The Debaters - 1908: It’s Not Okay to Ignore the News & Windows vs. Doors

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

Charlie Demers and Lisa Baker are anything but fake when they discuss if it's okay to ignore the news. Then, are windows superior to doors? Graham Clark and Charles Haycock tear a weather-strip off each other in this architectural argument.

Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us,

and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb too since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms and honestly we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,

that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. This is a CBC Podcast. This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters.

And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, things are about to get messy, eh? From the birthplace of hockey legend Mark Messier, St. Albert, Alberta, it's The Debaters! Hey Canada! Things are about to get messy, eh? From the birthplace of hockey legend Marc Messier, St. Albert, Alberta, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now for a man who always hits the mark,

Steve Patterson! Hey! Hello Canada! Thanks Graham! Welcome back to The Debaters! We are here in the beautiful St. Albert, part of the Edmonton Metropolitan Region. A place where you can find some real hidden gems, like a culinary institution that for nearly 40 years has sold the region's best fried chicken, Ralph's Handy Mart. Am I right? If that sounds like a convenience store, you're correct. Owner Hussein Saleh bought Ralph's in 1986, and according to his son,

his dad was too cheap to change the sign, so he renamed it Ralph's. Unfortunately, in 2022, Ralph's Handymart had to close after the property was bought by condo developers. Boo! But since then, the Saleh's have opened two new Ralph's fried chicken locations, and as a bonus, the new condos will be known as the Ralph's Handy Mart Towers.

Untrue story. All right. It is time to meet two debaters whom I hope aren't too chicken to come out here. This comic tried building his own staircase and was luckily able to stick the landing. It's Vancouver's Charlie Demers! Charlie Demers, one of our favorites, making his way to the podium to my left. And this comic was dared to shoplift at the pharmacy

and promptly took a powder. It's Edmonton's Lisa Baker! Bring out Lisa Baker! Edmonton via Lisa Baker! Bring out Lisa Baker! Edmonton via Newfoundland. Your topic, debaters, is hot off the presses. News! Is it okay to ignore it?

We're gonna talk about ignoring the main thing people watch on this network. You know, I've always been interested in the news myself, but like many of you, I just don't know who to trust anymore. I mean, Adrienne Arsenault is obviously a trustworthy journalist who asks tough questions to anyone, including the head of the CBC network. She bravely asked the head of CBC whether other CBC heads were getting bonuses

without losing her head. And by the way, I don't know if we've actually made any headway with that. It's time now for a debate that'll be extra, extra funny. So, whereas it can lead to more misinformation, less accountability, and disconnected citizens, be it resolved, it is not okay to just ignore the news. Charlie, you're arguing for this. You have two minutes. Starting now, Charlie Demers. Thank you. Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Hello, and it is great to be with you all here on the CBC, our national public broadcaster.

Yeah. I think that opening should age well, provided this episode airs before Prime Minister Poliev is elected. You know, the CBC hasn't always just been joke debates and Bob McDonald making you feel existentially insignificant against the backdrop of an ever-expanding universe. Before it was banned by Mark Zuckerberg, CBC was also once an important source of Canadian news. Why is news seen as a public service in this country? Because it's fundamental to a healthy, functioning democracy.

Think of the day's events as so many stormy seas to navigate. That's why we call the person who gives you the news an anchor. And without them, we're in deep ship. An informed citizenry is a basic prerequisite for civil society. Without it, you could end up empowering a tyrant or electing Danielle Smith. If the people of Canada aren't aware of what's going on day by day, we'll have no way of knowing when it's time to vote out a corrupt government from office, or when it's time to significantly change our eating or drinking habits, or simply when it's time to grab a bunch of our buddies, hop in the big rigs, and get honking. I know it can feel luxurious to escape the stresses of paying attention, but life isn't one big stay at an all-inclusive resort. Although it may seem that way because

the food is generally bad and all the hard work is being done by people from the global south. But life isn't a holiday. Life makes demands upon us because we're all in it together. So as a British Columbian, I should know what's going on in Toronto and Ottawa in case I ever live someplace that matters. Thank you. Charlie Demers, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the news.

And it got pretty real. Points there. Still too real. I just wrote the word Poyliev in a sad face. Now, here to convince you all that no news is good news to her, let's hear from Lisa Baker.

Look, it's 2024. We have access to all the information we need and we're still pretending we are dependent on the media that is controlled by the government, Illuminati, and Hollywood cult elitists? Come on. Who needs the news when we have Jim, the 48-year-old twice-divorced high school dropout YouTuber

who hasn't... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Who hasn't read a social cue from an obviously uninterested woman, much less a news article, since 98. LAUGHTER

We have social media nowadays, sheeple. And with the Facebook media blackout, it's gotten even better. No need to read entire articles when you can just read the misspelled status updates from the unsung heroes who have already scoured the internet to find the information that best fits our narrative. And really, why do you think you're gonna find out the truth? Don't be so delusional. Why the need for all this information? Where's your sense of adventure? Right? Start living like the tourists who travel without so much as a Google search. Who cares if it's hurricane season? You go enjoy that East Coast lobster.

Why not go live it up in the murder capital of Canada? Shout out, Thunder Bay. And really, civil unrest is just one big block party. Am I right? Shots, shots, shots! As a Newfoundlander, I just go to the corner store and start a conversation with the oldest person there. In under five minutes, I know who's lying, who's cheating, and who's stealing catalytic converters.

Thank you, Steve. Yeah. Lisa Baker with a very passionate argument against the news, But not all news. She gets her news from, it's true, the Newfoundland Network is a pretty good one.

And I suggest you all go to a school. You just gotta talk to Gladys. Get the news from Gladys. It is time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether it's okay to ignore the news.

So as we prepare to hear what you essay today, remember, you're trying to newscastigate your CNN-emy. Take a soundbite out of their news-weak position and send them home national post-haste. Generate some buzz, feed off the audience. And make your argument Hannah-Man-Singh. Please, please don't globe and mail it in starting now.

I mean this is not fair because everything just sounds more convincing and charming in a northern Alberta accent. Clearly playing to the locals. But I mean I actually don't think it's fair for a Newfoundlander to like to come to Canada. The rest of Canada say, oh, you know, you don't need to. Yeah, yeah, I'm complaining about Newfie immigrants. Let's say that's what I'm. We've been proud of Canada since 1949.

Oh, did you read that story? No, I'm hearing're all about the news! Whatever, Trudeau lover! Yeah, no. Trudeau lover. This is the thing, you don't even understand. Like, I'm a communist. I, like... Are you okay?

No! I'm not okay. Because here's the thing, Lisa. Of course you're anti-vax if you're not reading the news because you didn't hear we solved polio. And we've been trying to get you the message. My country didn't have that vaccine.

Oh, now it's a different country. Boo her. Listen, I mean, I'm not saying you have to trust all these, like, I know that various news organizations lie. I'm not saying trust authority. I'm not saying, but I am saying we need news.

We need somebody out there asking questions. Ideally, not somebody with a GoPro camera on a fedora. Can bring that information back and share it. I know sharing is communism. What? Are you serious? So what is it? We either listen to the news or we don't. Look, this is ridiculous.

See, now you're just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Pick a side, Charlie. I listen to, there's a wide range of sources. So I listen to CBC, obviously. But, yeah. But I I listen to CBC, obviously. But yeah. But I also listen to Radio Canada. And those are the main two. All right.

That was a fair knock around. We are debating whether it's okay to ignore the news on CBC. And I'm not even sure, now that I think about it, that they're going to air this. Oh, don't worry. It'll show up on Lisa's, you know, secret podcast. Exposed! CBC buries debates.

I don't care what happens as long as I get pagered. The official slogan of Newfoundland and Labrador. All right. All right, debaters. It's time now for the firing line. In my hands, I have a list of questions on ignoring the news brought to you by the Edmonton Sun.

The Edmonton Sun. You can trust us for the scores of Oilers games, and that's about it. Finish this quote, often attributed to Mark Twain. If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're what? Charlie. A baby boomer.

That's just a statistically accurate answer. It was some good support. I'll give you two points for that. Lisa Baker. You think you're better than me. I honestly don't know if you're mad at me sometimes. If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. Yeah.

Even Mark Twain agreed with me. That's right. If you read the National Post, you're mister-informed. According to Nielsen ratings, 67.1 million people watched the first debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump, making it the most watched U.S. event of the past four years with the exception of what?

Lisa. The last presidential assassination. Charlie. I do want to point out that Lisa doesn't know that there was an assassination attempt because she doesn't read the news.

Fake news! She's referring to John F. Kennedy. I am. I am. The Harris-Trump debate was the most watched U.S. event of the past four years, with the exception of the Super Bowl. More people still watch the Super Bowl because Taylor Swift was at it. Right. In 2023, a writer for Success magazine ignored the news for 30 days and said while he felt somewhat disconnected from the world, he also felt what?

Charlie. Like he hadn't seen President John F. Kennedy for a while and wondered how he was doing. Lisa. He felt more smarter. You know what? Great answer. Great answer.

The actual answer is more creative and introspective, but no one cares. That's the firing line, everybody. We are so close, St. Albert. It is almost time for this magnificent art and theater audience to pick a winner. But first, have you heard the news? No? Well, neither has she. Here's Lisa Baker.

When it comes to finding information, why do research when someone has already ventured down the rabbit hole for you? You need to think for yourself these days and don't get caught up on things like facts or the validity of the information. Trust no one. Well, except for the guy who has committed his life to fighting for your freedom by posting other people's content from his mom's basement. He knows the truth! Thank you. Lisa Baker says it's okay to ignore the news.

Now, taking a firm news stand on why it's bad news to ignore the news, here's Charlie Demers. Thank you. In our data-inundated society, we've gotten used to brushing away vital information with the casual contempt of a medieval boy king

beheading a loquacious minstrel. We treat flight attendants explaining emergency exits as though they were knocking on our doors trying to convert us to new religions. None of us is totally sure if we're still technically in a pandemic or not. We weigh our doctor's advice against the content of podcast conversations between comedians in videos that can literally be described as viral. Well, newsflash. You need newsflashes. You don't need to know everything.

But when you hear that every hour, on the hour, on your radio, you know you'll have all the information you'll need for the next 59 minutes. Thank you. Charlie DeVeis, ladies and gentlemen. On why we need the news, Lisa Baker says the opposite,

and it is up to the St. Albert audience to decide. By applause, how many of you listened to Lisa's lecture and found it hard to ignore how easy it is to ignore the news? Lisa Baker. All right. All right. A lot of love for Lisa. And how many of you agree that Charlie's pro-news information oration was no news flash in the pan?

Charlie Demers! The audience has spoken. We still need the news. The winner is Charlie Demers, ladies and gentlemen. Big hand for Charlie and Lisa Baker! You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to

follow us on Instagram at at CBC Debaters. Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to emcee weddings a lot, and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere fun, like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a week,

and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us, and we met lots of locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb, too, since usually it just sits empty while we're away. It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people. It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms. And honestly, we'd appreciate the house earning a bit of income to help with our next trip.

Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting, that couple I emceed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show. My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus. And being I'm losing my vision has been hard, but explaining it to other people has been harder. Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds.

By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted, from CBC's Personally, available now. Hey, St. Albert, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that crowd, Canada. Let's do it. This comic demanded to be made up like a smurf until he was blue in the face. It's Vancouver's Graham Clark! Graham, come out here!

Graham Clark! Yes! The one and only! Thanks, Steve. And this comic felt embarrassed dropping that waffle, which explains the bruised ego. It's Alberta's Charles Haycock! Come on out here, Charles!

Hello, my friend! Charles striding across the stage to my right. Hello, Steve. Your topic is one that we are ready to crack wide open. Windows! Are they superior to doors? Finally! Finally! Finally!

My dad, John Patterson, was pretty creative when it came to homemade doors. My brother spent a lot of time in the family garage working on cars, so Dad cut a small door into our larger steel garage door to make it easier to get in and out of. His small door in the big door invention worked great until the small door fell off because he was not a welder, thus leaving a large hole in the big door, which it turns out is an excellent window for thieves to figure out which family car to steal first. Time now for a debate that'll be an open and shut case.

So, whereas they allow in natural light, offer a spacious feel, and bring us closer to the outside world, be it resolved that windows are superior to doors. Graham, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Graham Clark. You know what I call people who like doors? Dorks.

Good night, everybody. First of all, good luck getting your order at the drive-thru door. What are they going to do? put your order through the mail slot? You think a Tim Hortons chili is going to survive that? Have you guys heard of Tim Hortons? Say you want to listen to the doors on a PC. What will help you do it? Windows!

In The Shining, a door doesn't really stand a chance against Jack Torrance. How does little Danny escape? Here's the window! Even doors have windows. Have you ever used a peephole? Not a peep show, you freaks, a peephole. It's a tiny little window that lets you know what creep is lurking outside your door.

Maybe someone inviting you to a peep show. Have you guys heard of peep shows? Washing windows is honest work for the squeegee kid and the bikini-clad car washer alike. Has anyone ever washed a door? Never. They're disgusting. Without windows, what will peeping Toms do?

Won't somebody think about the peeping toms? Don't be a doorknob. Vote for windows. Thank you. Hey! Graham Clark. Thank you, Graham. Now, here to walk us through his entry-level position on doors, let's hear from Charles Haycock. Listen, I'm sick of all this window propaganda

sponsored by Big Window to brainwash you to buy windows. Why is everyone buying windows? Have you seen rich people lately? Have you seen a mansion? Windows, every... Sometimes the whole wall is a window. Sometimes they put windows in the roof of the house and they buy cars and put windows in the roof of the car.

Everything is made out of window. After a while, I'm like, bro, go outside. It's not a painting. But you guys are saying, yeah, but Charles, you're wearing glasses. Those are just tiny little windows for your face. Yeah, well, I'm brainwashed too, okay? I understand the struggle, but do you know what else I have? I have eyelids, which are tiny little doors for my face.

Which were given to me by God, because God gave us doors, and the devil gave us those apples and stupid little windows. You know what the worst gift is the devil gave us? Contacts. When there's a window, and you don't even know it's there. And listen, I'm not just saying all this

because I live in a basement. Do you want to teach your kids that you can see everything coming and wind doesn't exist? Or do you want to teach them that beyond that next door could be their future wife, but also maybe a terrorist. And isn't that exciting? Thank you. Charles Haycock. All right. It's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We are debating whether windows are superior to doors.

So time to bring the pain. As you tear... Some of you are injured by that one. It's time to bring the pain as you tear a weather strip off your opponent. Look, I've said it a mullion times. It's what the peoples want. None of these jokes have been screened or anything. So try not to get in a jam or the crowd might deadbolt for the exits. Time to make your own grand entrance now. Well, you know what, Graham?

After you mentioned it, I realized that having a drive-thru door with food put in a mail slot is actually a perfect idea. When I'm ordering three chilies, I don't want to then have to make eye contact with someone. It's shameful enough that I'm there at all. I don't need someone to know that I'm alone in the car. Well, some of us, Charles, want to be competitive eaters, so we got to get used to people staring at us and judging us. Do you know, like, have you ever noticed when you're in a place that they're not allowed food,

the slashers always threw a picture of a hot dog, right? You know what I'm talking about? Why do they do that, Charles? I mean, it seems like you can still eat. They're just trying to get you to take better care of yourself. Because they never have like a big cucumber with an X over it. You know what I mean? I mean, does anyone know what he means?

Quick recap. The topic... that I have is windows versus doors. It has nothing to do with hot dogs or cucumbers. Neither of those things are... I mean, it's a very thinly sliced cucumber is kind of a window, so... Look, this isn't a town that I think a lot of cyclists are active in, but...

Ooh. Did you all ride your bikes here tonight? But, you know, people carelessly, in any city, open their door and can hit cyclists. Have you ever been doored, Charles?

What? Yeah, I like being adored. It's, um... Okay, that's... That was the bare knuckle round. You're listening to Quirks and Quarks. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on windows versus doors brought to you by the French.

The French, who prove their love of doors over windows with the simple phrase, j'adore. According to an article from Surplus Building Materials, common mistakes to avoid when installing a door include measuring incorrectly, using the wrong screws, and what else? Graham. Don't install a screen door on a submarine. Old joke, but I'm glad I did it.

Charles. Old joke, but I'm glad I did it Charles? Measuring incorrectly, using the wrong screws And also still living in your parents' house I can't argue with that That's an official point The other mistake is hanging the door upside down Seems weird to me. The screen door was good, right? It was better than that.

I mean, by comparison. It was better than the answer. According to ODL door suppliers, what is a window within a door called? Graham? A-hole. I'm not sure if you phrased that the way you meant to, but give you a point. A window within a door is called a door light.

I think the journey was worth the destination on that one Finish this tagline from the 1954 Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window Still brings up painful memories for some Through his rear window and the eye of his powerful camera He watched what? Oh, Graham He watched Alfred Hitchcock eat some ham over a sink.

Incorrect, but one point. Charles. That's weird. I was going to say he watched a production assistant watching Alfred Hitchcock eating ham over a sink. Getting more and more meta as we go further away from the theme. Cause you see, Alfred Hitchcock would always make an appearance in his films eating ham over a sink.

Everybody knows that. One guy over there knew that. The actual answer. Through his rear window and the eye of his powerful camera, he watched a great city tell on itself, expose its cheating ways, and murder! And that is radio theater.

That's the end, folks. That's the firing line. Yes. We're getting close to that magical time here at the Arden Theatre where the audience votes, but first, here again to reframe his opening argument on doors,

let's hear again from Charles Haycock. Okay, I just touched gum under this podium. It was pretty gross, but... Back to the show. But, um... Back to the show. Listen. Have you guys noticed how some rich people buy tinted windows?

That's crazy. Like, oh, I get to have a window. But you don't. You can have a reflection over your own low-income face. Window people suck and I want to make it clear, windows suck, okay? That's why there is no band called The Windows. No one takes psychedelics to dive into the windows of perception, okay? Finally, we have a growing amount of people that are out there harming animals. Do you guys

know that the number one way that humans kill birds is by owning a window? How is that cool? Why do we do... And birds, they love plants, and we put plants in the house right in front of the window. What, to lure them in? I rest my case. Thanks, Charles. Charles Haycutt. Bringing it all together there at the end, you bunch of

bird murderers. Now, here to tell us why for him, when choosing between windows over doors, the choice is clear. Let's hear from Graham Clark. How many times has the push and pull doors make you look like an idiot? No matter how it's marked, it is always the wrong way. Doors laugh in our faces. Can you imagine leaving a pie by the door to cool? I hope you enjoy your rat pie. This is all for rats.

Oh yeah, there's no rats here. That's right. Wow. Also, this isn't a town hall. What is it that God opens when a door closes? Does he open another stupid door? No. The door had its chance.

We all know what God does. Crack that window. A cheers to the window. Here's seeing through you, kid. Thank you. Graham Clark trying to win one for the windows here. All right, it's up to you to decide. By applause, how many of you believe that Graham cracked you all up with a smashing argument for windows, Graham Clark? That's some nice love in the room for Graham. All right.

And who agreed that Charles got a lock on his pro-door dialogue with some key points. Charles Haycock. Well fought. Well fought on either side. But I've got to give this one to Charles Haycock, ladies and gentlemen. Pro-dors. Pro-dors. Big hand for Charles Haycock and Graham Clark.

Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying remember the eyes are the windows to the soul and can show you when you adore someone. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark.

With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Corey Haberstock. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Emily Ferrier, Katie Ellen Humphries and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Arden Theatre in St. Albert. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.