The Date with Confidence Podcast - Redefining Love And Relationship Standards

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

EPISODE 61: Redefining Love And Relationship StandardsI’ve been reflecting on the kind of love I want to call into my life in a different way recently, a way that I’ve never considered before now. It’s causing me to reevaluate my relationship standards and helping me to go even deeper with what I desire from a relationship in the future. Here’s a brief overview:1. Evolving Relationship Standards: Shifting my focus from chemistry to enduring qualities like loyalty and support2. Unconditional Care in Relationships:*Inspired by my grandparents, examining the beauty of caregiving within love3. Desire for a Resilient Partnership: Seeking a partner who is committed through both joyous and challenging moments4. Reflecting on Singlehood and Self-Knowledge: Embracing singlehood to gain clarity on relationship desires5. Intentional Love: Moving from attraction-driven dating to a more values-centred approachGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  Support The Date with Confidence PodcastIf you'd like to show your support for the podcast, you can do so in these ways:1) Share the podcast with your friends2) Leave me a review on iTunes stating what you love most about the podcast so more people can find it3) Buy me a coffee to express you gratitude for the episodes if you found them helpful, inspiring or entertainingResourcesThe 9 Red Flags You Need to Stop Ignoring ImmediatelyThe Dating DebriefAttract on the AppsLoved UpThe Breakup Bounce BackThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.Follow your host Rebecca Hawkes on Instagram and TikTok. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome my

friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends when i was younger the things that were important to me about being in a relationship were a lot different to the things i'm now thinking about now that i'm in my 30s and i'm getting older when i was younger it was very much about the chemistry that i had with someone how they made me feel how I suppose like obsessed I was with them and when I think back to my two like big loves there was something that I haven't really considered much until this point in my life and that was how I would do anything for them in terms of like if they were ill I would take care I would have wanted to take care of them and this these feelings these thoughts are coming from at the moment I'm going through a really rough time with my granddad he's

been ill for about four years now and it is the last couple of weeks he has been in hospital and essentially they've said there's nothing that he can do so he's about to come home i'm actually recording this in their kitchen waiting for delivery of the equipment that's gonna that's gonna support him through like the end of his life and it's been a really rough couple of weeks since he went into hospital and now this chapter is about to get even rougher because he's now under palliative care as I said there's nothing nothing more that that can be done so it's gonna be a really shit few weeks to be perfectly honest um but it's made me think like seeing the way that my nan has cared for him seeing the way that my nan's been there every day like i mean i've obviously been there every day

but i want to talk about like their relationship specifically here the way that she's shown up for him especially over the last four years since his health has really deteriorated she literally does everything for him he's on oxygen 24 7 now and has been for a couple of years he can't move well now he's never going to be able to get out of bed again because his oxygen and heart rate drops or his blood pressure drops too low that he just collapses and up until he went into hospital she was doing everything for him, bathing him, dressing him, cooking for him, like getting him everything that he needed. And it's really made me reflect on the type of relationship that I want. And it's something that I now think about when I'm dating someone. If I am not prepared to care for someone, it's not even about being prepared, if I don't have

the desire to take care of someone at that level, I know that they're not right for me. And I thought about this with my last ex specifically, we were together for five years um officially seven and a half like sleeping together whatever but whenever he was ill or if anything had happened i would have done anything for him i would literally have done anything for him and I was very prepared to support him through anything and likewise um not likewise but I was thinking about this earlier like my best mate broke his back just after he turned 30 just um in New Zealand it was like a freak accident broke his back paralyzed from the chest down and he hadn't been dating his partner for that long I'm, it was like a freak accident, broke his back, paralysed from the chest down. And he hadn't been dating his partner for that long. I'm sure it was like less than a year that they'd been together. Yet she has stayed by him. She has been there to support him through

this like life altering accident. She stood by him every step of the way she cared for him nurse for him was there for him emotionally they've now got a beautiful house two lovely children wonderful dog like they're like okay i mean obviously it's shitty that he's got to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair but the way that she was able to show up for him, that's the love that I want. If I am not in a space where I desire to care for someone on that level, then I know that they're not for me. Like that's the, I think when you're younger, you have this idea that love is this like romantic, it's all about the good times, isn't it? it's all about the amazing dates and what you build together and the wonderful holidays you have and the wedding that you have and all the

amazing memories you create and none of us focus on the none of us focus on the hard times and what it would be like to be with someone through literally the worst moments of your life and even the end of your life I watch a lot of videos on social media obviously they come up in my feed don't they like you see like videos where partners are going through like cancer treatments or bad diagnoses or life altering changes and then you see the way that their partner shows up for them that's the love that I want now I'm not I mean god forbid like touch wood I'm fine I'm healthy like I obviously none of us want anything bad like that to happen to us none of us sit there and go I wish

I ended up with a terminal illness or I wish I ended up in a wheelchair like none of us think that but god forbid if anything like that happened I want to be with someone who would care for me on that level and who would have the same desire for me that I would have to care for them I'm like honestly really waffling a lot I know that because I'm in a real weird state of mind with everything that's been going on I'm not it's like I'm grieving before I'm about to grieve with my granddad so it it's a lot. But these are the things I'm thinking about in these moments when I look at their relationship. And I mean, Nan was 17 when they got married. That's such a, and she's now, I don't know, 75, 75, 76, I think. She spent like so many years of her life and obviously granddad as well like

they have spent the majority of their lives together and now the way that they care for each other i mean the way that granddad cared for nan before he was poorly as well not in a in terms of like she's had a few operations over the years and stuff that she's needed caring for but the way that they love each other so much through literally the worst times and the hardest moments and the same with my best mate and his partner like the way that they have loved each other and cared for each other and supported each other through the worst like that's what I want it's all very well having the amazing ups and the highs and the holidays and the weddings and the marriage or not marriage well you know I mean like the creating the memories it's all very well having those amazing things that yes we all desire but I also think now like I want to be with someone where we can have a love that is

supportive and caring and nurturing and the kind of love where it's not about the glamorous stuff it's about the like if I give birth and I can't get up off the sofa if I'm struggling with postnatal depression or I mean depression without even being pregnant like if I'm going through something and I just cannot function I want the kind of love where my partner's going to be there and he's going to be there to support me and look after me and not see me as a massive inconvenience likewise if they are going through something I want to be able to be that support and I think it's such a beautiful part of love that we don't think about like loving each other and supporting each other through the worst things of your life the worst moments of your life so yeah it's kind of a new

I'm gonna revisit my relationship standards and expectations I share a lesson about this in the confidence course and I revisited this at the start of the year or like middle of the year when I was dating the guy that I was seeing at the start of the year and I realized that he actually didn't fit some of the standards that I have for a relationship my standards are my non-negotiables and my expectations are my like nice to haves kind of would be cherries on top kind of things but I think now when I do this work to really call in the person that I want to be with forever one of the things that I want to write down on my wish list and I think it's important that we have wish lists is that they have that desire to build a deeper love than just enjoying the happy moments I want someone who's going to be in it in the worst moments in the thick of it I've heard

from so many people who've been in relationships where the like shit is going on for them and they are struggling so much and their partner's just not helpful in the slightest I don't want that I want a teammate I want a team player I've said this before like I want someone who is equally as invested in us building a life together and us supporting ourselves through the worst and through the best times um I thought I'd just share what I had been thinking about the last couple of weeks because I haven't been dating for a little while um and in this downtime where I like genuinely just don't have the capacity I downloaded hinge well actually that's a lie I never deleted hinge when I was seeing the other guy I just didn't go on there

um but I've been on hinge for the last few months and every now and then I'll like dip my toe in and I'll have conversations with people but I just I don't have the capacity to date at the moment I have too much going on in my life with um specifically at this point with granddad being poorly and I don't want to waste the last moments of his life like trying to date someone I'm not in a headspace to show up and be happy and cheery when I'm like my world is about to crumble around me like it's just not my vibe at the moment yeah sure it would be great to meet someone it'd be great to have someone support me through my grief but I have zero desire to make an effort with anyone at all right now so as I'm using this time away like I'm so I'm using this time away

from dating to also reflect more on the things that I want and on the things that I don't want and hone my desires even more I feel like this happens all the time like after every dating experience after every relationship after every situationship it gives me an opportunity to get even tighter around what I actually want and to get clearer on the kind of love that I'm calling into my life rather than just like I hope he's hot and I hope we get on which is just so basic that's so like 18 year old me hot and rich and tall now I'm just like no I I'm really specific on the person that I want to come into my life and I'm so comfortable in my own skin I'm so comfortable being single it is going to take someone really special for me to allow them into my life and for me to say

do you know what I'm happy to give up this contentment with life for a new person to to share that life with me and it's nice to be at this place because I'm not in a space where I'm like, I need today, I need to have a boyfriend, I need to start thinking about settling down, I'm getting past it because I'm 33, I'm going to be 34 in December. But I'm not in that worried state of, I need to do these things because it's getting too late for me or anything like that so yeah that's that's all I wanted to share right now so thanks so much for listening to my waffling and I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends. you