The Debaters - 1822: Vancouver No Fun City & Be Yourself

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Graham Clark and Katie-Ellen Humphries have a Van-do attitude when they decide if Vancouver is a no fun city. Then, should you always be yourself? Mikey Dubs and Simon King outdo themselves with this personal patter.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Something to prepend on and on. This is a CBC podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash the debaters. And thanks for listening to the CBC. Hey Canada, we're taking a deep dive into comedy from the home of Deep Cove in North Vancouver, BC. It's The Debaters!

The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's never out of his depth, Steve Patterson. Hey! Hello Canada! Thanks Graham Clark! Welcome back to The Debaters, and we're back in our favourite city, Vancouver. Vancouver! A city where the discussion of expensive real estate is a common conversation. The most expensive of all the homes here is an ocean view mansion in the swanky Point

Gray area owned by Lululemon Yoga Wear's controversial founder, Chip Wilson. It was recently appraised at a market value of over $74 million. That yoga king really knows how to stretch a dollar, I guess. You know, I've never met Chip myself, but from what I've heard, he's a bit of a downward dog. So I don't think I'll ever namaste there myself. Even if he asked me to, I'd politely say, Shavasana, thanks, Chip. But if he sells his place, his neighbors may be happy

to have Chip off the old block. Now, are you ready to meet two debaters who have huge curbside appeal? What do you say? Vancouver! Vancouver! This comic says that trying to find a good dentist is like pulling teeth.

It's Vancouver's Graham Clark! Come on out here, Graham! Hello, my friend. It's Graham, everyone. Hi, Steve. Hi, buddy. And this comic thinks running a casino is a bit of a gamble. It's Victoria's Katie Ellen Humphries.

Let's welcome back Katie Ellen. Hi. Hi Katie Ellen. Hello. Welcome back. Your topic is a fun one. Vancouver, is it a no fun city? I feel like this is a safe debate to have here in the city of North Van.

Because you guys are not the same as the city of Vancouver. And you're way more fun, right? Yeah! I had a heck of a fun time walking that 67 degree incline up from the Lonsdale Quay there. That was so much fun. And it's such a hoot trying to figure out why key is spelt with a Q. There are fun things that your Vancouver friends would know if your Vancouver friends ever came to North Van. But those two bridges

that cross the water are like force fields that have kept people estranged for years. So now it's time for a debate that will all be in good fun. Whereas it's a city with gloomy weather, non-existent nightlife, and unaffordable prices. Be it resolved that Vancouver is a no-fun city. Graham? Yes? You're arguing for this, my friend. You have two minutes, starting now. Graham Clark.

Okay. Hi. I've lived in Vancouver for 20 years, and none of them have been fun. Vancouver goes by many names. The Wet Apple... Unaffordable-opolis... and No Fun City. Luckily for this show, it's not No Pun City,

because I'd have to call the cops on a certain someone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Vancouver. I love it. The same way I love a grandparent who's, don't get me wrong. I love Vancouver. I love it the same way I love a grandparent who's dozed off mid-story. Only in Vancouver is the 24-hour restaurant Denny's closed at 11. Only in Vancouver would a hike called the Grouse Grind be considered fun.

Yes, let's all grouse about grinding, shall we? When a show called Riverdale was shot here in Vancouver, the star said in an interview that Vancouver is kind of boring. We did it, everyone! We're only kind of boring! Woo! We are so desperate for fun that we voted in a mayor who, true story, shotgunned a beer in front of the press. Even I wouldn't do that. How about you shotgun me an affordable house, mayor?

Now, I will admit, there is one day in Vancouver that is fun. It's the most fun out of the whole country. The day that what happens? You guys are a bunch of criminals, that's all. No, it's when it snows. Oh, ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Just watching people ram their Teslas into one another. Oh, ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Just watching people ram their Teslas into one another.

Vancouver is more boring than watching paint dry, which you can't even do here because it's too wet. I have to go because it's almost eight o'clock and that's last call here. Thank you. Graham Clark, everyone. Arguing that Vancouver is a no-fun city and getting some nice response from the crowd.

You brought up watching the Teslas crash when it snows. Once in a while, there's a Lamborghini in there, hey? Isn't that fun when one comes out of nowhere? Vrr, vrr, vrr. Now, here to tell us why she calls this city Fun-couver, let's hear from the person who knows fun, Katie Ellen Humphries. The argument that Vancouver is a no-fun city

is a complete failure of imagination. For instance, Vancouver is the online dating capital of the world. Which at first I was surprised by, but then I lived here a while, and I was like, nah, checks out. No one has spoken to me in days. But the prevalence of online dating

can be fun for anyone, because it means any time that you are in a Vancouver cafe, bar, restaurant, roller rink, whatever. There is a person waiting for a stranger to potentially love. The fun thing to do whenever you see that is to rush over all out of breath.

I do not have time to explain. I'm your child from the future. This date really works out, but only if you pay this tab. Drop your bill and jet. Yeah. Fun. Vancouver has Western Canada's only nude beach, where not only can you enjoy a day by the sea, you can meet a draft dodger who's been strolling the shores since 71 and is the answer to the question, what if a leather satchel came to life... ...and knew a lot about ketamine.

Fun! Vancouver, I ask you, who decided that nightlife was so important? You ever see the smile on the face of someone over 27 when they crawl into bed? Vancouver has an early-morning scene. Parking is free. The smoothie bar is packed with hotties. And if you're cool, you can make friends with a coyote.

Yeah. Cool, you can make friends with a coyote. It costs a ton, barely gets sun. Couple times when Canucks hadn't won, civil society became undone. Sometimes in a city, as in this rhyme that's so dumb, you gotta make your own fun, hun. Thank you. Ah! J.D. Allen Humphries.

Oh yeah. A fun opening argument on behalf of Vancouver being fun. It is time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating if Vancouver is a no fun city. So whether your answer is a hard yes or a quetzalano, it's time to bleak off. Convince us Vancouver's a real gas town or else a cool harbor.

And if you find yourself lacking commercial drive. Keep it up, man, you're doing it. You can join the Cactus Club. Let's Shauna see what you've got, starting now. Here's how boring it is here. This audience tonight paid money to watch a show they can listen to for free. Buddy. You mentioned that Denny's closes at 11,

which, first of all, very reasonable. Everybody needs to close their doors once in a while. But we do have one Denny's, as I know you are well aware, on Davie that stays open 24 hours. And for just $5 in their jukebox, you can get seven consecutive plays of Rock Lobster. What? You can get seven consecutive plays of Rock Lobster. Fun! So that was you! Vancouver's not even the funnest place called Vancouver.

It's true, there's a Vancouver in Washington, and it's home to the oldest tree in Washington. Now that's fun. All right, that's the bare knuckle round, I think, everybody. We brought the trees into it. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions

on No Fun Vancouver, brought to you by Chilliwack, B.C. Chilliwack! A city that used to be fun, but those days are gone, gone, gone. They've been gone so long. Gone, gone, gone. They've been gone for a long time. According to Time Out Vancouver, the phrase No fun city was coined in the year 2000 by an organizer of Vancouver's annual fireworks exhibition. Who was upset over what? Katie Allen.

Nobody liked his pitch to call the event Y2Yay. I like that. That's pretty fun. One point. Graham Clark. He was upset that Chip Wilson called him fat. An organizer of Vancouver's annual fireworks was upset that the city prevented a tobacco company from sponsoring the event. Benson and Hedges, wasn't it?

It was Benson and Hedges, Celebration of Life. Oh, the smoothness of Benson and Hedges, wasn't it? It was Benson and Hedges, Celebration of Life. Oh, the smoothness of Benson and Hedges. Light him if you got him is a pretty good slogan for a fireworks festival. That is good. That is good. I like it. According to Tourscanner.com, a few of the most fun things to do in Vancouver

are walk on the Capilano Suspension Bridge, visit the Beattie Biodiversity Museum, and what else? Graham? Go to that one dine-in pizza hut on Grandview Highway. You know what I'm talking about? There's only one left. It's just down the street from Sleep Country, right? Do you know what I'm talking about?

So you can eat at the pizza buffet and then walk over and have a little lie down. We'll trot that through. It's a three-point answer. This, uh, one of the most fun things to do in Vancouver, according to TourScanner.com, is to take the ferry to Victoria. Oh, yeah. That's how you know you got a fun town.

One of the funnest things to do is leave it in a boat. According to a March 2023 CBC article, the Hospitality Vancouver Association has recommended the city create a nightmare. What is a nightmare? Graham? Something that happens on Elm Street. Can't argue with that. You guys know the movie that happens on Elm Street. Can't argue with that.

Do you guys know the movie Nightmare on Elm Street? One point. Katie Ellen? Everyone knows that the nightmare is the enemy of the day mayor. A nightmare is a bureaucrat who helps develop new nightlife initiatives, which is very funny to me. You know where I come from, a nightmare is when a high school drug dealer becomes your premier. And that's the firing line, everybody.

It's almost time for our live audience to vote. But first, here again to tell us why she thinks Vancouver is a fun-sized fits-all city, once again, here's the always fun, Katie Ellen Humphries! It's easy to complain that Vancouver is no fun. But therein lies the folly of the argument. Because to complain is so fun! I'm convinced it's half the reason anybody gets married. Just look at how F. Trudeau stickers have united people across party lines. I'd say even Trudeau's into them.

You know, since the divorce. There is a seemingly endless list of unfun things to complain about in this city, which unites us as Vancouverites. In our cash-strapped ennui, we find the brilliant spark of human connection. And what's more fun than that? Also, lots of people here seem to really like beach volleyball. Thank you. Katie Ellen Humphrey.

She says Vancouver's plenty fun. Thank you. She's winning over a lot of the crowd here now. Here to tell us why he thinks that Vancouver is about as fun as a funeral, which does ironically have the word fun in it, if you think about it. Oh, yeah. Let's hear again from Graham Clark. All right.

People here hike for fun. Not because there's a flood or anything like that. People here are jacked. Have you noticed? People here are very in shape, carved out of marble. They didn't get that way by having fun, I can tell you that. I want everybody to close their eyes for a minute. Everybody close your eyes. Now picture in your mind the spot you love to go to and always

have. Boom. There's the site of the next condo with some stupid name like the elixir or the enema. How it goes in Vancouver is like this. Rich people are attracted to areas with art, culture, and a good vibe. Fun, right? They move in and ensure the closest any artist will come to existing in that space is as a barista. Do you get it?

I think a lot of people in this audience own a house. That's why it's not catching fire with you. You're like, I love my barista. Do I tip them? No, absolutely not. Thank you. Graham Clark. Graham Clark says Vancouver's no fun.

Katie Ellen says it's plenty fun for her. Let's see what the audience decides. It is time to vote. By applause, who agreed with Graham's furious, no fun fuming's Graham Clark? Great. That's a lot of support. All right.

And who preferred how Katie Ellen got this party started and kept it going? Katie Ellen Humphreys. Whoo! Well, the crowd has spoken, and they like fun. The winner is Katie Ellen Humphreys. Vancouver is a fun city. Big hand for Katie Ellen and Graham Clark, everybody. You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1.

Want to be a part of the debating action? For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood,

and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.

My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus. Unmaying I'm losing my vision has been hard, but explaining it to other people has been harder. Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see

about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now. I just got one question, North Van. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Yes! Listen to that, Canada! This comic's plan to launch pastry into the air is just pie in the sky. It's Victoria's Mikey Dubs. Let's welcome Mikey Dubs, everybody. There he is, striding purposefully across the

stage behind the podium to my right. Hi, Steve. Hi, buddy. And this comic is more than a prince of a guy, it's Vancouver's Simon King! Let's bring out Simon King! Hello, your highness. Hello. We meet again, Steve. Welcome back. Debaters, your topic is one you won't want to keep to yourself. Should you always be yourself? For me, I like being myself, but I also like pretending I'm someone

else. Like on Halloween. Last year I dressed up as the most terrifying thing I could think of, Prime Minister Pierre Poiliev. I know! I'm not great at putting together costumes, so everyone at the party has said, who are you supposed to be? And I said, I am death of the CBC. CBC! It's okay to laugh at him. I guarantee he's not here.

So, whereas it allows you to establish your own identity, live authentically, and not worry about what others think, be it resolved, you should always be yourself. Mikey, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Mikey Dubs. Embrace being yourself. For example, because of the way I deliver my jokes, the other comedians make fun of me. They call me an Indian robot.

But I take that as a compliment, because who else would you be more afraid is going to steal your job. Embrace being yourself, even if it means fitting a stereotype. Like the other day when I was at the deli for lunch, contemplating which sandwich to order, the lady behind the deli counter took one look at me and said, You know we have a butter chicken wrap.

I was offended and delighted at the same time. I hate stereotypes, but not as much as I love butter chicken. And if you are not yourself, you become a hypocrite. Like my teacher back in sex ed class who taught us that humans contracted AIDS by having sex with monkeys. Then she put a condom and a banana on each student's desk. The exact equipment you would need to lure you better express your true self. Like, why do you think emojis let you pick any shade of skin color?

I'll tell you why. Just in case I'm feeling a little more brown or a little less brown some days. Like when a client texts me asking if they can trust that I will pick them up on time when I'm driving my Uber, that's a dark brown thumbs up. So be yourself. Embrace being yourself and use technology to be the best version of yourself. Especially if you're an Indian person competing with other nationalities for potential Uber customers. Thank you.

Mikey Dubs! With a real nice opening argument on behalf of being himself. Now, to present the opposite point of view while appearing as his own avatar, it's the one and many Simon King. Be yourself. When people tell me to be myself, I remind them of something I know they don't. Me. I spent a long time as me, and I'll tell you, you don't want any of it. Life is a hellscape of posturing, peacocking, and imagined lives until the sweet relief

of death. If you're lucky you find someone to be with, you can be mostly yourself around, but they still don't know about what you do with your toenail clippings and the cheese you hide in your car, do they? You're reminded yourself isn't good enough daily. Everything on Instagram is an underwear model skydiving and training miniature horses to use vintage typewriters. My algorithm may be a bit different than yours. In this world of paper dragon personalities,

we can't be ourselves, and we don't want to. We don't want other people to be themselves either. We want everyone to be more like us, but we're not even us. We're what we think we should be. Reality? No way. We want to pretend we're better than we are with hair plugs and boob jobs and library cards. Even reality shows are scripted. Why?

Because an unscripted reality show would be freaking boring. It'd be reality. It'd be you sitting in a beige cubicle and your boss coming in. Can you photocopy these by Friday? They got donuts in the break room. Nobody's gonna watch that! CBC will pick it up for three seasons. Refuse to be yourself. I write different names in my underwear.

Not boring old Simon today. No, today we're Dag Dangerson, skydiving horse trainer. And we're happier that way, and so are you. Thank you. Simon King on why you shouldn't be yourself. It's time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether you should't be yourself. It's time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether you should always be yourself. So Fantasize up your opponent.

Make believe in yourself. And whatever you do, don't phony it in. Things are about to get real right now. Look, I know if you want to be a forgiving person, you have to walk a mile in somebody else's shoes. But last time I tried that was when my teachers taught us that bullies only bully because they have problems at home. You know what I found out one day pretty quick? Nothing gets you beat up more than asking a bully about his problems at home. It's not just bullies that have problems at home.

Where do you think comedians come from? Look, you said you're an Indian robot. It's not just bullies that have problems at home. Where do you think comedians come from? That's true. Look. That's true. You said you're an Indian robot. I do a dance called the English Robot where I don't bend at the waist and I take over three-quarters of the world.

It's pretty good. I've actually seen Simon dance, and I gotta say, it was more traumatizing than colonization. Fair. Fair. I say it was more traumatizing than colonization. There, there. Simon, you mentioned you have cheese in your car? Yeah, man, car cheese. Where do you keep it?

In the car cheese box. Every car has a car cheese box. It's underneath the armrest in the thing. It gets hot, It's fondue. Is that any good? Any good? It damn gooda. It damn gooda. I cam unbear it.

They're turning on puns now? Yeah. Yeah, I gotta say, I'm also all feta up. That's fair enough Round, everybody. Well done, debaters. You bought in. We're puddling them. That's what we're doing now. It's time now for the firing line.

In my hand, I have a list of questions on being yourself, brought to you by the specialty dessert store where you can treat only yourself. Me, myself, and ice cream. So stupid. One of the most infamous imposters was New Brunswicker Sarah Edmonds, who in 1841 pretended to be a man.

Why? Simon. To shoplift sausages. Oh, Sam. Very specific. Three points. Mikey D. To avoid the gender pay gap of the 1840s imposed by the fur trade, where women earned 0.72 beaver pelts for every one beaver pelt earned by a man.

Well thought out. Three and a half points. So close. It was to fight in the American Civil War. But I like your answer better. BuzzFeed's list of movies that give you the courage to be yourself includes Little Miss Sunshine, Mean Girls, and what else? Mikey?

40-Year-Old Virgin. For other people who want to be themselves, not me. How old are you, Mikey? Nearly 40. Okay. Two points. The list of movies that give you the courage to be yourself includes Little Miss Sunshine, Mean Girls, and Wreck-It Ralph.

When it comes to spotting scammers on dating websites, what does the website aura.com say is the number one warning sign? Mikey? When the picture of the person who replies to your messages, laughs at all your jokes, thinks you're good looking, agrees to meet you, is attractive. You know something is up.

Give a point for that, Simon King. I was just going to say that local singles are waiting to date me. So I don't have to be here, because they're waiting. They're waiting. They're waiting. They're waiting patiently by. The number one warning sign for spotting scammers on dating websites is you can't find out any information about them online.

Deep stuff. That's the firing line, everybody. Thank you, everybody. It is almost time for our always lovely Vancouver audience to vote. But first, here again wishing that he was speaking as a brother from another mother. Let's hear from the one and many, Simon King. Being yourself gets you nowhere, and it's boring. I could have been doing this debate as Robin Williams the whole time,

or Ryan Reynolds, or Christian Slater, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or a 900-year-old Viking horn. See how much more fun that would be! Oscar Wilde said, be yourself, everyone else is taken. Be myself? Why would I choose to be myself, when at any point I could decide to be the greatest host in the history of the CBC. Host of The Debaters, Steve Patterson.

Thank you. Back to you, me. Simon King, everybody. It's like listening in a mirror. Thank you, Simon. I'm gonna get that lisp checked. Now, here to champion being yourself is none other than the one and only Mikey Dubs. Sometimes people will try to convince you of things and do it in a way that makes zero sense.

Like those people who try to convince you of things and do it in a way that makes zero sense. Like those people who try to convince you to drink more water by shocking you with a statistic about how much water your body already has in it. They'll be like, you know you're made up of 75% water. Now as you wrap your head around the fact you're only 25% you and 75% water, would you like to become less you

and more water? I've never felt less thirsty in my entire life. So since there is only 25% left of us to actually be us, we might as well use it to be the real us and not what my opponent would have us be, a watered-down version of us. Thank you. Mikey Dubs! A well-thought-out closing argument that almost has my brain hurting.

Well done, Mikey. It is up to you, audience, to decide by applause who agreed with what Simon says in his anti-self-serving speech, Simon King. A lot of love for Simon. A lot of love for Simon. All right. And who felt that Mikey lived up to the selfish words,

to thine own self be true? Mikey Dubs, my goodness. Listen to that. It's first debate and it's a winner. The winner is Mikey Dubs. Always be yourself. Big hand for Mikey Dubs and Simon King, everybody. Well, that's all for this week.

I'm Steve Patterson saying I would rather be Enrique Iglesias. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark, with continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Annie Kennedy. Thank you. And thanks to everyone at the Centennial Theatre in North Vancouver.