The Date with Confidence Podcast - Sex On The Third Date?! Dating Rules You Need To Ditch Now

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

EPISODE 16: Sex On The Third Date?! Dating Rules You Need To Ditch NowShould you have sex on the third date?Should the guy pay for everything on a first date?Should you really be waiting for hours before responding to a message from them?And, is it an absolute no no to talk about your exes on a first date?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, we're diving into the world of dating rules and why it's time to ditch them for good. Here are the key topics covered:1. The Pressure to Have Sex on a Third Date: Remember the old dating rule about having sex on the third date? Well, I say it's time to ditch that expectation. It's okay to take your time and build an emotional connection before anything physical.2. Who Pays on a First Date:  While it's great when your date picks up the check, let's not make it an expectation. I appreciate it for sure, but I'm down for equality and sometimes prefer to split the bill. It's about finding a balance that works for both parties.3. Stop the Texting Mind Games: Why wait for hours to respond to a message? Let's be real, playing these games doesn't lead to healthy relationships.4. Talking About Exes on a First Date: Contrary to the old advice, I find it healthy to discuss past relationships on a date. It helps you understand your potential partner's expectations and deal-breakers, making it easier to decide if you're compatible.5. Authenticity is Key: Don't try to be your best self, try to be your true self. Being authentic on your dates is crucial. It allows both you and your date to form a genuine connection and know if you're compatible from the start.So, let's ditch those outdated dating rules and embrace a more authentic and open approach to dating. Remember, it's about finding the right connection, not following a set of rigid rules. Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackAttract on the AppsThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseGet weekly-ish updates, exclusive offers and access behind the scenes gossip when you become a podcast insider.Visit The Date with Confidence website here.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Should you have sex on the third date? Should you let the guy pay for everything? Should you really be waiting for hours before responding? And is it an absolute no-no to talk about your exes on a first date? Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been with practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident af on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your

host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends these are all rules that i have heard about dating in the past like when I was younger I remember in my it must have been like in my 20s when I was dating then there was this whole idea around the like date number three being the date that you had sex on that was just the rule that was

the thing that happened if you made it to date three you got the sex over and done with I say over and done with I say over and done with like maybe you just wanted to have the sex it's fine but that's something that has always been um like been a thing and if you watch films in like the 90s or the early 2000s or things like sex in the city like it's kind of expected that you have sex relatively early on in the dating process and I wanted to touch on this and talk about the dating rules not not even dating rules like talk about um the idea of ditching all the dating rules because I firstly I don't really agree with rules to be perfectly honest I don't think that we should be putting this pressure on ourselves on our dating life on our experiences I don't think we should be saying like this is what needs

to happen by this point in time now I have been single for a very long time I've been single for nearly four years now and back in the day when I was dating in my 20s I was into the idea of hooking up with people not necessarily having sex like quickly but kissing on the first date was not a problem like absolutely kiss on the first date flirt on the first day hook up great that was something that I was quite open to whereas now I think having done so much work on myself and having got to the point where I know exactly what I deserve the attraction stuff like the physical stuff isn't as important to me now and there is not a chance in hell that I would be ready to have sex with someone on a third date I don't think unless I was just interested in casual dating in sleeping around for a little while if that was the vibe that I wanted if that was the if that's what I wanted if that was where I was kind of heading with my dating life absolutely not a problem but I'm dating very intentionally I'm not dating to

go out there and get a boyfriend immediately I I'm very open to date around, to meet new people, to have new experiences, to explore a little bit. As I said, I've been single for a long time, I've been out of the game for a long time. I want to enjoy it and I want to have fun. So I'm not like, I've got a date, I've got to get a boyfriend, I need to be in a relationship. I've always been somebody that is very content being single. I am not somebody that has to be in a relationship. My previous relationships have happened organically without me actively seeking them out. So it's not where I, yeah, it's just not something that I need. And now when when I'm dating I've been on quite a few dates first date second date and I haven't even kissed the guy and I don't think that's a problem for me

I don't think that's a problem I'm very much more interested in forming not even forming in seeing if there is an emotional connection before there's a physical connection which is very different to how I was in my 20s in my 20s things were led with lust things were led with the physical side of things um that was what attracted me to someone, the physical chemistry was what led me to relationships with people, and the emotional connection came afterwards, but that's not always put me in a good point, that's not always put me in healthy relationships, so now it's very important for me, especially if I am, as I am dating older, and as I am thinking more about settling down, I want to have kids at some point, there's like a limit, like in terms of being a woman, like there's only so long that you can have kids for, I'm dating very intentionally and as part of that I want that emotional connection

and I'm not trying to form an emotional connection with people, I'm exploring and meeting people and seeing whether that emotional connection is there or has the capacity to be there and I really like that and if I kind of followed these dating rules of having sex on the first date then I don't think that would be there. Likewise, things like expecting the guy to pay for everything, that's not how I would expect our relationship to be. So whilst I very much appreciate it when a guy pays for a date or pays whilst we're dating, I don't expect my relationship to be like that so in some ways I don't necessarily want the dating experience to be like that because if you're dating and you're almost like experiencing what a potential relationship could look like I just want it to

be very natural and organic and I yeah I don't want to put those expectations on anyone that I'm dating I'm happy to split the bill I'm happy to to be equal I've as I said I find it very attractive when a guy does pay for stuff especially when it's not expected I I like it I appreciate it I find it really attractive but it's not something that I would expect from anyone especially if I know that I'm not going to see them again and I talked about this more in a Q&A episode that I shared so you might want to have a listen to that one I also think about the whole like waiting hours to respond. I was on a date with a guy recently and he said that there was this like trick or like game that some girls play where they'll like leave you on read for hours and hours to see how you respond. So almost like a test to see how the other person was would respond to being left on read and I just I don't want any of these games I don't want I don't want a relationship that's

based on games because I've had that in the past as well where there's been games during the dating process and that's been quite fun it's been like you know when it's almost like a challenge and it's like hot cold and a guy makes you work for it I used to like a challenge because it kept it interesting and it kept it exciting I'm not about that now I've very much changed what I want and what I, realising what I deserve. I'm not about game playing. So if someone messages me, I'm going to respond when I see it and when I want to. And if I read it and can't respond immediately, that's not a test. That's a, I'm busy, I'm going to respond when I can. But at the same time, I also wouldn't just sit there and be like oh okay he texted me like I need to leave it an hour so that he doesn't think I'm too keen like no I'm not not about

game playing um and the other the other thing that I mentioned as well the whole um talking about exes on a date I've been on a few dates with a guy recently and we have talked quite in depth about our past relationships and experiences within our past relationships and I believe that this is actually quite healthy because in discussing our pasts we understand more about what the other person is looking for what would work for the other person what wouldn't work for the other person for example if I shared something about like I'm not this wasn't even a conversation that we had but for example if I shared how my ex would go out all night and not come home and rock up at seven o'clock in the morning and then have a go at me because I was worried about where he'd been and then the guy

that I was dating was like oh yeah well I go out with my mates every weekend there would be a there would be an imbalance or if I shared that story and he was like yeah but the guy was out like why would you need to know where he was kind of thing there would be an imbalance already so we'd straight away know this would not work for us because my expectation is I am not going to be with someone who thinks it's acceptable to stay out all night and not give me some reassurance of where they are so that I don't worry that they're either a fucking someone else or be dead in a ditch and part of that perhaps comes from my own insecurity in previous relationships

because there's been that miss there's been that like lack of trust but also yeah I think it's important to discuss certain things about previous relationships and that's kind of worked for me really well and back to the kind of physical stuff it's interesting I've been seeing a guy not for very long actually but we've had a few dates and I feel like there's a genuine emotional connection there. I find him extremely attractive, but what's interesting is the attraction has come the more I've got to know him. Whereas when I was younger, the attraction would come first and then I'd get to know them but I'd be so like obsessed with how much I fancied them if I didn't like them it didn't matter because I fancied them and their chemistry was there this guy I obviously found him attractive to to like

agree to go on a date with him like visually visually I found him attractive, and then the more we've got to know each other through the conversations that we've had, through the dates we've been on, we've had fun together, he's got more and more and more and more attractive, it's like I'm attracted to his mind, I'm attracted to the way that he communicates, and I'm attracted to him physically, and's just built up and what's interesting is there hasn't been any intimacy as such like we haven't kissed yet and I never when I was younger I would have always thought if you get to the third date and you haven't kissed it's like what's going on then like that's weird like oh this isn't gonna go anywhere because there isn't that physical attraction yet we've had conversations about intimacy and it's just like that's nice that the physical intimacy is gonna come because the attraction is absolutely there but it's gonna come when it's

ready which I'm not gonna lie I'm kind of hoping it's gonna be the next day but I just think we should ditch all the all the dating rules ditch the rules talk about the exes talk about what you want share open share honestly share vulnerably because in sharing those things yes some people will say it's more dangerous because yes, I feel like I've opened up a hell of a lot. So now there is room for a hurt. Like if rejection was going to happen, it would be upsetting. But I feel like making space and allowing yourself to open up for that connection is so important. Because if you're closed off, one thing that I also want to say about the dating rules,

and I actually mentioned this on the date as well, a lot of people will go on dates as their best selves, so they will try and be the best version of themselves, try and put on a mask, try and be who they think the other person will respond well to. I haven't done that at all. I used to do it when I was younger because I felt like it probably comes from a place of, um, like not feeling like enough and feeling like I have to be someone else to be attractive or to be wanted. That hasn't happened at all. Um, specifically with these last few dates as well and i think that's really important because there's never gonna come a point where all of a sudden the mask slip the mask slips and the real me's revealed we're forming this connection whatever it is as i said

it's been a few dates maybe it'll be something maybe it won't be something but whatever has happened so far that has come from our willingness to be open and honest and vulnerable with each other and I think that gives you an insight into whether or not you would actually be compatible. Because if you don't open up in that way, and you're both trying to be best versions of yourself, and you connect from the best version of yourself, then what happens when the masks do start to slip,

and you do start to reveal your true colours, if you like, you're connecting with someone in a different way. You're not, it a genuine authentic connection as i said like ditch the dating rules behave however you want to behave on your date show up as yourself and i also believe that in showing up as yourself you invite the other person to be the same and if they don't like who you are then they weren't your person ever to start with so you've literally got nothing to lose and this is something that i this this is kind of what i talk about in the confidence course really about the confidence to be yourself to be completely comfortable in your own skin to be your authentic self the confidence course helps you to be fully comfortable with who you are and actually there

is a module on raising your relationship standards which you might find helpful so check that out check the show notes and I'd love to hear what you think actually so do you think that there is a certain point where certain things need to be done or said do you think that it's a yes or a no to talking about your exes on dates do you think the guy should pay first give me your feedback give me your thoughts I'd love to hear from you message me on instagram at rebeccalucyh or send me an email hello at rebecc at Rebecca Lucy H.com share your thoughts and whilst you're there I would love it if you could rate and review this podcast on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts it would mean the absolute world for me to me mean the absolute world to me okay that's it thanks for listening I will see you in the next one thanks so much for

listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.