The Date with Confidence Podcast - Your Dream Relationship Exists: Here's How to Believe In It

Starting point is 00:00:00 what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality and this is so important when it comes to dating. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been, with practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way,

Starting point is 00:00:32 shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share

Starting point is 00:00:52 with your single friends because if you enter the dating world or if you go on dates with the belief that what you truly desire from a partner doesn't exist or isn't available to you, you're not going to show up with the best energy or the most enthusiastically or as your authentic self because you're going to have this chip on your shoulder about this idea that whatever you want isn't out there anyway so what's the point in even dating right I use this example maybe it would be easier if I used a different example based on one that I also give my clients so I work with clients across lots of different areas I've worked with a lot of business owners before and I used to coach social media managers on pricing their services and I would say to them this exact same thing what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality. And the reason that this is so important is because if you believe that

Starting point is 00:01:49 nobody is going to pay your higher prices, you will keep your prices low. Because in your mind, consciously or subconsciously, you will say to yourself, if I raise my prices, I won't get any work. Whereas if you change that belief and you build the belief that clients love to pay your higher prices, then you raise your prices, which gives people the opportunity to pay you more. Therefore, because they have the opportunity to pay you more, they will say yes to your prices. So you will be paid more. So the belief that clients love to pay my higher prices becomes true. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And this is why it's so important we work on our beliefs, whether it's in

Starting point is 00:02:34 business or relationships or health and wellness or whatever area of your life you're looking at. Obviously, we are talking about dating and relationships because this is the date with confidence podcast but in this episode I wanted to I wanted to reinforce this idea of believing that your dream relationships exist and how you can believe your dream relationships exist so if you listened to the episode at the start of the week how to manifest the one then you will know that we touched on this very very briefly but I wanted to go into a little bit more depth specifically around how to believe that your dream relationship exists so now we know why it's so important I also want to say to you that it is your responsibility to build the belief that what you desire is out there. If you are actively and intentionally dating and you are looking to meet the love of your life, you have a responsibility

Starting point is 00:03:33 to build this belief that your dream relationship exists. Because if you don't, what I see a lot of people doing and what I myself have done in the past, so there is absolutely no judgment here, is settling for somebody who doesn't treat you the way that you deserve or who isn't going to give you the life that you truly desire. When you build this belief into your life and you believe to your core that you get to have your dream relationship you also need to hold on to it so what I also see people doing and again I have been in this position is they have this belief before they start dating and then they meet someone and there's a connection or there's chemistry or something feels good or it's a better date than they've been on in a while and all of a sudden because

Starting point is 00:04:25 this excitable energy is there and you're like oh my god this could be the one the standards drop a little bit because you want to you want to just glaze over those red flags because for the first time in a long time you've got that connection for the first time in a long time you're feeling chemistry with someone so you want to just put the blinkers on rose-tinted glasses no red flags nope nope don't see them and then you start to forget about this belief that you have that your dream relationship exists you start to change the way that you are change the way that you're thinking you perhaps start to lower your standards or think it's okay if I settle a bit maybe my expectations are too high so instead you want to hold on to this belief you want to build it and

Starting point is 00:05:11 then you want to hold on to it really fucking tightly to stop yourself settling for someone who doesn't give you what you want or treat you how you deserve remember you are worthy and deserving of the relationships that you desire. So one thing that really helped me believe the belief that my dream relationship exists, I started doing this after my last relationship because I spent some considerable amount of time reflecting on the relationships that I'd been in previously. And I, looking back realized that I'd followed a pattern through most of these relationships and none of them had been particularly healthy I was very codependent I felt very insecure I felt very unsafe and unsteady I lived in this state of fear of loss so I was constantly worried that they were going to

Starting point is 00:06:07 leave me for someone better, I never felt good enough and I didn't really want to repeat that in my future relationships. I knew that if I wanted the relationship that I dreamed of I needed to make some changes within myself and I needed to start to believe that what I had in the past wasn't what I was going to get in the future. So what I started to do was look for evidence that the relationship that I wanted actually existed. When I was seven I think my parents divorced. So in the lead up to their decision to divorce, I was around a lot of arguments. I was around a lot of tension. I was around a lot of toxic behaviours from the pair of them. I was in a very unstable environment. That was modelled to me as a

Starting point is 00:07:00 child. And I think I took a lot of what I witnessed when I was younger into my future relationships this isn't going to be a whole history lesson on me in my life but to give you a brief overview from there my dad then dated met someone got engaged after four days got married a year later and I witnessed that relationship and the toxicity within that relationship and the emotional manipulation from her part and a lot of negative behaviors there then they divorced and he met someone else and again I grew up witnessing that relationship as well and seeing how families were blended not I wouldn't say in necessarily the right way but I grew up in a around witnessing and having unstable relationships modeled to me unhealthy behaviors toxic patterns that is what I grew up in I never grew up witnessing a healthy relationship

Starting point is 00:08:06 I suppose my grandparents I could say that they had a had a healthy relationship to a certain extent they have been married for one set of them have been married for 60 years the other set has been married for it'll be 57 years in March so you'd say that they've had a pretty successful relationship they've always been together but then there's also been things within those relationships that I can see is in terms of like the way that they communicate with each other the way that they handle conflict hasn't been particularly healthy so long story short I didn't grow up witnessing healthy relationships I didn't grow up with this vision of what a steady and stable and loving relationship looked like. And then I found myself in a lot of unsteady, unhealthy, toxic relationships. So at the end of my last breakup, I decided that I needed to find evidence of a relationship,

Starting point is 00:09:01 of this dream relationship that I've always wanted, I needed to find some evidence of it, real life evidence of people that I was surrounded with. One of these examples is my brother and his wife, the relationship that they have, they are a team with their children, the way that they balance their family life. whilst it's not the lifestyle that I want the way that they manage their life the way that they balance things the way that they socialize with their friends the way that they support each other that is a healthy relationship that I would very much like to have to experience within my relationship. I can take those healthy examples and I can use that successful couple as evidence that the relationship that I desire does exist.

Starting point is 00:09:56 If they can have a healthy relationship it means a healthy relationship is possible for me. Likewise one of my best friends, him and his fiance and their son, I look at their relationship, the way that they communicate with each other, the honesty, the openness, the trust that they have with each other, the way that they've supported each other throughout their relationship, the way that they handle obstacles. I can view their relationship and go, Christ, that's something that I want and again that is evidence that what I want my dream relationship is out there there is evidence that if somebody else can have that I get to have that too so instead of focusing on the relationships that

Starting point is 00:10:39 I grew up witnessing as a child instead of focusing on the relationships that I've been in myself and the toxic patterns I've had I focus on these successful couples on these loving relationships on these healthy relationships that are within my life within my circle of friends within my circle of family now and I choose to hone my attention on those. And that helps me to build the belief that my dream relationship is possible. And I would encourage you to do exactly the same. Even if you don't know anyone in your immediate circle that has these healthy relationships, you can use things like film and TV. So what if they are fictional? That doesn't matter. You can take aspects from relationships that you see in videos, in TV, in film, you can take aspects from those and you can choose to imagine that that

Starting point is 00:11:33 is a real relationship because that's been modelled from something, right? That relationship exists because somebody has experienced it and then turned it into a relationship on TV, on the screen, on film. So you can take aspects of that and you can choose to turned it into a relationship on TV, on the screen, on film. So you can take aspects of that and you can choose to see that as a relationship that you can emulate or aspects of a relationship that you get to have in the future. So find yourself some evidence to help you build the belief that your dream relationship exists. Then what you want to do is change the things you tell yourself and find yourself a mantra to help you reprogram your mind. So instead of telling yourself, I only grew up witnessing my parents

Starting point is 00:12:12 argue, or I never saw a healthy relationship as a child, or I've only ever been in toxic relationships. Yes, that may have been your experience up until this point. Yes, you might have only met shitbag people who have made you feel worthless, but that doesn't have to be your reality moving forward. Just because it happened in your past doesn't mean that is destined for you in the future. So change the things that you tell yourself. Find a mantra. I am lovable. I am enough. I am worthy of the relationship that I desire. my dream relationship exists and I've mentioned this, it might have been in the previous episode about how to manifest the

Starting point is 00:12:52 one but if you struggle with affirmations or mantras when you feel like they are a lie, so for example if you say to yourself my dream relationship exists and it feels like a fucking liar because your dream relationship is far from what you your reality is right now add the phrase I choose to or in this instance I choose to believe my dream relationship exists because that will help your brain process that phrase more and it will stop your brain going well that's a fucking lie because this isn't what I've got use the the phrase, I choose to believe. So I choose to believe my dream relationship exists and then repeat that phrase to yourself over and over and over again when you're washing up, when you're on the toilet, when you're in the shower, when you're going for a walk,

Starting point is 00:13:38 when you're driving down the road, choose to repeat it all day, every day. What you tell yourself you think, what you tell yourself you think what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality so the more you tell yourself this thing the more it's going to sink into your brain as a core belief and then it'll become your reality and then lastly this is quite possibly one of the most powerful things this is something that i have only been doing for about two and a bit years now, because my niece is only two and a bit years. But anchor into a reason for your dream relationship that is greater than yourself. So anchor into a reason for you to have your dream

Starting point is 00:14:20 relationship that's greater than yourself. Anchor into a reason that stops you from settling for red flags. Someone that doesn't treat you well. Someone where the chemistry's there but they're not quite what you wanted. Not quite what you were looking for. Anchor into a reason for your dream relationship that is greater than yourself. For example, when my niece Lily was born, it was the first time in my life where I looked at the relationships I'd been in and I made a commitment to myself to never be in an unhealthy relationship again. Because I didn't want her to grow up witnessing me being treated badly and for her to think that that's an acceptable way to be treated. Now granted she's lucky, she has got wonderful parents who are in a healthy relationship,

Starting point is 00:15:14 who love and support each other, who are there for each other, who are a real team. She has got a healthy relationship being modelled to her already in the form of her parents. As I'm very active in her life I don't want her to grow up and seeing auntie beaker she calls me beaker she can't say Becca she I don't want her to grow up seeing auntie beaker be treated like shit by men and for then her to grow up and her to be in a bad relationship and think well if auntie beaker's accepting this behavior then it's okay for me to accept that behaviour. Now, I did tell this story to the Am I Delusional guy, and he said to me, but you should be making those decisions for yourself. And I was like, yeah, I know this.

Starting point is 00:15:54 There is a logical part of my brain that goes, I know that I deserve to be in a healthy relationship for me. I know that I deserve my dream relationship just because I am me, not for anyone else. But when your self-worth and your self-confidence is quite low, sometimes we need to find an external reason to be able to go after what we want or to be able to have this dream relationship. Sometimes we need somebody else, we need to focus on somebody else to help us get out of our bad habits, to get out of our past patterns, to refuse to settle for any less. So find a reason, anchor into a reason that means your dream relationship and anchor into a reason for your dream relationship that is greater than yourself it could be a niece it could be a nephew it could be a son it could be a daughter it could be a god daughter it could be a friend it could be a parent could be do it for your dog do it because you don't want your dog to witness you being in a bad relationship you don't want your

Starting point is 00:16:59 dog to see you sad every day doesn't matter what the reason but find a reason so that you can anchor into this dream relationship needing to happen needing to exist and that will help you to build that belief that is possible for you oh so if you haven't listened to how to manifest the one yet then do go back and listen to that because that was a very in-depth episode filled with lots of practical exercises coming up next is how to have fun on valentine's day when you're single i personally love valentine's day when i'm single even when i was in a relationship i didn't really celebrate it but i wanted to put that episode in there because i know for some of you valentine's day is a hard day it can make you feel a bit crap

Starting point is 00:17:46 so we're going to embrace it we're going to enjoy it as single dating people stay tuned for that that is coming next if you've enjoyed this episode then as always I would love to hear from you please do leave a review on iTunes or rate the show if you're listening on Spotify I would very much appreciate it when you leave reviews it not only makes me feel really happy and feel like it's worth all my time and effort doing this podcast I mean I'm gonna keep doing it anyway because I fucking love it but it makes it feel like all this time and energy is worth it but also it means that we can reach more people we can get out to more people and if this information has been helpful for you

Starting point is 00:18:24 please do share this episode with a single friend maybe even a friend that's in a relationship share it with people i would very much appreciate it thank you so much and if you'd like to contribute then go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute leave your feedback share your ics give me your dating stories ask me cues whatever it, get yourself involved and I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast, I hope you've enjoyed this episode, subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Your Dream Relationship Exists: Here's How to Believe In It

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