The Date with Confidence Podcast - If I Wanted to Fall in Love, This is What I'd Do

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

EPISODE 51: If I Wanted to Fall in Love, This is What I'd DoThis video was shared on my YouTube channel in February and I thought it'd be something you'd benefit from listening to too so here ya go....After 4 years of being single, I'm ready to fall in love again. In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I talk about my commitment to intentional dating with the goal of finding a meaningful relationship and I reveal the key steps I'm taking, the challenges I'm facing and the transformative lessons I'm learning on the path to love.Here's a glimpse at what we cover: 1. Falling in Love with Yourself: The foundational step in any relationship journey is cultivating self-love. Learn why loving and accepting yourself is crucial before seeking love from others.2. Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone: Uncover the importance of putting yourself out there, even when it feels uncomfortable or daunting. Gain insights into building confidence and navigating the world of dating apps.3. Building Trust in the Process: Explore the significance of trusting that your dream relationship is not only possible but also on its way. Discover practical tips for shifting your mindset and creating a positive, magnetic energy.4. Setting Standards and Boundaries: Understand the power of writing a wish list and defining your standards and expectations. Learn how these lists act as guiding principles, helping you avoid settling for less than you deserve.5. Manifestation Practices: Delve into two powerful manifestation practices and understand how these practices align your energy with your desired relationship, making you more open to love.Join me in this honest and empowering discussion about self-discovery, growth and the pursuit of a love that aligns with your highest self. If you're on a similar journey or seeking guidance in your relationship pursuits, this is for you!Episodes Mentioned:How to Manifest 'The One'Your Dream Relationship Exists: Here's How to Believe In It Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe 9 Red Flags You Need to Stop Ignoring ImmediatelyThe Dating DebriefAttract on the AppsThe Breakup Bounce BackThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If nobody has told you this before, you are worthy and deserving of the loving, healthy relationship you desire. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each

episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends so whether you have come out of a bad breakup whether you've been single for a while or you are just looking to find the one i thought i'd share some of the things that i would do personally if I was doing the same. Well I'm kind of doing the same. I've been single for four years and when I decided that I wanted to date with intention again and by dating with intention I mean I don't just want a day around like I'm looking for a partner, looking for a relationship, I'm looking to build something meaningful,

I'm at that point in my life where I'm feeling like I'm ready for that. So when I decided to date intentionally so that I could perhaps fall in love, these are some of the things that I have done myself as part of my dating journey and I thought they would be helpful for me to share with you. So if I wanted to fall in love these are some of the things that I would do and have been doing. So the first one, the most important thing I think when it comes to dating, when it comes to looking for a relationship, even when you're in a relationship I think this is one of the most important things and that is falling in love with yourself. That is loving and appreciating and respecting yourself above all else. Because it is very hard for somebody else to love you if you can't love and accept yourself. If you don't love

yourself and feel deserving and worthy of love love then you won't be able to receive what other people are trying to give you the love that other people are trying to give you and consciously subconsciously you will end up rejecting their love maybe even without realizing it or you could find yourself in a situation where you're in a relationship with someone where they're trying to do anything and everything for you and instead of you accepting that they love you for who you are or instead of you accepting that they want to treat you in this magical way you could do what I do this is so funny I'm talking about this because I feel like this is my life at the moment that you may find yourself self-sabotaging or instead of being able to accept their

love, their kindness, the things that they're doing for you, you might subconsciously start to find faults or try and find things wrong with them and that's not because there's anything wrong with them, it's because you don't believe that you deserve to be loved or you don't feel lovable enough or the way that somebody has treated you in the past has meant that you're not used to being treated well so a nice guy might come along and instead of accepting that actually this is the way you always deserve to be treated you may start to repel them and I'm laughing because this is the way you always deserve to be treated, you may start to repel them. And I'm laughing because this is, as I said, this is very much my life, something that I am in the thick of at the moment. But what's helping me get through these, this new experience of being treated really

well is the fact that I love and appreciate and accept myself for who I am and that has taken a hell of a lot of work that has taken years of work on myself to come to this point where I can love and accept myself all parts of myself including my perceived flaws including the changes that has happened to my body and who I am as I've got older I'm not the same I don't look the same as I did in my 20s that's fine but it's taken a lot of work to get me to this point and I genuinely feel like because I'm at this point where yes I want I'm always striving for improvement there's nothing wrong with that but I'm also comfortable and confident in who I am right now knowing that there's always room for growth so the first thing you need to do above anything else

whether you are actively looking for love or even if you're in a relationship and you want to deepen that relationship work on falling in love with yourself work on building up that self-love practice and if you need help with that then I will link the video that I did about what does self-love mean and how to create more of it because that will be really beneficial to you. Another thing you need to do when it comes to looking for love is actually put yourself out there which is uncomfortable. It can feel really scary, it can feel really daunting especially if you've been single for a long time or if the last time you dated dating apps weren't around when I started dating again I had never

been on dating apps because I'd met my previous partner like 10 years prior and it was just about when tinder I think was coming out so I didn't i didn't use dating apps i didn't need to use dating apps so then when i went through my breakup and then spent some time being single and then i went into the world of dating apps it felt uncomfortable it felt scary but if you want to fall in love with someone if you want to have a relationship with someone you have to do the things that are uncomfortable and that do feel if you want to have a relationship with someone, you have to do the things that are uncomfortable and that do feel scary, you have to put yourself out there. To feel more confident doing the things that scare you and doing the uncomfortable things, then you can

check out the confidence course below because that is my self-paced six module course that is packed full of practical strategies and tools and techniques that have helped me over the past 13 years create an unwavering solid foundation of confidence and although you'll still feel nervous or you might still feel anxious about putting yourself out there the more you increase your confidence the easier it will be to leave your comfort zone you will never get what you want or what you deserve in life if you are not willing to put yourself in the uncomfortable situations and I know it's scary but what I do for myself whenever I'm in these moments where I feel really overwhelmed or I am stuck in fear and I don't want to do the scary thing, the thing, the question that I ask is, what am I more afraid of? Doing this uncomfortable

thing like joining a dating app, going on a first date, messaging someone new, or is it more scary the thought of getting to 80 years old and never having lived the life that I wanted to, never having had this deeper meaningful relationship that I dream of because fear got in my way to me getting to 80 years old and not having done the things that I want wanted to do because of fear that's more scary I don't want to look back on my life at 80 and regret all the things that I could have done. I would much rather put myself in that temporary, uncomfortable situation, face my fears now whilst I'm younger, than look back on my life with regret. Another thing that I think is really important and something that I've had to really work on doing

is trusting that it's going to happen. So I've had to build the belief that my dream relationship exists and I've had to trust that it's going to happen for me. Now I recorded a podcast episode over on the Date With Confidence podcast that is all about how to believe that your dream relationship exists. So I will leave that in the description for you so that you can go and listen to that. But once you believe that you can have the relationship that you want, you have to build that trust and you have to talk yourself into trusting that it's going to happen. What you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality. You have to, instead of saying my person isn't out there or all men are trash or dating apps don't work or the dating scene is bullshit it's so hard you have to trust that the right person is going to come into your life at

the right time and that can be really really hard to do especially if you are in a space of I want my dream relationship now but things in our lives always happen at the right time for us they don't necessarily happen on our lives always happen at the right time for us. They don't necessarily happen on our timeline. They happen when they are supposed to happen. So even if it feels like it's not happening, even if it feels like you're never going to find the one, create a mantra for yourself to help you build that trust that it's going to go, that it's going to happen. You could use a simple affirmation like, I trust my dream relationship is out there. I trust my dream person is on their way to me. It can be as simple as that, but repeat that to yourself over and over again every single

day so that you're in that energy of, I get to have what I desire. I get to have what I deserve. My dream relationship is coming to me. That's a much more positive, abundant abundant happy space to be in that's a much better energy to be in on a daily basis as opposed to the energy of I'm never going to find them I'm so lonely why do I not get my dream relationship it's a very heavy energy to be wandering around in it's much better to put yourself in this state of abundance and positivity around your dream relationship coming to you not only that when you're in a much more happy positive state you're more magnetic to

people and when you walk around the world with that magnetic energy you're more open your energy is more open so you're also more likely to then encounter moments or have encounters with people, with strangers in say coffee shops or in bars or someone might come up to you on a train just because they can feel that positive energy from you and that could spark a conversation with, guess what, the dream person that you're trying to manifest into your life, it's just what I believe anyway. Then there are some practical things that you can do. So be open to it, but also get really clear on your standards. Get really clear on what you are looking for. Get clear on what you absolutely don't want. Get clear on what you do want and who you want to

manifest into your life and create some boundaries for yourself around dating. If you start a conversation with someone and the conversation is just not flowing, they're not putting the effort in, it's like, how was your day? What are you doing? They're not the type of conversation starters that come from somebody who is also actively looking for a long-term relationship they are basic boring surface level I'm actually just swiping a load of other people conversation starters like messaging saying how are you like how's your day you're not putting in any effort to get to know me you're not interested in potentially building a connection or building a relationship that is a basic question when things

like that happen stand strong in your boundaries that you've set for yourself and go okay I know that this is what I'm looking for these are my standards I've got this message that is not my person move on one of my favorite practical exercises that I think is really important to do when it comes to looking for love when it comes to dating even when it comes to improving your current relationship is writing a wish list so in the confidence, in the raise your relationship standards lesson in module six, we talk about the difference between standards and expectations. And I encourage the clients within that course to write two different lists. So they write a standards list and an expectations list. And I detail what's on my standards list and what's on my expectations list. So standards would

be my deal breakers, they are the things that I expect the person that I'm going to fall in love with to have, they are my non-negotiables and anyone that does not fit that criteria when it comes to dating, whether it's matching with them online or whether it's going on those dates, if they don't fit that criteria, then I can be, I can remind myself of my standards list and I can let that person go. And this can be a difficult thing to do if you are really eager to meet the one right now. For me, I am more detached from needing to meet my person immediately. I am very much in that energy of trust. I believe that they will come along at the right time. I believe that who I'm supposed to be with will appear when they

are supposed to appear. So I'm not in that energy of I really need to be in a relationship. I've never been somebody that has to be in a relationship or wants to be in a relationship constantly. I am very content on my own and for me to be in a relationship with someone they have to add value to my life I my life is already amazing as it is I love my business I love my family I love my friends I love the life that I'm living I am not willing to let somebody come into my life who is not going to add value to that. And this comes from me doing the standards work, the expectations work, the falling in love with myself work. This is the work that I've been doing for the past two, three, four years since my last breakup. And I think it's really important to try to put yourself in that same energy because when

you're in the energy of I want my person now that's when we can find ourselves settling that's when we can find ourselves ignoring the red flags settling for behavior that is not what we deserve making excuses for people allowing ourselves to be treated in a way that our highest most confident self won't allow but because we so desperately want that relationship we will accept the bare minimum and we will accept behavior that is just not for us so writing your standards and your expectation list before you start dating or as you're actively dating is a really important thing for you to do so that you can be reminded of that that when someone comes along and they don't fit those standards you you can let them go with love. If they don't fit your

standards, they are not your person. No matter how good the chemistry is, no matter how good the connection feels, no matter how good you get on with them, no matter how amazing the dates were, if they do not fit your standards list, they are not your person because you are very specifically looking for a certain type of person and if they don't tick those boxes however much you feel like they could be the one there will come a point in the future where you will realize they are not fitting those standards and you will realize they are not your person and by that point you could be married you could have kids it could be I don't know it could could, you just don't

want to get there, like do the standards and expectations work first, do the standards work as you are dating, if you're actively dating now, do it now, write that list of deal breakers, these are your non-negotiables that you want in a partner and some of the things that I include in mine are team player, I am not interested in dating someone or being with someone who is not on my team I want somebody who is 100% my teammate in life because at some point if we decide to have kids I want to know that they can be an equal parent just as much as I am I don't want to be with someone that I am going to have to look after, that I am going to have to mother, that I'm going to have to support constantly. Yes, I want to look after my partner

because I want to show them love, I want to show them affection, I want to be there to support them 100% but I want to support them from a place of desiring to support them not because they need support because they can't look after themselves and then I the expectations list are they nice to have things these are things that I would like my partner to have but if they don't perhaps have all these things and they've got the standards and the chemistry's there and the connections there the expectations are it's not the end of the world, it's fine, we can let some of those go. These things are really important to do and as I said we go deep into this in the Raise Your Relationship Standards lesson within the Confidence course which you can find out more about in the description. When it comes to falling

in love there are also two manifestation practices that I use and I've talked about this really in depth in the how to manifest the one podcast episode that I did on the date with confidence podcast so again I'll share the link to that in the description because I would highly encourage you to go and listen to that that's all the the mindset the practical and the energetic practices I am actively doing as I date to help me manifest the man of my dreams. You can use it for the woman of your dreams, person of your dreams, man of your dreams, whatever of your dreams. It is not just focused on finding a man. One of these manifestation practices that I do is I like to write a letter to my future husband. Now I did this about six months ago I think it was, six or seven months ago. I was having a self-care evening

so I'd soaked in the bath for an hour, had my candles on, my music was playing and I just got this desire to write this letter. It came from nowhere. I wasn't thinking about a partner. I wasn't thinking about manifesting love, but I just got this intuitive nudge to write a letter to my future husband. And I really enjoyed doing this exercise. I set a timer for 10 minutes. I opened up my journal and I just let the words flow out of me. Instead of writing it like, you will be like this. You look after me like this. You behave like this. I write it in the present tense.

So I am so grateful for the way that you treat me. I love that you make me laugh every day. The chemistry we have between us is amazing. I find you so attractive. I love how you support me and you listen to me and you support my goals and you celebrate my wins. Anything that came out of me that it was as if I was talking to my husband in that moment as I wrote that letter. And regardless of whether this is a practice that actively works to manifest, I don't know your thoughts on manifestation. I believe it. I like

doing these these woo woo practices because it makes me feel good. And that is the ultimate goal with any kind of manifestation work with any type of these practices. The key thing is if it makes you feel good, it's not doing any harm. So what is the harm in writing a letter to your future husband maybe it will manifest the one maybe it won't but again something really interesting that happened after I wrote this letter I started dating this guy and I was pretty into him it was the first time since my breakup that I had found myself attracted to another man which was was a big concern of mine. I was a little bit worried that I was never going to find anyone attractive again. But lo and behold, this guy came along, I found him attractive. I felt like we had this really good connection. I felt like there was

chemistry. And part of me was like, oh my god, I found the one. And then I read my dear future husband letter. And I realised that based on the letter that I'd written to my future husband having done my standards work having got really clear on the type of person that I'm looking for I realised when I read that letter that he was probably not going to be the one and a couple of weeks later he showed me that I was in fact correct he was not going to be my future husband when you have this letter, you don't have to go back and read it. But what you can do to enhance this practice is go back and read your letter and tap into those feelings that you experienced as you were writing that letter. It's going to make you feel good. It's going to help you to open up your energy to allow that person into your life, to allow

the opportunity of new love into your life. And the last thing that I would do if I wanted to fall in love is to create a vision board. I have a general vision board that covers my business goals, my financial goals, my health and wellness goals, my love and relationship goals my family and friendship goals I have a general vision board and if you're looking for five powerful ways to create a vision board I will link to that video in the description but you could also create a love specific vision board where you put things like the engagement ring that you want or you put things like photos of happy couples loved up holding hands traveling together sitting on a sofa together anything focused around the kind of love that you are trying to manifest into your life as i said i've got a whole section on my

vision board that is dedicated to love and relationships but I'm also thinking of creating a love specific board as well particularly as this is an area that I am more focused on at the moment love and relationships is something that I am more open to at the moment I am ready for it so create yourself a vision board and have it somewhere that you can see every single day set it as your phone background create a printable one and put it on your wall create a vision book that you can flick through every day because when you have that clear vision in your mind when you see the type of love that you want to manifest it's also going to be easier for you to ditch the people who do not fit your vision you will date multiple people there will be people that come along that at first glance seem like they could be the one

and then they will show their red flags and when you've got that vision in front of you you can clearly see those red flags and instead of avoiding them or choosing to ignore them you can move on so I hope that the things that I do when I'm looking for love has inspired you I hope that you found this helpful I hope that it has helped you to think about ways that you can open yourself up to finding love and the relationship that you deserve and I just want to say if nobody has told you this before you are worthy and deserving of the loving healthy relationship you desire you are lovable you are enough as you are and you deserve to have that dream partner in your life or dream partners if you'd like multiple if this is something you'd like to work on in more depth

if you want to increase your confidence so that dating becomes easier so that dating becomes more fun so that you can raise those relationship standards and ensure that you never settle for less than you deserve again then do check out the confidence course because whilst the course itself is very much focused on increasing your confidence in general, it's about building a solid confidence foundation so that you can get everything you deserve in your life, a promotion, a pay rise, the body that you'd want, the lifestyle that you want. It's also going to help you with your relationships, whether you're single relationships whether you're single whether you're actively dating or whether you're in a relationship already the more confident you are the higher those

standards are going to be the less likely you are to settle for anything less than you deserve again the better relationship you're going to have but you have to build that confidence in yourself you have to get yourself to the point where you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy and deserving of an incredible relationship and that relationship is available to you. When you build that confidence in yourself, you will no longer settle for bullshit. You will no longer settle for the red flags just to have somebody with you elevate those standards keep those boundaries in place and manifest that dream relationship you deserve it you can check out the confidence course let me know if this was helpful and i'll see you in the next one thanks

so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast i hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends. you