a big fan of therapy or counselling or coaching. I have had coaching for the last however many years on and off. I've been going to, I'm part of something called My Healing Membership. So every week we do things like EFT or breath work. There's group sessions and although I've not done counselling after the breakup these sessions have helped me in terms of releasing the energy and the

negative things that have come from my past relationships and they've allowed me to let go and to move on and I just think it's so important to have that external support especially if you've come from a toxic relationship there's a lot of things that you'll need to unlearn and a lot of stories that you'll need to rewrite that you've been told by someone else that aren't true and aren't and were never true and getting external help with that even getting external help in learning how to actually process things and how to unlearn things how to rewrite the past and how to also kind of talk about the fears that are coming up because there'll be new fears that are coming up when you're um dating again like speaking to someone professional and getting that external support can help you and that can help you like if you start dating and you go on a couple of dates

and then the fears come up and you're like no i, I don't want to do this. And you push it away rather than just taking a break. It could be that you take an extensive break and it's not because you're burnt out from dating or you just don't feel like dating at that point. It's because you're scared and because of past things that are now being brought into your present. And they're the, they're the types of things that coaches or therapists or healers or counsellors can really help you overcome so that you're not continuing to drag the past into the future because past in the past just leave it where it is it belongs there and then the last thing that I do is I really focus on what's more important to me. So one of the things that has always helped me when I've been stuck where I am or when I felt too comfortable is I kind of use fear to my

advantage. So back in the day when I was too afraid to leave the house, I lived in constant fear, like crippling anxiety, regular panic attacks. I lived in flight or fight mode. And then I nearly got fired from my job. And I realised at that point, like, I'm not actually living my life. I'm just existing. And what I did was use a different fear to push me past my fear so the fear I created for myself was the fear that I would get to 80 years old and I would look back on my life and realize that I'd done absolutely nothing with it and how would I feel if I was 18 not able to do all the things I could have done when I was younger and that fear like changed my life it pushed me forward it meant that I quit my job went traveling solo started my businesses did did a hell of a lot of things that I wanted to do

and I do the same when it comes to dating like dating is still scary for me sometimes sometimes I'm like very much like no this is great I'm gonna have so much fun I love to date I love to meet new people I'm very much like in it enjoying it and then there are more times where then there are times where I'm a bit more vulnerable and I'm like oh my god this is actually really scary but in those moments that's when I say to myself but what's more important is it more scary to face this fear in this moment of going and meeting someone for the first time? Or is it more scary to get to 80 years old and realise that I've never been with anyone else because I was too afraid to go on that first date? And that really works for me. Because I don't want to look back on my life with regrets.

So I use that. So I hope that this is helpful. I hope that this was helpful for you and I hope that it will encourage you. If you have been in a toxic relationship or any kind of relationship, really, and you're just ready to get back out there dating I hope that this has encouraged you to put yourself back out there know that someone better is absolutely waiting for you okay and I hope it's encouraged you to kind of take those baby steps and look this isn't uh what is it it's a marathon not a sprint is that the right word it's a marathon it's not a sprint you don't need to throw yourself into dating date 100 people and try and jump back into a relationship dating doesn't even need to lead to a relationship

what dating can just be you going out having fun and meeting some new people. That's all it has to be if you want it to be. You don't have to date just because you're desperate to get into a relationship or you want to get into a relationship. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship right now and this is dangerous because every time I say this I meet someone and then I end up in a relationship with them but I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship right now but I do definitely want to go out there and date like I am not fussed about meeting the one right now I'm happy to meet the next one and if they become the one great but I'm just seeing dating as having fun because that way as well I'm not putting pressure on it I'm gonna meet someone I'm gonna fall in love I'm gonna end up with someone who loves me just as much as I

love them and it's gonna be amazing but I'm not rushing it it will happen when it happens and I think that that's such a nice place to be in personally so I hope this has been helpful I get my spiel at the end don't forget to check the show notes for helpful resources on breakups dating dating yourself being confident all the things just check the show notes there's stuff in there that's really really beneficial for you and i will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.