The Date with Confidence Podcast - Important Things I Tell Myself After A Disastrous First Date

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

If you’ve ever left a first date feeling deflated, disappointed, or questioning if you’ll ever meet someone, this is for you. I dive into the exact things I tell myself after a disastrous first date: the reminders, re-frames, and confidence resets that stop me from spiralling into “I’m unlovable” territory. Dating is full of highs and lows, and one bad date doesn’t define your worth. In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I share how I shift my mindset, process the frustration, and move forward with confidence (or take a break when I need to). Plus, I give some practical steps to help you reset and get back into a healthy dating headspace.Whether your last date left you feeling flat, frustrated, or ready to delete the apps altogether, this episode will help you bounce back stronger.Tune in now to hear:1. How I feel after a bad first date2. What actually counts as a “bad” first date3. Don't take a bad first date personally (you're not unlovable)4. How to stop a bad date from making you spiral5. Can this bad date teach me anything?6. A bad date is just a bad date7. Practical confidence resets after a disappointing date8. Why it’s okay to take a break from dating9. Happy Hour: I know I said I wouldn't try this but...10. My dating update: Am I finally back on the apps?! 11. Your dating dilemma: “I went on a bad first date and now he’s asked me for a second - I feel guilty saying no, what should I do?”🎥 Watch the episode on YouTubeMentioned:Important Things I Tell Myself Before A First DateThe ‘Near-Perfect’ Date That Became An Hilarious NightmareHe Asked Me To Send Photos And Lied About His AgeThis Is The Energy You Need To Take With You On A First DateGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  Support The Date with Confidence PodcastIf you'd like to show your support for the podcast, you can do so in these ways:1) Share the podcast with your friends2) Leave me a review on iTunes stating what you love most about the podcast so more people can find it3) Buy me a coffee to express your gratitude for the episodes if you found them helpful, inspiring or entertainingVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Follow your host Rebecca Hawkes on Instagram. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you've been on a bad first day and it has left you feeling a certain way, disappointment, frustration, rejected, like, you're not good enough, then this is the episode for you. Welcome to The Date with Confidence Podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF of, your next date alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends.

The other day I was going through my past episodes because I'm updating the website, I'm making it more SEO friendly, I'm improving the episodes page, whatever, and I remembered one of the very first episodes that I recorded, I think it's episode seven or eight, I recorded an episode on the important things I tell myself before a first day. So this is when I'm getting ready for a first day, this is what I'm telling myself as I'm doing my makeup, as I'm doing my hair, as I'm getting dressed as I'm choosing my outfit and then I said wouldn't it be fun to actually do an episode on the important things I tell myself after a date but specifically after a disastrous first day so if you've been on a bad first day and it has left you feeling a certain way

whether that's disappointment or frustration or rejected or feeling like you're not good enough maybe, then this is the episode for you. We are going to talk about the things that you can be telling yourself when you've had that first bad date. And when I think about the bad first dates that I've been on, I've been lucky enough to touch word not be in a position where my bad dates have been horrendous in they've been uncomfortable or dangerous or the bloke's been a complete prick. the bad first dates that I've been on have just been when they haven't made an effort when they've pitched their nose through dinner

when the conversation just hasn't flowed as well as it could have done when they've lied about something specifically their age we've got episodes on that and I'll make sure that they are linked for you as well but after each of these dates on my way home I have very much felt deflated and I'm not going to lie, a little bit frustrated sometimes.

When I've put in a lot of time and energy and effort to go on a day and it hasn't been how I expected it to go, I do feel a bit deflated. I do feel a bit disappointed. And, like, we have to deal with that, right? Like, that's what dating is. You never know what it's going to be like until you turn up and you get on that first date. And we can't expect every single first date to be the most amazing date we've ever been on

because obviously then dating wouldn't even exist. We'd just go on that first date, meet that person, be like, oh my God, you're amazing, and settle down with them. Dating has its good moments. It has its bad moments. It has its fun moments. And it has its downright, horrendous moments. And we just have to take the good with the bad.

But what I think is important is when you have had a bad first date, you don't let it impact your future dates. Yes, there may be times or moments where you think, do you know what, actually, this was so bad, I just need a minute. Especially if you've had a string of bad first dates, it's okay to then be like, do you know what, I'm just going to take a step back. I'm not going to date for a bit and give yourself a bit of a break. I've often done that.

Like, I've been dating on and off since, what, 20, 23? I've been dating, no, how long have I been dating for? No, since 2022, I think. Since the summer of 2022, I've been, like, dating on and off. And I will very often be, like, all or nothing. So I'll either be really into dating. I'll be on hinge all the time and I'll say all the time. Like I'll check it like fairly regularly.

I'll be on hinge. I'll be actively like dating people. I'll go through a phase where I have like three or four or maybe five first dates within a really short space of time. And then I'll be like, okay, do you know what? I just need a break. Or I just won't open the app. Or I'll just, yeah, take a step back.

And if I'm dating someone more than once, I do prefer to just date that one person or I have maybe preferred to just date that one person. or I have maybe preferred to just date that one person. So then obviously I'm dating them until I then end things and then take a break. So it's okay for you to step back. But anyways, let's get into the core things that I really want to share with you about the important things that I tell myself after a disastrous first date. And before we do that, I just want to talk about what really counts as a bad first date.

Now, this is going to be different for every single person. some people might see them turning up in an outfit they don't like as instantly being a bad date that's not where I draw the line to me a bad first day is where I walk away with that disappointed feeling or where I feel deflated and I have that moment where I'm like oh my god am I ever going to actually meet someone so even dates where I've been on a date where there hasn't been a connection I haven't fancied them it's the conversation hasn't flowed so well, I wouldn't even necessarily consider that a bad first date because I just see that as dating in general, like you never know what you're going to get until you turn

up. But a date where it is specifically left me feeling disappointed or deflated to me is a bad date. Then that could be for a number of different reasons. So it's really up to you what you class as a bad date. And I think the most important thing is to remember is to not to take it personally and not to see a bad first date as a reflection of how valuable you are, of how worthy you are, or see it as something that means you're never going to meet the person. So don't see that bad date or even a collection of bad dates as proof that you're going to be single forever. I think it's really important to maintain that mindset that your person is still out there, try and get into that attitude of enjoying dating it's a fun thing you get to meet new people you get to go

for new experiences go to new places see it as that positive let's just see what's happening kind of thing and i've talked about this in another episode i feel like i've talked about it recently with you so if i can remember where i've talked about it i will link that for you so i suppose the main things that i say to myself after a bad first day are things like this doesn't mean i'm unlovable this just means we weren't a match. It can be very easy. I feel like especially as women who have been through

bad experiences with men in the past when you've had a bad relationship or when you were blindsided in a relationship or blindsided by a breakup perhaps, it can be really easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you are the problem that nobody wants you, that you are not good enough.

It's a trap that I've repeatedly had to pull myself out of. And there are even moments now where I still have to remind myself of the fact that I am lovable, I am good enough, I do deserve the relationship that I desire. And when you've had a bad day, it can really trigger those feelings and make you spiral. So it's really important to stop those thoughts in their tracks and say,

I'm not unlovable, we're just not a match. It is absolutely fine. Repeating to yourself that a bad date doesn't mean you're never going to find anyone. A bad date doesn't mean that every other date you go on is going to be horrendous as well. And just because you've had one, two, five bad first dates doesn't mean that every single date you go on is going to be a bad first date. Another way I like to shift my perspective is by thinking about what that date has taught me rather than seeing it as a complete disaster. So yes, even if it's bad, even if it feels like a disaster, I like to look at it from a curious lens and say, okay, what can I learn here? Is there a reason that it was bad? Is there anything that I could have done personally to make it less of a bad

date? Is it because maybe my guard was up when I went in? Is it because I expected it to be bad because the last three dates I've been on is bad? Is it because I was immediately judgmental on what they were wearing and straight away felt like, okay, I'm not interested? Is there anything that I could have done to improve that first date? And sometimes there's going to be like literally nothing that you could have done. Sometimes it is just a case of it was a bad date. That's like it is what it is. We just have to accept it. But I like to go back over things and look at things from that curious perspective and try and find the lesson in that day, in the badness of the date, if you like. I also like to tell myself that, and this very much is linked to what I say

to myself after I've been rejected, every bad date is leading to a good first date. This is from the perspective of the more you date, the more likely you are to go on bad dates, therefore the more likely you are to go on good dates. So in terms of that whole idea of dating being a numbers game, the more dates you go on, of course your probability is higher that you will have more bad dates. But that also means the probability of good dates is higher too. So one bad date is leading me closer to another good date. And that's what I tell myself when it comes to rejection so every no is one step closer to a yes or in terms of dating every rejection is one set closer to a dream relationship right so really not closing myself off and

falling into that trap of thinking that the bad date means I'm never going to meet anyone a bad date is just a bad date that's literally all it is a bad date it is a funny story that you tell your friends, it is a moment that you look back on and go, oh my fucking God, how did I get through that day? It is just a story at the end of the day. We have good stories, we have bad stories. And obviously I'm not talking about horrendous states where someone's being drugged or whatever. Like, we're not, we're not talking about that being a disastrous first state. We're very much talking this in a more lighthearted. It's a bad date because he was rude to the waiter or he turned up in shorts that you didn't like. I promise one day I'll stop going on about shorts, maybe. So as

alongside the things that you tell yourself after a bad first date, I think there are some practical things that you can really do to almost reset yourself ready for the next first day you go on. And one of these things is not keeping it all to yourself. So I think speaking to a friend about it, getting it off your chest, maybe journaling, maybe even voice noting yourself just so that you can get it out and almost like processing it, analyzing it. And there'll be some first dates that you go on that are bad and you don't need to process it or you don't need to obsess over it. But there will be other first dates where you're like, oh my God, I just need to get this off my chest because it's got me feeling a certain way. Another thing you can do is obviously going back to your

standards because this is something we like to do all the time, reminding yourself of those standards, reminding yourself of the fact that this bad date didn't fit into those standards so that you don't think, oh, that's so disappointing, that's such a shame. Look at it from that logical, critical, analytical type viewpoint of, well, these are my standards, this was the bad date, they didn't align anyway, I don't need to stress myself out about this, or I don't need to pay any more attention to this, or obsess about it in my mind anymore, because we were never going to be a match anyway. And then, obviously, do something nice for yourself. If the bad first date has left you feeling a type of way about yourself where it's got you questioning your

confidence, where it's got you questioning dating, whether it's quite you questioning whether you're lovable or not, whether it's just left you feeling so deflated that you want to delete all the apps and forget the idea of dating ever again and just be single for the rest of your life. If it's got you in that mindset, then doing some kind of self-care ritual. mindset reset confidence ritual anything to get you back to feeling your absolute best so you don't let that bad day impact your future first days because as we talked about last time you don't want to enter you don't want to go into your next first date thinking well the last one was so bad so this one's going to be shit too you don't want to go into that in if anything you kind of want to go into it

with the opposite thing like last day the last first date was so bad there's no way it can be as bad as that one so whatever happens this date's going to be good and if you need to take a break after the bad first date take a fucking break nobody says that you have to keep going and keep going and keep going the most important thing in dating is that you look after yourself you prioritize yourself you take care of your mental health because yes it can be fucking draining we all know this if you've been dating for a while you know it can be draining you know it can be frustrating it is okay to prioritise yourself and your needs and take a step back. Instead of thinking, oh, I have to go to the next one.

I have to date someone else to get rid of this bad date experience. You do whatever feels right for you, and only you can make that decision. Only you can know that. So take that break. The most important thing to remember is that one bad date doesn't mean anything about you. It is just part of the dating process. And confident daters don't avoid bad dates. They just know that they don't define them.

A bad date doesn't define you, doesn't define your worth. Change the things that you are telling yourself after that bad date so that you can feel more confident and more positive about dating in the future. Okay, now we are moving on to Happy Hour. I know last week I said that I probably wasn't going to try the new flavour of the Kenko iced hot coffee because I like the vanilla one. I like the salted caramel one. But the creamy latte, I was like, I don't think it's for me.

not really a milk person, probably not going to enjoy it. But then my nan bought it by mistake. She normally buys me the vanilla one and she picked up the new one by mistake. And I was like, do you know what? We've got it. I'm going to try it. And I've got ones I show left. Like it's literally all I've been drinking this week is the green one. I like it. I think it's good. I've had it hot all week. And today I've got an iced one, which was a lot frothier a minute ago.

But then I put the ice in and bought it upstairs. So, cheers. It's nice. It tastes really like rich. It's got a stronger coffee flavor. I feel like the vanilla ones and the sorted caramel ones and more that kind of sweet flavor. They're not as coffee strong if you like, whereas this tastes more coffee like. It's richer. It's thicker. I'm a massive fan. This is the only coffee that I drink now. I'm obsessed. I love the fact that you can have the model cold and do we need to keep talking about it. Probably not. And I do have a dating update for you. I am officially back on the app. Yay! I updated my profile this morning. I had my hair cut yesterday, which you can see if you are watching this on YouTube or Spotify. I had my hair cut and, well, where am I recording this? I'm recording this on Thursday, so I had my hair cut on Wednesday.

And then I did my makeup this morning ready for the pod and I was like, you know what, I'm going to take a nice little photo of myself, feeling myself a bit, like the way that my hair looks, got a nice new photo, put it on my profile. it on my profile, updated a couple of other pictures and I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to unpause my profile, put it out there, we'll see what happens. I feel like I had been obsessing so much over the last few weeks. I mean, I say obsessing for a good chunk of the last two months I hadn't even thought about my dating profile. But then every time I wanted to unpause it, I'd look at the profile and be like, I don't like it. I'm just not happy with it. I'm not happy

with the photos which I know I just I don't know I think I'm just going through something at the moment where I just like I'll be honest it's coming up to the anniversary of that big breakup from my last long-term boyfriend and I think it's affecting me I was saying the other day like I don't know why it's affecting me so much but I've had a lot of dreams recently I've had a lot of thoughts about him and his family recently and to be honest it's pissing me the fuck off like I'm so annoyed about it I don't want to be thinking about him and I said to my mum the other day I was like I just keep dreaming about him and I can't work out what the reasoning is I can't work out what the lesson is or what the dreams are trying to tell me or any of that shit my mom's like oh but it's like coming

up to the anniversary of the breakup and I was like oh yeah I hadn't thought about that so that's been on my mind a lot recently and I think thinking about that so much has also in part it's made me like I just don't have the energy to think about dating someone else and in the other respect it's like I'm so sick of thinking about that relationship like I want something new I want something fresh I very much am ready to have a relationship again I desire a relationship again so in order to make that happen I obviously need to get back on the apps and now I've done it I've unhulsed my profile we're just going to see what happens I just need to get back into the habit of dating I feel like September is always a time where I like to date like when I was thinking about last actually no not last

year because last year granddad was dying so I didn't date the end of last year but the year September or October it was very much like a dating period for me where I was going on lots of first dates I was meeting a lot of people I really enjoyed it and then I started dating someone for a few months and then took a break and then last year I didn't date because Granddad was starting so yeah I've unpaulsed my profile we are back to getting matches I'm going to make the effort to go on a date I might also download Thursday you know the app Thursday I was on it before and I was like do you know what I think it's just a bit of a like hooky upy app but I never actually matched with

anyone and now I'm like I think the spontaneous unplanned okay let's go on a date today kind of thing is what I'd quite like at the moment because I don't want to think about it too much I just want to wake up and be like yeah okay sweet let's go on a date tonight and I think that's what Thursday's for so I am considering trying that I could do that today today's Thursday are we going to do it today now we're not going to do it today but maybe for next week we'll see so yeah that is me that's my dating life at the moment i am awaiting lovely matches maybe we'll see we will see what happens and finally on to part three of this episode which is your dating dilemma and don't forget you can send me your dating dilemmas via date with confidencepodcast

dot com slash contribute you can send me a voice note which i would love for you to do for next week's episode so send me in your voice note or you can fill out the form there if you don't want to share your voice you can share anonymously you don't have to leave your name if you don't want to but come and get involved so this week's letter in my ears i went on a first date that was really bad awkward no spark i just wasn't feeling it but now he's texting me asking for a second date and I feel guilty saying no what do I do I mean honestly if it was me I would have already said to him thanks for a good day I don't think we're compatible I'm not going to see you again that is what I would do so if I've been on a first date with anyone maybe not when I was first

dating but now like over the last couple of years if I've been on a first date with someone I will text them and say thanks for a lovely date I didn't feel like there was a spark I wish you all the best in the future kind of thing obviously not those exact words but something along those lines so that immediately they know where they stand and you haven't then got a worry about what like are they going to ask me on a second date kind of thing so I would have already actually done that but obviously you haven't done that which is fine they're asking you on a second date and you feel guilty saying no you shouldn't be feeling guilty because you weren't into someone it's okay for you to say no this is what dating is people that are dating expect to hear a no or at least should expect to hear a no

because that's what it is you shouldn't feel guilty for not being into someone especially in this day and age where we're obviously matching on apps like it's so much more common to actually not have a spark and not feel attracted to someone or not feel like there is a connection with someone because you're literally going off of a screen whereas back in the day before the apps you'd meet someone at a bar or in a restaurant or in a park or wherever and you'd already feel like there was a bit of a connection and that's why you'd go on a date and that's why you'd go on a date. So you should never feel guilty for saying that you don't want to date someone. The alternative option is to date someone that you're not into and then you're miserable.

And that's also not fair on them because who wants to be dated by someone that's just not that into you? I don't want someone to date me that isn't into me. I want someone that wants to date me. And likewise, that's every other person. So yes, you might feel guilty in this moment for saying no, but you shouldn't. You've got nothing to feel guilty about. You went on a first date. It wasn't good the end that's it you can say no in a kind way you don't have to turn around to be like no the first date was shit why would I want to see you again you can just say to someone that's sweet for you to offer but I don't feel like there was a connection I wish you all the best or you can say there wasn't a connection on my end so I don't feel comfortable going on a

second date but I wish all the best for the future you don't have to be an arso about it you don't have to ghost them you can be kind about saying no and then you don't have to feel guilty you've said no kindly you've been polite to them you've told them where you stand and you've not then got yourself into a situation where now you're stuck dating someone that you're not happy with you deserve to date someone that you're actually into stop guilt-tripping yourself into say no to someone it's okay to say no absolutely fine so yeah i think that's it for this episode if you've enjoyed it then please do rate them review on iTunes it would be very much appreciated and i will see you next week thanks so much for listening. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to The Date with Confidence

podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.