The Date with Confidence Podcast - You Need To Hold Yourself To High Standards Too (It's Not Just About Him)

Starting point is 00:00:00 You can't control how a man behaves. You can't dictate how a man chooses to show up to a date. You can't choose his behaviour. You can't change his behaviour. You can't preempt how he is going to behave on your first date. But what you can control is how you show up, what you tolerate, and the standard that you hold yourself to. And that's really what I want to discuss in this episode. Welcome to the Date with Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice. support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been with practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date alongside lighthearted

Starting point is 00:00:44 catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. I talk a lot about standards and your dating standards, but I've always talked about it through the lens of the other person. So what you want from the other person, what you expect from the other person, how you desire them to behave, the qualities you desire them to have. But we don't.

Starting point is 00:01:28 talk about your personal standards. So the dating standards you have for yourself. And I really want to dive into that today because this is something that I have recognized within myself that there are occasions where I am perhaps not showing up the best. I am perhaps not holding myself to the dating standards that I would hold somebody else to. And it is really important when you are dating someone that there is a balance, that we have this equal footing. I wouldn't expect a man to meet all my standards and I don't meet those standards too. It would be very hypocritical for me to say,

Starting point is 00:02:12 I desire X, Y, Z, and they are all things that I don't personally do myself. And these standards aren't about being harsh or being perfect or holding yourself to something that's unachievable, or even changing yourself when you're, when it comes to dating or changing something about yourself, it's really about respecting yourself enough to hold yourself to the high standards. And then I feel like it's also easier for you to hold other people to those standards as well. When you respect yourself enough to, for example, put in the effort to worry about your appearance, to show up your all things, as your authentic self on a day,

Starting point is 00:02:58 it is much easier for you to hold other people to those standards because you can, not even, not out loud, but you can say, well, this is how I'm showing up for people. I require somebody who shows up in that same way as well. And this is one of the reasons that it was perhaps easier for me to end things quickly with regards to the person I was doing before because I knew the standards I was holding myself to

Starting point is 00:03:25 when I entered into dating again. There were moments where I didn't want to reply to a message or I felt like it would be easier for me to ignore some messages. This is because I find it difficult to respond to messages sometimes, but there were times where I had to remind myself of the standards that I have for myself in terms of not ghosting, in terms of responding

Starting point is 00:03:49 in a timely manner, because that is how I would expect somebody to show up for me. And I think knowing the standards that I have for myself in terms of the effort that I put into for a day, in terms of the way that I show up in conversations, in terms of the space that I hold, in terms of the interest I have in getting to know someone, because I expect that from myself,

Starting point is 00:04:15 I expect that from other people. So when the bed was unmade, I was like, this is not something. I would hold myself to better standards than this. therefore I hold somebody else to that standard as well. I'm hoping that you're still with me. So I have a question for you. Are you showing up in dating the way that you would want your partner to show up?

Starting point is 00:04:35 So when it comes to the way, let's first of all start at the very beginning. You match with someone on an app. Are you showing up in that conversation the way that you would expect someone to show up for you? Are you asking questions? are you responding back to what they've asked about you? Are you keeping things lighthearted and curious? Or are you responding with one word answers? Are you responding with a passive aggressive, all men are trash type attitude?

Starting point is 00:05:07 Are you already making assumptions around who that person is? Are you diving straight in with the, this is what I want, this is what I expect? Because that's completely off-putting. If a man spoke to me like that, I'd be like, you're not my... person. We don't need to dive straight into that immediately when we've not even met yet. Are you keeping things interesting, engaging? Are you responding once a day? I don't believe that you have to respond to every message as soon as it comes in. I don't believe that you have to respond multiple times a day if your schedule and if your mentality doesn't allow that. I feel like

Starting point is 00:05:44 it's fine to respond once a day. Are you letting out parts of your personality? Are you showing people yourself in those early conversations and that doesn't mean like full on vulnerability it doesn't mean telling them your life story it doesn't mean trying to behave in a way that you think is attractive it means showing up authentically as yourself and communicating in a way that feels i don't know of a natural's the right word because if you feel uncomfortable dating then it might not come naturally to you but are you being open and viewing this new connection from a fresh perspective. So are you seeing them as a blank slate or are you comparing them to your ex? Are you comparing them to the last person you dated? Are you comparing them to

Starting point is 00:06:30 somebody that you started chatting with a week ago? Or are you viewing them as this new person and accepting them for who they are? So really think about how would you require someone to show up for you and how can you show up in that same way? I started chatting to someone a few weeks ago and the conversation was very he'd give me like like one sentence answers didn't really ask questions and then I ended up mirroring that behaviour and then I just stopped responding I mean we weren't chatting for very long but I didn't desire to continue the communication because it was so poor and then when I think back to times where perhaps I've when perhaps when I was first dating and I wasn't putting in the effort

Starting point is 00:07:16 in as much, I can then understand, okay, well, I'm holding these men to these certain standards, yet I'm not showing up in that same way as well. Perhaps this is why I wasn't getting the matches that I desired back then. So really reflect on that. How would you expect somebody to show up for you and how can you show up for somebody in that way so that your behaviour becomes mirrored? Saying that, not everybody is going to mirror your standards to you, not everybody is going to mirror that behavior to you. And that is when you can walk away confidently knowing that you've showed up as your best, knowing that you've held yourself to those standards, and those people are not meeting you where your standards are at. So it's like you have these two

Starting point is 00:08:04 lenses to look through, the standards that you have for other people and the standards that you have for yourself. And when both of those meet and marry up, that is a sign that you are onto something that could potentially become something. Obviously there are other things involved like chemistry like personality like whether you actually like the person but this is a good almost like starting point I feel. So signs you are not holding standards for yourself. Really think about reflection on this but from a curious lens as opposed to shaming yourself or being angry with yourself or falling into that self-guilt-trip self-blame pattern. Are you ghosting yourself? Are you ignoring your own needs? Are you ignoring your intuition? Are you ignoring your boundaries? Where are you perhaps ghosting your beliefs?

Starting point is 00:08:59 Where are you perhaps not showing up for yourself in the way that you deserve to be showing up for yourself? Are you saying you want one thing but then tolerating the complete opposite? So are you saying that you desire someone who puts in the effort, who plans the date, who communicates well, yet the person you've just started dating is not doing any of those things. You feel like you're the one chasing, but because there was a little bit of chemistry, or perhaps it's the hottest person you've dated for a while, or perhaps you just haven't been dating for very long, are you tolerating those things because of perhaps fear that you'll be alone or fear that you won't find someone better, for example. Are you performing when it comes to dating? And by that I mean, are you being who

Starting point is 00:09:47 you think somebody would like to date versus showing up as your authentic self? Are you asking the questions you think he'd want you to ask? Are you wearing the clothes you think a man would find attractive? Are you laughing and flirting and kissing before you're ready? Or are you showing up for yourself as yourself in the same way that you would expect a man to show up as himself rather than a man who is just trying to impress you or saying the things that he would he thinks you would want to hear and are you letting the vibe override the facts so are you letting chemistry or passion or the excitement of dating someone new or how you feel on the date based on how good you feel about yourself are you letting

Starting point is 00:10:36 those things override what is actually happening in this dating experience. And I've talked about this before. There is an episode called The Truth, you're obsessed with yourself and not with him. There are moments, and I've noticed this in every dating scenario I've been in, and I noticed it again last time. There are moments where I feel like everything is incredible, but that is because I feel incredible within myself. So perhaps I'm being really funny or I feel attractive or I feel like I could flirt with myself or I have this like deep connection with myself where I feel I don't know how to explain it. You know when you just fancy yourself a bit more. It is specifically during the kind of ovulation phase of my cycle where I just find myself attractive. I feel more flirty. I feel

Starting point is 00:11:29 more funny. I feel more confident in myself and I really like myself when I'm in that part of my cycle. I really prefer myself in that state. So then when I'm dating someone and I go on a date with someone in that energy, typically the dates are incredible. But it's not necessarily because the guy has been incredible. It's because I already feel incredible about myself. Is that dictating how you feel about the person and overriding what is actually in front of you. Just something to consider. And when you recognize that you are perhaps not holding yourself to the standards that you could be, that is the best place you can be in because that self-awareness means you can create a new set of standards for yourself and you can make the conscious effort to moving forward, hold yourself to those higher

Starting point is 00:12:23 standards and witness how or if it actually does positively impact your dating life, your dating experience. So let's look at how to set dating standards for yourself. This is really about creating those internal rules that are important to you. So perhaps it is always choosing to go on a date with an open mind. So not over romanticising or future faking or buying into a fair before you've been on the date. Not deciding who this person is just because you've had some good conversations with them. Not expecting X, Y or Z from the date, but going into the date with an open mind of, I'm going to go and have a really nice time with this person, whether they are my person or not. This is such a good mindset to go into a first date with, the idea that no matter

Starting point is 00:13:15 what happens on the date, you are going to have a good time. This has changed the game for me when it comes to dating because now I feel like even bad first dates, I still have a pleasant time because I either see it as a funny story for my friends or I see it as a learning experience or I see it as I've just gone out and met someone new. It could have been a new friend or I've got to experience a new restaurant or whatever it is. I go into my first dates with an open mind of I'm going to see how this goes and I'm going to be open to whatever happens. Your rule for your could be something like I choose not to spiral if they don't text me back immediately. So instead of placing meaning or when somebody doesn't reply to you, you perhaps say I'm going

Starting point is 00:14:02 to be open with the fact that if we're not in a relationship, I'm not owed a response within X amount of time. If you feel very anxious when it comes to dating, then I've got an entire episode on how to overcome anxious attachment when you're dating someone new. I will make sure that that is linked for you because that's been a really valuable resource for a lot of people. so you can go back and give that a listen. You might have a rule for yourself where... So for me, when it comes to dressing for a first date, I always think to myself,

Starting point is 00:14:30 what would I want to be wearing if I was to go on a first date with my husband? So if I was about to meet my husband, what would I like to be wearing? And I don't get really dressed up. I do very much like a mix of kind of smart casual. So I'll wear an outfit that makes me feel really good, that I feel attractive in so that if I was to meet my husband on that first day, if he was

Starting point is 00:14:53 going to be the one, I know that I'd be able to look back on my first date and be like, oh, I was wearing this and I felt really confident and I felt really comfortable. So that for me is a standard that I hold myself to. And it's also a standard that I hold men to as well. If they haven't made an effort for the first date, it is probably going to be a no from me. We all know my opinion on shorts, which I've talked about before. If you're going to rock up to a first date in shorts, probably not going to go on a second one with you. Unless it's really hot and they're smart shorts. If you're rocking up in tracksuit shorts, it's going to be a no. So to set some standards for yourself, I've got a prompt that I think will help you. Ask yourself, if I was dating me,

Starting point is 00:15:36 what kind of energy, boundaries and communication would I want to experience? So think about what you would want from a partner and how can you have those same standards for yourself and you don't have to hold yourself to the exact same standards there may be standards that you have for the person that you want a day that you don't have yourself for example my standard for a partner is that they can drive that they are confident drivers and they don't text while they drive or drink and drive because i've had experience of those things in the past and it's just not i'm a nervous passenger I want them to be a confident, safe driver. However, I don't expect myself to be the driver in the relationship.

Starting point is 00:16:23 So that's an example of where my standards for them are slightly different to my standards for myself. I specifically want a confident safe driver because I don't like driving because driving gives me anxiety. I want somebody who will confidently and happily drive us around to places like road trips and camping and we can buy a van together and then camp around Europe maybe and also if we decide to have kids who will drive our kids to the hospital although obviously I wouldn't want them to go to the hospital but just in that scenario so have a think about the kind of standards

Starting point is 00:16:58 that are important to yourself and then when you've got these standards for yourself what you can do when you've been on a first day you can have a little look at the standards that you have so you can have a look at the standards that you have for them, as in your non-negotiables, what you want in a partner, and then you can look at your self standards and see whether you held yourself to your own standards during that date and whether or not that impacted the connection that you had with someone. This is a really self-reflective way to improve your dating life. Because there there's been times where all of us, absolutely every single one of us, has not showed up as our best to a date. I remember going on a first date with someone a couple of years ago. I got my

Starting point is 00:17:46 period that day. I was not in the mood to be on a date. I felt like an elephant. I was sweaty, I was uncomfortable, I was cramping, I had anxiety. I was just not, I just didn't really want to be there, to be perfectly honest. And the date itself was really good. The guy was really nice. He'd organized us going to a museum. Then he'd taken us to dinner and then paid the bill while I was in the toilet. The conversation was flowing. He was obviously putting in effort. Yet I feel like in that moment, because of how I was feeling, I didn't hold myself to those same standards. And in moments like that, I can look back and reflect on, okay, if I'd have perhaps showed up better, if I'd have perhaps met my own standards, maybe we could have gone on a second

Starting point is 00:18:32 date. I chose not to go on a second date because by the time I think I got ill and then Jasper was ill and it was just too much time I'd passed. I think it had been like two or three weeks since the first date and I was just like if I've not desired to see you within that time then I'm probably not that interested. But I feel like that was my for want of a word fault because I didn't hold myself to the same standards that I hold other people to. And that's okay. We all have these periods where we're perhaps not showing up as our best. Maybe it is due to how we're feeling. Maybe it's where we are in our cycle. Maybe it's illness. Maybe we've got a lot going on in our personal life. Maybe we're just burnt the fuck out from all the dating that we're doing. And that means

Starting point is 00:19:12 that our personal standards are slipping. That is okay. You don't need to beat yourself up for it, but you do need to reflect on where things could be better. And the changes that you can make, what you have control over, not just relying on men to behave a certain way. Obviously, I'm talking about heterosexual relationships in this scenario, because I have no experience of dating women, so I can't necessarily like speak on that. I can't say that it would be the same for lesbian, bisexual people. I'm not sure personally, and I don't want to speak to something that I don't have personal experience with. However, I am really feeling like I'd like to date women, but that's the conversation for a whole other episode and I don't know whether that's something that I'm going

Starting point is 00:19:59 to do yet but it's something that I've been feeling for a very long time so we'll see whether that is yeah whether that is something that I desire in the future so anyways as I said before you can't force anyone to behave the way that you want them to but you can decide what you show up for you're not holding yourself to these standards for other people you're holding yourself to these standards for you And as I said, this is going to make it easier for you to let go of people who don't match your standards for them as well, because you can confidently say, these are the standards I hold myself to. This is what I expect from a partner. It's unfair of you to expect something from a partner if you are not going to behave that same way. Like, for example, I see a lot of men requiring women to be skinny, gym fit, like toned. work out all the time, hair and makeup done all the time, like that type of woman, yet they don't go to the gym, they don't watch what they eat, they don't put in any effort to their appearance, yet they expect their partner to be some kind of Barbie doll when

Starting point is 00:21:08 they're not that at all. And it's the same, you can't expect your partner to behave a certain way when you're not holding yourself to those standards either. So I hope this has given you some food for thought and made you think about standards in a different way so that you can improve your dating life so that you can continue to weed out people who are not a match for you more confidently and with conviction instead of thinking all but I need to keep dating them just in case something happens or just because they're better than someone else. Now we're moving on to Happy Hour and I'm going to talk to you about my own dating standards that I hold myself to so that you can almost see it in action.

Starting point is 00:21:49 I am most excited for this week's happy hour because I have found something that I am really hoping is going to be the answer to all my prayers. You see, when I lived on Utila in Honduras, I had a spicy margarita for the first time in my life, I think, and it was the most delicious drink I've ever had. It was made with jalapinos, it was like a really good spicy margarita. And since leaving there,

Starting point is 00:22:16 years ago, oh my god, six years ago now, five years ago, six years ago, I have not found anywhere that does a spicy margarita as good. I did go to a bar once and ordered one and he put like a proper chili on the edge of the glass as a garnish. He tried, it wasn't it, but yeah, I have found in Waitrose the other day, I found a Pimenti, I don't even know if that's the right phrase, but it is this type of margarita, this brand, and they've got a spicy margarita so tequila lime agave and chili and i am very excited to try it with you so it also says best serve cold for something extra pour over ice and garnish with a small chili i'm not going to garnish it with the chili but i have got an ice cube so are we ready i'm actually nervous if this

Starting point is 00:23:04 tastes good i will be so freaking excited although it does say chili and not jalapinos but we're not going to worry about that so it smells good let's see I'll just put a little bit in there. Please be good. Mmm. Ooh, the chili is chilling. Oh, that's actually really nice. It's not quite the same as a jalapino spice

Starting point is 00:23:27 and margarita, but it is good. Oh, it's got a nice kick to it. Mmm, delicious, and I'm recording this on a Friday, so it feels like a very nice happy hour today. I've got that Friday feeling. So I think for me, the personal standards that I hold for myself are, If there's no connection, I tell them as soon as I'm aware.

Starting point is 00:23:50 So within like a day or two. If we've only been on a couple of dates, maybe it'll be after the previous date. But if we've been dating for a few weeks, then it'll be within, say, 48 hours of the last date. Once I know for sure, that is not something that I desire anymore. Because if I think about it for me personally, if I was dating someone and they decided they didn't want to date me anymore, I would want to know sooner rather than later. I wouldn't want to be strung along, I wouldn't want them to keep seeing me just in case, I wouldn't want them to ghost me, I would want them to be honest and kind. So that's one of the dating standards that I have for myself.

Starting point is 00:24:28 When I know it's not for me, I end things immediately. The amount of effort I put into a date. I mentioned this before in terms of like the way that I dress, the way that I show up, I'm open-minded, I dress wearing something that I, that really shows I've put in effort. in terms of looking after myself physically and mentally, I have not been working out as much as I have desired to over recent months due to many things, but mostly due to the loss and grief of my grandparents. This is something that I am changing at the moment

Starting point is 00:25:01 and that's something that I'm rebuilding that habit of working out regularly and really taking care of my body. So in terms of the food that I'm consuming, in terms of working out, I like to take care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, or I say energetically. So even things like meditation, breath work, EFT, going to yoga, I do these things for myself. I make sure that if something comes up for me personally, I work through it. I make sure if there is something that I know needs healing, I work on it, I seek support regularly. I would require a partner to do the same.

Starting point is 00:25:42 I would expect a partner to be as self-aware as I consider myself and to continually be evolving and holding themselves to that standard as well. I hold myself to that standard because I want to make sure that I'm showing up my best for everyone that's in my life and to be able to do that, I have to make the conscious effort to look after myself on every level. Another standard that I hold myself to is saying no, and not just going along with someone just to impress them.

Starting point is 00:26:14 I really find it unattractive when somebody only does something to please me when it's something that they don't want to do. And how do I explain this more? When I'm in a relationship with someone, I very much appreciate them doing what I desire to do. Likewise, I would do what they desire to do. So for example, my ex used to like to go and watch the football. Football doesn't interest me that much,

Starting point is 00:26:43 but I would like to go and watch the football with my ex because that was something they were interested in. So I would go and make the effort to go, right? If I was in a relationship with someone and they didn't really like going to the theatre, but they know how much I enjoy going to the theatre, maybe once in a blue moon we'd go to a show together, that kind of thing.

Starting point is 00:27:03 I think that's really nice to do, but when somebody is just a yes person and only ever does things just to please you, I find it quite unattractive. I would rather someone say, no, that's not something that I want to do. Or I'll give you an example off the top of my head

Starting point is 00:27:20 that I dated someone who we'd gone out for dinner and they'd said that they didn't want a certain type of cuisine because they weren't feeling that well that day. And then I think they didn't want curries or like an Indian because their stomach was feeling off so they wanted something like Italian so I was like okay that's fine then we walked past a Thai restaurant and I was like

Starting point is 00:27:42 oh this is interesting I didn't know this was here with no intention to go in there because I knew that their stomach was bad and they were like oh we can just go in here and I was like no you don't want Thai food you've already said you're not feeling great you want Italian and he's like oh no well I'll just you can just get something and I'm like no

Starting point is 00:27:59 I understand the maybe this makes me sound like such an asshole I understand the thought behind it, like, oh, you think that's something that I'd like, great. That is kind to a certain aspect, but then they're self-abandoning just to please me. I don't want someone that abandons themselves, just like I am not someone that would abandon myself. This is a habit that I've had to train myself out of because I've spent every relationship since I was 18 abandoning myself for the man that I'm with. And I don't want to do that anymore. There is a difference between compromising and self-abandonment.

Starting point is 00:28:41 And self-abandonment to me is very unattractive. Maybe because it does trigger me so much. Maybe that's a bit of a projection because I get so triggered by the fact that I have abandoned myself so much in past relationships. I don't want to be with someone that repeatedly abandons themselves just to try and please me. I'm not interested in that. I want a partner, a teammate, someone who's, on the same page as me, someone who goes, oh, this looks like a great place, we can come back

Starting point is 00:29:09 here next time, let's go here for now because I'm not feeling great, or whatever it is. So holding myself to that standard, like saying no when I'm not happy with something, not self-abandoning. They are two standards that I have for myself as well. And I do feel like I'm a lot more confident dating now that I have these in place, now that I am aware of these. internal rules or these standards that I have for myself, I again, feel like it's easier for me to walk away when I know it's not right, rather than giving a chance to somebody who is never going to be the right person anyway. So I hope that that was helpful for you. I hope that you found that interesting. And if this is something that you want to share with me, super exciting news,

Starting point is 00:30:00 I have just set up a feature where you can send me in a voice note to the podcast. So on the contribute form at the top of the page, you can record your own voice note and send it in. So you can ask me your dating dilemma via voice note. You can tell me your own standards. You can send me a message to say that you absolutely love the podcast. Obviously, I will love that and so will my ego. But you can ask me a question about my own date in life. You can share an ick or share a dating story. You can contribute in some way via voice note and I'm super excited to be launching that so if you want to leave me a voice note with your own standards that you've had for yourself or tell me if this episode has

Starting point is 00:30:42 helped you reflect on standards in a different way then please do go leave me a voice note it's date withconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute I will leave that there you don't have to leave your name if you don't want to so if you'd rather it be anonymous that's absolutely fine send it in any way this podcast is for you as much as it is for me and for me I mean in terms of my creative out there so now we've covered your dating standards we've covered my date in standards now we are going to hinge cringe of the week I'm also thinking of maybe getting some guests in for happy hour maybe I could do like a monthly get a guest in where I kind of have a chat

Starting point is 00:31:22 with someone who knows we'll we'll have a little thing about that as well right hinge cringe okay we're ready for this one my greatest strength Being masculine. Consistence and great communication. They're your greatest strengths. It's obviously not right in a dating profile, is it? What do you, like, what do you mean? If you, honestly, if you are trying to attract someone

Starting point is 00:31:45 and you were trying to get someone to go on a date with you, why do you think that saying your greatest strength is being masculine? Why? You've also put being masculine with a capital M and then consistence with a capital C and great communication. You're not communicating greatly. with this response, I'm sorry to let you know.

Starting point is 00:32:05 This is not great communication. They, it's no. And I really feel like anyone who describes themselves as being masculine is not masculine. It's like when someone describes themselves as an alpha male, you're not an alpha male if you're describing yourself as an alpha male. Because true alpha males don't need to describe themselves of that because they just show up as they are and you just know that they're, an alpha even though that whole concept is like bullshit but we don't need to talk about that now so well done to this one being masculine consistency and great communication i hope that that is serving you well now we have our dating dilemma of the week i'm really enjoying doing these so do

Starting point is 00:32:52 send in your dating dilemmas to me please as i said you can send it via voice soon now right here we go i keep matching with guys who clearly don't want the same things as me, but I try to make it work anyway. I don't want to be alone. How do I honour my standards without giving in to fear of missing out? This is such a good question. First of all, I'd say, if you keep matching with guys who don't want the same thing as you, have a little look at your dating profile, because that is the first point of reference, right? That's the first thing that they're seeing about you. That's the first thing that you are seeing about them. So if you're matching with people who don't want the same things, I would look at your profile, see what you can

Starting point is 00:33:38 tweak on your profile to weed all these people out. And also, I would be really conscious of who you're actually matching with. Are you being really discerning in what you're going through? I don't even know if a discerning is the right word. Are you being really conscious or of the type of people that you're matching with. Are you looking at their profiles and reflecting on your standards at the same time? Or are you just swiping right on them because they're fit? That's the first thing that you can do. So tweak your dating profile and you can go back and listen to the episode I did a couple of episodes ago. The one about your dating profile and it's how to write one, what to tweak, go and have a listen to that. And then be really honest with yourself

Starting point is 00:34:25 about the type of people that you're swiping on because you have control over the people that you're matching with and if you repeatedly find yourself matching with men who don't want what you want, then you need to be a lot stricter with who you're actually swiping right on. You need to really analyse their profiles

Starting point is 00:34:42 and see what information they've shared and make sure that you are not continuing to match with people in those categories. And I think some of that is probably related to, as you say, the fear of missing out. There are millions of single people. There are millions of single men in the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And I know that there are many who will not be compatible with you. I know it is like finding a needle in a haystack. I understand that.

Starting point is 00:35:19 But you have to have this open mindset and this positive view that you are. going to find someone. If you are already telling yourself that you might miss out or that you are going to be alone forever or that you're sick of being on your own, that is negatively going to impact your dating life. Whereas if you are constantly telling yourself there are millions of people I could meet, my person is out there. I just haven't met them yet or anything positive like that, you're going to feel so much better about the whole dating scenario and you're not going to have that fear of missing out. When you can anchor into that inevitability that your dream relationship exists and fuck the timeline, stop putting pressure on yourself for it to happen,

Starting point is 00:36:04 but trust that it will happen and you do get that amazing relationship, that is going to remove this fear that you have around missing out. And if that fear is not there, it will be easier for you to honour those standards. And I think it's important to ask yourself, what is more important to you? settling with someone who isn't your person who doesn't want the same things as you just so that you're not alone or really honouring your desires knowing the kind of relationship that you're worthy of knowing the type of person that you deserve to be with and holding out for that to be your reality I know for me personally I would rather be single because I'm happy single I would rather be single then end up in a relationship where I'm not satisfied, where I'm not fulfilled, where I don't

Starting point is 00:36:54 really like the person I'm with, or I don't have that chemistry or whatever it is. To me, it is so much more important to be happy in my everyday life than it is to be with a man. So at the moment, my everyday life is very happy without a man. And a man coming into that will enhance it. Or a person coming into that will enhance my life and I'm not willing to just be with someone just so that I'm not on my own forever. I also understand there are many people who feel the opposite and who really desperately want to be in a relationship, not desperate in a negative way, but who have that like deep desire to be in a relationship who don't like being single, who don't want to be on their own. That is where you really have to ask yourself and get honest with yourself around what is

Starting point is 00:37:46 most important to you. Is it just being with someone so you're not alone? Is it actually having the relationship that you deserve to have? So I hope that was helpful for you. I hope that that's giving you something to think about and it has encouraged you to not settle. And there are some practical things that you can do there as well. Like I said, adjust your dating profile. Be honest with yourself about who you're swiping right on. Start to make those tweaks and that should really help you to honour the standards more and to not worry about missing out. You won't miss it out. Your perfect relationship is out there, I believe. I believe we're all destined to be in the that we deserve. We're all destined to be in those relationships. We can all have those

Starting point is 00:38:37 fairy tale relationships we desire. That is what I believe. That is the narrative I tell myself. That is what stopped me from fearing that I'm behind or worrying about being single forever. I know my dream relationship is out there. I know that I get to have it. It's just a case of trusting that it's going to happen and then making the effort to make it happen by choosing who I'm going to swipe right on, by going on dates regularly, by putting in the effort to make sure that I'm in the, that I have the capacity to date in the way that I desire, etc. So thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Date with Confidence podcast. As I said, send me in your voice note. I'm so excited to receive these from you. And I'll literally be so upset if I don't get any. That'd be so

Starting point is 00:39:27 embarrassing. So please make sure you send a voice note into me. It can be whatever you want. Like send me in a question, ask me about my dating life, send me a dating dilemma, share an ick, whatever it is, send it in. And I will make sure to include it in a future episode. Thanks so much for listening. I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to The Date A Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review, and share it with your single friends. Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - You Need To Hold Yourself To High Standards Too (It's Not Just About Him)

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