The Date with Confidence Podcast - The Truth: You're Actually Obsessed With Yourself, Not With Him

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

EPISODE 60: The Truth: You're Actually Obsessed With Yourself, Not With HimIn this episode, I reflect on a transformative realisation about dating: sometimes, our obsession with a partner isn’t about them at all—it’s about how incredible *we* are.After watching a TikTok that highlighted this, I began to look differently at my dating experiences. I now notice that the excitement and fulfilment I feel often comes from my own energy and personality, not necessarily the person I’m dating. I explore how this perspective can empower us to enjoy dating more fully and choose partners who truly match our worth.Here's an overview of what we discussed:1. Self-Worth in Dating: Understanding how our excitement often stems from our own confidence, not the other person2. Avoiding Obsessive Attachment: Recognising when attachment is based on personal feelings, not the partner’s qualities3. Reflecting on Personal Value: Learning to appreciate how much we contribute to enjoyable dates and moments4. Empowered Dating Choices: Using self-awareness to avoid settling for partners who don’t truly align with our needsJoin me in this episode for a fresh look at dating through the lens of self-worth, and feel free to share if this resonates with your own experiences!Mentioned:The TikTok video that inspired this episodeAm I Actually Delusional? The Rollercoaster of Modern DatingGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  Support The Date with Confidence PodcastIf you'd like to show your support for the podcast, you can do so in these ways:1) Share the podcast with your friends2) Leave me a review on iTunes stating what you love most about the podcast so more people can find it3) Buy me a coffee to express you gratitude for the episodes if you found them helpful, inspiring or entertainingResourcesThe 9 Red Flags You Need to Stop Ignoring ImmediatelyThe Dating DebriefAttract on the AppsThe Breakup Bounce BackThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Follow your host Rebecca Hawkes on Instagram. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I watched a TikTok a while ago now about the idea that when you are obsessed with a guy and you can't stop thinking about how good your dates were and you form this like obsessive attachment to them, it's not actually about the guy, it is about you. You're actually obsessed with yourself and I'm not gonna lie I've never related to something more. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside light-hearted catch-ups

where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. Okay, I'm going to play you the TikTok and I'm going to link it in the description of this episode so that you can go and check out this creator yourself. But are you ready for this?

You know, the reason you fall in love with every guy you meet is because you're great right so that's like the first part that's the um Brenna is the name of the creator that first put that out and that was the first part of the TikTok and then it's stitched by Abby Chatfield who again as I said I'm gonna link this whole video in this thing and let me like i want to know whether you relate to this as well so let me just play the rest of the video no because one time i was obsessed with this guy obsessed and i was my therapist i was like i won't find anyone like him i just had so much fun with him i have no idea you know why i haven't ever met anyone like this before and she said hey what do you like about him and I said no he's really smart and he's really funny and we've great

conversations and she told me to write down every instance I could remember where it was an interesting or funny moment and then figure out who started that conversation or that joke and they were all entirely me right so i have noticed this with people that i've been dating recently not so much in my past like i haven't gone back to my past and thought about it but when i think about the dates that i've been on in the last two years any time I was like oh that was so much fun we had a really good conversation I really enjoyed that and then I like replay moments in my head all of those times I was the instigator of the conversation or I was the one that told the joke or it was simply because I felt so good in myself that I was having a great time. So even if that person hadn't been on the date with me, I would have had the same energy, same fun, same great time.

I would have felt exactly the same. So I wanted to share this because I feel like this happens to so many of us. And it's not until somebody else says it that you go oh fuck that's so true so when i think about delusional guy and i think about the dates that we went on and how much i enjoyed myself and how quickly i became obsessed with him it wasn't because of him there were a lot of like red and orange flags and he was not the person that I know that I want to be with or the person that I deserve to be with but when I think about all the times where I would like replay our dates or I would replay our moments and I would think back to how I felt

in my body and and the thoughts and feelings that I was having around this scenario every single time it was because I was fucking amazing it was because I really liked how I looked on the day or it was because I felt like I get like I started really good conversations or we had in-depth conversations because of I'd started them that way or just all the times that I'd enjoyed it all the best parts of the day were essentially down to me. So it wasn't about him at all. Yeah, as I said, I wanted to share this with you in case you felt the same. And also, it's going to make me look at dating differently.

Or it has, even since I watched this video. Like, I watched this video. This is from, like, August 23. I saved this in my TikTok folder, like, last year sometime. I was like, I need to do an episode about this and since I watched that like I have thought about the dates that I've been on since and the way that I'm behaving on dates since and I think this is probably one of the reasons that I realized so quickly as in like within the three months that the guy that was're seeing at the start of the year wasn't for me it's because all the moments where I felt really good had been because of the way that I was behaving it wasn't

because of him it wasn't because of conversations that he'd started or it wasn't because of activities that he'd done or it wasn't because of the way that he made me feel it's the way that I'd made myself feel because of the actions I'd taken this is so rambly I know but yeah I just wanted to share that with you because I felt like it was such an eye-opening moment for me like such an eye-opening moment and now instead of getting that hint of obsession about a guy who is definitely not for me I now recognize and I ask myself those same questions like okay why am I so obsessed with this guy like what is it about him is it like did he start the conversation did he make the joke did he make me feel this way and I look at it and I'm like oh no actually it was me so yeah the truth

when you think you're obsessed with a guy you're just actually obsessed with how amazing you are and I think it's important to hold on to that because when we date these guys that then end up being someone that we didn't think they were we can like blame ourselves because we're like but I was so obsessed with him I liked him so much and then we were just like we're like I'm such an idiot how could I have not seen this before but now you can look at things from a completely different lens I want to know if this is helpful or not or whether you just think this is a load of shite you can let me know via my socials you can send me a message on instagram at your confident 30s or you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute

and share your thoughts and feelings about this in the um in the form there and then when we have a community episode next month i can read them out and see how many of you agree. That's it for today. Short and sweet. Just something that I wanted to share. Yeah, love to hear from you. Thanks for listening. And I will see you in the next one.

Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review, and share it with your single friends you