The Date with Confidence Podcast - Watch Out: 7 Easy To Ignore Red Flags I'm No Longer Available For

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

EPISODE 56: Watch Out: 7 Easy To Ignore Red Flags I'm No Longer Available ForHave you ever been on a date with someone and something’s just felt….off?You can’t put your finger on it because it��s not an “in your face” red flag, but your intuition is telling you something isn’t quite right.As you reflect on the date(s), you realise there were subtle red flags that’d be easy to miss had you not been working so hard on yourself…..In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I dive deep into the seven easy-to-ignore red flags I’m no longer tolerating in relationships. These red flags are subtle but crucial to recognise if we want to raise our relationship standards and avoid settling for the wrong person.I share my personal experiences over the last year, reflecting on how I’ve become more attuned to these signs now that I'm in my 30s.From how someone speaks about their ex to the effort they put into a relationship, this episode will help you identify red flags you might be overlooking and encourage you to trust your instincts when dating.Here’s a brief overview of what we discuss:1. Spotting subtle bitterness and resentment towards past partners2. The significance of how someone talks about strangers or makes spiteful, unnecessary  judgements3. Recognising when someone's words don’t match their actions (even if it’s a “little” thing)4. Understanding the importance of mutual effort in the early stages of dating5. How a partner’s response to your boundaries reveals their true character and why you should walk away when they don’t respect you6. The importance of honesty about lifestyle choices early on and knowing your deal breakers before you start dating7. Why their reaction to your feelings matters and what it says about respect in the relationshipThis episode offers practical insight for anyone striving to date more consciously and confidently.Mentioned:He Asked Me to Send PhotosDating Advice: Is This Really a Red Flag?The Confidence CourseGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.ResourcesThe 9 Red Flags You Need to Stop Ignoring ImmediatelyThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.Follow your host Rebecca Hawkes on Instagram and TikTok. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast. In this episode, I'm gonna talk about the seven easy to ignore red flags I'm no longer available. Now this has come from a lot of reflection and retrospection. Is that a word, retrospection? Retro, oh, I don't know.

It's coming from like reflection over the last year where I've like fully embraced my dating era and a few of these red flags I kind of knew when they happened I was like okay this person's not for me and some of them have been a bit more I've thought about them quite a bit after the event has happened and that's why I've called them like easy to ignore red flags because they're very subtle they're not like the big like love bombing or being secretive or like I don't know teasing you or whatever it is like they're they're quite um I think they're quite subtle and they're things I definitely either didn't notice or actively ignored in my

20s whereas now I'm in my 30s they're things that are really important to me and things that I'm just no longer available for and from now on which I've actively been putting in place this past year when these things happen I'm like okay no I'm done now I'm leaving this situation and the ones that I'm going to share are a mixture of what's happened over dating the last year and then I think there's like one or two that have been replicated in pretty much every relationship I've ever been in and now I'm in my 30s I'm like yeah, yeah, I'm not here for this anymore. So hopefully these will be things for you to think about as well, if you haven't thought about them before, or maybe you've been uncertain about whether these are red flags or not.

But this is my personal experience and things that I think are really important that we acknowledge as red flags, so that we can ensure we're not settling for the wrong person and we're keeping our relationship standards high to what we want so all the things in this list these aren't part of my standards these are things that I'm actively moving away from and I've actively chosen I don't want to date someone that does these things because of the work that I did to raise my relationship standards after my last big breakup I wrote the lesson on it for the confidence course two years ago and then I revisited my

relationship standards I actually went through this module of the confidence course myself again so I redid my own work which is kind of how I came to the conclusion as well it wasn't the deciding factor but I'd been thinking about coming to the conclusion of ending things with a guy that was seeing and then an event happened that I was like this has confirmed things for me I'm not available for this um so I think this is really yeah I think I think this is work that we all need to be doing in terms of raising your relationship standards and deciding what you're no longer available for and what you are available for because it also makes it easier to walk away when you realize that someone isn't meeting your standards and it is

perfectly okay for you to have standards it does not mean you are high maintenance it does not mean that you are picky it does not mean that you are what's the other thing that people call you it doesn't mean you're like full of yourself or I can't think of the words I'm trying to look for but essentially you're allowed to have standards and the sooner you get clear on your standards the sooner you'll be able to date more confidently and you'll be able to walk away from what isn't serving you. This is a very long introduction, let's just get into the episode. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been with practical episodes

that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident af on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends so the first one is the way that they speak about an ex or other people they've dated now the reason that i've put this in here is an easy to ignore one is because there are different levels to this

so you have the standard like she was a psycho she was crazy like all that kind of very obvious um like very obvious hate or anger or resentment towards an ex that's a very obvious red flag when someone calls their ex a psycho because chances are the person has behaved a certain way because of how they've been treated right not in all cases but in the majority of cases whereas there are more subtle ways that aren't as easy to pick up on as red flags so one example i've got here is i went on a date with someone and they were talking about the fact that we were talking about dating in general and dates that we'd been on and they were talking about the fact that they had dated this um they'd been on a date with a girl or woman really really liked her agreed to a second date and then something happened in this

person's personal life so they cancelled the second date And the response that he said was, well, she got a meal out of me. Now that might not seem like a massive thing, but it was the way that it was like, she got something out of me. I didn't get anything back. I was expecting the second date. I didn't get my second second date but she got this out of me it was quite a quite an not a great not full-on aggressive but the way that it was said is it's that she got something out of me and I didn't get anything in return and I don't believe in owing someone something just because they took me on a date and neither should you like you don't owe anyone anything when they have taken you on a date and when they have chosen to pay for you so when they have made the decision as a grown adult that they want to pay for your meal you don't then owe them something

because they decided to do that. That was their decision. That was their choice. And if they are doing that from an expectation that they will get something in return, whether that's a second date, whether that's sex, whether that's a relationship, whatever it is, that's a massive red flag right there. So that's, that's one of them, the more subtle way that somebody talks about an ex or someone that they have dated. The second easy to ignore red flag that I've put on this list is men specifically. So if you're a man listening to this, then this is something to be conscious of. But for a woman, if a man speaks, it's the, it's really the way that a man speaks about his female relatives or friends so I went on a date with a guy and we were talking about his sister and he

was saying that his sister was I think she was older than him but she wasn't dating anyone she was single because she's on the bigger side. They were the words that he used or around like that, that kind of thing and it was something along the line, he was like, you know, she was, she's on the bigger side. Now, if a man can talk like that about his sister because she doesn't look the shape that magazines tell us we're supposed to look or social media tells us we're supposed to look, then what the fuck's gonna happen if you're with this guy and you get pregnant and obviously you put on a ton of weight or what happens if as you age you naturally put on weight or what happens if your body changes shape during your relationship are they suddenly gonna dump you is their

expectation gonna be that your body needs to look a certain way for them to be with you like the fuck is that this was like a massive I mean not a massive red flag because obviously it's a subtle one but this was a bit of a red flag to me and a lot of people it wouldn't be a red flag because it is that subtle he's not necessarily been nasty as such but to say that the reason that your sister is single is because she is is because she looks bigger than someone else or because she weighs more is utterly ridiculous and it's really quite misogynistic is misogynistic the word that i want to use i don't know whether it is or not but it's not a nice thing is it like i would not want to date someone who believed that women had to be a certain shape or size to be worthy of being in a

relationship i think that's what it boils down to like you accept me for how my body looks whether it changes whether it stays the same whether it gets skinnier whether it gets fatter like whatever my body looks like you accept me for who I am just as I will accept you if you are my partner as you are and then the next one is like very much in this theme of the way that they talk about other people so how they talk about strangers or people walking down the streets and the judgment that they make about people that they don't know i think when somebody is overly judgmental of someone who isn't the same as them to me that screams closed-minded not available for other people's opinions or thoughts or cultures or religions or

anything like that like for example i was i was with um I was dating someone and we were going along in the car and there was a girl taking a photo of herself in a shop window and the response was oh my god what a fucking like fucking influencers what an idiot and I was like what and he was just like well look at her like taking a photo in the window what a fucking idiot like all these influencers nowadays on social media like they don't work hard or something along those lines and I was just like you literally have no clue who this person is you know nothing about them yet the spite coming out of your mouth towards them is so it's such an unattractive trait and it's just so unnecessary like I am very much a person who is like let people live their lives doing whatever they want obviously

there are parameters around that in terms of like as long as they're not hurting people killing people violent people like that kind of thing like you know that you know you know what i'm talking about but if someone wants to take a photo of themselves in the shop window and put it on social media what the fuck has it got to do with you like how does that impact your life in any way how can you have such a spiteful reaction to someone who is literally just living their life and how someone talks about other people in that way who talks about strangers as i said talks about strangers in the street or online like someone who is that judgmental of people i see that again as like a really subtle red flag like it's easy to ignore it but if you can talk about somebody so spitefully that you have no no clue who they are then how are you going to talk about people that you do know

and again like what's like what's it got to do with you why can't you just let other people live like i don't i think that's quite a toxic trait to have the fourth easy to ignore red flag that i have in my list is when their stories don't match up now this is an obvious red flag right like this is an obvious thing if they're telling you one thing and then doing something else that's really fucking obvious but we don't always pick up on it the first time it happens and i think especially when you're in the stage of like dating someone new it can take a little while for you to realize or for you to even be in a situation where their stories don't marry up so for example I was dating someone and I think on one of their on one of the first dates or even before we'd gone a day gone on a date they told me that they

weren't on dating apps like they they didn me that they weren't on dating apps like they they didn't they didn't go on dating apps or they hadn't been on dating apps for a while but then a little while later like a couple of weeks or a couple of dates in they said that they deleted their dating apps when we'd started dating and I was just like because they'd said something about being on a dating app and I was like oh I thought you said you weren't on dating apps and it was oh no I deleted them when we started dating and I was and it's it was like a really subtle thing but you know you're like well why did you not just tell me that in the first place why did you tell me that you're not on dating apps but then actually it turns out you are and now you've just said that and there was another occasion where someone that I was dating said that they only

smoked occasionally now I used to be a smoker I quit I think it'd be nine years in October so it's a very long time ago that I quit and having spent the last three years two years three years watching my granddad be on oxygen 24 7 because of severe COPD from all the years that he smoked I do not like one of my standards for myself and my relationship is that I'm not with a smoker because I one I like I can't like it's not that I can't stand it like I still get cravings for it now but I don't like the smell of it I don't want to be with someone that smokes because of the health reasons I don't want to grow old with someone that I'm then gonna have to look after because of something they have specifically done to their body and if I have kids I don't want my partner

to be smoking like I just it's a no for me it's a hard no for me so when this person said they only smoked occasionally when drinking I was kind of like borderline with it I was like you know what we'll give them a chance it's once in a blue moon I'm not going to be around it we'll think about it and then it turned out that when I spent time with them they were smoking like every day and that bothered me again because it was like you've changed you've told me one thing in the early dating process it's like you've told me one thing initially but then as we're getting to know each other it turns out that that was that wasn't the truth so what else are you lying about so they're only subtle things but when their stories don't

match up i think it's really important because if you can't be truthful about the tiny things then how am i going to trust you being truthful about big things another easy to ignore red flag and i've done this in like every relationship like i shit you not pretty much every single relationship when you're the one making all the effort and but they only want to see you when it's convenient for them so I would always be the one that'd be like I'll come to you I'll do what you want me to do I'll be where you want me to be like I'll get the bus to you I'll like I'll drive to yours at the middle of the night or I don't know whatever it is like I'll make all the effort I'll organize the dates like

I'll put in all of the effort but then they only want to put in the effort when it's convenient or when they decide that they want to and again these can be really subtle things in the early dating process it's not so much like when you're in a relationship longer term that can be really obvious and it can just be a case of i don't know maybe you need a bit more open communication about what your expectations are but in the early stages especially when you've just started dating someone and it's always you saying well when am I next gonna see you or making the effort or for example the guy that I was seeing at the start of the year we went for a whole month without seeing each other because I didn't have any weekends free

to go to his house and stay with him but at no point did he put in the effort to say let's go on a date let's meet up halfway let's go out for dinner like let's do something that doesn't involve you coming to my house let's speak on the phone like he didn't want to speak on the phone and he would just not yeah like not suggest seeing me at all and I'm not okay with that like I'm not okay with being the one that puts in the effort I want someone who is so certain about me they are like I've booked just a table for here tonight or next week let's go and do this or oh you're not free at the weekend okay let's meet up for drinks after work one evening whatever it is like put in the effort I want to be part of an equal team where we're both we're both not it's not about prioritizing each other because I think

it's important that you prioritize yourself in a relationship just in terms of like self-care and making sure your needs are met and that kind of stuff but prioritizing each other equally so that you're both making the effort to plan dates to do things together to cook dinner and then when it goes into like a longer term relationship they should be putting in as much effort to do the things like chores like shit like that you know so I think in the early stages it's important to recognise these really subtle red flags, because what might seem really subtle in the early days can become something so much bigger in a relationship when you're longer term. The penultimate one on my list, I love that word,

I don't use it often enough. The penultimate thing that I've got on this list I love that word and I don't use it often enough the penultimate thing that I've got on this list here is the way that they respond to your no and I've got a few examples here so if they get defensive so if you say no about something and they get defensive and they're like I was dating this guy and he asked me for a photo and I said no and he was like oh go on like and I was just like no like I don't I don't send photos to people that I'm dating I think this is even before we'd gone on a date I was like no I don't send photos to people that I haven't met and he was just like oh well I didn't mean a cheeky one I meant just uh like I just meant a normal photo which I talk about more in the episode he lied to me um which I'll share in the

show I'll share that in the show notes that you can go back and listen to that for the full story but essentially he wanted me to send a photo and then he was just like oh well I didn't mean a cheeky one it was like you don't need to be defensive about it like I don't care what you meant I don't send photos to people that haven't met or if they tell you you're overreacting so I've been in countless scenarios where someone has asked me to do something or said something and I've said no and then they've told me that I'm overreacting I'm making a scene I'm being dramatic again these are things that I didn't recognize as much when I was in my 20s because I was just like, oh, well, they just want me to compromise, if you like. But it really shows a lack of respect when someone can't hear your no and accept it.

Then another way of the way that they respond to your no is things like repeatedly pushing against it to try and get you to change your mind I had the same conversation three four five times with the guy that I was seeing at the start of the year where he asked me for um where he asked something of me and I was like no no and I repeatedly said no and then it got to the point where he asked me again and I was just like I've said no so many times these are all the reasons why I've said no and he came back and was like oh well I was just joking and I was like but it's not a joke though is it because I've said no to you four times now I've repeatedly asked you to respect my no and you haven't you have repeatedly said oh but can you oh but can you and're not. And then we had a bit of a

discussion around that, because it really shows a lack of respect and whether he tells himself in his mind that it's not a big deal, and it's only a joke, and I'm only messing around, when you're on the receiving end. And when you have been on the receiving end as a woman I'm sure you understand as well when you have repeatedly had your no ignored time and time again it gets very frustrating it is not a joke so when you're dating someone and they can't accept your no it is a red flag even if they mask it with oh I was only messing like no my no is a no if you don't respect that you're a red flag I'm out I am not available for it anymore if you cannot respect my no you do not respect me therefore I don't want to be with you I refuse to be in a relationship with someone

who doesn't have mutual respect for me I feel like I've got a bit ranty there now okay the last one that I have in this list is how they respond to you when you are sharing something vulnerable so if you're sharing your feelings and this isn't about them gaslighting you or them telling you to be that you're being dramatic there's more subtle ways than that and I've got another example I was dating someone and I shared that I'd had a week where I was just feeling really rejected by life in general I'd had stuff going on in my business, I'd had a situation where I felt rejected by a friend, I'd felt rejected by the person that I was seeing because I hadn't had much communication with them during the week and that wasn't about them,

that was about how I was feeling. I know that I'm sensitive to rejection because of the ADHD so I knew that the week was about me it wasn't about them and I shared quite openly that I had a week where I was just struggling really I just felt like I was rejected from all angles of my life and I'd found it quite hard and I I said it quite openly and quite vulnerably and I said look it's nothing to do with you but this is just how I have felt this week and we had that conversation and then instead of them proactively making the effort to not make me feel so rejected or to reassure me they turned the tv on and started watching telly and I was just in a space where I was like I have been really open and honest with you I'm really

vulnerable about how I'm feeling I've shared that I'm feeling rejected and your response was to turn the tv on which is a micro rejection from where I'm sitting instead of listening to me and saying okay how can I make you feel better or I'm sorry that you felt that way or do you want to carry on talking shall we go and do something the tv got turned on and then they started watching telly so things like that when someone responds to you sharing your feelings by not listening or caring or acknowledging or going on to do the thing that you've just shared was upsetting for you, that is a red flag to me because that shows that you're not emotionally mature or emotionally available enough to be able to have that conversation with me. And that's a big deal. Again, like that was a really subtle example in what I'd consider the early stages of dating. how is that gonna look six months 12 months three years down the line when I'm sharing something open with you and your response is to essentially ignore me or go and do the thing that I've just

shared that's upsetting me like I'm not available for that I want someone who can have these emotionally vulnerable conversations with me just like like I'm saying I'm obviously making this all about me because this is my fucking podcast and it's my life experience but that is how I would respond in a relationship if I was in if my partner came to me and shared something open and honest and vulnerable to me I wouldn't then be like I'm gonna shut you out now because I don't want to deal with this and I'm just gonna switch on the tv right like it works both ways these are my standards and my expectations for the relationship that I want to be in because I know that I will deliver the same standards and expectations to the partner that I am with I hold myself to high standards and because I hold myself

to high standards I expect the person that I am dating and the person that I'm in a relationship with to have those high standards for themselves and I expect that of them so I hope that this has maybe helped you think about things in a different way maybe it's helped you to recognize some red flags that you weren't aware of before maybe there are some things that you disagree with I'm always open for discussion so if you want to contribute your stories to the date with confidence podcast if you want to respond to this episode if you had have red flags that you want to share or things that you want to discuss then you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com

contribute you can share your stories your ics dating tips whatever you want to share get involved we have a community episode on the second week of every month I would love to hear from you I've also got a whole episode on other red flags like is it a red flag or not which I'll link in the show notes plus the episode that I said that I would link before which I've obviously forgotten about when I go back and edit this I'll remember what episode it was and I'll be able to link that in the show notes for you as well so go listen to those and thank you so much for listening I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends you