The Debaters - 1906: Boston Pizza & Long Weekends

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

There’s no topping Ivan Decker and Maddy Kelly debating Canadian restaurant chain Boston Pizza. Then, Abdul Aziz and John Hastings are weekend warriors when they decide if long weekends are overrated.

Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast.

This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, Arden, you glad we're here? From the Arden Theatre in St. Albert, Alberta, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's ready to step into the limelight. Steve Patterson!

Hey! Thanks, Graham! Hello, Canada! Welcome back to The Debaters. We are here in sensational St. Albert, Alberta, which is just outside of Edmonton. And Edmonton is a place with all sorts of oddities. One such oddity can be found at the government library. A hamburger from 1969 is encased in clear resin in the government library. The burger was originally used as a prop by a politician to lobby for a very important issue.

Better food in the legislature cafeteria. Yeah, that's what they lobbied for. Not better communication between parties or better conditions for citizens, better food for them. The good news is the cafeteria did get better food eventually. The bad news is they haven't necessarily gotten better politicians yet. But now it's time to meet two debaters whose jokes never get old. This comic's jokes always stack the deck. It's Vancouver's Ivan Decker! Come on out here, Ivan!

There he is, taking his place behind the podium to my left. Ivan Decker. And this comic played tic-tac-toe on a canvas and painted herself into a corner. It's Vancouver's Maddie Kelly! Welcome back to Maddie! She's strolling across the stage to my right. Your topic is one that's a slice of something special. We think Boston pizza. Is it the best family restaurant? The first Boston pizza was founded not far from here in a little place called Edmonton in 1964.

True story. Then in 2024, the restaurant chain promised to give away 30,000 free pizzas if the Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup. Unfortunately, as we all know, the Oilers didn't win. But to their credit, Boston Pizza still agreed to give away 30,000 pizzas. Which is nice. That's a nice gesture for everyone, except the poor person who had to deliver those pizzas. On the bright side, the 30-minute or free guarantee was not in play here. So by the time those pizzas are delivered, there's a good chance the Oilers will have won the Stanley Cup. Because it's going to happen. Time now for a debate where we deep dish it out.

So, whereas it's a proudly Canadian chain that offers a reliable and delicious menu and is a staple in communities from coast to coast, be it resolved, Boston Pizza is the best family restaurant. Ivan, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Ivan Decker. Oh, thank you so much. Steve, Maddie, audience, what a great time we're already having. I'm feeling the vibes, and I'm thinking about that question we all think about when things are going well. Where are we going after this? A question that plagues Canadians

having a good time and don't want it to stop. Then out of the darkness, Boston pizza emerges. A family restaurant slash sports bar slash place that is open way too late but still allows children for some reason. the place to go after a sports game win after a sports game loss after a sports game riot you gotta hide somewhere who cares they're open and if you ask real nice they will make you a heart-shaped pizza any time of year. Coincidentally, I also found out while doing a gig on Valentine's Day that on that day that is the only kind of pizza you can get. So if it's just you and a co-worker, get ready for some love.

Never shared a heart-shaped pizza with my wife, but I have shared a heart-shaped pizza with my opening act in Salmon Arm. Another great thing about Boston Pizza is it's dual-purpose built, right? Most locations have a bar on one half and then a restaurant on the other. So you can bring your family for a nice meal and then pretend you have to go to the bathroom

and then sneak over to the other side and do shots like some crazy Mrs. Doubtfire situation. Hey, every time Dad gets back from the bathroom, he gets a little louder. Family restaurants tend to only cater to one member of the family, the children, who don't contribute. Boston Pizza is fun for the whole family, and by whole family, we mean they sell alcohol. Thank you.

Ivan Decker showing some love for Boston Pizza. Ladies and gentlemen. Now, here to tell us why having to say anything good about Boston Pizza just leaves a bad taste in our mouth, let's hear from Maddie Kelly. Listen, the position I've been put in is not a favorable one, right? Here comes this gorgeous, slim girl with perfect hair, great outfit. She's from Vancouver and she's going to come and disparage a restaurant that seems to make Canadians happy. What a snob.

A beautiful one, of course. But guess what, Canada? I am here to tell you, you deserve more from your so-called cultural institutions. Boston pizza sucks! The food is bad! It's somehow over and under salted. The pizza sauce doesn't really stick to the pizza because it seems like they cut it with water to save money. The drink's best quality is their volume.

Also, the best family restaurant? The last time I went to a Boston pizza, it was to watch a UFC fight with my boyfriend who had a snake. There's something really unwholesome about a Boston pizza. If you told someone you saw a fight break out at a Boston pizza, they'd be like, yeah. Boston pizza doesn't feel like it's trying to be good.

You guys, Boston is not known for their pizza. And that brings me to the name. I am sick of Canadian culture using American norms to get people in the door. Do you guys think it would be a cultural institution if it was called Brampton pizza? Stand up for yourself, Canada. The things you are known for are famously bad.

Tim Hortons. Boston Pizza. Trucker protests. Applauding a Nazi in Parliament. Oh, did it not happen? We have to do better. Maddie Kelly on why not only is Boston Pizza not the best, she went all the other way.

Boston Pizza sucks. Great. Can I just say it's great not having to worry about them pulling a sponsorship. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether Boston pizza is the best. So Carbonari, are you ready for me to margarita you the rules? Remember, there's not much room for error, so try to say something mozzarella-levant. That's all I've got for now, but I'm open late.

Oh, for everyone at home, we didn't say Ivan is wearing Boston Pizza merch. He's wearing socks and hoodie. He's dressed like a Boston Pizza fan. And I'm dressed like someone with self-respect. Self-respect is overrated. Where did that get anyone? Listen, I want to address the whole, like, Boston's not known for pizza business. It's actually genius because there's no expectations when I tell you that I'm gonna have pizza from Boston.

If I told you I was gonna serve you a New York pizza, you'd be like, this better be good. But Boston pizza, who cares? It's like if I told you I was going to New York breakdance, you'd be like, this better be good. But if I was like, I'm going to Australian breakdance. Yeah, whatever. I agree, Boston Pizza.

A real case in lowered expectations. You lower the expectations for what dining is, and you lower the expectations of the rest of your evening with the person who suggested going there. I'm also sober. I'm a sober woman. And I challenge you, Ivan Decker, to go to a Boston Pizza and not drink. I mean, I always start out

not drinking. That's the Bare Knuckle Round, everybody. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Boston pizza brought to you by the Boston Pizza Tea Party. Not only do we

cater, we dump your leftovers into the local harbor. Not a lot of history buffs in the crowd here tonight. Finish this Boston Pizza slogan from the 1990s. Come in, sit down, and what? Maddie? Give Mommy a little rest. Well delivered.

Two points for that. Ivan Decker. Come in, sit down, and thank God you're not at Denny's. I didn't know we'd bring Denny's into it. The slogan is, come in, sit down, and enjoy. You can try. Boston Pizza says its founder, Gus Adjiridis, was a Greek immigrant who opened an Italian restaurant in a Canadian city and named it after Boston.

Why? Maddie Kelly? He got confused in sort of a Christopher Columbus-type situation. Good joke. I should have told you. They're not into history. Ivan Decker? He was a big Goodwill hunting fan.

Boy, if you thought that Boston Tea Party joke didn't land. Boss, why did he name it after Boston? Because it was a city he hoped to one day visit. It's just that answer wasn't worth the wait. What is the name of Boston pizza's mascot? Ivan. Zidane O'Chara. Zidane O'Chara.

I like that one. Maddie Kelly. Just a guy named Tyler. Well played. Simplicity, four and a half points. The actual answer is Lionel the Lunch Hungry. That's the firing line, everybody. Oh, that's it.

It is very nearly that magical time for our Arden Theatre audience to vote. But first, here to remind us that the idea that Boston Pizza is a great place to eat is just pepperonious, as far as she's concerned, here again is Maddie Kelly. It's a shame that this show is on the radio because the easiest way to make my point would be to show you photos of the food. Also, it's not cheap. It's like regular price.

And it's so much worse. And like, you're not going to have the leftovers. A leftover Boston pizza could take the paint off the Titanic. I'll give you this. The Bandera bread is good. I like the Bandera bread. But if your main claim to fame is that you managed not to screw up

putting cheese on bread, I don't think that's the flex you think it is. Maddie Kelly. With a nice shout-out at the end. Mostly as a slam, though. Now, here to tell us why he'll proudly eat the whole menu and call it the Boston Marathon. He said that to me backstage.

Let's hear again from Ivan Decker. Stop kidding yourself. At the end of the day, we all want one thing. Comfort and familiarity. Don't pretend like you're some culinary, adventurous person that wants to go to a brand new restaurant that's going to be closed in three weeks and get a bowl

of mindfully pan-seared soybeans for $39 and then pretend it's good. You want to read a menu with adjectives that don't belong in there. Hand-selected tomatoes. Just say tomatoes.

We're going to assume hands were involved in the selection process. Admit what you want. Carbs with cheese and more carbs and meat and salt. Sports memorabilia on the walls. Screens as tall and far as the eye can see. Gambling commercials for your children. They're not trying to hide anything. They're being honest.

Sure, they sell vegetables, but they're like the turn signal on an F-150. You don't have to touch it. And the only people you see using it have been ordered to do so by an authority figure. Thank you. Ivan Decker on behalf of Boston Pizza. Oh, well played, reasonable. All right, let's see how the audience has decided.

By applause, who agreed with Maddie's Boston Pizza antipasti pontifications? Maddie's Boston Pizza antipasti pontifications. Maddie! And how many of you were able to digest Ivan's boasts for Boston Pizza? Ivan! Well, the crowd has spoken. Boston Pizza wins. Ivan Decker takes this one.

Big hand for Ivan Decker and Maddie Kelly, everybody! You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us, and we met lots of locals

in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb, too, since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms, and honestly, we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,

that couple I emceed the wedding for, still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus. And being I'm losing my vision has been hard. But explaining it to other people has been harder.

Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now. I just got one question for you, St. Albert. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that crowd, Canada.

Let's do it. When this comedian was followed by a creepy taxidermist, he called the police to report a stocking stuffer. It's Vancouver's Abdul Aziz. Abdul Aziz taking the stage to my left. Welcome, sir. Hello, Steve. Welcome back.

Always happy to have you. And for this comedian, any room in the house with a spider in it becomes a panic room. It's John Hastings! John Hastings! There he is! Riding across the stage purposely to my right. Thank you, Stephen. All right, debaters.

Your topic is one that we'll get to. Stat! Long weekends. Are they overrated? He said to the group of people who are largely not working anymore. As a comedian, I don't work nine to five, which is great because it means I can avoid rush hour traffic. One recent long weekend, my wife and I decided at the last minute to drive to Quebec from Toronto.

And that gave me time to think of a great idea. Everyone should travel at a different time than me. So here's the plan, hear me out. I will post on social media whenever I'm traveling. And all you have to do, as someone who is not me, is travel at a different time. In turn, I promise to never get a job that will require me to travel at the same time as you. Time now for a debate that's sure to be the time and a half of your life. So, whereas they often end up crammed with plans, traffic, and stress, be it resolved that long weekends are overrated.

Abdul, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes starting now. Abdul Aziz. Abdul Aziz. Since the dawn of time, humanity has toiled under the brutal hand of the ruling class. Taskmasters grinding us under their polished boot while duping us into believing that it's for our own good. Long weekends are another such deception. Just as the ancient pharaohs kept their slaves docile by plying them with beer at solstice celebrations,

so too do our capitalist overlords ply us with Molson every May long weekend, tricking us with the gift of a paltry eight hours of freedom. For the radio audience, I did air quotes. Long weekends are the monkey's paw of corporate capitalist culture, forcing you to exchange eight hours of work for 12 hours in traffic, driving to a bug-infested campground

or fish-infested lake where your white wife enjoyed her childhood summers. Why the derision? Because after all that, you're at a disgusting campground surrounded by bugs, encompassed by fish, and encircled by your white wife's white friends as they force you to listen to them talk about white stuff like golf

and how much they all love Aeolus. A horrifying situation we can all relate to. For doubtless, we all either have or are white wives. And what do you return to after a harrowing weekend surrounded by dentists, chartered accountants, and fish? A punishing quantity of work.

Turning your Tuesday into a fine powder of emails, Slack messages, and meeting requests that all start with the phrase, don't worry about this until after the long weekend. I, for one, am worried. Now applaud. Abdul Aziz. He's not taking a break right now.

He's going to work. Nice work. Thank you, Abdul. Now, here to tell us why long weekends are like a nice stroll into a cool lake, here's John Hastings. John Hastings. My opponent is against long weekends, which may explain why he's here dressed like he owns a mill.

For those of you at home, let me explain that joke. It was very good. Now. Thank you, it's tense. Tense like the Thursday before May 2-4 weekend. A weekend where we gather to celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday. A woman who hated alcohol, so we honor her by putting beer on sale. This man is against Canada Day. On Canada Day in Quebec, everyone moves houses,

which is a metaphor. Metaphor! A word I learned while on magic mushrooms on family day in Calgary. This man wants to abolish Canadian Thanksgiving, the CFL of holidays. We don't know where it came from, but it's important to people in Hamilton and the Prairies,

so let them have it. And, Abdul, if you have nowhere to go for Canadian Thanksgiving this year, pop into North Toronto, me and my white wife. And I did, for some reason, use air quotes there. We'll be getting together with my white family. Oh, it's great. Our coat of arms is a white woman wearing tennis togs,

holding a glass of wine, giving a criticism that sounds like a compliment. Oh, your girlfriend is lovely, given your history. Now, I'm so sorry if I sound a bit manic. I've just been working a lot. I need a long weekend because they're good. They're good for your mental health. You know what I'm saying?

My therapist is always telling me to take a break. Granted, he's not a very good therapist. He recently diagnosed me with a fear of abandonment and canceled our next two sessions. Maybe I just need more time to relax. You know, I do have anxiety, although I'm managing it. For those of you who don't know what living with anxiety is like, it's basically I just leave every social situation thinking,

ha-ha, messed that up a bit. To sum up, long weekends are better than shorter weekends because working is bad. Debate is over. I win. John Hastings. John Hastings against Abdul Aziz

if you've just tuned in this debate is about long weekends alright debaters it's time now for the bare knuckle round we're debating whether long weekends are overrated so as you make your argument it's time to retreat your opponent like dirt that's a bit harsh We're debating whether long weekends are overrated. So as you make your R an argument,

it's time to retreat your opponent like dirt. That's a bit harsh. And tell them to get away. Once you've shown them that their argument relax jokes, you'll have them in a weekend state. And they may even vacate this topic. Now, let's get downtime to business, starting now. To address some of the comments made by my opponent about my appearance,

it's probably good to give the radio audience a sense of what John looks like. John looks like the ghost of a guy who died at a frat party. And then somehow continued to age. Come up to the Lake Abdul. I don't know what lake you're going to that's filled with fish. John is a comedian. Damn fine one.

But are you going to take advice on how to work from a comedian? This is someone whose job consists of doing a maximum of 45 minutes of work some nights. Sir, we're not talking about working. We're talking about relaxing. And if anyone can turn a two-day weekend into a seven-day whoopsie-daisy, that's a Canadian comedian

right there, baby doll. Okay, that's the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether long weekends are overrated. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on long weekends brought to you by Labor Day. When you think about it, that's every mom's first Mother's Day.

A 2023 report from Expedia names Edmonton one of the top places in the world for travelers to turn one event into a long weekend. John? Going to a hockey game, headbutting a police horse, and then calling in sick with the stepdad flu. Incorrect. Good guess, though.

I'll get him next time. Abdul? A watch party for my new sitcom, yet to be greenlit, Abdul's House. Big city lawyer Abdul Aziz moves in with his wacky cousin Mustafa. What kind of shenanigans are these two going to get into? Strangely, that was also incorrect.

The 2023 report from Expedia names Edmonton one of the top places in the world for travelers to turn seeing a concert into a long weekend. You've done it, way to go. No one else has thought of that. Air Canada vacations list of long weekend travel ideas includes hiking in Banff, gambling in Vegas, and what else?

John. Heading to Sudbury and rubbing that big nickel. I'll give a point for the Sudbury shout out. They deserve that. Abdul. A weekend at the West Edmonton Mall Fantasyland Hotel. Featuring immersive themed rooms like Gothic Princess, Enchantment Under the Sea, and truck.

Three points for that. The actual answer is visiting the Louvre in Paris, but I like those answers better. That's the firing line, everybody. It's just about that magical time where our Arden Theatre audience votes, but first, here again with an extended relaxation

oration on long weekends, let's hear again from John Hastings. John Hastings. In summary, long weekends are not just a luxury,

but a necessity for improving mental health, enhancing productivity, strengthening social bonds, and boosting the economy. The working week is monotonous. Much like the pace I've chosen. Would you like the long weekend version of this paragraph? Long weekend's rule!

Good night! John Hastings. Did a nice job. Nice use of pace. Probably a few listeners who think the radio's broken. That's okay. Now, here to remind us why we should say so long to long weekends,

let's hear again from Abdul Aziz. Abdul Aziz. Jesus Christ once said... The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that May 2-4 weekend is three days. Who am I to argue with the big guy? Long weekends are an illusion, a fabrication perpetrated by the rich to keep us all in line.

I say no more. No longer shall we perpetuate the lover boy heresy that we're all working for the weekend. No longer will we let my white wife's white friends talk at me for 45 minutes about frisbee golf. Take back your lives, Canada. Make every day your weekend. Abdul Aziz, everybody. All right. It is up to you to decide, everybody. All right. It is up to you to decide, St. Albert, by applause.

Who agrees with Abdul that we need a long break from long weekends? Abdul Aziz. Okay. Nice support for Abdul. And who agrees with John that it should be long live long weekends? John Hastings the audience has spoken

and they've decided to go with John Hastings long live the long weekends everybody big hand for John Hastings and Abdul Aziz

well that's all for this week I'm Steve Patterson saying if all our weekends were longer maybe we wouldn't be so short with each other. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada.

Good night! The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Corey Haberstock. Story editing by Gary Jones.

With special thanks to Emily Ferrier, Katie Ellen Humphries and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Arden Theatre in St. Albert. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts. And thanks to everyone at the Arden Theatre in St. Albert.