The Dating Detectives - Farmers Only Part 2

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

Click here to join our Patreon! For only $5 a month you will get 2 extra episodes a month, monthly virtual live events, and access to our community page! If you've been dogfished and want to share your story on the show, email [e-mail] or contact us through our website using this link This episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by Dipsea. For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/ TDD This episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by HungryRoot. Right now, Hungryroot is offering The Dating Detectives listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to Hungryroot.com/TDD, to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies! This episode is sponsored by BÉIS. Right now, BÉIS is offering our listeners 15% off your first purchase by visiting BEISTRAVEL.com/TDD This episode of The Dating Detectives is sponsored by Quince. For free shipping and 365 day returns on your order visit quince.com/TDD ***The following Program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following Program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-733 for support. Hi, hi, happy Monday. It's dating detectives time. Part two, y'all. We're ready.

Listen. First of all, if you didn't listen to part one, go listen to it and then come back to this one because otherwise you will be very sad. And confused. And a lot confused. Thank you. Very, very much confused. So we're picking back up with Harper's story. We'll give you a little recap and then we'll jump in.

Harper is a farm girl, grew up on the farm, family has a farm. She works afar. I'm saying, I'm like, I want to say what she does specifically, but I don't really know anything about farming. But I know she, like, raises the cattle and the sheep and the, she just does all the things. We learned a lot about farming. So Harper starts dating this other rancher man who kind of moves in a little too quickly.

A lot quick. Yeah. And he's also like nine years older. She's 22, I think. She's young. He moves in. everything is beautiful, hunky dory, except that he's like asking to borrow money, right? He kind of was like, spot me. But their fiancés. So it's like, do you, like you're in this point. And so that's

really tricky. Yeah, we talked about that. We'll learn a little bit more in this episode. And also keep in mind that his daughter had moved in with him kind of part time. He got kind of part custody or whatever. And so the visitation. Her name's Taylor, right? Yeah, Taylor. And so they, yeah. So this is, it gets sticky, it gets tricky. And also, there's some disclaimers. Hannah, Hannah, share the disclaimers. Well, one, obviously there's a lot of health stuff that it ended, the big cliffhanger. She has amnesia after an accident on a horse and goes through many months of not being able to remember what happened yesterday. Like, her memory resets to before the accident. She gets married and doesn't remember the wedding. So that's like where she's at when we come into this. And the story gets

It gets tough. There's definite abuse and some depression, suicide discussion, rape. And then we really want to stress like a miscarriage, unwanted miscarriage, because it's really a tough story. And if that is something that is hard for you, we totally, totally understand and just want you to either be prepared or choose whether or not it's a story for you. Really, really tough topics. And if you don't choose to listen, but you want to know the ending, just DM us. We'll tell you. I mean, we get it. Yeah. We'll give you the Cliff's notes. Yeah, but we love you all. And these stories are so important, even when they're difficult. And she's awesome and doing, well, I have to remind myself that as I hear these. I'm always like, she's doing okay. She's doing okay now. That's why she's here. She's doing okay now. Yeah. And just the bravery and the courage to tell this story is I'm just, I'm so proud of her. I can't wait to hear more from her. And just real quick, you guys, I want to tell you before we get into this story, we got an exciting email from a dude about it. It was a cat. It wasn't exactly like a dogfish thing, but it was a catfish story, but a guy actually found

the courage to write into us. And so on Wednesday, we're going to talk about that on the Patreon. And so you'll want to listen to that. So make sure that you sign it for the Patreon. It's only $5 a month. So sign it for the Patreon. You can find the link in the Cliffs Notes in the show notes. And yeah, go sign it for the Patreon. You get two bonus episodes a month, but you have to hear the story. Speaking of Patreon and dudes, Megara, I hope I'm pronouncing that right, is a Patreon listener, and we want to give a shout out to Magara's two guy friends because she said she has two guy friends who have dogfish stories, but they don't want to share because they're convinced that no one will

care. Girl, let them know, play this for them. We care. We are here for you. You are not alone. There are other men who have talked about this and have expressed the same kind of insecurity and feeling like they're dumb or weak or whatever, which we all feel that way when something like this happens.

But we get it. It doesn't feel manly or whatever. But that's not even a thing. Like, just we're so here for you and you could help so many people if you. Yeah, that's what I was going to say is that when if you share your story, you just never know who you could impact or who you could help. So please if you feel so inclined, please know that we will provide a voice for you or a platform.

And we really do want to share your story. Like, yeah, they're interesting. And it's like, holy crap. like you can't believe this stuff happens. But also your story is just as important. And we want it to be more, like we want this to be very, you know, for anybody. So allow us to be that platform and that voice for you. So anyways, let's hear more from Harper.

Let's get into it. I, we need to, you guys just, just listen. So I hit my head in August. And essentially six months later, I finally wake up from this. haze of my brain injury and I am in a living nightmare. For the last six months, my now husband has been acting to my friends and family like he's taking care of me and taking me to doctor's appointments and handling all the finances. And on the outside, it looked like he was really my savior. What was really going on behind closed doors was not that. But because of my brain injury,

I didn't know what was going on and I couldn't stop him. It was a very confusing time. I could kind of remember like he wasn't around. And then all of a sudden he would tell me that he was around, that I didn't remember right. I would look back at text messages and go, well, this is what you said. And it's like, nope, you're crazy.

You're imagining it. I would look back at like phone calls at like 2 a.m. where I would be calling him going, where are you? I'm home by myself, especially with a toddler. And he, no, don't you remember? I was home. I was just sleeping on the couch. Really confusing time.

And I just didn't know up from down. I didn't know what was real. What was a dream? What was reality at that point? And you said Ryan's not very attentive during doctor's appointments. You kind of remember. Yeah, he's kind of on the phone. I mean,

Like what's his vibe? I mean, you don't remember from your own account. As far as I can kind of piece together, like the little tidbits I get, he's just kind of aloof. Okay. So not really. Yeah. So he wasn't super helpful.

He didn't step up. He's there. He's like, look, I drove you here. I'm paying attention. That's like, you're sitting on your phone. It wasn't like when Tommy broke his foot. He wasn't like, oh my gosh, I need to be. This isn't a big issue, obviously.

So now we're getting into like spring of 2016. right. And I've still got lambs. I'm still out in the barn. My parents are helping me a ton with doing chores. I'm now a little bit more active trying to get out. But you still don't remember nothing. I can remember now a little bit more. Okay. Like I definitely have bigger pieces of memory. Sure. So lambing season. So I, you know, deal with my babies, get them on the ground, and I sell them at two months old. And so I ended up with like $3,000 or something like that in cash. And I made a comment of, oh, you know, I need to run it to the bank. And my bank is 25 minutes away.

Okay. And so Ryan's like, oh, don't worry. I'll go take it into the bank. Oh, boy. So you don't have to drive. You seem like you're kind of getting a headache and you're out of it. Don't worry about it. I'll go take it in.

Let me take care of that for you. Yeah, like 6 o'clock at night. And he's like, I can just go run into the ATM, not a big deal. deal. Oh, no. Okay. Sure. Like, I can do it tomorrow. Whatever. Not a big deal. He's like, no, no, no, I'll do it. Not a big deal. I'll take care of it. Well, he doesn't come home for like three or four hours. What? Three or four hours? Good grief. He's not answering his phone. I'm sitting here worrying. So you're freaking out. Yeah, freaking out just a little bit. Like, this should have only taken you an hour. I mean 25 minutes there Deposit in the bank

25 minutes back Not a big deal Yeah He comes back in And he is Like pissed off And he's crying What is going on?

He's like I lost it You lost what? What are you talking about? He's like yep I got a hole in my pocket And he's like pulling his pockets out of his jeans I got a hole in my pocket Oh boy

He's like I got a hole in my pocket it fell out of my pocket. The first ATM I went to did not work. And I was like, what are you talking about? This is a new one. This is a new excuse

on the daily detectives. And he did. He had a hole in his pocket. And he's like, I'm so sorry. My dog ate my homework. Yeah. I'm like, oh my gosh. It was $3,000.

What are you talking about? You just lost it. Did you ask anybody? He's like, yeah, I went into the Walmart. to use that ATM there. And I must have dropped it somewhere. I have no idea where it is.

And I'm like, well, did you talk to any of the employees? Like, anybody noticed $3,000? I mean, maybe someone would take it. I mean, most people are going to pick it up and probably try and return it. How big is his hole in his pants? You know how big $3,000 is in a while? Lord, Jesus. And so I was like, are you kidding me? Like, that's all our bill money.

I just made all this money. So he loses this money. I end up just like, it's okay. You know, shit happens. Lord will find a way. Well, what are you supposed to do? Yeah, like, what are you supposed to do? So, okay, sorry that happened.

Benefit of the doubt, it sounds like. He's like, oh, my gosh, you can leave me. I'm so sorry. And it's like, I'm not going to leave you over a mistake. Plus, where's your memory at at this point? I can remember a good amount of things at this point. Okay. I'm still having emotional roller coasters.

If I'm really tired or really just drained, my memory is shot. Wow. So it's fragile, basically. Very much so. So this is like my energy levels I have to be really careful about because when my energy is depleted, my brain is fried. I am tired. I need to go to bed.

I have migraine-like headaches every day at this point. And so... That is not fun. No. I mean, I'm running on a level of like a four to an eight in a given time. Blessing. And so, you know, at the extreme, I need to go to bed and I need to just recharge. I can't remember stuff.

I don't know what's going on. My emotions are all over the place. I'll act like a little toddler throwing a fit who needs to go to bed. And so I just let it go because I'm exhausted. I'm constantly being nagged at for being lazy. And I'm not. I'm not doing enough around the house. And I'm required to like cook for him and clean and take care of Taylor and beg part of all these things. And I'm like, she's not my kid. Like I admit that, you know, she's now my bonus kid.

Love her to death. Right. But she's also not my full responsibility here. No. So as I was trying to recover and trying to be able to do more, I was constantly criticized because the house wasn't clean enough for him. It felt like a never-ending nightmare. Did he use like your injury against you? Against you at all? I mean, was there any part of him that was like, get over it? Oh, yeah. He would think he would tell me I'm faking it. He would call me crazy for having my little emotional breakdowns or essentially not being able to control my emotions. And then if I ever brought it up to him, he'd go, I never said that, honey. That's all in your head. You don't have a good memory. Oh, my God. You're remembering it wrong. That must be in your head. And you don't trust. Did you trust

him because you are like, yeah, I don't remember a lot. Are you sure? Like, I remember. He's like, no, you must have dreamed it. Or your head's playing tricks on. you or oh my god i would never do that to you i love you and you know and i'm letting him take care of our finances because like i'm kind of out of it still like we have a joint bank account you take care of our finances just don't patch up the holes in your pockets right well and this is spring of 2016 hemp becomes legal and so my dad ends up deciding to grow hemp I mean, why not? It's another farm crop, right?

And so especially if it has a high dollar yield, then let's see if we can make something before the market saturated. And so Ryan, it was all about this. He's like, okay, nope, I'm going to go get investors. Because it's big money in in order to get bigger money out. And at the time your parents still like him, like they want him to be a part of this? Oh, absolutely. He was a chameleon.

He was absolutely a chameleon. He would mimic everyone else's behaviors. And so depending on different social groups, he was a different little version of himself in order to placate these people. And in order to be the perfect, smooth guy. I mean, and this is how my grandparents loved him. My family loved him for a while. I mean, everyone believed him. Everyone was okay with him.

So my dad was happy and just, yeah, if you can find some investors, I mean, we definitely need money in order to like buy sprinklers in order to do this and do this. He can't hold on to $3,000 in his pocket. He thinks investors going to give him a crap ton of money. He's out of his mind. Investors will give any charismatic man lots of money. They don't have to have a plan. And that's pretty much it is my dad has got 100 acres he's putting in. And so he's got. got all the proof and all the knowledge and he's been doing the research. And Ryan's going off of this and offering these people 50% return on their money. That's high. That sounds high. Oh, that's super high. That's, I mean. That sounds a little unreasonable. Okay, Ryan, let's see. And is he saying this on behalf of your dad? So he's in, he's getting your family. He's, yeah, on behalf of like him and I and my dad. And like, actually my grandma. father. Because it's all kind of a family affair, right? And he ends up getting about $50,000

from different people. I hope he wasn't wearing the same pants. Oh, man. Well, it's coming into my bank account. Okay. Fair, fair. And so it's kind of coming in, trickling in at a times. But I'd look at the bank account and it's like, where'd all the money go? Wait, what? What do you mean? Where'd all that he was taking, it's not staying. It's not staying in the bank account? No. So like a couple of thousand dollars would come in and then all of a sudden it would go away in $100 increments. And I would look at it. I'm like, where's all the money going? He's like, oh, there was an ATM glitch. I'll figure it out, but the ATM glitched. And I'm like, what are you talking about? What? He's like, yeah. Did the statement just say a withdrawal or did it like, was he, was it going any? Did it say?

It said ATM withdrawal. And then then. like $100, $100, $100. And I don't really use the ATM to ever withdraw anything because I just go to my bank. And he's like, yep, sometimes they glitch. Like, it just happens, right? What? How does this just happen? And only for you and no one else.

Yeah, personally, I've never even heard of it happening at all. But then again, it being like that much money consistently. Right. And it's like, what? Wouldn't you be upset if we're just losing hundreds of dollars? like a thousand dollars just came out of the bank account in a weekend. What are you talking about that? And I'm like, okay, you know, trying to trust him.

And he's just, I mean, berating me for not. This probably takes a lot of spoonfuls of energy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Totally. Yeah. Now looking back at it now is definitely not a believable situation. And so when the money was disappearing,

I fully thought that there was something wrong that, you know, he'd been caught by a scammer or something, you know, whether there was like a card reader stuck in our ATM and that somebody was able to get that information. There was just something wrong. And I was really frustrated at the time, but I was so frustrated and so confused. I could have the conversation three days a week, but I would only think maybe we had it once. And then other times it was, well, I took money out so that I could buy all the employees that we were working with lunch and your dad will reimburse me. Don't worry about it. Or, oh, one of the times he said, I had to meet with your family's mechanics and pay them off

and pay them a bonus out of my pocket so that they wouldn't quit on your family. And it's just really odd, odd situations, but always don't talk to your family. this is our private business. This is, you know, between you and I as a husband and wife. And, you know, don't worry, honey, I'll fix it. Don't worry, we're going to make some money when all this hemp is dealt with. I mean, we'll make it through. Just trust me or just have faith in me. So, you know, anytime I'm having to, like, confront him and do all this, it's hard. It's taking all my energy. I'm already dealing with a two-year-old who's not mine. I mean, because he's making me essentially be a stay-at-home mom. He's out of the house a lot at this time,

because he's out looking for investors, and he's, you know, back up in Colorado and looking for hemp people and all this stuff. And so sometimes he would come down, back to our place, pick up Taylor, drop her off with me, maybe spend the night, and then he'd be gone for the week, and then come back only to drop her back off with Rachel. What? So he'd be gone for the whole week. And he's like, I got to work. I got to work.

And I'm like, okay, you know, like whatever. But now our bank account hardly has any money in it ever. Yeah, you're like work where? Yeah. Yeah. Where the money? Show me the money. Jerry McGuire.

There were times where there would be less than $5 in our bank account. And I would actually have to skip a meal in order to make sure that I kept Taylor bed. Because he is out of town. He's working on investments. He's working on this hemp stuff. And yet we've got investment money coming in. And what little money I'm getting from workers' comp is what's kind of keeping us

afloat. Oh my goodness. And then there would just be random times where, you know, it feels like I am just a housemate. At this point, I feel like I am just there to take care of Taylor. I am there to put food on the table and I am there to keep the house clean and take care of all the livestock when he's gone all the time. I don't like that. And it just, it feels gross.

I mean, don't really have a connection to him. I'm praying all the time. I'm reading self-help books. I'm trying to figure out what the heck is wrong. How do I get my life back? Yeah, what the heck is wrong? I am essentially waking up in hell because now I have my memory. for the most part, and I'm married to this guy. And the abuse is just escalating. I got the emotional

abuse of like the roller coaster of, I mean, I wouldn't get a hug and a kiss or a hello if I pissed him off. I would get called names, told how stupid I was, told how lazy I was, all these things. There was definitely sexual abuse where, you know, it's one of those things where I just wasn't allowed to say no. And so just kind of endured it and like, okay, well, at least this is a little bit of attention or a little bit of affection, but I found myself actually so upset and in tears. Like every time we were intimate, because there was no connection. There was no emotional response on the other end, and it just felt like I was being used the entire time. And so trying to make everything work,

I get really depressed at this time. I'm dealing with depression really bad because I am really hating on myself. I'm not as active as I used to be. I'm obviously in a really shitty situation that I don't know how to get out of, but I don't know how to fix. Right.

Yeah. He's isolating me from my family. He's telling me my family's starting drama and I need to spend more time at home and I need to not talk about a relationship issues to my family. He's isolating. Yep, super isolating. And so I spend a lot of time at home alone and me and my best friend, she's stationed up in Alaska at this time because she's up on the Air Force base. I can kind of call her, but she's also super busy, different hours. It's just miserable, right?

and he's going out at night sometimes, and he's like, no, I'm just going to go get a drink or something at the bar. Or he would get mad at me, and he would not talk to me all night, or text me all night. And he would just show up at any given time he wanted. I mean, sometimes at, like, three or four in the morning.

What? And so it's like, the bar closed two hours ago. Oh, yeah, well, I went and hung out with a friend. What are you talking about? You know, or just, it's none of your business. You don't need to know what I'm doing. And it's like, you're my husband. Why are you home at night?

Yeah, where are you at 3 a.m. sir? And, but it sounds like he has also this pattern of gaslighting and then getting rageful toward you, which I could imagine makes it even harder to confront. Oh, absolutely. Your energy and then that fear, you're just like paralyzed. Oh, I'm so sorry. It actually would get to the point, like, I wasn't allowed to even lock the bathroom door.

So I would take a shower or something. Yeah, I would be in the shower. And this was always like my space or my place where I could decompress and just relax, kind of, yeah, it's me time. He would rip shower curtain open. Why? For what? Wait. For what?

Anything. Anything. It could be that I didn't iron his jeans right. or whatever. This fella got some damn nerve. And he would yell at you for having the door locked? Because he needed to come in and talk to me. That is so abusive.

I mean, it got to the point where I actually had to deal with the PTSD of taking a shower because I was always afraid my shower curtain would be ripped open. Wow. Yeah, and I mean, I'm seeing a therapist. I'm dealing with horrible depression to the point where he would, even tell me if I just, you know, I don't know if I can do this anymore. He's like, well, Taylor and I are going to be homeless if you ever leave me. Oh, God, manipulation. Oh, my God. He's a walking red flag. Oh, yeah. No, like, we're, we're going to be homeless. Like, you know,

you're the love of my life. Like, this poor little girl. And I'm sure you're, you love her at this point. Oh, I adore her. Love this little girl. Oh, my gosh. Like, still to this day, she is my bonus kid. And so, like... That love doesn't go away. No, it doesn't go away. And, I mean, I still love her as much as my own biological children. Like, she is my kid.

And so, yeah, just all the manipulation, I mean, he had me convinced half of it was in my head. I really didn't know what reality was. I felt so insane. I felt so crazy. So in August, I actually ended up getting pregnant. And I was super excited. Like, oh my gosh, maybe he'll love me if, you know, we're starting a family. I knew you were going to say that. Oh, that's so, I mean, it's great that like babies are great, like having a baby. And that's something you should be like so excited about. And then just to feel like. That's a hard feeling of hoping to save it. Yep. And that's it. And it's, I'm, you know, I'm devoted to this marriage.

I can't get a divorce. How does your family look at this at this point? Like, are they encouraging you to stay married? Like I said, I'm very much isolated from them at this point. Like, I don't really want to divulge a ton of information or a ton of issues with them because I'm going to go home and get yelled at for trying to talk to my family. Yeah. Oh, man.

And I imagine even if you said a little bit, it would be easy for people to be like, well, you've been through so much this last year. Of course it's stressful. And that's kind of it. Like, of course he's having a hard time. And I'm not even allowed to go to town, our small little town by myself at this point. Like Ryan's like, no, like just I'll take you to the coffee shop. Did you guys hear that not allowed?

Yep. I wasn't allowed because who knew who I was going to run into and talk to. And he wanted to participate. me from that. Yeah, he frames it, of course, that way. And you're fragile and you need me. Yeah, right. So at this point, I'm pregnant. Wow. Hands up bringing me a coffee that day. And I remember it just vivid out of the blue because he hadn't done anything super nice for me like this in a while. And I miscarried. I miscarried within an hour of getting that coffee. Are you serious? I did. And so, No. Fuck him. Did he do that? Fuck him. What, what? Wait, how? So, I mean, it'll, it'll all come back around, but I end up going home and like, I'm miscarrying over the weekend. I am so sorry. Oh, my God. And it was awful. Like, I was crushed. I already dealing with depression on top of this. You know, the first day, he's like, oh my gosh, do you need anything from me? I love you so much. And by the second day where I'm, you.

I'm still in bed. I'm still horribly cramping. This is awful. I don't really want to go to the doctor and admit, like, you know, my body's failing me. I'll just call my, call my, which mean my OB on Monday and just deal with it then. Yeah. And no, the second day, he tells me, I need to get over myself. And he's like, I can have a child with Rachel when she didn't even want children.

And yet you are my wife and you want children. how incompetent are you. You are broken. You are awful. And just all the horrible nasty things. I hate, thank you for sharing this part of the story. No, I mean, it's, it's an important part. It just, it was for.

But you're talking about like the shame around it and then him, because I think you said like your body was failing you, which I know a lot of people have echoed. And that's, you know, nobody knows it until they go through. it and I think his response to it on top of just that experience alone adding to that shame. Yeah, no, it was awful. Like I felt very hard to hear. And at this point, after I miscarried, he stopped touching me.

Like, no kisses, no hugs, nothing for months. No more physical contact. And I felt so alone and so isolated. It's like, what have I done to the point where it's like, am I just not attractive to you? Like, what's going on? And that's our very first thought is it's us. There's something wrong with me. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. It's like what's wrong with me that you're married to me for a year and you want nothing to do with me? Like, all I am doing is taking care of Taylor. All I'm doing is taking care of livestock and sitting here by myself. And so, yeah, I mean, this is. kind of the beginning of the end, really, is just, it's, it's struggle. At this point, I think I was on Facebook and I was scrolling around, and I see that a woman tagged him in something.

And so I scroll all the way down through all these little comments, and I click on her name, and her background picture is him, a little blonde girl, and her, all posing together. What? And I'm like, Oh my goodness. What did you say? What is this?

And I'm just so... And did it look like recent? Yeah, I mean, I'm just like, why would this be your background photo? Like, it's not the profile picture, but it's the background picture. Like the cover? It's your cover picture on Facebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just kind of shaking, like, my stomach drops.

And I go out and I can't hardly think straight. I'm looking at them. I'm like, what is this? Oh, my gosh, I'm not cheating on you. Like, what? That is my, like, he's like, that's my mom's neighbor. I went up and saw her and she insisted she had to take a picture with me because we've grown up together, whatever. I didn't know that she'd put that as her cover photo.

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Okay. And he like grabs my phone and all of a sudden she's gone. Like, and then he ends up calling. He's like, I'll call my mom and I'll tell her. And he calls this person that says mom and is like, oh my gosh. you know, this crazy lady, blah, blah, blah.

Like, your neighbor is nuts. She put this picture on her cover and this big, huge scene. Yeah, that's not. It's like, wait, that's not the reaction. Just trying to ask you what's going on. That's very disproportionate. And it's just this big dramatic scene. Like, I would never cheat on you.

I love you so much. Okay. And I can't find the lady again. Like, I can't find the Facebook profile again because he's taken my phone. Oh my God. I can't find it again. So I'm like, okay, well, you know, I'll trust you. But what the heck?

Like, that's kind of a weird situation. Yeah, very weird. And at this point, a lot of the time he's sleeping on the couch. He's not even sleeping in our bedroom. He's sleeping on the couch because he's up at all hours of the night. Right. Or then he'll just decide, he's like, I need a break today. So I'm going to sleep today and just sleep all day.

Okay. This is really odd. But don't you need to go to work or don't you need to go halt my family or anything? Yeah. Like, why am I the one sitting at home having to deal with you? He's really escalating the suicide thought of like, well, you know, maybe things would be better if you weren't here. Or maybe you're crazy and you need to go into a psych war or something. So he's either trying to get me institutionalized or get me to kill myself.

Oh, my God. And you know, you're really not needed around here. No one really wants you anyway. You're just a burden on everybody. And that's what I heard a lot is how much of a burden I was and that somebody had to constantly take care of me. And so you put that on top of this crippling depression and this brain injury. And yeah, he was absolutely trying to force me to commit suicide.

I mean, there was even one night where I got so depressed and I got so mad and I'm like, look, then I'm just going to kill myself. You can get all my shit. I don't care. You can tape my house. My family will still support you. They're still going to be around for you because I'll just be out of your life. Whatever. Like grab a rifle to the point where like, I am dead serious about this.

He grabs it from me and laughs in my face and goes, you're so stupid. You can't even kill yourself right. Oh my God. That's terrible. I mean, I go into the bedroom and like, and he's coming down and just like screaming through the bedroom door. Just screaming and yelling at me going, oh my gosh, you're so stupid. Like, what do you think that you're going to do? Just. Oh, my God. ...verrating me. I actually come out of the bedroom in order to get past him. I end up clocking him right in the face, right hand hook, and then running. out the door, I don't even think I've had shoes on, run out the front door and drive to my parents' house. And I'm seriously debating off, like, driving off of a nearby cliff. But I end up stopping at my parents' house, which is just a mile down the road, and screaming at them, because

obviously I'm led to believe it's all their fault. Right. For also getting involved in my personal relationship. And I feel very unhinged at this point. I don't know what's up. I don't he's making you feel crazier than you are. Yeah. Yeah. He's just, so I'm trying to deal with healing from a brain injury and then having all these crazy thoughts and emotions going through my head. And it's actually to the point where he doesn't call me.

He doesn't text me that night. But he calls the sheriff's department to say, I think my wife is going to commit suicide. I need you to do a suicide check. And so I end up talking to sheriff like, nope, I'll just stay here at my parents' house, like, not a big deal. I think I stayed there that night and I was fine. I was able to actually calm back down. But again, this is, you know, my brain injury. And when I get tired and when I get to these points, I got pushed over the edge. Yeah. And at this point, I tell my parents a little bit, like my, my brother and my dad are like, there's something going on. Like, it's something getting,

is getting weird here. The money issues are still happening. Constantly still happening. still is ATM glitch. I'm like, have you talked to the bank? Have you dealt with this? Like, we shouldn't be losing all this money. And he's like, you're always just so obsessed with money. It's just like. Yeah, I'm trying to feed your daughter.

Sorry. I would like to eat sometime too. Yeah. I get, I mean, I get feel guilty when I want to go drive into town and get a coffee because I spent $4. Come on now. And so, yeah, he ends up picking this little fight. right before Thanksgiving, the weekend before Thanksgiving.

And it was something so minor that I was kind of appalled. Like, wait, what? He's like, yeah, I'm going to take Taylor and we're going to go up to my mom's for Thanksgiving up in Colorado. Like, I'm going to drive four and a half hours and go do Thanksgiving with my mom. Because I'm mad about the way you ironed my shirt or something stupid. You loaded the dishwasher wrong. I mean, it's just like, I can't do anything right. Oh.

And I mean, I, I don't. feel less than the dogs at this point. Like he comes home and greets the dogs. Oh, I imagine. He ends up taking her going up Thanksgiving and comes back. And my family even says, Harper, do you realize that when he's away, you become more of yourself again? Wow. And I bet you didn't even realize it. No. They're like, you are so quiet and so reserved and show shut down when he's around. But if he's gone for a couple of days, especially if he's not talking to you, you kind of come back to us a little bit. Blessing in disguise that he left for Thanksgiving. Right.

You needed to be alone with them. So at this point, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm kind of talking about divorce a little bit. With him? With him. Like, hey, I don't know what else to do. I mean, you just, we need to be done. I don't know what else to do anymore. And he's just like, well, let's just wait until a hemp pays out because my cuts, like,

as soon as a hemp pays out, then, you know, we can get a million dollars essentially to split because it's a, you know, high cash crop. Was he even contributing to the hemp crop? He claims he is. Okay. I don't believe that. And then we, when he says we can split it, does he mean like this money will save? of our marriage or he's saying let's wait to get divorced until

wait I'm confused. Let's wait to get divorced until after this money comes in. That's weird. Wouldn't he not want to do that so he can keep all of the money? I'm sorry. Yeah, he's like, well, it's your family, so we need to wait until. But he's not saying, please don't divorce me. He's saying, okay. Yeah, he's saying, okay, you know, let's wait. And, you know, at this point, like, I know that I took off my ring at some point and I think I left it in his truck, but now he's locking his truck. And I'm like, okay, what, I'll find it at some point.

I'm sure it's between my truck or like a seat. And both these trucks are mine. They're both registered in my name and I paid for them. And he's just driving the newer of the two because, well, he thinks he deserves it. Sure. And so at one point, he, oh gosh, ends up getting in a fight with me. And he run around the corner and he throws me up against the wall by my, neck and like grabs me by the neck and Taylor's in the room and she's screaming and crying and

she goes and hides in a cardboard box that she had made a fort out of. She's three, three and a half at this point. Oh my God. And as he's got me up against the wall by the neck and just telling me, I mean basically what a piece of shit I am and whatever. And I get away from him and I go to leave and I'm putting on my shoes and Taylor is screaming crying trying to run to me. Oh no. Just wanting comforted and he holds her by the shoulder and says, no, honey, Harper doesn't love us anymore. She doesn't want to be with us. And it broke me.

Oh my gosh, it broke me. I think at that point I went to my parents and had my dad pick me up. Like, I need out. And I said, do whatever you got to do, find out what's going on. And they look into stuff and I end up picking a fight with him for Christmas. I'm like, no, why don't you go back to your moms for Christmas? That's fine. You can take Taylor and go back to your moms for Christmas.

See you. Yeah. Like, I ended up essentially getting the space I needed. And this is when my parents, I gave them access to my bank accounts. I gave them access to all the phone records. And his phone, Ryan's phone is on our family phone plan at this point. So they're looking at the numbers he's calling. And they're like, well, we can't just Google them.

I said, type them into Facebook. A lot of people have their Facebook hooked up to their phone numbers. Oh, we got an arm. Bless it, bless it. Immediately. That girl I had saw earlier comes up, I guess. Damn right, she did because you knew. There are engagement photos taken with Taylor, her little blonde girl, my husband, during Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God. There are engagement photos all over her Facebook profile. Public? Public. So that would make me think she doesn't know. Yeah. So my mom can see everything. And then they're finding other numbers from locals.

other women local around here that he's calling and texting multiple times. So this one's up in Colorado. This is the four and a half hours away that he's going to go see. And my dad and my brother actually stick trackers on both of my pickups. Oh, GPS trackers prior to this. And they can go all the way to her home address with my pickup. Yeah. Because they're both mine, so it's legal.

And so they go. Yeah. Show enough is, y'all. Show enough is. Yeah. And so they can see my pickup going to her house. And it's registered under her name. This gal who's got all the engagement pictures with him.

And then my mom goes back and goes through all the accounting details and goes Harper. Do you understand that all these ATM withdrawals are coming out in bars and casinos? Oh. Busted. Busted. Busted. There is a week where he went to a casino up in Colorado during Father's Day weekend. So he didn't get Taylor during Father's Day because he was working, right? Oh, no.

He was quote unquote working. $5,000 came out in a week in the casino. He has a huge gambling problem. $50,000 of investments came out of my bank account in bars and casino. Oh, my God. That is so much freaking money. Yeah. I have so many questions that I want you to keep going.

Because I'm like, he was in business with your parents. So how are they funding everything? What does he do about the investors? With these women. Ah, keep on. No, we've got women. We've got gambling. And so my parents are basically, what do you want to do?

I'm like, well, if it was just gambling, I would see about trying to say, but it's cheating, too. Yeah. I'm done. And I hope, yeah. And he's treating you like, hurts. And it's getting abusive. Which is hard to see in the moment. Yeah, it's getting really abusive.

Like, I can't do this anymore. I mean, I am in such shock. And he's, you know, messaging me and just, I love you so much. Things are going to get better. I promise I'll be home more. And I'm just kind of placating him, not letting him know I know anything. And I talked to a divorce attorney and have her write up stuff like, all the livestock are mine. I've paid all the money for the cattle that we bought while we were engaged,

he absolutely never paid me back for. Like, I already had my business going with my sheep. I already had beef cattle. I already had horses. I already had a good foundation started. And I end up reaching out to Rachel at this time. And so we meet up at Starbucks and I sit her down and I said, look, I'm going to be serving him with divorce papers.

I don't know where he's going to live. This is the other woman that your daughter is around, and I'm concerned for her. That was very high anxiety. I mean, we're meeting at Starbucks. We've only heard trash about each other for the last, I mean, coming on three years now. And so it was very high anxiety.

it was very awkward but as we started talking you can tell both of both of us were very reserved we didn't really want to give a ton away but essentially we wanted to get out a game plan for Taylor

and that was the main purpose of us meeting is to really get a game plan set for Taylor during this divorce stuff and then oh we proceeded to talk more and more and have since become really good friends. I mean, just horror stories coming from her end too. And was he, I mean, I imagine drinking, gambling, maybe stealing from her.

Oh yeah. She ended up having to go into bankruptcy because she got a car in her name that ended up getting repossessed and open credit cards in her name and stuff. And I'm lucky that I never had a credit card. I only ran off my debit card. I didn't use credit cards. I've always been there. Smart.

Smart. Business smart. Yeah. And my mom's even looking in making sure she's running credit checks on me. Like trying to do all of this stuff. And it's insane. And so we're, like, I'm trying to get all this shit in line so that when he comes back from Christmas, it's ready to go.

He ends up coming home like January 1st. And before Ryan came back, my dad ends up going and buying like a $3,000 Chevy Blazer to essentially send him off with. Wait, what? Very kind. Because he's driving my pickup. So he's like, take the car and get the hell out of this town, basically. And so my dad's like, I'm going to go buy a cheap car so that he has something to drive and he can drive away. Because we don't want him around here.

Yeah. And we don't want him to drive your nice pickup. And so end up going and having a meeting. And my dad ends up serving him the divorce papers. And he's like, no, no, no. Like, you don't understand the situation. I was actually cheating on Rachel with this woman. And that little girl is also mine.

They are eight months apart. They are both blonde hair, blue-eyed look very similar. That's Taylor's sister. That's Taylor's sister. Oh my God. And he's like, I was only up there, just trying to figure out and do the DNA test and trying to figure out if she really was mine.

And I'm like, there's pictures of you kissing her. He's like, I only ever kissed her. I didn't, I didn't never sleep with her. Okay, fella. Sure. Okay. No. Doesn't matter.

You never told us about this, too. Like, that alone is enough grounds to be like, what the... Oh, yeah. I'm like, why didn't you talk to me about this? He's like, I was just too ashamed. I didn't know how you would react to it. And it's like, yeah, no. These are pretty much mimicked and copied pictures of our engagement pictures.

This is disgusting. And then is your dad also like, what the hell with the money? Or is that not even concerned? Because I mean, your safety and marriage is priority, but also who's going to pay the investors back? So these were all Ryan's connections. So they never met my dad. And so it was all Ryan's promises, all Ryan's connections, all Ryan's investments. And so luckily my parents weren't going to be on the hook for that and got out of the

whole investment situation relatively unscathed. So we serve Ryan with the divorce papers. And there's actually a couple of security guys that work for my dad with the hemp stuff because he's keeping the pet building on security detail. and these guys are like, am I six? Oh my God. There are some cool big dudes. They're the ones you want to have around when you're serving divorce papers.

Don't know if things are going to get out of hand, whatever. And so serving the papers, like, here you go, here's the keys to the car. My dad's like, I will give you the title if you just sign these papers. Like, that car is yours. If you agree to these papers and we can sign them and, you know, file them. Like, no fighting, nothing. And I end up going both going back to the house so I can grab some clothes and stuff so I can say it in my parents' house. I'm going to allow him to be in our house and kind of get his shit together. And the security guys come with my brother just to kind of make

sure that nothing gets out of hands, nothing gets heated, especially since he's already thrown me up against a wall before. and I kind of grab my stuff, grab some, a couple, just a couple things of close. Like, I don't think it's going to be that long. I grab my dog and I just kind of leave, I mean, head down low, like, all right.

So, sheriff comes by later that night to my parents' house. He called the cops saying that we held him at gunpoint and robbed him. But these MI6 guys, held him at gunpoint and robbed him. And then I took his guns and stuff. And I was like, no, no, no.

I took the guns that are registered in my name. You have nothing registered in your name. You can have them if you want to register in your name. But I'm not allowing you to keep anything registered in my name. And it's hard to steal something. You don't own. That's not. Yeah.

Like, didn't. And my dad's laughing. He's like, yeah, these are my six guys. did not have guns on them and they wouldn't need them. That's so, he held them at gunpoint. They're like, yeah, they didn't have any firearms.

Like, the only firearms involved were the ones that Harper took because they were hers. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. And the cops laughed him away, I'm sure.

Oh, my gosh. And so we've, my dad passed a tracker on this little Chevy blazer. And he calls me, and my mom and he goes, Ryan's on his way to the courthouse. I think he's probably going to get a restraining order against you. You need to go get what you need out of the house right now.

Because you're not probably going to be able to get back into it. Sounds good. Wait, but it's not his house. It's not his house. But if he has a restraining order against me and he's in the house. And that's his residence. I can't go to the residence. But no, but it's, but the judge would,

never issue him a restraining order without proof of some kind of like cause, right? Oh, no, he got a restraining order. What? He got a restraining order. I'm not allowed to go back to my house. Oh, my God. And so I'm lucky. I ended up getting all the important documents I needed.

So ends up being three months in order to get back into the house. And this is my family's property. And he's just, does he ever leave? Oh, yeah, he's not hardly even there. Because I am not allowed to go to the address. via the restraining order. I am not allowed to go on property. And what did he say to get the restraining order?

I am sure that he sobbed and did a whole sob story thing. And it turns out talking to Rachel, he did this to her too. He got a restraining order against her and cleaned their house out. And with these states, I mean, you can't go into that person's residence. You can't go into the victim's residence. and he played victim. He did before you did. So then what happened?

And so now, by the time we're able to get back in, there is one mattress and one desk. My whole house is cleaned. It's empty. It looks like it's ready to move in. So he robbed you. Rob me clean. Like, I have nothing.

All the stuff is gone. Oh, my God. Everything's gone. And he's up there living with this new girlfriend and her little girl now up in Colorado, like moved right into her place. Did you ever think about or did you reach out to the woman on Facebook? So, funny thing is, she ended up reaching out to me on April 1st. I thought it was an April Fool's Prank. And I actually recorded it because I was like, what is going on? So she says that

they took my wedding ring, traded it in, and got her an engagement ring with it. Did you call us to tell you that? So she calls to tell me this whole story. He ends up raping her. Kicks her as she's pregnant, kicks her in the gut that night. She miscarries, locks her in her bedroom overnight, steals her credit cards and goes on a shopping spree the next day. Oh my God. And I've got a speaker phone. My parents are hearing it. And like, this is something that I can absolutely see because he was sexually abusive to me as well, but rape into marriage is so hard to prove. Well, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. And she says, no, you know that miscarriage you had and that coffee he got you? No. He put cattle drugs in it. And he was bragging about how he did not want to be with you

and did not want to have a child with you. And he was bragging up here about how he was. He was bragging up here about how he caused that. I don't, I don't, I can't. I'm, I'm in shock. Because obvious, I mean, we've got the drugs just sitting in the house because this is how we maintain our cattle. And sometimes you need what kind of cattle drug, like what, like, not to give anybody any ideas, but like what, what? So there's a couple of different synthetic hormones that you can use to help to progress a labor. Oh my God. When labors get kind of stuck. You can help with. You can help with milk production or you can actually cause an abortion in like young animals that are too young to breed. Oh my God. And so I mean, like I said, we've got access to like they're sitting on

the fridge. And so yeah, she's like, nope, it was in your coffee. Like he said he caused it. And she's calling you at this point on the other side of her experience with him now. Like she's saying Yeah, she's on the other side. She's like, look, I'm trying to get a protection organization. from him and he had told her that I was the ex-wife and that we were living together in order to essentially share this share on this hemp profits and then he was going to leave and that I was too unstable and he was worried about my mental health and that he needed to be there to kind of watch out for me even though I was his ex. And so that's why they had been dating since July.

Oh my God. My ex is crazy. Yep. My ex is crazy. So moving forward, I'm finding out all sorts of shit. So that little boy was actually his. Shocker. Yep.

Little boy's his. So now we're up to three kids. Mm-hmm. Three kids. Three kids now. Two of whom he's denied. Yeah. Two of whom.

That were his. cut out of his life. He only has access to the little girl with Rachel, which is Taylor. And Rachel and I start talking a lot more. I mean, kind of comparing stories. Good. Good. Like, this is kind of insane. I mean.

And you two, no, you can, like, unfortunately, the only two people that can... We can relate to each other. Relate to each other's experience. And so she, over this time, so I'm still going through the divorce stuff, He's fighting. He wants everything I own. He actually brings my parents into the divorce and is asking for a million and a half. Dollars? Dollars. Yeah, he wants a million and a half dollars

because he thinks he's entitled to it from this hemp crop. So what happened? So what happened? But can you, can you prove any of the, yeah, the gambling? It took, this was 2017. I did not get divorce until the fall of 2019. Oh, God. Because he drug it on for so long and postponed so long that actually the judge, when she ruled, she, I mean, it was a three-day trial, a three-day divorce trial. Because I had to bring in so many freaking witnesses in order to just like, yes, I've owned my sheep my whole life.

Yes, I run all this stuff. And the judge said, look, sir, you gambled and you lost. Busted. Oh. You gambled and you lost. And actually, Harper is getting her attorney fees because you took so long and it shows in all of this that you took so long and drug this on just to make the bills higher. And my attorney in her 30 years had never seen a divorce case where somebody was awarded all the funds. And you got everything.

That makes me so happy. And yeah, I think I had to split one cow with him. Split a cow? I had to sell it and then split the money with him. And split the... I was not, I was, I'm such a literal. I was like, who gets the head? What do you do?

I got my side. No, you get the right side. I get the left side. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, I didn't think about splitting him that. So I'm like, here's your $600. Now give me my $50.

back. Bless it. Never saw a dime. Did he pay? Nope, never saw a dime. But it's good that the judgment is there at least. I mean, he still doesn't have a bank account. Yeah.

And the judgment was that basically I didn't know anything about the investments. It was all his. So that's all his debt. Good. And during this time, Rachel's getting phone calls every time a girlfriend breaks up with him. So what do we do? What do we? Like, I'm like, how do we get him caught?

Yeah, there's not much to do. I mean, turns out he was also caught for doing cocaine. So he was on cocaine, our entire relationship. So, I mean, he's doing drugs. He's drinking. He's gambling. He's got all the freaking things. And so now we jump to, oh gosh, 2021.

Oh, SpaghettiOs. Yep. A woman ends up breaking up with him. she's in the middle of trying to buy a house. Oh, no. And he is the one who introduced his girlfriend to the woman who owns a house, right? He's like, oh, yeah, I went to high school with this gal. Like, she's got a house for sale.

So he kind of did the connections. Well, she broke up with him. He went and burned her house down. Burnt her house down? He burned this woman's house down. Oh! Luckily, she and her daughter were out at the movies. and they were able to get the animals out,

but I guess he walked through the house with a can of gasoline. And if you've ever lit gasoline on fire, the more it fumes, the more it's a bigger explosion. Yeah, this freaking guy, this guy is a freaking, he's a fucking crazy pants. Who is this guy? Ooh.

Oh, yeah. Like, I mean, as Rachel and I are talking, we're like, are you freaking kidding me? When is he going to murder somebody? Yeah, that's where it's headed. Well, that's the thing. I'm just hoping he gets caught for this one, because this one's easier to prove. Yeah, and they don't, you know what they say, like, they don't put up a red light until someone crashes through it and dies.

Like, they're not going to do anything to him until he does something so extreme, and that's what sucks. Yeah, and, I mean, there's witnesses seeing his truck drive away. But yeah, no, he blew this, he blew this house up, and he went on the run for six weeks. Dropped all contact with Taylor. Now he's a fugitive. Yeah, he's a fugitive. he goes out and he is like way on the other side of freaking Denver, he applies for a job with his real name.

The guy recognizes him from the news and calls him in. What an idiot! What an idiot! Calls him in, so he goes to jail. He gets bailed out. His mom bails him out. Because, of course, she does, but go ahead. Yeah, because mommy is just believing all of his bullshit.

Bails him out. and DA's got an open and shut case against him. They're saying he's a minimum of seven years looking at closer to 15 for this. So did he find a little trial? No. So this spring. Our faces right now, we both are just like, what? January 1 of this year.

So January 1, 24, they found him overdosed. He died. He died. Well, it's not very Christian of me to say he deserved it. So I won't say that. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry that to his family that he is past, it's sad that they had to, you know. Well, yeah, everything he's done.

Oh, my gosh. But, I mean, just a complete crazy, I think the weeks after I served in divorce papers, I was finding out so much that I had a number of people calling me every week. because they're like, what's the latest on your soap opera? Yeah, it's a... I mean, it sounds like he thought he was in like a, I don't know, action movie? Yeah. So...

He's on the run, blowing up houses. Well, and we go back, 50 cows never existed. His other... Wow. He never owned him. He was just pointing out other people's cows. He... Oh, that one's mine.

And look, this fella's mine too. Mooh. Yep. Yep. He was just pointing out. people's cows. He never owned a house up there. He never was a partner in the construction company. He only worked for them. And when he's... Whose house was, were you in when you saw the kids' room? He was just a rental. His mommy was paying for. Yeah. Okay. The PBR thing, never rode Bulls.

He was full of bullshit. Yep. He only ever wrote a bull. He only ever rode a bull once. And he broke ankle. And it was a mechanical bull. Oh, it was actually a real bull because I kept the rodeo sock for a few years and actually was buck and bulls and got hooked up with some people. And one of the guys that we went into his big practice arena, turns out Ryan broke his ankle in that practice arena. And they're like, oh yeah, we know him. He got on for like three seconds and broke his ankle. What a dumbass. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. Well, that's who. I was married to. That tracks.

That tracks. That freaking track. But he would actually go out and buy used stuff from like garage sales, like buckles or jackets in order to sell his story to people. What? He was a professional. Crazy pants. Yeah. So everything was a lie.

I mean, most of his stories, he would actually take other people's stories and then just put his life into. Well, that's a good liar. That's a good liar because that's what you do. That's what I do as a P.I. Sometimes I'll be like, what's your dog look like? And I describe one of my dogs. That's how he would do is he would take other people's stories and throw himself into it. I fully believe he was a sociopath.

Like no emotion would laugh at you when you cry. I mean, completely would mimic what you wanted, what you dreamed, mean turn into a chameleon. He turned into what you wanted. Do we ever find out why he was so obsessed with this fella and his broken foot? No. I did just, it's a weird, random out of the blue thing. Maybe he and Tommy had a little...

Knowing Tommy knew. The Tommy situation was just the first time he showed me who he really is. It was him kind of pulling up that mask of what life was going to be like after we got married. I just didn't realize that that was the red flag that it was. Yeah. Oh, my God. How are you? I am doing significantly better.

I definitely, I mean, one of these days might have to tell you the story after him because I ended up dating a man who's actually the father of my two-year-old. Oh. My two-year-old little girl. And I definitely went from extreme to still. abusive and had to learn what red flags were and learn basically not to compare. Like, okay, well, this isn't so bad. This isn't so bad. Because I didn't have a lot of dating experience. And you're, yeah, he's at the bar in a, oh, in hell. Oh, my gosh. I mean, so I'm used to living in a

completely different world. And so anything is a dream man compared to him. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible. That's so hard and so real. Yeah, Ryan's such an extreme. He made you believe you? But now I am dating a man I have been friends with for eight years. Oh, yay. Is it Tommy?

No, not Tommy. Tommy's married with two little boys. We're still good friends, but we ended up buying 25 acres together. And he owns his own ag business. Did you meet him on farmers only? A tractor doctor. I did not. Thank goodness.

Praise a lamb. You were friends first, which is nice because you know him and have people that can verify him. Yeah. Well, because she's been friends with him forever, so that's amazing. Right. So, yeah, we've been together almost two years now and, like I said, bought a house and have a little boy on the way. Oh, and how's your family doing, your parents, like, after all of this? Good, yeah.

No, they're good. The shit they put him through. They're just like, nope, you definitely grew up in your early 20s. Like you have been through Helen back and, I mean, my faith in God just became even stronger, being able to survive that. Amen, girl. That's crazy. Oh, my God.

That just makes me so mad, though. Like, it makes me mad that you even had to endure, like, what a mind, like one of those things, let alone. Yeah, right? Well, and like Taylor's 11 now. Wow. Yeah, how's Taylor and Rachel? Awesome.

They're awesome. Awesome. Rachel's got a really good solid relationship. But you stayed close with her, which is really special. I love that. Yeah. I love that so much. Like I said, Rachel and I are still really good friends. Taylor is out showing sheep. And I give her her, her lamb projects every year. And, I mean, this kid wins buckles. Like, she wins shows.

Unlike her half-ass daddy. Oh. Yeah, she's got her own buckles. Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much for sharing all that. I'm just so, I'm just, I feel so mad, but also like, I'm, I feel like, it feels like you're in such a good place right now. Like, I can't be mad, but yeah. How crazy. I, yeah, I've definitely done a lot of growing up and a lot of learning and I know what red flags and green flags are. I'm trying to like, we've been trying to do a little bit more clear of a dating detective's debrief. after the stories where we kind of look at them and are just like, all right, what can we, like, how can we empower ourselves after hearing this horrible thing?

And I'm, well, one, the amnesia part is so specific and unique, but just taking advantage of somebody that's vulnerable. Like, he was going to do this to you because he did it to Rachel. Yeah, I mean, he did it to multiple women, but he had the opportunity with me because I was in such a vulnerable state. and I had to really trust and rely on him. And he took full advantage of that. I mean,

everything he did was classic, were classic red flags like the isolation and the manipulation and the gaslighting. Every single thing that he did was like a perfect example of like an abuser. That's exactly all of them. Yeah. It was crazy. Oh, yeah. And I mean, he would make fun of me if we were out in public.

so he would do the dog whistling even. And if you haven't heard that phrase, that's where it's so like a scenario, if you're being criticized for not having your house super clean at home and then you go over to somebody else's house and that person goes, well, look, honey, look how clean their house is. Isn't this great? Why couldn't you do that? And it's something that only you know is a dig on you.

And that's dog whistling. Wow. That's exactly it. It just makes you feel like shit because now you feel like, oh, he's right. Like I'm not like good like this or whatever. And then it has you comparing yourself to everyone else thinking like, oh, I guess I should have done this better or whatever. It's awful. Oh, yeah.

So now you're sitting there feeling miserable the whole freaking time because you're being made fun of. Nobody else knows you're being made fun of. I've never heard of that phrase. Thank you for that one. because I think that's like life. I absolutely love therapy for this because this is all the things I've since learned. Well, putting a name to things helps you identify it more easily also because once you put a name to it, now it's real and now you can identify it more properly.

It's also not just you when something has like a name or some like resources to talk about something. Then you're like, oh, I'm not crazy. I'm not the only person experiencing this. Other people have thought this. Right. Well, and something that both Ryan and my other ex did is reactive abuse. So they essentially, they sit there and they pick on you and pick on you and pick on you until you blow up. Yep. And then they sit back and they go, well, see, you're the crazy one. Well, that's like I was talking earlier and I was saying, it's just like someone saying,

oh my God, you're so stupid, you're so mean, you're so this, you're so that, you're so dumb, you're so whatever. And finally they go, oh my God, shut up. And that's how, that's what everyone hears is, oh my God, shut up. And they're like, oh, my God, she's crazy. But they don't hear the person that's in your ear picking on you, picking on you. Like I was using a brother and sister example. My brother would pick on me and just real quietly. And then I'd go, stop. And I would be the one who got in trouble because everyone heard me fussing. You don't realize that these people, they're reacting to this abusive behavior. But it's just quiet. The abuse is quiet. Wow. Oh, yeah. And it's not, you can't, it's harder to prove that somebody was.

annoying you or that somebody was subtly criticizing you. It's easy to prove that someone punched you. You can't see everything behind closed doors. I mean, my biggest thing is if somebody seems perfect, run the other direction. Because nobody is perfect. They are faking something.

Yeah. And manipulators like this to this level will wait until you are engaged, until you are married, until you are pregnant, until they have got you so tied down you can't leave. What I have been told is the analogy of we see a wedding as a start of our life. They see it as the end goal.

Interesting, right? Yeah, they see it as the finish line. Like, now I can finally. Now I got her. Or quit faking all this thing. Like, I can finally be my true self now. And everything that's hers is mine. And she's mine.

It's awful. Their names on stuff. They want to get you pregnant. They want to get engaged. They want to intertwine themselves in you. Yep. They want to be a very active part of your life and have ownership of you, essentially. Crazy.

Man, thank you so much for sharing this. I just, man, a total dogfish from the beginning. And then like, how did you feel, how did you feel hearing about his passing? It really didn't affect me, honestly. Like, I think the biggest relief was that Taylor will never have to deal with him again. He's been so... And it sounds like at this point it's not surprising. Like, every time you hear something about him, you're like, oh, yeah.

It's just another... We were always waiting for something, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Actually, Taylor kind of laughs because in a little bit of a morbid way, she's like, yep. he's done more for me now dead than he ever has alive because now I get dead dad money. That girl is going to be there. Oh, she's a spitfire. And nobody's burning down her house. No, she, I hate that it happened to her, but she's.

It sounds like she's, it sounds like she's taking it like a really strong young lady. Yeah. If she wants to get into stand-up when she's older, you tell her to call me. Right. We can process that on stage because that's what we do. We should go to therapy too. Yeah. But then we can write jokes about it.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. This kid, she's a spitfire. I mean, I freaking adore her. And she still introduces me. I'm in her second mom. Oh, I love that. Yeah.

They're like, is this your aunt? And she's like, no, this is my other mom. Like, I've got two moms. I love that so much. That is really cool that she regards you. Like, that's a privilege when a kid wants to call you their parent, you know? So she must think really highly of you. That's amazing.

And she's going to be a good big sis to the new baby. And I'm sure to your other little boy, right? I have a two-year-old. I have a two-year-old little girl. And then this little baby is a little boy. Yeah. She is awesome. She was actually mad at me when I first got pregnant because she was no longer the only one. Yep. Bless her heart. Well, thank you again so much. I want to hear updates on your relationship, too. You'll have to let us know how it's going. Yeah. No, it was a pleasure being on. So, yeah.

So he's gone. He died. He's dead. He died. Sorry, Bella. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a lot. So we want to do a dogfish debrief things we take away from the story. But of course, there's like an element of this where by the time she not only had amnesia, but was also married to him. She was in so deep that he was able to control her in a way that, one, I'm sure, wouldn't have been as easy if she wasn't. so vulnerable with literal amnesia, but also it's like, I don't want anything to come off as us being like, well, if you follow these lessons, this won't happen to you because it's like, it's not her fault. Like, it's his fault. Yeah. We're just, we're just pointing out the, the tools he used to be evil. Yeah. And these, these potential red flags to look out for, and it's not, obviously, there's not a one-size-fits-all, but definitely the control thing and these, just that all the red flags, like the, with the, the whole not allowed thing kills me. Like, she wasn't, not allowed to lock the door.

She said it wasn't allowed. Yeah, not allowed to do these things. I'm sorry. Not allowed. Like, she's not allowed privacy. Like, that's, that's not okay. Like, not allowed. It's not okay.

This is the kind of thing where it's like, if you're a friend to somebody in a relationship like this and you notice this type of control. behavior. That's a red flag for the friend on the outside. Yes. The only thing we could do is have our people close. And even then it's hard, but we got to stay close and protect each other. Also, can I talk about the way she described dog whistling? Because I thought that was really interesting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk about that. So we'd heard of dog whistling and other like political senses. But in the case of a relationship, she kind of used it to describe when a partner sets you up in public. And to like the example, I think he was in public and kind of made a comment that seemed positive, seemed normal to the outside where he's just like, isn't it nice that they do XYZ,

but inside you know that's a reference to a conflict you've been having behind closed doors and it's a dig at you. Yes. Man, that is so real. It really does happen. It's just a form of manipulation, right? It's another form manipulation and control and they're trying to manipulate your feelings because we've talked about And make you feel small. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Making you feel small. I think also it's one of those things where you feel like you can't criticize them for doing it. Because if you say something, they'll be like, what are you talking about? I didn't say anything. I just complimented them. Like you're making this up. And then it's gaslighting. And then it's gaslighting.

You're not alone. If this brought anything up for you, we're here for you. Because I feel like this is the kind of thing that I would not even identify if it was happening to me. And the whole miscarriage thing really hurt my feelings. That's so shitty. I'm sorry. Wait, and the fact that he, like, bragged about it, and he did that cycle of telling each person he was with that the past ex was crazy.

Yeah. Another red flag when they always talk about their ex being crazy. Red flag. Red flag. Someone's a classic. That's a classic. And then I also have that the money disappeared. So that's...

Well, and the thing... Well, the thing with that is, I still feel like... Just like last week we were talking about with the money disappearing, it's like at what point do you trust them enough? Like are you your fiancés now? So if you're fiancés now, then you're at a point where you can trust them now that you're getting married. So, you know, I can't blame her for giving, like giving in the money, but also where did the money go? And then she, you know, this is someone that you trust because you're getting married. So that's hard. That's a fine line. Money is so tough. I want to do, tell me if you guys would be interested in this. I just feel like it would be

fun to do a Patreon episode or something about like the money conversation that you should have at different stages in your relationship. That's so smart. Yeah, right? I've listened to podcast episodes that talk about it, but never with the angle of like, and here are red flags that could come up in those conversations. Like here are the things that could come up that should make you worry that they might be trying to steal from you or fuck you or just take advantage of you. And how to protect yourself financially and like what you can set up, like things that you can set up individually to kind of protect yourself and how you can manage that. How you can be a team while you're in a relationship.

And be independent. Yeah. It's so hard. Man, thank you so much, Harper. She was so sweet too and deserves all the best. And I,

oh, wait, last thing. How much do you love that she has such a good relationship with Taylor? I really do love that. And that's a good point. I'm glad you brought that up. So I feel like I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who has kids

and then the relationship ends. And then you still, like, that person was still part of you. Like, you still love that, that child. And so that's, I'm glad that they have that relationship. And I'm glad that she's become like a positive role model to her. And it's really cool that she still calls her her bonus daughter. Like, I just, I really love that so much. This is another case of weirdly dogfish tend to have really good taste and date really nice people who often come

friends and I don't know what it is. But they've got good taste. And both of those women seemed very strong and Taylor's very lucky at the end of the day. Yeah. She is a lucky. She's a lucky girl. I agree with that. We love you, Taylor. We love all of you. And we love all of you listening. Thank you so much, Harper, for sharing your stories. Every time we have a guest that comes on and shares their story, to use our platform to share their story is really an honor for us. So thank you so much for allowing us to be a voice for you and using our platform to use your own voice. So we really appreciate that so much. And we totally hear you when you wish we could do more episodes and we want to. It's a work in progress. That's why we have our Patreon. So thank you so

much for supporting the Patreon. That's why we run some ads. Those are just like how we're able to bring these stories to you. And we don't do ads if we don't love the stuff. So just know that. And all the info for ads in the show notes and patrons in the show notes and all our social, Dating Detectives Podcast. And then you can email us. I was going to see. Don't look at me. Do it yourself.

She looked at me like, I'm going to say it. One of these days, okay, investigate at the dating detectivespodcast.com. Hit us with your stories. Hit us with your love stories. Also coming up on Patreon, someone sent me a love story. Oh, you guys got to hear that. Oh, my God. Hannah's eyes got big about me.

That sounds like they sent me a love lover. They were sharing her. They were sharing a love story, but they know how much Hannah loves love stories. And so Hannah, she saw, it said a love story for Hannah. Her eyes got biggest saucers and she was so excited. I was afraid it was going to be like an April Fool's joke and they were going to be like, love love love. Me too, because I trust no one.

Like I was like, yeah, right. Like, no, I don't trust you. No, they just wanted us to be like the opposite. Have one diamond in the rough. Love is. real, don't worry. Go to Patreon if you need to remind yourself that. I love it. And I love you, Mackenzie. This was a really good one. And it's such a, such a joy to do these stories with you. I just love getting to tell them with you. Sam'sies. Ditto to you. I love you so much. And Molly,

we love you too. Molly behind the scenes. So she don't, like, y'all don't see her a lot. But she's the wizard of us. She's the brains. And so somebody said, I think somebody said on the thing, on one of the, I think it was on the Patreon. Maybe they were like, if you have to do more episodes a week, like, people are getting legit mad that there's not more. Molly got hives when you said that. Let me tell you how excited that makes me that, like, we are in demand. So thank you so much.

But we just know that we want to, I just want to sit here all day and tell stories, but that don't pay the bills. Yeah. As soon as we get my money, we will do it. But send us your stories because that helps too. We love you. And thank you for the support. Like everyone who supports us, that really helps.

So make sure you're just sharing our podcast on your socials and tag us, connect with us. Like, you just chat with us. Everything, you know, helps us to grow and so we can do more for you to serve you better. So thank you so much. Love you guys. Have a good week.

We'll see you next week. Bye, Hannah. And you guys, trust your family.