The Dating Detectives - A Dose of Deception

Episode Date: September 28, 2026

When Ivy met the man who would become her second husband, she thought she had found her soulmate, and for years, their marriage seemed to prove her right. But when his behavior suddenly shifts and he insists the problem is all in her head, Ivy begins questioning everything: her instincts, her confidence, and even her own mental health. As suspicious moments pile up and the people around her encourage her to give him the benefit of the doubt, Ivy is left searching for the proof her gut has been demanding all along. Click here to join our Patreon! For only $5 a month you will get 2 extra episodes a month, monthly virtual live events, and access to our community page. And now for $9 a month you can get all of that, plus ad free episodes!If you've been dogfished and want to share your story on the show, email [e-mail] or contact us through our website using this linkThis episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by Rebel. Shop top brands in home, baby, outdoor, and more for up to 70% off at fromrebel.com.This episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by Quince. Go to quince.com/datingdetectives for free shipping on your first order and 365-day returns.This episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by DeleteMe. Get 20% off your plan at joindeleteme.com/datingdetectives with code TDD.***The following Program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following Program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances.If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-723 for support. Happy dating detective's Monday. Jinks. Jinks, you owe me a Coke. What's the other thing they say? They say, jinks, you owe me a Coke, but if you're under the same roof, you owe me something out.

How does it? I don't know. I don't know. I was going to say, that sounds like something your son says, and he's got to keep, teach us the cool thing. The lingo. Six, seven. Sorry. Oh, my.

Yeah. Don't bring that back. Anyway. We have an interesting story for you guys today. and I think the most interesting thing for me is how the commonalities between a lot of our guests and this guest and how do narcissists and these dogfish take the same courses on how to be dogfish? I think so because this is just it's one of those stories where you're like, you know that people do this and yet every time it's hard to believe. But the gaslighting is on another level. So her name is Ivy.

She's got the best attitude about this. So I'm excited for you all to hear if you are going through any kind of relationship ups and downs, perhaps a breakup where you're like, there is no way I'm ever going to feel good again. I feel like she would be the perfect friend to talk to because she's going to make you feel like you can get through anything. So a big fan of her. Speaking of that, I really want to thank our audience for being so gracious and kind and respectful and loving. Thank you for supporting us and our show. but also for supporting our guests and just listening to these stories,

just helping other people feel like they're less alone helps us heal and get through some of these things. So we're so grateful for you. Thank you so much. And if you want to get more involved with the dating detectives, there are a couple of ways to do it. One, we're always accepting your stories. So you can email stories to investigate at the dating detectivespodcast.com. Put in the subject line a little bit about what your story is. so don't just say like dogfish story.

We know. Like give us a little bit more. So our producer, Molly and Kiva have an easier time going through it. And then you can bullet point. You can write it out. However, even if it just feels good for you to write it out, you could just send it and be like, I don't know. I just, I just need to vent. And then we'll reach out to you if it's one we can move forward with.

We get a lot. So if we don't reach out right away, we're sorry. But we are going through them. And all of your stories are important. So thank you. just know that anytime you share your story, a lot of people think, well, I don't know if this is crazy enough. These stories don't have to be crazy. This is about real life scenarios. And we just want to be a platform and an ear for you. And again, the more people hear these stories, the less

alone they feel. So thank you for sharing. Please don't hesitate. And also, join us on Patreon. We have the new tier for several months now. We have the $5 tier, which gives you two bonus episodes and some more one-on-one time with... Community. Yeah, community, time with me and Hannah. But the $9 tier, we call it the girlfriend experience. It's like the ad-free listening. So thank you to all of our current Patreoners and sleuthies.

And we encourage you to join the Patreon and just continue to support us. Thank you so much. And then social media at Dating Detectors Podcast, all of the places. And you can comment with each other. I love when you find each other, you'll hear in this story. you need your community.

So find it with the sleuthies. Shall we? Yeah, let's give it to Ivy. Hi, Ivy. Thank you for being here. We would like to give you the floor. We would love if you would take us on your journey, please. I met my ex about 10 years ago.

We were both going through divorces. I was going through my first divorce. I have two boys. I had no plans on ever getting married again. My kids were 8 and 12th. I went through my first divorce. We just grew apart. and it was just time to move on.

I moved out of my house in May, and at the end of June, I actually met my second husband. How'd you meet? I have a hair salon, and he was doing work there. He's a plumber, so I had some sinks that broke, and I had a friend who referred him to me, and we just hit it off. As soon as he came in, we started talking. We were both going through divorces. We were both going through the same thing.

And that night, I decided to ask him out and see. see what happened. So we pretty much were together every day since then on out. Oh, so it moved that fast. Yeah, it really did. I mean, I didn't introduce them to my kids for like a year. So it wasn't, I guess not every day. It was the days I did not have my boys that I would hang out with him. And yeah, we just, we just really hit it off pretty fast. A year is a good amount of time. Like, that's a long time and that's commendable. And they're going through a divorce too. So it makes And especially eight and 12. Oh, yeah.

I was in no hurry. My youngest took it really hard, so I was in no hurry to bring someone else around them. Plus, I didn't know if I ever wanted to really be serious with anybody again. I felt that. Okay, so tell us about, like, the early days of this courtship. It was good. We went through a lot because his divorce was kind of ugly. But we had a great time.

We'd go to football games. We would go to plays. We would do something fun every single weekend. What about him made it okay for you to jump into a relationship? Because you just said that you were like, I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I don't care. And all of a sudden now, were you ever like, wait, why is he making me change all of my? Yeah, for sure.

But he just, he made me so happy. We'd love to do everything together. We just, we had a really good, a good thing for a long time. So we dated and then we finally decided to introduce all the kids together. He had three and I have two. That took a long time for all the kids to get along, and they were, they're all pretty much the same age. So it was a rough ride there for a minute. And then finally, our oldest, his oldest, was going to the military, and we decided to get married before he left.

So that he could be part of the ceremony? Yep. I really did not want to get married. I was happy just living together, but he did not want to live together unless we were married. And at that time, I was paying a lot of money for health insurance. so we decided to just go for it. I truly thought he was my soulmate. I thought he came in my life for a reason.

Were you already living together before you got married? Nope, we did not move in together until after we got married. Oh, okay. I have a question, but maybe, I mean, I know hindsight's 2020. Were there any red flags? I mean, there were many red flags the whole time. He had another kid. Two of his kids are a month apart.

And so obviously, you know, he had another woman for a long time. and oh so they were too different yep but he was he's a charmer he just act like he could change and people change and that was the past in his life and he really truly seemed like this great person so he was open to talking about it oh yeah he was very open he didn't try to hide things he was open to everything everybody thought he had changed when he met me everybody thought he was this great person even his ex was so happy for him and us she'd say he's not like that with you he's different and we really everybody thought he changed all righty okay so you get married we get married and things are great i really thought i had this great marriage he was never mean to me he would

do everything for me he definitely treated me great and he still worked during this time like he maintained his job and everything yep he kept his job um COVID happened you know I came home for a little while. I was home. He still worked. He was still going strong, getting out every day and then a few years in. We're probably like, well, it was probably three year or three and a half years in, four years in maybe. And he just flipped a switch. And all of a sudden he came home one day and he wasn't happy, but it wasn't me. He was going through something. He didn't know what it was. And he needed to figure himself out. Wait, so like everything was fine, even keel like normal life. and then one day he just came home and it was different?

One day he just came home and it was different. All of a sudden he needed his own friends and my sister had had a baby that we were kind of helping take care of when he was little. And it was his idea to actually help her out for the first year. He started showing resentment, didn't he? Yes. Okay. You know, that was like, oh, well, we just have him all the time and I want to go out and I want to do this.

And he rough football. So he would go out with the guys on Fridays and stuff. So I was like, what are you talking about? what was going through your head when he switched up? I was just super confused. I had no idea what was going on because it wasn't like us. We were so close. We were the type who sat and snuggled on the couch every day or, you know,

made dinner together and went on vacations and, yeah, we had literally just bought a camper on a permanent site on a lake. That's a big deal. Right before that, yeah. And that was supposed to be where we would go hang out. And then that next summer he just left me there pretty much the whole summer, claiming he had to work and um yeah it was it was a so he like didn't hang out with you no no emotionally it was heartbreaking like i said i truly loved my husband i loved him with everything i had and i

thought he felt the same about me so when i felt him pulling away it almost made me feel sick because i'm like what is going on like i was so i did not even understand at all where this came were you blaming yourself like what have i done well yes i was blaming myself because i'm a very open person. So I would always tell him what's bothering me. And he wasn't. He would always hide everything in. So I'd be like, please just open up to me. Like, give me a list. Write it down. Because at that point, he'd be like, oh, it's not you, but everything you do bothers me. So I'm like, well, tell me what bothers you and I'll work on it. But he can never give me specifics of what bothered him, just everything I did bothered him. You know, I, I talked to him a certain way. One time he told me,

I go, give me one thing, one thing that I've ever done to you. And he doesn't drink. So one night we were out. And he was like, I don't know. probably telling me to not drink anymore or whatever, which I barely ever go out anyways. But I was like, okay, dad, you know, like calm down. And so that was the only thing he could come up with is the one time I called him dad while we were out. So he was grasping at straws. Yes. Yes.

So I got him to go to marriage counseling. How did that conversation go? I begged and pleaded for it to go to couples therapy. He had already been in therapy himself and he wanted me to go to my own first. He's like, yes, we should go to couples. therapy, but you need your own, you have your own issues you need to work on. So I would go there and even with her, I'd be like, I just don't understand what's going on and I'd be like, but I don't really think my husband would ever cheat on me. I don't think

that's him. I really think he's going through something, but things are adding up. And then finally, I made an appointment and we went. And the first couple sessions were good. At first I thought I was going okay. He would talk about things. Like he all of a sudden I had like ED problems and he was going to get, you know, medication. Like a rectial dysfunction? Okay. Yes. So, but then he would turn it around and blame it on me. Like, I was the problem. You know, I was the one causing him to have issues. He would tell me, he didn't feel like I was attracted to him, and I'm making it weird, because after a while, trying, when it's not working, it is awkward. And he would act like, I was making it awkward to him. And it was going to the doctors, getting medication,

but then he went take it. And I was like, that's weird. Like, why wouldn't you take it? Mackenzie, we both love a deal. And I just learned about- Say less. Yeah. So, and we're both a little bit rebellious. And I just learned about Rebel. Have you heard of Rebel? Oh, yeah, I have heard of them. Actually, they, I just, I mean, this has got to be new. Well, it's great. It's the place to go where you get the brand names you actually want at prices that are such a win, like literally up to 70% off. So you don't have to choose between the brand you want and the price you want. It removes the tradeoff. And there's constantly new fines dropping all.

the time. There's always something worth checking for. And it's a very cool concept. Basically, it just buys returns and overstock from direct brands. It has those relationships so that you can get the actual high quality great products that you want at a better price. Oh, I like this. While they last. That's the one thing. It's the kind of place where it's like you want to be checking to make sure you're getting those savings up to 70% off, like I said, while the fines last. So it's really fun, honestly. It makes it kind of fun to get those steals. I'm obsessed with that. There's nothing better than getting a sale. There's Caraway, Nisproso, Ninja. Literally, I just opened to the hot deals page. There's a eight-piece cookware set from Caraway, 51% off. Oh, okay. Are you kidding? Your next favorite find is waiting at

fromrebel.com. F-R-O-M-R-E-B-E-L dot com. Top brands in home, baby, and outdoor, up to 70 off, go check it out before it's gone. And don't pay full price again. Go to fromreble.com, F-R-O-M-R-E-B-E-L.com, home, baby, outdoor, and more. All add up to 70% off, the brands you already love. So when this started happening, you're three years into being married, six years together? Probably four and a half years together. Okay, so you're with this guy several years.

Four and a half years married, sorry. I think I was married. We were together for like seven and a half years. So you know him pretty well by this point. And along with him kind of saying these things and blowing up at you for no apparent reason, what was his age? Like is this where maybe this could be like a midlife thing that guys go through? That's exactly what I thought it was.

And that's what my counselor would say too. Like, oh, you know, guys do go through something. I mean, he got so bad that he'd be like, just snuggle me. I don't know what's going on with me. When we go to bed at night, he'd be like, just hold me. So during those times, did you feel sorry for him? Like, oh, man, he really is going through something. And I can help him.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I really truly thought I had this great person. And so I started opening up to people at work and telling them, I don't know what he's going through, but he's going through something. So like I said, I got us right into marriage counseling. Was he going to individual counseling as well? Like you were both doing individual counseling?

Okay. He was. He was going to individual. He had been an individual. ever since we had met pretty much. Which is green flag, unless he's a compulsive liar. Right. That's the problem. Because then it first started, he would tell me that his first, his counselor, she was telling him, like, if I don't stop, he's going to resent me. And I'm like,

what did I even do? Like, I had no idea. And did you have any moments that were the same as before during this period? Were there any signs of the old person you knew? Oh, yeah. We went to, we went to Florida to go visit my one son and we had a great trip we talked on the way there I'm like things have been so awkward I don't understand what's going on

we had this great trip and then we were on our way home and my phone had died I was looking up the directions I had it sitting on my knee so I was like well let me just see your phone so I can look up MapQuest or whatever and he was like

why they got all weird and was like trying to find it on his own phone and I'm like I'm pretty sure I can handle Google just hand me your phone. So he handed over and I looked it up or whatever, and I put it on my knee. And probably a minute in, he grabbed it and put it in the middle. And I was like, what are you hiding? I was like, I know you're hiding something. Yeah. And he's like, no, I'm not. You're crazy. Like, I don't know what you're talking. I'm like, you're hiding something. Like, what is it? So we got a huge fight in the car. We end up getting over. He ended up apologizing, being like, I don't know why I did that. That was so dumb.

it's not a really even that big of a deal. Like if you have my phone and like, yeah. Yeah, because now he's had time to go to the bathroom and delete whatever texts he had in there. Exactly. So once we got home from that trip, I waited for him to put that phone down. I waited and waited. And finally, he fell asleep on the couch and left his phone sitting in the kitchen. And I went in there and I picked it up.

And she texted right then and there. So I ended up picking up the phone. And I hurried and wrote the number down. real quick. And then I went out on the couch and I said, hey, wake up. He's like, what? And I said, who the fuck is Madeline? And he was like, what are you talking about? You're crazy. I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean? I'm like, you don't because she just texted you that her daughter's in the hospital. So I said, get out of my house. And I went in the bathroom and I started screenshoting everything on his phone. Like I took his phone. I hit in the bathroom and

started screenshoting and he's like just give me my phone I'll leave I'll leave so I said okay so I literally threw his phone down broke it into like a million pieces and gave it to him he can leave period I said I wrote the number down real quick I went start screenshoting well when he left I wrote the number down wrong so now I'm trying to call every single digit that can make sense in this number and then he had their name spelt wrong in the phone so I'm Googling everything I possibly can to find these people every single thing and then I end up going on Venmo and and putting in... Great place for research.

Heart of the number, and they have a memo and it popped up. And then once I had their last name, then obviously I went to Facebook. So I ended up contacting the husband, and I started messaging everybody and being like, hey, your wife's cheating with my husband. What did they say? And he, basically, they were like, you are crazy. All of them? All of them?

We worked together. We are all friends. Even the husband? He wasn't suspicious at all? Nope. Nope. I felt very confused because I didn't. know what to believe. I mean, when the husband says, whatever, you're crazy, I know all about them,

them talking. I'm always there when they talk. And she's saying that. But I still, it didn't make sense. Like, why would you talk to another? Like, I could see if him and the guy talked, but nobody, I don't, when you're married, you just don't do that. So we went to marriage counseling and he had my marriage counselor convinced that he was telling the truth about everything. He had my marriage counselor convinced this was their friend and in my marriage counselor, be like, Why are you, why are you getting so mad? Like, why do you think this? My marriage counselor was like, Ivy, he can have friends.

So then you probably feel even more crazy because your counselor is saying, well, he can have, the counselor's giving absolutely no plausibility to the idea that he could be anything more than friends with this person. Yep. Yep. But I was just like, maybe, like, maybe it just really is me. Like, he loves me. Why would he ever do that to me?

You know, like, he's so good to me. He literally just handed over his paycheck every week. And he'd bring me home flowers every week and snacks every day from work. And he was the one who's big on kissing and hugging and grabbing my butt. But then he would say that I was, you know, jealous and paranoid. Your husband and my husband. You know, you're just jealous. Why are you like that?

Why are you jealous? I come home to you every night. And I'm always here. And I don't do anything. So then when everything went down, I'm like, okay, well, maybe I really am losing it. Like I know I'm going through hitting that age of premenopausal stuff. So I'm like, maybe it really is just me. COVID definitely took me down having a business.

Maybe you already feel crazy a little bit. So, yeah. So once I realized I'm like, I need to go get put on something because I was having panic attacks all the time. I went and got put on medication. I went to my doctor. I got put on stuff. He watched me do all this, right? So I didn't know how to react, you know?

I was just so confused. I was so confused with everything. And kind of just living in a blur. And at that point, I had started some medication, and that took some of the feelings away. Wait, yeah. So you felt the impact of the medication dull your life in other places, too. And you weren't on this medication because you were being gaslit. Like you probably didn't even need the medication.

Yeah, yeah. And like I said, he would cry. He would cry to me. Lay on my lap and cry and be like, I swear it's not you. It's just me. I don't know what I'm going through. And yet anytime anything comes up, he says, you're crazy. You're being dramatic.

You need to go to therapy. Oh, okay. So it's not me. Yeah, you're just insecure. I don't know why you're so insecure. You're not attracted to me. Yeah. Which I was never an insecure woman ever.

And he did. He took it all for me. He took me a while to build back up for sure. I bet it did. But he, so after that, I just kind of sat and waited. And that summer, I had pretty much spent the whole summer at the camper. And he claimed to work. So I didn't really think anything.

Was it his idea to go to the camper? Like, let's go to the camper. And then you would just be there and he would just be. I was just so miserable at that time not knowing what was going on that I would get off of work on a Thursday night and I would go there until a Monday night. So I'd come back. I'd work my three days and then I would go back. And you were just going through like just going through the motions of marriage, it sounds like, right? And he'd be like, I can't believe you're leaving me.

I'm like, you can come to the camper. I don't. Like I wanted him to come. And we'd set up date nights and he would get out there and I'd get all this food to make a special dinner and desserts and stuff. And then he'd be like, oh, I forgot to tell you I had a football game in a moment. tomorrow and then he would just leave me there. So then after that come June it was his 50th birthday and I decided to book us a trip and he was like vacations don't fix problems I don't even know if I want to go and I'm like it's your birthday like let's just get out of here and

go and try to reconnect and maybe that's what we need to get away from everybody and that whole week before he just argued with me over the dumbest things like one day he came in and told me I was looking at him weird and I'm like what are you talking about but anyways we are on the plane and the plane landing and I shut my phone off airplane mode and it just blows up. What? Yep. And this girl just tells me everything.

Who? What girl? The same girl. The wife. And what does the first text say? Like I want to hear this. Oh, because she's mad at him about something. Because he left with me on vacation.

Because he told me he wasn't going because he'd even pack to the morning up that we left. He was trying to get out of it. So they were fighting. Yep. And he went on vacation with you. She got mad and just. blew up and told you everything. What did she say? She was saying, don't get on that plane. He's a liar. So I'm reading and I was like, what is this? And he's like, I told you she's crazy. I think

she felt different than I did. And then she calls me. And I ended up answering the call on the plane. And she just told me, I mean, everything, like that it's been years that they've been seeing, talking or whatever. And he's just denying, right? Deny, deny, deny, deny. And she's saying, I talked to him this morning. And he's going, no, I didn't. She's crazy. So we get off plane and I said let me see your phone and he opens it up he's like I don't know why you never believe me obviously something's wrong with her maybe she's having problems in her own marriage and he opened it up and there was pictures that she had sent him of my house in my car and I looked him in his face and I said that that day so after we left she must have drove here to see if he left with me or not and when his car

wasn't here then she flipped out so I just looked at his face and I go, she loves you. And he's like, you're crazy. What do you mean? I'm like, no woman is going to show up another woman's house if they're not in love. Uh-uh. So I basically said, you know what? You can go fuck yourself.

It's over. And I walked away in the airport. And I never looked back. I just found out everything after the fact, though. So how did you feel in that moment? I mean, my heart just dropped to the floor. It was awful, honestly. After the fact, obviously, it was relieving, and I knew what I had to do, and I knew it was going to be hard.

But to actually get it and know that you're right, like, I didn't want to be right. You know what I mean? I wanted to be married. I enjoyed being married. I loved my life. I felt like if I continued my vacation with him, I was going to go to jail. So luckily, so back that January, I went on vacation with one of my best friends, and we met two of the most amazing women ever. They're literally my best friends now.

And they were in the city we were going to. So they're like, oh, we'll give you a ride. You know, you don't call an Uber. I'll pick you up from the airport. We'll drop you up at your hotel. So I was like, cool. So luckily, she was coming to get me. So I walk away from him and I just, I never looked back.

I said, you can go home. Like, I'm going on vacation. You go home. So she texts me and my friend's like, hey, I'm five minutes out. And I said, okay, well, I left my husband at the airport. So she gets there and she's like, oh, shit, you really left your husband at the airport. I'm like, yes, I did. So she's like, okay, well, I'm not taking your hotel.

We're going to go to my house. Like, we're going to regroup and figure this all out. So she took me in and the first day I drank a lot. That's kind of like the most beautiful thing to arrive to after the most horrible breakup of your life. Just your friend picking you up. Like, come over. We're going to drink and talk. And I literally met these people for such, like, they came in my life right when I needed them.

Oh, I love that. I mean, she called off a work for the. weekend like she they took yeah it was great and in the meantime he's texting me I go or he's he's text he's like I can't believe you left me at the airport and I'm like I already looked at the bichie town for years I know I go I already looked at the bank account you already have a ticket home like what do you like go home and he's like oh you're already looking at the bank account like just still flipping it on me right so he comes home to do some damage control and by the next day they're both like we never said it was physical

you know, we're just friends. You're creating so much drama. I don't give a shit if it's physical or not at this point. Like you're, it's too much. Well, she's like, you know, I'm sorry. I just have a lot going on with my husband and my dad died and all this stuff going on. And I'm like, I don't really care. Like, it's over.

And so when I came back from vacation, when I left him at the airport, I went straight to my camper. I tried to work. I worked. I did a couple clients and I had to leave. I couldn't even be there. because I couldn't talk to people not knowing what I was going to do. Right. So I went to my camper and I stayed there for a month and I broke down to nothing.

I shattered literally to nothing. My friends would come up and bring me food once in a while because they knew I wasn't eating. I wasn't, I didn't do anything. I literally just laid in bed and cried for days. And then finally one day I decided to start listening to Self-Help podcast. And I picked myself up and I was like, okay, this one podcast said. Yeah, we need the list. The Let Them is the one that was the main one.

Oh, Mel Robbins. Yep. And in it, she said like, okay, I know you don't want to get out of bed, but count backwards and just get up. Five, right? Yeah. And that's what I did. I literally did the next day. And then I started walking my dog with three to five miles a day.

And I just had to find myself again. And once I built myself back up, there was no going back. Like, there was no turning around. I was never be in that spot. I will never let anybody take me to that spot ever again in my life. Then I had the chance to go in and talk to my doctor who got me through it too. And, you know, she did, like I still take a little something, but she put me on the right medication to deal with what I was actually dealing with and not just to numb my pain.

Taking meds that you don't need is never okay. Like, that's never. That's never. That's not okay. And the worst, I mean, the worst part is the effect on your health. The second worst part is him watching it happen. Yeah. No, he is good and damn well.

I would lay next to him every. single night and cry for a year, for an entire year. And he just let it happen. Like instead of being a man and telling the truth, you just let me tear myself down to nothing. And that's just crazy to me. How he could look me in the face every day and just lie. So I called my lawyer and set up an appointment for the Monday. I went to the lawyer's office. I filed. Well, first I filed for legal separation because he works at a university and one of my sons went to school there, so we got it for free. So I wanted him to finish school first before he was final. So after that, when I finally came home, we never stayed in the same house together.

We would flip-flop the camper in the house for the first few months, and then finally he moved out. And then I also did go back and see our marriage therapist one last time. My ex was not getting over things. And I think my marriage therapist was giving him the wrong idea that we were going to work things out, is what my stepkids had told me. And so I went in there and I walked in. and I was like, come on. I go, I told you, because I did tell him. Yeah, did you get any kind of.

He apologized. Yeah, he did apologize. I mean, he definitely, I was like, was I not right? You know, and I just told him, I go, there's no chance of us ever getting back together. So like, if that's what you're telling him, stop. No matter what he does, no matter how much help he gets, it's not happening. Well, because it's not worth your piece. No, I'm not, yeah, I was not going to sit around.

I was so depressed at that point. Like, I, I mean, he, he, he. really took my self-esteem and self- like he didn't just cheat he literally dragged me down in the process to make me question everything about myself to where I literally lost my self-worth and my self-esteem and it took me a long time to get it back I'm glad you're sharing that part because there's this first like take at this story you sound so incredibly strong just so you know from the outside and I want to know so even though he broke down your self-esteem how did you have a strength to walk away. Because that's the thing. A lot of people get to that point and they stay

longer and longer and longer. See, for me, it wasn't like that. I know, I know my worth and I knew I could do it on my own. No matter what it took, I will do it on my own. So for me, it was more just waiting for that proof to leave because he had already checked out a year before. And with him checking out, I was still trying everything to try to make it work, but then I started to check it. Like, I knew, I just knew. I knew what was going on. But he didn't want me to leave him. He didn't want to be with her. He would show up at places I was at on his hands and he's crying at my feet

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That's Join Deleteme.com slash dating detectives code TDD. Well then one day I found out that because I would something, sometimes message her just to get info, right? Pretend I was like her friend or whatever for my divorce. And she's still giving you the information? Oh, she was still giving me info, yeah. Because she's mad and she stayed mad. Okay.

Yep. So one day she sent me a pitcher and she had tattooed his name all the way down her arm. What? Ew. The pole inside of her arm says his name straight down it. So come October, he must have broke it off with her. And she called me and told me everything. They had been seeing each other for four years.

Oh my God She did not work with him He met her at the strip club And did you not know that he ever went to strip clubs No, he was so weird about them I want a hair salon So we have our big parties and stuff And sometimes we end up there

And he'd be like, that is so gross Why would people want to go there? Like, I'm not wasting my money there But now I know it was because he was scared He was going to run into people he knew So he ended up admitting to me That he would go there on the two days I work late And hang out there

When he claimed he had to work late He admitted to two other women that he apparently had sex with at the club, but they, you know, used condoms. So apparently that was supposed to be okay. Oh, so nasty. They bought a house together. Wait, who did? Him and my ex and his mistress. Not the one who has his tattoo.

Yeah, the one who has a tattoo, the one who's married. They bought a house? Yeah, so I guess it was a house in downtown or whatever. that you can get super cheap because they're trying to fix up the downtown area, and they're just going to flip it. And y'all were not divorced yet? Oh, no, no. So in the end, he ended up having a secret bank account that I found. It was $32,000 that he spent in a three-year span on toy shops, hotel rooms, strip clubs, prison calls.

Apparently she was in prison for like eight months or something. What? For what? We don't know. So there's a whole stabbing story, which I don't know the whole thing of it. So my husband had said that she had stabbed her husband. What? She had told me at some point that she got stabbed seven times because of the plumber. What?

I'm so confused. But nobody will ever come clean with what actually happened with the whole stabbing story. But she was in jail for a long time, so I know that. And she does have a record. That's messed up. She does have, you know, she's been to jail for the future. Yeah, how do we find that, McKenzie? The public record search?

Feel free to share whatever we do. I mean, I searched everything. I couldn't find that. And the crazy part, I told him one day I go, so she was in jail for six months. He talked to her three to five times a day. I go, not one time in that six months, did you look at me and think,

what am I doing? Like, she's not even around. Like, what is wrong with you? It wasn't physical then. Right. That's the only time their lie was true. Right, exactly. I wish I had, I mean,

I wish I had the records, because we only went back three years for the lawyers, but I wish I had it before that of the secret bank account, but then again, I'm kind of glad I don't. Because that was a lot to see. I mean, like holidays, he was at sex shops buying her things, but would come home to me and be like,

oh, I didn't know we celebrated. Oh, my God. Yeah. He went on vacation, which the one and only time he said he wanted to go four-wheeling with his friends from work, and this is what he needed to do. And I thought the whole thing was weird when he was there because it was first time really going away.

he never called me to say anything and then I would call him and he'd act all weird about it and then after I found out about her I'm like did you go there with her he's no no that's crazy you know I went there with my friends well after getting the bank account records he definitely was there with her I mean we're talking hundreds of hotel rooms it's it's crazy okay so somebody stabbed somebody everybody's lying everybody's lying they have a house now they have tattoos

they have this huge bank account that money was taken from and in the meantime when my youngest was home, he's in the military now he left last year, but when he was home, my ex kept saying, because I, you know, I own a business, so cash comes home and he'd be like, there's cash mission, there's cash missing, and I'm like, what are you talking about? Well, really, it was him taking it, blaming it on my, and then he's like, I know that he's taking it, and I'm like, he would never. Oh, my God.

Why would he do that? And really, it was him taking it. So who knows how much he robbed me blind. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And to blame your children? Oh, fuck that guy. Yeah.

Okay. Tell me about how the husband is okay. Like, was he a cuck? Like, what's going on? He was. Yeah, they were having sex together, videotaping it, and sending it to her husband to get off to. And he liked that. And he liked that.

Yeah. Okay. So the cuck thing is if you're not familiar, is where a spouse enjoys watching their partner with somebody else. And that's sexually gratifying. them. It's a level of humiliation, degradation. But also, consent is always involved in those things. And if he's a married man and you're, you don't know what's happening, then you're not consent. There's no, yeah, there's no informed consent on your part. Absolutely. Right. Yep. That's so gross. So stabby stab lady is telling you the truth. Yep. So she tells me

the truth about how long they've been seeing each other. She kept saying something about a white I think he was like promising her that they were going to get married, all this stuff. Now, in the meantime, when he was going through his issues, he started seeing a priest to do these guys' retreats, and he just felt like maybe he was missing his direction. And, you know, every Tuesday or Wednesday, he would go do that. Well, apparently he was telling her that he was seeing a priest so they could get married in a Catholic church one day. So he'd tell her that.

And then he would tell her that on the weekends, he was going to the hospital to get mental help checking himself in every Friday to Sunday so that way she wouldn't call when he was home with me. That day I went and changed my, because originally I filed for legal separation, I changed it to divorce that day. Wait, but what's the deal with the divorce now? You said he has to, you're paying him? So I had to pay him. I had my house first, so I had to pay him whatever was paid off together, half of it, and then half the equity, but unfortunately house values have doubled since I bought my house, so I had to pay him a pretty good chunk. But I did talk it down, like I did do negotiating and got it down.

And the $32,000, thank God, I found a secret bank account because it came right off the top. And then I gave him a car camper and stuff that came off the top. And yeah, but last Wednesday, I finally paid his ass off and I never have to see him again. Thank God. Cheers. Cheers to that. You know, the lies that he'd come up with are just insane. Now he tells people that I cheated on him.

he actually just sent me a picture a couple weeks ago of him and his new girlfriend in Rome. Why? I have no idea why. Like he meant to send me our divorce agreement or something, and he sent me that. Wait, that's pathetic. Yep. What did you do when you saw that? Were you just like...

I screenshot it, and I sent it back to him, and I said, I hope you're playing crashes. And that was it. And I had to talk to him because he never canceled my health insurance. I was trying to get different health insurance. So I had to talk to him. And he just, he'll still say, you know, it never had to be like this. Because he would threaten me. He'd always say, well, if you just give me a chance, I'll show you.

And then you can have everything. But if not, then I'm taking half of everything. So you're not going to hold that over my head, fella. I was like, I would rather DoorDash and make money than ever go back with you. I you are not worth any of that I get it I so get it good for you so he's not with tattoo girl nope he's not with tattoo girl from what I understand this it looks like another poor victim girl she looks nice enough so the tattoo girl and her husband are they still together yep they look like they're still together do you think he was this way before he met that woman

and 100% hit it really well it wasn't like Like he had changed. I think that he was this way in his last marriage. I mean, me and me and his ex are friends. I think he was the exact same way in that marriage. But everybody thought he had changed when he met me. Like nobody, literally nobody would have ever guessed this. I mean, what's he like a little bit of a flirt sometimes when it went out?

Yeah. Right. I would say, but I didn't really think anything besides that, you know, we really, everybody thought he changed. I mean, and I always, you know, back then I thought like people can change. Now I don't necessarily believe that. He was busy. You're like, how does he have?

the time? Literally, how does he have the time? I mean, Ralph's football four days a week. He had school two days a week, but I think he was going to work, clocking in, leaving to do all this stuff because he's a plumber, so he's not really watched at work. It's a big university. And I think that he would go do his thing and come back, and then he'd work overtime to get all his work done. So when I would call him, I could tell he was at work, you know what I mean? And during the day, he didn't really talk because he always say he was busy. and I'm usually busy too, so. So he's gaming the system there too.

And you didn't have time to babysit him. You just trusted your husband. I did. I was the person who trusted everybody, which is kind of the crappy part. You know, after something like this happens, now my fear is I won't trust anybody ever again. And it's hard too because you don't even want to trust yourself.

Right. Well, you were right the whole time. I hope that helped you gain that trust back. And the craziest part about it all, honestly, is I'm sure a lot of people feel like this, but I'm not a dumb girl. Like, I'm not the one who just avoids the situation. I was on top of everything. I just didn't have the proof. He was really good at hiding it. Yep. Man, no, we, that's every, every person we talk to is like, I feel dumb. And if I always say, your fintuition never needs evidence. We feel it in our gut, but we want the

proof because we don't want to blame someone for something they didn't do. Because I'd always be like, well, yeah, my gut feels this way, but there's no way he has time to do. this. I do like someone told me once one of my friends, he said, because I'm like, I'm broken. I know I'm broken. I don't know if I'll be able to date or trust or fully commit to anybody again. He said, you're not broken. You're cracked. And cracks are fixable, which I thought was like a good, you know. I like that. A good one. Well, I don't know if there's anything else you'd want the audience to know what going through what you've been through because you sound like it is way better on the other side in a lot of ways. I would want people to know. I would want people to know that

It always works out. Like if you feel so lost and, you know, I got stuck with all this debt that I'm trying to pay off and it was stressful, but it's so much better. Like I have besides those little things, which that'll be fine and I'll figure out a way to take care of those, my life isn't stressful anymore. Like I get to wake up not with a pit in my stomach or not wondering what he's doing and who he's talking to and laying in bed at night wanting to grab his phone and check it but being scared that he might get up and see me do it. or it was so dumb. I don't want a relationship like that. A relationship shouldn't be like that. I mean, it just makes you go crazy.

Like, I even found an old phone of his and went and had it turned back on so I could see if there was text in there. Like, it's just not worth it. For what? When there's somebody out there who will treat you great? Or just have fun dating. Like, I'm just having fun dating

and getting to know people and meeting people and just living my life. And I would also say to other people, don't be embarrassed. Because that was my hardest part. is embarrassment of it. Because I talked so proud about him that to have to tell everyone he was such a dirt bag

was devastating. And there's no point of being embarrassed. Like, he's the one he needs to be embarrassed. He told me a couple weeks ago when we had to talk for the insurance thing that I have embarrassed him so bad that he can't even live in the city we live in. And I go, no, you embarrassed you and you embarrassed me.

And I will tell the truth a hundred times over and over again. Um, what in the actual dogfish? This guy is, okay, first of all. He's a baby. He's a big, fat baby. And the fact that he's still coming around, like, saying, it sounds like he still wants that marriage with Ivy. And does he, I mean, that's not fair. Go away. No, I think is Ivy incredible? And yes, would be a terrible wife in person to lose. Yes. But I just think it's all about his own self-image and validation. ego and the idea that someone could reject him and he can't be in control is just in like not something he can handle you know like the minute if she were to say okay fine I'll give you

another chance you think he's going to change in fact he's probably going to be two months later like ooh you're bothering me again like I think he's just so wrapped up in his own life and it's disgusting and he obviously doesn't care about anybody but himself because I mean the worst part I think there's a lot of bad parts, but him gaslighting her to the extent that he did is dangerous. No, that's so dangerous for her because if you're on medications that you don't really need, that's dangerous for your mental health. Like you never know what path that could lead someone down.

But also the physical, the physical attribution of actual medication to our physical health. That can be dangerous. Like, stop it. Well, she said it got to the point. where it was like she thought something was wrong with her, and she just didn't want to feel everything anymore, which is devastating. But it also just makes you even more susceptible to lies.

I mean, we've totally had stories before we had one specifically where the dogfish was intentionally drugging her repeatedly and then convincing her that she had multiple personality disorder. That was crazy. But when you are, you're just easier to manipulate. And I think somebody who can sit there and watch you, cry, watch you struggle. That's horrible. And know that they're the reason. It's not normal. Diabolical.

How did you feel about the advice you got when people said, just give it 100%. I don't know. I still stand by like when your, when your gut is screaming at you, your Femtuation never needs evidence. We seek it. We want it. It would feel better if we had it. And so that's why we don't usually take action until we have evidence, but your gut is always right. So the fact that people are saying, give it 100%. I think it's in good, I think it's in good, like, they have good intentions. Because they're saying like, they're basically saying, just give it all you got so that at the end of the day, you can sleep well at night knowing that you tried your best, right? But also, if you know that you just know in your heart of hearts that something is wrong, I think she was right

to do the gray rocking thing where she's like, okay, I'm just going to stand by and just see what happens because I still don't trust this. And so I mean, she's protecting herself. You have to look out for you first. Yeah. So I mean, I don't, I haven't been married. I haven't had kids involved in anything. So I always hesitate to like say what someone should do in that situation. But to me, it almost seems like that advice is better. This might sound counterintuitive, but better early in the When you're like, oh, there's nothing terrible. I can't tell if they're the one, but I kind of don't have a reason not to. I see where somebody might be like, just give it 100%, just try it because then you know.

And maybe it'll, you know, like sometimes you're not like, they're not the type that you saw. And then you stick with them. But further along, she even said, she said, I can look at him until he's lying. I can see his face. Right. Like at that point, it's like you already gave it 100%. Like you gave it more than 100%.

Yeah, you already know by this point. I know. So it's tricky. I'm curious what people think about that advice because the fact that a lot of people gave it to her and made it feel like it was her fault for doubting him. And she needed to believe him. Like, oh, well, you should give him, you can give somebody the benefit of the doubt, but still hold on to that fom tuition and just know something is wrong. And you can still wait for the evidence while you're protecting yourself. Yeah, I'm curious. I'd be curious when people, because I know so many people who listen to us have been in. their own dogfish story. What's the worst piece of advice somebody gave you? What's a piece of advice that you look back on and you think that was the least helpful thing you could have said. I'm very curious if somebody's something bad. I would like to know too. Like what is what's your worst piece of advice? Someone's given you about a relationship. So put it on Patreon or on Spotify. They have comments

and on our social media dating detectives podcast. So we want to hear what you think. of the episode, send any support to Ivy. We always try to pass it along to the guest and then tell me your worst piece of advice you've gotten. Just to point out, if they're gaslighting you into thinking you're crazy, they're probably gaslighting everyone around you, too, to make them think that you're crazy. So you always look like the bad guy and they always look like the good guy. That is, I think, super common.

So the advice comes a lot of times from the idea that you are crazy. the idea comes from the belief that this person has put in their head that you're the crazy one. Keep your people, keep your friends close, and you be there for your friends because you never know when they're going to need to be there for you. Yeah. And I hope that I'm glad she has a support system like she does. She's so lucky because not a lot of people have that. And so I think that's nice that her friends really rallied around her. 40 people came to her divorce party.

That's iconic. That's amazing. Amazing. I love that. I love that. I love all of you guys. And thank you so much for listening and supporting us and letting us be a platform for people like Ivy who just like at the end. It always makes me feel good when they say, you know, talking it is the best, talking about it is the best therapy for me. Yeah.

No. And we love being an ear for you. So thank you so much. And as always, trust your fentuation. Yeah. You really meant that one.