The Debaters - 1907: Butter vs. Margarine & Newfoundland Time Zone

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Is butter better than margarine? Derek Seguin and Matt Wright churn out jokes in a battle for the superior spread. Then, Nour Hadidi and Hisham Kelati get in the zone when they decide if Newfoundland ...has the best time zone.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast.
Starting point is 00:00:43 This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, are you ready to rock? From Newfoundland, the rock that rules the waves, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who rocks and rolls with the punches, Steve Patterson. Hey! Hello Canada! Thanks, Graham!
Starting point is 00:01:31 Welcome back to The Debaters, and it is great to be back here in Newfoundland. Ah, Newfoundland, Labrador. A place that can boast world-class achievements. And one such title that this fine province holds is that it is the root seller capital of the world. Congratulations! I'm not sure who is in second, but I am not rooting for them.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Because you deserve this, Newfoundland. Every year, the citizens of Elliston hold the Roots, Rants, and Roars Festival, which I assume is when people go into a root cellar and rant about whatever they want, and then roar to be let out. Now it's time to meet two debaters who will get to the root of this debate. This comic once took an arachnid course online and really enjoyed the webinar. It's Newfoundland's Matt Wright. Matt Wright. There he is. Big hometown welcome as Matt makes his way out, takes his place to my right. And this comic tried to fill out his incomplete chessboard
Starting point is 00:02:50 by browsing pawn shops. It's Brassard, Quebec's Derek Sagan! Derek Sagan! Diving across the stage purposely to my left. Your topic is one that will make you melt, Newfoundland. Butter, is it superior to margarine? We're going to do the debate anyway. Newfoundland has a complex history with margarine.
Starting point is 00:03:28 In 1925, Sir John Crosby founded a margarine plant called the Newfoundland Butter Company. True story. At one point, Canada imposed a prohibition on margarine, and the only place you could get it was Newfoundland. It created a black market, or I guess a yellowish market, in the rest of the country. Then when Newfoundland started negotiations to join Canada in 1948, the production of margarine was a sticking issue. Again, true story. For those of you who didn't like this factual debate opening about margarine, you're no doubt thinking, I can't believe it's not better.
Starting point is 00:04:10 What a long walk that was. Time now for a debate that we hope spreads the joy. So, whereas it's the original and iconic spread, be it resolved that butter is superior to margarine. Derek, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Derek Seguin. All right. What the heck is margarine in the first place?
Starting point is 00:04:37 Why was butter not buttery enough? Originally, did you know that margarine was leftover animal fat that they weren't using for anything? And they just whipped it into that weird consistency and added salt and flavoring and a variety of chemicals? When it was first introduced, I did research, back in the 1800s by a French chemist.
Starting point is 00:05:01 A French from France, by the way, not Quebec French. You can blame Saint-Pierre-et-Micalon for all this crap. It was because Napoleon wanted a cheap alternative to butter to serve to the poor people. That's right, Matt. Your precious margarine is poor people butter. You can have it. I'll take the artery-hardening rich man's spread of golden nectar. I might even hire my own butter churner and set him up on my back deck in colonial clothing. But butter is luxurious. It's smooth and delicious. Margarine is struggle and poverty and chemicals and comes in a container that you can reuse later to store other leftover poor people food like Kraft dinner and wieners. Try to reuse butter packaging. The wrapping comes off in small little confetti-sized shreds of aluminum foil.
Starting point is 00:06:08 So as soon as you open it, we have to make cakes and cookies and soak everything in it. It's the last thing you add to a jig dinner here in Newfoundland. Right? You boil everything. Butter makes it edible. Right? It's awesome. You'd never, like,
Starting point is 00:06:28 have a steak come out and be like, oh, you know what? I think I want to pour some motor oil on that. That's what margarine is. Dirty old motor oil out of a 1984 Dodge Aries.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Thank you. Derek Sagan says butter is better than margarine. Now, here to assure us that anything Derek says in support of butter is just a country crock to him, let's hear from Matt Wright. Butter versus margarine is less beetles versus stones and more beetles versus something that looks and tastes like the beetles, but is actually synthetic yellow food goop
Starting point is 00:07:17 designed by scientists to feed Napoleon's troops in 1880. Is it healthier than butter? No. Does it it healthier than butter? No. Does it taste better than butter? No. Does it have any more nutritional benefit than the plastic tub it is served in? No.
Starting point is 00:07:40 But. But. But... Spreading margarine is so easy, and spreading butter is so hard. Never have two foods resisted a union with such ferocity. You're like, hey, butter, do you want to be on toast? And Butter's like, I'm not doing that at all, actually. I got a different plan, which is that I'm going to rip the bread clean off like it's Janet Jackson's shirt at the Super Bowl.
Starting point is 00:08:28 And like Justin Timberlake, Butter lives on with a flawless reputation, even though what happened was entirely his fault. Now, spreading margarine is easy, smooth, sexy. You want to put margarine on toast? It's already done. If you leave a piece of toast next to margarine, it will spread itself on in a perfect circle like Lunette the Clown pretending to be a clock.
Starting point is 00:09:07 I have a five-week-old son. He sleeps for 45 minutes three times a night. And people ask me if that's hard. And I say yes. But it is not as hard as trying to put butter on toast.
Starting point is 00:09:32 In 1999, margarine actually became more popular than butter for the first time. And that is because we thought Y2K was gonna murder all of us, and life is too short to spend it struggling to butter toast. I will save my energy for my family and my friends and to fight for Napoleon. Matt Wright. Matt Wright. Matt Wright. On behalf of Margarine,
Starting point is 00:10:08 we got ourselves a debate. All right. Well, golly gee, gentlemen. If you get it, you get it. It's time for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether margarine is superior to butter. So let me clarify.
Starting point is 00:10:30 You don't have to have a meltdown, but anticipate any churn of events, leaving no margarine for air. Set this debutter's audience on emulsifier starting now. I don't know about you guys. It sounds to me like Matt just shouldn't be trusted with toast. Never mind a five-week-old baby. Do you not have a microwave at your house, Matt?
Starting point is 00:11:06 Like, literally, four seconds, and the butter is liquid. No, I don't have a microwave. We used the microwave, we broke it down, and we made more margarine out of it. Are you saying you want me to melt the butter to make toast? Are you crazy? You want me to churn it, too? What do you want me to melt the butter to make toast? Are you crazy? You want me to churn it too? What do you want me to do, obtain cows?
Starting point is 00:11:30 What do you want me to milk the cows? You want me to pasteurize the milk for you, Derek? Churn it into cream, stir it at the proper speed and temperature for it to become butter? Realize the labor of the farm is unsustainable for one man, put an unruly amount of pressure on my wife to produce sons, resent the daughters she inevitably bears,
Starting point is 00:11:53 teach the boys how to become capable farmhands, quell their dreams to become folk singers, and then get them to milk the cows, churn it, and get butter? I want toast now! This is why he can't be trusted with toast. He's a toast addict. You're gonna put margarine on lobster, you psycho? I've done it.
Starting point is 00:12:25 Oh, my God. What? Oh. Okay. That's the fair knuckle round, everybody. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on margarine versus butter
Starting point is 00:12:41 brought to you by peanut butter. Peanut butter. Are we great at our craft? You're damn skippy we are. Finish this slogan for Basel's dairy-free plant butter. Skip the cow, not the what? Derek? Not the taste of cow manure.
Starting point is 00:13:06 It's weird, but you're almost right. Matt? Skip the cow, not the traumatic experience of having to butter toast. Actually like that. Skip the cow, not the taste, which was sort of the start of Derek's answer. So I have to give him half an official point.
Starting point is 00:13:28 All right. In the 1920s, M.P. Alan Neal said of margarine in the House of Commons, it is not a substitute for butter, it is what? Matt Wright. It is not a substitute for butter. It is giving you the freedom and time to raise your children. Very on brand.
Starting point is 00:13:53 Two points. No, he said it's not a substitute for butter. It is a deceptive counterfeit. I like the way this guy thinks. Readersdigest.ca's list of things to do with a margarine tub includes use it as a paint container, pack fruit in your child's lunch, make freezer storage, and what else?
Starting point is 00:14:15 Derek? Show your neighbors that Dad lost his job again. Back on the margarine. Three points. Matt Wright. Put your pop's ashes in it because he doesn't want to get left in some fancy box. Also good.
Starting point is 00:14:39 The actual answer is make it into a dog dish or use it as a gelatin mold. Those are two different things. I want to point that out. And that is the firing line, everybody. Here we go in the home stretch. It is just about time for our holy heart theater audience to pick a winner. But first, here again to remind us that once you start using margarine, things can only get better. It's Matt Wright. Whoo! How dare Derek come to Newfoundland...
Starting point is 00:15:19 ...and roast our official drink? This is in these hardworking people's blood because their bodies can't deal with it. It's still in there. We use it for everything. I'm not gonna come to Quebec and tell you to eat carrots instead of cigarettes. This is what we do.
Starting point is 00:15:49 Butter was made by cows. Margarine is made by dreamers. Did a cow put a man on the moon? No, We did. And we took the leftover fuel and made margarine with it. And no, it's not good for you. But you know what? That's life.
Starting point is 00:16:20 It's cool. Eating margarine on white bread is like surfing in shark-infested waters with a cigarette in your mouth on a board made of pork chops. You are not in danger. You are the danger. A quote from Walter White, a teacher who started selling meth
Starting point is 00:16:48 after he got cancer. Two things that are healthier than margarine. We don't eat it because it won't kill us. We eat it because we want to feel alive. I stand with margarine because we made it. And in these divided times, I stand with the people.
Starting point is 00:17:16 If you want something a cow made so bad, go suck an udder. That is Matt Wright, everybody. Matt Wright, with a lot of support. That was an argument on behalf of Martren. If you're wondering, oh, wow. Now, here to drive home his argument like a buttering ram, let's hear from Quebec's Derek Sagan.
Starting point is 00:17:51 I don't know, everybody. I-I-I-I'm just hurt now. You've been to my house. You saw me slave over that butter to feed my three children. I love my children. That's why they get butter. Butter, even if you're... Even if you're vegan, butter, it don't hurt the cow. The cow, it's kind of like...
Starting point is 00:18:16 The cow's like, hey, how you doing? But it's a byproduct. We don't have to hurt the cow. Vegans should love this. Spread it on their little whole-wheat toast. Good. Instead of slaughtering millions of soy plants to make Bessel butter. Unsaturated fat, too. That's what that is. Unsaturated. That don't sound good at all.
Starting point is 00:18:44 Store it in plastic tubs that'll float out to the ocean and kill the whales and the cods. Your precious cods! They'll be floating around in a margarine tub. Don't even get me started on the turtles! Thank you. Derek Sagan. Un-cap of Butter.
Starting point is 00:19:10 Audience, it is up to you to decide who has won this important debate. By applause, who thought that Derek gave Matt a good whipping with his Butter banter? Derek Sagan. Lot of love, Derek. You. A lot of love there. You're buttering him up. And who agreed with Matt's magnificent margarine
Starting point is 00:19:32 musings, Matt Wright. They did it. They want the hometown boy. The winner is Matt Wright. Margarine's better than butter. Big hand for Matt Wright and the one and only Derek Sagan. You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters.
Starting point is 00:19:54 Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood,
Starting point is 00:20:18 and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hey there, I'm Kathleen Goltar, and I have a confession to make.
Starting point is 00:20:47 I am a true crime fanatic. I devour books and films and, most of all, true crime podcasts. But sometimes, I just want to know more. I want to go deeper. And that's where my podcast, Crime Story, comes in. Every week, I go behind the scenes with the creators of the best in true crime. I chat with the host of Scamanda, Teacher's Pet, Bone Valley, the list goes on. For the insider scoop, find Crime Story in your podcast app. Hey, St. John's, are you ready to meet your
Starting point is 00:21:17 next pair of debaters? Listen to that, Canada. Let's bring them out then. This comedian attended a wedding near a cell phone tower and really enjoyed the reception. It's Toronto's Noor Hadidi. Noor. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, Steve. Hi, Noor.
Starting point is 00:21:40 Welcome back. And this comic set up his electrician friend on a date with a welder. And boy, did sparks fly. It's Toronto's Hisham Kalani. Hisham, looking his way to my left. Debaters, this is a topic that is very timely. Newfoundland's time zone.
Starting point is 00:22:05 Is it the best time zone in the world? Some have already decided. Now, some of you out there listening may not know that Newfoundland has its own time zone that is half an hour ahead of even the Atlantic time zone. So it's ironic that while you're technically ahead of the rest of Canada, you were the last to join Confederation, waiting until 1949. What happened? Did the rest of Canada bribe you by saying you can have anything you want,
Starting point is 00:22:42 and you decided we want our own time zone, instead of, say, a different fruit to make jam out of besides partridge berries? Now, for a debate that will be great time and time again. So, whereas it's the earliest in Canada and was created specifically for the province, be it resolved Newfoundland has the best time zone. Noor, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes.
Starting point is 00:23:08 Starting now, Noor Hadidi. Thank you, Steve. It is an honour to be here in Newfoundland for the very first time. To live here is to be 30 minutes ahead, literally in the future. Which is why I find it appalling that some people, like my opponent here, want to drag us into the past. The Newfoundland time zone is the only one in North America with a half hour offset. And it's been my experience that the best things in life are one of a kind. Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:50 Like true love or a smart American. And let's talk about the half hour. It is unequivocally the best unit of time. You can take a nap, watch TV, or if you're a woman like me, you can finally find that chin hair you've been meaning to pluck. You know, if you're in a bind, an hour is insurmountable, but anyone can get by with just a half hour left,
Starting point is 00:24:20 especially if you're bored at work or at a Hisham Kaladi comedy show. What are the other options? Pacific time? More like pathetic time, okay? Always lagging three hours behind. Or mountain time? News flash, I'm not a bear in hibernation. The only people this time zone is inconveniencing are Newfoundlanders themselves.
Starting point is 00:24:49 And sure, it would be easier to join the Atlantic time zone, but easy doesn't mean best, okay? Newfoundland time is not just a time zone, it's a statement. It says, we've got a big zone, and we're not afraid to use it. Nora Deedy, everybody. A big fan of having your own time zone.
Starting point is 00:25:15 Now, here with his own timely take on his time zone talk, let's hear from Hisham Kalani. Newfoundland, your time zone is trash. Trash! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, okay. As Steve mentioned, Newfoundland was the last holdout to join Canadian Federation. They were living off the grid, like the feral uncle you haven't seen since the 90s... ...who lives in the forest with his pet moose. And every Christmas, it's a family tradition to leave him a case of beer by the highway. And I know that there isn't a single Newfoundlander
Starting point is 00:26:01 who's offended by comparison. There's for sure someone just went, is he talking about Uncle Terry? And being the weird one is great, but sometimes it's too, you know what? I can't. I can't. I'm just going to cut to the chase. Newfoundland, your time zone has just gone on for too long. Your mother and I cannot put up anymore. You are tearing this confederation apart. Just move over to the Atlantic time zone. We won't make a big deal about it, we promise. We will be cool, we understand it was just a phase
Starting point is 00:26:33 you were going through. We promised Newfoundland to burn all the pictures so none of the other provinces know you were a goth, okay? And for everyone saying that the time zone is cultural heritage, there is more than enough Newfoundland quirkiness to replace it with. Did you know that the Flat Earth Society considers Newfoundland tourism Give me $10,000 And three weeks
Starting point is 00:27:09 And I'll come up with A new tourism angle For the rock Now known as The Edge In summary It's time for Newfoundland To spring forward
Starting point is 00:27:20 Into the future Or fall back And right off the planet Because it is flat. I'm Hisham Klaidi. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing your applause 30 minutes from now. Hisham Klaidi.
Starting point is 00:27:39 It's tough. It's a tough assignment we've given you. Debaters, it's time that we zone into the bare-knuckle round. The pleasure is all ours. As you debate whether Newfoundland has the best time zone. So the audience will stop, watch, and listen as you try to beat the living daylight savings out of them. But remember, time flies when you're having puns.
Starting point is 00:28:13 So clock and load now. You know the worst thing about all of this, about the times on Newfoundland, is the fact that you guys are making us do math! You're supposed to be the cool ones! Come on! Hisham, actually, it's a great way to get kids to learn about fractions early on. I actually think they know what they're doing.
Starting point is 00:28:36 And if I may invoke some history here, Newfoundlanders, they have a history of tacking on things. You know, like you added Labrador to the name Newfoundland and Labrador, right? Why not tack on a half hour too? Newfoundland and Labrador, an hour and a half, Jiggs dinner and indigestion. You know, it's just, it goes well with the province. Everyone keeps talking about how the time zone is a part of Newfoundland identity. You know what else is part of your identity? A mummer's parade.
Starting point is 00:29:14 Which I still don't get. And like many, many people have tried to explain it to me very clearly and in great detail. I'm just letting you know, as someone from the outside, it doesn't make any sense. Just like your time zone. Hisham, please, okay? Some people are ugly and they can only be in public if they're dressed as a scarecrow, okay? Have some compassion. And besides, the government tried to get involved, right?
Starting point is 00:29:52 They tried to change the time zone back twice in 51 and 63, but the people of Newfoundland here, with their ugly faces, they said no! Right? She called you ugly, remember said no! Right? She called you ugly, remember this later, she called you ugly! And they still love me. That's what I'm advocating here for people,
Starting point is 00:30:13 the right to choose, okay? We get to choose our own time zone, which my opponent, a man, is. Yep, yep, okay. That's the Baird up the round, everybody. is... Yep. Yep. Okay. That's the Baird up the round, everybody.
Starting point is 00:30:30 Oh, he's time. I got it. Wow. When I hear a knockout, I got to acknowledge it, you know? That was a mercy bell there. All right,
Starting point is 00:30:41 to pay it or is it? It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Newfoundland's time zone, brought to you by KFC's collectible Timex watches. They take a finger licking and keep on ticking. Good one. That was a good one.
Starting point is 00:31:00 According to a CBC article, prior to Newfoundland's 1935 passing of the Standard Time Act, the postmaster went by solar time, wireless officials went by eastern time, and the lighthouse keeper went by what? Hisham? A good time. Nice shout out to lighthouse keepers there.
Starting point is 00:31:21 Noor? He went by LKT, lighthouse keeper time. I like that. Yeah. Little LKT. Nope. Went by Daylight time. What time of day it is. We also would have accepted, watch out, the light's coming around again time. The transcript of an 1870 budget debate in the House of Assembly... Oh, God, now we got you listening. ...reveals that at the time, many fishing villages in Newfoundland
Starting point is 00:31:56 set their clocks by what daily event? Hisham. When the liquor store opened. Audience is getting more... You beautiful, beautiful people. Thank you so much for that. Audience has given you one and a half. The transcript of an 1870 budget debate in the House of Assembly reveals that at the time,
Starting point is 00:32:17 many fishing villages in Newfoundland set their clocks by what daily event? It was the firing of a noonday gun on Signal Hill in St. John's. In 1988, the provincial government experimented with double daylight saving time, moving clocks ahead two hours instead of one. Why was the experiment abandoned? Noor. Because I was born that year, and my name in Arabic means light, so I brought enough light into the world
Starting point is 00:32:47 that they didn't need it anymore. Just a reminder, she called you ugly. So point out. Remember that part. Doesn't matter. Three points. Hisham. Someone did the math wrong, and it ended up
Starting point is 00:33:02 being Tuesday for three weeks. I will give two points for that answer. The real answer is that it forced children to go to school in the dark in October. That's the firing line, everybody. It is almost time for our Holy Heart Theatre audience to vote. But first, here again to tell us why Newfoundland's time zone is more like the Twilight Zone to him, let's hear again from Hisham Kaladi. APPLAUSE
Starting point is 00:33:40 Newfoundland, did you know three other countries that have a 30-minute time zone? Iran, Afghanistan, and Australia. Is that really the country you want to be compared to? Australia. Australia. There are literally so many benefits to having a normal time zone. All your TV times will be fixed. You get to go to work a little later.
Starting point is 00:34:18 And most importantly, that's an extra 30 minutes of sleep. An extra 30 minutes. An extra 30 minutes of sleep. An extra 30 minutes. An extra 30 minutes of sleep. That's my whole argument. An extra 30 minutes of sleep. There's an old joke here in Newfoundland. The world ends at midnight 1230 in Newfoundland. And you guys are so happy, dancing a jig in the kitchen, excited to be the last ones alive.
Starting point is 00:34:45 But that just means you guys have to clean it all up. Move your clocks back 30 minutes and come die with the rest of us. Thank you, Newfoundland, you beautiful, handsome, sexy people. I, Venetian Pilate, goodbye forever. He's Sam Kalati. Very interesting take on the time zone change. Now, here to say see you later to anyone who won't give Newfoundland's time zone the time of day,
Starting point is 00:35:20 let's hear again from Noor Hadidi. Thank you. You know, I have to say, this debate has been really fun, and I've enjoyed my time with you all, but I'd like to end on a more serious note. Okay. Wow, not taking a woman seriously. Okay, he shan't.
Starting point is 00:35:49 First, they came for the Newfoundland time zone, and I did not speak out. Because I was not in the Newfoundland time zone. Then they came for Quebec, and I did not speak out because I was not Poutine. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me. Thank you. Nora Hedini, in the most succinct closing argument we've ever had. Thank you, Nora.
Starting point is 00:36:22 It is up to this audience to decide. By applause, who agreed with Hisham that when anyone talks up Newfoundland's time zone, he tends to zone out? Hisham Kaladi. Nice support. Nice support for Hisham. And who thought that Noor's argument
Starting point is 00:36:41 on the greatness of Newfoundland's time zone was right in the zone? Noor Hadidi on the greatness of Newfoundland's time zone was right in the zone? Noor Hadidi. That's it. The audience has spoken. They agree. The best time zone in the world is this one. The winner is Noor Hadidi, everybody.
Starting point is 00:36:57 Big hand for Noor Hadidi and Hisham Kaladi. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying whatever time zone you're in right now We're ahead of you because this was pre-recorded I'll argue with you again soon Canada goodnight The Debaters is created by Richard Seid This week's episode was produced by
Starting point is 00:37:18 Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Mark Strong. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, Emily Ferrier, and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Holy Heart Theatre in St. John's.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.