The Debaters - 1825: Movies are Too Long & Pickleball

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Greg Morton and Kyle Brownrigg get reel when they discuss if long movies are a shortcoming. Then, Deborah Kimmett and Ali Hassan follow through on their arguments when they debate if pickleball is the sport of the future.

Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast.

This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, the joke parade is coming your way from Toronto, home of the Caravan of Festival and Parade, it's the Debaters! The Debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who always floats our boat, Steve Patterson. Hey! Thanks, Graham! Hello, Canada!

Welcome back to The Debaters. We are back here at the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto, a city that is home to many different kinds of wildlife. True. In fact, there's one animal whose population is so out of control that there's a plan to try and shrink their numbers. And it's not raccoons, it's pigeons.

The city is implementing a plan to give pigeons birth control. They are calling it clanned pigeonhood. I didn't even make that up. That's true. Clanned pigeonhood. The medication is in kibble distributed from feeders. Now listen, I get it, pigeons can be irritating, but as a man and a feminist, I have to say I don't agree with this. I think we should be encouraging pigeon vasectomies. Right?

Am I right? If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for those tiny little lovebirds. Anyway, are you ready to meet two debaters who are here to pigeon-toe the line? This is going to be a good one. This comic tried selling burglar alarms but found the market difficult to break into.

It's Ottawa's Kyle Brownray. Come on out, Kyle. There he is. Taking his place at the podium to my left. Hello. Welcome back. Thank you. And this comic just got hired by a sliding door company for an entry-level position. It's America's Got Talent semi-finalist Greg Morton. Welcome back, Mr. Morton.

This is going to be a treat. I know it hasn't started yet, but I think we're already giving this debate two thumbs up. Are movies too long? I recognize the irony of a debate about long movies happening in a theater where we're asking a live audience to sit for more than two hours, while a bunch of hilarious comedians make you convulse with laughter

and possibly trigger your bladder. Sorry, did I just trigger your bladder? It would have been better to stay at home and listen by streaming. Sorry, sorry. I just meant that you're in for a long night. That's all. It's time now for our debaters to relieve themselves. So, whereas attention spans and bladders are only so large, be it resolved that movies are too long.

Greg, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Greg Morton. Movies are too long. Who says movies are too long? Well, my butt, for one. At first, my butt was split on the matter. Until both left and right sides pulled some hamstrings

and got both calves to agree movies are too long. Let's look at the silent film era for just a moment. Okay, that's good, that's good. Films during the silent era were 15 minutes long. Now they've ballooned up to three plus hours.

We have to go back to making movies for the masses and their asses. You know what? I blame the directors. Did you know that the wife of George Lucas, Marsha Lucas, saved Star Wars in the editing room? Then, soon after the divorce,

he was back in there mucking around and adding things, making it longer. Oh, well, what if Greedo shot first and then... No! Just leave it! It's perfect! No, well, what if I added more aliens and everything... Oh! Just stop! We live in a world where people watch movies on their phone.

They can't wait for these big blockbusters to come to the small screen. That's why I propose the two-minute movie. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Join me Luke. Join me on the dark side Gouldy! Red leader to gold leader standing by. Gouldy to red leader standing by. Look out, Porkins. It's a trap. . Yes, go, ho, ho.

Yes, go ahead, young Skywalker. Join me and your father in the dark side of the Force. Do or do not, there is no try. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Greg Morton, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness.

Greg Morton on movies being too long. Fantastic opening argument. Now, on why movies could stand to actually be even longer, according to him, here with a snappy three-and-a-half-hour rebuttal, it's Kyle Browning. Kyle Browning. This probably won't come as a shock to you, but as a gay man, I believe the longer the better.

Listen, movies aren't too long, okay? Not that there's anything wrong with a short movie. Or, I'm sorry, average. But I want a movie with lasting power. You know, I think that movies are a lot like lovemaking in that nobody likes gone in 60 seconds. When you love a story, you want to be immersed in it forever, you know?

The reason why I wanted Harry Potter 7 to be two long movies is the same reason that I don't buy my underwear at Dollarama. Because I want it to last. Long movies are just better. There is nothing that I love more than spending my entire afternoon with a Titanic double VHS box set.

Or for you cinephiles, the Titanic with the big double VHS box set, or for you cinephiles, the Titanic with the big double Vs. Is it that movies are too long, or is it that the second a three-hour movie starts in the movie theater, you have to pee? That's just biology. I understand that. Just watch long movies at home.

You know what I mean? It's much more enjoyable, because then you can pause, take a lap, make a snack, start an uncontained fire, whatever you want. Choose your own adventure. Also, you're telling me that you can't handle a long movie, but you can binge nine straight episodes of Love is Blind on Netflix?

Movies should be long. If you want shorter movies, guess what? They have those. They're called short films. And guess what? Nobody watches those. Seriously, I dare you to name one short filmmaker and no, Danny DeVito does not count. That's it? Okay, thank you.

Kyle Brown, right? Yeah. I think we got ourselves a debate. And it's time to move on to the Bare Knuckle Round. We're talking movies that might be too long, so this topic takes a brave heart and the right stuff if we want to convince movie makers to kick the Hobbit.

We've got to take advantage of this before our chance is gone with the wind. Please, don't Pearl Harbor any resentment towards your host, the Irishman. JFK? Time to drop the Oppenhammer down now. Greg, at the beginning of your debate, you asked, who says movies are too long?

Well, my butt, for one. If your butt speaks and is talking to you, I think it's time to lower the dosage. Well, Kyle, you mentioned the Titanic. Three hours and 15 minutes. The actual boat went faster. Went down faster than the movie. This James Cameron guy,

this guy couldn't make a laxative commercial under three hours. Everything is long. You saw that? The Avatar, the way of the water. I got up to pee four times during that movie. Obviously, Cameron has no idea what the way of the water. I got up to pee four times during that movie. Obviously Cameron has no idea what the way of the water is.

I mean, I do get what you're saying about director George Lucas making Star Wars like longer than it needed to be. But seriously, Lucas is a very short man. You need to give the guy a break. You know what they say, small man, huge movie. Okay, well, you mentioned Oppenheimer. Three hours of a bunch of scientists sitting around talking about quantum physics.

All I'm saying is they should have Closenheimer'd that movie after three minutes. That's what I'm saying. Are you kidding me? So I did the... Round of applause if you went to the Barbenheimer weekend. Round of applause. It was incredible. I loved every second of it.

Yes, we were there for a very, very long time. But I enjoyed myself, and I didn't mind that at the end I owed the movie theater rent. Okay, I don't care. But it was great. Well, you know, that's great. But I think you're proving my point. These movies are too long.

I mean, they put recliners in the movie theaters. Right? I mean, I don't call them recliners. I call them sleep number beds. Because I can barely hear the soundtrack of the movie over the high-pitched whine of the servo motors in the chairs. It's like... Hang on. No, that's not...

Hang on. Do you know, I would say, if anything, you're proving my point, because when you did that two-minute movie, who here wished that that could have been longer, all of those impersonations. That was amazing. All right. Well played.

Well played. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on movies being too long, brought to you by the drive-in theaters that only show movie previews. They're called trailer parks. According to ScreenRant.com,

what film has the distinction of holding the Guinness World Record for longest movie? Greg. The Trials of Donald J. Trump. Oh, God. I hope that one ends soon. Donald J. Trump. Oh, God. I hope that one ends soon. Good point. Two points.

Kyle Brownrigg. Any movie that you watch with your parents and there's an unexpected sex scene. Ha! That's an eternity. The film with the distinction of holding the Guinness World Record for longest movie is The Cure for Insomnia, which is true, and is 87 hours long. Director Martin Scorsese defended his film's long run times by saying, people regularly do what for five hours?

Kyle Brownrigg. They wait for Air Canada flights to take off. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. Seven points. Director Martin Scorsese defended his film's long run times by saying, people regularly sit on the couch and watch something for five hours. Or talk about how bad the Irishman movie was.

I liked it. Then Universal Studios chairperson Stacey Snyder said about this movie, I anticipated it would be long, but not this long. Great. Justin Trudeau's Minority Government. That's a good answer. Four points. Kyle Brownrake.

Okay, I anticipated it would be long, but not this long. Kanye West's career. Also good. Also four points. The movie that Stacey Snyder, then Universal Studios chairperson, was referring to was the King Kong remake in 2005.

What is... What is the name of the app that tells users the best times during a movie to go use the washroom? Kyle. A Disney product called Tinkle Bell. I like that. I like that. I like that, Kyle. Well played.

Eight points. Greg Morton. Kidney crush. Also good. That's a touchdown, seven points. The actual answer is Runpee. Runpee is the app we would also have accepted. Just go in your cup.

And that's the firing line, everybody. Well, we have had a lively one here at the Danforth Music Hall, and it's almost time for our audience to vote. But first, here again with the long and short, minus the short of it, of why movies are not too long, it's Kyle Brownrigg! Long movies are just better. Think about it. You get to spend more time with the booze

that you snuck into the theater. Also, considering the admission and like a small popcorn to a movie these days costs about four to $500, I wanna get my money's worth, you know? There's also so many benefits to movies being longer, especially the boring ones. You probably didn't know this,

but they actually have medicinal properties. They can help you sleep. Who needs pills when you can just pop in Lincoln starring Daniel Day-Lewis? That'll knock you right out. Or where would we be without long movies during airplane travel? How long is a flight to Australia? Like 22 hours? Perfect. That's just enough time to finish one Martin Scorsese film.

Thank you. Kyle Brown, Greg. What a nice, succinct argument on why long movies are A-OK with him. Now, here to remind us that if movies reflect life and life is short, then movies should be too. Let's hear again from the one and only Greg Morton. Movies tell stories. And if it takes longer than three hours to tell a story,

you've been drinking too much. A movie should not take as long as the Eglinton LRT to finish. Watching a good movie should be just like making love to your wife. That's why I came up with the two minute movie. Think of how many movies you could watch in three hours, 90 films in three hours. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Good morning, Vietnam! Christ, Scott, come on, Marty.

It's time to go back to the future. To infinity and beyond! The Dodgers are the 24th and a half! Sunkery! Mark Roy! Mark Roy! Wait, they're gremlins, don't get in the way! Yow! Hello!

Say hello to my little friend. Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road. I don't wanna, I'm afraid. I don't have any courage. Or a brain. Or a heart. What are you? I'm Batman. I am sick and tired of these monkey-fied snakes on this Monday to Friday play.

Yes, my precious. You've got a witch's stole that runs in me, girl. Who wants the precious? You shall not pass. Thank you. Greg Morton. Man, that's a lot of value. That's a lot of value in a few minutes.

Thank you, Greg. All right, audience, it is up to you to decide. By applause, who agreed with Kyle that measuring movies in many minutes means much more movie merit? Kyle Brownrigg. All right. A lot of love. A lot of love.

A lot of love for Kyle. And who agreed with Greg that when it comes to movie length, we need to say so long to too long, Greg Morton. Nice applause on both sides. I've got to give this one to Greg Morton. Movies are too long. Big hand for Greg Morton and Kyle Brownrigg, everybody. You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1.

Want to be a part of the debating action? For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at

in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare. Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we hosted on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Something to prepend on and on. trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities.

Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now. Hey Toronto, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? This comic thinks prisoners should have their mug shots on their own coffee cups. Welcome Toronto's Deborah Kimmett! One of our favorites, Deborah. Hello. Taking her spot to my right.

Hello, hello, Steve. How are you? Hi, Deb. Welcome back. Thank you, thank you. And this comic's dreams of joining an Olympic bobsled team To my right. Hello, hello Steve. How are you? Hi Deb. Welcome back. Thank you, thank you. And this comic's dreams of joining an Olympic bobsled team are totally delusional.

It's CBC Laugh Out Loud's Ali Hassan. Ali! Welcome, brother. Thanks, Steve. Debaters, your topic is one we think you'll have a ball with. Pickleball. Pickleball. Is it the sport of the future?

I'm looking forward to this debate because I will finally find out what pickleball is. I honestly have no idea why people are smacking pickles around. It's confusing. I like a sport with a title that I don't have to think about. Racquetball. Take a racket, you hit a ball. And if I want to upgrade to a food-related racquet sport, there's always squash. But now we'll have a debate that'll pickle your fancy. So whereas it's easy to learn, provides a fun way to exercise, and is only increasing in popularity, be it resolved that pickleball is the sport of the future. Deb, you are arguing for this.

You have two minutes for all the pickleballers out there. Starting now, Deb Kimmett. Pickleball is the sport of the future because people love pickles and they love ball. The thing my opponent will be one short of after this debate. Pickleball is kicking lawn bowling's butt. Toronto Parks and Rec cannot keep up with the demand for courts. We have no housing in the city, but we have court. And what other sport can you start at 9

and be good at by noon? A sport that you don't have to move more than 18 inches in any direction. Because Pickled Ball is all about slowing it down, working on style. You're dinking. Not drinking, Steve, not drinking. It's dinking. You're dinking, you're keeping the ball in the kitchen, up to the net. The ideal dink has to have the proper angle. Yeah, I'm talking a secret language.

That makes it a sport. It's not just badminton with noise. Oh, I see the kid there, rolling your eyes. Like I'm pathetic. Oh, like you do burpees all day long. No, you get high and it takes eight hours for you to play one game of disc golf. So shut your mouth, okay?

Because I think you young people put down pickleball because you hate seeing older people enjoy themselves. You're jealous. That's why the young people are now sneaking into the court times. That's why the courts in Toronto are not checking for ID. You have to prove you're 60. But a true pickler waits her turn man, because this sport is here to stay. Thank you. Yeah! Damn it! Yeah!

Getting our Danforth crowd riled up! Now, putting his opposite spin on the pickleball argument, it's Ali Hassan! Look, you all know the stereotype of the CBC listener. Young, diverse, offensively wealthy.

So you young bucks probably hadn't even heard of pickleball until now. But one day, some old weirdo in an alleyway is going to be holding a wiffle ball in a paddle and he's gonna say, Psst, kid, you wanna try some of this? And you say, no, dammit. You say no, because pickleball is a liar. Promoted as a fun, laid-back sport, welcoming to all abilities. Yeah? Well, medical costs of pickleball injuries in the U.S. were nearly $300 million last year. That's $5 billion Canadian dollars.

Pickleball is a thief. It claims to use elements of tennis, ping pong, and badminton, then just call it ten-pong-minton and stop with all the fraudulence. Pickleball is noisy. A man in Chilliwack, BC, threatened to go on a hunger strike because of the noise from the court beside his house. It was more of an intermittent fast, but still. Now, this debate suggests that pickleball is the sport of the future.

Folks, you cannot seriously be telling me that the sport of the future includes something called a dink shot. Also, the players are all over 65. They're not gonna be around in the future. I just... Friends, there are two things soaring in popularity with the seniors. Pickleball and STIs. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's enough with all the dinks and the pickles and the balls already, you perverts. Let us return to the safety and serenity of tobogganing with the grandkids. Thank you, Steve. Ali Hassan! We've got ourselves a debate. It's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round.

We're debating whether pickleball is the sport of the future. So double hit your opponent, but don't go over the line with any underhanded jokes. Maybe stick to backhanding their open face while serving up laughs. The ball's in your court, starting now. Okay, Ali, I don't know where you say, like,

we're not going to be around. You're, what are you, in your 50s, Ali? You're not exactly... No, that's private information, Dad. How dare you put that out there? You are on 27 CBC shows. There are no secrets because Canada does read. You're confused. I'm in my late 30s.

Please. She's just, she's confused. She's talking crazy right now. And you know what? I really, I think confused is someone who talks about these imaginary STIs. Where do they happen? There's eight women to one man at this age.

He's a dirty, dirty man. I don't know what to tell you. Well, I think it's gonna stay. I think it's gonna stay around. I don't think it's a fad. Do you think it's a fad? I do think it's a fad. Tybo, Bowflex, Bowderrick, and Pickleball. Fads. All of them. Okay, all right. I think that's the bare-knuckle round there.

It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on pickleball brought to you by corruption in pickleball betting. It's the new way of racketeering. According to Joan Pritchard, the wife of pickleball co-creator Joel Pritchard, the game got its name from the pickle boat in rowing. What is a pickle boat? Deb.

The annual booze cruise. I like that answer. Yep, the audience has given you one and a half. Ali. The annual booze cruise. I like that answer. Yep. The audience has given you one and a half. Ali? The Pickle Boat is a group of unwashed rowers who smelled like they were fermenting for a bit, and then they got the incredible name.

I'm gonna give you half a point, because the answer is, a pickle boat is a boat made up of random leftover rowers thrown together on a team and they usually finish last. I'll pick my half point. Right. Yeah. That sounds about right then. Yeah. I guess loser boat was taken. Finish this quote from Colton Underwood,

alumnus of the TV show The Bachelor. I challenge you to find somebody on a pickleball court that's not what? Ali? Going to accept this rose. There's not an overlap between CBC listeners and Bachelor viewers. That's the problem. That's not a bad joke, I'll tell you.

Incorrect. Okay. Deb, chance to steal. What is it again? Finish this quote from Colton Underwood, alumnus of the TV show The Bachelor. I challenge you to find somebody on a pickleball court that's not what? Deb? Gassy.

The audience liked that one. Yeah. That's where the crossover between CBC audiences. Yeah. And not a lot of people know this that are listening. We didn't even give Deb a horn. Oh, that's so true. The actual answer, if anyone remembers the question, I challenge you to find somebody on a pickleball court

that is not smiling. And if you don't believe in the wisdom of an alumnus on a pickleball court that is not smiling? And if you don't believe in the wisdom of an alumnus of the show The Bachelor, who do you go to for knowledge? What is one of the most common injuries in pickleball? Ali. Hurt feelings when your family tells you you suck as a family member.

I'm going to give that four points. That's a four-point answer. Deb Kimmett? STIs from the Aprey Pickleball. Now you're on board. Now you're on board with the STI. Oh, incorrect, but I like both of your answers better than the real one.

Pickleball elbow. Which is so stupid. You can't just take your sport and say elbow after it. And it's an injury. That's the firing line, everybody. We are getting close to that magical time when our Danforth Music Hall audience places their votes. But first, here again to tell us why he thinks any movement that rallies support for pickleball is strictly out of bounds, let's hear again from Ali Hassan. There's an elephant in the room right now, and it's called tennis. What about all the tennis players bullied

and pushed out of their courts to make room for these pickleball addicts? Will no one think of the tennis players? Three people will. And that's what I've got in my corner right now. You know, apparently Will Smith is a fan of pickleball. He does it mostly to work on his back hand. Folks...

Now, listen, I know what you're thinking. You're like, Ali, what about all the other great sports named after preserves? Like chutney hockey and marmalade-o-ball and sauerkraut mintin. Folks, this is gonna blow your mind. Those don't exist and neither should pickleball. Thank you. All right. Ali Hassan. Yeah. That's a strong closing argument.

Now, here to cross-court the audience's favor in service of pickleball, it's the one and only Deb Kimmett. What is this sound? Misshot. What is this sound? Missed shot. That is the beautiful sound of a wooden paddle whacking a hard plastic ball. In fact, let's all do it together.

Let's all do this. And if you can't do that, go... Everybody. Oh, that's a beautiful sound. And it's the way it will sound in the future if we all play it. And it'll be like garlic breath. It's not bad if everybody has some. So have some pickleball. Have some fun.

Hear the sound of the future. Thank you. Deb Kimmett! All right! Deb Kimmett! With a little audience participation. And man, that looked funny from up here, I gotta be honest with you.

Audience, it is up to you to decide by applause who felt that Deborah's pro pickleball pronouncements had the best net result. Deb Kimmett. Wow. Woo. All right, that is a big response for Deb. And who felt that Ali's hilarious anti-Pickleball ribbings

were real rib picklers? Ali Hassan. It's close. It's respectable. But I got to give this one to Deb Kimmett. Pickleball is the sport of the future. Big hand for Deb Kimmett and Ali Hassan, everybody. Well, that's all for this week.

I'm Steve Patterson saying to all our Pickleball enthusiast listeners, I hope it keeps gherkin' for you. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones.

Technical production by James Perella and Todd Reimer. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.