The Debaters - 1832: Day at the Beach & Mosquitoes

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

Deborah Kimmett and Myles Anderson make waves when they discuss if there’s no better day than a day at the beach. Then, are mosquitoes the most annoying insect? Pete Zedlacher and Rob Bebenek get under each other’s skin when they take on these bothersome bugs.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Something to prepend on and on. This is a CBC podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash the debaters. And thanks for listening to the CBC. Hey Canada, it's time to stand up for what you believe from everybody's favorite comedy fest, the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner.

Now here's a man who never takes things lying down, Steve Patterson. Hey, thanks Graham Clark. Hi Canada. And welcome back to The Debaters. We're here in marvelous Winnipeg, Manitoba. A place, yes, Winnipeg, Manitoba. A place that loves the arts.

Your city is world renowned for its incredible murals. I hope there's one that features those cute, bushy, tailed rodents. Because myself, I love a strong squirrel mural. Especially if it's outside the city, because then it's a rural squirrel mural. And if there's two of them, you got yourself a plural rural squirrel mural. I'll be honest, I might just paint them myself so I can unfurl the plural rural squirrel mural. Maybe I'll give it a whirl. Now, it's time for two debaters that won't make you hurl. So, this comic has a pile of books about snow removal

and someday plans to plow through it. It's Toronto's Deborah Kimmett. Come on out, Deborah. One of our favourites striding purposely across the stage to my right. Hello, Steve. Hi, Deborah. Welcome back. And this comic tried selling belts door to door, but

buckled under the pressure. It's Victoria's Miles Anderson. Miles Anderson! There he is. Hello. Hi, Miles. Debaters, your topic is one that you're sure to like. Going to the beach.

Is it the greatest day out? Yes. Well, two people here think so. Manitoba is home to many popular beaches, like Grand Beach. Grand Beach. Grand Beach is famous for its large white sand dunes that came from the end of the last ice age, which here in Winnipeg means every February. Across the lake is also Winnipeg Beach. Mmm, Winnipeg Beach. A name almost as original and inspiring as my own city's

Toronto Island. Good work, namers. Time now for a debate that's better lake than never. So, whereas you can't beat the fun and relaxation of the cool breeze, warm sun, and the calming waves, be it resolved, there's no better

day than a day at the beach. Deborah, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Deborah Kimmett. What's up, beaches? That's how people like me who live on the beach talk every single minute of the day. I mean, how can anyone hate the beach? If not for the beach, where would the lake go? And look at my tan. I know, sure, someone like me could get sunstroke, but it's better than a regular stroke. Instead of smelling toast, you smell coconut oil. I live in the beach and my son and I head down there about 5 a.m.

I wear my beach t-shirt and he wears his I'm a son of a beach t-shirt. We walk down the boardwalk sucking on our seven inch... Sorry, I coughed in the wrong place. The two of us... This is a very inappropriate mother-son image. Okay, um... Um, the two of us walk down the boardwalk sucking on our seven-inch cherry freezies. We take pictures of us sitting on the oversized chair that every beach in the world has. He watches the young women play volleyball in their thongs, that bunch of beautiful bums with the dental floss between the crack.

Every mother's dream. I, on the other hand, love to look at the old men looking for spare change with their metal detectors. Still making more than the musicians I dated in the 80s. Then my son goes out and does jet skiing, and I join him, and I call it a colonoscopy. And once in a while, sure, some weird stuff happens on the beach. Like a few months ago,

a dead body just floated up to shore. And don't say, ooh, no. It just proves my point that even dead people love the beach. Thank you. Yeah. Deborah Kimmett, on behalf of A Day at the Beach.

Now, here to turn the tide on the idea of spending an entire day laying on burning sand, let's hear from the always fetching Miles Anderson. I used to think the beach looked nice, but after spending a whole day trudging

in the sand and absorbing solar flares with my bare nipples. I realized it's a scam. The beach is a hostile environment not fit for human life, let alone human vacations. Everything at the beach attacks you. Riptides pull at you, jellyfish sting you, and seagulls steal your french fries only to return them later in liquid form. The beach is covered in sunburnt athletic sociopaths. Just waiting for me to take my shirt off so they can judge my pale shriveled exoskeleton.

I hate being naked. But beach culture, like an HBO drama, demands nudity. The beach is always crowded. There is no such thing as a secluded beach. If there is a secret beach, an Instagram influencer will take a picture of it, and now 7 million people know there's a secret beach, an Instagram influencer will take a picture of it, and now seven million people know there's a secret beach. Everybody's favorite beach activities can be done away from the beach. Did you know there are places where you can jog without having to dodge jellyfish corpses?

Did you know you can throw a frisbee where there aren't 300 people per square foot? Did you know you can build a sand castle in any litter box? The beach isn't even necessary for beach volleyball. Beach volleyball can be played anywhere as long as the players are almost naked. Thank you. Miles Anderson is against a day at the beach. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether nothing beats a day at the beach. So show these boys and gals

how you shall defeat them. Ensure that no one flip flops or you can wave goodbye to a win. No ifs, sand or buts. Do the heavy lifting with your bikinis and when it comes to tanning, make it burn. Let's get this thing going, starting now. You know, Deborah, as a millennial, I can't spend a whole day at the beach. I can't afford the lost productivity. I'm sorry. Steve, is Miles here? I can't see him.

I can hear him. Wouldn't you like a little color in your face, a little sun? I know the only time you get any sun is when your screen is shining back at you, but it's okay to get out in the fresh air. It's called translucent chic. Okay.

Get with the times. So you still take your son to the beach when he's like 35? Yes. Yes. He's the same age as you and he has the saving power of an 11-year-old paper boy.

And you know, I loved him so much when he was a child. and he has the saving power of an 11-year-old paperboy. And you know, I loved him so much when he was a child. I loved the beach. I called him Sandy. And you're called Miles. So what's the story with your mother? Does she just love asphalt so much? Well, Miles is a stage name. My real name is Kilometers. We're in Canada.

Um... Okay, you know what? We'll call it there. That's the Bare Knuckle Round. Deborah Kimmett and Miles Anderson. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on spending a day at the beach, Deborah Kimmett and Miles Anderson. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on spending a day at the beach

brought to you by the great summer cover band, REO Speedo Wagon. Playing all your favorite thongs. In the early 20th century, during the heyday of Manitoba's Grand Beach, Winnipeggers could take advantage of the Moonlight Special. What was the Moonlight Special? Miles.

When you rob tourists on the beach at night. That's a good guess. I'll give a full point for that. Deborah Kimmett. I think I know this one. It's a train that took drunken people to the beach and then brought them back when they were really loaded

and brought them back to Winnipeg. That is ridiculous and absolutely correct. Moonlight Special was a train that took passengers to the beach after dinner and returned them to Winnipeg around midnight. Three of the most annoying beach behaviors, according to Oyster.com's survey of lifeguards, are smoking, littering, and what else?

Miles. Beach hockey. I've never seen it, but it's a great answer. Beach hockey. One point. Deborah Kimmett. Well, one of the most annoying things is when old ladies try not to get their hair wet. You ever seen it? No.

Just like, oh, don't get my hair wet. You ever seen it? No. Just like, oh, don't get my hair wet. It was a great act out, and I feel like I've been there now. Three points. Three of the most annoying speech behaviors, smoking, littering, and parents not paying attention to their children. Right? Come on, parents. We also would have accepted lifeguards answering surveys instead of watching for sharks. Farandaway.com's list of the world's worst beaches includes the shark and crocodile-infested beaches in Darwin, Australia, and the beach in Coal Park, Texas, which is full of what? Miles.

Texans. Good one. It was right there. It was right there, and he took it. Five points, Miles. Deborah Kimmett. Republican Texans. Just a little twist. Just a little twist. I'll give you four and a half.

This is a real close game of hypothetical points. The beach in Cole Park, Texas is full of human waste. And that's the firing line, everybody. It is just about that magical time when our Jubilee Place Theater audience votes. But first, here again to tell all of you beach lovers to go pound sand, let's hear again from Miles Anderson. The only reason to go to the beach is when you want to remind yourself that the beach sucks. Or when you need to liberate Europe. The beach can be a detriment to mental health. Staring too long at the ocean will give you deep existential thoughts

about mortality and your insignificance. I don't want to think about dying. I want to look at my phone and scroll through pictures of secret beaches that nobody else knows about. A whole day at the beach is way too much time. A beach is something you should visit for maybe an hour at a day at the beach. Go visit your grandma for an hour. Thank you.

Miles Anderson. Wow. Oh, you toyed. That was an emotional roller coaster, Miles. Thank you, Miles. Now, to tell us why whenever she hears Miles Anderson's name, all she hears are the words Miles and sand. Let's hear it again from Deborah Kimmett.

What I love about the beach is it melts away all self-consciousness. Oh, I go to the beach all wrapped in towels every inch of me, and then two hours later, I forget the towels, and I'm just walking around like a beached whale, completely ignoring what's going on in the trunk. And like my opponent, I have judged people how they look at the beach, like those people that used to wear those Canadian umbrella flags. Oh, she's got it. Debra's got one.

Oh, yes, I do. I judged people who wore these hats. Oh, yes, I do. I judged people who wore these hats. I thought they were like crocs for your head. That is, until Secret Santa gave me one. This hat is patriotic. The beach is part of us, Canada. It's part of you, Winnipeg.

Thank you, God, for the beach. Deborah Kimmich going all out during her closing argument right into a costume change on a radio show. That is dedication. All right, audience, it is up to you to vote. By applause, who agrees that Deborah should never quit beaching about the beach in a good way? Deborah Kimmett.

Deborah Kimmett. Nice support for Deborah. And who thought that Miles threw some serious shade at spending a day on the beach, Miles Anderson. The audience has spoken. They do not like the visas here. The winner is Miles Anderson. Never mind the day at the beach.

Big hand for Miles Anderson and Deborah Kimmett, everybody. You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content like photos of Deborah Kimmett's beach hat? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome.

There was plenty of room for all of us, and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb, too, since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms. And honestly, we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting, that couple I emceed the wedding for?

Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. Hey there, I'm David Common. If you're like me, there are things you love about living in the GTA and things that drive you absolutely crazy. Every day on This Is Toronto, we connect you to what matters most about life in the GTA and things that drive you absolutely crazy. Every day on This Is Toronto, we connect you to what matters most about life in the GTA, the news you gotta know, and the conversations

your friends will be talking about. Whether you listen on a run through your neighbourhood or while sitting in the parking lot that is the 401, check out This Is Toronto wherever you get your podcasts. Hey Winnipeg, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? This comic wears a watch because he's a product of his own Timex. It's Calgary via Wawa's Pete Zedlacker. There he is. Welcome back, Pete. It's beengary via Wawa's Pete Zedlacker! There he is! Welcome back, Pete!

It's been too long! Hello! And this comic is always up to his neck in laughs. It's Toronto's Rob Bebneck! Come on up, Betsy! There he is! Very calm, cool, and collected. Oh, he's already giving the thumbs down to Pete.

Well, this is a good topic for this place and for these two debaters. It's one that might bug you. Mosquitoes. Are they the most annoying insect? Let's get through it. All right, Pete, no, no, you still got to do the debate, guys. Come back, come back. I'll be honest, whoever's arguing against mosquitoes being annoying in Winnipeg

has their work cut out for them. Because other than potholes, frigid temperatures, and the Jets not winning the Cup yet, there is no more common complaint than Manitoba mosquito mayhem. On the bright side, there are not, as far as I can tell, any mosquitoes in this theatre. So if you are being bitten right now, turn to the person beside you and ask them to stop doing that. Now for a debate that we know won't suck. So, whereas they're loud, cover us with bites, and can ruin any

outdoor activity, be it resolved, mosquitoes are the most annoying insect. Pete, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Pete Zedlacker. Thank you. Thank you so much. So here's a conversation starter. What is the deadliest animal to humans? Is it the hippopotamus, the great white shark, the Canada Revenue Agency? No, the answer, as all Winnipeggers know, is the mosquito, the unofficial provincial bird of Manitoba. Any Canadian who has spent a night camping in our great outdoors knows the siren song of the mosquito.

Here's another conversation starter. Would you rather spend a sleepless night in a tent with a single mosquito or a night in a sold-out hotel hosting a minor league hockey tournament? I'm heading to the Comfort Inn in Brandon, fellas. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm be greeted by the warmth of spring bringing in a new season of tiny Draculas. How hard was life for your foreparents in the old country, those first European settlers who came to Winnipeg starting a new life on the banks of the Red River, barely making it through winter with blankets of snow into the spring with blankets of mosquitoes and think, well, still better than Europe. Canada is our slice of heaven, and mosquitoes are annoying as hell.

Thank you so much. Beats and lacquers. A lot of support for Pete. Now, here to tell us why when someone yells, mosquito, he hears, most cute, oh, it's the adorable Rob Bebnik. Listen, mosquitoes are annoying, sure, but the most annoying insect? I'm not some contrarian who loves mosquitoes,

like, oh, I just love them so much. But to insinuate they're the most annoying insect on earth, they're probably not even top 10. I say probably because I don't know all the insects on earth. I'm not an entomologist, are you Pete? Do you even know what that word is? There's probably five bugs you've never even heard of that are more annoying than mosquitoes. Bot flies lay eggs under your skin. Mosquitoes are soft. Do you know how easy it is to get rid of mosquitoes, campfires, fog, a little bug spray, the sun?

You're somehow inconvenienced by the slowest moving insect on earth? The mosquito has perished. You can't get rid of a cockroach like that. Cockroaches can survive nuclear explosions. They're more resilient than Canadian stand-up comedians. You can buy an electric tennis racket and make a game out of killing mosquitoes while you're drunk at the cottage. Oppenheimer can't get rid of cockroaches.

Ha, ha, ha. Speaking of cottages, what about termites? Termites can systematically dismantle your cottage while you're at work trying to pay off your cottage. Mosquitoes can't dismantle your dreams. What about bedbugs? Yeah. Would anyone in this room prefer bedbugs to mosquitoes?

Has anyone here ever burned their house down to rid themselves of mosquitoes? People have left their spouses for bringing bedbugs into the home. Have mosquitoes ever been cited in divorce proceedings? Bedbugs have ruined more marriages than Canadian stand-up comedians. That is all. Thank you! Rob Devinick, everybody! than Canadian stand-up comedians. That is all. Thank you!

Rob Deppnick, everybody! Yeah! Wow! It is time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether mosquitoes are the most annoying insect. So let me give you two the deets. Get yourself swarmed up to get under your opponent's skin.

This audience is itching to hear from both of you. Are you ready to make some annoys? There will be blood, starting now. Oh, Rob, mosquitoes spread disease. The most common disease they would spread is called malaria. Now, you probably think that's Donald Trump's wife, but it's not. Oh, did the mosquito take a little bit of your blood?

Did it take a little bit of your blood, Pete? Did you lose a little bit of blood? Are you also pro-traffic? How about that? Are you pro... It's like a fish being pro-land. That's what you are right now. Like a parrot being pro-baby shark song. They're annoying.

They're annoying. Is this your debate? Is making baby noises? Did you get a little itchy? Did you get a little itchy? It's like debating Trump, actually. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

If you two were both 50 years older, this would be a presidential debate. Now, come on. Let's go. We need words. I'm not a mosquito fan. You are. You're a fetishist. You know what? Maybe I am. You're making me a mosquito fetishist.

This mosquito-hating... I almost said a word you're not allowed to say on CBC. There are nine-year-olds here. So simmer down. I didn't bring them. All right, that's the bare knuckle round. It's time now for the firing line, everybody. In my hand, I have a list of questions on mosquitoes brought to you by the seven-year itch.

The seven-year itch, what you get when bitten by a married mosquito. One member of every couple laughing at that. Kamarno, Manitoba, about an hour north of Winnipeg, has a great mosquito monument, roadside attraction. Kamarno is a Ukrainian word meaning what? Pete? Future site of a new Tim Hortons. Good guess. I'll give half a point for that.

Rob Bebnik? I actually am Ukrainian, so I know what the word means, and Kamarno actually means a salute to our mosquito overlords. It actually means mosquito infested, so close enough. That's an official point. Besides being a food source for many animals, what other major function do mosquitoes serve?

Rob? Modeling for statues in Kamarno, Manitoba. Nice. Two points for the callback. The other major function that mosquitoes serve is they pollinate flowers. Yeah. Not so annoying, are they?

The city of Winnipeg says its mosquito control policy is implemented based on strategic principles known as IPM. What do the letters IPM stand for? Pete. International House of Pancakes. Muffins. Oh, you really thought that one through, but it's incorrect.

Incorrect. Rob Ebnick. IPM actually stands for I piss on mosquitoes. Incorrect. But the audience has given you three and a half points. That's the level of the crowd. IPM stands for Integrated Pest Management. We also would have accepted Irritating Public Mayhem.

Despite their nickname, Texas mosquitoes are actually what? Rob Bemnick. The Dallas Cowboys. I like that. One and a half. Pete Zedlacker. MAGA mosquitoes. Ha!

Texas mosquitoes are actually crane flies. Crane flies. A lot of people struggling to see where they're going to use this information. That is the firing line, everybody. It is almost time for our beautiful Jubilee Place Theater here in Winnipeg to vote. But first, here again to tell us why

he affectionately refers to mosquitoes as his band of bludders. Let's hear again from Rob Bebnik. Whoo! It is well documented that during peak season, Winnipeg is actually 63% mosquito. Do you hate Winnipeg, Pete? Without mosquitoes, we wouldn't have Jurassic Park.

Do you hate dinosaurs, Pete? You're on about mosquitoes, but you seem to have forgotten about ticks. Have you forgotten about ticks, Pete? You're on about mosquitoes, but you seem to have forgotten about ticks. Have you forgotten about ticks, Pete? Ticks target our beloved dogs. Do you hate dogs, Pete? How many puppies must suffer because of your obvious smear campaign against a mildly inconvenient insect. Mosquitoes are annoying, yeah, I get that. But I'd much rather itch a few bites than spend any more time with this dinosaur-denying,

dog-neglecting, Winnipeg-hating insect sharing the stage with me tonight. Whoo! Rob Bednnik, everybody. Nice hand for Rob. He is arguing on behalf of the noble mosquito. Now, here to tell us why anyone not 100% annoyed with swarms of mosquitoes must have their head in the clouds,

let's hear again from Pete Zedlacker So what have we learned here today? Well, we cannot completely eradicate the mosquito population our ecosystem is too delicate So we have to learn to live with the mosquito and the trick to spending time in Canada's great outdoors is mosquito repellent. And every Canadian has their own favourite. Musk gall, deep woods. For me, it's off. One word, off.

As far as efficiency and effectiveness goes, you just can't beat off. If you go to my hometown of Wawa, Ontario Stop by Young's General Store and get off Get off Canada and get outdoors Pete Zedlacker. Pete Zedlacker against mosquitoes. Rob Bemnick is their defender. Let's see what this Winnipeg audience will decide. By applause, who thought that Pete's

mirth-filled anti-mosquito material was absolutely malarious? Pete Zedlacker. Okay. And who believed in his blood pledge for his winged mosquito friends of Rob Babnick? All right, the crowd has spoken. The winner of this debate for mosquitoes in Winnipeg is Rob Bednick.

Big hand for Rob Bednick and Pete Zetlacker, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to all the mosquitoes out there, this is the summer you should go on that no-blood diet. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night! The Debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode

was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Lloyd Peterson. Story editing by Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Lloyd Peterson. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries,

David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Jubilee Place Theatre and the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.