The Debaters - 1828: After-School Jobs & Cousins

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Joe Pillitteri and Courtney Gilmour’s arguments are anything but uniform when they decide if every kid should have an after-school job. Then, can you have too many cousins? Arthur Simeon and Jackie Pirico decide if it's all relative.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Something to prepend on and on. This is a CBC podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash the debaters. And thanks for listening to the CBC. Hey Canada, we're here to bring some thrillage to the village. From Hamilton, home of Hess Village, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner.

Now here's a man who's a village people person, Steve Patterson. Hey, thanks Graham Clark. Hello Canada. Welcome back to The Debaters. We are here in hearty, lovely Hamilton, Ontario. Yes, listen to that. A city bursting with natural beauty. Radio listeners throughout Canada might not know that Hamilton's nickname is the City of Waterfalls.

Did you know that? Hamilton has the most waterfalls of any city in the world with 156. Way to go Hamilton. Niagara only has three. I think that your new official nickname, Hamilton City of Waterfalls, is way better than the unofficial one that I heard growing up. Hamilton, Ontario's armpit.

And I don't think that's fair. Exactly. Boo! It was people from London. Get them. Maybe some of you have even taken the opportunity to shower in those falls. Well, if you're going to sing in the shower, why not?

Oskiwiwi! Oskiwiwi! Holy natural, tires, here we are! Yes! You just did that, you couldn't help yourself! That's the Hamilton song, isn't it? But please do be sure to cover up that Oskiwiwi if you're showering in the falls. Now, it's time to meet two debaters we think you'll really fall for. This comic tried to socialize with a curling team but couldn't get to their inner circle.

It's Niagara on the Lakes's Joe Pilateri! Joe Pilateri, a favorite here in the region, making his way behind the podium to my left. Hello, Steve. Hi, Joe. Welcome. And this comic assumes that Shakespeare's lawyers had all been called to the bard. It's Kitchener's Courtney Gilmore! Courtney Gilmore! One of our favorites coming back, taking her place behind the podium to my right.

Hi, Sue. Your topic is one that you'll have to work for. After-school jobs. Should every kid have one? I do think it would be nice if more kids had a paper route these days, but that would require more people having actual newspapers delivered to their mailbox, not just online subscriptions delivered to their inbox. Although personally, I would love the job of being an online newspaper delivery boy. Type in some email addresses, hit send, workday done.

Time now for a debate that will really deliver. So, whereas it teaches responsibility, money management, and life skills, be it resolved, every kid needs an after-school job. Joe, you are arguing for this, please, my friend. You have two minutes. Starting now, Joe Pilateri. I grew up on a farm in Niagara-on-the-Lake, and I had an after-school job.

And when you work on a farm, you have an after-school job. Sometimes you have a before-school job. And often I had a during school job, Steve. Look at me now. Hamilton comedy on a Tuesday night. It's amazing. Let me ask a question. If kids didn't have an after school job, what would they be doing? I've got a 19 year old son and he walks around looking like he's lost in a hardware store most of the time. I can't understand why this demographic is so important to advertisers. The guy's got no money. He can't spend money on anything.

He needs tasks. He needs something to do. And here's the other thing. Having an after-school job today is much safer than it used to be. Much safer. I hear kids talking about Wimmis meetings and safety. I grew up on a family farm. You know what my job was at 12 years old? It was dumping pesticide

into a mixing tank while my father stirred it with his arm. My father's never been bit on the right arm by a mosquito, and he has no idea why. It's time to start worrying less about our kids' fragile egos and these silly child labor laws

that everyone keeps talking about. And let the parents start enjoying their lives without their kids firmly attached to their umbilical cord. It's time to go to work, kids. Thank you, kids. Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Joe Pilateri says it's time to go to work, kids.

He points out that jobs are safer now. You don't have to stir pesticide with your arm anymore. Now, using her free time here to pick up the slack against after-school jobs, let's hear from one of the hardest-working comics in Canada, Courtney Gilmore! Thank you, Steve. Steve, Hamilton, have you spoken to a teenager recently? They're terrifying. Have you spoken to a teenager recently?

They're terrifying. If you think zit-riddled minors with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex can be trusted in the workplace, try getting your ears pierced at Claire's by a 17-year-old who just got dumped by her boyfriend on Snapchat. No, no thank you. What parent... What parent wants their kid to be as stressed out as they are? Only one person at the dinner table

should be so exhausted and agitated that they sigh 100 times and say things like, bring me my whiskey, I've had a long day, and it shouldn't be your little brother Kyle. Kids don't need a job to find money, Joe. I had a friend in middle school who sold portable fans from the dollar store at recess for $15 each. They were $5 at the dollar store.

A real entrepreneur makes time during the day. Joe, if you just want your kids out of the house to have their fragile egos shattered, that's what grandparents are for. Real-life lessons don't come from after-school jobs. They come from after-school TV shows. When I was growing up, the hours of 4 to 7 p.m. were best spent watching quality programs

like Full House and Saved by the Bell, where we were taught the importance of not talking to strangers or overdosing on caffeine pills. Both things I'd be doing if I had been working at Arby's. Thank you. Courtney Gilmore says no to after-school jobs. It is time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether every kid needs an after

school job. So at a minimum wage war on your opponent and the audience will compensate you with laughter and prove your jokes aren't just entry level. They work over time. You're both on the clock, starting now. Joe, you said your 19-year-old needs tasks to keep his mind and body occupied? Hmm. What could a 19-year-old with a valid Ontario ID do to keep their mind and body occupied. I wonder. If you're suggesting that my son's a loser, you're wrong.

He's like his old man, Courtney. I had so much fun at my first year of university, just like he did in his first year at Queen's. Had so much fun, in fact, that they asked him to come back and take a couple of courses in the summer. He also happens to be the same person who asked to borrow $1,100 for a phone. You know what would happen if I asked my dad to borrow $1,100 for a phone when I was 19? Collectively, my parents' vehicles weren't worth $1,100.

Look, Joe, we're all happy for you that you spent your youth contaminating people with pesticides, but look, I believe that in this scary world, kids should keep their innocence as long as possible. Leave them where they belong. Smoking cigarettes in an empty playground. Falling in love., accidentally summoning Satan.

You know. All right, that's the bare-knuckle round. These are good points. Good points on each side. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions about after-school jobs brought to you by the late founder of Apple Steve Jobs

He made his millions after quitting school. So really his nickname was after-school jobs Very well family.com says there are four signs that a teen is ready for a job good time management Strong communication skills willingness to be a team player, and what else? Courtney. Learning how to use deodorant. Two points for that one. Joe Pelletier. To be able to use your phone covertly while you're supposed to be working. Got some applause there. That's three and a half points in this room. Well done. All of those things, because I'm not going to repeat it again, plus a sense of commitment and follow-through.

Also, a desire to buy things that their parents don't desire to buy for them. According to People magazine, at the age of eight, what was exercise guru Richard Simmons doing as an after-school job? Selling home perm kits, and he got to keep whatever he didn't sell. Good answer.

Good answer. Four and a half points for Joe on that one. He sold, uh, he sold pralines on the street corners of New Orleans. Take that information and try to use it somewhere. Familyeducation.com says that teens who try to balance school and work often sacrifice sleep, exercise, and what else? Courtney.

Chickens. Sacrifice chickens? All right. Audience is with you. Courtney. Chickens. Sacrifice chickens? Yeah. All right. Audience is with you, five points. Joe. The ability to keep a straight face

while telling people that the ice cap machine is broken at Timmy's. Like that, that one speaks to me. Four and three quarters points. Teens who try to balance schoolwork and work often sacrifice sleep, exercise, and time with family. Ah, puke. That's the firing line, everybody. Moving right along.

It is almost time for our audience vote. But first, here again with another after school of thought against after school jobs, let's hear again from Courtney Gilmore. You know, all my friends had jobs in high school. And guess what? They still can't afford houses. It doesn't matter.

And you know what? Teens are inefficient. Hamilton, do you think that Tim Horton's founder, Ron Joyce, would want the legacy of this great Canadian establishment to be disrespected by some sloth-like kid at the drive-through whose eyes are more glazed than the old fashions? We need grown adults with anxiety and OCD who have seen the real world and have something to prove.

They're bitter, jaded, scared of climate change, but damn it, they have a mortgage and two ungrateful kids to go home to. So they will get you your apple fritter the way Tim Horton intended, with the fakest smile you've ever seen, wrinkles in their forehead, and on time. Thank you. Courtney Gilmore with a passionate argument against after-school jobs. Now, here to after-school his opponent on the benefits of after-school jobs, let's hear again from Joe Pilateri. Courtney, kids need jobs. I've got two daughters that have the travel bug, but they don't have jobs.

The only money they have access to is their depleted First Communion cash envelope from 12 years ago. When I was a teenager working on the farm, minimum wage was kind of like a unicorn. You heard about it, but you never saw it. Today, minimum wage is $75,000 a year with stock options. It's not that bad. No time for excuses, Courtney.

It's time for the kids to go to work. Joe Pilatieri says kids gotta work. Courtney Gilmore says the opposite, and it is up to our Hamilton audience to decide. By applause, who liked the way that Courtney worked her anti-after-school job jabs the best? Courtney Gilmore. Okay, all right.

Nice love for Courtney here. And who thought that Joe's after-school job market musings were more on the money? Joe Pilatieri. Well, sorry Courtney. The audience has spoken. It's time to send those kids to work. The winner is Joe Pilateri. Big hands for Joe Pilateri and Courtney Gilmore, everybody.

Hey, Debaters fans. For bonus content, be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. And now we're changing locations from Hamilton to the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling is great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch, like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be or not to be. Anyway, my point, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road And I feel like I'm not alone in this Especially when I'm traveling with my family Which got me thinking, when we're on the road Our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers too If we host it on Airbnb It just makes sense

Actually, it makes dollars And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Something to prepend on and on. Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goltar, and I have a confession to make. I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and, most of all, true crime podcasts.

But sometimes, I just want to know more. I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast Crime Story comes in. Every week, I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Welcome back to The Debaters. It is great to be back here in the beautiful Danforth Music Hall in Toronto. Yeah, listen to that. A city where people like to doll up their homes.

Speaking of which, there's a house near here in the Leslieville neighborhood called the Doll House, which sounds like a house the size of Barbie's dream home, but it's actually a full-sized house covered in dolls, stuffed animals, and toys. True story. I can't imagine what it would be like if these people ever had to move, but I bet they'd have to use a dolly. There it is, the first grown. That is a new record for us. Now, it's time to meet two debaters who are all dolled up with somewhere to go. This comic thinks that opening a pub in a basement

is setting the bar too low. It's Toronto's own Arthur Simeon! Arthur Simeon! Arthur Simeon! One of our favorites, making his way to the podium to my right. Heist-y. When this comic ruined her Chewbacca-shaped cookies, she said, well, I guess that's the way the Wookie crumbles.

Let's welcome our first time, but it won't be the last on debaters, Jackie Pirico! Jackie! Oh my goodness. Welcome. Thank you so much. Great to be here, thank you. Your topic is one that we think you'll relate to.

Cousins. Can you have too many? I haven't actually explored my extended family tree, mainly because I don't want to find out if my mom and dad were cousins, and that might explain the twitch sometimes in my left eye. But earlier this year, actor Kevin Bacon and his wife, Kira Sedgwick, found out they are actually distant cousins. This is a true story, which is weird because according to six degrees of Kevin Bacon, we're all related to him somehow. That shouldn't be that surprising.

You know what's even more surprising? One celebrity that Kevin Bacon is not related to? John Hamm. Isn't that weird? You would think. All right, it's time now for a debate that will up the ante until you say uncle. So, whereas they can be strong role models, loyal family members, and even close friends, be it resolved, you can never have too many cousins Arthur you are arguing for this please you have two minutes starting now Arthur Simeon thank you Steve I have over 150 first cousins which means my family is very fertile, and I was built to win this debate.

Cousins are the best extended family member. You are loosely related by blood, but you don't have to live together or communicate unless you need each other. They don't have the authority of aunts, the creepiness of uncles, the expensiveness of nephews and nieces, or the smell of grandparents. Cousins are a great way of judging whom of your parents siblings settled in marriage and ruined the family genetics. Ugly cousins

serve as a warning to your generation to only procreate with tens and not the likes of Uncle Steve or Aunt Lillian. Do you understand? No task is too much when you have cousins. You always have someone to help you move. I have electricians, plumbers, doctors, bankers, farmers, tailors, conspiracy theorists, and criminals all on speed dial. Many of the people in prison simply didn't have enough cousins

to help them hide the body and provide an airtight alibi. Many cousins mean you can never be the worst member of the family. There's always a cousin that you can point to and say, at least I'm not Graham who's delinquent on several child support payments to five different women. In some cultures, cousins are actually marriage material, which is not exactly a positive thing for you, but we shouldn't shame the British for their customs.

Thank you very much. Arthur Simeon saying you can never have too many cousins. Now, here to tell us why the nightmare of too many cousins is the perfect example of cause and effect, or in her words, cousin effect. Let's hear from Jackie Pyrrhicco. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Steve. I'm here to say you can have too many cousins. I'm an authority on this too. My grandparents had 10 children. Like, they hooked up 10 times. And thanks to their insatiable libido, everyone in my small hometown is my cousin. I couldn't even open Tinder there without breaking the law. And Steve, he mentioned cousins as friends and role models. That's rich.

When you have an entire municipality of cousins, the quality varies. I've got a deadbeat cousin living on my couch as we speak. Oh, sorry, that reminds me. I promised. Shout out to Jeff. But there's one thing worse than a deadbeat cousin, and it's a successful cousin, like my cousin Michelle,

who is a professional runway model. Don't you hate her? I said, don't you hate her? Yeah. No, that's harsh. That's harsh. I don't hate her. I hate how I feel when I'm standing right beside her. And, look, I don't think of myself normally as some, you know, ugly, disgusting mutant

from the sewer system or anything. Sorry, no support for me on that. All right. I don't normally think of myself as that, but I'll tell you this much. I'm a lot hotter when she ain't around. And it's not even a job. Have you seen models on the runway? I've seen Michelle modeling at Toronto Fashion Week.

Her and all her model friends up there on the fashion dock, right? Just like up and down. And all of them, when they get to the end of that thing, and then they look at the crowd like this. Go to hell. And know what? Michelle is not that special. The only thing that makes her a model is that she's long. That's all you gotta do to be a model is be long. That's all.

Big deal! That's not so special. These models are so long, like Michelle is so long. And she's strong too. She's long and she's strong and lean, probably because she was breastfed, la-di-da. That's hardly fair, is it? Not every other cousin got to get breastfed, did we? Some of us cousins didn't get to get breastfed.

Some of our brothers came along first and essentially trashed the diner. So no, cousins are bad. Thank you. Jackie Pyrrho is anti-cousin. All right, debaters, it is time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating whether or not you can have too many cousins. So it's time to silence all the DNA-sayers

and make more than a distant connection with the audience. Remember, many are called, but ne'er-few are chosen. So it's time to bring your opponent to their niece now. Remember, many are called, but nephew are chosen. So it's time to bring your opponent to their niece now. Jackie, I don't know why you wouldn't enjoy having so many cousins. Like, I enjoy all the holiday gatherings, the Christmas, like everything, it's just so much joy and laughter in the home.

Like, I don't understand why you'd have a problem with that. Oh, um, that sounds really nice, Arthur, for you. My Christmas looks like Mad Max Thunderdome, and our Secret Santa sounds like the New York Stock Exchange. It's not pleasant. That's not my fault. Um, Arthur, you mentioned that your cousins have all of these many varied careers.

That's the problem. These cousins are taking our jobs. I mean, I guess I was wrong. I guess you couldn't be the worst cousin. Let me clarify. I may loathe my cousins, but I'm a good cousin. You mentioned that cousins can, like, be there for you, help you move. It's me helping my cousins move onto my couch.

I'm a very good cousin. Well, if you have a problem with the cousin on your couch, I have a cousin that can help you get rid of that problem. Yeah, we'll probably end it right there. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. Yeah. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions

on cousins brought to you by kissing cousins. Kissing cousins. Which I guess is fine unless you're in Paris because then they're French kissing cousins. Oh! Poof! What term would describe your relationship

to the great-grandchild of your first cousin? Jackie? I think they would be my primary caregiver, I hope. I just don't think I'll have many people around by then. I don't really have much planned. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. Primary caregiver.

Now you're talking CBC's language. Arthur? The term that would describe the relationship is I would be literally dead to them. Jack is way more optimistic than I am. I am not going to meet that child. There's no way. Yeah, so your relationship is just dead, guy.

Yeah. All right. All right. That's fair. That's a point. That's honest. To describe your relationship to the great grandchild of your first cousin, that is, first cousin thrice removed, in case anyone's wondering. According to the 2024 CBC article, Cousins are Disappearing,

is this reshaping the experience of childhood? What is the key factor in the current decline of cousins? Jackie. Healthy boundaries. Audience is given two and a half points. The key factor in the current decline of cousins is more families choosing to have only one child. That's just math right there. Finish this tagline from the 1989 romantic film Cousins, starring Ted Danson. Love at first sight... Arthur?

...is when you go to a place where everybody knows your name. Nice. Nice. Pretty good. Cheers, callback. Incorrect, but I like the singing. One point. Jackie? Do you mind repeating the tagline?

Sure. Love at first sight. But the same grandpa don't make it right. Good, too. Two points. Made it rhyme. Okay. The actual answer is love at first sight, consequences to follow.

Oh, dear. Gross, Ted Danson. That's the firing line, everybody. Thank you. We are getting close to that magical time when our Danforth Music Hall audience places their votes. But first, to tell us why even two cousins is two cousins too many, according to her, it's Jackie Pyrrhicco. Thank you. Like I said, you can have too many cousins, and I'd even say there's too many cousins in general. We must abolish these second and third and thrice removed cousin designations. The dating pool is small

enough as it is. Okay? And my third cousin Ryan has this great head of hair and he works in finance. Shout out Ryan. But you gotta think of your future, come on. You wanna be splitting your inheritance with all these misfits? Why do you wanna battle for resources? I thought my inheritance grooming game was very good until Michelle took Grandma on a luxury cruise for her birthday. My gift certificate to Northern Reflections can't compete with that! I am a comedian in Canada.

I am counting on that windfall. To conclude, if you really want more cousins, Arthur, I'd be more than happy to provide Jeff with directions to your couch. Thank you. Jackie Pyrrhic, though. Too many cousins is too much for her and Michelle's really, really taken a beating in this debate. Now here to tell us why a family tree can't have too many branches according to him, it's the one and only Arthur Simeon.

Too many cousins? No such thing. Cousins are a great cover for all your bull crap. Do you need a day off work? I have a dead cousin. Need to cancel on a potluck? I have a dead cousin's wedding. Spouse asking you who you were with last night? One of my cousins. The shirt that I'm wearing, made by one of my cousins? Without cousins, I'd be naked here tonight. And is that what you really want, Toronto?

This episode of The Debaters will be the most downloaded episode ever because all my cousins are going to tune in to support me. And do you really want to be the people that disappoint them? Some of you, some of you are angry because you have just the one cousin who happens to be a successful surgeon or model or pilot which makes you the runt of the cousin litter, but that's not my fault, okay? Don't take out your mediocrity on me. Take it out on Jackie. Thank you.

Arthur Simeon. With a strong closing argument on not having too many branches. All right, audience, it is up to you. It's time for you to vote. By applause, who agreed with Jackie that when it comes to having too many branches. All right, audience, it is up to you. It's time for you to vote. By applause, who agreed with Jackie that when it comes to having too many cousins, that kinship has already sailed?

Jackie Pirico. Nice response for Jackie. She's drinking it all in. And who agreed with Arthur that when it comes to having too many cousins, you clan if you think you clan. Arthur Simeon. Well, that's it.

He's made us all his cousins tonight. The winner is Arthur Simeon. You can't have too many cousins. Big hand for Arthur Simeon and Jackie Pyrrhicco, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying here's hoping you and all your cousins Enjoyed the show while keeping respectable distance from each other I'll argue with you again soon Canada

Good night The Debaters is created by Richard Seid This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Todd Reimer. Story editing by Gary Jones. A special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride and Emily Ferrier.

Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto and the McIntyre Performing Arts Centre in Hamilton.