The Debaters - 1916: Fake Meat & Scuba Diving
Episode Date: January 23, 2025In this meaty episode from Season 14, Rob Bebenek and Dave Hemstad air their beefs on plant-based meats. Then, Elvira Kurt and Hunter Collins take the plunge when they discuss scuba diving.(Origi...nally recorded in October 2019)
Transcript
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Hi there, listeners. Steve Patterson here. You know, I get asked to MC weddings a lot,
and I'm happy to do it for close friends and family, especially when the wedding is somewhere
fun like, say, Reykjavik, Iceland. So my family and I booked an Airbnb in Reykjavik for a
week, and it was awesome. There was plenty of room for all of us, and we met lots of
locals in the neighborhood. And that made me think about how much our home would be
appreciated by fellow travelers as an Airbnb, too, since usually it just sits empty while we're away.
It's in a great Toronto neighborhood full of restaurants, shops, and friendly people.
It has room for a group of four to all have their own rooms. And honestly, we'd appreciate the house
earning a bit of income to help with our next trip. Intrigued? Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And speaking of hosting,
that couple I am seed the wedding for? Still married. That's how good I am. Though I guess
I can't take all the credit for that. Anyway, let's get to this week's show.
This is a CBC podcast.
The following is a special presentation from the Debater's Fact and Funny Hall of Fame.
Stay tuned for a classic episode airing for the very first time since its original broadcast season.
Hey Canada! Are you ready for a cornucopia of jokes?
From Cornwall, Ontario, it's the Debaters!
Wow!
The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner.
Now here's a man whose stock is always rising, Steve Patterson!
Hey!
Hello, Canada!
Welcome back to the debaters.
We are here in beautiful Cornwall, Ontario,
home of the St. Lawrence Seaway Management Corporation.
Yeah, they deserve a plug.
The Seaway, which is a series of locks and ports
that connect the Great Lakes to the Atlantic Ocean, was made possible by Canada and the United States working together.
That's not the joke.
Was made possible by Canada and the United States working together, which is something
we are confident will happen again. When NORAD, another Canadian United States organization,
tracks unidentified flying bacon.
I'm saying it will happen when pigs fly.
Now, are you ready to meet two debaters who always bring home the bacon?
What do you say, Cornwall?
This comic thinks faster than a speeding bullet, which explains his high caliber.
It's Dave Hempstead. Dave Hempstead taking the podium to my right. And this comic won't
joke about electrons in an effort to stay positive. It's Rob Bebnik! Rob Bebnik! There he is. He looks ready. He won't even look at Dave.
Debaters, your topic is one that goes for the gut. Fake meat. Should everyone have it in their diets?
There are a bunch of products available like Beyond Meat that try to replicate the taste
and texture of meat.
But I'm going to stick with my favorite authentic meat delicacy, mock chicken sandwiches with
Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread.
The holy trinity of foods that aren't what they say they are.
It is a mock miracle wonder that I'm still alive.
Anyway, these two are anything but chicken for this debate. It is a mock miracle wonder that I'm still alive.
Anyway these two are anything but chicken for this debate.
So whereas they are taking the food industry by storm, be it resolved we should all incorporate
plant-based or fake meat into our diets.
Rob, you're arguing for this.
You have two minutes please, starting now.
Hey Cornwall, I have two minutes.
Look, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot here, because my stance could easily
be misconstrued as anti-meat.
I'm not anti-meat, I love meat.
I enjoy it very much.
If you said I couldn't have it anymore, I'd snap. Okay? I was just simply asked, should we
maybe eat plant-based meats once in a while? And I was like,
sure, why not? It's still food,
right? It's still sustenance. Just eat the food.
Why is this a discussion? It's food, eat it,
end of discussion. Some parents food. Eat it. End of discussion.
Some parents have trouble getting their kids to eat veggies. So for you tired, lazy parents...
We've eliminated that problem for you.
I don't like onions, okay?
But I'm not telling people they can't have onions.
That's something sociopaths do, Dave.
All I'm saying is if you like meat but you also care about future generations and humans
on earth, why don't you try veggies a little bit?
You're familiar with earth right?
The only planet in our solar system capable of sustaining human life?
Oh, I'll just hyper sleep on the way to Kepler 22. That's how bad it's gotten.
We're looking for Earth-like planets in other galaxies, which is completely
reasonable and in no way an irrational response to cutting back on beef
Instead of just giving the Beyond Burger a spin
Rob Bebnik
Rob Bebnik doesn't even see why this is a debate
Now to tell us that he prefers the real deal with chops and veal. It's the
It's the always funny and always meaty Dave Hempstead. Thank you Steve. Thank you Cornwall. Look just because something is vegan doesn't mean it's good for you okay.
Oreos are vegan. Eat a couple of sleeves of those dinner, see how good you feel after. Doesn't anyone crave anything real anymore?
I already got fake beer and fake news.
Now I got fake meat.
Sorry, beyond meat.
What does that even mean?
Anybody can say what they're not.
That's not really helpful for comprehension.
Oh, are you Dave?
No, I'm Beyond Rob.
What do you put on top of a Beyond Meat burger anyway?
Call me Ketchup.
Might be mustard.
Hey, pass me that can't legally call it mayonnaise.
I like it here in Cornwall or as Rob calls it Beyond
Kingston. Whoa, shots fired, shots fired. As a society we have recently decided that you
should not dress up as something you're not.
that you should not dress up as something you're not.
Beyond Meat is appropriating meat culture. I've seen photos of Beyond Meat in college covered in steak spice at a
frat party.
Disgusting, I was very offended.
Beyond Meat is like paying full price for a cover band and I'm not paying
arena prices to see Spruce Bingstein. I don't care how healthy he is, I want the original.
Born to run, not fake meat on a bun. Thanks Steve.
Evenstad. Yeah. It is time for the Bareknuckle round. We are debating whether we should
all incorporate plant-based fake meats into our diets, so air your beefs and
grill your opponent until they're beyond saving. And while imitation is the
sincerest form of fattery, I know vegan come up with something original That will appease this audience or at least make them not go burger
Listen Dave just listen to yourself over there. You sound like an old man yelling at a cloud
Yeah, well, you know where that cloud came from the chickpea
and kale burger you're making me eat that's beyond gas you're creating now I
don't know I find it interesting that you're fixating on the beyond burger
because the concept of you caring about future generations is beyond your
mental capacity. I don't know if you've ever been to Bed Bath and Beyond but a
hundred percent of the time I'm there for the bed or the bath. No one's ever walked in
there and got where's the Beyond section. I'm not saying you can't eat meat go
ahead still have your meat you sound like a guy who just doesn't quite
understand like progressive movements and is getting mad at women's rights and
you're like oh you can't say anything anymore. I don't think that's what I sound like.
Okay, I get it.
When they play that back, they won't know who's talking.
And that's the firing line, everybody.
No, that's the bare knuckle round.
The firing line's next.
I was already thinking beyond the bare knuckle round.
It is time now for the firing line.
In my hand, I have a list of questions on fake meats
brought to you by the Bart Simpson line
of plant-based products.
The Bart Simpson plant-based products.
Don't have a cow, man.
Pretty good.
What is the name of the fake meat brand backed by Bill Gates? Rob Bebnek?
You're all peasants.
I'm not saying that to you. It's Bill Gates'...
Dave?
Have you forgotten your password? Foods.
Incorrect. The fake meat brand backed by Bill Gates is called Impossible Foods.
That's backed by Bill Gates, so whether or not it does well, it's going to be here for a while.
In 1992, Linda McCartney's line of vegetarian pies were recalled for what reason?
Rob.
Because Paul was angry that it did better sales than Band on the Run. Oh, what are you Paul McCartney fans?
Alright.
Linda McCartney's line of vegetarian pies were recalled
because they were found to contain meat.
In 2019, Tim Hortons announced it would stop selling
Beyond Meat burgers at all of its locations except where?
Rob?
Wherever their American overlords told them.
That's a good answer.
Yeah.
The audience has given you two and a half points for that one.
Dave Emstad.
Are you telling me Tim Hortons isn't even selling this stuff anymore?
This doesn't measure up to the culinary experience that their diners
have come to expect when they eat microwave plastic there so I guess they
still sell them in coal harbor because Sid Crosby uses them as pucks in the
office all right well you did actually have an answer to the question at the
end so I'll give you a point for that.
Tim Hortons has stopped selling Beyond Meat at all of its locations except for in Ontario and BC, so we can still get them everyone.
And there was much indifference. And that is the firing line everybody.
We are getting to the home stretch here at the beautiful Altsville Theatre
in Cornwall,
Ontario and it's almost time for the audience to vote.
But first, here again to tell us that he's never met a fake meat he did like.
It's the always authentic Dave Hempstead.
Thank you.
There are some constants in life.
If something tastes exactly as good as meat, it's exactly as bad for you as meat.
Do you know how hard it is to teach plants to act like meat?
If you're talking about impact on the planet, how many tests and man hours were done in
the lab before brown gravy color 58 was inserted into protein packed GP-117 X to finally produce something that didn't make a rat puke in
conclusion incisors our teeth are designed to take meat from bone not pee
from pod it's the circle of life Rob and it and it moves us all. And if you don't get that, well, you're beyond help.
Dave Hempstead comes out firing for his closing argument.
Now, to tell us that fake meats are the real deal,
here's another real original, Rob Bebnik.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Hempstead is a dear friend. original Rob Bebnik.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Hempstead is a dear friend. He really is. I care for him greatly. But clearly, the man is a Neanderthal that is
having trouble wrapping his gigantic head around the idea of progress.
We get it, Dave. Your fragile male ego can't risk being viewed
as anything less than an alpha male with record-setting genitalia. So we made
plants look like burgers so you can be part of progress and still look your
father in the eye. Come on Dave, put down the sundial. The future is now. Rob Bebnik.
All right. Interesting arguments on either side. They're both good. The audience has
to decide. I don't envy them making this decision, but it's time to vote. By applause, who ate
up Rob's fake meat musings? Rob Bebnik. Okay, good support there.
And who thinks Dave's anti-fake meek material
gave you something to chew on?
Dave Hempstead.
Well, I don't know if you can tell
from where you're listening, but it wasn't close.
The winner is Dave Hempstead.
Let's hold off on the fake meats.
Big hand for Dave Hempstead and Rob Bebnik, everybody.
Hey, debaters fans in Winnipeg.
We're coming for two shows on May 2nd and 3rd
as part of the Winnipeg Comedy Festival.
For ticket details, visit cbc.ca slash the debaters.
Hi there, Steve Patterson here.
You know, I travel a lot for work on my own.
So when I can do a trip where I get to bring my wife, Nancy,
and our daughters along, I jump at it.
On a recent trip to Ottawa, we booked an Airbnb.
It was a nice home and a nice neighborhood.
And it even had room for our dog, Ferris,
which was also nice. And that made me think, hey, maybe our home in Toronto would be a
nice place to stay for some nice people too, since it sits empty while we're away. And
honestly, it would be great if our house started bringing in some extra cash to put towards
the next trip, because frankly, Ferris keeps screwing up in his job interviews. Your home
might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.
In 2017, it felt like drugs were everywhere in the news.
So I started a podcast called On Drugs.
We covered a lot of ground over two seasons,
but there are still so many more stories to tell.
I'm Jeff Turner and I'm back with season three of On Drugs. And this
time it's going to get personal.
I don't know who sober Jeff is. I don't even know if I like that guy.
On Drugs is available now wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey Cornwall, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters! Wow! Alright then!
This comic wasted hours hunting
seafaring birds but has no
egrets. It's Hunter Collins!
Hunter Collins is
ready!
He is ready for this
debate! Possibly
the most outlandishly
dressed debater we've ever had!
And this comic tried to be a fast chopping chef, but sadly, no dice, it's Alvira Kurt!
Alvira Kurt wading her way into this debate.
Fashionable as always.
And she's back stroking to her podium to my left.
Okay, this topic we think is a good one for Cornwall scuba diving
Should everyone try it now listeners out there may not know but Cornwall, Ontario is revered as a scuba diving
destination true story
One of the things you can discover is the lost villages
Which are towns which were flooded during the building of the things you can discover is the lost villages, which are towns which were
flooded during the building of the St. Lawrence Seaway.
You gotta feel bad for the mayors of those towns at the time, who had to break it to
their constituents.
I got good news and bad news.
The good news is, tourism here is about to go through the roof. Unfortunately, all those roofs will be underwater.
Those mayors were the first in history to lose their re-election by a waterslide.
Good joke, I know!
And that goes out to the mayor of Cornwall, Mayor Bernadette, she's here in the house.
Now, let's slide into this debate.
So, whereas the world is mostly made up of water, be it resolved,
everyone should take the plunge and learn to scuba dive.
Elvira, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now.
Thanks, Steve.
Life on Earth started underwater,
so it's natural for us to want to go back and see the old neighborhood. Humans belong in the water not on the surface which is full of old
people swimming slowly and kids peeing constantly but deep down where it's just
marine life and you peeing constantly. Scuba diving is a great escape from our
dumpster fire of a world.
It's like noise cancelling headphones for your whole body.
Bye bye turd slinging politicians.
Hello ink squirting squids.
Scuba diving is made for introverts like me.
In scuba diving, human interaction is optional.
And as soon as you drop below the surface you're in your own bubbles. It's like the Dexter of sports. There are those who will tell you
snorkeling is just as good. Those people are wrong. People who snorkel are like
your friends who think they understand parenting because they have pets. You
know the ones who say teenagers are the worst.
I should know. I have a schnauzer.
In summary, scuba diving is amazing wildlife,
peeing freely, and feeling good about yourself.
Thank you.
Elvira Kirkman with an outstanding opening argument
on behalf of scuba diving now
To tell us that he only likes dives of the bar kind here's land lover
Hunter Collins
First off
It's not scuba diving all right. It's scuba putzing around
Alright? It's scuba putzing around. No one dives. Everyone just falls off the boat backwards like when I was at my desk in high school sniffing my glue stick too hard. Scuba diving
is an elitist activity like croquet and polo and trimming your toenails without using your teeth. Scuba divers are the only people who look down their nose at you from the bottom of
the ocean.
You ever see a scuba diver communicate, gesticulating all wildly?
What kind of life is that? Making hand gestures bubbling around like some sort of bathtub
fart? The biggest risk scuba diving poses is something called the bends. The bends is
when gas separates from your blood to form fatal bubbles. Bubbles! You hear that? If you go scuba diving, you might soda stream your own body.
Well, I prefer my blood uncarbonated, thank you very much.
Save the bubbly, for after I'm done taking Elvira down a couple PSI.
Alvira down a couple BSI! Hunter Collins! He came to play! He's really into this. It's time now for the Bare Knuckle round. We're debating whether everyone should scuba dive,
so thanks for being here. But be warned, you'll be operating under what are strict debating guidelines and the pressure will surely build.
You might be surprised at the depths to which you're willing to sink in order to suck the
oxygen out of the room and fin-ish off your opponent.
That last one did go around the bends a bit.
After this, we can all decompress.
Obviously you don't like water or cleanliness.
You see these scuba people? They think they're better than you standing around there in their little wetsuit
which we all know is just spandex pajamas.
And wetsuit's a dumb name for what that is, of course it's wet. You just jumped into the damn water with the thing.
You push Hillary Clinton into a swimming pool.
Bam, wet pantsuit.
Hunter, who hurt you?
Really, I mean, what have you got against fun
and learning and just adventure?
Whatever happened to just taking a big gulp of air and holding your own damn breath.
Typical lazy elitist, too lazy to hold their own breath, in this case bad breath too.
What?
Okay, that's the bare knuckle round.
It is time now for the firing line.
In my hand I have a list of questions on Scuba,
brought to you by Cornwall's favorite underwater
crime-solving canine, Scuba-Doo.
The different scuba education levels go beginner, advanced, rescue diver, dive guide, and finally
what?
Hunter?
The big scuba-oski. Hunter? The... the... the big... Scoobowski.
Big... talk...
Talk talk Scoobarino.
It is.
Scoobadoodadadada.
It's none of those.
But I wish it were Avera.
Scoobadoctor.
No.
You go from dive guide to dive instructor
Which seems weird to me?
Dive guide just goes to give it a shot
The clear water and great visibility enjoyed by scuba divers in Ontario's Thousand Islands is due to what?
Avira the water Zamboni
is due to what? Avira.
The water zamboni.
Pretty great. I like that.
I'm going to give that a point and a half.
The clear water and great visibility
enjoyed by scuba divers in the Thousand Islands here
is due to the zebra muscle,
which cleans the water very effectively.
Zebra muscle?
Zebra muscle. Yeah, right. Sure, okay.
What's next? Cat? Fish?
So stupid.
This has been a good debate for you, Hunter.
We're really covering a lot of ground, I think.
What Scuba Guinness World Record was set in England in 1986 at the National Boat, Caravan, and Leisure Show?
Hunter!
Most Scuba crumpets dilly-dallied about while driving on the left side of the road.
You know how the British are. It's like he's not even trying.
Oh. At the Scuba Guinness World Record in England in 1986, the longest time a person was continuously submerged underwater, 212.5 hours. And they are now known as Wrinkly Willy. That is the
Firing Line, everybody. All right. It is just about time for our Altzpil Theater audience
to pick a winner. But first, here again to tell us why he thinks scuba divers are all wet, it's the dry wit
of Hunter Collins.
Yeah, let's hear it!
You squares!
Why would anyone spend mucho mula to scuba around marine life. Bust a Cornwall's 20 bucks
and everyone here already looks like a deep sea creature.
Woo!
You think some big city hotshot like me
is gonna take guff from some town
with about as much culture as a thimble of yogurt?
Sue me, I don't need your votes, I've been paid!
In conclusion...
Name the most brilliant scuba divers of all time. Exactly.
Now name the most brilliant people who didn't scuba dive.
Einstein, Newton, the people who invented crazens. Some things like mankind and the noble crazen
are just better dried.
I'm done.
Hunter Collins!
Hunter Collins with a fearless closing argument.
Now, here again to tell us that everything's better
down where it's wetter, it's scuba...
Was it? You guys are writing your own joke. That wasn't on its own intended that way.
That's it. That's it. It's scuba enthusiast Elvira Kurt.
What lives underwater is unimaginable beauty that you truly have to see for yourself. Those who have my fellow scuba divers, they get it.
Those who haven't, well, you've got me, a tiny lesbian angel popping up on your shoulder
to whisper in your ear, go for it.
You've already heard from the devil, whose name happens to be the source of trauma for
Bambi, the beloved cartoon deer.
Am I right, Hunter?
You know what they say, those who can do, and those who can't, wear the prototype of
Pierre Trudeau's
fringe jacket and argue against fun in a comedy debate. Thank you.
Alvira Kurtz! On behalf of Scuba Diving, Altspil Theatre, it is up to you to pick a winner by
applause who thinks that Alvira's scuba savvy was the most sensational in this debate.
Alvira Kurtz! Woo was the most sensational in this debate, Alvira Kurt.
Woo!
That's a lot of support.
That is a lot of support.
And who thinks Hunter, sticking it to scuba, was watertight?
Hunter Collins.
Well, it could have gone either way, but it didn't.
The winner is Alvira Kirk, long live scuba diving here in the Thousand Islands.
Big hand for Alvira Kirk and Hunter Collins, everybody.
That's all for this week.
I'm Steve Patterson saying if you do go scuba diving here in the Thousand Islands, do me
a favour and count them, will you?
I swear there's only like 997.
I'll argue with you again soon, Canada! Good night!
The Debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender,
Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark. Our classic debates were produced by Josh Bailey,
Nicole Callender, Katie Ellen Humphre, Graham Clark, and Tracy Rideout.
With technical production by Jean-Sebastien Villeneuve and Conrad Hajjazi.
Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts.
And thanks to everyone at the Altsville Theatre and the Cornwall Comedy Festival.