The Debaters - 1831: Never Too Late to Get Divorced & Convenience Stores

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Bruce Clark and Clare Belford go their separate ways on whether it’s never too late to get divorced. Then, Graham Clark and Julie Kim avoid knee-jerky reactions when they decide if nothing beats a convenience store.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Something to prepend on and on. This is a CBC podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, get ready for the main event. From the home of Portage and Main in Winnipeg, Manitoba, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and fun in this audience, picks the winner.

Now here's a man who's always streetwise, Steve Patterson. Hey! Hello, Canada! Thanks, Graham! Welcome back to The Debaters. We're here in Winnipeg, of course, a city that thrives on innovation. That wasn't the joke. Just wait. Just wait. In fact, the Glad garbage bag was invented here. Yes! Garbage! Before that, loose garbage used to just blow around all over the place out here. Now, thanks to Glad, full bags of garbage blow around all over the place out here. Now, thanks to GLAAD, full bags of garbage blow around all over the place out here. Three Canadians are credited with inventing the sturdy

household garbage bag. Harry Waselik, Larry Hansen, and Frank Plomp. Obviously, only one of those is the exact sound garbage makes when tossed to the curb. Frank! Plomp! Apparently, back before garbage bags, people would throw their trash onto the main street, which still happens in Flin Flon. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Nothing happens in Flin Flon. It's time to meet a couple of debaters who are ready for some serious trash talk. This comic's jacket once caught fire

and turned into a five-alarm blazer. It's Elmwood's own Bruce Clark! Bruce Clark! One of our very favorites. Taking his place. Hi, Bruce. Welcome back, my friend. Thank you, sir. And this comic's name should ring a bell.

It's Halifax's Claire Belford. Claire Belford. Welcome, Claire. Debaters, your topic is one that you'll have to divide and conquer. Divorce! Is it ever too late to get one? There's a growing trend called grey divorce, which describes people divorcing much later in life. And all those newly single seniors could change the online dating landscape.

The site eHarmony would be replaced with, Ow! Watch the knee! And plenty of fish could be replaced by, Not too many fish left now. In all honesty, I think the best place for seniors to meet is through complaining in the comment section on the CBC website. There are a lot of you out there, and your vocabulary is unfallible. Some are so angry right now that I said unfallible.

My advice to the newly single seniors out there, always bring protection. And by that, I mean a heart monitor and a medic alert bracelet. Time now for a topic that won't feel dated. So, whereas stigma has decreased and no one should settle for an unsatisfying or unhealthy relationship. Be it resolved, it's never too late to get divorced. Bruce, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Bruce Clark. Thank you, Steve. It is never too late to get divorced. My buddy Russ fights with his wife all the time. I told him you'd both be happier if he got divorced. He said, we're staying together for the kids. I said, your kids are 45.

And they're both divorced. According to statistics, financial stress is a common cause of divorce. According to my 65-year-old neighbour, a common cause is women. Now before you get all worked up, my 65-year-old neighbour is a divorced woman, who is now rich and stress-free. Only about 10% of couples over 65 get divorced. That's because by that age, most of the men are dead. What gender is more responsible for divorce, you ask?

Well, let's look at the facts. Lesbian divorce rates are 14%. Yet gay men's rates are only 7%. What does that say? I'll tell you what it says. It says I should have married my buddy Russ. I should have married my buddy Russ. Unlike humans, geese mate for life. They are the Catholics of the sky.

It has to be excruciating. All day the gander's out protecting the goslings and trying to find food, and he gets home from the mate and it's just like, honk, honk, honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk so don't be like the stressed out goose surrounded by bills and endless squawking do what half the population are clamoring to do in their golden years make greasy divorce lawyers rich. Thank you, Steve.

Bruce Clark. Bruce Clark is all for getting divorced later in life. A nice shout-out to his buddy, Russ. Now, here to tell us why gray divorces are a gray area for her, let's hear from Claire Belford. Well, let me start by clarifying. I'm pro-divorce. I'm very divorce positive. I would never interfere with anyone wanting to bail on anything. Because I'm a millennial.

What I'm saying is, get her done. Don't wait. I know a couple that was married for 36 years and then got divorced. 36 years, that's such a long time to put into something and then ultimately quit. Those are my parents, by the way. That's how I know them. Here's another little secret. No one was surprised.

Don't put your divorce off so long that everyone's reaction is, didn't you guys do this already? The only person who was even slightly surprised was my grandmother. Because she's from a generation where if you don't want to be with someone anymore, you just have to outlive them. Which is maybe why she married a man 25 years older. I don't know, that's kind of just God's divorce, really. But my parents, like many, chose to stay together for the kids.

Presumably so we could learn valuable skills, like diffusing the tension at dinner. And concealing our envy of the kids who got two birthdays and a hot stepmom. I was a deadbeat 20-something when mine finally split, and let me tell you, no one tries to buy your love at 25. Nobody asks if you're okay because they just know that you're not. So please, I implore you, don't delay. Divorce today.

Thank you, Steve. Nice. Claire Belford, for first opening argument for us. Alright, it's time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether it's never too late to get divorced. So you need to espouse your beliefs and be on your unmerry way. Don't get all groany and alimony

while you divorcee what you have to say. So set your expectations high, starting now. Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Thank you. Claire, you're obviously a little bit younger than me, and... It's sad because you're so jaded bit younger than me, and... It's sad because you're so jaded already. You know, back in my day...

Back in your day? Back in your day, I couldn't vote. Yes, the good old days. Damn that Nellie McClung! Uh, yes, yes. Sexism from a man in orthotic shoes. See, now you're being ageist. Name one thing old people can't do that young people can do.

One thing, Come on. I don't know. Stand up quickly? That's kind of true. You know, all we do is fight up here. We might as well just get married. Well, as long as we can get divorced first. That seems like a good stopping point, everybody.

That was the bare-knuckle round. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Divorced Later in Life, brought to you by Cheech and Chong's Breakup. No one ever talks about this. Cheech and Chong's breakup. They fought for joint custody. One of my favourites. One of my favourites.

Way to go, writing team. A sociology professor at the University of Western Ontario says one reason baby boomers might be more likely to divorce than other generations is what? Claire? They're on the internet, but they're not savvy enough baby boomers might be more likely to divorce than other generations is what? Claire? They're on the internet, but they're not savvy enough to delete their search histories.

Three points. Bruce, Bruce? I'll agree with that. All right. Never seen you agree with anyone. One reason that baby boomers might be more likely to divorce than other generations is they have more wealth than any generation in history so that it can afford to live in separate households.

Someone just really put the wheels in motion out there. Yeah, I could afford my own house. According to IMDb, the top three movies about divorce are The War of the Roses, Mrs. Doubtfire, and what film comes in at number one? Claire? Debbie Does Dallas? Bruce? The number one divorce film is actually my wedding video.

Can't argue with that. Three points. The number one divorce film, Kramer that. Three points. The number one divorce film, Kramer vs. Kramer. Yeah, you guys remember that. We also would have accepted Braveheart. Scotland's freedom from England. According to the Oprah Daily website, one sign it might be the right time for a divorce is if you and your partner

never what? Bruce. Bathe. Together or just in general? Just in general. I can't argue with that. Three points. Claire.

According to Oprah Daily, it might be time for divorce if you never look under your chair. For, like, dust and stuff. It's really important to split chores equally. That's a good answer. Well presented. I'm going to give you three and a half points.

It might be the right time for a divorce if you and your partner never argue. If you never argue, just going towards one blow up. That's why I start every day by starting an argument with my wife. And that is the firing line, everybody. All right, we are getting close to that magical time when this Jubilee Place theater audience will get to vote. But first, here again to impress us with her staying power on Staying Together, let's hear again from Claire

Belford. For anyone putting off divorce for fear of creating a broken home, consider this. God, I wish I was from a broken home. It's the difference between seeing a crime scene and being in an active hostage situation. If my parents had divorced earlier, I wouldn't be here. Because I'd be a well-adjusted human and not a comedian. My life is proof that I'm right, okay? So what are the risks of staying together too long? a well-adjusted human and not a comedian. My life is proof that I'm right, okay? So what are the risks of staying together too long?

I don't know, maybe you'll have to hear your youngest daughter argue with an old man on national radio. But if my folks were still together, well, then at least they'd be too busy arguing to have their feelings hurt when this episode airs. Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Claire Belfort. Good point.

Makes a strong argument. I'm not sure who she was talking about there, but now here to tell anyone who believes that marriage is till death do you part is divorced from reality. Let's hear again from Bruce Clark. Thank you, Steve. Most divorces happen in the first three to five years of marriage.

That's simply because people still have the energy to go out at night. It's like your cell phone plan. You know there's something better, but it's just way too much work to change it. You look at your partner and you just think, ah, that'll do. And you can't fix it by being complimentary or empathetic. I mean, I told my ex-wife all the time she was just like her mother. That only made things worse for some reason. It might be cheaper to keep her,

but it's never too late to get divorced. Thank you, Steve. Bruce Clark. Bruce Clark says it's never too late to get divorced. Claire Belford, what she's actually saying is get divorced as early as you can. It's really what this breaks down to. And it is time for our audience to vote by applause.

Who thought that Bruce's wise words that went from matrimony to alimony were right on the money? Bruce Clark. Good support. A lot of support for Bruce. And how many of you agreed with Claire and are no longer married to the idea of a later life divorce? Claire Belfort. The audience has spoken in her first debate. The winner is Claire Belfort.

Go ahead and get divorced early. Big hand for Claire Belfort. And Bruce Clark, he's proposing. He's proposing on stage. You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here.

You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us, and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb, too, since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and

friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms. And honestly, we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting, that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show.

Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goltar and I have a confession to make. I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and, most of all, true crime podcasts. But sometimes I just want to know more. I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast Crime Story comes in. Every week I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. I just have one question for you, Winnipeg. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters?

Let's do it. This comic writes all his letters and cards while riding a stationary bike. It's Vancouver's Graham Clark. Graham Clark, I know him. I know that guy. Graham Clark, everybody. Yeah. And when this comic once picked up her repaired car, she had an out-of-body shop experience. It's fellow Vancouverite Julie Kim. Julie Kim. Julie Kim, everyone. Hi, Dave. Hello. Welcome back, Julie. Your topic is one that has a lot in store for you and for us. Convenience stores. Are they important to your neighborhood?

Yeah. Just wanted to let that cough simmer down before we kept going. This is the perfect opportunity for me to pitch my idea of an inconvenience store. It only stocks items that no one really needs or wants, and it's located in the middle of nowhere. Which you think would mean, well, at least there's lots of parking, but no. I would fill the parking lot with old wrecked cars and an obstacle course. That way I know that whichever customers make it into the store must really want what I stock. And then I'd say, it's right there on the top shelf. And no, I don't have a ladder. I'd call it Patterson's choice. And it's not a great idea,

but it's still better than Loblaws. Time now for a debate that will come full circle, Kay. So, whereas they offer longer hours of operation, provide a wide range of services and products, and can be an important staple in any neighborhood, be it resolved, nothing beats a convenience store. Graham, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Graham Clark.

The best day of my life was the day I was at 7-Eleven and my purchase total came to $7.11. Bodega. Corner store. Mini Mart, General Store, Circle K, Max, Quickie Mart, Newsstand, On the Run, Shell. No matter what you call them, they have always been there for us. If you lived in a small town and wanted to see Sister Act on VHS, off to the convenience store you went. Picture this, 1997. The Macarena was letting white people feel like they could dance.

People were wisely making huge investments in Beanie Babies. And a young Graham Clark was told to get the hell out of the house. Where did he go? To the parking lot at the convenience store. My friend Ryan and I would go there exactly at 4.15 p.m. because that's when they were throwing away the old hot dogs. Still to this day, I can't see a retired snowbird's Florida tan without salivating. Not every neighborhood needs to have a shopper's, the soulless juggernaut feeding a certain ghoulish profiteer,

where you become unwittingly an employee checking out your own purchases. Right? A community needs a store where the clerk knows your name and might sell you loose cigarettes and... and won't judge you on the time that you bought four ice cream bars and when you went to lean over to get them, your pants fell down because you weren't wearing a belt.

That's a hypothetical Corner store More like corner stone of society Thank you Graham Clark Ladies and gentlemen Graham Clark On behalf of the Noble Corner Convenience Store Now

Here to whistle while she clerks Let's hear from convenience store. Now, here to whistle while she clerks, let's hear from convenience store critic Julie Kim. Thank you, thank you. Listen, I would never tell you not to shop at a convenience store, but it is called a convenience store because it is convenient to you, the customer. Not the Korean family living above it whose life purpose is to serve customers from morning to night and make their kids work in the store with no bathroom breaks. That was my life. The dark side of the convenience store life is real.

My proximity to junk food made me obese as a child. Yeah, I have a lifelong addiction to chips and chocolate bars. I had multiple rotted teeth extracted before I was five. Yeah, I had daily exposure to tens of people and their germs, got all the colds and flus, and there was a particular thief who stole from the store all the time, and sometimes I even got caught. My parents put me to work as soon as I could walk, and this is the life of an eldest daughter of an immigrant family. You turn five and your parents are like, you're a man now. One of our most stolen items from the store were nude magazines.

Porno, everyone. Yeah, this guy knows. And we didn't have surveillance cameras, so instead, my parents used my eyes. I was a tiny security guard. I didn't even know what I was looking at. I had no sex education. I thought I peed out of my butt till I was 10. Okay, 15. Whatever. One time, I stood there watching a man for half an hour. He was just standing there fixated on one page.

I watched and watched and eventually noticed that there suddenly was a bulge in the front of his pants. I immediately ran to my mom and I said, Mom, that guy's been looking at the magazine for 15 minutes. I think he's going to steal it. And also in his pants, he's trying to steal a chocolate bar. Thank you. Julie Kim, coming at it from a very different perspective. She does not like convenience stores because she grew up literally inside one.

Now we're going to go on to the Bare Knuckle Round. Hot dog! We're debating whether nothing beats a convenience store, so make sure you stay open late during this segment. Don't interrupt if it's nacho turn during this epic snack down. But don't worry, I'll clean up after you. Your groans are energy to me. Anyway, good luck, debaters,

because to win, you'll need a lotto luck, starting now. Thank you. Okay. Now, see, this is the thing. There's a phrase, you see, that says, being like a kid in a candy store, right? Which was literally your life.

The happiest thing you could possibly be, a kid in a candy store. Well, I think it's a little bit different when you have a childhood full of burden. Um... I thought you would like that more, no? Um, all right, let's attack Graham now. Graham.

I'm sorry, but did you say you ate old hot dogs every day? Yeah. Do you know what that does to your body? Oh, yeah. No, they were coerced into that. People were grossed out. What is your favorite part about going to a convenience store? Look, I love the whole experience,

from walking in the door to talking to the clerk. I love it all. But the number one thing is sometimes you'll go kind of into the back of the convenience store, and it's kind of like an archaeological dig, right? It's like a can of beefaroni or something that says, win a trip to the Nagano Olympics, something like that. Okay, well,

would you eat that, Graham? Yes! That's the bare knuckle round. Some strong visuals. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on convenience stores brought to you by the convenience store inside the city morgue. The coroner's door.

Do you hear those groans, Canada? Finish this quote from 7-Eleven founder Joe C. Thompson Jr. Give the customers what? Graham. All the money in the till if they have a weapon. Oh, that's a three-pointer. Julie Kim.

Give the customers type 2 diabetes and keep them coming. Nice support from the diabetes fans in the audience. Give the customers what they want, when, and where they want it. That was the founder of 7-Eleven. A popular convenience store chain in Quebec is Couche-Tard, which translates into English as what? Julie Kim. So I'm kind of taking exception to this

because basically this is a translate from French to English test. Right. Okay, well, I mean, it's very easy also. We all take French in Canada to a certain age, and I've used couche-tard in a phrase multiple times. Yeah.

Voulez-vous couche-tard avec moi? Is that... So close. So close. Damn it! Okay. So close. A couche-tard is the type

who goes to bed late. The English equivalent of night owl. Boring. According to Statista.com, in 2022, what was the number one thing that Canadians went to convenience stores for? Julie. Oh, I've experienced this.

Two hours of small talk with a store clerk who does not give a crap. I will give an official point for that. Yeah. Graham? An alibi. Incorrect. But full point. The actual answer was extreme energy drinks.

Yeah! That's the firing line everybody. Extreme. It's almost time for our extreme Jubilee Place theater audience to pick a winner. But first, here again in a jiffy to turn up the heat lamp on the colossal convenience of convenience stores, let's hear again from Graham Clark. Let's take a second for convenience stores attached to gas stations, right?

Maybe pick up some washer fluid or giant blue Gatorade, and if you're high, make sure you label which is which. Speaking of beverages, it all comes down to this. What matters the most to Winnipeg? It's... Slurpees! Easy win. Easy win, the Slurpee. Winnipeg is the Slurpee capital of the world. And where are you getting them?

Wal-Mart? Canadian Tire? Sears? No! Convenience stores win the day! Yeah! Speaking of wins, do what you know is right with your vote. And with that, I bid you the traditional convenience clerk goodbye.

Hey, you gonna buy that or what? Thank you. Graham Clark! Graham Clark. Appealing to the hometown's emotional cords. You gotta be careful, that's a slurpy slope. Now! All right, I'll take that. Thank you. Thank you. emotional cords. You gotta be careful. That's a slurpy slope. Now, that's... All right, I'll take that.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Graham. Now, let's hear from a debating pro whose con convenience stores. Once again, it's Julie Kim. In closing, I just want to disagree with everything Graham has said,

and I want him to lose the debate. Sure, you might be fooled and charmed by his positivity and affable beard. But just know that he gets to be his easy self because he didn't have to grow up toothless and under-stimulated with a sugar addiction in a cramped apartment above a convenience store sentenced to a childhood of servitude. Remember, okay?

That is privilege. And do we really wanna reward this kind of privilege? Look at him! Oh my God, I like him so much. Stop smiling, Graham! I can't. Stop! All right, whatever, I give up. I don't even care about this debate. Listen, I I know I'm gonna lose. I don't care. I, in my last ditch attempt to bring you over to my side, I'm just gonna say in closing, if you vote for me, you will not be alone. I have got a message of support from the most famous convenience store owner in Canada. Just listen.

Wow, that's a great job, Judy Kim. Appa approve. Okay, see you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! That is real production value there. That is pulling on the heartstrings of the

CBC faithful, I tell you. Well played. Well, let's see what the audience has decided by applause. Who amongst you converted and became 7-11th Day Adventists after hearing Graham's snack-supportive sermon? Graham Clark. Graham Clark. A lot of love for Graham.

A lot of love for Graham. And who agreed with Julie that $15 for a loaf of bread is just not that convenient? Julie Kim. Very close. Good support. Good support on either side, but we got to give this one to Julie Kim down with the convenience stores. Big hands for Julie Kim and Graham Clark, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to all those working at late-night convenience stores, thank you for your service.

We really don't deserve it. I'll argue with you again soon. Canada, good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark, with continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Lloyd Peterson.

Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Jubilee Place Theatre and the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.