The Debaters - 1823: Piano vs. Guitar & Brand Names

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

Myles Anderson and Jacob Samuel have an instrumental discussion on whether the piano is superior to the guitar. Then, Sean Lecomber and Robby Hoffman show each other who’s Hugo Boss when they decide if brand names matter.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us,

and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb too since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms and honestly we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,

that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. This is a CBC Podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash the debaters.

And thanks for listening to the CBC. Hey, Canada, our comedy cup runneth over from Vancouver, BC, the host city of the 2026 FIFA World Cup. It's the debaters! The debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who will soccer it to you. Steve Patterson. Hey, all Canada. Thanks, Graham.

Welcome back to The Debaters. Always great to be back here again in Vancouver, a city full of interesting shops to explore. One such shop is the Granville Island Broom Company. You will never guess what they sell. Actually, they sell artisanal, one-of-a-kind brooms, like the straw brooms that Harry Potter would ride, handcrafted with ornately carved wooden handles.

And if you want one, you'll have to quidditch out as much as $300. It's a Harry Potter reference. The store even has a broom made out of a hockey stick because I guess they haven't heard of curling. Which literally features brooms. Anyway, are you ready to meet two debaters that know how to read the Roomba?

What do you say, North fan? I'm looking forward to this one. This comic once got plastered with a couple of drywallers. It's Victoria's Miles Anderson. Come on out here, Miles. There he is, looking very dapper. Shirt, tie. Thank you. And a penny saved is like nothing, if you think about it. This is Vancouver's Jacob Samuel. There he is. He's looking a little more cash.

He's got a sort of Hawaiian shirt on. We've got shirt and tie versus laid back. You would think that might be what the debate's about, but I think it's about something different. Debaters, your topic is one that will be music to all of our ears. Guitar versus piano. Which is the superior instrument? Finally, a show is gonna figure this out. I know that some people play both

and they play them both well, so I don't envy taking one side over the other in this debate. That's why I'd like to shout out a completely different musical instrument that doesn't seem to get the respect it deserves, the pan flute. You know, not enough people give the pan flute the love it deserves, except the pan flute master, Zamfir. Zamfir sold over 100 million albums, yet claims he never got rich. I guess he must have blown the money. Well, Zamfir, this one's for you.

Thank you. Zamfir is the master. I am his humble servant. Time now for a debate that won't string you along. So, whereas it's more versatile, has a wider range, and is a symbol of class and style, be it resolved, the piano is superior to the guitar. Miles, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now, Miles Anderson. The piano was invented in 1708 and some of the early masters of the instrument include Haydn, Mozart, and Beethoven. I wish I could name some of the early masters of the guitar but but nobody knows who they are, and nobody cares.

Many people think the piano is an expensive and therefore inaccessible instrument. It's not even close. The most expensive instrument is the bagpipes, because you need to own 30 acres of land to practice them. The buying process for a piano is your grandma dies and you get a free piano. You only need one piano and you can play anything on it. Guitar bros will spend thousands of dollars on dozens of guitars to play the same six songs over and over again. Please put another brick in the wall between me and you. Piano players have much cooler nicknames. One famous jazz pianist was nicknamed

Fats Waller because he weighed over 200 pounds. I play the piano in my apartment all day, and my neighbors call me Please Stop Anderson. The piano is an instrument of the Enlightenment. The guitar, since its invention, has always been used by youth pastors to convince teens to stay abstinent. Thank you. Thank you. Miles Anderson,

thrown down on behalf of the piano. Now to stick his neck out as the defender of the guitar, let's hear from Jacob Samuel. What if I told you there was an instrument that's fun to play, easy to transport, and is responsible for killing zero cartoon characters? Hello, guitar! The nickname for the guitar is an axe because of its power. The only slang term I know for a piano is tickling the ivories,

which alludes to the piano's brutal history of elephant slaughter. The piano is an elitist instrument for music snobs. Guitar is for songs that unite everyday common folk. This land is your land. Blowing in the wind, an achy, breaky heart. We all know that the worst part of every concert is when a rock star takes off their guitar to go sit at a piano. Everyone takes out their lighters as a threat.

Stop playing piano or we'll burn this place down. Steinway and Sons, Mason and Hamlin. Piano companies have boring names that sound like accounting firms. Guitars are named after cool dudes like Les Paul and those famous Irish brothers Tell and Strat O'Caster. The people who got it know that that's a fantastic joke. Remember all those summers sitting around the campfire

and then someone backs up a truck and rolls out a piano? No, no, of course not, because the guitar is the sing-along instrument. The only reason to ever bring a piano to a campfire is as fuel. What kind of pianos are there? Upright, grand, so pretentious. Every type of guitar is exciting. Electric, slide, air.

Air. Right? Look, the coolest version of the piano is the keyboard, which has the same name as the thing you type on for work. Every piano player secretly wants to play guitar and stand up. That's why we have the keytar, and there's no such thing as a guy-ano. Thank you. Jacob Samuel coming out swinging on behalf of the guitar.

Let's move on now to the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether the piano outperforms the guitar. Let's move on now to the bare-knuckle round. We're debating whether the piano outperforms the guitar, so strike a dominant chord. And remember, there's no turning Bach. You know, Don't fret. Compose yourself. Keep a sharp mind. And just try and try again. The audience finger picks the winner. So go for some Yamaha ha ha ha's now. All right.

Thank you very much. Before we start the Bare Knuckle Round, I just want to take a moment to sincerely thank the CBC for very generously buying these instruments for us. Probably the most expensive debate of all time. Thank you so much, CBC. Oh, Jacob is strapping on a guitar. And, uh, oh, Miles is moving over to a very conveniently placed grand piano. Yeah, they... I didn't even know this was here.

I didn't even know your grandmother was sick. Okay, I have to pay for it after that. Okay, we should probably start, Miles, by tuning our instrument, so that should be pretty quick for me. How long does it take for you to do that? That's it. It doesn't take long at all. One second. I just have to phone my tuner. Hey Jerry, it's Miles. I was wondering how soon can you get down

to the Centennial Theater? Monday. Yeah sure, that'll work, no problem. Yeah, I'll talk to you on Monday. Yeah, I love you too. It's fine. You know, my instrument, it's gonna be perfect for, it's gonna work for like at least six months at a time. It's like a Tesla, it's perfect. I think, okay, here's a fun idea for us. Let's both play our

highest and lowest notes at the exact same time. Haha! My arms are longer than you think! Checkmate! Well, you want to try and play ten notes at the same time, Jacob? Let's do it! Ten notes at the same time! Woo! Oh, easy! Okay, all it's used this time to show off another thing is that with guitar you can walk the music to the people, right? Okay, oh Jacob is walking towards me with his guitar now. Oh, he's walking towards the audience now. He's playing a nice little riff here. It's like a blues riff. He's nicely done.

I don't need to do that. I don't want to do that. You know, I don't want to move. Piano players, we stay in one place. We're not drifters, okay? Piano players, we believe in community.. We're not drifters, okay? Piano players, we believe in community. In fact, it's common for two people to play one piano at the same time, sometimes even three.

Guitarists, they're always just stuck walking alone over there playing with their whammy bar. I think we'll stop it there. That's the bare knuckle round. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on guitar versus piano, brought to you by the keytar.

Mmm, the keytar. Part piano, part guitar, but really, the worst of both. Finish this quote from the Rolling Stones' Keith Richards. Give me a guitar, give me a piano, give me a broom and string and I what? Miles? I can make a bong.

That's a five point answer based on that riff-answer combination. That's a five-point answer based on that riff-answer combination. That's a great... Jacob Samuel. Give me a guitar, give me a piano, give me a broom and a string, and I will kill one person of your choosing. Also a good answer. He said, give me a guitar, give me a piano, give me a broom and a string, and I wouldn't get bored anywhere.

Also the drugs help. According to pianoemporium.com, the piano has the widest range of tones of all instruments with its highest note higher than that of a piccolo and its lowest note lower than what? -♪ Um, a guitar player's credit score. Ha! -♪

Whoo! Oh. Five points, Miles. Well played, literally. The highest note is higher than that of a piccolo. The lowest note is lower than the lowest note on a double bassoon. Yeah.

In Newsweek's list, 10 instruments parents want kids to learn, piano and guitar finish in the top five. What instrument finished last? Jacob? The barometer. Now ask me why. Why? Too much pressure.

Nicely done, buddy. Nicely done. That's three points. Miles? The sackbutt. It's an instrument. Sackbutt. It's not popular. I went to school for this. Thank you. It's better now.

Now I'm in a dream. It's not the sack butt. The instrument that finished last was the saxophone. Pretty close. Finish this quote from Elton John. I've played pianos, I've jumped on pianos, I've fallen off pianos, and I've what? Jacob?

I've raised a lot of money for people I've injured with my pianos. Three points for that. Sorry, what's the question? Just tell me who that was, and I'll give you a point. That was Ludwig von Beethoven. I thought so. One point for me for knowing that. Elton John said, I've played pianos, I've jumped on pianos, I've fallen off pianos,

and I've pushed a piano into the crowd. Well, screw you, Sir John! That's the firing line, everybody! Well, debaters, this has been certainly our most moving debate in a long time, and it's almost time for the audience to vote. But first, here to pick up where he left off, and Gibson Shine to the guitar. Once again, let's hear from Jacob Samuel. According to legend, the blues guitarist Robert Johnson went down to the crossroads

and sold his soul to Satan in exchange for being the world's best guitar player. Epic. The only reason a pianist would ever make a deal with the devil is for help moving a piano. The Beatles, the greatest band ever, wrote a tribute song to the guitar called While My Guitar Gently Weeps.

No one's ever done this for the piano. The most famous song about the piano is Billy Joel's Piano Man, an ode to drunkenly heckling a struggling musician. Remind me again, what is the most memorable instrument in the song Piano Man? The harmonica. The piano can't even headline a song called Piano Man. In conclusion,

Guitar Hero, Piano Zero. Thank you. Jacob Samuel, yeah. That's a pretty good argument. Those are good points, Jacob. Well done. Now here with another 88 key points to make. Pushing the piano, let's hear again from Miles Anderson. The piano is something that unites so many people through the music it makes and through the common shared experience of taking piano lessons and giving up after three years. A piano is a wonderful addition to a party. Arriving at a party with a guitar creates an air of nervousness and trepidation. Oh God, I hope they aren't going to use that thing. It should be illegal to open carry a guitar in a public space.

A solo piano player can entertain a crowd for hours. A guitar player always needs backup. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in listening to The Beatle. Thank you. Miles Anderson, make it some good key points. On behalf of the piano, Jacob Samuel is here for the guitar. It's time to vote. By applause, who felt in total harmony with all the classic jazz

that Miles laid down about the piano? Miles Anderson. And who was in tune with what Jacob spouted from his sound hole in favor of the guitar? Jacob Samuel. It is very close. It's a tie. We have a tie. It's in get closer. Big hands for Jacob Samuel and Miles Anderson. We love the guitar and the piano. You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1. Want to be a part of the debating action?

For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash The Debaters. Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife, Nancy, and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog, Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people, too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think.

Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goldtar and I have a confession to make. I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and most of all, true crime podcasts. But sometimes, I just want to know more. I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast, Crime Story, comes in.

Every week, I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Hey, North Van, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? That sounds like they're ready to meet, Canada. This comic thinks a delicatessen is just a tessin made of glass. It's Edmonton's Sean LeCumber. There he is.

Sean LeCumber making his way to the podium to my right. Hi, Steve. Hi, buddy. Welcome back. And this comic thinks that talk of Canada's Arctic sovereignty is a real good icebreaker. It's Montreal's Robbie Hoffman. Come on out, Robbie. We have not had Robbie on. How you doing, Steve? Good to have you. Great to be here. Your topic, debaters, is one that is very much on brand. Brand names. Do they really matter? I'll let the debaters decide, but since we're

talking about shopping, I don't know if you knew this, but you can now buy jeans at some Home Depots. I have them, they're great. It's a true story. Every lesbian knows that. Come on. I used them in my birdhouse building pants. Okay. That's what we call them too He's the birdhouse builder Yeah Yeah I got some Home Depot jeans They are very inexpensive

but there are no change rooms at Home Depot so I changed behind a shower curtain in the bathroom section which probably annoyed the sales associate because there's really no behind the shower curtain. Time now for a debate that will have us flying by the seat of our pants. So, whereas they are more expensive

and provide no guarantee of superior quality, be it resolved that brand names don't matter. Sean, you're arguing for this. You have two minutes, starting now. Sean LeCumber. That's right. don't matter. Sean, you're arguing for this. You have two minutes starting now. Sean Lecomber. That's right. I'm more of a price tag guy, Steve.

I'm decked out head to toe tonight in fashion by George. If you buy for the logo, guess what? The brand gains traction, production accelerates, company uses cheaper materials, quality decreases, and you just buy it anyway. It's a hideous process called brand loyalty. Loyal, like a dog. Lululemon throws the ball and we goes and gets it.

The last 20 years of being devoted to specific brands has softened us up for what the government has in store for us next. Falling in love with robots. It's called brand poisoning, everybody. Ask yourself this question. What is the best a man can get? Gillette.

For shame. We should have thought about being a loving father, a devoted friend, a doting husband. That's the best a man can get. Nope, taking hair off your face with 17 blades. That's what we're up to, Steve. 17. You see the negative effects of brand poisoning most clearly during the holidays. When you go Christmas shopping for loved ones, their wish list is very specific. If you choose to go off-brand, it's an indication that you don't love them.

The list doesn't say, get me a black hoodie. It says, get me a black Under Armour hoodie. They don't say buy me the ugliest pair of rubber sandals imaginable. They say I want Crocs. Look what we've become. As Forrest Gump once asked, what is my personal brand, mama? You know what she said? Doesn't matter. She's not even on TikTok. Thank you.

That was it. Sean LeCumber. He says, brand names don't matter. Now, here to tell us why a brand in your hand is grand, let's hear from the one and only Robbie Hoffman. Surprise, surprise, I grew up poor. As a kid, all I wanted was brand names. All I wanted was Air Jordans. What a brand, huh?

But Payless sold shacks. All right, my whole family had shacks. Nobody wants a shack shoe. Okay, it was actually impressive. The shack shoe lasted exactly three months. The first 89 days, it was pristine, fresh as hell. The 90th day, it would disintegrate off of your foot. And I watched my mother in anguish every three months, literally cry over having to buy me

a new pair of shacks. It's like that time the teacher told my mother I needed glasses, and she cried at me, can't you sit closer to the board? Look it, guys, do you want to pay for your clothes, or do you want your clothes to pay you? Huh? Huh? I argue that real quality brand names are actually cheaper in the end. Call it girl math or Jew math or what you want. But I always think of how often I wear something to make up for its price. Right? This handmade Bodhi shirt I wear before you cost $500 USD.

About 4,000 Canadian. So far, I've worn it four times. Chanukah, my birthday, my girlfriend's birthday, and here before all of you. Each time, I get about a billion compliments, which are priceless because I love compliments. It was $500, but, man, it makes me feel like a million. But back to lesbian math. Four times, meaning so far I've only spent 125 USD for it.

Not great as a Jew, I understand, but be patient. If I wear this four more times. Over four more years, it'll only be $25 USD, about 1K Canadian. Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!

Robbie Hoffman! Robbie Hoffman! It's time for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're asking whether brand names matter. So swatch your back and Chanel all your rage. Show your opponent who's the Hugo Boss. Don't be a John Deere in the headlights. These are all sponsors we will need to have

when the network is taken over in the headlights. These are all sponsors we will need to have when the network is taken over in the next election. It's your job to Omega this audience laugh. If not, they'll make you pay, pal. I'm proud of that one.

Time to black and decker your opponent now. I mean... That is a great shirt. Yeah. What are you... I was waiting for a thank you. Oh, you know what?

It's getting a compliment from a man. It's been a while. Here's the thing. I don't know. How can anybody like brands? You know what I mean? Everything's a no-names brand. And it sucks.

Everything sucks. I can't watch a hockey game without the boards moving. Where's the puck? Oh, that's not called a goal. That's a tell-us tip-in. Listen, Sean, you know I like you, but maybe you could use at least one or two blades on the face, you know what I mean?

You don't need 17. You don't want to see this chinless mess. You know what I don't. Look horrible without a beard. My children go, ah! You know? Okay, that's the Bare Knuckle Round, everybody. It is time now for the firing line.

In my hand, I have a list of questions on brand names brought to you by President's Choice, the no-brand brand that's actually been branded as a brand. Canadian shoppers looking for generic grocery items the no-brand brand that's actually been branded as a brand. Canadian shoppers looking for generic grocery items can purchase no-name brand from Loblaws, compliments from Sobeys, and what generic brand from Walmart? Sean?

Food by George. Disgusting. The clothes people are making food now? Yeah. Robbie Hoffman. Is it wall shacks? That's actually a good guess. That's actually a good guess.

The actual answer is great value. In November 2023, the travel Tumblr brand Stanley blew up in popularity and became a must-have item after a video on TikTok went viral showing what? Robbie? That it also vibrates, ladies. A video on TikTok went viral showing that a woman's Stanley tumbler reportedly survived

a car fire and there was still ice inside it. Brand names, brand names, brand names. On HowStuffWorks.com's list of things you should always buy generic, what is number one? Sean. Dairy by George. It's pasteurized. The list you should always buy generic,

the number one item is snacks and sweets. Pfft. That's the firing line, everybody. We are debating whether brand names matter on the debaters. It's almost time for the audience to vote. But first, here again to make trademark wit with the audience about brand names, it's Robbie Hoffman. Robbie Hoffman.

Look it. You think my clothes are just clothes, huh? Wrong. My clothes to me are an extension of me, of who I am. They're a relatively easy way to adequately express myself without invasive surgeries and the like. I invest in them like I invest in myself,

unlike my counterpart. Take your time purchasing. Slow down. Be discerning. Capitalism has you thinking the more you have something, the longer you have it, the worse it is. But that's the ruse. In truth, the more you have something, the longer you have it, the more it becomes you. Not only that, the more you have something, the longer you have it, the more it becomes you.

Not only that, the more it'll feel like you, the best person you can be. Ask yourself, do you want to pay your clothing or do you want your clothing to pay you? Eventually, this shirt I wear before you will break even and get this, start paying me. D Ever heard of that? Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. And get this, when I'm done with it, well, I can sell it because it's a good brand. Money, money, money, money, money. Robbie Hoffman. Yeah. Getting the crowd riled up on behalf of brands. Thank you, Robbie. Now, here to tell us why his favorite brand of cowboy is Clint Eastwood's man with no name.

That's a true story. Let's hear again from the man with this name, Sean LeCumber. Here's the truth. The bigger the brand, the higher the likelihood their products are made by children. Not our children. They're lazy. I can't even get my kids. They wouldn't last a minute in one of those shops. Can't even get them to bring their dishes downstairs.

Anyway, that's why I've decided to go brandless. That's right. I will admit it's hard to find replacement parts for major appliances you built yourself. And yes, you do have to rewash most things in the sink after because your wooden dishwasher isn't sealed and leaves streaks on glassware. But I'm free. Free from the shackles of corporate propaganda.

Thank you everybody. Thanks, Steve. Sean LeCumber. Yeah. Sean LeCumber says Yeah. Sean LeCumber says, down with brand names. Robbie Hoffman wants to keep the brand names going, and it's time for this Vancouver audience to vote.

By applause, who labeled Robbie as the brand-new champion of this debate, Robbie Hoffman? Okay. Okay. And... All right. And who agreed with Sean's no-frills approach against brand name Sean LeCumber? Pretty close. It's very close.

But the winner is Sean LeCumber. It's very close. Big hand for Sean LeCumber and Robbie Hoffman, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But the winner is Sean LeCumber. It's very close. Big hand for Sean LeCumber and Robbie Hoffman, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying my name isn't trademarked, but it is Trade Steve'd. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night.

Thanks, Debaters. The Debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Annie Kennedy. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries and David Pride.

Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. Editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Centennial Theatre in North Vancouver. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.