The Debaters - 1815: Coins vs. Bills & Anxiety is Your Friend

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

DeAnne Smith and David Pryde’s jokes are in mint condition when they go head-to-head on coins versus bills. Then, Tracy Hamilton and Kyle Brownrigg get on each other’s nerves when they discuss if anxiety is your friend.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us,

and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb too since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms and honestly we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,

that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. This is a CBC Podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters.

And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, we're going to make you laugh come hill or high water. From the home of Parliament Hill, Ottawa, Ontario. It's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's always hilarious, Steve... Patterson. Hey! Thanks, Graham Clark! Hello, Canada, and welcome back to The Debaters. We're here in our nation's capital, Ottawa, a place where it seems people are endlessly running for office.

Speaking of which, your current mayor, Mark Sutcliffe, regularly runs marathons. True story. The most recent one he ran was in Berlin, and Berlin is a great city to run a marathon in because runners never hit the wall. Mayor Sutcliffe has actually completed 40 marathons since 2004, which sounds impressive, but if me chasing my four-year-old daughter around the house counts, I've run almost 40 marathons this month alone. So there, Mr. Mayor. Time now to meet two debaters that we know you'll love in the long run.

This comic likes to lounge in their lazy boy and listen to Ein Rekleiner nach Musik. It's Deanne Smith everybody! Deanne Smith! There's Deanne, my friend, and one of our favorites. And this comic thinks a documentary about Ringo Starr should be called Drum and Drummer. It's Montreal's David Pryde. David Pryde. Your topic is one that hopes to change your mind. Coins. Are they superior to bills now I have to remain neutral on this but you

might be here in the audience thinking who still uses coins and bills these days boomer because you bought your tickets online and paid for parking using an app. Well first of all I'm Gen X so shut up! Secondly, I'd like to remind you that we are heard on CBC radio. Huh? And that demographic is still slipping $2 bills inside every birthday card. Time now for a debate that we think will be on the money. So, whereas they're more durable, harder to counterfeit, and easier to use, be it resolved, coins are superior to bills.

Deanne, you're arguing for this please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Deanne Smith. We all know that coins are the currency of magic, whimsy, and wishes. Bills? Bills even sound negative. Bills remind me of the electric bill, the gas bill, and my dad, Bill Smith. When I asked him for help with this, he said, how does a cereal pay its bills? With checks. Exactly. Bills are overrated and not that useful.

Coins are fun! Coins are used in slot machines, the laundromat, wishing wells. You can't wish on a bill. Try staring into the steely eyes of Queen Elizabeth II and wishing for anything other than the monarchy to confront its violent colonial past. The queen doesn't care about your happiness, but the loon, the caribou, and especially the beaver,

they want your dreams to come true. Coins are the currency of the little guy. We're living through an obscene inequality crisis with wealth concentrated in the hands of a powerful few. Us little guys need a world where coins still mean something, even if it's just tossing one into a fountain and wishing for Elon Musk to take a one-way trip to Mars. How about the phrase, a penny for your thoughts?

Sure, it's now a nickel minimum, but still. Without coins, what's the alternative? Five dollars for your thoughts! That's aggressive. That sounds like it's going to involve a contract, lawyers, and an NDA. My thoughts aren't worth $5. Right now, I'm just thinking about how weird it is that people still get married,

like, knowing the statistics. How does anyone get married knowing there's a 50-50 chance we're all living in a simulation and none of this is real? Baffling. Anyway... We need coins. And only rich guys in suits. My opponent is wearing a suit.

Think we don't. Thank you. Deanne Smith with a logical and I would argue also romantic argument on behalf of coins. Now, here to tell us why there's a reason they're called billionaires, not coin-ionaires, let's hear from the comedy rich, David Pride. Thank you.

Coins, they're the Shawshank inmates of legal tender, looking to tunnel through pocket linings and wallets to escape to freedom. Car seats, sofas, anywhere you sit down is an opportunity for the shiny little fugitive bastards to make a break for it. I was late for a job interview once, and as soon as I broke into a jog to get to my appointment on time, I could hear it.

I could just hear this faint little... Yeah, that's right. Dislodged coins rioting in my pants. Yeah, I just ignored it until I got to the interview and I walked in and I sat down, plopped down in the chair. All over the floor, I looked like an idiot. And that casino did not hire me. Hire me.

Bills are light, they're portable, and they're pretty. You know, they have actual faces on them, not profiles like coins do. Like, why is Queen Elizabeth facing sideways like she's getting a mug shot for drunken disorderly? Come on. You need a portrait, right? You know, if kids could not see Sir John A. Macdonald's full features,

how would they know what statues to pull down? You know, cashiers at the supermarket have many reasons to look sad. But I don't know if you noticed, they look especially sad when they run out of change and they're forced to reach for the roll of coins and just burst it, burst it open like a dead fly's stomach-birthing maggots. Disgusting. And it's sad.

You mentioned slot machines. Yeah, you notice no jackpot winner at the slots ever decides to forego the cashier's cage, right? To exchange the money. No one's ever like, nah, I'm good hauling this bucket. No, you switch to bills, right? Because that flat screen TV that you're eyeing isn't in a vending machine.

With every new dollar coin that Canada comes up with, you notice that the country always goes nuts trying to, oh, what should we name it? What should we, oh, we had the loonie, but trying to... Oh, what should we name it? What should we... Oh, we had the loonie, but this is twice as much. Let's call it a toonie. Wow. Yeah, you know that we're just setting ourselves up for a $5 Mulrooney.

Yeah, yeah. We don't want... Try flipping that sucker. Like, call it in the air, chins or tails. Thank you. David Pride, the Pride of Montreal, and it's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round.

We're debating whether coins are superior to bills. So the dime has come to start bullying your opponent. Bullying. Look it up. Start bullying your opponent until they're down on their two knees. Give your opponent no quarter because, to coin a phrase, fortune favors the brave. So what the buck are you two waiting for? Show me the funny now!

Yeah, Deanne, you mentioned wishing wells, and that's just another obvious example. People just desperate to unload these coins, right? No one believes that wishes are going to come true unless you're wishing to poison fish with zinc poisoning. Why are you dumping coins where fish are, first of all? I'm not. Okay.

A genuinely good point, though, David, I think, is that coins are better for people with visual impairments. They're easier to distinguish by touch. With bills, I mean, if you're handling bills, you kind of don't know if it's a bill, if it's monopoly money, if it's, like, a small subpoena. It could be anything. It could be anything. Okay. First of all,

you said you wouldn't mention the small subpoenas. Tell me. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. That's my bad. You shouldn't have showed me the small cigarines.

Oh. Woo, indeed. But, yeah. No, I guess, I guess, but the thing is, the coins, if you're feeling them by touch, they don't make any sense, because they're all, why is 5 cents bigger than 10 cents? And why is 10 cents the exact size of a Toronto subway token?

I don't know. I don't know. We could decide this right now. Should we just flip a coin? Oh, that's the fair enough for round, everybody. Oh, Deanne with a late knockout. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on coins versus bills brought to you by the American healthcare system. The American healthcare system. If you want a clean bill of health, it will cost you a pretty penny. Yeah, that was better than you guys gave it credit for,

but that's all right. MoneySmartGuides.com says the top three places to find spare change are in couch cushions, in the pockets of old clothes, and where else? David Pryde. Behind your ear. Oh, that brings me back. Three points. Deanne Smith.

Apparently riding in David's pants. If you've just tuned in... we're debating coins versus bills. Don't forget to mention the small subpoena if they've just tuned in. And the answer is under the bed. According to the Bank of Canada's Advisory Council, the shortlisted candidates to be featured on the next $5 bill are all universally known Canadian icons who have done what?

David Pryde. Rolled up the rim to win. There it is. Three points. Three-point answer, David. The shortlisted candidates to be featured on the next $5 bill all made a positive impact and changed Canada for the better. And we also would have accepted,

look good when their faces are blue. In 1987, when the Canadian government replaced the $1 bill with a coin, the original design was not a loon, but a voyageur and a guide in a canoe. Why was it changed? Deanne. Because canoe-y sounds silly. Deanne. The audience has given you two and a half points for that.

David Pryde. I hear it was changed because the loon was aggressively pushed as a candidate by foreign interference. I thought this town would appreciate that a little more. I'm giving you a point. That was good. Those that got it really got it. This is one of the most fascinating real answers we've ever had. Truly the Canadian government replaced the one dollar bill with a coin. The original design was changed because the master

dies used to stamp the coins were lost in transit on their way from Ottawa to Winnipeg. Somebody lost them and they're like, alright, we gotta do something else then. That's the firing line, everybody. We are getting tantalizingly close to that time when the audience votes for the winner here at the beautiful Centerpoint Theatre in Ottawa. But first, here again to tell us why, for him, paper money gets top billing. Let's hear from the pride of Montreal, David Pride.

Thank you. Bills are like a promissory note. Isn't that nice? How often do you get a note promising better times ahead? Bills are saying, hey, I promise you can afford a Mars bar. Coins can't make that promise. Not in this economy, unless it's a dollar store Mars bar, but a dollar store Mars bar is called a meteor.

Yeah, because it's rock hard and can kill a dinosaur. Even modern coins are just garbage, right? What are the coins we hear about today? Bitcoin, Dogecoin. People can't unload this crap fast enough in the last couple years. And also, you notice that we name specific coins when we want to conjure up sad things, right? Drawn and quartered.

Loony bin. Nickelback. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. A penny for your thoughts. If one of those thoughts is that coins are good, I think a penny is too much. But here, go ahead, take it, and keep the change. Thank you.

David Pryde says, down with the coins. Now, here to tell us why when they go shopping with coins, they're always weighed down with a full metal jacket, let's hear again from Deanne Smith. Coins are ancient. They're easy. The only place where coins complicate things is in the strip club.

That's the real reason you're pushing for this, isn't it? So you can tuck money into G-strings. Mr. Chris Bills, they call him. Down at the old strip club. Honestly, I respect it. I did comedy at a strip club once, and they were very accommodating. Right before I went on stage, the manager startled, and he said, Oh, I gotta go adjust the lights. We're not used to focusing on faces.

Until we replace capitalism with a transformative vision for a sustainable future, coins are better than bills. They're water-res resistant and fireproof. And we're going to need that where we're headed. Thank you. Deanne Smith

with an interesting angle. Audience, it is up to you to decide who wins this weighty debate. By applause, who spare changed their minds about coins after they heard Deanne, Deanne Smith? All right. And who folded and bought what David was selling about bills? David Pride. All right.

Quotes. Good representation on both sides, but obviously it's the wheeling and dealing people of Ottawa that have gone with the higher currency. The winner is bills and David Pride. Big hand for David Pride and De'Aaron Smith, everybody. You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1. Want to be a part of the debating action?

For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. Visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch, like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare. Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers too. If we hosted on Airbnb, it just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars and those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Something to prepend on and on.

My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus. And being I'm losing my vision has been hard, but explaining it to other people has been harder. Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short-sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities.

Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now. Hey Ottawa, I have just one question for you. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters! This comic joined a 24-hour gym but cancelled her membership after only one day. It's Toronto's Tracy Hamilton! Come on out, Tracy! Her first debate with us! Taking her place behind the podium

to my left. And this comedian didn't understand revolving doors until someone walked him through it. It's Ottawa's own Kyle Brownrigg! Come on up, Kyle! There he is! Hometown hero, Kyle Brownrigg, taking his place at the podium to my right.

Your topic is one that we're all anxious to start. Anxiety. Is it your friend? This is a topical but sensitive subject, and some of you may be feeling anxious right now. So let's take a deep, relaxing breath together as one. Here we go. Ready? Deep breath in. Hold it. And exhale. One more deep breath in. A little more. One more sip. A little more time. One more. You got room, hold it. Hold it. And exhale. All right, now you're all so lightheaded, everything will be twice as funny.

It's time now for a debate that we think and hope will be a breath of fresh air. So, whereas it makes us aware of risks, motivates us to take action, and helps us to be prepared for any scenario, be it resolved, anxiety is your friend. Tracy, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Tracy Hamilton. I have anxiety, and I totally have friends also. And let me tell you, anxiety is the best friend you could ask for. All right?

This guy's got every quality that we value in friendship. His whole thing is having your back. Who else is going to remind you to double check that you turned off the stuff? Who else is going to help you dissect all of your text messages? Who else is going to help you figure out if everyone is secretly mad at you?

And who else is going to tell you if this is relatable or if this is too many rhetorical questions in a row? Only a best friend would stay up with me until 3 a.m., speculating about that time that I went in for a hug with Kyle and he gave me kind of a confused look as he hugged me back. Or reminiscing about the time that I was on a date

and I asked the guy if he prefers animals with fur or without. Anxiety is a friend that motivates you. That guy at the gym running full speed on the treadmill, well typing work emails on his phone, listening to a Jordan Peterson podcast, that guy is fueled by anxiety. And possibly cocaine.

And together, they're getting stuff done. Anxiety is the most reliable friend I have ever had. Everywhere I go, there he is, reminding me that I'm talking too much. Anytime you have to order at a Starbucks, every meeting, every work presentation, he is there for you. My anxiety is even here to watch me perform this debate.

And most importantly, anxiety would never talk behind your back. He says it all right to your face. Tracy Hamilton, everybody! Yeah! Thank you, Tracy. Off to a good start. Now, here to tell us why he refuses to experience anxiety, so much so that even the gum he chews is carefree.

It's Ottawa's Kyle Brownring! Anxiety is my friend? Yeah, I've never had to use Pepto-Bismol because of my friend. Anxiety is not your friend. A friend is somebody that you send messages to complaining about Kyler, the coworker that everybody hates. Anxiety is when you accidentally send

one of those messages to Kyler. Anxiety will just make you feel guilt and fear of the consequences, but your friend, your friend will comfort you and just be like, honestly, Kyler needed to hear it, if not just for the fact that his name is stupid. I feel like I'm an expert on this subject, you know? I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder,

panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, not to brag. And I am currently not on any medication. I'm free range. And do you know what makes my life unbearable at times? My anxiety. You know what doesn't make it unbearable? Xanax. Xanax.

Xanax is your friend. A friend is someone that you drink wine with and watch reality TV shows with, right? Xanax can be that friend. And for anybody in the audience being like, okay, Kyle, alcohol mixes with medication. Uh, yeah, beautifully. If anxiety is your friend, then it's that really annoying one that doesn't leave you alone, you know?

Like that cousin that you don't really like, but you have to tolerate them because they're part of your family, so they're part of you no matter what. And all they do is remind you of stupid things that you said whenever you were a teenager and show everybody pictures of ugly emo haircuts that you used to photograph and put on MySpace

that I never took down that you don't need to Google. Anxiety is not your friend. You invite your friends to parties. Anxiety just shows up uninvited, stresses you out, gives everybody worry lines and irritable bowel syndrome. That's not a friend. That's just gross. Thank you.

Kyle Bramrick says, anxiety is not your friend and neither is Kyler. It's time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether anxiety is your friend. So please court us all with your wit and charm. Look, I can't stress this enough. If you counsel your points to the audience, you'll be sure to break through.

Let your verbal fight take flight, starting now. Just to be clear, to clear things up, the reason why I gave you that really weird look whenever you went in for a hug is because you super confidently introduced me on stage as Carl. Look, we're all learning things today, Carl-Kyle, okay? We're learning together. You said that you think that Xanax is your friend,

but anxiety is not. Who do you think introduced you, Kyle? I'm not sure what her name was, but she was working at the counter at La Farmacia in Mexico, so... All right, that's a good place to call it. That's the Bare Knuckle Round. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on anxiety

brought to you by the simple Australian cure for anxiousness. No worries, mate. Here are the questions. Choosingtherapy.com says some benefits to anxiety may include an increase in empathy, higher motivation to succeed, and what else? Kyle? A natural laxative.

Very... A very classy way to put that. Tracey? The ability to make someone mad at you just by repeatedly asking them if they're mad at you. All right. Those who know, know. Increased in empathy, higher motivation to succeed, and improved skills for avoiding problems.

I have not found that to be true. AnxietyCanada.com says, the two most frequent barriers to treatment for anxiety disorders are money and what else? Tracey. The crushing weight of being alive. I mean, it's not right, but I don't want to upset you. My rope is very thin. Kyle Brownrigg.

Finding a friendly drug dealer. I have a theme going on, can you tell? Vanier, you know what's up. The two most frequent barriers to treatment for anxiety disorders are money and stigma. Stigma, which could be a drug in itself. A CBC News article from August, 2023 says, "'Anxiety in young people people today is increasingly caused by what? Tracy?

Helping our parents use the computer. That really riled up one third of this audience. I basically wrote the same thing. I said, our parents' social media accounts. Yeah. All right. You guys get... It's got to be the right answer. Yeah. The actual answer is climate change. I like your answer better.

That's the firing line, everybody. We are debating whether anxiety can be your friend. I'm the debater. And it's almost time for our scintillating Centerpoint Theatre audience to pick a winner. But first, here again to tell us why he's proud to be a charter member of the Joy Luck Club. Let's welcome again Ottawa's Kyle Brownrigg. About two years ago, I actually decided that I was gonna be completely sober. I was gonna give up drugs and alcohol, and I did.

I went on that whole journey because my anxiety was unbearable. If you ever go through a journey like that, I recommend going to therapy. I went to my therapist. He blamed everything on my parents. It was great. Um... Recommend. So I did six months of bone-dry sobriety,

and at the end of those six months, you know what I realized? I still had horrible anxiety, and I was like, oh, thank God. I thought I had to give up drugs and alcohol. Wow. You guys, I almost lost my best friend. Anxiety is not your friend.

Anxiety is something that happens when you spend an hour trying to pick out an emoji, you know? That's stupid. So, my last statement that I'm going to say to you tonight, my closing words, is that you'll find me at the bar. I'll be holding my best friend. Thank you. Kyle Brown, Rick!

Now, here again to tell us why she's blessed to be stressed, which is our words, not hers, but it's catchy. Let's hear again from Tracy Hamilton. APPLAUSE Anxiety is absolutely your friend. In my case, a family friend. My mom introduced us. LAUGHTER I'm not here to argue that anxiety isn't annoying, okay?

We all have annoying friends. We all have a friend who's really nosy and won't stop talking, right? And I do consider you a friend, Kyle. I really do. But anxiety isn't hanging around for no reason. He's here because he's useful. All right? Anxiety has literally been hardwired into us by evolution.

Would you argue that opposable thumbs are not your friend? Anxiety is the thumb of the brain. Who has two thumbs and was anxious that thumb bit was too weird? This gal. What do you value in a friend? Honesty, quality time together, a shared interest in conspiracy theories?

Anxiety has it all. So I want you to ask yourself one final question. Are you mad at me? Thank you. Tracy Hamilton, ladies and gentlemen. With an endearing and I think very effective argument on behalf of Anxiety. And I don't know how good an actor you are, Tracy,

because that does not seem made up. Well done. Audience, it is up to you, Ottawa, to pick a winner by applause. How many of you developed an anxious attachment to everything that Tracy had to say? Tracy Hamilton. Tracy Hamilton.

Listen to that crowd, Canada. Wow. Okay. And how many of you are friendly with Kyle's argument about unfriending anxiety? Kyle Brown, Ray. It's close, but I've got to give this one to Tracy Hamilton. Anxiety is your friend. Big hand for Tracy Hamilton and Kyle Brownrigg, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying if anxiety is your friend, please remember to talk to other friends too. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada.

Good night! The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. Canada. Good night! This has been a production by James Perella and Conrad Hijazi. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Meridian Theatres in Ottawa. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.