The Date with Confidence Podcast - Important Things I Tell Myself Before a First Date

Starting point is 00:00:00 Going on a first date can be really nervous, it can be really uncomfortable, there can be butterflies, you can feel a bit anxious before you go. So today I thought I would share the things that I tell myself before I go on a date. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles,

Starting point is 00:00:42 empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends so as i'm kind of getting ready as i'm preparing to meet someone for the first time i try to make sure that my mindset is really positive, that I'm telling myself confident things, and I don't let the negative what-ifs run away with me, because I feel like that can really, really impact how I show up and how I feel about myself on a day. So I have this concept that I created called the 90-90 mindset concept and it's a concept to help you feel confident

Starting point is 00:01:27 every day so feel confident in yourself every day and as part of the 90-90 mindset concept there are three core principles core principle number one is that you don't need to worry about being 100% confident 100% of the time you only need to work on becoming 90% confident 100% of the time, you only need to work on becoming 90% confident 90% of the time, because we're human beings, and we're not going to feel confident all day every day. Principle number two, is that you only need 90 seconds of confidence to make a decision to take action to do something that is going to propel you forwards and that's going to help you move forwards in life it's going to help you to achieve something that you want to achieve so all you need is 90 seconds of confidence and that works really well when it comes to dating and if you're nervous

Starting point is 00:02:16 before going on a date because instead of thinking oh my god I've got to be confident for the next 90 minutes, next couple of hours, next however long, if you can conjure up 90 seconds of confidence as you're waiting for them to arrive, then when you first meet them, you're going to be confident. And then if you think about it as like every 90 seconds, so okay, I can be confident for these 90 seconds, focus on those 90 seconds, be confident and then think, okay, now I can be confident for another 90 seconds, and another 90 seconds. So you break it down in an easier way to feel like I've not explained this, like in an easier way to stay confident. So instead of worrying, worrying yourself about, oh, I need to be confident for all this time,

Starting point is 00:03:05 you just focus on 90 seconds. And that 90 seconds is going to get you into the day, feeling really confident in yourself. Then the third principle, the third core principle of the 90-90 mindset is that you, there are three layers of confidence you need to create in order to be confident every day, to be confident in every situation. And these three layers are think confident, which is all about your mindset, your inner narrative, working on changing any limiting beliefs. It's really about the way that you think. Then there's act confident, which is really about the practical actions you can take to appear confident, to come across as confident, to present yourself as confident. And it's also about confidence comes from taking action, because we could do all the mindset work

Starting point is 00:03:49 in the world, but until you actually put yourself into an uncomfortable position, such as going on a first date for the first time, then you're never going to reach the levels of confidence that you desire, that you deserve. Once you've done something scary, it adds a new layer of confidence to you. And then there's the feel confident layer, which is all about working on how you feel inside. So it's the kind of energetic layer, it's feeling confident energetically, it's feeling confident in your body in the way that you are. And as I get ready for a day, I always make sure that I am covering all of these layers. So as I said in this video, we're going to talk about the things that I say to myself. So this is the think confident layer.

Starting point is 00:04:34 It's the things I say to myself as I'm getting ready for a date so that when I arrive at the date, I'm already feeling confident. And those first date nerves have maybe they've not disappeared altogether but they've definitely lessened so instead of rocking up to a date feeling really anxious or nervous I can just walk up feeling my confident self and I always think that the more confident you feel the better the more authentic you are and the better you can connect with someone because you're not in your head the whole time thinking what they're going to be thinking about me what they're going to be saying like am I good enough do they like the way they why I look all that kind of kind of stuff it's really interesting to me how things have changed

Starting point is 00:05:14 for me in terms of dating I feel like when I used to date in my 20s my main concern on the dates was always what will they think of me I was always in my head around are they gonna like me are they gonna think I'm attractive are am I gonna say the right thing am I gonna be funny enough all that kind of stuff it was very much what are they going to think about me and I was worried about the impression that I would give. Whereas now I'm in my 30s, I feel like things have changed slightly. I feel like I'm more, what am I going to think about them? Like, what if I don't like them, or I don't connect with them? How am I going to, like, turn them down? Or it's just a different energy I feel like I'm not concerned about what they think of me and I think that really comes from me getting to a place where I really like myself I really love myself I really accept myself for who I am and I think when you

Starting point is 00:06:17 go into a date with that energy it's naturally better anyway because you don't have those worries around what they're gonna think of you and you just get to kind of enjoy yourself a bit more because yeah you're just not not in your head so much um so the most important thing when going on a first date is when preparing to go on a first date is you want to feel confident in yourself you want to feel at your best you want to feel comfortable to be honest and vulnerable not in in a like, let me share my sob story with you, but be open with who you are, with your values, with what's important to you, with where you kind of want to be. And in order to feel confident in yourself, you need to look at what you're kind of saying to yourself before you go on the date so if you're saying to yourself I don't know um things like I used to say to myself like what if they don't think I'm attractive what if they don't think I'm funny what if they don't agree with my opinions if you're saying those things to yourself

Starting point is 00:07:14 you spiral into this worrying what if state and when you're in that state everything else is gonna the way you hold yourself you're gonna probably slouch a bit more you're gonna look like you're not confident you're gonna feel nervous you're gonna feel anxious whereas when you tell yourself really positive things and you focus on how amazing you are you're gonna naturally stand taller you'll naturally come across as more confident more able to speak confidently and openly, you'll feel better in your body and instead of thinking this has got to be the one, like I have to meet the one now, this has got to be an amazing first date and building it up into your head and trying to

Starting point is 00:07:59 decide what the date's going to be like before you go, instead you'll just see it as this fun opportunity to connect with someone new and that's exactly what dating is dating is just meeting someone you've never met before having a drink having some dinner going and doing something fun connecting with someone to see whether more of a connection can be built it's a I see it as like a fun activity to go and do and to just get out there and do something different so I went on a really fun date actually like the first it was the first date and the guy said to me oh like what do you want to do I was like I don't mind like you decide and he booked tickets to go to like a museum but it was like a it was called the twist museum in London so it's all like optical illusions

Starting point is 00:08:45 fun um what are they called all like fun areas where there was lots of different things to kind of look at to kind of see to talk about and this was really fun for me because I felt like because we were doing this joint experience together we instantly had stuff that we could talk about whereas sometimes when you go for like drinks or you go for dinner or even if you go for a walk like it's very starting fresh and yeah you might have been chatting to someone through messages but it's still that initial like oh I don't really know what to talk about first whereas because we did this it was like a joint experience so we talked a lot about the different um what is that word the different exhibitions isn't the word that I want to use what is the word we talked about the different installations I think is that

Starting point is 00:09:39 I don't know we talked about all the different art installations and all the different optical illusions and all the different places within the museum as we were going through and I felt like it really broke the ice because then when we came out and we were already like okay well this was fun we've enjoyed ourselves and then we went for dinner and because we'd already spent like an hour and a half in each other's company when we then sat down to dinner it was easy to kind of start conversation to talk about all the other things that you talk about on the first date that was just such a fun experience and before the date I think this helps as well before the date I told myself I'm gonna go and I'm just gonna have fun I wasn't actually feeling particularly

Starting point is 00:10:21 well before this before this date but I didn't want to cancel last minute and I was just like I'm just gonna go and we're just gonna have fun and no matter what happens we've had a fun experience I've done something different I've met someone new I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone because I hadn't I hadn't dated for a little while I'd had a bit of a I'd had like a bit of a break from dating when this date happened. So I was like, rather than putting expectations on the date of I'm going to go, it has to look like this. It's got to be Mr. Right. I've got to feel a connection or whatever. Like it needs to be something instead of me trying to make the date something. I just went with no expectations other than I'm gonna go I'm gonna have fun whatever happens it's gonna be a good experience and I think so many

Starting point is 00:11:12 people and I include myself in this like when I was younger this was very much me go on a first date with the intention or with the expectations that they're going to have a connection straight away. And I actually did this on the first date I went on after my breakup. I had a big breakup a few years ago. And the first date I went on afterwards, I was kind of expecting a bit of a fairy tale. I hadn't been on a date for like seven years at this point, I've been in a long-term relationship for five I hadn't been on a date I'd been single for a while so I kind of put all my hopes on this being a really good date and I set myself up for then it needs to be a fairy tale and I want to feel a spark and I want to feel I'm complimented a lot. And I wanted it to, I really wanted it to be something that it was never going to be. And I found that because I'd set myself up, because I told myself that it was going to look a certain way and the date had to feel a certain way and be a certain way.

Starting point is 00:12:18 I ended up feeling a little bit disappointed, which wasn't the fault of the guy. Like he was a nice guy. We had a good chat. We laughed. It was fine. like he was a nice guy, we had a good chat, we laughed, it was fine, like it was a fine day, but I had kind of set myself up for disappointment because of what I'd been telling myself beforehand, whereas after learning from that lesson, I really, now I just tell myself, well you're're going to go, you're going to have fun, it's going to be a great time. At the end of the day, the worst thing that happens is you meet

Starting point is 00:12:49 someone, they're not someone you want to see again. And that's it. Like it doesn't need to be any more complicated than that. That is literally it, you're literally going to meet someone to have a conversation, have a few drinks, go for dinner, do do whatever and that's it and at the end of it you either have met someone that you want to see again or you've met someone that you'll just see them for the for that time and that's it you haven't lost anything by going on that date so I think this is one thing that has really changed the game for me instead of writing my future before I go on the date I just go with an open mind instead of telling myself like oh this is what the date is going to be like and getting

Starting point is 00:13:31 carried away which which can happen if you've been chatting to someone for a little while and you're finally getting to meet them and you kind of think that there's this chemistry or there's these feelings before you meet them it's very common for us to build up this whole story in our minds before we actually meet them this is something that many of us do like I've done it my friends have done it people that I've known online have done it like you you have this you think you have the connection over messages and then you're like okay well this is what the first date's gonna look like this is how it's gonna go down and then when that doesn't happen you get that disappointment so instead of writing your future before you meet

Starting point is 00:14:18 them just go with an open mind be open-minded and allow the date to transpire however it's going to transpire and I think don't kind of like pin all your hopes on someone one of the other things I like to say to myself to really help myself feel confident is I go into the like oh like I get I get my affirmations out I'm a massive fan of repeating positive affirmations. Affirmations helped me change my life. When I was too afraid to leave the house and really wanted to change the way that I was living, I started using affirmations to help me transform things, to help me change my mindset, to help me say yes to the things that terrified me and to really push myself to live a better life. I'm a massive massive fan of affirmations so when it

Starting point is 00:15:07 comes to going on a first date I'll repeat things like I'm an amazing person anyone would be lucky to be with me I'm gonna have so much fun tonight and one affirmation that I repeated when I went on my first date after seven years was one by Amanda Francis and it was, oh, I'm the catch, I'm the vibe, I'm the whole damn prize. That was it. And I just repeated that to myself over and over again. And yeah, it might feel a little bit silly and it might feel a bit uncomfortable, especially if you're not used to saying positive things to yourself. But the thing is, when we say positive things to ourselves, we instantly feel better and you want to feel better. You want to feel the best that you can be if you're going on a date. So whether or not you feel silly, it doesn't matter. And whether or not people would think, why are you saying such stupid things to yourself? That doesn't

Starting point is 00:15:54 matter. What's important is how you feel about yourself and that you go into any day feeling like your best. So that was a really good good one other things that I like to do um to like get my mindset in the right place before dating is we talked about before the spiraling into what ifs the kind of negative what ifs of like what if I don't connect with them what if they don't think I'm attractive all that kind of stuff I teach something in the confidence course called a mindset monologue. And it is essentially where you go into a spiral, but you spiral upwards. So you go into the what ifs, but instead of the negative what ifs that we naturally just go to, you spiral upwards into positive what ifs. So what if this first day is the best date I've ever been on? What if I go and I have an amazing time? What if this guy makes me feel like an absolute queen for the evening?

Starting point is 00:16:50 What if I laugh all night? What if this is the best food I've ever eaten? What if I get home and I realise that I had a really wonderful evening with this guy? What if this is the one? And although you don't want to pin your hopes on the date being incredible, you do want to talk yourself into the fact that you're going to have a fun time. So there's no expectations on what the date may bring. There's no pinning your hopes on this has got to be the one. But you are talking yourself into the fact it's going to be a really good time regardless of what the outcome is because what we think we believe and what we believe becomes our reality so if you go on to a

Starting point is 00:17:31 first date saying oh I don't know if this is going to be any good what if he doesn't like me what if there's no chat between us what if we don't have any banter then chances are because you're going in with that mindset, you're already looking for that to be the situation. Whereas when you talk yourself into, you're going to have so much fun, it's going to be a really great evening, it doesn't matter what the other person is like or how they behave, you are going to have fun. When you go in with that mindset, that becomes your reality because you're already in the headspace of, I'm going to have fun when you go in with that mindset that becomes your reality because you're already in the headspace of I'm going to have fun tonight no matter what happens so even if it's a complete disaster it doesn't matter you're going to have a good time otherwise it it's like I mean I say

Starting point is 00:18:16 this a lot with pretty much everything really this whole what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality things become a self-fulfilling prophecy so whatever you tell yourself if you tell yourself when you're on dating apps oh I never meet anyone on a dating app they're all just time wasters that's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're not going to spend the time and put the effort into meeting someone that isn't a time waster. Does that make sense? Whereas when you go onto the dating apps and you go, this is such a good way to meet my future husband, you go in with that energy of, I'm going to put in the time and effort and I'm going to find someone who I am going to connect with. I'm going to find my person on there. And then that becomes a self-fulfilling

Starting point is 00:19:01 prophecy. I just think I used to be so I used to put so much pressure on myself on first dates to for it to be a certain way for for myself to come across in a certain way I used to really build it up in my head of like a first date is a really big deal and now like don't get me wrong like there are still times where I feel anxious about a date, especially as I seem to be the one that gets there first. Like, I am, I'm typically late. Like, that is just my life. I think it's the ADHD thing. I have a bit of time blindness.

Starting point is 00:19:38 I'm always late. So I'm either always late or really early. There's like no in between for me so when it comes to being like going on a date I I really do make the effort to try and get them on time because I don't want them to think that I've just stood them up or I'm not like I don't know it's a big deal for me to try and get to a first date on time but then what's happened with that is now I tend to be the first person to the date and I absolutely hate waiting around like I hate waiting for people and I do think that this is sometimes part of the reason that I'm late all the time because I hate just

Starting point is 00:20:16 standing there waiting for someone to show up it really like it irritates me to like the max it just it bothers me so there are times where I will arrive at the first date first and then whilst I'm standing there and kind of waiting for them to arrive I end up feeling like nervous and anxious and I'm like oh my god what are they gonna show up like what if they what if they don't what if they don't arrive what if they don't come and I've been stood up and when my brain starts to go in that direction I then just start to repeat all the positive things to myself again and I feel like the more I do it before I go on the date then if I get to the date and I am first the less likely my brain is to instantly go to the oh I'm about to be stood up kind of place so although yeah I'm like of

Starting point is 00:21:06 course I am nervous sometimes but I feel like all the work that I do before we get to that point means that for the most part I go in feeling confident and then if I do get there first and I've got to wait for someone I'll use that trick for the 90 seconds of confidence and think okay I've just got to hold confidence for the next 90. And I'll reach into my toolkit of 90 second confidence boosters, which I actually have in, I've got something called the confidence kit, which you can download for free. And it's got nine 90 second confidence boosters in there. So that if you need to feel confident instantly, you can reach for one of those tools and I reach for those tools regularly I've been on quite a like quite a few dates in the past and I've had some really like good dates but I've also had

Starting point is 00:21:52 some pretty like bad ones which I feel is probably universal for everyone really isn't it I remember going on one date I'd temporarily split for my ex and I was on a date this guy came to the bar that I was working at and he was like he stayed around till it had closed and was like oh I want to take you out so I was like okay fine gave him my number and he was like oh where do you want to go I was like I don't mind like I think he was visiting Melbourne temporarily so I was like oh you can choose because I thought well one I'm working so I don't have the I don't have the brain power to choose where to where we go and also I quite like it if the guy decides what we're doing for the first

Starting point is 00:22:30 date so I was like oh you choose like I don't mind where we go you like you decide thinking oh he'll choose somewhere that he really wants to visit in the city whilst he's here and then when he like told me the details I was like fine so I like trekked across town from where I lived into the city to go on this date with him and when I got there it turned out he'd chosen the restaurant that was literally attached to the hotel it was like literally downstairs so all he had to do is come out of his room and go downstairs and I was like oh okay of all the places that we could have gone um but that was fine and then we were chatting like over dinner and I was how old was I 24 I think at this time 23 or 24 and we were chatting over dinner

Starting point is 00:23:14 and obviously I was living in Melbourne I'd been living in Australia for how long at this point for about nine months at this point eight nine months and I was talking about all the travels like I'd lived in Thailand before then I'd lived in Australia I'd gone back to the UK for a little while and then got back to Australia so I'd already lived in Sydney I'd been in Perth for a bit I'd lived on a farm for a while and then I was working in Melbourne and I was like talking about this and then I was talking about all the different travels that I wanted to have and the places that I wanted to go and he was just like yeah but when are you gonna settle down and I was like what it was just like but when are you gonna settle down because like you're

Starting point is 00:23:53 getting older like and he was like a year younger than me I was like I'm 24 like why why would I settle down now um which is I know like some people settle down then but at the time I was just absolutely baffled that he was asking me when I was gonna settle down he was like yeah but aren't you gonna like buy a house and when are you gonna like when do you want to settle down and have kids and I was like I don't know and like eight years later I still don't know when I want to settle down. So that was just funny. And back then as well, I think all he ordered was like tap water for the table. And me, like when I was younger, I was, I don't want to say snobby, but like that was important to me. Like if all

Starting point is 00:24:37 you're going to order is that tap water for the table, then I don't know it was a thing it wasn't a good date I've been on better and believe it or not we didn't see each other again it also didn't help that he had the same name as my ex and then I found out he'd slept with like one of my colleagues one of the bartenders that I worked with apparently slept with her like a couple of days before a couple of weeks before and I didn't know and then he'd obviously like asked me out on a date and I was just like oh it would have been would have been nice to know that and I'd have probably said no so yeah fun times so I think that's it I think that's all I've got to say on the things that I say to myself but I hope somewhere in here you can use the things that

Starting point is 00:25:21 I've said about um like the things that I say to myself before I go on a date and I hope that they are helpful for you so that the next time you go on a first date you feel so much more confident about what to like before you even get to the date and in the next video I'm going to do I'm going to talk about the act confident piece I'm going to talk about the practical things I do before I go on a first date to ensure that I show up feeling full of confidence. So I'll see you there. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Important Things I Tell Myself Before a First Date

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.