The Debaters - 1907: Butter vs. Margarine & Newfoundland Time Zone
Episode Date: October 17, 2024Is butter better than margarine? Derek Seguin and Matt Wright churn out jokes in a battle for the superior spread. Then, Nour Hadidi and Hisham Kelati get in the zone when they decide if Newfoundland ...has the best time zone.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it.
On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice.
And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash
to put towards the next trip.
Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews.
Your home might be worth more than you think.
Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.
This is a CBC Podcast.
This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes.
To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters.
And thanks for listening to The CBC.
Hey Canada, are you ready to rock?
From Newfoundland, the rock that rules the waves, it's The Debaters!
The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner.
Now here's a man who rocks and rolls with the punches, Steve Patterson.
Hey! Hello Canada! Thanks, Graham!
Welcome back to The Debaters, and it is great to be back here in Newfoundland.
Ah, Newfoundland, Labrador.
A place that can boast world-class achievements.
And one such title that this fine province holds
is that it is the root seller capital of the world.
Congratulations!
I'm not sure who is in second,
but I am not rooting for them.
Because you deserve this, Newfoundland.
Every year, the citizens of Elliston hold the Roots, Rants, and Roars Festival,
which I assume is when people go into a root cellar and rant about whatever they want,
and then roar to be let out.
Now it's time to meet two debaters who will get to the root of this debate.
This comic once took an arachnid course online and really enjoyed the webinar. It's Newfoundland's
Matt Wright. Matt Wright. There he is. Big hometown welcome as Matt makes his way out, takes his place to my right.
And this comic tried to fill out his incomplete chessboard
by browsing pawn shops.
It's Brassard, Quebec's Derek Sagan!
Derek Sagan!
Diving across the stage purposely to my left.
Your topic is one that will make you melt, Newfoundland.
Butter, is it superior to margarine?
We're going to do the debate anyway.
Newfoundland has a complex history with margarine.
In 1925, Sir John Crosby founded a margarine plant
called the Newfoundland Butter Company.
True story.
At one point, Canada imposed a prohibition on margarine,
and the only place you could get it was Newfoundland. It created a black market,
or I guess a yellowish market, in the rest of the country. Then when Newfoundland started
negotiations to join Canada in 1948, the production of margarine was a sticking issue. Again, true
story. For those of you who didn't like this factual debate opening about margarine, you're no doubt thinking, I can't believe it's not better.
What a long walk that was.
Time now for a debate that we hope spreads the joy.
So, whereas it's the original and iconic spread,
be it resolved that butter is superior to margarine.
Derek, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes.
Starting now, Derek Seguin.
All right.
What the heck is margarine in the first place?
Why was butter not buttery enough?
Originally, did you know that margarine
was leftover animal fat
that they weren't using
for anything?
And they just whipped it into that weird consistency and added salt and flavoring and a variety
of chemicals?
When it was first introduced, I did research, back in the 1800s by a French chemist.
A French from France, by the way, not Quebec French. You can blame Saint-Pierre-et-Micalon
for all this crap. It was because Napoleon wanted a cheap alternative to butter to serve to the poor
people. That's right, Matt. Your precious margarine is poor people butter. You can have it. I'll take the artery-hardening rich man's spread of golden nectar.
I might even hire my own butter churner and set him up on my back deck in colonial clothing.
But butter is luxurious. It's smooth and delicious. Margarine is struggle and poverty and chemicals and comes in a container
that you can reuse later to store other leftover poor people food like Kraft dinner and wieners.
Try to reuse butter packaging. The wrapping comes off in small little confetti-sized shreds
of aluminum foil.
So as soon as you open it, we have to make cakes and cookies
and soak everything in it.
It's the last thing you add to a jig dinner here in Newfoundland.
Right? You boil everything.
Butter makes it edible.
Right?
It's awesome.
You'd never, like,
have a steak come out
and be like,
oh, you know what?
I think I want to pour
some motor oil on that.
That's what margarine is.
Dirty old motor oil
out of a 1984 Dodge Aries.
Thank you.
Derek Sagan
says butter is better than margarine.
Now, here to assure us that anything Derek says
in support of butter is just a country crock to him,
let's hear from Matt Wright.
Butter versus margarine is less beetles versus stones and more beetles versus something that looks and tastes like the beetles,
but is actually synthetic yellow food goop
designed by scientists to feed Napoleon's troops in 1880.
Is it healthier than butter?
No. Does it it healthier than butter? No.
Does it taste better than butter?
No.
Does it have any more nutritional benefit
than the plastic tub it is served in?
No.
But.
But. But... Spreading margarine is so easy,
and spreading butter is so hard.
Never have two foods resisted a union with such ferocity.
You're like, hey, butter, do you want to be on toast?
And Butter's like, I'm not doing that at all, actually.
I got a different plan, which is that I'm going to rip the bread clean off
like it's Janet Jackson's shirt at the Super Bowl.
And like Justin Timberlake,
Butter lives on with a flawless reputation, even though what happened was entirely his fault.
Now, spreading margarine is easy, smooth, sexy.
You want to put margarine on toast?
It's already done.
If you leave a piece of toast next to margarine,
it will spread itself on in a perfect circle
like Lunette the Clown pretending to be a clock.
I have a five-week-old
son. He sleeps for
45 minutes three times a night.
And people ask me if that's
hard. And I say yes.
But it is not as hard
as trying to put butter on
toast.
In 1999, margarine actually became more popular than butter for the first time.
And that is because we thought Y2K
was gonna murder all of us,
and life is too short to spend it struggling to butter toast.
I will save my energy for my family and my friends and to fight for Napoleon.
Matt Wright.
Matt Wright. Matt Wright.
On behalf of Margarine,
we got ourselves a debate.
All right.
Well,
golly gee, gentlemen.
If you get it, you get it.
It's time for the bare knuckle round.
We're debating whether margarine is superior to butter.
So let me clarify.
You don't have to have a meltdown,
but anticipate any churn of events,
leaving no margarine for air.
Set this debutter's audience on emulsifier starting now.
I don't know about you guys.
It sounds to me like Matt just shouldn't be trusted with toast.
Never mind a five-week-old baby.
Do you not have a microwave at your house, Matt?
Like, literally, four seconds, and the butter is liquid.
No, I don't have a microwave.
We used the microwave, we broke it down,
and we made more margarine out of it.
Are you saying you want me to melt the butter to make toast?
Are you crazy?
You want me to churn it, too? What do you want me to melt the butter to make toast? Are you crazy? You want me to churn it too?
What do you want me to do, obtain cows?
What do you want me to milk the cows?
You want me to pasteurize the milk for you, Derek?
Churn it into cream,
stir it at the proper speed and temperature
for it to become butter?
Realize the labor of the farm is unsustainable for one man,
put an unruly amount of pressure on my wife to produce sons,
resent the daughters she inevitably bears,
teach the boys how to become capable farmhands,
quell their dreams to become folk singers,
and then get them to milk the cows, churn it, and get butter?
I want toast now!
This is why he can't be trusted with toast.
He's a toast addict.
You're gonna put margarine on lobster, you psycho?
I've done it.
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh.
Okay.
That's the fair knuckle round, everybody.
Time now for the firing line.
In my hand, I have a list of questions
on margarine versus butter
brought to you by peanut butter.
Peanut butter.
Are we great at our craft?
You're damn skippy we are.
Finish this slogan for Basel's dairy-free plant butter.
Skip the cow, not the what?
Derek?
Not the taste of cow manure.
It's weird, but you're almost right.
Matt?
Skip the cow, not the traumatic experience
of having to butter toast.
Actually like that.
Skip the cow, not the taste,
which was sort of the start of Derek's answer.
So I have to give him half an official point.
All right.
In the 1920s, M.P. Alan Neal said of margarine
in the House of Commons,
it is not a substitute for butter, it is what?
Matt Wright.
It is not a substitute for butter.
It is giving you the freedom and time to raise your children.
Very on brand.
Two points.
No, he said it's not a substitute for butter.
It is a deceptive counterfeit.
I like the way this guy thinks.
Readersdigest.ca's list of things to do with a margarine tub
includes use it as a paint container,
pack fruit in your child's lunch,
make freezer storage, and what else?
Derek?
Show your neighbors that Dad lost his job again.
Back on the margarine.
Three points.
Matt Wright.
Put your pop's ashes in it
because he doesn't want to get left in some fancy box.
Also good.
The actual answer is make it into a dog dish
or use it as a gelatin mold. Those are two different things.
I want to point that out. And that is the firing line, everybody. Here we go in the home stretch.
It is just about time for our holy heart theater audience to pick a winner. But first,
here again to remind us that once you start using margarine, things can only get better.
It's Matt Wright.
Whoo!
How dare Derek come to Newfoundland...
...and roast our official drink?
This is in these hardworking people's blood
because their bodies can't deal with it.
It's still in there.
We use it for everything.
I'm not gonna come to Quebec
and tell you to eat carrots instead of cigarettes.
This is what we do.
Butter was made by cows.
Margarine is made by dreamers.
Did a cow put a man on the moon?
No, We did. And we took the leftover fuel
and made margarine with it.
And no, it's not good for you.
But you know what?
That's life.
It's cool.
Eating margarine on white bread
is like surfing in shark-infested waters
with a cigarette in your mouth on a board made of pork chops.
You are not in danger.
You are the danger.
A quote from Walter White,
a teacher who started selling meth
after he got cancer.
Two things that are healthier than margarine.
We don't eat it because it won't kill us.
We eat it because we want to feel alive.
I stand with margarine
because we made it. And in these
divided times, I stand
with the people.
If you want something a cow made
so bad, go suck an udder.
That is Matt Wright, everybody.
Matt Wright, with a lot of support.
That was an argument on behalf of Martren.
If you're wondering, oh, wow.
Now, here to drive home his argument like a buttering ram,
let's hear from Quebec's Derek Sagan.
I don't know, everybody.
I-I-I-I'm just hurt now.
You've been to my house.
You saw me slave over that butter to feed my three children.
I love my children. That's why they get butter.
Butter, even if you're...
Even if you're vegan, butter, it don't hurt the cow.
The cow, it's kind of like...
The cow's like, hey, how you doing?
But it's a byproduct. We don't have to hurt the cow.
Vegans should love this.
Spread it on their little whole-wheat toast.
Good. Instead of slaughtering millions of soy plants
to make Bessel butter.
Unsaturated fat, too. That's what that is.
Unsaturated. That don't sound good at all.
Store it in plastic tubs that'll float out to the ocean
and kill the whales and the cods.
Your precious cods!
They'll be floating around in a margarine tub.
Don't even get me started on the turtles!
Thank you.
Derek Sagan.
Un-cap of Butter.
Audience, it is up to you to decide
who has won this important debate.
By applause, who thought that Derek gave Matt
a good whipping with his Butter banter?
Derek Sagan.
Lot of love, Derek. You. A lot of love there.
You're buttering him up.
And who agreed with Matt's magnificent margarine
musings, Matt Wright.
They did it.
They want the hometown boy.
The winner is Matt
Wright. Margarine's better than butter.
Big hand for Matt
Wright and the one and only Derek Sagan.
You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters.
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Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters.
Hi there, Steve Patterson here.
You know, I travel a lot for work on my own,
so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy
and our daughters along, I jump at it.
On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb.
It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood,
and it even had room for our dog Ferris,
which was also nice.
And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto
would be a nice place
to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be
great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly,
Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think.
Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goltar, and I have a confession to make.
I am a true crime fanatic.
I devour books and films and, most of all, true crime podcasts.
But sometimes, I just want to know more.
I want to go deeper.
And that's where my podcast, Crime Story, comes in.
Every week, I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime.
I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the
insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Hey, St. John's, are you ready to meet your
next pair of debaters? Listen to that, Canada. Let's bring them out then.
This comedian attended a wedding near a cell phone tower and really enjoyed the reception.
It's Toronto's Noor Hadidi.
Noor.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hi, Steve.
Hi, Noor.
Welcome back.
And this comic set up his electrician friend
on a date with a welder.
And boy, did sparks fly.
It's Toronto's Hisham Kalani.
Hisham, looking his way to my left.
Debaters, this is a topic that is very timely.
Newfoundland's time zone.
Is it the best time zone in the world?
Some have already decided.
Now, some of you out there listening
may not know that Newfoundland has its own time zone
that is half an hour ahead of even the Atlantic time zone.
So it's ironic that while you're technically
ahead of the rest of Canada, you were the last to join Confederation, waiting until 1949.
What happened? Did the rest of Canada bribe you by saying you can have anything you want,
and you decided we want our own time zone, instead of, say, a different fruit to make jam out of
besides partridge berries?
Now, for a debate that will be great time and time again.
So, whereas it's the earliest in Canada
and was created specifically for the province,
be it resolved Newfoundland has the best time zone.
Noor, you are arguing for this, please.
You have two minutes.
Starting now, Noor Hadidi.
Thank you, Steve.
It is an honour to be here in Newfoundland for the very first time.
To live here is to be 30 minutes ahead, literally in the future.
Which is why I find it appalling that some people, like my opponent here, want to drag us into the past.
The Newfoundland time zone is the only one in North America with a half hour offset.
And it's been my experience that the best things in life are one of a kind.
Yes.
Like true love or a smart American.
And let's talk about the half hour.
It is unequivocally the best unit of time.
You can take a nap, watch TV, or if you're a woman like me,
you can finally find that chin hair
you've been meaning to pluck.
You know, if you're in a bind, an hour is insurmountable,
but anyone can get by with just a half hour left,
especially if you're bored at work
or at a Hisham Kaladi comedy show.
What are the other options?
Pacific time? More like pathetic time, okay?
Always lagging three hours behind.
Or mountain time?
News flash, I'm not a bear in hibernation.
The only people this time zone is inconveniencing are Newfoundlanders themselves.
And sure, it would be easier to join the Atlantic time zone,
but easy doesn't mean best, okay?
Newfoundland time is not just a time zone,
it's a statement.
It says, we've got a big zone,
and we're not afraid to use it.
Nora Deedy, everybody.
A big fan of having your own time zone.
Now, here with his own timely take on his time zone talk,
let's hear from Hisham Kalani.
Newfoundland, your time zone is trash. Trash! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm getting ahead of myself, okay. As Steve mentioned, Newfoundland was the last holdout to join Canadian Federation. They were living off the grid, like the feral uncle you haven't seen since the 90s...
...who lives in the forest with his pet moose.
And every Christmas, it's a family tradition
to leave him a case of beer by the highway.
And I know that there isn't a single Newfoundlander
who's offended by comparison.
There's for sure someone just went,
is he talking about Uncle Terry? And being the weird one is great, but sometimes it's too,
you know what? I can't. I can't. I'm just going to cut to the chase. Newfoundland,
your time zone has just gone on for too long. Your mother and I cannot put up anymore. You are tearing this confederation apart.
Just move over to the Atlantic time zone.
We won't make a big deal about it, we promise.
We will be cool, we understand it was just a phase
you were going through.
We promised Newfoundland to burn all the pictures
so none of the other provinces know you were a goth, okay?
And for everyone saying that the time zone
is cultural heritage, there is more than enough Newfoundland quirkiness to replace it with.
Did you know that the Flat Earth Society considers Newfoundland tourism
Give me $10,000
And three weeks
And I'll come up with
A new tourism angle
For the rock
Now known as
The Edge
In summary
It's time for Newfoundland
To spring forward
Into the future
Or fall back
And right off the planet
Because it is flat.
I'm Hisham Klaidi.
Thank you, and I look forward to hearing your applause
30 minutes from now.
Hisham Klaidi.
It's tough.
It's a tough assignment we've given you.
Debaters, it's time that we zone into the bare-knuckle round.
The pleasure is all ours.
As you debate whether Newfoundland has the best time zone.
So the audience will stop, watch, and listen
as you try to beat the living daylight savings out of them.
But remember, time flies when you're having puns.
So clock and load now.
You know the worst thing about all of this,
about the times on Newfoundland,
is the fact that you guys are making us do math!
You're supposed to be the cool ones! Come on!
Hisham, actually, it's a great way to get kids
to learn about fractions early on.
I actually think they know what they're doing.
And if I may invoke some history here,
Newfoundlanders, they have a history of tacking on things.
You know, like you added Labrador to the name Newfoundland and Labrador, right?
Why not tack on a half hour too?
Newfoundland and Labrador, an hour and a half, Jiggs dinner and indigestion.
You know, it's just, it goes well with the province.
Everyone keeps talking about how the time zone is a part of Newfoundland identity. You know what else is part of your identity?
A mummer's parade.
Which I still don't get.
And like many, many people have tried to explain it to me very clearly and in great detail.
I'm just letting you know, as someone from the outside, it doesn't make any sense.
Just like your time zone.
Hisham, please, okay?
Some people are ugly and they can only be in public if they're dressed as a scarecrow, okay?
Have some compassion.
And besides, the government tried to get involved, right?
They tried to change the time zone back twice in 51 and 63,
but the people of Newfoundland here,
with their ugly faces, they said no!
Right? She called you ugly, remember said no! Right?
She called you ugly, remember this later,
she called you ugly!
And they still love me.
That's what I'm advocating here for people,
the right to choose, okay?
We get to choose our own time zone,
which my opponent, a man, is.
Yep, yep, okay. That's the Baird up the round, everybody. is... Yep. Yep.
Okay.
That's the
Baird up the round,
everybody.
Oh, he's time.
I got it.
Wow.
When I hear a knockout,
I got to acknowledge it,
you know?
That was a mercy bell there.
All right,
to pay it or is it?
It's time now
for the firing line.
In my hand, I have a list of questions
on Newfoundland's time zone,
brought to you by KFC's collectible Timex watches.
They take a finger licking and keep on ticking.
Good one. That was a good one.
According to a CBC article,
prior to Newfoundland's 1935 passing
of the Standard Time Act,
the postmaster went by solar time, wireless officials went by eastern time,
and the lighthouse keeper went by what?
Hisham?
A good time.
Nice shout out to lighthouse keepers there.
Noor?
He went by LKT, lighthouse keeper time. I like that. Yeah. Little LKT. Nope.
Went by Daylight time. What time of day it is. We also would have accepted,
watch out, the light's coming around again time. The transcript of an 1870 budget debate
in the House of Assembly...
Oh, God, now we got you listening.
...reveals that at the time,
many fishing villages in Newfoundland
set their clocks by what daily event?
Hisham.
When the liquor store opened.
Audience is getting more... You beautiful, beautiful people.
Thank you so much for that.
Audience has given you one and a half.
The transcript of an 1870 budget debate
in the House of Assembly reveals that at the time,
many fishing villages in Newfoundland
set their clocks by what daily event?
It was the firing of a noonday gun
on Signal Hill in St. John's.
In 1988, the provincial government experimented with double daylight saving time,
moving clocks ahead two hours instead of one. Why was the experiment abandoned?
Noor. Because I was born that year, and my name in Arabic means light,
so I brought enough light into the world
that they didn't need it anymore.
Just a reminder, she called you ugly.
So point out.
Remember that part.
Doesn't matter.
Three points.
Hisham.
Someone did the math wrong, and it ended up
being Tuesday for three weeks.
I will give two points for that answer.
The real answer is that it forced children to go to school in the dark in October.
That's the firing line, everybody.
It is almost time for our Holy Heart Theatre audience to vote.
But first, here again to tell us why Newfoundland's time zone is more like the Twilight Zone to him,
let's hear again from Hisham Kaladi.
APPLAUSE
Newfoundland, did you know three other countries
that have a 30-minute time zone?
Iran, Afghanistan, and Australia.
Is that really the country you want to be compared to?
Australia.
Australia. There are literally so many benefits to having a normal time zone.
All your TV times will be fixed.
You get to go to work a little later.
And most importantly, that's an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
An extra 30 minutes. An extra 30 minutes of sleep. An extra 30 minutes.
An extra 30 minutes of sleep.
That's my whole argument.
An extra 30 minutes of sleep.
There's an old joke here in Newfoundland.
The world ends at midnight 1230 in Newfoundland.
And you guys are so happy, dancing a jig in the kitchen, excited to be the last ones alive.
But that just means you guys have to clean it all up.
Move your clocks back 30 minutes
and come die with the rest of us.
Thank you, Newfoundland, you beautiful, handsome, sexy people.
I, Venetian Pilate, goodbye forever.
He's Sam Kalati.
Very interesting take on the time zone change.
Now, here to say see you later to anyone who won't give Newfoundland's time zone the time of day,
let's hear again from Noor Hadidi.
Thank you.
You know, I have to say, this debate has been really fun,
and I've enjoyed my time with you all,
but I'd like to end on a more serious note.
Okay.
Wow, not taking a woman seriously.
Okay, he shan't.
First, they came for the Newfoundland time zone, and I did not speak out. Because I was not in the Newfoundland time zone.
Then they came for Quebec, and I did not speak out because I was not Poutine.
Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
Thank you.
Nora Hedini,
in the most succinct closing argument we've ever had.
Thank you, Nora.
It is up to this audience to decide.
By applause, who agreed with Hisham
that when anyone talks up Newfoundland's time zone,
he tends to zone out?
Hisham Kaladi.
Nice support.
Nice support for Hisham.
And who thought that Noor's argument
on the greatness of Newfoundland's time zone
was right in the zone?
Noor Hadidi on the greatness of Newfoundland's time zone was right in the zone? Noor Hadidi.
That's it.
The audience has spoken.
They agree.
The best time zone in the world is this one.
The winner is Noor Hadidi, everybody.
Big hand for Noor Hadidi and Hisham Kaladi.
Well, that's all for this week.
I'm Steve Patterson saying whatever time zone you're in right now
We're ahead of you because this was pre-recorded
I'll argue with you again soon
Canada goodnight
The Debaters is created by Richard Seid
This week's episode was produced by
Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark
With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones.
Technical production by James Perella and Mark Strong.
Story editing by Gary Jones.
With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries,
Emily Ferrier, and David Pride.
Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts.
And thanks to everyone at the Holy Heart Theatre in St. John's.