The Debaters - 1827: Law & Order & Learn a New Language

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Is Law & Order the greatest TV show of all time? With the recent release of Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent, Kate Davis and Sean Cullen are taking this series to court. Then, Hunter Colli...ns and Marito Lopez are sharp-tongued when they debate the current ease of learning a new language.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast.
Starting point is 00:00:43 This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, it's time for a real spectator sport. From the home of the Spectator newspaper in Hamilton, Ontario, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's easy to read, Steve Patterson. Hello Canada! Thanks Graham. Welcome back to The Debaters everybody. We are very happy to be here in Hamilton, Ontario.
Starting point is 00:01:38 Hamilton. A city that has a lot of culinary flair. In fact, it's home to the famed Roma Pizza. A pizzeria that has been around for 71 years, which, if I'm not mistaken, is longer than the original Roman Empire was. What makes Roma Pizza's slab pizza unique is that it does not contain any cheese. Curious. So clearly, it's a favorite with vegans
Starting point is 00:02:12 and people who don't like cheese on pizza. And like Rome, Roma Pizza better be on guard because you never know when little Caesar will show up. Now it's time to meet two debaters who always deliver in under 30 minutes. This is going to be a good one. This comic thinks the makers of the best board game list are utterly clueless.
Starting point is 00:02:35 It's Toronto's Kate Davis. Kate Davis, the funny mummy herself. Always a pleasure to have her taking the place behind the podium to my left. Hi! And when this comic travels abroad as a proud Canadian, he always brings his A-game. Hey, it's Toronto's Sean Cullen, everybody! Sean Cullens! Our friend. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, is this on?
Starting point is 00:03:08 I'm on. Your topic is one that would be a crime to miss. Law and order. Is it the greatest TV show of all time? Interesting fact. Some of you may not know that in 2024, they launched Law & Order Toronto. Personally, I think it's only fair that if they get Law & Order Toronto, you guys should get CSI Hamilton.
Starting point is 00:03:39 Right? It's only fair. And I don't have a lot of range as an actor, but I believe I could play the David Caruso-style detective who investigates actual crimes in your fair city, like the recent illegal mushroom dispensaries that were busted. I would show up at the crime scene and say, looks like this drug kingpin was a real fun guy.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Yay! Yay! Yay! All right. Now, it's time for a debate. That was great. Wasn't that?
Starting point is 00:04:20 Now it's time for a debate that will lay down the law. So, whereas the show and spin-offs have spanned decades offering iconic characters, crimes, and cases, be it resolved that Law & Order is the greatest show of all time. Kate, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Kate Davis.
Starting point is 00:04:41 Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Hamilton. Law & Order is in its 25th season, with seven series spin-offs, which equals 1,386 episodes, or 65 seasons of television. I don't think Sean can win this debate, unless he's a guiding light soap opera fan. I mean, what other show can create drama, tension,
Starting point is 00:05:07 and be instantly recognized from two short sounds? As humans, we love drama, and this show is inspired by real-life events of crime and justice, and in the famous words of Sam Watterson's character, Jack McCoy, the last time its characters, but also uses the show as a platform for social commentary. Like Ice-T's famous quote, lab-found traces of cocaine and sourdough.
Starting point is 00:06:06 They call it sweet chowder. I didn't know that, but now I know what to order when I'm in Brantford. Look, these are their stories, Sean, and it is the greatest show of all time because it has lasted longer than time. Like an entire generation of humans have been inspired to become detectives and lawyers and criminals.
Starting point is 00:06:38 But most importantly for me, it shows strong women like Captain Olivia Benson. Yeah! Part of the most popular law and order spin-off Special Victims Unit. For two decades she's been arresting criminals and saying it like it is. Considering I've been up for 24 hours, I'm not gonna lie, I feel like a stale sandwich of a human being. More like sweet chowder. Thank you, Steve. Kate Davis, bringing up some pretty valid points on behalf of Law & Order, saying it's the greatest show of all time. Now, here with his off-the-cuffs remarks
Starting point is 00:07:25 about how unremarkable Law & Order is, it's our own remarkable Sean Cullen. When I was a child, I mentioned to my father that I liked Campbell's bean with Bacon Soup. And for the next ten years, my father bought exclusively Bean with Bacon Soup whenever he went to the grocery store.
Starting point is 00:07:56 And I ate it. I ate it and I ate it. And I ate it until, wherever I went, people would say, what is that smell? What's that smell, they would say. And I would say, it's me. Because I was forced to release a consistent, minute stream of gas
Starting point is 00:08:23 to release enough pressure so that I could function on a day-to-day basis. It was crippling. Understand me, being with bacon is a fine soup. Beans, broth, a piece of flabby bacon, exquisite culinary delight. Occasionally, habitually consumed. Daily, it becomes a danger to all you love.
Starting point is 00:08:57 And it's also very, very boring. Law and order. Is the bean with bacon soup of television. A can every so often is nice, but don't put a funnel in my mouth and turn on the soup hose. They've tried to shake it up with slightly different situations. Law & SVU. Law & Criminal Intent. Law & Law & Order Transit Squad.
Starting point is 00:09:42 Law & Law & Order Walmart. Law & Law & Transit Squad. Law & Walmart. Law & Fashion Police. Law & Equestrian Crime. They have one great idea, but instead of relishing it and finding a new idea, they give us the same idea over and over again. Can nobody think of anything new? The only good thing about law and order is that at the end, I always get a little laugh
Starting point is 00:10:13 when the producer's name comes up in the credits. Dick Wolf. That's all. Sean Cullen, ladies and gentlemen. It is time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether Law & Order is the greatest TV show of all time. So while you'll have the right to remain silent, your arresting argument should be spoken
Starting point is 00:10:48 in reduced sentences. The winner will be free to walk, while the loser will head backstage for counseling in our own special victims unit. This section is now in session now. Thank you. Look, you can't say all the episodes are the same. They're not because us people, human beings are messed up and it is all based on true crimes. May I just say one thing? Is it bean and bacon soup? No. Listen, there's so many weird things about Law & Order. SVU.
Starting point is 00:11:29 It's annoying because you keep saying SVU, but you mean to say SUV. That's what you want to say. Law & Order, SUV. You want to see a minivan crime. You would rather us listen to Shakespeare or a musical. That's your jam. So just go watch
Starting point is 00:11:47 that and leave Law & Order to the rest of the millions and millions and millions of people who want to watch it. Uh-oh, there's a crime. And it's going to be a really long crime. And we'll talk about it until we figure it out.
Starting point is 00:12:04 And we're in court. Okay. All right. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on law and order brought to you by lawn and order. Lawn and order. We'll handle the seedy undersides of your turf wars. That's actually not bad. Someone should start that business. What version of Law and Order
Starting point is 00:12:36 was the first to be cancelled due to low ratings? Kate? Law and Order Saskatoon. Just tumbleweeds rolling in the wind. Sean. Law and order drive-through. Good try, debaters.
Starting point is 00:13:04 The actual answer is law & Order Trial by Jury. We also would have accepted Law & Order Grimsby, Ontario. Collider.com's list of the ten longest-running crime shows in TV history has the Law & Order franchise at numbers one and two. What's number three? Sean Cullen? The CCTV footage at Jackson Square. What's numbers one and two? What's number three? Sean Cullen?
Starting point is 00:13:25 The CCTV footage at Jackson Square. That is a nice local reference. And listen to Hamilton support their own crime. The actual answer is Gunsmoke. It ran 20 seasons from 1955 to 1975. I know none of you remember the question. U.S. President Joe Biden made an appearance on Law & Order SVU playing what role? Kate. The man who lost his pants. I can see that. Where'd they go?
Starting point is 00:14:13 A weird sidekick for iced tea that dressed as a parrot and followed him around saying hey, sweet chowder. Sweet chowder. Sweet chowder. Four points. The actual answer, U.S. President Joe Biden made an appearance on Law & Order playing Vice President
Starting point is 00:14:39 Joe Biden. That is his acting reign. Singer Taylor Swift is such a big Law & Order Joe Biden, that is his acting reign. Singer Taylor Swift is such a big Law & Order SVU fan, she did what? Sean? Committed murder. Just to be investigated. Kate? She is such a Law & Order fan,
Starting point is 00:15:09 she named her cat Olivia. Yes, yes she did. That is a true answer. That is one official point. We get so few official points on this show. I want to acknowledge that one. She did name her cat Olivia. And that's the firing line, everybody.
Starting point is 00:15:31 It is almost time for our audience vote. But first, here to tell us why, after struggling through an entire evening of endless Law & Order episodes, he needs himself a tall, cool iced tea. Let's hear again from Sean Cullen. Yes. -"Law & Order." I went through a long period where I thought it was a great show.
Starting point is 00:15:54 But after a while, I realized there was something incredibly predictable about it. The more you watch the show, the more you see the formula. There's always this scene. I didn't like the theater. It wasn't good. You couldn't see the actors. You just don't know anything about... Oh, my God!
Starting point is 00:16:15 It's a body! Scene one. The next one that always occurs is the police are just trying to interview people in New York, knock on someone's door, you heard anything last night. Yeah, I got a pot. I'm stirring it. I'm busy. Don't have time to talk to authorities about murder. Slam. And then, the end.
Starting point is 00:16:59 They go to the DA, and they say, we have 10 eyewitnesses, sir. We have a DNA match to the defendant. Selfie taken by the murderer as he's stabbing the victim. And actually, the murderer's out in the lobby waiting right now to tell you he did it. And every time, the DA says,
Starting point is 00:17:18 keep digging. Sean Cullen with a very accurate recap and reasoning why we don't need more Law & Order. Now, here to tell us why immersing herself in the world of this fabled franchise brings Law & Order to her world,
Starting point is 00:17:39 let's hear again from Kate Davis. Thank you, Steve. Look, so many stars have gotten their start on Law & Order. Viola Davis, Bradley Cooper, Felicity Huffman, who also got to act in her own college scandal episode. Sean's just bitter because he is the only actor who hasn't been on the iconic show. In fact, I was just on an episode of Law & Order Toronto
Starting point is 00:18:13 where I played a legal aid lawyer named Amy. Oh yeah, I had two lines. I'm a superstar. Yeah, detectives, I'd like to speak to my client, and I'll be the judge of that. That's the verdict. The verdict's in, Sean. Law & Order truly is the greatest show on Earth.
Starting point is 00:18:37 Thank you, Steve. Kate Davis, on behalf of the Law & Order franchise, Sean Cullen against. Now let's see how the audience here at Hamilton has decided. How many of you thought that Kate was a great parole model for Law & Order? Kate Davis. All right. Some nice love for Kate. And who supported Sean who thinks Law & Order has been out of order for a long time now?
Starting point is 00:19:07 Sean Cullen. Oh. I got to give this one to Sean Cullen. That's enough with the law and order. But we always want more Sean Cullen and Kate Davis, everybody. Thank you. You're listening to The Debaters on CBC Radio 1.
Starting point is 00:19:30 Want to be a part of the debating action? For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said,
Starting point is 00:19:49 there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare. Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially
Starting point is 00:20:15 when I'm traveling with my family. Which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Something to prepend on and on. Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goltar and I have a confession to make. I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and, most of all, true crime podcasts. But sometimes, I just want to know more.
Starting point is 00:20:52 I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast, Crime Story, comes in. Every week, I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Hey, Hamilton,
Starting point is 00:21:13 are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? That is a yes. This comic has written a book about the physical hardships of mountaineering called Climb and Punishment. It's Montreal's Hunter Collins.
Starting point is 00:21:29 Come on out, Hunter. Hunter. Hunter looking ready as usual. Great to be here in the safe, clean city of Hamilton, Ontario. Ingratiating himself to the crowd already. And this comedian bought some pistol-shaped Zippo lighters and came out guns blazing. It's Toronto's Marito Lopez.
Starting point is 00:21:56 Marito Lopez, welcoming him back. Nice to have you back, Marito. Marito, Tony's been doing some work since we last saw him. Your topic is one that we think will have people talking. Learning a new language. Is it easier to do in these modern times? I don't speak a lot of Italian, but I can get by. The word ciao means hello and goodbye, which is confusing.
Starting point is 00:22:27 Even more confusing is the word prego. It means you're welcome, plus you're with child. Plus here's some passable pasta sauce. It's time now for a debate that will speak your language. So, whereas technology today offers a wide range of tools, communication with other learners, and fun games to help with practice, be it resolved, it's never been easier
Starting point is 00:22:52 to learn a new language. Hunter, you arguing for this, please? You have two minutes, starting now, Hunter Collins. We are blessed to live in a hyper-international country. Open your ears. The music of multiculturalism is everywhere. Ain't a day that goes by where I don't get called Wasteman or a stinky Amano.
Starting point is 00:23:22 Literally everybody I cut off in traffic or merely pass gas next to is kind enough to teach me their language Oh, it used to be easier to learn a new language? There was no Duolingo growing up Our language app in the 80s? Flippin' the old cereal box around And that didn't do zilch for teaching you in the 80s, flipping the old cereal box around.
Starting point is 00:23:48 And that didn't do zilch for teaching you how to pronounce the French word for corn flakes. I'm looking at you, anyone who still says, floccans de maist. Cultured friends won't hesitate to help you pronounce certain Vietnamese words. Be like, want to go for pho? They're always like, it's pho, it's pho.
Starting point is 00:24:10 It's not pho, it's pho. Say pho, it's pho. It's not pho, it's pho. It's pho, actually, it's pho. To which I always say, maybe you should go far yourself. We're so exposed to foreign media, unless you got corn cobs in your ears, you can't help but absorb new languages. I always listen to the radio in December, Steve.
Starting point is 00:24:40 I picked this up. Melikiniki naka. That's Merry Christmas in Hawaii talk. I basically speak Hawaiian now. Audiobooks, online courses, language learning opportunities are ubiquitous. Oh, and merito, that means eh, like all over the place, man. Wow. Even in this here can of soda
Starting point is 00:25:13 is an opportunity to learn a new language. See, I speak Hamiltonian now. Gracias, Esteban. Hunter Collins making friends wherever he goes. And it's time now to hear from Marito Lopez to tell us why learning a new language is an entirely foreign concept to him.
Starting point is 00:25:48 It's Marito Lopez! It's never been harder to learn a new language. It's because there's too many tools nowadays that nobody can focus on actually learning. We have people learning French, Mandarin, Italian, Portuguese, all at the same time. People just learn the surface. What people have done to Spanish is a hate crime. I've experienced racism growing up in Alberta. I've been told to go back to Puerto Rico, and I ain't even Puerto Rican. But there's nothing worse than when white people
Starting point is 00:26:45 show me what they learned on Duolingo. And typing, how do you say hello in Spanish in Google is not learning. That's cheating. Maybe if you invited more ethnic friends to your cottage. You can learn a thing or two. I already hate small talk in English, brother. Now you have an app to use my own mother language against me. No me gusta.
Starting point is 00:27:23 Duolingo makes Spanish sound like amateur hour. Right? Like, otra cerveza, por favor. ¿Adónde está el baño? You're not speaking Spanish, you're speaking tourist. I'm not impressed if you learned a language on an app. I learned the old-fashioned way. Drama. Getting yelled at by teachers until I could cry in English.
Starting point is 00:28:03 And you want to know what is impressive, Hamilton? English is my second language. Whoo! And I can speak it fluently. I'm speaking English right now. No pauses, no stutters, no duolingo. I'm the Michael Jordan of English. Semicolon. In that case,
Starting point is 00:28:34 comma, don't waste my time with your amateur Spanish, comma, stupido el gringo. Period. Marino Lopez, everybody. Marino Lopez, in no uncertain terms, is against learning new languages, especially from Duolingo.
Starting point is 00:29:07 So there goes that advertising opportunity for us. It is time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating whether it's never been easier to learn a new language, so go hard right out of the conjugate. There it is. There it is. If you make your argument all shiny
Starting point is 00:29:27 and glamorous you'll send your opponent back to the Rosetta Stone Age So don't do a linger Let's get to this maintenant Monsieur Patterson, mercy buckets Marito, Arriba La Raza Monsieur Patterson, mercy buckets. Marito, Arriba La Raza.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Clearly, clearly I'm a polyglot. That means I got a lot of glots. I'm self-taught. I speak English, French, Spanish, German. To top it off, I'm so Ukrainian, I cabbage roll my R's. So take it from me. Use that Duolingo to teach yourself a new language. You could use Duolingo to learn a useful language like Mandarin or a dying one like French. Go for it.
Starting point is 00:30:18 When Hunter talks Spanish, it's like getting a pierogi when you ordered a taco. Send it back. Of course Hunter knows many languages. If you throw a uniform on him, he looks like he's colonized more countries than the board game Risk. You brought up tacos, Marito. It's interesting.
Starting point is 00:30:44 You know, every menu is a potential language lesson. Gelato, that means frozen in Italian. Kaiten sushi, that's revolving sushi in Japanese. Paella, that's Spanish for burnt rice and you gotta take the tails off your own shrimp still. Steve, permission for an aside. Yeah, well, you've been sticking pretty tight to it, so yes.
Starting point is 00:31:10 Can restaurants take the damn tails off our shrimps already? I'm sick of rooting through a hot bowl of tom yum soup, getting third-degree burns on my fingers like a deranged raccoon finishing to prepare the... If you went to a steakhouse, you would snap if you went to a steakhouse, you would snap if they brought you a steak with a hoof attached to the thing. Okay, all right.
Starting point is 00:31:31 All right. That's the Bare Knuckle Round. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on learning languages, brought to you by one of the forgotten languages, Pig Latin! Pig Latin!
Starting point is 00:31:49 A great linguistic tool, or my name isn't Evastay Addersonpay. Oh, not a lot of Pig Latin speakers. According to Dexway.com's five advantages of language learning apps, the top advantage is that you can adjust the pace and content. The second is that you can choose what? Hunter?
Starting point is 00:32:14 You can choose how quickly you want your bad accent to make the person you're talking to switch to English. Pretty good answer. I like that. Point. Marito? You can talk behind your white friend's backs. Nervous laughter started there. The second advantage is that you can choose where and when to learn.
Starting point is 00:32:41 According to the online newspaper 13stars.eu, three possible disadvantages of being multilingual are frequent brain confusion, feeling alienated from your roots or mother tongue, and what else? Merito Lopez. Forgetting to invite your ethnic friends to the cottage. Somebody please invite me to a cottage this summer.
Starting point is 00:33:11 I see you guys. Many of you look like you have access. Three possible disadvantages of being multilingual are frequent brain confusion, feeling alienated from your roots or mother tongue, and your phone often doesn't understand what you're typing or texting. Yo, phones be dumb as hell, man. Yeah, it's true.
Starting point is 00:33:33 Smart phones are not that smart. Finish this slogan for the language learning software Rosetta Stone. From second language to what? Marito. Second deportation. The actual answer is from second language to second nature. DuoPlanet.com's list of the 100 oddest sentences
Starting point is 00:34:04 generated by Duolingo included, Why is the banana wet? And my horse is not an artist, but an architect. What sentence was number one? Marito. You're treeing up the wrong bark, cowboy. I like that. I like that. Hunter Collins. Welcome to Hamilton, where everybody has all their teeth
Starting point is 00:34:32 and finished high school. Well, technically no points. The sentence that was number one on Duolingo that was generated was, the Loch Ness Monster is drinking whiskey. And that's the firing line, everybody. All right. It is almost time for our fantastic audience to vote. But first, here again to say that learning a language lately is lazy and lacking, let's
Starting point is 00:35:07 hear again from Marito Lopez! Leave Spanish alone. Go do something hard. How's your Mandarin? How's your Arabic? Hit me with that Russian. How do you say no in Ukrainian, Hunter? No means no in all languages.
Starting point is 00:35:32 No. But in conclusion, it is harder to learn a new language, but it is even easier to culturally appropriate. Google Translate, Duolingo, that's the internet's version of a white girl with dreads. Muchas gracias, Steve. Marisa Lopez says no in any language to learning a new language.
Starting point is 00:36:03 Now, here to tell us why he's not one to languish with just one language, let's hear again for Hamilton's best friend, Hunter Collins. Konichiwa, Kimo-sabis. Let me finito by saying that apprendre une nouvelle lingua est plus facile. Duh. Let me finito by saying that apprendre a nova lingua is mas facile. Duh.
Starting point is 00:36:32 Quit schwitzing and kvetching. Say adios to being a schlub and say ni hao to chutzpah, ya mensch. Paranese forlaniqua es cabre topafarnuti. You know what that means? It's gibberish, but I made it up. You slack-jawed Hamilton sweat hogs would have known that if you did anything besides sneak rev into your slurpees at the Ticats game.
Starting point is 00:37:10 Bottom line, if you think it's never been harder to learn a new language, it's just because you've never been dumber. Donka, Steven. Hunter Collins, everybody. Multilingual. Funny in all languages. Forgiving in none. Hunter Collins. Alright everybody, it is up to you to decide who the winner of this one is. By applause, who followed Marito's Less Languages libretto word for word?
Starting point is 00:37:38 Marito Lopez. Alright, a lot of love for Marito. He's showing off the guns. He feels like he's got this one. And who supported Hunter's addiction to learning a new language, Hunter Collins? Well, the audience has spoken. The winner is Marito Lopez. One language is plenty.
Starting point is 00:38:03 Big hand for Marito Lopez at Hunter College, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to all our multilingual listeners, thank you, merci, grazie, and also thank you in other languages. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark.
Starting point is 00:38:35 With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Todd Reimer. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the McIntyre Performing Arts Centre in Hamilton. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.