The Date with Confidence Podcast - Were They Really Your Best Friend? 6 Signs Your Ex Wasn't 'The One'

Starting point is 00:00:00 Were they really your best friend? I've been in five relationships since I was 17. One fizzled out after two years, one was destined to be temporary, one ended in a screaming match and me moving to another island, and two ended in catastrophic heartbreak. They were unexpected and shook me to my core. And after both of these breakupsups I kept repeating the same thing to myself but he was my best friend. I felt like I'd lost more than just a lover and if you're listening to this I'm sure you can relate but were they really your best friend? Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or

Starting point is 00:00:45 relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends.

Starting point is 00:01:22 In this episode, I'm going to talk about a topic that is bound to bring up some discomfort for you so apologies in advance but this really needs to be said and i know this needs to be said because i heard it after my last breakup and it changed the game for me it was like a light bulb went off and i was like oh hmm maybe not And it actually helped me to move on. So I'm hoping that by sharing this with you, it will help you be able to move on from your breakup too. And I'm also gonna share six signs that your ex wasn't the one to reinforce the fact

Starting point is 00:01:57 that you deserve better and better is out there waiting for you. So let's get straight into the discomfort. After my biggest world shattering unexpected breakup I was absolutely devastated and all I kept thinking was but who is my best friend? I'd called him my best friend for years, we were friends before we got together, I felt like I had lost more than just a boyfriend. We had travelled the world together, we'd had incredible experiences together, we'd had incredible experiences

Starting point is 00:02:25 together, we'd been living together for six years, one of those before we were officially a couple, and we'd had a lot of rough experiences too. At the time he was who I thought I was most myself around and I really did consider him to be my best friend. But it wasn't until I was moving through the breakup and the processing phase of the breakup, the rose tinted glasses started to lift and I realised that best friends don't treat you that way. Best friends are supposed to support you no matter what, they're supposed to cheer you on, encourage you, respect you, be mindful of your needs. Yet so many of us are in relationships or have now exited relationships where we have this belief that they were our best friend, which impacts our ability to move on and leaves us in a state of grief for a longer period.

Starting point is 00:03:19 Now I'm not talking about the relationships that fizzle out or the ones where you grow apart over the years or the ones where you do become more like friends than lovers. So it does feel like a friendship more than a relationship. I am talking about the toxic relationships where you weren't necessarily treated as you deserve to be, and also where you perhaps didn't treat them in the way that they deserve to be treated. Because let's get the balance right here, like we can't just shit all over everyone else, we have to take some responsibility for our own actions on some occasions. So I'm talking about the catastrophic type breakups that shake you to your core, the shock ones, the ones you didn't see coming, the ones where they perhaps cheated on you or disrespected you, the life-altering, can't function, can't get out of bed breakups. When you think about it, and this as I said is

Starting point is 00:04:20 what really helped me to start to move on from my last breakup. Were they really, truly your best friend? Best friends don't gaslight you. Best friends don't put you down. Best friends don't abandon you to party with strangers. Best friends don't ignore your needs. Best friends don't live a life behind your back. Best friends don't make you feel guilty or ashamed when you express your feelings or needs. Best friends give as much to the relationship as they take. So perhaps ponder on that and ask yourself, were they really my best friend? And for me, when I came to this understanding, instead of being in that reflecting with fondness and feeling of lost space, I was able to feel more empowered and recognise that they

Starting point is 00:05:06 weren't the one. That that relationship wasn't what I deserved to have for the rest of my life and that they weren't in fact my soulmate. And this really, well however hard it was to acknowledge, it really helped me to move on. Because in the moments where I started to fall into this pit of despair and depression, of this sadness that my life wasn't going to be what I thought it was, I was able to remind myself of all the reasons that we shouldn't be together, and all the positives surrounding the breakups which was really really hard because I thought that they were the one I genuinely thought at the time for the most part that we were going to be together forever but ultimately when I came to this realization when I came to this realization

Starting point is 00:05:58 I was able to instead reflect on all the times I'd had my feelings hurt, all the times I'd been disrespected, I'd been treated poorly and although that was difficult because it brought up feelings of shame and self blame of how could I let myself be treated like this for so long, it did actually help me to move on because I stopped seeing it as I've lost this best friend I've lost this boyfriend I've lost this relationship I've lost this future instead it was I've lost this person who wasn't the one for me anyway which is still hard as I said because then it brings up feelings of I'm such an idiot for thinking that they were the one but instead of romanticizing what your ex was and what you think your ex was you can move forward into the future thinking instead I've just lost someone who was never my person anyway. So to help you move into a more empowered state where you can shift

Starting point is 00:07:06 into acceptance of the situation I thought that I'd share six signs that your ex wasn't the one. So number one the effort was all one-sided. If you felt like you were the one putting in all the effort for example arranging date nights, doing the shopping, scheduling time to see each other then they were not the one. You deserve someone who is equally as invested in the relationship and in the life you want to create together. You deserve to feel special, to have someone who wants to take you out and who wants to put in as much effort into the relationship as you do. The trust wasn't there. Whether you didn't trust them or they didn't trust you or a combination of both, if your relationship lacked a foundation of trust, it wasn't the right relationship.

Starting point is 00:07:49 This is something we talked about in episode one of the Date With Confidence podcast, how to know if you're in the wrong relationship. When you're spending your days or nights worrying about what your partner is getting up to behind your back, it's not healthy. You deserve to be with someone who you trust unconditionally and who has that same level of trust with you. Number three, there was a lack of communication. Communication is arguably the most important part of a relationship. If you couldn't communicate your needs without being fearful of the response, you weren't in a safe, healthy relationship. And this is something that I had to learn from one of my best friends because I had always been in relationships where I couldn't openly share my

Starting point is 00:08:31 feelings without it being turned back on me or without being made to feel ashamed or guilty or like I was in the wrong for voicing my needs and I just assumed that that was normal. But as my best friend told me, that is not a normal, healthy relationship. And it's not just the big things that you should be able to communicate. Open, honest and regular communication is what will bring you closer to your partner. So if they're not responding to you or disappearing for days, or not even making the effort to sit and have a conversation with you at the end of the day, for example, they are not the one. You deserve to be in a relationship where the communication is healthy, open, and honest. They disrespect you. Your ex wasn't the one if they

Starting point is 00:09:18 regularly disrespected you. Now everyone makes mistakes, everyone messes up at times, but if disrespecting you became a regular occurrence, they were not the one. Some examples of disrespecting you could be messaging other people in a flirty way, ignoring you when you've explained that something they do is hurtful, staying out all night without letting you know in advance or letting you know where they are and even more subtle things like the way they talk about you or to you in public. You deserve to be respected. Number five, you are always the one compromising. Compromise is a natural part of a relationship. There will always be moments where you might have different viewpoints, different ideas or different ways of how to handle things or what you want to do next. And it's fine to compromise your plans or your needs

Starting point is 00:10:10 temporarily. But if you find that you were always the one making the compromise, that wasn't your forever relationship. You deserve to be with someone who will happily compromise equally as often as you do. And number six, they didn't support your passions and dreams. When you talked about what you wanted from the future, was your partner encouraging, supportive, eager to listen and plan with you? Or did they tell you what you wanted wasn't possible? Did they laugh at your plans? Did their eyes glaze over with disinterest? Your partner doesn't have to understand your vision. They don't have to be excited about what you want to achieve, but they should support you. They should get excited at your excitement. They should be

Starting point is 00:10:56 willing to listen to your ideas and ask how they can best support you in achieving them. And if they didn't, they weren't for you. You deserve someone who supports you unconditionally and who gets excited about your excitement for the future. I hope that this episode has made you feel lighter and brought that fighter, strong, empowered energy back to you so that you can focus on the amazing future you are going to have without the person you thought was your best friend. Instead of reminiscing about the past through those rose-tinted glasses, remember this next time. They weren't the one, they weren't your best friend, they weren't the person you deserve to be with for the rest of your life. Make sure you check the show notes for helpful resources

Starting point is 00:11:40 on bouncing back from breakups, healing from heartbreak and rebuilding your self-confidence and you'll also find links to the other episodes in this season so if you need help overcoming a breakup, getting over the guilt of ending a relationship or you want to feel confident after a breakup you can head to your chosen episode now. I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Were They Really Your Best Friend? 6 Signs Your Ex Wasn't 'The One'

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