The Debaters - 1824: Cashier vs. Self-Checkout & Own a Boat

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

In this priceless episode from Season 14, Nikki Payne and Patrick Ledwell push each other's buttons when they compare cashiers to self-checkout machines. Then, Sean Cullen and Graham Chittenden deliver waves of laughs in their debate on owning a boat.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us,

and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb too since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms and honestly we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,

that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. This is a CBC Podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters.

And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey, diddle, diddle, we're in the land of the fiddle. From Glace Bay, Nova Scotia. It's the debater! The debater is where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now, here's a man who's always in tune with his audience, Steve Patterson. Hey, thanks Graham Clark. Hello Canada. Welcome back to the debaters and welcome to Cape Breton.

Yeah. It is great to be here at the legendary Savoy Theatre, which is, as many of you know, haunted. Let's be honest, it is haunted. And not just during productions of Phantom of the Opera. Apparently, one time a balloon blew down from the ceiling and then it hung in the air over an entire play before rising back into the rafters. Whoa. And many people, many people

have reported feeling a sudden chill in the air here in this old theater. Scary stuff! scary stuff so who are you going to call who are you going to call Savoy who are you going to call

that's right the local heating company let them know it's time to take a look again now are you ready to meet two debaters who are so funny it's scary let's bring them out here. This comic believes that 80% of success is showing off. It's PEI's Patrick Ledwell.

Patrick Ledwell's back with us, fresh and ready. And this comic says that for fiddlers on the roof, the jig is up. It's Nick Nikki Payne! The one and only Nikki Payne! She looks ready and excited. Your topic is an important one. Cashier versus self-checkout. Ooh!

Really? This is the level? Really? This is the level? Did you hear that? Good luck, Pacheco! That was great! This is a good one for Cape Breton, obviously. Because a couple of local businessmen have started a Facebook group calling for self-checkout machines to be banned,

and it has over 9,000 likes. Over 9,000. Wow. I can only assume the two businessmen are in the business of making those little grocery conveyor belt dividers. I'm not sure where I stand on this issue personally. My main concern is if we start replacing bartenders with self-bartend machines.

Sure, they'll pour the regulated amount for the perfect cocktail, but where's the fun in that? And what about life advice? A bartending machine isn't going to care about my well-being. It'll just keep pouring drink after drink after... Actually, self-bartending machines sound okay. That's not what this debate is about. So, whereas nothing can replace human interaction, be it resolved that going to the cashier beats using the self-checkout. Nikki, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now.

Self-checkout at the grocery store is so convenient, they tell me. I swipe an item, I put it in the bag, then the robot says, put the item in the bag. And I'm like, it's in the bag. And the robot says, put the item in the bag. And I'm like, it's in the bag. Trust me, robot, I'm looking at it. But the robot insists

that I put the item in the bag and I'm like, as God as my weakness, robot, the item is in the bag. And then some human comes over and I'm like, not now, human! You're interrupting my convenience! Yes! There's nowhere to bag your groceries, speaking of bags. There's nowhere to bag your groceries. What, next, are they going to have to make a bagging robot?

Will a cashier robot tell the bag robot to put the item in the bag? Will a robot fight back? Because I like to see that. Use a self-checkout once trying to wring out produce and you will love your cashier. Look, I got someone clapping. Amen!

Amen! Amen! You'll appreciate the work of your cashier, because you've got to click vegetable. And then you've got to click the kind of vegetable. Then you've got to click in the tiny little number on the sticker on the vegetable. I'm just trying to ring in an onion and a couple avocados, not want a GD nuclear missile.

And it takes away a job. Yeah, it's a crappy job. Yeah. Yeah, it's a crappy job. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's not a dream job. No one dreams of telling irate soccer moms that their yogurt coupon is past due. But the bills gotta get paid.

Don't take their jobs. Give them a damn raise. I'm done. Nikki Payne, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. We're in the House of Payne now. Thank you, Nikki. Now to tell us why he'll always check out

the self-checkout, here's savvy shopper and scared man, Patrick Ladwell. Nicky, I fail to see what you're so worked up about. We've had self-checkouts on PEI for many decades. Here's how the technology operates.

The customer stops and takes five pounds of potatoes from a wooden shed. He or she leaves money in an ice cream container. Sometimes secured with the lid, tamper-proof slot cut in the pop-off top. Yeah. Yeah.

I hear your objections to self-checkouts. Aren't cashiers one of those jobs that I keep hearing so much about? We're doing all the work, and the grocery store is not passing any savings back to us. Not true. You're missing the spot to plug in the promo code. First, buy good bulk stuff like pine nuts. Those are wicked expensive. Bag up pine nuts, go to a self-checkout, and key in the promo code, it's carrots. Then put your items in the bag. A nutty bonus for your self-serve efforts. We have a six-year-old boy. He is what seniors call busy.

With their high judgmental eyebrows. Busy. Busy. I go to the grocery store with him on a mission to pick up milk and eggs, which are conveniently located three kilometers diagonally back from the front sliding doors. Like milk and eggs, our boy has an expiry window. So when we reach the express checkout, you know what? 15 or less? That also refers to recommended minutes of chit-chat you should be having with the cashier Darlene.

15 or less. About who won, chased the ace up at the rink, or who's getting the transplant now, Isn't that a sin? Come on! Come on! Just watch me divert for the self-checkout. Even though my son sits on the scanner immediately and comes up

as cantaloupes. My son, 1067, in cantaloupes. Getting the hell out of Sobeys the fastest way possible? Priceless! Thank you very much, Kate Breton. Patrick Ledwell! It's pretty close.

Heading into the bare-knuckle round. We are debating if cashiers are superior to self-checkout machines, so find a way to make your opponent pay by delivering the goods with cashier audacity. Push each other's buttons. Make the laughs register, and you'll be right on the money.

It'll be in the bag if your argument is self-serving. And frankly, I won't tech no for an answer. And because I'm not going to get up, there will be no need for a receipt. Patrick, why would I settle for mediocre technology when I can already deal with the mediocre teenager that I'm used to dealing with at the cash? 15 or less is actually a description of the age of the cashier I get. And they're so full of Ritalin,

their arms can barely move the groceries. Over the... Ugh. Ugh. What's this? It's an apple! Ring it in, Justin Beep Boop! The quality of human interaction is not there.

It hasn't been there for a long time. I've been going to Canadian Tire for many years. Long before self-checkouts, the first section I had to go to was hunting and fishing to use one of those fish radars to find any living heartbeat within a kilometer of the place. Look at the Canadian Tire employee, elusively escaping into the thickets. I'll just do it myself!

Beep boop! Nicky? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Okay? Don't you forget how automation forgets about us differently abled, okay? You'd understand if you got hung up on the third try of saying Mitsubishi on the phone.

I don't know. If I never had to go through a checkout in a maritime pharmacy ever again, I would welcome that day. Always a comment. Oh yeah, my cousin had a dose of this. Stuck around for a long time. Bring on our robot overlords. I don't want that.

Don't you want to know if it's going to stick around for a long or short time? Well, I'll scan my Kiwis and find out. Okay, that's a fair enough round. Pretty close.

Patrick is winning over some hearts here. He's striking a chord, and it might be closer to a tie now. This has progressed nicely, this debate. Dang it. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on cashiers versus self-checkout brought to you by shopping carts. Shopping carts.

No matter how far technology advances, we're not fixing that one wheel. We'll always have that. According to an editorial from the Cape Breton Post, what do cashiers do that self-checkouts cannot? Nikki.

See the item in the bag. Thank you. Three points. That's a field goal right there. Three points. Patrick Ledwell. Cashiers can accept a hummus coupon from 2016 because you remind them of their deceased husband.

True story. True story. I'll give you a point for that. No, according to the editorial in the Cape Breton Post, cashiers pay income tax and property taxes. Well done, Cape Breton Post editorial. At a self-checkout machine, what is the term for intentionally

ringing up a produce item that's less expensive than the one you're buying? Nikki. Theft. Good answer. That is what it is. That's one point. It's actually called the banana trick. Which is a terrible... That sounds like that's a good answer. That is what it is. That's one point. It's actually called the banana trick.

Which is a terrible... That sounds like that's a different trick, doesn't it? Ah. What did Queen Elizabeth ask about self-checkout machines when she was shown one in 2019? Patrick. What is a groceries? What is a groceries?

She asked, is it possible to cheat the machine? That's the firing line, everybody. It's almost time for our Savoy Theatre audience to pick a winner But first, here to tell us that he gives self-checkout at full checkmark It's self-starter, Patrick Ledwell Thank you Anyone can swipe a UPC code over red laser party lights. The only purpose left for the cashier is to instill guilt,

to ward off thoughts about swiping T-bones down the gym pants. It's all 100% robot anyway. The so-called merchant only hands you the interact machine for your card. Eyes blank, muttering, chip in the bottom. Like they actually have one implanted up theirs. Or strip down, facing left. I've never heard the phrase strip down, facing left, said with less emotion. You just think, I'm doing all the work here, and for what?

Retail has become like a bad relationship. So with a little electronic helper, Nicky, you could learn to check yourself out and finish off when you feel ready, pleasantly, conveniently, and alone. Maybe it's sometimes better that way. Come and go as you please. But Cape Breton, as the self-checkout always says,

a pleasure serving you today. Thank you very much. Patrick Ludwell. All right. Nice job, sir. Good closing argument. I'm starting to think we're talking about something different here. Now, here again to tell us that she's here for the cashier and not the robot, here's labor loving Nikki Payne.

Here comes the science. A study out of Dalhousie University suggested only 11% of shoppers use self-checkout regularly. The other 89% would like to get out of the superstore sometime this month.

And those weird old 11% that do enjoy self-checkout say things like they don't like chatting with the cashier. It's hi, how you doing? Do you collect points? A four-second conversation, Patrick, not a Barbara Walters interview. How do you 11 percenters interact with the world outside the grocery store, huh? Now we call themselves checkout enthusiasts. We used to call you sociopaths. Funny how there's no human to pay, yet there's no discount for using self-checkout.

Where does the money go, Patrick? Yeah, that's right, big grocery. Another way for the 1% to stick it to the 11% that are jumping off the fall for this scam like Patrick over here. That's Nikki Payne, everybody. Nikki Payne is all about the cashier.

Patrick Ledwell is all for the self-checkout audience. It is up to you to pick a winner. By applause, who thinks that Nikki's cashier quips quickly conquered this debate? Nikki Payne. Right? Alright. who thinks that Nikki's cashier quips quickly conquered this debate? Nikki Payne. Okay. All right. A lot of love for Nikki.

A lot of love for Nikki. She's scratching it out. And who thinks Patrick's self-checkout touting took this one? Patrick Ledwell. Pretty close. That is close enough for me to say it's not definitive. We're going to have to live with human cashiers and self-checkout for a while.

We got a tie, ladies and gentlemen. Big hand for Nikki Bain and Patrick Ledwell. Enjoy your robot overlords, suckers! You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1. Want to be a part of the debating action? For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said,

there's no place like home. That's why when I travel by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch, like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare. Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family. Which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars, and those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Something to prepend on and on.

Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goldtar, and I have a confession to make. I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and most of all true crime podcasts. But sometimes I just want to know more. I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast Crime Story comes in. Every week I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Hey, Kate Breton, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Let's do it. This comic is making a beeline for the A-list. It's Graham Chittenden.

Welcome, Graham Chittenden. There he is. One of our favorites. Taking his place in the podium to my left. And this comedian walks the walk, talks the talk, and clocks the clock. It's the one and only Sean Cullen. Sean Cullen, everybody.

He's ready. Your topic is close to the hearts of any coastal dweller. Should everyone aspire to own a boat? I'd like to hear this because I don't own a boat. So the phrase, whatever floats your boat, has never made sense to me. Why does the boat have to be the thing that floats? Lots of things float. A duck, an empty milk carton, a snitch. The list is almost as long as the response you get from saying good morning to a person from Glace Bay. Now let's see if this debate floats. So whereas there's nothing like being on the open sea,

be it resolved that everyone should aspire to own a boat. Sean, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now. Everyone should own a boat. You sing on a boat. You have songs that go along with boating. Haul up the lobsters, Jimmy Wilson. Everything has got a song to do with it on a boat.

Boats, boats, boats. I like boats. More importantly, I like saying the word boat. Boat is another word for freedom. If things on land get you down,

you can always get on the boat. Shove off and say shove it to your terrestrial troubles. Having a boat is like having a summer home that floats away. You can move it wherever you want. You can't do that

in a cabin or a cottage. If there's some loser next to you at the cottage who likes to wear his underpants all day and roll around in pie, you're stuck beside that guy forever. On a boat, you just float away from him and his crusty endeavor. Being on a boat gives you perspective. You feel a part of the ocean at one with the waves.

If you're sad and miserable, go out on the boat, and you'll see that compared to the endless expanse of ocean, your troubles are insignificant. When you're sad, you can sit on your boat, maybe lure a dolphin close enough so that you can drop a penny in his blowhole. That's good luck! But not for the dolphin.

When you're on a boat, everything is different. You have a different perspective than when you're on land. All the troubles you have seem to diminish in importance. Work got you down? Go out on the boat. Having trouble with the pie-based neighbor? Go out on the boat. Zombie apocalypse? Go out on the boat, because most zombies cannot swim.

And the ones that can swim can only dog paddle very slowly. It's the safest place to be. And when you own a boat, you get to name it a clever name. Like, my wife got the house. Or, what are you looking at? Or, float meal or my water broke or wet Steve

the possibilities are endless but only when you have a boat thank you Sean Cullen has only but only when you have a boat. Thank you. Sean Cullen. As only Sean Cullen can do it. Thank you.

Now, to tell us why the idea of owning a boat makes him just seasick, it's landlubber Graham Chittenden. Thank you. Boats are the worst form of travel imaginable and the vessel for humanity's worst tragedies. The Titanic didn't make it across the ocean. Hundreds of people died. Christopher Columbus' boat did make it across the ocean.

Thousands of people died. It is a lose-lose every time. And Sean thinks every one of you should have one. But I'll focus on boats that the middle class aspire to own. They have a particular name, Pleasure Craft. I even disagree with that name. Explain the pleasure of something depreciating in your driveway for 11 months a year while you wait patiently to tow it to the nearest boat launch and fight with your wife the entire way there. And do what you call a launch.

This is not a launch. I've seen a launch. You launch a rocket ship? Amazing. You launch a football? Wow, that guy's going places. Launching a boat is more like dunking a boat towards the water and giving yourself a chance to ruin not one,

but two of your vehicles that you haven't finished paying for. And even if money's not an option, you become stupid rich. Buying a boat is still a terrible idea. Tiger Woods owns a yacht called Privacy. Essentially, Tiger paid $25 million to accidentally make a joke about Tiger. He bought it for his ex-wife, who gave it back to him. In the divorce, she didn't want it. In a record-breaking $100 million divorce,

she gave back a 164-foot yacht. When people getting divorced say something like, don't stick me with this thing, they usually just mean the kids. If you're going to own a boat at any price range, you might as well just flush your money down the toilet. But not a boat toilet. You'll break it.

Thank you. Great. I'm a boat toilet. You'll break it. Thank you. Graham Chittenden. Nice job. Sticking to script. And now we head to the bare knuckle round. We are asking if everyone should aspire to own a boat. So capsize your opponent up in order to beat the ship out of him. If you build your argument point by point before you deck him, then you can take a bow. If you don't, I might ask to be stern with you. I don't know what the hell you're all staring at. This is your chance to be a starboard and the schooner the better. Yes, well, I love boats because they have tiny little things on them. Everything on a boat is smaller

and more perfectly formed than it is on land. You have a tiny toilet and it's not even called a toilet. It's called a head. Why? Because sailors used to hate their captains so much in ancient times that they always dreamed of urinating on the captain's head. So they called it the head. I assume if you spent your kid's education fund on a boat, it's because your head was

where your ass was supposed to be. Did I get that wrong? No, you don't know my children. They're incredibly stupid. They're not going to college. They'll be lucky to be crewing on my boat. They're going to be just crawling around scraping barnacles, and that's the only food they'll get. That's the only food you can get on a boat. Has anyone been on a cruise?

What a great way to share food poisoning with a thousand people. Okay, that's the very last round, everybody. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on aspiring to own a boat brought to you by the Gilligan's Island SS Minnow Museum. Check it out. It's about a three-hour tour. Thank you. Thanks.

What accounts for the $4.8 billion price tag on History Supreme, the world's most expensive yacht? Graham. I assume the Supreme means it has tomatoes and lettuce on it? Incorrect.

Sean Cullen. It's shaped like Diana Ross. Good answer. I'm going to give one and a half for that. It's made of solid gold. Right. One of CottageLife.com's tips for buying a used boat is to always check for loose what?

Sean? Teeth. Loose teeth. Yeah. Good idea. Graham? Lips. I hear loose lips are bad on ships.

They sink ships, definitely. Loose lips are terrible for ships. Yeah. That was it. That's the right answer. Three points. Sean? Stools.

Loose stools can be very dangerous. The actual answer is seats, which is close to one kind of stool. So I'll give you half a point for that. According to Transport Canada's boating safety video, what should you never do when you're behind the wheel of a boat or a car? Graham? Watch a boat safety video? Probably a good idea.

You need undivided attention. Sean? Stop singing. You should never sing. Well, I'm on the boat. I'm driving around and it's really fun. I'm on the water. I'm having a good time in my boat.

Fishing for fish in the sea. It's not even a real song. Stop clapping. Stop it. He's playing you like the world's largest fiddle located nearby in Sydney. Like most of you, I've forgotten the question, so I'll repeat it. According to Transport Canada's boating safety video, what should you never do when you're behind the wheel of a boat or a car?

Drink and drive. You should never do that. You shouldn't drink while boating. You should let someone else drive the boat and drink. And that's the firing line, everybody. We are just about at that magical time where our theatre audience picks the winner, but first, here to say that boats give him a sinking feeling, it's man of the land again, Graham Chittenden. Thank you.

I understand the peril that comes with telling people in Cape Breton not to own a boat. But boats are still necessary for some. For livelihood. For maritimers, it's a necessary piece of equipment to provide for your family. But if a boat's not being used as a tool, it's being used by a tool. Stop falling for the romanticism. Everybody always talks about the open sea. Sometimes open is bad.

Open water, open wounds, open wells, open marriages. You're going to die. Take it from me. I'm here because I want to see some of you make the right choices. Sean is here because he'd like to see you buy his boat from him. And if you take the plunge, I've got a name for your new purchase. The see how stupid I am. Thank you.

Graham Chittenden. He's remained consistent throughout this debate. He is anti-boat and he's got some support here at the Savoy. Now, here again to tell us that he welcomes you all aboard his argument that owning a boat is the greatest thing there can be, it's the seaworthy Sean Cullen. Thank you. Boats bring such joy to human beings.

A boat is a perfect place to hide from your troubles. Say, you owe a lot of money. You don't know how you're going to pay your bills. You should never have bought this boat in the first place because you can't afford it. You know what you do? Go out on the boat. No one can collect bill money from you when you're on the boat.

They have to get another boat and chase you in their boat and then link up with your boat, which is hard to do. No one knows where the hell you are when you're on a boat. No one. If you killed a man, go out on the boat. You know how I'm getting to where I'm going in this argument? On a dam boat. Thank you very much. Shyam Cullen.

This audience wants to buy your boat song album. I can tell you that right now, no matter how this break goes, if you release an album of boat songs. Meet me down by the boat, and we'll have a little boat. And we'll jump to the sea, and we'll air you and me. And we'll lie on the waves, and we'll all ride our fay. Bridge songs, and we'll sing them out of boat. Hey! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! This is... Only in Cape Breton can they sing along with a song that doesn't exist. Unbelievable. All right. Audience. Oh, my God. It is up to you to pick a winner.

Graham is already discouraged. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who thinks that Sean's pro-boat bluster buoyed this debate? Sean Cullen. A lot of love. A lot of love for Sean here.

Yeah. And who thinks Graham's anti-boat antics set sail? Graham Chittenden. A wonderful argument on both sides, but the winner of this one is Sean Cullen. Everyone should aspire to own a boat. Big hands for Sean Cullen and Graham Chittenden, everybody.

Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying whatever floats your boat, I hope it's something that floats. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night! The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Graham Clark, Chloe Edbrook, and Dean Jenkinson. Our classic debates are produced by Josh Bailey,

Graham Clark, Katie Ellen Humphries, Nicole Callender and Tracy Rideout. With technical production by Pat Martin and Kenny McDonald. The executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Savoy Theatre in Glace Bay. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.