The Date with Confidence Podcast - This Is The Energy You Need To Take With You On A First Date

Starting point is 00:00:00 I made the biggest mistake when I started dating again after a four-year break. I used to go on first date, having had conversations with people via message, imagining what they were like. I felt like before I got on the date, I already knew a little bit about who they were. I had already built up this picture of who they are in my head. And I kind of felt like I knew what the date was going to be like. It's almost like I had decided who they were before we met in person. and then I imagined these like exciting dates where there'd be instant chemistry and it was

Starting point is 00:00:33 going to be a fairy tale and I'd let my brain get carried away with me and I'd really over-romanticise everything with this person that I'd just matched with online but what that did to me regularly on more than one occasion was leave me feeling really disappointed at the end of the date because I felt like they didn't live up to this fairy tale that I'd created in my mind. Welcome to The Date with Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where

Starting point is 00:01:15 your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. And I think that is really unfair on the person that I was going on a date with because I'd almost like held them to these expectations that I had in my mind. I'd held them to this standard of this character that I'd created in my mind before I even knew them as a person, before I'd even met them in real

Starting point is 00:01:57 life. And I think that that is really unfair, because when I think about it the other way around, if somebody decided who I was based on, say, my social media profiles, or based on a few messages that we'd sent together, I'd be a bit disappointed because I feel like my personality in real life is probably a lot better. It is a lot better than I can almost like showcase over messages because with messages you overthink and you can't always get the context and I feel like until you've known somebody's personality you can't sense their sense of humor in a message you can't sense the way that they communicate you can't sense all their little um the little personality traits that come out once you have met in person so that's not the energy we need to be taking

Starting point is 00:02:44 on our first dates we can't be going into first dates thinking this is going to be the one we've had some really good conversations. It's going to be the best first day I've ever had and put in all that pressure on the other person before you get on the date. But what we can do, because obviously we want to be excited about first dates. I don't know about you, but I enjoy first date and I want to make sure that I enjoy them. I don't want to go into a first date dreading it because then I'm never actually going to meet anyone. You want to go into a first day with the energy of no matter what this person is like, no matter how this date goes, I am going to have a good time. And I think that takes the pressure of making them the person that needs to make you have a good time. As we've

Starting point is 00:03:30 talked about before, we cannot control somebody else's behaviour. We cannot control how somebody else acts. We can't control how they're going to show up, what they're going to be wearing, the conversation that they're going to be giving. We can't control anything outside of us, but we can control our attitude and our mindset and our energy going into a date. So we can choose to go into that first day, feeling really good about ourselves, feeling full of energy, feeling positive, being open. This is something I think a lot of people do and it's understandable because we've all been on shitty dates.

Starting point is 00:04:07 We've all been in scenarios where we've been treated badly or we've been let down by the person we've been on a date with. We have all had those experiences that have made us question whether it's even worth dating or whether we should just be single for the rest of our lives. It is normal for us to go into these experiences, feeling a little bit closed off, a little bit apprehensive, a little bit kind of guard up, worrying is the same thing going to happen again? It is normal for us to go into that. And I think if we try and convince ourselves that we shouldn't be like that,

Starting point is 00:04:43 I think you're just kind of almost saying to yourself, like, my feelings aren't valid or that experience wasn't worth me being upset about when it absolutely was. But what we want to do instead is try to start every new date, every first day, with a fresh slate. This is a brand new chapter, brand new person, you're going into it with this fresh open energy of it doesn't matter what happened in the past. I'm choosing to go into this date with an open mind. and I think when we go into dates in a more open energy is feeling more open, feeling more willing to open up to someone. And I'm not saying we need to like relive our child of trauma and tell them all the secrets that we've got buried and that we'd only tell our best friends. I'm not telling, I'm not saying that we need to go and spill the beans on our entire life story.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Absolutely not. But going into it with this open mind, this curiosity, this little bit of excitement, but not the over-romanticizing excitement, just that little bit of, oh, I'm going to meet someone new, I'm going to have different conversations this evening, I'm going to get to know someone. That really fresh, positive energy, that is going to help you connect with someone. Even if you're not going on a first date, like even if you're just going to a club, for example, and you're going to go and meet new people, this is how you're going to connect with people that little bit more is by going into it with that open mind that fresh energy and to be able to do that you really need to be confident in yourself in who you are you need to be confident in

Starting point is 00:06:17 what you are looking for you need to know that you are an absolute catch that someone would be lucky to be with you. You need to believe that you deserve to have good experiences. Again, when we've had so many negative experiences, when we've been on so many bad dates and we've been ghosted so many times, or we've just not had the experience that we actually want, it can be hard to keep the faith that what we desire is possible. But you really do deserve to have these positive experiences. So you need to believe that you are worthy of them and that they exist. Again, I don't like to get too carried away in the over-romanticising and the fantasising about what it could be like, but there has probably been a time in your life where you had a good

Starting point is 00:07:03 positive experience of meeting someone new. Even if it wasn't a first day, there was a moment where you connected with a new friend or where you just had a good conversation with someone whilst you were waiting for your coffee or whatever it was. You know that first meets can be good. You've got that evidence there. where you have in the past met someone for the first time and clicked instantly. And as I said, it doesn't matter if it's not a romantic, like in a romantic scenario. But even just as a friend, you've had those positive experiences before. So when you go into a first day with that same mindset and that same energy around,

Starting point is 00:07:43 okay, this could be really positive or I'm going to have a really good time no matter what. And you are open in that respect. You are going to enjoy yourself so much more. Because you won't be sat there spending the whole time thinking, what does he think of me? Do I even like him? I don't like he's short, so I'm not sure this is a good thing. But you're going to be focusing on just enjoying yourself and just making the most of that experience, regardless of what happens at the end.

Starting point is 00:08:12 So you don't need to put your pressure on the other person to make you have a good day, although obviously that is an absolute bonus if you are enjoying your first date and it's because of them, absolutely wonderful but what I don't want you to do is like get back in the dating arena or continue in the dating arena and then feel like every first day is a waste of your time because you're relying on the other person to make it really good for you so I think that's all I want to say on this subject for this week because I don't I don't think I need to add to that like I think it's pretty clear what I'm going to say so let's move on to happy hour we're going to have like a short and sweet episode this week can you tell that I'm like recording this last minute

Starting point is 00:08:50 because I'm in a rush. I'm like, oh my God, I've got to get this out. Yeah, we're going to have a short and sweet episode this week. So on to Happy Hour. Okay, today's Happy Hour is, again, unofficially sponsored by the Kenko sachets of vanilla coffee. Because it's the first thing in the morning and I need to wake the fuck up. So we're doing this again, except today we've got it hot. I'm pretty sure last time I had it as an iced coffee. So we are sip, sip, sipping away on the vanilla flavor.

Starting point is 00:09:19 The vanilla flavor is my favorite. I think they've just bought out a new latte flavour, like creamy latte, but I'm not really a milk person, so probably not for me. But yeah, so cheers. I'm actually drinking this because I really need it by now. Okay, now it's time for hinge, cringe, and you best believe I have my folder here and ready. This one's kind of funny, like cringy, but also kind of funny. This person has responded to my photo and said, they say Disney World. is the happiest place on earth, but clearly they've never stood next to you. Oh, it's kind of cute really, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:09:59 It's cringy but cute, so it made me laugh. I'm definitely not the happiest place on earth. I've just got a really cheesy grin in the photo. So that is our short and sweet hinge cringe. This week, do you know what, I'm so excited because we have got our first voice note dating dilemma. I think I told you last week that I've set it up now so that you can actually send me your dating dilemma's fire voice note. So get those coming in because I don't have one for next week and I would really like another one. We have got our first one. So I'm

Starting point is 00:10:33 going to listen to it with you now and then I'm going to answer it. So I hold it up to the mic. Hi Rebecca. My dating dilemma is I'm a single mum and I'm recently going on dates but I don't feel very confident because I've never done it before. So how can I look confident without feeling it? Or how can I feel confident and look confident even when I'm not? Oh my god, this is such a good question. Thank you so much from Anonymous. Okay, going on first date, single mum, how can you look and feel confident? The first thing I would say is get yourself one or two first day outfits that make you feel incredible. So it doesn't have to be anything expensive,

Starting point is 00:11:21 you don't have to buy it and buy a whole new wardrobe, but just one or two outfits that could be used for multiple scenarios, so whether it's like an active day or whether it's a dinner day or going for a walk in the park, whatever it is. But get yourself something that as soon as you put it on, you feel your absolute best. And you know how to tell whether it's a good outfit or not, try it on just before your period.

Starting point is 00:11:44 You know, like a few days before you put it on, you get before your period and you have that like bloating and everything you wear makes you feel disgusting and you just hate the way that you look try the outfit on when you're in that state and if you still feel good about yourself that is your outfit that you need to be wearing on first date because that will make you feel so confident and I think that's the first thing is actually make it like actually doing yourself up so that you feel confident even if you don't feel it inside, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and go, I look fucking good, you are off to a great start. So if you wear makeup, do your makeup, if you like your hair a certain way, do your

Starting point is 00:12:23 hair a certain way. But I would also get yourself, like create yourself a little routine that doesn't take a lot of time because obviously if you're a single mom, you probably don't have three hours to prep for a first day, I imagine. Maybe you do, maybe you've got split custody, so you do actually have time. But if you have got limited time, you have. But if you have got limited time, to actually get yourself ready, then I'd work out like a little routine that you could do in, say, 15 minutes. That still makes you feel really good about yourself. My makeup routine takes me maybe like 15 minutes. I do pretty much the same thing every single day. So mine is super quick. It takes me longer to do my hair if I bother doing it. Actually, I pretty much always bothered doing it on a

Starting point is 00:13:01 first day. But my makeup routine is pretty, pretty quick. And I tend to have, I've got like one outfit that I wear, I have won for a few first dates because that makes me feel really good, but then also I kind of just wing it. But I would say, first of all, if you're not feeling that confident in yourself, get yourself that outfit, treat yourself. As I said, it doesn't have to be something expensive, it just needs to be something that makes you feel good. And I think it's also important that you get something that is your natural style. There's no point in you trying out a brand new style or trying to fit yourself into an aesthetic. that isn't in your comfort zone,

Starting point is 00:13:41 because when we wanna create confidence quite quickly, there has to be an element of comfort within that because it will make you feel more confident than you try in something brand new and then feeling like you're taking clothes from your mom's dressing up box, for example. So do that. I would also think about the way that you are talking to yourself before this date.

Starting point is 00:13:59 We can get really into our heads about what the date's gonna be like and is he gonna like the way that I'm dressed and is the conversation gonna flow and will they like me? you don't want to be trapped into that as you're getting ready. So what I would do instead is make sure you've got like a first date playlist on Spotify or YouTube or wherever you like to listen to your music.

Starting point is 00:14:19 Get yourself like a first date playlist. Put it on as you are getting ready so that you feel really freaking good about yourself. Play the music, sing, dance. And I would also be telling yourself as you're getting ready, I'm going to have an amazing first date. I feel so confident going on a first date. I'm going to have an amazing time. I am such a catch. I deserve to have good first dates. I deserve to meet someone. I'm going to show up to this first date full of confidence, whatever it is to almost brainwash yourself into that confidence. So instead of telling yourself all the negative things or spiraling into the negative what ifs, spiraling into all the positives without over romanticising it. So again, keep the focus on you. do. So I'm going to have a really good time. I'm going to make good conversation. I'm going to feel really confident on the first date. I'm going to make a good impression. I'm such an amazing catch. All the things that you are in control of rather than he's going to be so

Starting point is 00:15:20 amazing or I'm going to get on so well with him. Don't don't include that other person in this positive like what if spiral because as I said before, you can't control how that person reacts. And then when you're on the way to the day, this bit is the bit that I get the most nervous at. I'm normally fine, like getting ready, fine leaving the house. And then I get on the journey and I'm like, okay, now I've got a minute to actually think about what's going to happen. During that time, I like to focus on how I'm going to feel after the date. And this is what I used to do when I first got back into dating and I hadn't been on a first eight for like, well, about seven years because I've been in a relationship for five. But I'd been single for a few years, so I hadn't

Starting point is 00:16:02 being dating again and I used to think about when I was on the journey I used to think about how good I would feel at the end of the day like how proud of myself I would be how confident I would feel because I'd done it because confidence comes from taking action so the more first dates you go on the more confident you're naturally going to feed in yourself but I would really focus on that I desire to date someone I desire to find my person and look at me actually making the effort to make that happen. Look at me actually taking the brave action, actually going on the day, actually pushing myself out of my comfort zone. And that all breeds confidence. And then by the time you meet them at wherever you're meeting them, I like to meet people at stations because I feel

Starting point is 00:16:46 like if you meet someone at the station, and this is mainly just because I go on a lot of dates in London. So I like to meet people at the train station because I feel like you can meet there and then you can walk to wherever you're going together and that walk makes it it almost like takes the pressure off that little walk is kind of your icebreaker because you don't have to like face each other because obviously you walk in but you can have that a little bit of small talk where by the time you get to a restaurant or an activity you already feel like you know them a little bit more so then when it comes to sitting down and if you are face to face with someone then it's not as intimidating because you've already had those like few minutes of chit-chat. And then I think when

Starting point is 00:17:26 you get home from the day, I think it's really important to just reflect on how it went and to celebrate yourself for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and really acknowledging your bravery. And I know for some people going on a first date isn't something that feels brave. I know for some people it is completely natural and it comes easy to them and they can't care less about the fact that they're meeting someone new. But for those of us, myself included, that do feel like it's a brave thing, it's really important to just acknowledge that and just really reflect on the fact that you are actually leaving your comfort zone

Starting point is 00:18:02 and you are doing the brave thing. Because I think when you can reflect on that and you can see that it was a positive experience, even if it was a bad date, like bad dates make for funny stories. So there's never, unless it's obviously like a dangerous date, which touchwood haven't had.

Starting point is 00:18:17 I think even if it's a bad date, like it's a funny story that you can tell your friends. so it's not the end of the world. Okay, it's frustrating when it's like the fifth Thursday in the row and it's been shit, but it's still a funny story that you can tell people. So just reflect on that, reflect on what the experience was like and know that if you've done it once, you can go on another first date again. So I hope that that was helpful for you.

Starting point is 00:18:40 I hope that you, yeah, found that useful. I've just realised that I jumped straight into the dating dilemma and didn't update you on my dating life at the moment, but again, we don't really have anything to talk about there. I still can't find photos that I am happy with at the moment. So, I mean, that's just obviously an excuse. I've just been busy. I just haven't done it and that's fine. I'm starting a whole new business.

Starting point is 00:19:06 I'm like training in a brand new career. So that is my focus at the moment. But I promise you I'm going to get back on the day nap. So we will do that again soon. Right, I think that is going to be it from me this week. As I said, it is quite a short one this week. So I hope you enjoyed it. I will see you next week because,

Starting point is 00:19:21 have you noticed? We are back with weekly episodes. And not that I regret it, but I forgot how much work it is to get out a weekly episode. So that's fine. We're doing it. It's okay. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to The Date with Confidence Podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. you know, oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Oh, no no . Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - This Is The Energy You Need To Take With You On A First Date

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