The Date with Confidence Podcast - This Simple Concept Will Help You Date With Confidence

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

EPISODE 19: This Simple Concept Will Help You Date With ConfidenceWhether it's a first date, second, third, fourth date that fills you with anxiety…Or whether the idea of connecting with people on apps makes you feel sick…Or whether it's putting yourself out there for the first time if you've been single for a long time…Or you just want to enter a room feeling full of confidence instead of fear…The concept I’m sharing with you in this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast is going to help you feel confident in every aspect of dating (and other areas of your life!). Here are the key topics covered:1. Introduction to The 90/90 Mindset Concept: Discover the concept I created that encompasses the lessons, tools and techniques that have helped me to create unwavering self confidence over the past 12+ years.2. Understanding The 90/90 Mindset: Understand the first core principle of the concept that’ll have you waving buh-bye to unrealistic mindset goals and saying hello to an empowering mindset that’ll support you in your dating life.3. You Only Need 90 Seconds: Learn how just 90 seconds of confidence can help you transform the trajectory of your life and open you up to an abundance of possibilities.4. Three Layers of Confidence: We take a deep dive into the three layers of confidence you need to focus your attention on to feel confident on every date, help you set solid boundaries and raise your relationship standards. 5. Think Confident: Uncover the mindset that can negatively impact your dating experience and understand how to change your thought patterns to help you enjoy dating.6. Act Confident: Confidence comes from taking action and to help you take confident action, learn the instant confidence boosters that’ll shift your energy in seconds. 7. Feel Confident: Understand how to consciously create the feeling of confidence so you can conjure it up into your body whenever you need it. Remember, dating confidently isn't about perfection; it's about progress. Dive into these practices, transform your mindset, and watch how confidence becomes your natural state.Episodes Mentioned:Important Things I Tell Myself Before a First DateHow to Act & Feel Confident Before a First DateMindset Shifts You Need to Make Around DatingGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast. I wanted to dedicate an entire episode to the 90-90 mindset concept because this concept is really what is going to be able to help you date with confidence in every aspect. So whether it's a first date, whether it's second, third, fourth date, whether it's just connecting with people on apps, whether it's putting yourself out there for the first time, if you've been single for a long time, this concept is going to help you in every aspect of dating, of feeling confident dating, even when it comes to just replying to people in apps, because sometimes that can feel scary, it can feel nerve-wracking, especially if you haven't communicated with men for a long time like for me when I first started dating again after two and a half years of being single I split up with my ex

I'd we'd had the pandemic I've been single for a really long time I hadn't spoken to men in a long time and whilst I was very confident speaking to men when I was younger I felt like this big break that I'd had there was part of me that was like I don't know how to speak to men anymore and it was it was a little bit uncomfortable but what helped me was this concept the 1990 mindset concept and using this concept to help me build unwavering self-confidence and that's what the concept is going to do for you. Let's just dive straight into it. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your

host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups, you are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. So I have mentioned this concept in previous episodes, I've referred to it, I've talked about it but I wanted to dedicate an entire episode to it so that if you are looking to really focus on creating more confidence you've got this one place to continually refer back to to come back to this episode if you need a boost in confidence if something has knocked your confidence this is where you can come and if you want to really learn how to embody this concept and learn more about it on

a much deeper level and learn tools and techniques and strategies for becoming your most confident self in your everyday life then do check out the confidence course because that course was built on this concept so all the modules are dedicated to the core principles of this concept plus there are extra lessons to help you with things like creating solid boundaries in your relationships raising your relationship standards etc etc so go to the show notes check that out and if you're not ready to get the confidence course yet then do check out the confidence kit because that has a lot of free resources in there for you to help you create more confidence when you are dating so the 90 90 mindset concept is a concept that I created to help you feel confident in yourself every single day it really embodies everything that I've learned on my own journey

to confidence over the last 12 plus years. The principles of the concept are what's helped me to feel confident in my day-to-day life, including in my dating life. It's helped me to make decisions more easily, it's helped me to speak to strangers, it's helped me to actually say yes to these first dates it's helped me to get on public transport even if I was terrified it's helped me to put out this podcast I mean this was scary in itself like initially the podcast was going to be loads of educational how-to episodes and then it's transformed into this place where I share my stories, some of which are very vulnerable and personal. And if it wasn't for my own solid foundation of confidence and belief in myself, I never would have been able to put that out there in public. You would never have been

able to listen to it. The fact is I am so steady in who I am. I know that no matter what I share, no matter what the response is to what I share, I'm content and I accept and I love myself for who I am. And that comes from this concept of me really embodying this concept. And then on a much grander scale of things, it's helped me to do big scary things like asking for a promotion, asking for more money in job interviews, it helped me quit my job, it helped me backpack around the world on my own, it's helped me to make some massive life decisions and I'm really hoping that it will encourage you or help you create the kind of confidence you need to date with confidence and do big dramatic scary things, quit your job, travel the world. I also don't want to

be the reason that you do that because if it all falls to shit I don't want the responsibility. So it's essentially helped me to do the big things in life as well as the little everyday things and as I said my hope for you is that by introducing you to this concept you can start to embody this way of living too so that you can feel confident every day and on every date and you can get what you deserve in life including the most incredible relationship with your person your person of choice or people of choice if you prefer a polyamorous relationship which we're open to here as well now there are three core principles of the 90 90 mindset concept

and these are one we believe in becoming 90 confident 90 of the time two you only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life and three there are three layers of confidence you need to master in order to become confident every day so principle number one this idea of you only need to become 90 confident 90 of the time instead of trying to feel 100 confident 100 of the time aim for 90 100% of the time, aim for 90% confidence 90% of the time because the thing is, it is completely unrealistic and dare I say it impossible to feel confident 100% of the time. We are all human beings, we all have experiences that impact us, we all face challenges, we have obstacles to overcome, we have things that knock us. We all face challenges. We have obstacles to overcome.

We have things that knock us sideways. And when you aim for 100% confidence 100% of the time, you're striving for a goal that is impossible to achieve. And by striving for a goal that's impossible to achieve, you're actually doing more harm than good because there will come a point where you feel like you're failing because you can't reach or maintain that standard of 100% confidence. So no matter how hard you try,

you're never going to reach that top of the mountain. And this feels really frustrating when you're putting your all into something and not getting there, which in turn impacts how confident you feel in yourself because you're failing. So instead, aim for 90% confidence 90% of the time, because this is a much more realistic goal. You're giving yourself space, you're allowing yourself time not to be confident at all. You're accepting that you're human, and that there'll be moments where you don't feel confident. So let's have a little look at that in practice when it comes to dating. Now for many of us we've been in relationships that may have been toxic, that may have ended badly, we may have been in situationships that have knocked our confidence or been ghosted

by people, rejected by people and we've done a lot of work to heal ourselves, to break reoccurring patterns, to try and build up our self-esteem so that the next time we enter into a new relationship we are triggered or where an experience happens and it instantly throws us back into that past experience with the previous person. Now I'll use an example here, I was speaking to someone for a couple of weeks, we were messaging non-stop, getting to know each other and during that time there would be moments where my messages wouldn't deliver of me, the part of me who was very anxious about her partner going out, whenever my partner went out I was convinced he was going to cheat on me,

there would be times where he wouldn't come home all night or he'd come back at like six in the morning and not understand why I was upset about it and those moments made me feel very insecure I didn't trust him I didn't trust myself I didn't feel like I was enough to keep him if you like and so when I was messaging this new guy there were moments from my past where I was concerned or I would have that instant feeling of he's up to no good now I didn't know this guy we hadn't been on a date it didn't matter what he was up to because we weren't in that position where if he was seeing someone else it would be an issue obviously unless he was in a relationship with someone else which I don't think he was but I mean we never know but in those moments whilst I've got myself to this point where I'm very solid in who I am I'm very confident

myself I can communicate with guys I can go on dates without being nervous without feeling anxious there were moments throughout this communication that we were having for a few weeks where those past habits would come up and in those moments I did lose a little bit of confidence or I felt like I maybe couldn't trust myself or I was triggered and taken back to those past experiences now if I was aiming for 100% confidence 100% of the time in those moments where I faltered slightly or where I fell back into old patterns I might find an excuse to beat myself up or I might criticize myself or be overly self-judgmental because I would feel like oh I haven't made the progress I thought I was I thought I had but the reality is we're all human beings and we are all going to have moments

where our confidence is knocked. So instead of in those moments, instead of me beating myself up and getting frustrated that I couldn't trust this new guy, I just took a step back, accepted how I felt and then I made the conscious decision to choose different thoughts. I decided that I didn't want to take my past into what could be a new relationship and I made the conscious decision to choose not to believe anything negative about the messages not being delivered. I decided that the messages not being delivered were just one of those things. He was busy at work, he had no reception. And whether or not that was the truth, me worrying about the reasons why they weren't delivered was not going to do anyone any favours. So it was better for me to make that decision

to choose a different thought and to meet every new person with a blank slate rather than taking that pass into this which is I mean we didn't really need this story in here but I kind of wanted to give an example to you so that you can help kind of see this first principle in action so even if 90% of the time you are confident in dating, you're confident going on your first dates, you're not feeling anxious, you're trusting in these new people, that's wonderful. But allow yourself that 10% of the time where you do feel anxious, where you are overthinking, where you do fall into that panicky energy of, are they doing something wrong? Are they going to ghost me?

It's okay to go there. You just have to remember to pull yourself back out of it. Now, principle number two, you only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life. So this is change your life to make a decision that could open up a new possibility to you. 90 seconds to get what you want. So the truth is you don't even need to feel confident for 90% of the time when it comes to dating, like that is definitely something you can aim for. But in reality all you really need is 90 seconds of confidence to make a decision that will propel you forwards towards that relationship you dream of. So that decision could be signing up on the dating apps. That decision could be being really vulnerable in

the profile that you're writing, in your dating profile. That decision could be responding to someone's message when they ask you out on a date. That decision could be agreeing to go on the date. That decision could be turning up to the date. That decision could be agreeing to go on the date. That decision could be turning up to the date. That decision could be messaging someone after they've taken you on a date and saying thank you I had a really great time I'd love to see you again. If you can think, act and feel confident in yourself for just 90 seconds you can say yes to a new opportunity that could lead you towards the love and the relationship that you deserve and that could change the trajectory of your life all you need is those 90 seconds and it doesn't matter if you say yes to a first date and then for the next

three days before the date you're freaking out out. That's absolutely fine because you had the courage and the confidence to say yes to the date in the first place. And then what you're going to do is all the work in the episodes that I've recorded previously, which are important things I tell myself before a first date, how to act and feel confident before a first date, and the mindset shifts around dating you need to make immediately, which I'll link in the show notes for you. they're the episodes that you're going to go back and listen to to ensure that you are feeling your most confident self before you get into those first dates but use that 90 seconds if you get a message come through that says to you I'd love to take you

out conjure up feelings of confidence tell yourself that you want to go on the date act in a way that your most confident self would behave and then respond to that message and say that would be lovely or obviously if you don't want to go on that don't go on the date that's absolutely fine as well now principle number three is the biggest principle and this is what we've covered the most in previous episodes. So principle number three of the 90-90 mindset concept is that there are three layers of confidence you need to master in order to become 90% confident 90% of the time, aka confident every day. So layer one is think confident.

This is really about you changing your inner narrative and switching the stories that you have on repeat in your mind when it comes to dating. So what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality. So when it comes to dating, if you believe that all men are trash, the dating apps don't work, guys are just looking for sex, they only want to play games, then chances are that's the experience that you will live these things will become a self-fulfilling prophecy because that's the energy you'll take into online dating so let me explain with these examples so Sarah has this mindset the mindset that all men are trash they're're only after sex, the negative mindset around dating.

She finds dating frustrating, a disappointment, a chore that she needs to do because she wants to meet someone. Every time she's scrolling or someone swipes right on her, she starts judging his profile, trying to find flaws and attaching any negative experiences she's had in the past to this unsuspecting guy she's never met. Before they even begin chatting she has her guard up and expects things to go sour or not work out like the fantasy she has in her head. When she begins to engage in conversation she's already in the energy of this guy's gonna fuck me around. She communicates as if he's already been like the others. She might be clingy, anxious, impatient if he doesn't reply or she might be blunt, sarcastic, judgmental or critical. Neither of these scenarios are empowering for her. She's not confident in

herself, she's not self-assured, she's not unapologetically herself because she's acting from a wounded place based on the stories she's telling herself. Those stories being men are trash etc. Now how can you truly connect with someone when you're in that headspace? The answer is you can't. You can't build a genuine authentic connection with someone when you're coming from that place and this is where the self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play. They will start to vibe off the energy that you put out there. If you're closed off, anxious, blunt or standoffish they will feel it and then they won't make the effort to connect with you. Instead Lisa is open to possibilities, detached from the outcome

and willing to see each new match as a fresh start. She sees dating as something she wants to do. She leaves the bullshit men in the past and chooses not to make assumptions about the new man until she's got to know him. Now Lisa, like all of us, has had shitty experiences in the past. She's been ghosted, dumped by text, had someone call things off after telling her he didn't want to date anyone else. She's been on crappy dates and she has had her fair share of dickheads in her DMs. But instead of carrying that into the future, she embraces a whole new mindset. She embraces the think confident mindset from the 90-90 mindset concept. She says things to herself like, dating is so much fun. I love to use dating apps. It's so

interesting to meet new people. Every first date I go on is going to be awesome each new dating experience is taking me closer to the one I am solid in who I am and I know that if they can't see that they are not my person I can handle anything that comes my way with this open enthusiastic excitable energy Lisa enjoys matching with new people and going on new dates. She doesn't pin her hopes on someone and equally she doesn't expect them to disappoint her. This open to possibilities, detached from the outcome mindset means that she is enjoying her dates. She's having fun, she's not self-conscious or worried about it needing to be a perfect date and while she's still had a few negative experiences with people,

haven't we all? Instead of dwelling on them, she accepts it and adds it to her bank of dating disaster stories that she can tell her friends over a wine. I know it can be hard to control your thoughts, but if you are feeling more like Sarah in these scenarios, I really want to encourage you to try and shift your mindset at the end of the day that the only person it'll affect is you the guy on the other end won't give

a shit so make dating an enjoyable experience for yourself by changing the way that you think think confidently you can also go back and listen to the episode mindset shifts you need to make around dating because that will help you transform the way you think about dating in general when you change the thoughts that you have about dating when we come back to the think confident mindset the think confident layer of the 1990 mindset concept when you change your thoughts you start to develop new beliefs and those beliefs encourage you to act in a different way, as we've just seen with the example between Sarah and Lisa.

The actions you take with these more empowering beliefs can lead you closer to the end goal. The end goal being love, marriage, a healthy relationship, whatever you want it to be so the next time you notice yourself saying something negative about dating try and switch your thinking and start repeating I love dating dating always works out for me I'm having so much fun there's an endless possibility of incredible men that I could meet say Say something more empowering to yourself and in the confidence course I actually share six different strategies to help you transform your mindset and change your inner narrative for good and whilst the confidence course is very much a general course for confidence every strategy and technique and tip within the course can be applied to dating

and relationships so do check that out if this is something that you really want to work on. The second layer of confidence you need to work on is act confident. So this layer is all about the practical actions you can take to help you take action before you're ready and to help you feel more confident when you do throw yourself into the world of dating. Now let me be honest with you, if you are scared about dating, if you are nervous, if you are anxious, there is never going to be a moment where you feel ready for it. Most people wait until they feel confident enough to do the scary thing. So they might say to themselves, when I feel more confident, I will put myself on the dating apps.

When I love myself more, I will put myself on the dating apps. When I feel better about myself, I'll say yes to a date. But the confidence comes from taking action. You can do mindset work for hours and hours every day, but nothing will make you feel confident in yourself, like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, taking a risk or saying yes to a date before you feel ready. When you agree to put yourself out there and you sign up for your dating apps, go on a first date, go on a second date, you will create a new layer of confidence that can only come from you taking action. Now there are practical exercises you can take to act with confidence even if you don't feel confident. So these are kind of the fake it till you make it

type exercises that can help you appear confident on the outside even if inside you are not feeling confident in yourself at all. So three of my favourite instant confidence boosters are adjusting my posture. It literally takes seconds for you to roll your shoulders back, sit up straight and lift your head up. Do it now and notice how your energy instantly shifts as you take up more space. Now if you're having a conversation with someone and they ask you out on a date and you're feeling a bit nervous or you're doubting yourself, instantly shift your posture, sit up taller, lift your chin up roll your shoulders back and notice how you expanding into the space makes you feel more confident in yourself and then reply to the message from that energy of I am more confident than I perhaps feel another thing I like to use for an instant

confidence boost is what I call confidence anchors. So these are especially good if you are planning to go on a first date, if you're getting ready for a first date. There's something that we touched on in the episode how to act and feel confident before a first date if you want to go back and listen to that. But a confidence anchor for me is something like a bold lipstick. It's a certain perfume that I wear. It's a piece of jewellery. Anything that I can physically put on that helps me step into my most confident self. And again, this literally takes seconds to do. But as I apply that anchor, it's almost like I physically remember feelings of being at my most confident self and it helps me to act with confidence. And then one of my favourite things

is mirror work. So every time I pass a mirror I make sure to look at myself in the eyes and smile. When I have time to spare I spend a few more minutes looking deep into my eyes and repeating things like I love you, I'm so proud of you, you are worthy of love. It's so easy for us to dish out the compliments to other people and strangers in fact but how often do you compliment yourself? You're not being full of yourself, you're not being arrogant, you're showing yourself the love that you deserve and whilst this exercise can feel incredibly uncomfortable to start with, I really want to encourage you to start practicing it because it has been one of the best exercises that has helped me to completely transform the

way I feel about myself and about my body and because I've managed to fall in love and accept myself for who I am right now, that has really helped me to show up on dates as my authentic self. And it's helped me to connect with people in a much deeper way because I'm not sat there thinking, do my arms look big in this outfit? Or, oh God, I feel so bloated. I hope he doesn't notice. I really love my body the way it is. And yes, there are things that I'm working on, but I love and accept myself for who I am right now as well and mirror work has really helped me to transform that, transform my body confidence so I really want to encourage you to try it no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Then the third layer of confidence to work on based on the 1990 mindset concept is the feel confident layer. So this layer

is about consciously choosing to conjure up feelings of confidence on a daily basis. Now yes you can do this before a first date, you can do this when you're getting ready for a first date but also I want to encourage you to do this every single day regardless because when you get into the habit of conjuring up these feelings, confidence is going to become your natural default state. Not 100% of the time, 90% of the time. So soon you won't even need to consciously say to yourself, oh I need to work on my mindset or oh I need to do this to become more confident in myself. You will just naturally be more confident in yourself. So again, instead of waiting to feel the feelings of confidence when

you've done something brave or when your inner narrative's been cheering you on, this is about you choosing to create the feelings of confidence within your body right now. It's also about you releasing any stagnant energy from your body and shifting into feeling positive, happy and confident. Now whilst there will be mornings where you wake up with feelings of confidence flooding through your body, for the most part it does take practice for you to actively work to feel confident. When you learn how to conjure up these feelings of confidence you'll be able to shift back into confidence throughout the day quickly and easily. There are many exercises that can help with this. Practices like EFT tapping, hypnosis, meditation or breath work are some of the things

that I do regularly but one of my favourite exercises is visualisation. I simply spend five minutes each morning before I get out of bed visualising confidence flooding through my body. I picture it starting at my toes and steadily making its way towards the top of my head. This means that by the time I get out of bed I'm already feeling confident in myself and I'm ready for an amazing day. Inside the confidence kit, my free resource for helping you become confident every day, I've got a five minute morning meditation to help you bring feelings of confidence into your body. You can listen to it every morning or you can hit play on it before you're about to go on a

first date so that you know you're going to head into that day feeling your most confident self. Now these three layers don't have to be worked on in any order. Typically the think confident layer will be practices that you do daily for perhaps 10 or 15 minutes so they're exercises like journaling affirmations mindset monologues and empowerment lists these are probably the most useful tools to help you create self-awareness and change your inner narrative act confident exercises are things that you can do multiple times a day in under 90 seconds they are also the practices that you really want to reach for when you're standing at the train station waiting for your date to arrive. When

you're making a cup of tea, take a second to adjust your posture. When you're washing your hands, smile at yourself in the mirror. These practices won't transform your life on their own or particularly quickly but they enhance the mindset and the energetic work you do and as I said they are the best tools to reach for when you are in a situation where you need to grab confidence quickly and for me the feel confident practices are things that I do less often but are more intense so this is the energy work kind of stuff and I typically do things like EFT, breath work, yoga or hypnosis once or twice a week. What's important is that you consciously work on each of these layers. You'll notice how over time

you steadily begin to feel more confident in yourself on a daily basis and that is going to translate into your dating life as well and not only your dating life this is going to translate when you are in relationships too. Because the more confident you feel in yourself, the less you're going to need to seek validation from your partner. The less you're going to put yourself down in front of your partner. Now, we're all guilty of it. There are times where I put myself down too. But when you are constantly pointing out your flaws or picking at the things that you don't like about yourself it's not attractive I don't find it attractive when men pinpoint their flaws to me and I know

men don't find it attractive when women do the same and it's different when you're in a relationship and perhaps your period's due and you feel like shit and you're bloated and you're struggling by all means share that with your partner but you don't want to spend every single day going I look disgusting your partner is with you because they fancy you because they love you because they love your body because they find you attractive when you continually say negative things about yourself it can be really off-putting so you want to get to a place where you love yourself and you accept yourself for exactly who you are right now regardless of whether you've got a partner or whether you're dating whether you're just happy

being single like really embrace who you are now each of these three layers complements the other and when you master all three you'll easily become 90 confident 90 of the time so remember these practices take time to build unwavering confidence. It's not just a case of journaling for a week, feel more confident and that's it, the end. Even when you are doing this work there will still be days or moments or first dates where you lack confidence and that's absolutely okay because you are a human being. I've been working on myself in this way for over 12 years now and I still have moments of self-doubt moments where I criticize my body or days where I don't feel confident and I'm stood at that train

station and I just want to run away from the date that I'm supposed to be meeting but in those moments I don't give up on my tools and say that they don't work I'm compassionate with myself I remind myself I'm human and I choose practices that will help take me into more confidence again we are all a work in progress not a work in perfection so I really hope that me sharing this concept with you in this much depth has helped you to understand how you are going to be your most confident self when it comes to dating everything I've shared in here can be applied to your dating life to your recovery after a breakup life to your future relationships or your current relationships if you are in a relationship if you have any questions about this concept then please do get in touch if you would like to contribute to the date with confidence podcast then you can go to

datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute and as I've mentioned before I've got some resources in the show notes that can really help you there is the confidence course which will help you to dramatically transform your mindset your overall sense of self and will help you build unwavering self-confidence in all areas of your life and particularly as this is a dating podcast there is a section where we will help you to raise your relationship standards so that you never have to settle for shit again you know what you deserve you know what the kind of relationship that you are worthy of the confidence course is going to help you have that relationship and there is the free resource

the confidence kit which you can download now to access nine lots of 90 second confidence boosters there is also a workbook in there with seven types of journaling exercises you can do to create more confidence and you'll get that free guided visualization to help you conjure up more feelings of confidence every single morning thank you so much for listening and I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.