The Debaters - 1913: Left vs. Right & Christmas Markets

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Is left superior to right? David Pryde and Derek Seguin do right by their Ottawa audience during this divergent debate. Then, Kate Davis and Ron Sparks turn the yule-tide when they discuss if Christmas markets are a holiday must.

Hi there, Steve Patterson here. You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast.

This podcast is an extended version of The Debaters, which may contain more mature themes. To stream the radio-friendly version of this episode, download the CBC Listen app or go to cbc.ca slash The Debaters. And thanks for listening to The CBC. Hey Canada, we're ready to be the centre of attention from Centre Boy Theatre in Ottawa, Ontario. It's the Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who makes a point of having a point. Steve Patterson.

Hey! Thanks Graeme Clark! Hello Canada! Welcome back to The Debaters! It's always great to be back here in Ottawa. Ottawa. A city where sometimes the politics at Parliament Hill can get a little grotesque. Not between the parties, necessarily, but the literal grotesques.

For people who don't know, grotesques are the sculptures on the exterior of the centre block, mostly dragons and gargoyles. Yeah, things true. Things that only exist in myth Like a sitting MP from the People's Party of Canada I think that's why Maxime Bernier always looks so stone-faced Now it's time to meet two debaters eager to chisel away at this debate This comic made a tripod for an alarm clock Now it's time to meet two debaters eager to chisel away at this debate.

This comic made a tripod for an alarm clock and proceeded to test the stand of time. It's Montreal's David Pride! David Pride! Big hands for David as he makes his way across the stage to my right. Hello, Steve. Hello, my right. Hello, Steve. Hello, my friend. And this comic claims to have discovered a mysterious work of street art, but don't Banksy on it. It's Brassens Quebec's Derek Seguin!

There he is! Derek Seguin! Hi. Hello, friends. Your topic is one that will have you choosing left versus right. Which is the superior side? Finally, I'm so excited about this debate because it's the perfect topic for me to literally be in the middle of. Whenever the left and right start arguing,

the best case scenario is to meet in the middle. And that's where I am already. I am a middle-aged, middle-class man with a middling physique in the middle of the stage at Meridian Theater, known as Centerpoint, which is another word for middle. Yeah. And now it's time for a debate that will make you pick a side. So, whereas it's less conventional, more progressive, and even a little mysterious, be it resolved that left is superior to right.

David, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, David Pride. Thank you. Thanks very much. How are we doing? We having a good time? Great, great. And God will separate them one from another. And he will set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on his left. Yeah, that's from a book someone left in a drawer in my hotel room.

Oh, yeah, no, it speaks volumes, I think. See, God puts sheep on his right, and whom does he put on his left? The goats! Greatest of all time. Yeah. And yes, many of the greatest people were left-handed. Leonardo da Vinci, Jimi Hendrix, and America's first black president, Morgan Freeman.

The film was Deep Impact. Look it up. Left is the superior side of this debate. Notice I didn't say it's the right side, because we're not getting cute saying right means correct, so it should win, because then I could just say, well, left is the higher position, because it means to elevate, as in to left up our spirits. It's okay, I know it doesn't make sense, but the point is, it isn't right. The Mona Lisa shows her left side. She raises the left corner of her mouth ever so slightly. And bam! A priceless work of art.

Donald Trump's mugshot. That favors the right side. And bam! 49.75 on Etsy. On an actual mug. Very popular with the far right. Look, as a Quebec driver, I can attest to the adrenaline rush approaching a left turn at an intersection, just inching forward

till that green light flashes like an ecstatic third base coach waving you in. Go, go, go, go! Clearing the turn seconds before that oncoming ambulance. Whoo! Oh. To feel that alive every day, oh. Well, two guesses which nut I would give.

For a world like that. Thank you. Oh, David Pride, on behalf of the left side. Thank you, David. On behalf of the left side. Thank you, David. Now, here to fight for the right's right to party, let's hear from the Très Bon Derek Sagan. Thank you.

First, on what planet is left superior to right? Right is right. It's right there in the name. It's right. Left is left the building. Left has no chance. Left is weird. It's not for nothing that 87.4% of the population of the planet are right-handed.

I made that up, but it's pretty close to that, I'm sure. It's just the natural way. You know who's left-handed? The devil and Mark Zuckerberg. I mean, I guess left can be okay as a political stance, but so can slightly right. But let's face it, there is no more slightly in politics anymore, right, Ottawa? It's all so extreme. Reason has left politics. So let's not even talk about left or right politically, but rather let's talk about your right to believe whatever you like. Yes. Rights are wonderful things. Lefts, well, left is not as wonderful.

Ask anyone whose father left when they were little. We don't like left very much at all, now do we? David Pryde over there, loving left, because guess what, his dad never left him. I also happen to know for a fact that his wife hasn't left him yet either. Must be nice, Mr. Pride. To even be able to hear the word left without deep trauma flashbacks.

But I digress. I've always wanted to digress. In all things, left is bad. Dangerous, even. Like when we turn right on a red, right? It can do that. Even turning left on a green can be harrowing. We're better off

just taking three rights and circling the block. That's the safe way. Left is weird. Right is... What is right, everybody? It's right! Suck it, pride.

Thank you. Derek Sagan, on behalf of right. It's time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating left versus right, so let's pick up where we left off. Play your cards right and before you exit stage left get your opponent dead to rights. So what's left to say, but let's get right to it and make sure the audience is left laughing right now. I'd like to start with, um... suck it, say again.

I thought you were gonna say something like, Leviticus 4.2. 4.2? 4.2! Hey, my God is in the metric system, all right, buddy? Okay. But even that analogy that goat on the left and sheep on the right or whatever, goat like God knew greatest of all time, like, no, not goat.

Goat is crap. You ever heard of a goat chop? No, lamb chop, yum. And ever heard of a goat chop? No, lamb chop. Yum. And you know what lamb stands for? It's left always making catastrophes. That was badastrophic. That was right there.

Yeah, badastrophic. Yeah. You know, what's interesting is the left side of the brain, that's the side that processes language. So you should be grateful because without the left side, no one here would understand a word you're saying. That's not... French people don't have the two sides of the brain. I don't know what prefrontal lobotomy you English people are getting. And you made a baseball analogy, perfect analogy, baseball,

where he's just turning left the whole time, turning left, most boring game ever created. Oh, my God. That might be where he lost him, or someone needs medical assistance. Seriously? Just traumatized somebody. Yeah, yeah, no, that didn't sound right.

Couldn't you have rang the bell like three seconds ago? Dave will give you the last word if you want it. Yeah, if people left you, serves you right. All right. Yes. That was the bare knuckle round, everybody. Oh. All right, we are debating left versus right on the debaters,

and it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on left versus right, brought to you by leftovers, food that usually isn't quite right. According to the Cleveland Clinic, why is your left lung smaller than your right lung? David Pride? To lower its carbon emissions. In a Cleveland clinic, why is your left lung smaller than your right lung? David Pryde? To lower its carbon emissions. Well played.

Smaller footprint. Okay. Derek Zegar? For me, it's because I smoke with my right hand. It's like cross-multiplying. You smoke with your right, it goes in the le- Anyway, it's science. You guys wouldn't get it. Well, thanks for trying to come down to our level briefly there. Yeah, you know. According to the Cleveland Clinic,

your left lung is smaller than your right lung because it has a notch where your heart fits. That's discovery. Suck it, Quirks and Quarks! I'm kidding. Quirks and Quarks is a great show. Please keep listening. The book, Key Concepts in Politics and International Relations, I know you've got that on your nightstand,

Derek, says politically... I have a nightstand. Does a TV box count? The book Key Concepts in Politics and International Relations says politically the right is generally characterized by authority, order, and tradition, while the left is characterized by what? Derek.

Sex, drugs, and the rock and the roll. And health care, and? Derek. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And health care. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, and health care. Good answer. Three points. David Pryde. Anti-MAGA pro-Lady Gaga. Also good.

Two and a half points. The left is characterized by freedom rights and progress but who needs that that's the firing line everybody all right or all left i don't want to show any bias. It's almost time for our Centerpoint Theatre audience to vote. But first, here again to reboot, and rightly so, it's Derek Sagan. Thanks. You know, sometimes the universe sends us signs, David, to help us see the truth, to see what's right. And right now, I look to my right, and I see two of my bestest comedy buddies. Steve, my comedy BF since 2008, and you, David, my high school classmate. The school that left me behind and kicked me out, by the way. And a classmate I always found a bit odd.

So it was a big surprise when we both became stand-up comedians. But it's just so right, David. The right, it's safe, it's natural. When you have an itch and you scratch it with your right hand, it's evolution. Pure instinct. Scratch with your left hand and you know what you got? Pink eye. Good luck.

Thank you. Derek Sagan, ladies and gentlemen, with a lovely, lovely compliment right out of the gate and then a questionable fact to finish off. Thank you, Derek. Now, making sure that nothing has been left unsaid, let's hear again from David Pride. David! has been left unsaid. Let's hear again from David Pride. Paraphrasing the great Luther Ingram, if loving left is wrong, I don't want to be right.

By the way, Luther comes from a Germanic word meaning left. And if you believe that, Ingram is an Anglo-saxophone word, meaning fabricated nonsense. Where will you be left standing? On the side of Ottawa's most famous left winger, forward for the Senators, David Perron, or Ottawa's most famous right winger, backwards for the Parliament, Pierre Pallier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that was another sharp left turn.

Woo! Thank you very much. David Pride, on behalf of the left side. This has been a hard-fought debate. The audience has a tough decision to make, but make it they must. It is time to vote.

By applause, who thought that David delivered a knockout punch with his solid left hook? David Pride. A lot of love for the left, for David. And who's voting for Derek, believing that he's in the right place at the right time? Derek Sagan. The audience has spoken.

The winner is Derek Sagan. Right is better than left. Big hand for Derek Sagan. David Pride, everybody. You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want to be a part of the debating action? For upcoming tour dates, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters. Hi there, Steve Patterson here.

You know, I travel a lot for work on my own, so when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife Nancy and our daughters along, I jump at it. On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb. It was a nice home in a nice neighborhood, and it even had room for our dog Ferris, which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a nice place to stay for some nice people, too, since it sits empty while we're away.

And honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards the next trip. Because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. My name is Graham Isidore. I have a progressive eye disease called keratoconus. Unmaying I'm losing my vision has been hard, but explaining it to other people has been harder.

Lately, I've been trying to talk about it. Short Sighted is an attempt to explain what vision loss feels like by exploring how it sounds. By sharing my story, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted, we get into all the things you don't see about hidden disabilities. Short Sighted from CBC's Personally, available now. Ottawa, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? That sounds like a yes. This comic thinks SpaceX should send a kangaroo on its next mission,

making it the first Mars-oopial. It's Toronto's Kate Davis. Come on out, Kate. And Kate Davis is festively dressed in a shiny green tie with accompanying headwear and a full bag of festivities, it looks like. Kate is actually decorating her podium as we speak with Garland. This is probably going to be explained later, I imagine. Thank you, Steve. Hello. Wow, welcome. I can't even see you anymore. It's exciting. And this comic incorrectly predicted an earthquake but insists it wasn't his fault.

It's Chatham, Ontario's Ron Sparks! Come on out, Ron! Ron is equally festive! In Santa garb, complete with furry mitts and a hat, He looks like jolly old Kris Kringle himself. Hi, Steve. Gee, I sure hope these outfits have something to do with this topic. Your topic is one that will have you ha-ha-ha-ing and ho-ho-ho-ing. Christmas markets. Are they a must during the holiday season? Thank you. Thank you.

One audience member thinks so. Ottawa has a huge Christmas market with over 50 vendors and I hope one of them sells something that I first tried at a Christmas market in Quebec. Th de la neige. Mmm. Which, for Anglophone listeners, is boiling maple syrup on snow. And for our American listeners, yes, that's the most Canadian we get. Unless it's being served by an apologetic toque-wearing moose

on the CBC. Time now for a debate that everyone is in the market for. So, whereas they offer charming artisanal vendors, enchanting decor, and festive food and drink, be it resolved, Christmas markets are a holiday must. Kate, you are arguing for this. You have two minutes. Starting now, Kate Davis.

Thank you. Thank you. Do you smell that, Steve? Kate Davis. Thank you. Thank you. Do you smell that, Steve? That's pine needles. Yeah, I love the smell of pine needles in the morning. That's when you know it's Christmas market time. Christmas markets are like the holiday Olympics

for people who love cold weather without the skis or medals, but adore tinsel and bad food choices. Hey Steve, do you know the difference between a tea biscuit and a Christmas scone? Yeah, eight bucks. Worth every penny. We don't care how cold it is or how we can't feel our toes. Oh, no.

Because we need that hand-carved cheese board and that snow globe with that snowman looking like he's trying to escape. Sort of like my husband's face when I tell him we're going to the Christmas market. Twelve hours we were there, Steve. Twelve wonderful hours. Christmas markets are a holiday must. Where else am I going to get mulled wine at 8 in the morning? You start off with one cup, and after the fourth vendor,

you're a mulled wine sommelier. And the eggnog counted as your breakfast. Delish. Look, the crowds are my people. Ugly Christmas sweaters, candy cane breath, and Ebenezer Scrooge over here. Oh, yeah, he would rather you shop at Amazon and buy Christmas presents not made by your grandma,

but made by children. Boo! There is something quaint and old-school and community about a Christmas market. It brings people together. It gets us in the giving spirit and we get to take lots of elfies. Sorry Steve, I had to. Thank you. Kate Davis. I've known Kate a long time. I did not know she was this into Christmas markets.

Thank you, Kate Davis. Thank you. Now, here to tell us why he thinks Christmas markets are less of a must and more of a mistake, let's hear from Ron Sparks. Thank you, Steve. I just want to nip this in the bud. She is pro-Christmas markets. I'm against.

Do not read too much into my outfit. It is just laundry day. For those at home, Ron is Santa from the waist up. Ladies and gentlemen of Ottawa, who do Christmas markets even appeal to? We already don't like Christmas shopping. We've all had to do it, elbow our way through aisles at Walmart. Will the same five Christmas carols play in an endless loop.

Luckily, of course, it only lasts through Christmas shopping season, from July until February. We pick up our usual load of lead-filled, made-in-China, fluorescent-colored decorative crap, then curse that the 300 other shoppers were stuck behind in line to get up to pay the PTSD-suffering cashier who's always either under 16 or over 85 years old. As we stand helplessly in that line, sweaty, legs tired, head splitting, nearly passing out from the B.O. fumes

of the jerks packed around us like flatulent sardines. How many of you have said to yourself, well, this is fun, but you know what would make it even better? Mud! If I was also outside in the cold and rain and car exhaust with bugs flying in my mouth and birds using me for target practice,

while also hopscotching my way through a minefield of dog turds. I'll tell you who says that. Nobody! Because Christmas markets don't just have all the awful things those big heartless stores do. They're even worse.

Thank you. Ron Sparks is against Christmas markets. All right, debaters, it's time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating Christmas markets, so I hope you'll log that I won an argument stalking stuffed with jokes. Wreath my lips.

You're to go ornamental on your opponent. And vendor done, this audience will decorate your performance. So let's start in the Saint Nick of time. Ready, set, ho, ho, go! All right, let's just start right here. First of all, you can't bring up bugs in a Christmas debate. There are no bugs.

And second of all, mud, I think you're confusing doing all your Christmas shopping at the dump instead of a Christmas market. And the point about the Christmas market... Just a second. You got to let him speak. We do have to let the other side speak. Yeah. You got to remember, I am slow. But you'll be glad you let me talk

because I'm willing to concede the point. Christmas markets are dumps. Look, the point about the Christmas market is you are buying from local artisans. That's the point of it. You're not buying from big box. Thank you. All right not buying from Big Box. Thank you! Alright, some nice support there. Fan of Big Box

is here. Kid, you brought up artisans and I'm glad because, I mean, stop fooling yourself. All the stores are literally garden sheds. When the guy selling $12 candy canes

is surrounded by old lawnmower parts in Roundup, odds are he's not a world-renowned artisanal confectioner. He's just an ex-con squatting in his shed who's likely also trying to poison you with weed killer. Trying to save some lives here. All right. I'm also trying to poison you with weed killer. Trying to save some lives here. All right. All right, that's the bare knuckle round, everybody. Time now for the firing line.

In my hand, I have a list of questions on Christmas markets, brought to you by the Christmas Stock Market. Make sure to do all your trades before the closing jingle bell. That's about what it deserves. Noisemakers ready, please. Team, you got them?

Yep, okay. Thank you. Oh, wait, hold on. Oh, my God. You even jazzed up. Of course you did. All right. The Ottawa Christmas Market traditionally features a tree lighting ceremony, breakfast with Santa,

and what other event? Ron. Something else stupid. If we ever do a Canadian version of The Grinch, I'm casting you. I'm The Grinch? I'm way too fat. Can we repeat the question?

The Ottawa Christmas Market traditionally features a tree lighting ceremony, breakfast with Santa, and what other event? Kate. Speed dating with Justin Trudeau. Oh, no, that's just a cabinet shuffle. Sorry. The actual answer, a tree lighting ceremony,

breakfast with Santa, and a silent disco with headsets. That sounds like nothing. Doesn't sound like anything. Christmas markets have mainly German origins. What's the German word for Christmas market? Ron Sparks. Das ist eine sehr gute Frage, Steve. Und ich red nur, aber ich muss sagen, Christkindlmarkt? Correct answer! It's the Christkindlmarkt! Ron Sparks!

You continue to surprise me. Wunderbar! According to LadiesWhatTravel.com's article, How to Get the Best from Christmas Markets. What should you do at a Christmas market if you're feeling brave? Kate. Have a seat on Santa's lap. I like that. I like that.

I'll give you two points for that. Nice. Ron? That's a very good question, Steve. I would say a festive faggot. Incorrect. I don't even remember what question we're on, to be totally honest with you. We're the Christmas one, if that helps. Yeah, thank you.

Oh, what should you do at a Christmas market if you're feeling brave? Try a festive haggle. No one cares about the answers when it takes seven minutes to get to the answers from the questions. And that's the firing line, everybody. It is almost time for our fabulous Centerpoint Theatre audience to vote, but first, here again to tell us why festive Christmas markets leave him festering, let's hear again from Ron Sparks.

Oh! Remember when Christmas was Christmas? Families gathered round roaring fires in harmony to laugh, sing carols, and share stories. Not shoddy trinkets purchased from the backs of rusty pickups parked by dumpsters reeking of chum. Have we forgotten what Christmas is really about? A certain special birthday.

Jesus was born in a simple manger, and that was enough. His shack was small but filled to its rafters with just one product, love. Oh! Oh. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I belong in a bygone time and place. But I vote today for family and love. Not Kate's makeshift shanty towns of hopelessness and despair.

Maybe I'm naive, but I just hope some of you still see the world the way I do. Thank you. Ron Sparks. That message was really about the magic of Christmas. Thanks, Ron. And listen for his holiday album, Dumpsters of Chum, coming soon. Now, here to remind us why when she hears about a Christmas market, she always marks it on her calendar. Let's hear from the always joyous and festive Kate Davis.

Thank you! Woo! Hit my music, please. Imagine a world without Christmas markets. Ron would have you buying all generic sweatshop decorations for double the price at Loblaws. Not me. Ron would have us all wearing attractive Christmas sweaters. Not me.

Ron would have you imagine a world where we are being forced to make our own mulled wine. Not me. Oh no, I tried to make my own mulled wine once, Steve. I ended up on antibiotics for three weeks. Then I had to build my own advent calendar so I could remember to take my antibiotics for three weeks. Just me. Finally, where would we find a gnome in a home? You heard me. A gnome in a home made by the debater's very own Nicky Payne. And it's the hired assassin of Elf on a Shelf.

Yeah, do not let Ron take away that magic. Thank you. All right. Kate Davis with a pretty pointed argument on behalf of Christmas Market Joy. Ron Sparks is against. Let's see how the Centerpoint audience has decided. By applause, who was in the market for what Christmas Kate brought to market? Kate Davis. Okay. Lots of tidings of joy for Kate. And who agreed with Ron that it's better to say buy to a Christmas market than buy at a Christmas market?

Ron Sparks. Wow, the crowd is talking. The winner is Ron Sparks. Down with Christmas markets. Kate is tearing apart her podium. She's already done with the season. Big hand with Ron Sparks and Kate Davis, everybody. Well, that's all for this week.

I'm Steve Patterson saying if you do go to a holiday market soon, please get a little extra if you can for those who can't. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by

Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Pascal Jobin. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries,

Emily Ferrier, and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Centerpoint Theatre in Ottawa. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.