The Dating Detectives - The Ex Wives Club

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

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The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-723 for support. Hello, dating detectives. And hi, Hannah. Hey, girl. Wow, we back. We back, y'all.

With a big one today. Yeah, but also, just real quick, since the Patreon is so new and I'm so excited about it, you guys, we're going to have another episode today out on the Patreon. A bonus episode. Bonus episodes, if you're already a Patreoner, it's five, it's, then you can go ahead and go listen to it. If you want to join the Patreon, it's $5 a month, and you'll get two bonus episodes. the dating detectives. This week, we're talking a little bit about how to be a PI and a little bit

about my background and what happened. I basically, yeah, we took like all the questions, McKenzie gets all the time and dove very deep into them. And a lot of you seem a little interested in this career path. So you should check it out. But even if not, it's still so wild to hear about the stuff that you've done. And your story's awesome. So yeah, I'm glad we did a whole episode devoted to it because you've put it out in like little videos here and there, but you needed, you needed to really dive in. I love it. Yeah. So it'll, it'll answer so many of your questions. So and then I'm curious to know what questions you still have afterwards. Oh my God. Well, the Patreon link to join is in the description of this episode. You can find it on our social media. And yeah,

we're also doing like live like Q&As with the Patreon subscribers. You have early access to merch when that drops, which will be kind of soon. So, yeah. check out the Patreon. Yeah, yeah. And as far as today's episode, are you ready to hear this crazy story? Yeah, we have a really awesome guest, as always. Our guests have been just killer out.

They're incredible. Yeah, this story was really amazing. Also, I mean, I don't want to spoil anything, but there were parts of recording this that made my heart so warm. McKenzie, like, I'll just say the bronzer. That's all I'll say. Guys, oh my gosh.

You have to wait till you hear it. You're going to be like, oh, my God. It was so relatable. You're going to feel like you were sitting there with us in this woman's home because we were all just viving. I hate that she went through what she went through, but I love her. I can't wait for you guys to hear it. Shall we get into it and meet our guest? I think so.

Let's do it. Welcome. Hey, Julia. We're excited to hear your story. Please tell us all the things. What do we need to know? Oh, boy. I hope you guys are both sitting down nice and comfy, comfy, because this is a doozy. Oh, boy, it's my favorite worker.

You know we have a doozy. Take it away. I can say that now because I've been through years of therapy and, like, I've healed. That's a good thing to preface with so we can all, like, breathe a little bit throughout. All right. So I think that one thing I should start with is that I'm a curvil. lady. I got the curves. I got the junk in the trunk. How yeah. Twinsies. Which again, also something I'm comfortable with now, but growing up, like, obviously not so much. So I would say it definitely hindered dating. So I was like much older before I started dating and I used that term very loosely because essentially I just had like two serious relationships. And the first relationship, it was a long

distance relationship. He was in the military and essentially we dated for like a year and then he just ghosted me. It was so strange. A year? Yes. That sucks. It did at the time. Yeah. So a couple of years after that, I ended up moving to North Carolina very briefly. I had this like overwhelming urge to not be where I was. And long story short, ended up not working out. So it's only there for like a year. So when I came back, my best friend at the time and I got an apartment together. And she was actually the one who convinced me to do online dating. I was like super, super nervous, mostly because I had zero confidence in myself at all. And at that point, I was like 27 or 28 and so really not comfortable with who I was like on the outside and really the inside.

I don't think I had fully kind of grown into myself yet. But she basically was like, listen, there are so many people, like just do a easy site. We end up picking plenty of fish. And she'll be fun. Just don't, it's not serious, who cares, whatever. Okay. So I went on. I casually chatted with a couple of people.

But very soon after I got on, I got a message from Damien. And I don't know if either of you have online dated. I met my husband on plenty of fish. Shut up. I did. Yes. Oh, my God. I feel like I remember hearing that.

Yeah, we were both on match and plenty of fish. I was like, okay, go ahead, plenty of fish. I've never been. Yeah, I haven't done plenty of fish. Don't do it. Okay. I mean, obviously it works out for some people. All of the apps are some pros, some cons.

I know. Except for Tinder. That's pretty much con. That's 90% con. Yeah, all the time, right? Yeah. Yeah, agreed. So he sends me this message, right? And right when I click on the message, I obviously look at his profile and I see his picture and he was not my type at all. There was like zero

attraction at all. But obviously, if you've online dated, you know that most of the time you just get these like really stupid messages that are just like, what's up beautiful? Or like, hey, sexy. I'm like, can you put some thought into it, please? I was always so unimpressed. right? So I get this message from Damien and it is this like paragraph long message that was like very clearly thought out. It was really, really good. Like the grammar was perfect and I was so impressed that I said to myself, you know what? And he wasn't like on attractive. He just wasn't really my type. So I just said, you know what? I'm so impressed with this message. Like I feel like I have to respond. So I did. So like I just told myself, okay, we meet him and we kind of see where it goes. And he was so

like up front and honest in the initial message that it just made me feel like, okay, this is like a super honest guy. Like he's so upfront. This is great, right? So I respond and we end up talking for almost two months before we even met, which was totally on me. I was so, so nervous. But then by the time we actually did meet, it was kind of like we had. already been together. Like, we just instantly fell into a relationship. Like, after the first date, it was just like, okay, we're together. And that was it. Was he the first one you had ever met in person online? Yes, actually. Okay. And even before we met, like, in our texts and phone call conversations, what I now know is love bombing. Obviously, at the time, I didn't realize that's what it was.

But there was, like, so much of it. And I think that is obviously, what made me fall for him so quickly because I remember even talking to my friends like I can't believe I'm falling for this guy like so fast. This is so weird. This is so not me at all. And love bombing real quick for anybody who doesn't know is just like a slew of wonderful, great

messages or something that someone tells you just oh, you're so beautiful and you're so this and you're so great and all these wonderful things and gifts and everything you want to hear, everything you want to feel. That's love bombing and like a lot of it. And it works. It really does. Especially when you feel so crappy about yourself and you finally have this person who's just telling you that you are wonderful, like everything about you. And especially for him, like he was very, very attracted to my body. Like he happened to just like full figure

ladies. And I think that I really had never been with anyone like that either. Because even if I had guys that were in my life, I kind of always had random guys. in and out. You never felt like not appreciated for who you are. Right. It was kind of just, yeah, it was yuck. It was yucky. So he just made me very much feel like for the first time extremely comfortable in my body. He made sure that I knew all the time that he was attracted to me. He loved me the way that I was. Like it was just exactly what I needed, especially at that time in my life on our first date. The first thing I noticed was that he hadn't shaved or gotten a haircut. I just remember thinking, like, here I am. I spent like over an hour getting ready. Of course,

like I did my hair, my makeup. And all I could think was like, wow, he couldn't even like get a haircut. But I told myself, you know what, I can work with that. He hasn't been in, as far as I knew, he hadn't been in a relationship for over a year. Maybe he just didn't. think about it. I don't know. So in the time that we had been talking and into our first date, I knew that he had a daughter from a previous marriage. So I did know that he had been married one time. And he essentially told me that, of course, what they all say, his ex-wife was awful, as terrible woman and would never let him see his daughter and blobbity, blah-de-blobody. So he did have a daughter from an ex-wife. He saw her occasionally. Him and the ex-svike did not really

get along, like, whatever. He also had told me that he had been in the military and was working as a security contractor. So I did not know what that was. And he said, oh, well, have you ever seen this movie? And I'm like, no, I haven't. He's like, well, that's basically what I do. And he had me look up the movie. And for anyone who doesn't know, essentially security contracting, it's a very like paramilitary profession. And you do things like your security for very high up people in government. A lot of this stuff takes place in the Middle East.

It's a very dangerous job. And there are a lot of qualifications that you have to have in order to do jobs like this. Because it is super dangerous, they pay you like stupid money. He then said that, He was doing that for a few years after you got out of the military. And he decided to stop because he wanted to be able to see his daughter more.

Because when you do that job, you're gone for like months at a time. It's essentially like a deployment. Got it. So he stopped doing that and he started working as like a delivery driver for like FedEx. What? He goes from that kind of salary to a FedEx driver salary? Mm-hmm. Okay, go ahead, boy.

Mm-hmm. And like the way he explained it was that he was willing to make this sacrifice. Because he's such a good dad. A good dad. You know, like he's just the best. So after our first day, I dropped him off. And when he was walking away, he was like, so like, what are we? Like if someone asked me, like, where I was this weekend, what can I say?

And I was like, well, I mean, I guess word can be like official. show like I'll be your girlfriend and he literally jumped in the air like fist pumping the air like so excited about this. All right. And I remember being like wow. Okay. He like really obviously likes me a lot. I do love enthusiasm so right. He showed a lot of enthusiasm. That's how I thought. I was like this is great. I've never got this before. Like is this what a normal relationship. relationship is like and in you. So along with the love bombing and like he would do things like that, he also did little things like if I was at work and he wasn't working that day, I would come home and like my whole apartment would be spotless. Oh. Yes. Well. And like and my love language for a lot of people.

That is the service. Yes. It really was. And like I would come home. My laundry would be washed, folded and put away. Wow. I said like verbatim to my friends, guys, like I found him. I found the unicorn. He like picks up after himself. He helps me clean. He is like very loving.

He says all the right things. Like I was just completely convinced that I found him. Oh my goodness. And it was like so exciting. And then that made me fall even harder for him. So the apartment that I lived in, there were three floors. And I was on the first floor. And at one point, the third floor, it was like a small attic apartment, but it became available.

So he ends up moving into the third floor apartment. So the apartment, it ended up really being kind of a gross apartment. There was a lot of like fundamental issues with the apartment, like the heating and the plumbing, like things you like need. long story short he ends up moving in with me and kind of around that same time I end up losing my job so I asked the landlord if she would let me use the security deposit from his apartment to pay my half of the rent that month and she was very nice about it and she says yeah that's totally fine but I'm going to need you to clean up the apartment upstairs And I'm like, what do you mean?

And she, like, responded. She's like, obviously, you haven't been up there recently. Like, it's trashed. What? Oh. So I walked upstairs because everything was always unlocked. And I can't even describe to you how disgusting. Literally, there are no words to even describe how disgusting this place was.

I mean, like, trash food. he did dip tobacco which is like the most disgusting habit on the face of the planet so he literally would just like spit into any container that was available and just leave it around and just leave it around

there were stuff scattered everywhere trash dirty clothes food and I was just I was floored because I did not know that side of him and when I confronted him

about the mess in the apartment. He, this is when he kind of starts to use his PTSD, which is what he told me he had from the military. Oh, boy. He starts to kind of use that as a little bit of an excuse. And naturally, I feel awful because, you know, I have family members that are in the military that served overseas. Yeah, you're not going to say, yeah, well, I don't care if you have PTSD.

Right. Like, so obviously, okay, fine. I can work with that, you know. I encouraged him to go to therapy, but it was just so weird because he was so clean in me, like overly clean and me in my apartment. Oh, yeah, the fact that he was, I forgot that he was like showing up and cleaning and not telling you. That's so strange. Right.

Yes, it was so strange. Oh, boy. Aside from this mess, this is the first, like, he's still treating you like a queen. He's still, you feel like a pedestal. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, yes. And within a few months of talking, he was like already talking about marriage. He was like ready to do the thing.

And I remember thinking like, wow, he's like totally into this. Like, we can just do this. We can get married. I can have a baby rally time on 32. This is wonderful. And this whole time, everyone that I met him liked him, my family liked him. He had come to all of our holidays. I mean, everything.

Did he ever get a haircut? So he did. Right? And that is the other thing. He did. And then he became like super into it. Oh. Okay.

So he, yeah, he was like, I could play this role for whatever you want. Yes, because it's not even like I had to remind him. He just did it. And I was like, this is great. Look at him like doing the things, you know. So we had been together for almost less than a year. year, like 10 months, and he proposed, which was for me not out of the blue at all. It was totally like, this is the natural progression. This is what we're doing. Yeah, that's all right. Yeah.

So even though at this time, there was like a little, little Maggie voice kind of pointing out some of the things that probably like weren't great, but I just pushed her way deep down. So he proposes. Obviously, I say yes. And very, very quickly, the wedding planning started. Like, my mom was super excited. I was excited. Like, we did things. We were ready to go. Were you like a wedding girl who had the Pinterest ready, locked and loaded? Oh, yes. We were very newly engaged and I was talking to his sister. And some reason, the conversation had come up with his parents, they were, nervous that we were going to elope because he had already been married before and like whatever. So I had like texted her like, can you please just tell your parents like, we are not going to elope. That's not what I'm planning. Like, do not worry. Send them the Pinterest board. Hello. Come on. This is serious stuff. I'm having a wedding. Yeah. Okay. Right.

So she responds back and I don't remember the exact text message, but it was something along the lines of, well, you know, third times the charm. Third? Third. I don't math, but that ain't mathin. That ain't mathin. That ain't mathin. So now, you gotta remember at this point, because I'm gonna sound real dumb, but the wedding was

essentially planned, okay? I felt like I could not, there was no backing out. I flip out. He was laying on the couch sleeping, and I was like, how many times have you been married? And his face just went like white. Oh, no. Yeah. So it turns out I would be his third marriage and that there was a woman in between his first wife and me.

Now, once again, really good at explaining things away. So essentially what he told me was him and his first wife, who they were together for a fair amount of time. When they get divorced, he was just like felt really awful. He felt terrible about himself. He felt like completely unlovable, like blah, blah, blah. And he ends up meeting this girl. And they like within a very short period of time ended up getting engaged and married. He said it lasted less than a year.

It was really awful for both of us. Like we both knew we made a mistake. Neither one of us like wanted to be in it anymore. We, you know, we ended up breaking up. we've been broken up over a year, blah, blah, blah, blah. But he never mentioned her. No. So, well, he called her his girlfriend.

Oh. Jinks, Migenzy. Moments of clarity. So, obviously, I find that out, and I am just, I'm shattered. I am heartbroken. We have this big conversation about it. I essentially tell him, like, you, you, you, broke my heart. Like, I don't know what to do from this point, but I also didn't break it off

because, like I said, like, we were very far into the wedding things. Yeah. And honestly, like, I still wanted to marry him. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, he's still the person that you've been in love with. There's new information. That's the hard. Right. Right. And I think that I could also talk myself into it because who hasn't been in a place? so you just feel awful about yourself and the first person who gives you any kind of attention like you will take it and it doesn't matter. I've been there.

Yeah. Right. Totally relatable. I also think it's interesting that him telling you about his secret marriage, he kind of used that similar excuse for why that marriage happened knowing probably that you've dealt with that feeling as well. Like it's interesting that he had happened to what you would empathize me. He knew you'd relate.

He knew, exactly, because people like him are professionals, which is what I have to keep reminding myself of literally on a daily basis. So after that happened, obviously, I was very, very hurt. And because of that, I really had no desire to be physical with him at all. That was just how my brain dealt with it. I just did not want to have sex at all. And I basically was like, I just need some time. I have to work this out. But, you know, he apologizes and he's trying to do the things, doing all the wedding planning.

And also at this point, him and I end up getting an apartment that so is just going to be us too, right? So it's a moving day, which towards the end of the day, we've done all the things. You know, we're starting to get things unpacked. And he had to go back to our old apartment for something. and he left his phone behind. And so... I got so excited. You guys, I almost peed myself.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's funny. So we always had like stupid little names for each other in our phones and we would change them on each other. Like I would go into my phone and he'd be something really weird. And so it was kind of just like a little joke between us. And so I'm like, oh good, I'm going to go in there. I'm going to change my name to something like really.

weird, right? So I open it up and the text messages are there. And so it has me. And then like a couple ones down, it just has the letter C. And I'm like, okay. Hold on before you go on, was there anything that was like suspicious before you open that phone? Like, ooh, let me see. Or was there no suspicion of anything whatsoever? Literally nothing. Okay. You genuinely just wanted to make your name like something silly. Yes. I trusted this man like it was, there was, there was, Nothing. Yeah, it was not a great life choice. So I click on it and it's a conversation with this girl. Now, it wasn't crazy, but it absolutely crossed the line for someone who was engaged to be married. Like, you should not be having this type of conversation. And I just remember being devastated. Obviously. And yes. So I confront him a. immediately. And he tells me that he started talking to this girl who he used to be friends

with because I stopped sleeping with him and I wasn't showing him any affection and blahty, blahty, blah,y. And I'm like, right, because you broke my heart. You betrayed me. Like, how are we actually making this about your feelings right now? Yeah, definitely not. And like, I had even said to him, I'm like, not one seduce. express this to me. Like, yes, we were not being physical and there definitely was like a distance between us. But he never once was like, hey, dear, I've noticed that you did not want to have sex with me. This worries me. Can we discuss it? Like, nothing. There was no conversation. Yeah. Some communication, please. Right. Like, any form of communication would have been something.

Like, he just went from that to talking to somebody else. And I was just like, that's not how any of this works. So, of course, he still, like, brings up the PTSD stuff. So he would, anytime, like, he was in trouble for something, he would blame his PTSD because, you know, it just gets in the way and he doesn't know how to communicate and blah-de-blab-de-blah, whatever. He suggested doing couples therapy. So naturally, I'm like, yes, this is fantastic.

Let's learn to communicate, right? Yeah, of course. But I do, honestly. Yes, right. Especially like, you know, before we get married, let's do this. And so at the time, the therapist that we were using, she would see me privately and see him privately. And then she would also do couples therapy like for us. And even in the couples therapy, again, it was always about the PTSD. He actually, this is so horrifying. He told me that he actually that he actually witnessed

children being shot and killed. And like that was what can that was the main contributing factor to his PTSD. And because of that, here I am,

Googling the PTSD trying to find out all of the things I can do to help this man because oh my God, this poor guy is a war veteran and going through all the things. And so at this point this is when he kind of

he started to change a little bit he was not as good at hiding who he was it was more like stupid things though he was just like starting a lot of fights he stopped doing nice things for me stopped cleaning up after himself just was always trying to fight with me

I think that he kind of was just having a hard time keeping all the things like all the balls in the air You know what I mean? Yeah. He's struggling. So at this point, I really just held on to who I fell in love with.

Like, I just kept thinking it would come back, you know, because he really was this really fantastic person. And that is who I fell in love with. Obviously, I didn't fall in love with this piece of shit person. I think even at the wedding, I just kept thinking, like, it's going to come back. Well, and you probably felt like PTSD can, that's something that we can treat and he'll be fine. Right. So let's go to the wedding day, right? Yeah, yeah.

He actually ends up starting a fight with me on the wedding day. What? Oh, stop it. Yes. God. Cut to me walking down the aisle, right? I like walk down the aisle. I get in front of him.

And the first thing I notice is that this jerk. did not shave. Oh, no. Come on. I am standing there in my wedding dress looking at this man that I am supposed to be the rest of my life with

and he couldn't even shave. But I know now that he did it on purpose because he knew I had told him multiple times don't forget to shave, don't forget your razor, blah-de-blobody,

but he did it just to be a jerk because he knew that it would piss me off. What the heck? Yeah. Is that ruined your way? wedding day or were you fine? Like you just went through with it and it was fine. I just went through it. It was fine. It ended up being like literally other than him. It was a great day. It was so much fun. Everyone had a blast. If we could just like take him out of it, it was perfect. One tiny little he did. Yeah. Okay. So the wedding happens. You know, things kind of start to like calm down a little bit. And so we get married. And besides if I really wanted a baby. I had like some underlining health issues and essentially I like every special time I went to was like you are never going to be able to get pregnant naturally like so just right away you're going to want to start with fertility treatments right.

I went to my OB and told him like, you know, I want to start trying blah, blah, blah. He's like, okay, he gave me a referral to a fertility clinic. It ended up that they didn't take my insurance. So I'm like, oh my God. Like I'm what am I supposed to do? I'm never going to be able to have a baby. So we kind of just agreed to like, we'll just try and see what happens. And one day, I remember, like, I took an ovulation test and it was like super, super positive.

Like, this was the day I was ovulating. So I'm like, do you want to just try? Like, you know, it's not going to hurt. Who cares? So cut to me finding out I'm pregnant, like, less than two weeks later. Wow. Yeah. It was wonderful.

except for So I took the pregnancy test It instantly comes back positive So I take the test He's still sleeping at the time I take the test I run into the bench and I wake him up I show him I'm like look look look look look

Like oh my god this is amazing And he responds with Well I mean do we really know how accurate that is Shut up wait till you talk to the doctor Ew I was crushed True heartbreaking.

I'm still crushed. I'm still crushed, especially because, like, I'm not going to have any more kids. So that was my only, that was my moment. And he knew how badly I wanted this. He knew that I didn't think it was going to happen. And I was just utterly crushed. I could not believe it. I was expecting the jumping up and down tears of happiness.

He told you you were going to get forever when he begged you. Right. Girlfriend. Yeah. I wanted the fist bumping, you know. He's really showing his true colors at this point. Are you so annoyed by him at this point? Like, ew.

Yes, accurate. So at this point, that happened and that kind of sealed it for me. I was like, I don't need you anymore. Like I was completely shut down. I really wanted nothing to do with him. And so I remember in the very beginning I told you that there was this movie that he had told me, oh, you know, have you seen this? Like, that's what I do for a living.

So he used to watch this movie like fairly regularly. Did you say what it, you didn't say what it was? Are you allowed to? Yes. It's called Range 15. Range 15. And it's a really heartbreaking movie. It's based on our true story.

It's really heartbreaking. And people in it die. And he would literally sit there and watch this movie like with tears pouring down his face. He told me that one of the guys that was like one of the main characters, he actually worked with him at one point. He had all of these like elaborate stories and that's why it was so upsetting to him. Oh, wow. Because like he knew what this was like.

He's been in dangerous situations like that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, but then I start realizing because of this point, like I've now seen the movie a thousand times, that the things that he's telling me are like very close to what's happening in the loop. movie. Uh-huh. And I'm like, that's a little weird. Yeah, that's really weird. You know, kind of just like second-guessing things a little bit. So at this point, and I remember it's funny now, but it really wasn't that funny at the time.

So he would always come home with these like really crazy stories. As time went on, they got more and more ridiculous, right? so he comes home one day. Now, I want you to keep in mind that he, he's an EMT, but he's a basic EMT. He can't do anything, okay? Like, there's nothing wrong with basic EMTs. I could never do it.

But, like, they literally can just transport people. They can't give IV, like, nothing, right? Not a doctor. So, right? Well, that's a paramedic, right? A paramedic, they could do, like, they're, like, the next level down. They can do all the things. Gotcha.

So he brings a patient into the hospital, when he's there, there is another patient on a gurney and that patient starts to code. So there's a doctor with that patient. I can't even say it without a lot of it. There's a doctor with that patient, okay? And out of everyone that's in this hospital, the doctor turns to him and points him and says, you, do you know how to do chest compressions? And he's like, of course I do.

And the doctor's like, all right, get on. and he jumps on, he straddles a patient, and he's doing chest compressions as they're wheeling him through the hospital. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Was that on an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Yeah, probably. Yes.

It actually was? Yes, I didn't realize that until I was telling my friend about it, and she's like, wait a second. She ordered her we went and looked up, like, the episode, the season, and she's like, God. Mm-hmm. Yep. No wonder his stories were so good. I mean, he was taking it. I know. But what does he do? Like, why does he tell these stories? I don't know. Attention, I guess. So it did seem like once I found out about like the girl he was talking to and the second wife, he definitely felt like he was losing that control that he had over me. Oh, for sure. So then maybe he started with the storytelling. to gain that control back?

I don't know. Because I believe everything he said to me all the time. He knew that too probably. So for sure he knew that. I think that things started to fall apart for him. When I knew that he was lying, when I started calling him out on little things. And then I think he almost spent the whole rest of the time

trying to get that back. Like, how come she doesn't believe me anymore? And also like throughout my whole pregnancy, he was always working, quote unquote, a lot of shifts. But for some reason, it was not always like in his paycheck. Oh, for some reason. Yeah. Some strange reason.

So weird. But like, I, again, totally believed him because he had literally been on the phone, on the phone, I say that, quotes, with HR talking to them about the discrepancy in his paycheck and oh yeah they're going to get taken care of and at this point i was pregnant and sick and i just didn't really focus on it that much and this continued into even after when i had the baby i developed like pretty severe postpartum depression like to the point where i was suicidal oh my god that's one thing we haven't covered on the show yet is postpartum and then postpartum i can't and then this relationship oh my god yeah so i like to be like super open about postpartum because i feel like

people don't talk about it enough. Please do. Not at all. Yeah. Like I am grateful because I had already been going to therapy at this point. So I kind of knew how my feeling should be. So when they were so drastically out of whack, I knew something was wrong. I didn't quite know it was postpartum, but I remember calling my doctor and she's like,

what's going on? And I'm just like, I don't know. Something's wrong. Like this is what I'm feeling. And she's like, here's the thing. you just had a baby like this is what's going on and i'm like okay so like i'm not actually going to kill myself but i kind of think about it a lot so wow oh man and it was awful so it's like you know i have this newborn baby who never stops crying i am like so depressed and suicidal i have this

husband who is never around who's always working was he really working this whole time so no i find out later on. Some of the times, yes, he was. But what he was doing, there's two things he was doing. One, he was going into work and just hanging out because it was, it's kind of like a fire station. Like, they have a TV. They have video games. They have a kitchen. He can go there and just say, oh, I'm working. Merking. Yeah. He would just like have a grand old time because then he didn't have me there nagging him and asking him to, you know, help raise his baby things like that. Yeah, you're such a bad guy. So was he just being. lazy by going to work and not having to help at home? Is that? Yes, but he also was cheating on me.

There's a little bit more we need to get to before we get to that part. Oh, snap. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is where it gets extra juicy. Okay. Oh, no. So I went back to work eight weeks, no, six weeks after I had my son. I was back at work. But I worked from home on the computer. Okay. So I'm like kind of working, kind of trying to do bills and I go into our bank account and I notice there is this huge charge and now there's like no money in it. And the description of it was, I didn't even know what it was. So I call him upstairs. I'm like, hi, what is this large amount of money that's missing from our bank account?

He goes, oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about that. Do tell, please. Yeah. He's like, well, I bought this cologne. And I'm like, what I'm sorry we can't even buy food and you're buying $300

Cologne? Cologne? What's going on? Cologne, yep. And he goes Well, let me explain. Like, okay. He goes, it's a pheromone cologne. I'm sorry. Yeah. I know. I know.

This is so ridiculous but it comes back so don't worry. And I'm like, what do you need? He's like, well, you know, you really like you haven't had any kind of interest in me and things really haven't been good. So I thought that if I got this colon, it would make you want me.

My first response was you didn't think that being a supportive father and husband would make me want you. Right? You thought you just needed to amp up your natural musk? Yes. Yep. That'll do it.

Oh, no. Wow. But the best part is he's tells me, well, you know what, though, don't worry, because it never came in. And I'm like, okay, so was it some sort of like a scam or something? He's like, I think so. Yeah, you don't say. Mm-hmm. So I call the bank and I tell them, this is a scam, blah-bitty, blah-bitty. They almost immediately send the money back, no problem. So it's like the first year of my son's life, things are not good at all. We're constantly fighting. So every year in my family,

goes on this camping trip with like three other families. There's like 40 people. And it just so happened that it fell on the weekend of my son's first birthday. So I'm like, cool, we're just going to have a birthday party because everyone's already going to be there. We'll just do the party at the campground, right? Yeah. So at this point, so it's summer, I suggest that we invite his daughter. So because, so for the last few years, he's really only seeing his daughter sporadically. Oh, that's right. His daughter. Okay. I know. Yes, he is a daughter, right? At this point, me and his first wife, we're not friends, but we're like friendly.

We kind of half would talk about him and like his weird, annoying things that he did. And, you know, I didn't think that she was this evil person anymore. So we end up inviting her, right? So he's going to be working for most of the week. And the plan was he was going to come up on a Friday and stay Friday and Saturday night, right? So we go up on a Thursday. I had picked up his daughter with my son. The next day, we're packing up the car, getting ready to go camping.

So at this point, I realized that the medication, my antidepressant that I'm taking for the postpartum, is about to run out. So I go try to refill it. And the pharmacy is like, hey, for some reason, like, we don't have this right now. It's going to take a couple of days before we can refill it. Oh, no. So this means I'm going to be like about 48 hours without my meds. It's really not that big of a deal.

Anyone who takes antidepressants knows that it builds up in your system. You know, it's not ideal to stop taking it. I'm not saying like don't take them. Please don't do that. But it's not like the end of the world if you don't. But I was definitely upset about it. I felt like that was my only lifeline. I was clinging on to the fact that like I had those to help me, you know, survive.

Right. So we're packing up the car and I said to him like, I told him what happened at the pharmacy. I was like, listen, I need you to bring this medication to the campground when you come on Friday night. And he's like, yep, okay, sure, not a problem. Fine. So I pack up the car, I take his daughter, our son, up to the campground. My son ends up coming down with a cold like that night.

Oh, no. It was terrible. So the first night was absolutely awful. My son was off all night crying. I had texted him multiple times in the middle of the night. I was like, listen, I need you to call out of work tomorrow. So this would have been meeting that Friday. I need help.

Like, I can't do this. I can't do, you know, his daughter and the baby. It was just too much. I'm like, I need help. It was a lot. And he's not responding. So now keep in mind, I can still see his location, right? So around the time where he would normally be heading into work, I check his location.

And I can see that he is currently on his way to work. So I call him for the hundredth time and he answers. But he answers like super casual. Hey, what's up? I'm like, what's up? Are you fucking kidding? Like, I lost it on him. Yeah.

And he, he comes, I don't know, some stupid excuse about how, you know, he already talked to his boss and his boss said he couldn't call out. So, I mean, I am in tears. I'm begging him. And he just straight up refuses. Nope, I have to go to work. So I was like, you know what? I am done.

I am done with you. Do not call me. Do not text me. I said, you better not show up here tomorrow. She's done. I was so done, right? So take my phone, throw it in a tent. I don't even think about it.

So a little while later, I'm taking my son for a walk around the campground, and I see a police car. And just as the cop is like walking up, I can hear him say, oh, I'm looking for Julia, you know, so-and-so. And I like whip my head around. I'm like, oh, that's me. And he's like, you're Julia? I'm like, yes. What's going on?

And he's like, the cop looks super confused. So I'm like, can you tell me what's going on? Because here I'm thinking like my husband got into an accident. Yeah. Or something. Like he's in the ambulance. Like, I don't know. Whatever.

So cop pulls me aside. He's like, well, he's like, I'll be honest with you. I'm a little bit confused. I'm like, so am I. What is happening? he's like, well, your husband called us. He said, he called us to do a well-being check because he told us that you were not on your medication

and he didn't feel like you could take care of the children. What? What? Yeah. This was my exact response, okay? I am. Yeah. My jaw is on the floor.

I am. Yes. Like this is being, okay. I can't. mouth dropped. What a sicko. So I said, right? So I said to the cop, I said, officer, I'm so sorry. Him and I got into an argument earlier today. And he's like, well, can you tell me? Like, do you have medication you take? I told him exactly what I told you guys.

I'm like, listen, you can talk to my doctor. Like, I am fine. And he's like, well, honestly, you look fine. I'm like, because I am. So then I asked my parents, I'm like, can you guys check your phones? Everyone check your phones and see if he tried to get and touch you. Because if he was so worried about me. He would have called everybody a hundred times. He would, exactly. Not one missed caller text from this man on anyone's phone.

So then his first wife is calling me, and I just immediately gave the phone to their daughter. And I was like, oh, mommy's on the phone. She wants to talk to you, not really thinking anything of it. His daughter walks back. Oh, no, she wants to talk to you. I was like, oh, okay. I'm like, hello. She's like, are you okay?

What? What are you? I'm, what I'm fine? What do you mean? She's like, well, Damien called me and he called his parents and he'll, everyone that you're having like some sort of a breakdown. You're not taking your medication. And then I'm like, what? What? Oh my God. So now, keep on mind, this woman is in a different state. Okay. Like, she is several hours away from us. She says, I just left work. I was ready to come and get my daughter. And I'm like, oh my God, I am so sorry. I kind of tell her what happened. and what he did. And this is the point where she's like, okay, we need to talk. And I'm like, and okay. Just now she wants to have the, okay, I see. Finally. Let's hear it. Let's hear what you have to say, baby mama. Yeah. So her and I start to have this conversation. We're talking on the phone. And she's just telling me different things about him and what's like basically all the lies that he's told. So, I said something about his PTSD. And she's like, what are you fucking talking about?

He's not in the military. Bingo. No. Not even in the military. Well, okay. So he did basic training. Oh, did he? All right.

He did basic training. And he was, so I guess there are three different discharges. it can be honorable, dishonorable, or there's another little fun section called other than honorable. Interesting. So it's like, it's basically so that you don't have dishonorable like on your record. But they don't want to give you honorable. Exactly. So I'm like, what are you talking about?

She's like, hold on. I'm going to, I'm going to send you something. So she sends me two pictures. and it is his discharge paperwork. And this is where I see the other than honorable. And then under it, it says adjustment disorder. So if you look that up, essentially, it's just a military term that they use when you can't, you like can't make it in the military.

Yep. Okay. So like he had. Because of the, because of the environmental stressors that come with, yep. Why didn't she tell you that before, though? Why did she wait? So why? I know. So her and I've had this conversation a couple of times. And I guess when she found out that him and I were engaged, her and wife number two actually had a conversation. And she was like, listen, I think we need to tell her. And wife number two said to her, you know what? I was in her exact situation. And if you had come to me

and told me these things, I would have told you that you were a liar because I was so completely brainwashed and so head over heels of love with him that it didn't matter what you would have said. I still would have married him. You know what? She's probably right. That's probably completely true. And that's what I said. And I said that to her.

She's like, you have your friend come to you. Like you did kind of feel. Yeah. Yeah. And I told her that. I said, I do not blame any of this on you. Like, I am not mad because she's like, I am so sorry. I should have never let you get into this.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And can we talk about, we're not going to demonize this thing, this discharge in the military or whatever, but it's the fact that he lied about it. Like, he's been telling you he has PTSD from watching children be blown up. And that was all just a lie. That is so messed up. Like, lie is an understatement.

Okay. This man told me, first of all, that he had done the four years, his four years, right? But that he was deployed. He told me the unit. he was in. He told me the country he was deployed to. Oh my God. He cried. Cried in my arms. And watching the movie. And watching the movie about all of the awful things. He should have gone to a drama school. He really should have. He would have been fantastic. Wow. I mean, just telling me all these awful things. That was what, right,

the finding that out was what I needed to be like, like, nope, I'm done. So that was a point where... Lord Almighty. Okay, I should have known that my child was way too quiet. He said he did you. He's covered in my bronzer. It's all gone. You guys, the combo back, the bronzer is gone.

Listen, hashtag mom life, right? Hashtag mom life. He's got that healthy glow. Hot mess express over here. That's what this is. Oh my God. He's covered in bronze. So pretty.

See, he looks beautiful. You can see. She's shining from here. He had a couple too. Oh my gosh. He spent a little too long in the tanning bed. Yeah, right. He's so shimmering.

Oh, Lord, almighty. Okay. Anyways, sorry about that. So we get back from the camping trip, and I have decided I am leaving him. I talk to my parents about it. So ultimately we decide, okay, this is the day I'm going to tell him he has to leave, but we have to get him a car because if not, he literally has no, like, where is he going to go? You're just going to sit in my neighborhood? Yeah. So my dad, because he is a saint,

buys him this like really cheap little sedan, right, just to get him away from us, right? So my ex is at work. I and two of my really good friends were going to come. pack up all his stuff. So now at this point, I really hadn't been upstairs into the room that he was staying in. I'm scared. You should be. Oh, no. So we walked in and you could not see the floor of this bedroom. I picked up a blanket that was on the floor. I picked it up and it stuck to the floor. No. Why? What is going on?

So then we're starting to go through things, separate the trash from whatever his stuff is. And my best friend, she's like, do you care if I go through stuff? I was like, I go through whatever you want. So they're going through things. I'm like catatonic at this point. I'm just standing there. I imagine. I'm not even able to function.

So my friends, one of them's going on getting all the trash, whatever. And all of the sudden my best friend goes, what the hell is that? this and she holds up this like little bottle and it was a very it was short it was thin bottle she's like is this loob or something and i pick it up i recognize the name i'm like why does that oh my god i'm like the cologne she goes what what i'm like the cologne the cologne the cologne that he told me never came in that i got the money back from the bank this was it and he was it and he was still using it. He just hid it from me. Now, one thing, and I would never, ever, ever admit this to him, but he did smell really good. Like, whatever that pheromone is, it works. Because that, so that

ended up being a lie. It did come in. He just, like, told me it didn't so we could get our money back. And that was my breaking point. Because that makes sense. Sometimes that's what it is. It's like all of that shit and then that little lie or like, yes. That was the breaking point. Yeah. So I pack up all of his stuff.

His car is all packed up. He comes home and I'm already waiting outside. I'm standing by his car. I told him my dad got him a car. So he gets out of the car and he's like, what's going on? And I was like, well, all your shit is in the car. This is me leaving you. And he doesn't even ask about our son.

He doesn't say, can I say bye to him? He doesn't say, can we talk about it? Nothing. He just gets in the car and leaves. And then within 20 minutes of him leaving, both of our bank accounts were cleaned up. He took everything. He took everything. Now, here's the thing.

We did not have much. Okay, we were broke as fuck. I was not to say. What did he get? Yeah, right. No, it was not a lot. But it's still the principle. Like, I'm a baby to take care of. Yes. Oh, what a nice fella. Oh, yeah, he's the best. Literally, less than two weeks after he leaves. His first wife sends me a picture of him with this girl who could be my sister looks exactly like me. Okay, so this is the other weird thing. Wife number one, wife number two, myself, and this new girl.

I mean, like, if you put us in a lineup, he has a type. He has a type. Like, it's creepy. And so literally less than two weeks after I kick him out, she is posting pictures on Facebook with him in it. Two weeks. Talking about, oh, oh, it gets better. Talking about new job, new man.

Like, life is so great, blah, blah, blah. So then we start, like, digging and find out that they have been dating since June. And this was when? Two months, this was in August. So like two months before I even kicked him out, they started dating. Oh, no. I mean, I'm not surprised. Yeah.

No, I mean, not surprised at all. But like to this day, and I mean, when I say this day, I mean like today, I'm still finding out things about him and like lies and stuff that he told. Specifically about like him cheating. But so this is where I get. A little bit of payback. Oh, wait. How long have you all been broken up as of right now? I kicked him out.

It was two years ago in August. And you're still funny. Okay, where's your payback? Okay. Yes. Okay. So, yeah, so this is fun. Happy anniversary, by the way.

Yeah, right. Thank you. It really was. On the day, I was like, oh, my God, remember. This is fun. Okay. So, X-wife number one and two,

make a group, chat and we call it the X-wives club. Ah! But what they decide we're going to do is we're all going to write up kind of just a brief synopsis of our lives with him and we are going to send it to this one who appears wonderful young lady, okay? Oh no. So she has a kid.

She seems like a relatively normal person and we're like, I'm like, guys, I can't. Exactly. I'm like, I can't, I can't let this happen again. I can't. I will not be able to sleep at night. So we write everything up and send it to her. So she reads it immediately and she doesn't respond right away. And we're like, she's processing. She's processing. She's processing. She's not going to believe us. Right. So she writes back and she's like, hi ladies, I did read all this. I'm just exactly. I'm just processing like, give me a little bit. And then, I mean, I think it was less than two hours later. We get a message back from her, right? And it's a picture of all of his stuff in a pile outside of his work. And underneath, she writes, running as fast as I can. Thanks, ladies. Oh, my God.

Were you like, do you want to get drinks? Literally. Like, this girl is awesome. Do you know if she knew he was in a relationship with you when she started doing it? She did not know. She did not. Nope, nope, nope. Interesting.

He told her that we had been separated for a while. We were going through divorce and I wouldn't let him see his son. I've heard that before. I know. Crazy, right? Oh, my. Wow. Is your son thriving?

Does he seem like he's doing okay? Yes, he's doing fantastic. Good. Yeah, he's doing great. I'm just really happy for you that you and your son are together that you had a son? Like, I'm holding that one. I'm holding on to that one little bright spot in the story that as awful as this guy was. It's a huge bright spot.

It honestly is. As much as this whole situation was just terrible, like, I really think I'd probably do it all over again. Of course, for that baby, for your kids. Yeah. Even covered in bronzer. He's just like, come on. He's covered in bronze. Right?

No, we need a bath. No, we've been there. Hashtag one mom. Yes Boy, mom's you name So tell us about Are you in a dating situation What's your dating life?

Like not even a little bit She's like Hell, he said no Nope I know So people keep asking me They're like don't we think you're ready And it's like it has nothing to do with being ready

I don't want to No desire right Honestly I am so content For the first time in a long time That's amazing I just like I love hanging out with this kid like we he's like my little buddy yeah and doing the mama life yeah and like he's high maintenance I think more people need to hear that like contentment in your situation is so yeah and it's okay not to be dating if you if you want to be single and just feel like that's fine right I can do whatever

I want to do I don't have to you know it's just nice it really is it's I just like it I love that. I'm so happy for you. And you look really happy. I also just really quick want to go back to the lying about the military stuff. And just to reiterate that we absolutely honor and respect our veterans and, you know, our servicemen and women. But this guy is when you lie about it, like, yes, he signed up. He went into the basic training, which is a big deal. And there are real cases of this, you know, this discharge situation. But I just, this guy is like, he's holding on to it. Like he really did these great big things. And there are men and women who died actually doing those things. And that's what bothers me. That's the most infuriating part. If I'm like completely honest, it's the lying about the military thing.

Especially because it was such a big part of his person. And like even to this day, like on his social media, he has combat veteran. Oh my God. Are you serious? Shut up. That's disrespectful. Absolutely. Disrespectful.

It is, right? It's so disrespectful. I'm like, oh, my God. He wants that honor. He wants to be honored and respected as someone who did something really amazing and victimized and courageous. Yep. And I bet in some ways he believes his own lies.

Like, you live them long enough. I was about to say, I wonder if he actually, like, believes that because he went to basic training, he's like a war veteran. Sometimes I kind of think he does. I mean, think about it. If you lie that. much and you say the same lie over and over and over again, I mean, maybe eventually you just start to believe it. Yeah, that makes sense. But anyways, thank you so much for being on the show

and sharing your story. It was so nice to meet you. Yeah, thank you so much for happening. This is fun. I really hope that some people can hear this and just, it's my fault and also run. Just run. If there are flags, run. Well then. I really do love her. She is just, she's so relatable. Such a light. Yeah, she really is. And especially to me when she was talking about how like she, you know, she grew up the big girl and I grew up. I was the ugly fat girl growing up. Like that's, that's just what I knew. Like I just wasn't the pretty girl. And so, you know, that's all they could say was that I was fat. And so whenever you get that your whole life and then

you have a guy who says, oh, you're so beautiful. You're so this, you're taking those little crumbs and you're holding on to them and that becomes something that's like, like that love bombing that she experienced. She was like, oh, that's everything I've ever wanted to hear. And so I totally, I related to that 100%. It's so true. I mean, women are just held to such a standards. And when you don't meet that standard, it's so easy to feel invisible. And I hate that it's so easy to take advantage of that. Also, like, I know there's the risk of being like fetishized. for things like that in the dating world. Absolutely.

I just think, yeah, I'm so grateful that she shared and that you share any of those experiences because it's so common. And to hear how she was like so worried to put herself out there and then have this happen, like really breaks my heart. Also, she talked a lot about mental health and postpartum depression.

And that hasn't come up as much and supporting a partner through that. Obviously, he did not. support his partner through that. He is a clear example of what not to do and weaponizing her antidepressants. Yes. Can you, are you joking? So like, postpartum depression is a real thing. And that is something that I think, well, obviously no men can relate. Like men can't understand that. But if there's, as long as we're talking about it, we need to bring awareness to that too. Because that is, that's kind of a big deal. Like, you know, postpartum depression is real.

and it can really affect your relationship. But this fella, he's out of control. I can't with me. Well, and we know that the pattern of all the women he was with. Can we talk about their ex-wives club? Oh, yeah. Dude, the ex-wives club is legit. I was like, oh, my gosh.

But I really think that, like, them, I understand. And I think she understands, too, why the first two wives didn't tell her all the details. But when it was in her hands, she was like, uh, we got to say something. I'm very curious. Because I actually don't think there's one right way to handle that. Because I think there's a world in which if you've been through trauma, betrayal trauma with someone, it is okay to protect yourself if maybe you can't put yourself in the position of

staying. Like there are so many people who are like, I just need to move on and getting involved with their new partner or their new relationship. It would be harmful to me. Like I totally think there's a world in just needing to move on. But I also love the idea of helping the next girl, helping everybody. as much as we can. So I'm just curious what people would do

if they found themselves in that situation or what they have done. Tips, support, you know. Yeah. You guys, okay, so that's a really good, that's a really good question for our social media. So I want to know from you guys and on our Patreon,

you can talk about our Patreon, are on our socials. What would you do in that situation? Because if she, if she decides that she wants to tell the next girl because she's really close to the situation, right? So the next girl's like right away. But what happens years down the road?

Like as she starts to become more distant from this relationship, like, obviously it's not her, you know, it's not her responsibility anymore. Especially if it puts her in harm's way. Would you say anything? Yeah. Yeah. And obviously, the first wife had a daughter with this guy. So she doesn't, you know, she's got to kind of tread a little more lightly and be more careful. You said the first wife and I was like, oh yeah, there's the secret second wife and so many people involved in this awful little. I don't get it. But anyways, we would love to hear your feedback on today's episode. We want to hear all the things. So make sure that you're following us on socials and connect with us because I really, really, really, really want to know what you guys are doing in the situation and any other

feedback you have. We're on Instagram and TikTok and Facebook at Dating Detectives Podcast. You can email us. It's investigate at datingdetectivpod.com. Or you can just DM us. It's fine. Like, we don't care. Do whatever.

we'll get it to you. Also, reminder about the Patreon, link in the description of this episode if you're interested. Yeah, it's only $5 a month and we really, really appreciate everyone who's already signed up for Patreon. Thank you for your support. And

when you sign up for Patreon, you are basically supporting us and it creates more opportunity for us to create even more content for you guys. So we really, really appreciate that bit of support that you showed to us. We love all of you. Thank you. so much for listening.

And thanks for listening, you guys. We hope you have a wonderful day. Go check out the bonus episode on the Patreon. And as always, trust your Fentuation. Mm-hmm. Bye, McKenzie. Bye.