The Debaters - 1901: Coke vs. Pepsi & Family Doctors

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

It’s the premiere of The Debaters' 19th season and this is one for the bever-ages! Dave Hemstad and Lisa Baker are in Newfoundland trying to burst each other’s bubble when they decide if Coke is superior to Pepsi. Then, are family doctors overrated? Clifton Cremo and Martha Chaves checkup on these medical professionals.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. If you're a frequent traveler like I am, you know that traveling's great. But as a wise young girl with fancy red shoes once said, there's no place like home. That's why when I travel, by myself or with my family, I often book Airbnbs for that homey touch. Like the one I stayed at in Stratford, Ontario recently, where I performed a show and took in some Shakespeare.

Though to be clear, I didn't perform Shakespeare. There's no perchance of that happening. I was not meant to be, or not to be. Anyway, my point is, I like the feeling of home when I'm on the road, and I feel like I'm not alone in this, especially when I'm traveling with my family, which got me thinking, when we're on the road, our house could be a home away from home for fellow travelers, too, if we host it on Airbnb. It just makes sense. Actually, it makes dollars. And those dollars could help pay for our next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Something to prepend on and on. This is a CBC podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, we're thrilled to be here in Cod's country, from the salt cod capital of the world, Newfoundland and Labrador, it's the Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner.

Now here's a man who's hilarious, no ifs, ands, or hallow butts, Steve Patterson! Hey! Thanks, James! Hello, Canada, and welcome back to The Debater. It is always great to be here in St. John's,

a city that has some very valuable real estate. On Patrick Street, in the city's West End, you could purchase yourself a church. True story. According to the real estate ad, it says you could use it for, quote, all sorts of things,

including making it a place of worship. Now, that requires literally no imagination. But I guess you could decide what would be worshipped at the church if you bought it. You could make it a church's chicken. You can't do that. That's sacrilegious. Everyone knows the Lord's favorite chicken is Mary Brown's. Am I right?

Or if not chicken, then maybe a little geezer's pizza. I know, I know. A Burger Kingdom cum. That would probably be it. It is time now to meet two debaters who we really praise. When this comic's Microsoft account crashed, it left him at a loss for word. It's Toronto's Dave Hempstead!

Dave Hempstead taking his place behind the podium to my right. And this comic was advancing her mime career, but then she hit a glass ceiling. It's Newfoundland's own Lisa Baker! Lisa Baker striding purposely across to the left. Your topic is one that you'd think would have been our very first debate, but we've saved it for tonight in Newfoundland. Coke versus Pepsi. Which is the superior soft drink? Now, in case the rest of Canada that's listening out there doesn't know, there used to be a Coca-Cola plant in St. John's, but it closed down. So for years,

there's been only the Pepsi plant here providing refreshment and jobs, which is great, but you can't have a Mentos plant open up anywhere near it. Or you are one earthquake away from the world's biggest Mentos Pepsi volcano. I was hoping that one would really pop. Anyway, let's get to a debate that won't go flat. So, whereas its iconic taste was the first of its kind and has stood the test of time, be it resolved that Coke is superior to Pepsi. Dave, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Good luck. Dave Hempstead.

When I agreed to this debate, I had no idea that Pepsi was so ingrained in your culture or that the Coke factory left. And you're still carrying a grudge. It was 49 years ago. Move on. I don't really have a dog in this fight. I mean, based on the sugar content,

both of these products are just diabetes in this fight. I mean, based on the sugar content, both of these products are just diabetes in a can. But Pepsi is what you get when Coke goes flat. No one orders a rum and Pepsi because Pepsi is for children. All the time you hear, we don't have Coke. Is Pepsi okay? No. We're out of escargot. Would you like a slug? Coca-Cola wanted the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Pepsi lit Michael Jackson's head on fire. Coca-Cola was made with cocaine. Pepsi was made with crystal meth, which explains why you guys like it. They even called it Crystal Pepsi, which is probably a crush flavor out here. Pineapple Crush is available here and nowhere else. a crush flavor out here. Pineapple crush is available here and nowhere else. You don't share it.

Why don't you offer us a pineapple crush instead of screeching us in? Screech is the sound people make when you offer them a Pepsi instead of Coke. Maybe kissing cod's mouths and puffin' arses has wreaked havoc on your taste buds, wha? You kiss all kinds of things you shouldn't out here. So of course you like Pepsi. It's the kissing cousin of Coke.

No wonder Coke left. You know who else left St. John's? The Toronto Maple Leafs farm team. Yeah, because you made them drink Pepsi. Amazingly enough, they now play at the Coca-Cola Center. Yeah, it's like your ex and your best friend hooked up in another city. Coke is better, the end.

Dave Hempstead with an explosive opening argument on behalf of Coke. Now, on behalf of Pepsi, here's the sometimes sweet and bubbly but other times just explosive Lisa Baker. Dave is very brave to be here, arguing in favor of Coke

like a proper skeet hanging around a bus stop at the mall. Look, Pepsi is not just a soft drink in my beautiful home province. It's a lifestyle. To the point that the government implemented a sugar tax to try and reduce consumption. And we told them the same thing we told them when they taxed alcohol to death. You'll never price it what it's worth. We all know red wine goes with beef, but the perfect pairing for a feed of fish and chips

is an ice cold Pepsi. The only time Coke is good is when you dumps rum into it. And at one point, Coke did come with party favours. Pepsi tastes like childhood. I remember going to bingo at the church with Nan when I was a youngster, watching her play 67 bingo cards while sipping from ice-cold tins of Diet Pepsi. She had a diabetes, see? That stopped when they started enforcing the legal gambling age but the memories remain. If you ask someone for a tin of drink they're gonna give you a Pepsi if

they bring anything else they're a mainlander. Pepsi has been our one constant in turbulent times. Nostalgia in a can. It's the thing that ties generations together. It's what we band over at weddings, funerals, and family court appearances. Babies are baptized in it. You can buy it in the formula section of any store. Pepsi wasn't just the choice of a generation for us.

It was the choice of every generation. Unless it's in a plastic bottle. You can throw that in the garbage. Might as well drink Coke. Thank you, Steve. Whoo! Lisa Baker, on behalf of Pepsi, I just have a couple questions. What did you just say? I, um... I was still trying to decipher a skeed.

All right debaters, it is time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating if Coke is better than Pepsi. So the rules are. No collaboration Because this is one for the beverages You go at your opponent with energy and pep, see? I have no doubt that you can both aspartame the beast

That is your opponent Or my name isn't Stevia Patterson that you can both aspartame the beast that is your opponent, or my name isn't Stevia Patterson. Now it's time to have a joke and a smile. Look, Baker, of course you like Pepsi. You're from here. You're part of the same sickness. This place is Jonestown, and Pepsi is your Kool-Aid. Oh!

Bite worms. Oh, wait. Lisa Baker is... She's opening up a Pepsi. Ladies and gentlemen. The more you talk, the more I'm winning. Well, stay out of this, Baker. It has nothing to do with you. Have a Coke and a smile.

I'd rather drink the brine from a bucket of salt beef. Yeah, not known for your dental hygiene out here, hey? Shame they don't give out a toothbrush with every case of Pepsi. Not known for your dental hygiene out here, hey? Shame they don't give out a toothbrush with every case of Pepsi. He's so mean. He is kind of mean sometimes. Why is he being so mean, Steve?

I don't know. I've realized that they're gonna turn against him, so I'm with you. I'm, yeah. Well, we'll see what happens when we go to Shamrock City down on Water Street after this around 10 o'clock if you want to meet us.

Again, I don't know what that means. You people eat fried cod tongues and toutins with molasses and beans for breakfast. Who cares what you drink, you sugar junkies? Pepsi is the cheese whiz of dairy. Oh, now you're going to take shop the cheese whiz? That might be a good place to stop it.

Alright, that was the Bare Knuckle Round. We've got a lively one. We're debating Coke versus Pepsi in St. John's, and Dave is losing. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Coke versus Pepsi brought to you by RC Cola. RC Cola, who lost the Cola Wars so hard

that their actual slogan was, RC Cola, why not? That's their real slogan. In 2019, what significant benchmark did Pepsi hit in Newfoundland? Lisa. 100 confirmed kills. Oh, what are we doing here?

Incorrect, but the sick crowd here loved it. Five points. Well, with all the people I saw puking on George Street last night, I'd say Pepsi's made a lot of benchmarks. What's it at? Three and a half points. In 2019, Pepsi hit the 75 years in Newfoundland mark. Which seems to be longer than Newfoundland

has been part of Canada, if I'm doing the math correct. What long-held rumor about Coke did the New York Times confirm in a 1996 article? Lisa. That it contains birth control pills, but in fairness, that might've just been my house. I had fun in high school. Yeah, yeah.

The long held rumor about Coke that the New York Times confirmed in a 1996 article was that in the late 19th century, it actually contained cocaine. Because cocaine wasn't illegal in Canada, or in the U.S., until 1914. Woo! What did Coca-Cola president Don Keogh say when asked if they made new Coke a failure on purpose to improve sales of Coca-Cola Classic? Lisa Baker.

He said yes, because the only way to sell Coke is to have a grosser alternative. Incorrect, but one point anyway. Dave Hempstead. Well, let me just check my what-did-Don-Kio-say notebook. Turns out he said, yeah, New Coke's crap, but it's still better than Pepsi.

One point for that. No, when asked if they made New Coke a failure on purpose, he said, we're not that smart. In fall 2023, the Newfoundland government confirmed that it had collected $11 million in one year from what cola-related initiative? Dave? They returned all the empties.

Good answer. Two points. Lisa? It was for lamb and Pepsi sales and the George Street Festival. Again, didn't understand it, but two points.

The Newfoundland government confirmed it had collected $11 million in one year from the sugar-sweetened beverage tax, which is 20 cents per liter. Don't even start me on that, Steve. I'm sorry. I don't even know what I just read.

Slate.com says that Pepsi tends to beat Coke in blind taste tests because why? Dave? You can't trust blind people, Steve. Incorrect, Dave. You can't absolutely trust blind people. Lisa? The heightened sense of taste allows us to pick up the subtle hint of mediocrity.

Nope. The answer is because Pepsi is sweeter than Coke. Sweeter than everything. Sweeter than Coke. And that is the firing line, everybody. It is almost time for our holy Heart Theatre audience to vote again. But first, here with another effervescent pep talk, let's hear again from Lisa Baker.

Lisa Baker. Everyone loves Pepsi, except Bill Cosby. Cosby loved Coca-Cola. Sounds like Dave hates Newfoundland but loves Coke and Bill Cosby. Yikes, Dave. Yikes. Pepsi is refreshing, delicious, and combined with Jigs Dinner, the perfect hangover cure. Coke tastes like liquefied cardboard. Pepsi makes you feel like everything is right with the world, like it's 1987, I'm 10 years old,

riding my banana seat bicycle to the store with a note for smokes for me father, and I get to keep the change. They say Coke closed the plant down the island, but the truth is, we ran them off. Go on with your snake oil. Pepsi is bottled right here in St. John's, Newfoundland, not far from where we're standing now. Support local!

Thank you, Steve. Yeah. Lisa Baker. Lisa Baker. Lisa Baker. On behalf of Pepsi, questioning a lot of Dave's choices. All right. Here to answer the coal of the wild,

let's hear again from Dave Amstad. All right. You people settle for less than. You're the only place in the country that is a half hour off. Right? The whole world's cut into hours, and you said, ah, we'll just take a half. Sunday's at 9, 9.30 in Newfoundland and Labrador. You're not even a province by yourself.

Who cares what you like? Pepsi is the Labrador of colas. You guys love coffee cats and knockoffs. Pepsi instead of Coke. Instead of Kleenex, you use your sleeves. Why pay for Magnum PI when you could have Republic of Doyle? Don't worry, you'll get these jokes in 30 minutes.

Look, Coke can't be improved. Even New Coke wasn't better than Coke, and they had the recipe. But who cares what I think? I'm from away. We know. Yeah. Dave Epstad, everybody.

I don't know. Dave Epstad. Audience. It is up to you to decide in one that they don't have stuff to throw at you, Dave. It's all right. It is time to vote, St. John's. By applause, who heard Dave's Coke contribution and thought it's the real thing?

Dave Hempstead. Nice. Some very nice support here in St. John's for David. He's trying to get more. It is not coming. And who listened to Lisa's soda pop patter and decided to catch that Pepsi spirit? Lisa Baker. There it is. The crowd has spoken. They like the Pepsi. They love their Lisa Baker. Lisa Baker is the winner.

Thank you for Lisa Baker and Dave Hempstead, everybody. You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb.

It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus.

And being I'm losing my vision has been hard, but explaining it to other people has been harder. Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now.

Hey St. John's, I have just one question for you. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? I take that as a yes. This comic once licked a set of jumper cables and gave himself a real start. It's Cape Breton's Clifton Cremo. Clifton, there he is, striding out from my right, crossing the stage to take the podium to my left. Hi Clifton. Howdy Steve. Welcome back my friend.

And this comic prefers black bears to their polar opposite. It's Toronto's Martha Chavez! Martha Chavez! There she is. Saying hi to everybody. Welcome back.

Debaters, your topic is one that will be good for what ails ya. Family doctors, are they overrated? I understand this is a bit of a delicate issue to debate in a region where getting and keeping a family doctor is always at the forefront of the news. The topic even became a movie in 2013 called The Grand Seduction. Yeah, about a troubled Newfoundland fishing village that must try to convince a young doctor to move here.

This is the second time that a movie's been made about the shortage of family physicians here. The first time was a James Bond movie called Doctor No. Anyway, time now for a debate that we hope won't test your patience. So, whereas they come with longer wait times, less availability, and are not the only option for health care, be it resolved that family doctors are overrated. Clifton, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes.

Starting now, Clifton Cremo. Steve said it best. They come with longer wait times, less availability, and they're not the only option for health care. Family doctors are overrated. Boom, mic drop. Clifton Cremo, everybody. I know from personal experience that family doctors are overrated

because I'm one of the 12 people in this country that have one. All a family doctor ever wants to do is talk about me being overweight. You know, I could show up with a broken arm, and they'll still be like, well, Clifton, if you didn't have all that weight to fall on it with... And that stuff hurts to hear, you know? From anyone else, those are fighting words. Like, just because you're my family doctor doesn't make you family.

You don't visit a family doctor to get well. You visit a family doctor to get a referral. All a family doctor is qualified to do is call someone who's qualified to do something. They are the mall cop of the healthcare field. My opponent might say something like, a family doctor puts the care in healthcare. That's not what I want. If I had to choose which of the two words was more important, it's health every time.

If I wanted someone to care, I wouldn't call my family doctor. I'd call a therapist who would then tell me to call my family doctor for a referral. Thank you. Okay. Clifton Cremo said family doctors are overrated. And, you know, pretty good point. Family doctors often do just give referrals. And three people liked it, and then there's some angry, I assume, doctors here.

Now, here to prove that she's got her finger on the pulse of the audience in favor of family doctors, let's hear from our own doctor of comedy, Martha Chavez. Well, first of all, let me thank my lucky stars that my boat landed in Canada and not in the USA where they base their healthcare on thoughts and prayers. A quick internet search cannot replace a doctor visit, because googling symptoms or asking your ex who is into crystal healing and oral readings won't magically teleport you to the right clinic.

Imagine you get a mole shaped like the map of Newfoundland. You decide to Google it and I, Dios mio, never Google any mole because you'll think you have Paranguanicatirimiquero, excepcional, and then you're going to take your voluptuous hours to the ER. Now, if you think that waiting for an appointment with a family doctor takes forever, imagine the ER waiting room full of sick people. You stuck in the middle of a symphony of sneezes, coughs, and unexpected sound effects. That's the nine circles of hell of Dante's Inferno. Family doctors provide context, reassurance, human touch.

They refer you to the proper specialist. They can translate doctor's pick into human English. Google tells you it's acute laryngitis. And then the doctor tells you it's a sore throat. Go suck on some fisherman's friend. That is why statistics show that 80% of Canadians have or want a family doctor. Google it. Choosing between having a family doctor or not is like choosing between a foghorn and whispering in the fog.

One gets attention, the other one gets lost in the mist, me son. Thank you very much. London Chavez! All right, St. John's. Time again for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether family doctors are overrated. So, as you examine each other,

be prepared to turn your head and scoff. But remember, you can still make a full recovery if you cover a wide stethoscope of material. Don't be a hypocritic oaf. Let the exploratory probing for laughs start now. Martha, you want me to use Google to figure out that 80% of people want a family doctor but not to figure out what disease is ailing me? Exactly. Exactamundo. Because you can check statistics, but you ain't no doctor. You know, you may think that you have like the Paranguanic catirrhimic or stomagitis flux. And maybe

you don't have that. Maybe all you have is a humongous, earth-shattering, neighbor-scaring, horrible fart. Maybe that's what it is. You don't know, you're not a doctor. You know a lot about farts, Martha? I do, because as a matter of fact, he called me an old fart last night. He said that's why I'm obsessed with this doctor thing.

I said you were an old mart. Oh, okay. All right, that's the Fair Enough Around, everybody. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on family doctors brought to you by the doctor most important to pirates, the firing line. In my hand I have a list of questions on family doctors, brought to you by the doctor most important to pirates, the eye doctor! The dumber the better to me.

According to metamap.ca, a walk-in clinic doctor can perform many of the same services as a family doctor, but the downside is they're usually what? Clifton. More convenient. Downside is that they're more convenient. I see what you're doing there. One point.

Marta. The downside is that they are totally ignorant of who you are. Last time I went to a walk-in clinic, I got diagnosed with two children and a swollen prostate. So... You know? The downside of a walk-in clinic is that they are less familiar with your medical history.

Yeah, yeah. Some people are excited about that. What does the Newfoundland and Labrador Health and Community Services website say you should do if you're without a family doctor? Marta. Kiss a cat or consult a clairvoyant octopus. I do like that answer. Two points. Clifton.

Leave Newfoundland and Labrador. That's fighting words here. No, you should register with Patient Connect Newfoundland, which tries to connect individuals to a primary care provider. We would also have accepted Try Not to Get Hurt. That's the firing line, everybody. It's almost time for our fabulous Holy Heart Theatre audience to pick a winner.

But first, here again with an inclinician to support family doctors, let's hear again from Marta Chavez! Well, you know, sure that waiting for an appointment might take as long as a month of Sundays. But that problem will be solved if we have more family doctors around, not less. After all, when you have no food, do you decide not to buy any food? No, you want more food, you don't want less food.

And I believe that my health should be a partnership between me and my primary health care provider, not between me and a long-haired boy who got his degree from Facebook University. I went for my annual checkup in January, and the doctor told me that in my blood test, they found bacon. Bacon. And, uh... When I told her to stop fat-shaming me, she said, I am not fat-shaming you. I am cholesterol-shaming you. And she sent me to the cardiologist.

Yes. And since then, I lost 30 pounds. My family doctor saved my life. Thank you. Yeah. Martha Chavis. Thank you, Martha's doctor. We need Martha.

Now, here to tell us why having to deal with a family doctor is a bitter pill to swallow, let's hear again from Clifton Cremo. The last time I went to see my family doctor, they told me, you're healthy as a horse. So I was like, a student who earned the highest marks, and they call that student the valedictorian. Every graduating class of med school has a student who earned the lowest marks, and they call that student the family doctorian. I don't want a doctor who knows my family history.

The last thing you want to hear when you're getting a prostate exam is just how much she resembles your father. Thank you very much. Let's take a promo. Getting some healthy laughs. Good points. On behalf of Family Doctors, that's it. It is up to our audience to decide.

By applause, who felt that Martha's favorable Family Doctor dictum arrived just in the clinic of time? Martha Chavez! And who agreed with Clifton that family doctors are just tongue-depressing? We don't need them. Clifton Cremo. This is pretty close. This is pretty close.

But we've got to give this one to Martha Chavez. Keep the family doctors. Big hand for Martha Chavez and Cliff DeCrimo, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to all young people training to be doctors in this country, please stay here. It's a sick place to live. I'll argue with you again soon.

Canada, good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Mark Strong. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries,

Emily Ferrier, and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Holy Heart Theatre in St. John's. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.