The Date with Confidence Podcast - You're Allowed to Change Your Mind at ANY Point

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

Episode 26: You're Allowed to Change Your Mind at Any PointYou're allowed to change your mind at any point, especially and most importantly, when it comes to your body.In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, we dive into the topic of consent and why it's also ok for you to change your mind to a no, even after you've said yes. Here's a sneak peek at what we cover:1. Consent Matters: Highlighting the importance of consent and the discomfort around saying "no" in various situations.2. Setting Boundaries: I'm sharing my experiences of setting boundaries, such as not kissing on the first date, and the importance of sticking to them.3. Navigating Uncomfortable Conversations: We're exploring instances where uncomfortable conversations arise, like when explicit photos are requested, and how to assertively say "no."4. Changing Your Mind: I emphasise that it's okay to change your mind at any point, illustrated through personal experiences of withdrawing consent during an intimate moment (and how a decent guy will actually respond to your no). 5. Handling Reactions: We discuss the challenging aspect of dealing with others' reactions to saying "no" and emphasising that you shouldn't feel responsible for managing someone else's response.6. Consent is Attractive: We reflect on the attractiveness of consent, respect, and communication in dating scenarios, and the impact of these factors on feeling safe.7. Standing Strong: I encourage you to stand by your decisions, say "no" when needed, and focus on self-care and mindset work to help you say no with confidence.Remember, you're allowed to say "no" whenever, wherever, and however many times you need.Episodes Mentioned:Ted: I Know What I Deserve Now and This Is NOT ItRob: He Wanted Me to Send Photos and Lied About His AgeChanged your mind? Listen to How to Cancel a Date with the 'Nice One'Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackAttract on the AppsThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

but you are allowed to change your mind at any point, especially and most importantly, when it comes to your body. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been.

With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode

feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends you can say no at any time you can say no when you've said yes you're allowed to change your mind you are allowed to say no if you feel uncomfortable this is so so important and I'm actually I'm actually a little bit devastated because when I went to Valencia in October this year me and my friend Amandine we recorded for three hours an amazing podcast

episode for you and one of the conversations that we touched on was this idea of consent and it was a really important conversation that we'd had we'd had but I somehow managed to lose, to delete the file and it has gone forever and I've had a good cry over it but obviously I can't, I can't share that conversation with you now because it has disappeared. So I thought I would touch on consent with you anyway because I do think that this is such an important topic. And I feel like there is still this stigma or this sense of guilt or this sense of feeling bad if we say no. And I wanted to share some examples of situations where I have said no, or how you can kind of set your boundaries in advance. So for example, when I was messaging Ted, who I spoke about in the This Is What I Deserve Now episode, we were messaging a lot the conversation was very sexual

and there were a few moments I think there were I think there was twice no three times maybe where the conversation of exchanging photos came up so one of the things he said was I it's taking everything in me not to send you a dick pic right now and my response was yeah don't do that and he fully like respected that boundary and then I think there was a time like a week or so later 10 days later where he asked me to send a photo and I was like no I don't send photos to people that I don't know and again that boundary was respected I feel like he was trying to push it a little bit and then when I ignored him for a few hours he kind of got the message that my boundaries are my boundaries and

I'm very strict with them but even during those conversations one thing that I like to do when I am dating people I set this kind of rule for myself around not kissing on the first date and it's not a rule it's not a rule that I have to live by it's not something where I'm like I'm never kissing anyone on the first day it's just a bit of a boundary that I have for myself purely because if I go on a date with someone and I don't feel that physical connection having that boundary for myself makes me feel okay about not kissing them if that makes sense so if I didn't have that boundary and kind of presumed that I would kiss people on the first date then I might feel pressured and that pressure is coming from myself I might pressure myself into

being okay with kissing someone but I want to kiss someone when I'm good and ready so if I go on a date with someone and it feels right I'm gonna kiss them if I go on a date with someone and I feel like I want to sleep with them that night I'm gonna do that they're my boundaries I'm pretty fluid in them um and even when I was speaking to Ted one of the things that I'd specifically said in the message to him was I don't kiss on the first date and I have said that to multiple people that I have been about to go on dates with I have said it in our conversations beforehand especially if a couple of the conversations have been flirty like when I was speaking to Rob he'd asked me about a date that I'd been on with another guy and was like did you have a cheeky little kiss at the end and I was like no I don't kiss on the first date and I like

to put like I like to kind of put that out there I wouldn't just if someone asked me on a date I wouldn't say yes that's fine and just so you know I don't kiss on a first because I don't think that's necessary. But when it has been brought up in the conversation, like when Ted was like, if I try and kiss you on the first day, am I going to get a slap? And I was like, I've already told you I don't kiss on a first date. But we'll have to see. Because I probably like it probably would have been fine. But I think even in those scenarios there are I think there are times where we feel like the easier option is to just go with what the other person wants because we're worried about how they're going to react to your boundary but what I've learned is this how someone responds to your no doesn't mean you shouldn't say it because it is not your

responsibility to handle someone else's reaction to your boundaries and if they make you feel bad about saying no, if they tease you, if they get angry, if they get annoyed with you that doesn't mean that you should change your mind if you really don't want to do something and that is in everyday life that's not just in dating I mean obviously we're talking about dating now because it's the date with confidence podcast but that's in everyday life if you don't want to do something and you really really don't whether that's kissing someone sleeping with someone going on a date with someone I don't want to do something and you really really don't whether that's kissing someone sleeping with someone going on a date with someone I don't know going out for dinner with someone doing a chore for I don't know whatever you're allowed to say no and if somebody makes you feel bad about it

that doesn't mean you change your mind instead you double down on self-care on grounding on resetting your nervous system and you remind yourself that you deserve to say no it's really hard to kind of set and stick to these boundaries sometimes especially if you're a people pleaser like me but we have to have them in place now there are two different scenarios in which I have said no, so there was one time where, and I know that, I know this is something that me and Amandine talked about, which is really frustrating that I don't have this conversation, but one of the examples I shared was there was a guy who had, he was kind of in the, he wasn't fully in the friend group, but I'd known him for

a couple of months on an offload. We've been for drinks together. I think he might have even worked where I worked on the pub crawl temporarily when I was living in Thailand. And there was this big annual festival and I was working at the bar there. I think it was this night. I was working at the bar there, got horrendously drunk and had to go home and he offered to drive me home and I was like great like this is someone that I know from my recollection I don't think we ever kissed there'd been no hint at anything sexual happening I'd probably flirted because that's just who I am I'm like naturally flirty person but he had said about taking me home and I was like great thank you so much got home and I remember him taking me upstairs to like put me to bed because I was very very drunk and again

thinking he was my friend this was fine and I think he tried it on with me I remember him like trying to kiss me or I don't know whether he was like on top of me or whatever and I was like no and I said no multiple times and he got really angry with me and that was an example of one of the reasons that we don't say no is because of other people's reactions but I stood by that and I continued to say no and then I think like I lived in a house with like five guys so I probably said something to them and was like get him out or whatever I can't really remember but I think in those scenarios we do we shouldn't have to be prepared we should this is the fucking problem we shouldn't have to be prepared for someone to be angry at our boundaries but unfortunately that is just the

way things are at the moment and I do really hope and kind of believe that things are changing but unfortunately there are moments where someone will react badly and in that scenario maybe it would have been easier for me to just be like oh do you know what crack on while I'm in this semi-conscious state but that's obviously horrendously unsafe and dangerous and what's the word that I'm looking for it's just not something that I would have agreed to and I think you have to be careful in those scenarios and instead of as I said just going along with okay I'll let him assault me I stood by my no but then sought support from my friends reassured myself that the no is okay and reminded myself that I haven't done anything wrong because also in this situation oh my god there's so much I want to talk

about on this there is this habit this perception this way of being that society has where so many people will go, but you shouldn't have got that drunk or you shouldn't have let him take you home. And I'm not here for any of that victim blaming bullshit. I say victim, I wasn't a victim, but I'm not here for any of that, that blame bullshit. A man should hear a no and respect your fucking no. And then in the other instance, there was this time where, again, I was in Thailand, I was at a bar with this guy, invited him back to my place, and we were like, like, we were, like, having sex, like, we were in the middle of sex, and then I was like, this is just not working, it is not working for me, I've changed my mind, and I stopped and just said to him, like, you need to leave, in a, I think it was a nice way,

I don't really know, it probably wasn't as nice as I could have been but he was a gentleman he got up and he left and he didn't get angry he respected my no and this is what I'm saying like there were so many times where we feel like because we've said yes initially, we have to continue with that decision. But you are allowed to change your mind at any point, especially and most importantly, when it comes to your body. And I guess that's just what I wanted to say. If you feel like you have to go along with things that people say to you, if you feel like once you've committed to a date, you have to go on it, even if you don't want to. If you feel like you have to kiss them because they've made a move, you fucking don't. You are allowed to say no whenever, wherever, however many times you want to and what I've also learned in building up the confidence to say no

is that consent is actually really attractive when I've been communicating with people and they have asked my permission to share certain information when they have asked my permission to share certain information, when they have asked my permission to send a photo and I've declined and they've respected that, when they have asked my permission to ask me a personal question, there's something about that that's really attractive and makes me feel safe because I'm like okay granted you don't know what someone's going to be like until you meet them but during those conversations it's like you're listening to me you're asking me you're respecting me and that is something that is very attractive whereas you get the other people who somehow have this entitlement that they can talk to you a certain way or they can message you a certain way again an example I had my first unsolicited dick pic the other week um which

was a massive fucking shock so I'd met this guy on an app I'd matched with him he'd I think we'd had two sentences I think he'd said something about me being attractive or something and I was like thanks and then he'd asked me like where I was like where I was from and then his next comment was your lips look really kissable do you know that and I was like great like I've replied and was like I've been told that before thanks I think I said I've been told that before but thank you and then he was like I think he said something about what do they taste like and I'd ignored him and then he messaged again and was like I don't suppose there's any chance to meet up for a drink tonight and I ignored it and then he messaged me again a couple of days later

with or ever as in like meeting up for a drink or ever and again I ignored it and that because I was just busy and I was having like good conversations with other people and then I got this message with a photo of him in his boxers with his dick in it and saying something about like put your fingers around that or some sleazy thing and I obviously didn't reply because these these messages were sent in space of like three hours so he sent another one and then he sent another one with like laughing emojis and I'm just like I'm not fucking here for this so I reported him to the app and blocked him because in those scenarios he came across as the type of person if I'd have responded and been like what the fuck do you think you're doing what made you

think it was okay to do this he was a 42 year old man and I'm like if you have not learned that by this age unsolicited photos and messages like that are inappropriate then I've got absolutely zero interest in communicating with you or getting into a conversation where you're likely going to be aggressive and a complete dick about things so but anyway that's kind of a rambly I didn't plan my notes plan any notes on this but I'm hoping that it's just the reminder that you need that it is okay to say no say no whenever the fuck you like um yeah you can contribute to the date with confidence podcast if you go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute I would love to hear your dating stories your ics your green flags red flags ask questions, ask for my advice, just get involved. I would love to hear from you and I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With

Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you. you