The Dating Detectives - The Life Hopper

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

The Dating Detectives hear the story of a dogfish who is unlike any other dogfish we have seen before! The Dating Detectives is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/tdd today to get 10% off your first month. Join our Patreon! https://patreon.com/TheDatingDetectives?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=join_link Instagram & Tik Tok - @DatingDetectivesPodcast Facebook - The Dating Detectives Podcast Mackenzie's Socials - @Freedom_Barbie Hanna's Socials - @HannaAndergram ***The following Program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following Program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-723 for support. Aiding Detectives is sponsored by BetterHelp. Trusting your Femt tuition can be very hard. It takes practice. We know this. But one amazing way to practice is in therapy.

And you can do that so easily with BetterHelp. BetterHelp is entirely online and it's like convenient, flexible, and it can work with your schedule. So when I first started using BetterHelp, it was about, God, it must have been like three years ago, maybe longer. It was after a breakup. What a time. Anyway, I was like, feeling good, but it was a big time of transition.

And I remember just wanting a little extra support from somebody outside of the situation. And I hadn't been in therapy for a little bit. And I think I honestly just reached out without a ton of expectations. And it just was so easy to get into therapy. That was the biggest thing. I think I was having trouble with my schedule. I didn't want to, like, go have a session with somebody in person that it wasn't a fit. and I'd have to do that a lot.

I think finding a therapist could be like job interviews. Like sometimes you really have to put a lot more effort into finding the right fit when you're really not in the best place of your life. So this made it really easy to go through their, for lack of a better word, catalog of therapists and find not only one that worked with my schedule, but that seemed to fit the specialties that I was going through specifically in life changes, relationship changes, finding myself on my own. I also really loved that I could communicate with them more than just during sessions.

You can text with them. And I didn't have a boyfriend to text anymore. So I was like, might as well text a therapist. And it was really, really a great experience. So we have an awesome offer for people who listen to the daily detectives. And a lot of the stuff we talk about is tough. So no matter what you've been through, I know we've all been through something. You deserve to help yourself.

And, hey, you can get better help. with BetterHelp. I didn't plan that. Where's McKenzie? She's here to stop me when things like this happened. Anyway, let Therapy be your map with BetterHelp. And you can visit BetterHelp.com slash TDD today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash T-D-D, you know, for the dating detectives.

for 10% of your first month. How are we just? Stop. Okay, okay. Ready? Okay. Straight face. Straight face. Three, two, one.

You guys, Hannah and I are having a morning recording. We just had to say hello to each other like six times because we don't know how to talk this morning. But hi, we're here. Hi, Hannah. It's so good to see you. You guys, I'm so excited for today's episode. We have a really good guest today.

Oh, yeah. Let's get through our announcements. first order of business so that we can get into the story. We do have some exciting announcements. First being that our merch is finally out. It's live for our Patreoners today. So if you're a Patreon subscriber, you will get the we've posted the password to the website page.

That's very confusing the way I just said that. Basically, it's live on our website. There's a password to access the page, which is on Patreon. And then everyone else, you'll have access on Wednesday. It'll be open to the general public. So don't worry. But Patreon does get first access. Yeah.

So as we promised, when you sign up the $5 a month for when you subscribe for Patreon, you do get early access to merch. And like Hannah said, you will. And also, oh, don't forget, the first 100 subscribers to Patreon, you have a 20% off coupon in your email. And the merch is so cute. Guys, I'm so freaking excited. There's going to be a lot of options. And then we tried to make it really user-friendly and shoppable. We hope you go nuts and have so much fun with it because I know I'm about to be loaded down.

Yeah. Also, it's all over Instagram. So go check out the styles that we are modeling for you because we have to be models for this. I mean, this will do what we can for the dating detectives. And if modeling is required, we'll do our best. I mean, I guess so. But you guys have to remember, like, this is exciting for us because this is really new for us. And it's been a long time coming.

We've been, we launched our first episode like, what, in April? So it's been several months. It feels like it's been forever, like a long time because we've just, we've grown in such a short period of time. Oh, and also, so this merch drop, you guys, is just one. Like, if there's going to be other merch drops, I feel fancy saying merch drop. Like, we're cool. But anyways, this is only one.

So make sure you let us know what you want to see in the next merch drop. Anything that you want. Like, we want to make sure you guys get what you want with the dating detective logo or just whatever you want to see on merch. please comment and let us know and we'll do our best to make it happen for you because what you guys want is really important to us. And we didn't, yeah, a lot of you have sent awesome ideas that we are still going to make. We just haven't gotten to everything yet, but we want to hear it.

So let us know, comment on Instagram, DM us. So Wednesday, Wednesday will be the drop for everyone else. So excited. So yeah, so we've been working on that, working on so much. Molly, our producer, has been working so hard and is amazing. And that said, next week, we are going to take. a week off of dropping an episode on Monday. And we're really sorry and we're going to miss you, but it's only because we need a little break. To be honest with you, my family and I, we're taking

my mom to Vegas for her birthday. And yeah, we're going that week. And so we really, really appreciate you being gracious and patient with us. But that's what I have a lot going on on that particular week. So it won't be an episode on Monday. But we will always come back, as we always do, promise. Don't be mad. Also, there will be an episode on Patreon that day. Oh, yeah, yeah. People who subscribe to Patreon will still get an app, a little episode. But yes, one week of rest and recovery, and then we'll be back. Yeah, and also on our social media or wherever you can, make sure that you post the best things to do in Vegas. Oh, I got you, girl. My family's there, and I want you to go hang out with my mom. Remember, I told you that?

Yeah, I love her. We go get drinks with Heidi. Oh, Heidi wants to meet you so bad. So fun. All right. Should we get to the story? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, wait, we have to tell them about the story.

So we have a guest. Her name is Sarah. But Sarah told us a wild story that I don't know that we should tease too much. But this dude is a new type of dogfish. I think we haven't had somebody that was this specifically. I don't even want to say it. I don't want to spoil it. Should I say something similar? I'll just say, Sarah came on to tell us her story.

Okay, let's get into it. I'm so excited. Let's get into it. Let's meet Sarah. Let's do it. Are you ready to jump in? Let's hear from Sarah. Let's hear from Sarah. Take it away. Hi. Well, hello. Thank you for having me. My story is kind of wild. So I'll start with saying that I'm 45 years old. I was single for several years by choice. I spent a lot of time investing in my life, investing in my career, saving up money. I bought a little house that I love and I just was taking the time to focus on myself. I had gained a lot of weight and I mean a lot of weight over time. So I think the next step in my journey was like,

you know, I've gotten my career right. I've got my house right. I feel peaceful. I'm going to lose the weight that I need to lose. So I ended up losing like about 150 pounds. Wow. So that was really hard. I did it just all by diet and exercise. So I was feeling really, really good about life and feeling really good about myself. So I thought the next step, you know, of course, when you start to feel cute, you know, I was like, okay, maybe I'll start dating.

Maybe I'll just kind of put myself out there, you know. So I decided to try online dating. So I started with Facebook dating, and that was kind of daunting, but I just, I kind of jumped in their head first. And the first person that I met and the first person that I talked to was the person that we're speaking of. And we hit it off. We hit it off like we were best friends. Like we never missed a beat that we have known each other for years. It was really, really awesome.

He lived in about a four-hour drive. So we spent a lot of time actually every weekend. I would go there. He would come here and we just spent all this time commuting and getting to know each other. And honestly, we would talk on the phone for hours and hours. And it was just constant. There wasn't really a moment in my life that he wasn't in it, even though he wasn't physically here. So we got to know each other as what I thought pretty well.

and things were like, you know, hot and heavy because I'm like right out of the gate. Like I haven't dated in forever and I'm feeling cute. Yeah. So I'm kind of really, really excited, probably too excited because it's just been a while. So we started talking about him moving because the commute had just, is just tiring. You work all week and then every other weekend you're going to see somebody and it just, it was exhausting. So we talked about him moving and he did. How long were you all together at that point?

Four months. So we were excited. It was just, I was excited. It felt so perfect. I felt like he was my soulmate. We wanted to build a life together. We wanted to just take over the world and we had such a good energy together. We would go out.

Like I imagine, you know, when you're 150 pounds heavier, I was. had a lot of social anxiety, so I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to go to a restaurant. I didn't want to go to a bar. And now I'm feeling like, oh, I got new clothes. I'm going to go out. So we were like going out to eat and dancing and having fun. And it was just this ball of energy, if you can imagine it. So it was really fun for me, like my coming out. But then also, I've got this guy that just felt like it's destiny. Like he was meant to be with me. I was meant to be with him and here we are. So a little about his personality, it's important because when you meet him, he's like larger than life. He's Puerto Rican, Bronx, Italian. Like, just imagine

this loud guy out of the gate and people gravitate to him. Like, he came into my life and we were talking about building a business together. We were talking about all the fun things we're going to do and traveling and so on and so forth. So my family was really excited, not really excited about me dating, but then when they met him, they embraced him with open arms and really loved him, which I thought was really, really sweet. And that says a lot because I have a very small Italian family. My mom's 80 years old, a little Italian lady. It takes, you know, she'll either love you or cut you or feed you or. I love her. Who knows? Yeah. So, but they embrace him and it was really welcoming and warming. They just really, truly, because I'd done so good in my life, they just really

wanted me to be happy. And he fit right in. I mean, he fits along with anybody that meets him. I mean, everybody loves him. So I moved him in when we just started building our lives together. Did it feel too fast or there was no part of you or no one in your world who was like, wow, this is happening really fast. It sounds like it was all working. It was working. And I just went into it with a leap of faith because for so long I had had shitty relationships. And I was like, you know what? I'm 45. I'm not going to bring this baggage that I've carried into a new relationship.

Because I could, in essence, it would just fail because of my baggage. So I just decided, you know what? I'm just going to jump in, like jump off the cliff. Give him my trust. This is all hindsight 2020, but could have done so much better. But just gave him my trust. gave him my trust, moved him in, and I'm like, you know what, I deserve something good. So this is going to be my good.

This is going to be my moment. This is going to be finally. I've got everything. I've got good energy. I'm attracting good energy. And it's going to be great. I had a great job. And he got a job working with me.

So we brought him in. And it was just this great working relationship. Everybody loved him. Everybody thought he was fantastic. And I mean, literally, they're like, this is a breath of fresh air. best guy on our team, best, I'm telling you everybody just was captivated by him. Oh, man, he should run for office or something. It's like that. You know, just knows how to work a room. Oh, yeah. Carisma. Yes, he does. Well said. Exactly right. So we were together that he had

worked with me for one year. For one year, things were great. Things were happy at home. We never argued. It was really, really great. And there were a few red flags. Like, when I went to visit his daughter for Thanksgiving, we were just having a little chat on the back porch. She's about 21. And she was talking about all different things. And we were talking about astrological signs and whatnot. And she was talking about how her dad's a Gemini. Let's just leave that there.

But anyway. No offense to any Gemini. We love Gemini. We love you. But she said, like, kind of out of the side. of her mouth, she was describing his personality in the context of like astrological signs. And she said, and you know, my dad does lie. And before I could say anything, it's almost like she knew I was going to speak. She goes, my dad lies. I know he lies. I've caught him in several lies. And then she just

segued and kept talking and moving on. But that was definitely. And I remember sitting on that way. Oh, boy. What? So like that was weird, but everything else was going so well that I brushed stuff like that off time until at about the one year mark, everything came to a halt when he was lifting something there at the job and he injured himself. He was in pain right under his rib, and I took him to the emergency room to get checked at, maybe do like, I don't know what they do, like an MRI or whatever they do. Now, the pain medicine that they were giving him causes nausea. So they preemptively gave him zofram, which is a, frequently pumped, like pushed, excuse me, frequently pushed drug in the IV to combat nausea.

So no problem. The moment that they did that, his, he started, like, seizing. He couldn't breathe. All of the blood from, like, he's coughing up frothy sputum is what they call it. It's like this pink grossness. He almost stopped breathing. He was not with us. And he looked like he was dying, honestly.

The moment they pushed it. Oh, my God. Yeah, his lungs filled with fluid. He was awful. So, of course, they called whatever code they call and all the ER doctors came rushing in. And they were trying to comprehend what they were seeing because they're like, wait, you pushed Zofran? Zofram is as commonly pushed from my understanding as they told me as Tylenol. It's very, very common for nausea.

So they've just never seen anything like it. They were trying to process, like, what is going on with this guy? Like, what, is it, is it the injury? Is it the Zophran? Is it something else? Is he just going in cardiac arrest? They were just doing their emergency stuff trying to figure it out. It was just really weird.

Zofran is a super common drug. So I took it when I was pregnant for nausea. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The ER doctors said they've never seen it, never, like never heard of it, never seen it. They got him stable. It was just really weird, but he was in the ICU for two years. days and he rebounded really, really quickly and they attributed everything to a zoephran allergy.

And it was just a really scary, devastating time. So he was out of work for a week and a half, two weeks. I was at home taking care of him. And then he, like I said, rebounded quickly, a little bit of pain. But that is really after that injury, everything started to degrade and get completely different in our life. The energy that he had, that he had, a pep in his step, not because of the injury, but he just started getting like down and slow and not motivated. He was the guy that, you know, you'd need a picture hung and he'd be like, where's the drill? You know, like, that's, but now he wouldn't move. He didn't do a lot. And then the next minute he'd be like up and ready to go do something. It was just like moody, mood swings. And it was like, and then he,

and then he ended up not liking the job that he originally came to do with me at our current employment that we shared. So he quit that job. He came in, all of a sudden, said he put in his two weeks notice, and then he was done with that, and he found another job. So that was really like, okay, well, he's just not happy. He's going to go find another job. The job that he loved was all of a sudden just not great anymore. But after he left that job and started a new one, it didn't seem to make him any happier. He was just, basically, he was spiraling down. And it was like a shell of a person. He wasn't the person that I knew anymore. And I did what I think a lot of women do is, like, we're nurturers. So I wanted, and I would do this for anybody anyway, like anybody, my daughter,

a friend, a coworker, you know, you're hurting. So what do we need to do to get you happy again? Hey, let's go to the gym. Hey, let's exercise. Let's walk. Let's find something you're passionate about and do it. So I was always trying to just help him be happy. And he just, he had changed. He had changed. And I would, of course, like women, I'm like, are we okay? Are we good? Is everything okay with us? Oh, yeah, babe. No, everything's great. Don't even worry about it. And I would ask a lot, not a lot, but enough. I'm like, are you sure? And I remember one time it's stuck in my head. He's like, listen, if there's anything wrong with us, I'm going to tell you, you can stop asking me that. Everything's great. It's nothing to do with us. I'm like, okay, I got it, heard, received,

understood no no big deal got it so there was this is over like four months he had just maybe three months just that unraveling of himself so one day this is in march he came home and he opened the front door i was working from home and he looked really disshuffled and he sat down and was like i need to talk to you he said i really i really just been nothing made sense he said i i've just been really thinking I miss my family and I just want to go be with my my dad he needs my help I just I really miss everybody I feel like my dad's getting older he needs my help he's just not all there he's just you know he's 75 he's just not thinking as clearly and da da da da da da da and not one of those in that conversation never did it mention me and I was like looking at him like what what are you talking

about are you saying that you want to visit like go visit your dad take off a month and go help him or do you want to move? And he's like, well, I don't know. I'm thinking about moving. And that, we didn't argue. This is the second argument we've ever had. And I actually was like yelling. I was like, you bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Do not sit here and tell me that you want to go and help your dad. Nobody does that. If you wanted to go because you miss your family, you could have bought one single plane ticket in the last year. His dad was fine. His dad lives in like a million dollar house, live in his best light, had his wherewithal, everything was fine. So nothing made sense to me. And I called him to the carpet on it. I was like, this is bullshit.

Look, if you're going to sit here and tell me this, be a man and say, hey, I'm not happy. I'm leaving. This would suck. It would hurt. I would be devastated. But we're having an adult conversation. You know, if that's how you feel. And he said, no, no, that's not it. So I said, well, then am I coming with you? He goes, yeah, of course. Of course you're coming, babe. of course you're coming. And I'm like, you never mentioned me during this entire conversation. I can't just leave my job, my business that I've started. I can't just leave my family and go with you. What are you even talking about? So when I raised my voice, which I never did, and I went off on him and kind of handed him his ass, he looked, and I remember this long pause for like 10 seconds. He was calculating. And he goes, you know what, babe, you're right. I wasn't even thinking. I just was really nervous, got off the phone with my dad.

dad. I'm just a little nervous, you know, I'm just a little, you know, missing my dad a little bit. I'm missing my family. So it's good. I love you, babe. I said, what are you talking about? You just sat here and laid all this on me. And now you're saying that you're just, you were wrong and you're backtracking it. And it just doesn't make any sense to me. He did his cute little smile that he does. And he scooted over to and walked over to my couch and sat next to me. And he's like, he just did this cute face that he knew he could do to get away with stuff. And he's like, do you still love. me and he gave me a kiss. He's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was going to my husband. Right. He did it to me and it worked. It did work. So I accepted what he said when he came over and gave me a kiss. I wasn't completely there with it, but I felt like my heart just was ripped

out of my stomach. So I was just, I take a moment to process things. And I was just going along, like everything was okay. We just proceeded with our errands. and dinner for the night. And I was... Wait, did he then say, like, just kidding, just kidding, cancel that. I'm not going?

Yeah, he basically is like, yeah, no, you're right. I'll just buy a plane ticket, like you said, and I'll go visit them. I don't need to go be down there. I was just freaked out when I was talking to my dad.

He just didn't sound right. And I just got all in my head. So I'm just... Okay. Yeah, I just, it's... I spoke too fast, basically, what he was saying, which didn't make sense.

But I had to take a moment to process it. So we just continued around our, about our day. It was just a little bit easier for me to do that mentally as I'm still processing everything in the background. And we went to bed and that's when I'm sitting with my thought. So I sent him a text message while I was in bed that said something to the effect of, I feel like you backpedaled when you saw that I was upset.

If you really want to go and be with your, you know, and move and leave, then by all means do that. don't just stay because you feel guilty if that's really what you want to do. And then basically, in essence, I was like saying we can discuss this more further at another time. Because I was just processing it and I had to put it in the text. So then I had an event that I had to work the next day in the evening. So he was at work all day. I went to the event in the evening. So we did not cross paths.

The next day, I went to go visit my daughter in another state for the weekend in my grandbaby. And I thought this was the perfect timing to give him a few days to himself, to breathe, to figure out what's going on with himself. Because when we left the conversation, I basically said, hey, you need to figure out what's going on with you. I've been just holding your hand too much. Maybe you just need me to let go. You just figure this out on your own.

I was going anyway. This is already prearranged to go see my family. So just use this time to just take a deep breath and figure out what makes you happy again, figure out what you need to do, what, you know, without me in your ear. Just, just do that. So I spent a great weekend with my family and it was great. I mean, it was just a wonderful time. We went hiking. It was awesome. So during that time, I had talked to him every night and he had said, you know, once a day, just once a day check in. Normally we talk all the time, but I just wanted to give him some space. So we talked in the evening, very casual conversation. How was your day? And he even

ended the call with I love you. Okay, great. So then I know that I'm returning on Sunday. So Saturday evening, I do our evening call because I hadn't heard from him. We've been hiking, so I didn't have any signal. So I called him, and he answered the phone, and he said, very callously, this is when everything changes. He said, what's up, babe?

And I went, like, I didn't even know it was talking to. I went, wait, what do you mean? What's up with you? How are you? And he said, I thought we were over. And I said, wait, what do you mean you thought we were over? And he starts talking about like, like, I just thought we were done. I thought we were done.

And he kept rambling. So I said, again, my instinct told me that he was gone. And I was like, did you leave? And he said, I did. I said, wait a minute. What? You left. So, yeah.

And you'd been talking every night, like casually? Like normal? Casually like normal. And he never mentioned anything until this moment. So I threw him on speaker and let my daughter listen and let her listen to the call without him knowing. We've been on the phone for two minutes. And I said, what is wrong? Why are you leaving?

What's going on? He's like, you know, things just haven't been right for a while. And I said, things haven't been right with you. We've been fine. We're great. What are you talking about? And he just sounded like, I mean, I'm telling you, he sounded like a different person. I didn't even recognize him. There was no joy. It was just

this cold-hearted. Like somebody was holding him hostage and he had to like an app. Yeah, like an absolute stranger. Ever since the Zofran incident, right? Yes. Yes. This is this is six months after. What? And so ever since the Zophran and then fast forward six months and he's just acting all funny. Yeah, he's acting all funny. And then he told me that he left. I was out of town. So my daughter looks at me and says, she just, she heard the voice and she just looked at me and mouth, just, just hang up. He doesn't care. Just hang up. He doesn't care. And I, and I did. And we were only on the phone for good four or five minutes. That's it. And I, it was wonderful advice because it was like, I honestly did not know the person I was on the

other end of the line with. So I just, we hung up. So, Of course, as you can imagine, I felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me, and I was devastated. And thank God I was with family. And I was crying and just left with so many questions. All I could do was like just change the passwords to every account that I had. Because I didn't know if he was going to like rob me blind or who was this person, right? So I was leaving the next day anyway.

And I'm driving down the interstate and I don't know what I'm going to come home to. I don't know if he's destroyed my house. I don't know if he has robbed me blind. I don't know anything. I'm just terrified because I don't know what he's done to my house, if anything, when I get back. It was so scary. So I opened the front door and there's a key sitting on the counter. And when I tell you that this man left everything that he owned, he left, listen to this, he left everything he owned.

He took one dresser of clothes, excuse me, one cloth. Excuse me, one closet of clothes. In the curing machine. He left a shed full. I know. That is funny, but it's not. He left thousands of dollars worth of tools, like a man in his tools. He left everything.

Oh, not my husband. He would have been, he left his clothes. Yes. Well, not any normal. McKenzie does not understand why he brought a curing machine because McKenzie and coffee don't mix. I'm so gross. McKinsey's like, burn the curing. Burn the cure.

So he just took his clothes and the curing and left? Yeah. He left thousands of dollars worth of tools. He didn't take a dress or full of you know how guys have shirts? Like you collect shirts at every concert you've been to, every everything. He left at least 100 T-shirts. He left baby pictures. He left memorabilia.

He left his world. He left everything. But at least he's clothed, I guess. I guess. I was there a part of you and I know that obviously you're on our podcast so I have a Femituition sneaking suspicion that this man is not what he seems. You don't say. His mental health had been so up and down and then all of a sudden this happened so abruptly

and he leaves like was there like I'm my gut would just be like oh no I'm thinking the worst right now. Oh yeah. Oh, I was. Did you go through that? Well, honestly, no. I did not feel any compassion for whether he was okay or not. I honestly did not. That's all right. I was, yeah, I was thinking more like, this is crazy. At least if you, I mean, he left the flat

screen. He left everything, his furniture. He left everything. So it was more of like the added-on mystery because if you look at it, you're like, this is not right. Like, this is crazy. Because he had the whole weekend. He could have gotten a moving truck. He could have done any. anything. So my mind is blown. So after the fact, this is where the story gets very, very interesting. I am left with a household full of his items and I am left with unraveling a mystery of what just happened. I have not heard from him. I will not call him. You know, at that time, that was my mindset. What am I going to get? I'm not going to be the girl that calls his phone and get an answer that you're never going to get. Yeah. Exactly. So I immediately went to like

combat mode and I sold all the shit in the shed because I kind of get so I go into pan. Yeah, because to me, I mean, I've had a lot of stuff happen to me in my life. So when really bad stuff happens, I just kick into high gear and I slay it. So like I cleaned out everything. I have everything all over Facebook marketplace selling it. Because if you leave your, your key, you left your property. Like, if you didn't leave your key, maybe, but you left a key and you said you were not returning. Therefore, this is my items, right? Yep, absolutely. So I'm, yeah, I'm cleaning up the house. I'm navigating all this and I'm trying to process what's happening. So I am in through all of this, able to break into his Indeed account. I'm able to

break into his Gmail. And I, by break in, she means that he left. it open willingly on her devices. Mm-hmm. Yes. So I am able to access. Let me correct myself. I am able to access his information on the computer because he saved his password. So if I log on to Gmail, your email pops up.

And you all had access to each other's stuff anyway because it sounds like you both had each other's lives. So upon that, I had, I found out that he'd been appointed. for jobs in another city for two months. What? I found out that... Premeditated. Yeah.

The whole... Let me just talk to you about the amount of lies that you have to tell in two months. I can't even... I can't even imagine. We had conversations about the future, plans. Maybe I'll leave my job. I recall the night before or a couple nights before I left. We sat in the van.

and he was talking about what would he do if he quit his job? Like, what would happen? What are plans? Turns out, I called his boss. He had already put his notice in. Oh, my God. That Wednesday, after he had the conversation with me, the next day when I had my event, he had already put in his notice, said he was leaving,

then had conversations with me about, I might quit my job, I might stay. This guy's backwards. Yes. And then I saw the moment that he left, he brought. blocked my entire family on social media. He blocked everybody. He didn't want to see. He didn't want to be traced. He didn't want to be found. Now, this is a family that has embraced him and loved him. And he then contacted me. My phone rang one week later. And I answered it because why not? Looking back, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have answered it. But I kind of, I wanted to

note, I just wanted an answer still. I can't imagine not. I wasn't in this. I wasn't in this place of healing he was going on yeah yeah exactly so the phone he as as soon as i answered that i said hello he said so you're just never going to talk to me again oh yeah it's on you it was like i was in the problem yeah like i was in the twilight zone i'm sorry it was it was just yeah i'm sorry what what you just abandoned your life and your clothes and your belongings and disappeared like a thief in the night and i'm not And it's, it was just mind-blowing. Is he on drugs? That's what I'm like, what is he on?

Hold on. We're on to something. So it makes absolutely no sense to me. And he said, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. Like, I've never done anything like this in my life before. And I said, I find that very, very hard to believe that a 45-year-old man. Yeah, is, has never. Exactly. And again, that was just a three or four minute conversation. I didn't want to. There wasn't

anything to talk about. Like, what do you talk about? It was very, very strange. But after that call, I just kept digging because I needed to know why. Like, why did he do this? So I was able to find him on social media. He changed his last name to something else, like a nickname he had from his childhood. And the way I was able to access it was finding an old message. She sent me a messenger because messenger doesn't delete conversations. I sure don't. I sure don't. Yeah.

So it showed me the name change on which he had done. Therefore, I was able to create a fake Facebook account. We love a burner. We love a burner. And so I was able to, with the information in the Facebook messenger, see the new name change and go online and locate him. through a imaginary Facebook page that I had created. And on that Facebook page, I saw that he had a new girlfriend. And then he was, how soon after?

And the date is three weeks. What? Oh, my God. Yeah. Three weeks later, she was comfortable enough sharing his truck ad online in which he was trying to sell it, saying, hey, could you help us sell this? So to me, to me, do I know that he was cheating on me before he left? I do not.

Does one in one make two? It does. Oh, my Lord. It makes sense that in three weeks, if somebody is already comfortable enough to post your personal stuff on their Facebook page, it shows me that there is a comfort level that you could have not achieved in three weeks. Yeah. So, I mean, it don't take a rocket surgeon. Yeah, that's right. Right.

Is this girl in the new state with him now? Correct. Yep. That's why he wanted to move back that bastard. My dad needs me. Right, right. So the crazy part of the story, too, is that as I'm investigating my, my, putting the pieces together in my head, I spoke to my neighbor. My, okay, I live in a good neighborhood and ain't the best neighborhood.

And my neighbor across the state. may happen to be able to partake in the purchasing of illegal drugs. So he did confide in me that he had been buying cocaine from him. Ew. Yes. So that's why he is like so up and down and up and down. And also one plus one is two, the zoephram. I will tell you this about Zofram.

I am not a medical doctor. I'm just going to tell you the facts about Zofran are this. So what we're saying is that it's possible that when he, when he got hurt at work and went to the hospital and they put him on the Zofran, the Zofran acted, counteracted those, or did something with the cocaine. So during our initial dating phase before he moved here, he did disclose to me that he had a felony and that he was in jail and incarcerated for three years. Everything he said added up to me. I did look at us. It was for trafficking cocaine, and he had a couple charges.

So he said when he got out of prison in 2007 that he changed his life and that he was just doing better. And he was never going to go back to that life anymore. And I ran a background check at the time. So I could see that everything that he said added up. And in 2007, there were no other charges. There wasn't anything else after the fact. So it's 20, 21 at the time. And I'm like, okay, we've all made mistakes.

Change man, that's like 15 years ago. So that, to me, is a very, very big red flag. I can look back at everything now and see a lot of things happening. For example, he mentioned, you know, when you're in a relationship, you always talk about your exes. And you always say they're crazy, you know, a lot of people will say that they're crazy or whatnot. Yep. Red flag. Yeah.

So what I found out. was he would be in a relationship for a couple years or a year and a half to two years, just like me. He would be in another state, leave that person, go to another state, change the last name on his Facebook to a different name. What? And then start over. So he was like a life hopper.

Wait, how did you find that out? He would go from one person to the next. I during our dating period he would tell me about relationships that he had been in for you know that I had been in a relationship with a girl and we started our own business together we were building a life together we were doing everything that we were doing and then he would give me one reason or another why they didn't work out why he left and I didn't connect the dots looking back I should have but I didn't connect the dots that that was like a pattern until it happened to me. And then I was able to reflect on his relationships and say, oh my God, he did the same thing to me that he did with everybody else. So he had been in North Carolina with one girl. Same thing. Started a business, did this, yada, yada, gets them all pumped up. And then gone to Florida, done the same thing, et cetera, et cetera. I remember one story from his ex that he told me was that she showed up on his doorstep one.

day just pissed and yelling and, you know, she was crazy. She was this. And I'm sitting here thinking, if I had known where he was, I would have been that crazy bitch on the other end of the door. You know? Usually two sides of that story. So I didn't connect that the idea that he was a life hopper until it happened to me. And then I was able to reflect on all the stories that he gave me and put it all together and just see this pattern with him. I just wanted so. I just wanted so, wholeheartedly to love this guy and to create a different future for myself and maybe just really have something. I thought I deserved it at this point with all the great things I had done in my life. And it allowed me to, you know, ignore and glaze over things that are so obvious now and weren't

obvious at the time because I just went in with my heart first. Was there any love bombing? Like when you when you hooked up with him, was there any love bombing like the constant like reassurances and the your beautifuls and all that? Like was there any? Yes. Looking back, that's a really important point. One thing that I have learned from this is that, you know, time is really the teller of all things. It's not normal to talk to somebody and be on the phone with them all the time in your ear. Like we would talk. I would go exercise and walk and you talk and in the mornings and the after. You know, on my lunch breaks. It was constant. It was just constant. I had an air pod in and he'd just be in my ear talking to me. And it was like we were on the phone 24-7 on us. It was easy. It was the easiest conversations I've ever had with somebody I just met. But that's not normal. Relationships should progress over time and get to know somebody. It's like a false intimacy. It's like a false intimacy. relationships are grown and they're not this big explosion where it's just that's a really good point because I've actually been guilty of that where you meet somebody and they say all these great

things and you want to spend all of your time with them like it just feels so good it's like a high right is that how you felt it's like a high yeah oh yeah it was like being on cloud nine it was like you can't get enough isolated yeah I went and I'm a I'm kind of an introvert in a lot of ways anyway, unless it's the right person that I share my life with friendship or whatever the case may be. So for me, he just came in and I was like, oh, wow, this is great. You know, like I'm not lonely that's got this person, you know, that is just a best friend. And it just felt so good. And it was like a euphoria. It was like just the best feeling in the world. And that's my takeaway. Things are grown.

Things are not an explosion of love, an explosion. You know, it's great to connect with somebody immediately. That's awesome. If you have that connection, fantastic. But let it grow. You don't talk all day every day. Let them. That's such a good point.

So many people, so many women especially, or I guess people in new relationships, like they need to hear that. People starting businesses need to hear that. Like, that's a good life lesson. Like, that's my takeaway. I like that a lot. You're absolutely right. Because if I had taken it slow, I would have seen, I would have, honestly, I would have seen it.

But I was just so jumped in. And I think, you know, I just have a really big heart. So I just wanted to be loved and I wanted to love. And I just jumped in it with that energy. And I look back at it and there were red flags. I look back. and I remember a couple times that I had cried. I don't remember what they were about,

but I do remember being very sad and crying about something and looking for some sort of empathy or compassion in some way. And I remember him staring at me blankly, just staring at me and not having any reciprocation of emotion or not knowing what to say.

And I remember thinking, this is so weird. Like anything he could just give me a hug or a pat on the back, nothing. So I can look back and I think a word that we, I think we diagnose people as a society because it's all over the internet and talking like a narcissist. And it helps us understand and feel like we have control. Totally. Right.

Because there's so much of this story that I can't understand and I can't control. But we say the word narcissists. We say the word sociopath. We say all of these things. So of course I did my research. And I'm thinking, you know, he's a lot of sociopathic tendencies, just the inability to connect, the love from empathy, the lacking of empathy that just, I'm not going to go down the whole list, but it makes a lot of sense when I'm stepping out of it.

That's interesting. Well, in hindsight is always 2020. Mm-hmm. The stories that he told me about a thrill, honestly. When you meet somebody, you're filled with endorphins and you're excited and you're going and you're trying new things and it's a new city and new experiences. And then, you know, and then normal life happens. You're starting a business. You get tired. You're working. You're late night. He literally had a drop. Yeah. Right? Because he was like all of a sudden top of the world. Yep. And I wasn't able to give him like, I mean, I was a wonderful girlfriend. I can honestly say because I truly gave him my all. But I wasn't, it still was normal life. Good for you. Hell yeah, you were. No, I was good. But like, I, normal life happened. I can't prevent that from happening. You know, I normal life happened. And I think he just seeks the thrill and went from city to city life hopping, place to place. And so he can get that elation that the,

the new girlfriend looking at you, thinking you're great, you know, and just that whole everything. It's really sad. been since he left and y'all have yeah how long ago was this uh six months this was six months ago wow does it still feel really fresh are you still like kind of butt hurt about it like are you still like really upset no i'm so much better so this was kind of this podcast was my is my like finale firework like that's why i see the right when i hang up this podcast good for you it is like turning over a new leaf. And you know, I found, like, I had, like, a bunch of his old shirts. I don't know why I was holding on there in, like, my back closet. I never see him. They are sitting by my front door.

Oh, you love the guy. Well, they're sitting by my front door now. So the moment that we're finished, I'm going to go throw them in the trash. Burn pile. Burn, can we come? I want to come. We're having a bonfire tonight. That's amazing. I'm so glad. I'm so glad that you are, How are you as far as like dating and getting back into the dating world, where do you stand right now with that? So I tried to put my toe back into it and it was really disheartening. Yeah. And then I just pulled the toe right back out. Well, six months is not a long time.

No. And I'm just focused on my business and my family and my life. And if somebody like organically will come into my life, great. but that is that's that's it i don't blame you no for now and that might change later but like at least you're at least you're at least you're at least you're at a place where you're okay with like not just not having a relationship right now and be like you know what my business is rolling this is what we're doing and that's where that's where you know where your focus is i love it thank you so much for thank you guys so much for coming on we're it's so nice to meet you guys thank you guys it's

so nice meeting you this has been so fun i am going to go burn his clothes now. Burn him. Dude. Oh, man. I still, I feel like I still have questions, but like, really? I don't know. I guess I, I don't know.

The Zofran threw me off. Oh, I know. Well, we, so we want our listeners to know. So we heard this story and have since dug a little bit into some of the topics that came up. So specifically, like, sociopathic behavior. and psychopathic behavior because it was interesting that she like kind of diagnosed him as that, which we can't, we can't do. But like, I wanted to learn more about it because his behavior was really hard. Like I didn't understand how someone can just convince your whole family and like be perfect.

Your grandma, like everybody's like, I love this fella. Well, let's talk about that first. So like, how can someone get away with it? Imagine being with someone that everyone in your your family just adores. What do you do? Yeah, well, also it kind of like, I feel like it hurts your, like that fintuition that you have. And then when everybody likes this person, it's like, God, I guess I'm wrong. Like, I guess I'm just, you know, I guess I'm just thinking the wrong like this, I'm just wrong, I guess. Yeah. And especially when it's people you love and trust. And so this guy knew how to do it. He knew how to be a charmer. And he had charisma and was able to probably work everyone. in her life, including her.

Well, then how do you lie straight to someone's face? And then when you hear their response, you're like, or you tell them the, you tell them to their face, like what you're going to do. And then you hear their response. They're like, oh, never mind. Just kidding. Like, it's fine. Just kidding.

I mean, that's why. How do you do that? So can I tell you what I looked up? So I've always gotten them confused. I'm sure everybody does psychopath for sociopath. This is kind of what the Google machine broke down for me. And I'm sure there are listeners who are bigger. experts, but let's like go through them because there's a different brain going on here. So

psychopaths lack guilt, remorse and empathy. They pretend to feel. They cannot form true emotional attachments and they can be very manipulative and have a lot of superficial charm. And then sociopaths sometimes feel guilt and empathy, but they lack remorse. They can be more like reckless and aggressive and they can lie and be more volatile and quick to anger. So we are not medical professionals. We cannot diagnose him at all. But we are the freaking dating detectives and it don't take a freaking rocket surgeon to figure out this dude's maybe probably a little mental and mentally unstable. Yeah. So what we do is we can look at his behavior and observe that and learn from that and try to make our own little because how much, how often are we trying to label

things to help us understand them. Like you deal with the person like that and it's just you're out of control because they're not functioning in the way that we function. Like yeah, it's just how so yeah. So, yeah, so the one big thing that she talked about was he was always seeking like a thrill, a dopamine rush. And then I guess it's very common with sociopaths that when they do not have that thrill anymore and they get bored, it's really easy for them to switch off and just kind of shut down. maybe leave the situation to seek out something else. So in this case... That's switching off, though.

That's a real thing, right? Isn't switching off? Like, that's a real thing that we learned from the Google machine. Not because we're doctors, because we're doctors. Because we're sleuth. But it said something about switching. Because that's what we do. We investigate, duh.

We detectivate. So, yeah, it's... That's beautiful. Thank you. It did say something about, like, switching off. And that's exactly what he was doing. How? It's crazy.

So, do you think at the hospital visit, when it started, to not be fun anymore. And he, like, his potential drug use interfered with his health significantly. And he was not sharing that part of him. So he was living a lie. And I'm not saying that, like, drug use and addiction is something we have a lot of empathy for and understand that it's very nuanced in case by case.

In this case, we're not saying he's, like, a bad person because he was an addict. But he was obviously deceiving her and everyone. I mean, he had, he was cheating, you know, he was like, I just can't believe he was operating so nonchalantly creating different lives. You can just, it's come on. And the pattern. Like, she looked at his past relationships, all of his quote unquote crazy exes. He'd been with them about the same amount of time.

That's why a lot of our red flags, when we talk about red flags, people talk about when they say their ex, when they constantly say their ex is crazy. It's always a red flag. Nope. How do you operate if you're with somebody like this who is so good at manipulating you and to believe that they are who they say they are? Yeah, it's wild to me. But I'm really glad that she was able to tell her story. And just like with every other guest we've ever had, I truly believe that there is another woman out there or another person out there who relates to that story and feels less alone. And that's why I really like that we're able to share these stories. So make sure you

keep sharing your stories with us, you guys, because there's a lot of people who could probably really benefit from them, learn something from them, or just feel less alone. So make sure you're sending those over to us at investigate at datingdetectivepod.com. I love that Sarah said that after she was sharing her story with us, she was going to go, like, throw out the last of his clothes, it'd be done with it. Like this was kind of thing. Yeah, it was like a final closure for her. Good for her.

And it's real. You need a place to vent. Oh, man, venting is my hobby. I just want to talk to girlies about life all the time. Oh, I have a question about something she mentioned. Like early on, that wasn't a huge part of her story, but it made me think I kind of want to pull the audience. So she said that in the beginning of their relationship, in the first couple months, it moved

quite quickly. And she said they never fought. And the first time they fought was like over a year in. And that's why it was very dramatic for her because they had never, ever fought. And I flagged it because I was like, is that a red flag? Do you think in the early stages of relationship, never fighting, never having any healthy conflict, is that normal for people in a honeymoon stage? Like at what point is that a red flag?

So I think that, well, this is twofold, right? So one part is that if it seems too good to be true, it usually is, right? Yeah. So it's like if you're never fighting, this person is manipulative. to make sure that, like, you're, you're happy and they want to, you know, for whatever reason. They're trying to just please you. Yeah. Like, it's a constant stage of like, oh, we want to make sure you're happy.

And it's like, why? Like, what do you want for me, right? Like, why are you so afraid to, like, fight with me or whatever? But also, I've been with my husband over seven years and we've never fought about literally anything. You've never disagreed. You've disagreed before. I mean, I mean, we disagree. But, like, it's so, he's just so silly about it.

And I'm just so silly about it. And we're, it just, we just never, like, there's never a fight. Like, you never like, if we disagree, he's like, whatever he's like, whatever you want, babe. And I'm like, thank you, babe. And that's just like, I'm his princess. Like, that's, I just, he just gives me what I want because happy wife, happy life. He's always been like that. But he was never a red flag.

Like he's still to this thing. And like, I never, I guess I never thought about it, though, because I was like, oh, well, we never fight. And I thought, I was like, how come he never once? Like, I would try to pick a fight? And he would just be like, okay, baby, I love you. And he'd buy me flowers. And I'm like, what?

Like, there was never, ever, ever a fight. And I was like, why won't he fight with me? Like, that's really weird. And then I just realized it's just not his temperament. He doesn't care. Everybody has a different fighting. I think also, like, we all define fighting differently. Everyone has different fighting styles.

Well, it depends on the story, too. Like, it depends on the rest of the story. Like, the rest of the story went to shit. So, like, yeah, like, now we know that was a red flag. But, like, if it goes well, like, for instance, me and my husband and still, like, we just don't fight. Like, we busts it one another, but it's always silly. Like, it's never, and I think that's just our personalities. It's a really good question, though. I'd love to, I would really love to pull the audience, though. We're going to put that on our social for sure.

Just a thought. Just a little thought in the noggin. We're getting very thoughtful and deep, you guys. We need to hear from you. You have to let us know what you think. These women, they think too much. We really do. We talk too much. We think too much. Anyways, yeah, send us your stories. Let us know if we can share your story on our podcast. Make sure you sign up for the Patreon. Because today and tomorrow, you'll have access to the merch before anybody else does. And then everybody else will get the merch on Wednesday. The Patreon's only $5 a month.

And we, 100%, like we just, I can't tell you guys enough how much we appreciate your love and support. And make sure you follow us and share us on your Instagrams. Yeah. And for everyone else, we'll be back in two weeks with our regularly scheduled programming. And we've got some good programming coming up. I'm excited. Yeah, so next Monday there will be a Patreon.

There just won't be a regular episode. So this might be a great time to sign up for Patreon or you can wait the two weeks and then I'll be back from Vegas. Oh, can't wait to follow along on your Vegas trip. I know. It's going to be so fun. Anyways, we love you guys so much. Thank you again for listening. And as always, trust your fan to wish it.

Bye, McKenzie. Bye.