The Debaters - Are shopping carts better than baskets? And is an invitation to the cottage the secret to summer fun?

Episode Date: June 19, 2025

Our season finale episode is a grocery grudge match and a real re-treat!Featuring: Matt Wright, Jan Caruana, Laurie Elliott, and Tamara Shevon.

Hi, I'm Steve Patterson, host of The Debaters, and this month we're airing the mother and father of all debates, Mother's Day versus Father's Day, and it's going to be fun and argumentative for the whole family. If you like our podcast, you're going to want to make sure you follow us on your favorite platform, Spotify, Apple, or Amazon, so you'll never miss an episode. And if you're a mom or a dad, I like you both equally. This is a CBC Podcast. Hey Canada! We're ready to go forth and multiply the laughs from the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto. It's the Debaters!

The Debaters, where comedaters! The debaters! The debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny in this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's king of the back and forth Steve Patterson! Hey! Thanks Graham! Hello Canada!

Welcome back to The Debaters! We're back here in my hometown Toronto. Hello, Canada. Welcome back to The Debaters. We're back here in my hometown, Toronto. Yep. A location that is often used as a backdrop for TV and film productions. And one such production is the TV series, Star Trek, Starfleet Academy. Yeah. Some may or may not know that Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow is a die-hard Star Trek fan.

True story. But most Torontonians do know about Smart Track, a Toronto transit planning debacle it seems no one is a fan of. The futuristic train line promised to explore brave new worlds like Finch Kennedy Station. But unfortunately so far Captain Chow can't seem to make it so. Which seems highly illogical. I guess the mayor did not have the power, Cabin! But I still cling on to hope. Now, it's time to meet two enterprising debaters. Too much, it's too much.

I told them that's one too many. This comic had to stop taking taxis after coming down with a bad case of cabin fever. It's Newfoundland's Matt Wright! Come on out, Maddie! There he is. Welcome, bud. Matt Wright, everybody.

And this comic prolongs her subway rides by going two stops forward, one stop back. It's Because News' Jan Caruana. Come on out, Jan. There she is. Hi, everybody. Hi, Steve. Welcome back. How are you feeling going into this? I'm feeling good. I'm feeling strong, Steve.

I like it, Matt. I don't like your chances. She's feeling good. Oh, no. Pfft! LAUGHTER Your topic is one that we feel carries a lot of weight. Shopping carts. Shopping carts. Are they superior to baskets?

I don't know. We debate the things no one else has ever thought of. With the rising cost of groceries, I have a radical new way of shopping. I don't use a cart or a basket. I only buy what I can carry in my hands. Saves a lot of money, although last year it did make Thanksgiving dinner a little sparse. Just a small pack of turkey cold cuts, stovetop stuffing, and a can of cranberries. But it did make cleanup a lot easier. And it's a great incentive for other members of my family to host Thanksgiving, which I'm thankful for. Time now for a debate that puts the carts before the horsing around.

So, whereas they offer bigger capacity, make shopping with children easier and are more fun to use, be it resolved, shopping carts are superior to baskets. Matt, you're arguing for this please. You have two minutes, my friend. Starting now, Matt Wright. Thank you. I was at the grocery store the other day, not to brag. There was a shopping cart that they had fashioned to look like a truck,

and there was a little boy sitting in it, and he looked at me, and he said, and I quote, It was like a truck and there was a little boy sitting in it, and he looked at me and he said, and I quote, meep, meep. (?) (?) (?)

(?) (?) That is enough to win this argument. (?) (?) (?) (?) (?)

(?) However, due to contractual obligations, like the majestic shopping cart, I will roll on. Kid in shopping cart, adorable. Kid in basket, about to be abandoned outside a fire department. Ha! Let's start from the beginning. Shopping carts were invented in 1937, answering one of life's great questions. What if a roller skate carried food around?

(*Laughter*) In these times, men were very busy, drinking scotch, looking out the window and never changing diapers. So women were responsible for buying the ham, for bringing home the ham and for encasing the ham in jello. (*Laughter*)

Were women allowed to drive in 1937? We have no way of knowing... As this is history that was lost when the Roman Emperor Nero burned down the Library of Alexandria. The shopping cart was these poor ladies' only vehicle, and Jan wants to take it away. What's next, the vote? Too late, because you cannot vote.

When your hands are filled with ham you will later encase in jello. Now initially men would not use these devices as they thought they were effeminate. So let's take a minute and just think about things that men once thought were exclusively for women that are now very important pillars of society. Drinking water. (*audience laughs*) Stretching. (*audience laughs*)

Resolving conflicts without using those guns with the little knife on top. (*audience laughs*) If a man thinks something new threatens his masculinity, it probably means that it is a plus for society. Meep, meep. Yeah. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of Shopping Cart, now, here to artfully basket weave together

laughs and logic, let's hear it from Jan Caruana! Thank you. Thank you very much. Let me paint you a picture. You enter the supermarket, greeted with two choices. The first, a cart, reminiscent of something you push in a coal mine. A symbol of hardship, toil, of never seeing the sun or hearing a bird song. Because every canary you've ever met is dead of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Your second choice, a basket. A handy little conveyance you drape over one arm like a Birkin bag. What? You'd half expect a tiny little chihuahua to poke its head out of such a thing as you saunter up and down the aisles. It doesn't matter that all you're buying is no-name saltines and craft singles,

because with your basket, you might as well be Paris Hilton cruising Rodeo Drive. (*Laughter*) With the price of groceries always on the rise and our economy less stable than ever, who has the money to buy anything more than a basket's worth of groceries? I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was debating Elon Musk. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. One of history's greatest monsters and inventor of the cyber truck, which, coincidentally, looks a lot like a grocery cart. Yes.

Is that what you want to be seen driving through Sobeys? A cyber truck? And like a cyber truck, grocery carts are responsible for 98% of all grocery shopping-related accidents. How often have you been T-boned in the meat department? Or rear-ended picking up some buns? You... Pfft. You...

Address your letters to Steve Patterson at the Debater's Care of CBC. But I digress. You know what never gets you into trouble, my friends? A basket. That's why Moses's mother put him in one when she placed him in the reeds of an aisle. And he went on to write the Ten Commandments.

So in summation, baskets forever, carts never. Thank you. Wow. Jan Caruana. Jan Caruana on behalf of baskets, wow. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating shopping carts versus baskets. So before we shelve this topic, CBC requires me to lob laws so that you both know the show's

rules prior to unleashing your great Canadian super storage of jokes. If the wheels come off and you make a mess, so be it. It's okay. I'll clean up in a safe way. Time to begin your self-checkout starting now. Well, I would just like to start by saying that carts are ageist. Babies getting pushed in a cart, nobody bats an eye. But La Blas isn't letting a 40-year-old woman get in one. We're tired too, Galen!

Laughter and applause I know the spirit of the show is that I'm supposed to argue, but I don't really get a chance to be on the radio very much. So now that you're bringing up Galen Weston, I'd like to say that I think he's a greedy little turd bucket. And I hope he falls in a hole. Anyway... When... when I was in the show, Anyway. When was the last time you ever pushed a cart back into its spot and it nested perfectly with its predecessor?

Never! You drop an empty basket on top of another basket? That's a swish every time, baby! What are you even talking about? Every shopping cart has a little trapdoor compartment that's made for them to all spoon together in a conga line like they're a bunch of old couples on a cruise ship. Does Paris Hilton love baskets, or does she just have two DUIs?

You know what, Matt? People love baskets so much, they write songs about them. A tisket, a tasket, a brown and yellow basket. Ella Fitzgerald never sang about a cart. You know why? Because what rhymes with cart? Fart. Okay, what rhymes with basket? Casket.

Yes, casket, which is a basket for dead people. And hey, what does a casket need help from? The almighty hearse, the shopping cart of the funeral industry. All right, that's the bear-knuckle Round, everybody. All right, debaters, we got a good one going, shopping carts versus baskets, and it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on shopping carts versus baskets brought to you by Going to Hell.

Going to Hell. Is it best in a hand basket or a hand cart? Going to hell, is it best in a hand basket or a hand cart? Grocery stores in several US states reported a rise in hand basket thefts after what event? Dan? After they legalized weed, everybody wanted chips but was too stoned to drive a cart. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. A few points.

Well thought. Matt? Good Friday. Because the kids are getting the baskets, and then they're taking the Easter bunny for all he's worth on Easter. I like the logic. One and a half points.

You know, Steve, my comedy mentor always told me the jokes are better when you have to explain the matter. That's right. That's right. Grocery stores in several US states reported a rise in hand basket thefts after the ban on plastic grocery bags. Pfft! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah!

Techbullion.com's tips on how to use a shopping basket effectively includes planning ahead, starting with the heavy items, and what else? Matt? Getting T-boned in the meat department. Ha ha ha! Yep, yep. Matt? Getting T-boned in the meat department. Yeah. Yeah. No. Jan?

Not taking a basket when you first walk in because you're only going in for one thing, then desperately searching for one when you're balancing nine items in your two little hands. Nope. The actual answer is organizing it by category. A 2007 study found that for germs, shopping carts are the third most unhealthy items to touch behind playground equipment, and what else? Jen. Drink! Pfft! LAUGHTER

CHEERING Oh, God. Three points. Matt Wright. Beer, polyamorous, glasses. LAUGHTER CHEERING Three points also. The third, unhealthiest items to touch behind playground equipment and city bus arm rests. That's fun. That's the firing line, everybody. All right. We're

in the homestretch on this one, everybody. Almost time for our Danforth Music Hall audience to vote. But first, here again to remind us that people who prefer to shop with carts are basket cases who should be carted off. Let's hear it from Jan Caruana. Thank you. Thank you. Maybe baskets are more effort. But name anything worthwhile that didn't require effort. So many want to glide through life, just coasting along on four wheels in a dream.

But what happens when those wheels start to wobble? A basket is solid. You pick up a basket, and when you're done, you leave it. Like a healthy affair. start to wobble. A basket is solid. You pick up a basket, and when you're done, you leave it, like a healthy affair. You have your time together, then part ways. Good luck and goodbye. And a basket doesn't make you unearth a quarter

to unchain its cold, steely heart. She gives her love freely. Unlike the cart, who lets you push her around in the store for a bit, but as soon as you want to go any further, she locks up. audience laughs applause

applause applause I ask you, is that the relationship you want week after week? I think not! Thank you! Yeah! Shan Karwana!

Make it a great case on behalf of the beautiful basket. Now, here to tell us more about the proud history of the shopping cart, dating back to the year 1215 and the signing of the Magna Carta, ... ... let's hear from Matt Wright. ... ...

... ... ... We invented the shopping cart, and it was perfect immediately. Baskets are continually being reinvented. We invented Basketball. No one ever saw a shopping cart and was like,

this sucks, let's cut the bottom out, stick it on a wall and wait for LeBron James to be born. If you're so into baskets, take the wheels off your suitcase and stroll through the airport. There was a reason that the Roli suitcase coincided with the end of smoking on airplanes, because if you have to carry your suitcase around,

there is no point in living a longer life. The last time I saw someone use a basket was at a wedding. The flower girl was using it to toss flowers as she walked down the aisle. Beautiful, right? Did you know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce?

How many couples have we lost due to a child stumbling down the aisle, struggling with a basket, giving couples too much time to think. Laughter If those kids had shopping carts, those couples would still be together today. Laughter Applause That's...

Matt Wright! Yeah! Whoo! Making the leaps that no one else would. Thank you, Matt Wright. Yeah, whoo. Making the leaps that no one else would. Thank you, Maddie. All right, audience, this has been a good one. It is up to you to decide. By applause, how many of you basked in Jan's basket blather

and decided you were all in the same basket as her? Jan Caruana. A lot of love. A lot of love for Sam. Have I applause? Who liked how Matt got real pushy about shopping carts when things got wheel? Matt Wright. Well fought on both sides. But the winner is Matt Wright. We'll take a card over a basket. Big hand for Matt Wright and Jan Caruana, everybody!

Hey, Debaters fans. Our season finale has more laughs and logic coming your way. And right now, we're changing locations from Toronto and heading over to Steve Patterson at the Georgian Theatre in Barrie, Ontario. Did you know Canadian news is still banned on Instagram and Facebook? And this August will mark two years since that ban began. So if you can't trust the algorithm to keep you updated, trust World Report instead. I'm John Northcott.

I'm Marcia Young. And we want to unblock you from the news that matters most. Give us 10 minutes every morning and we'll give you the biggest stories happening in Canada and around the world. You can find and follow World Report wherever you get your podcasts. It's great to be here in Barrie, Ontario. Barrie, a town that loves to make a splash. Barry is host to what they claim is Canada's biggest inflatable water park.

Hmm. I haven't been able to verify this claim, and I'm not trying to turn this into water park gate. But you should do your own research, Canada, possibly on YouTubing. All I know is whenever I go down a waterslide, I make a bigger splash than my daughters do, which makes them run away. I call it the Paterdad Water Daughter Splatterscatter. Patent pending. All right. Now we're getting somewhere.

Time to meet two debaters who get along swimmingly. This comic prefers listening to a babbling brook rather than a river running off at the mouth. It's Toronto's Laurie Elliott. Laurie Elliott, always one of our favorites. Look in summary, got shades, shorts. She looks ready. Hi, Steve.

Hi, Laurie. And this comic wanted her fake ID back but said she was going to be a good friend. We've got shades, shorts, she looks ready. Hi Steve. Hi Lori. And this comic wanted her fake ID back, but sadly the bouncer held all the cards. It's Toronto's Tamara Chabon. Come on out Tamara. Welcome. Hi Steve. We've got a first time debater.

Always a pleasure to have a first timer on the show. Welcome. All right, debaters, your topic is a real trip. Cottages. Is it great to be invited to one? Barry is a great place for this debate because it's often referred to as the gateway to cottage country. And speaking of cottage invites, this is probably a good time for me to remind my buddy, Brett,

that he has not invited me to his cottage for quite a while. Not since the incident with the snowmobile. I just want to take this opportunity in front of everyone to apologize once again for taking it out without your permission in the summer. In my defense, your dad did bet me five bucks that I couldn't make it across the lake. Now it's time to witness the skidoos and don'ts of debating. So, whereas it provides a relaxing refuge away from the bustle of the city

that comes with little to no responsibilities, stresses or expenses. Be it resolved, nothing beats an invitation to a cottage. Laurie, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Laurie Elliott. Thank you. Hello, thank you. For those of us losers who don't have one,

an invitation to someone's cottage is like the golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. But not only is it full of chocolate, it's full of hot dogs and marshmallows and booze. Yeah. And let me clarify now. I am talking about an invitation to a cottage. I mean, if someone invites you to their cabin in the woods,

they're gonna kill you and wear your skin. That's a fact. So many magical things happen at cottages. First of all, your alcohol tolerance goes through the roof. That's science, too. I mean, when I go with my girlfriends, I get there and I funnel, ate white claws,

chug some fireball, smoke a joint, eat some sand. Oh, it's crunchy. And then some more fireball, drop some acid, punch a wizard. And then some more fireball, drop some acid, punch a wizard. And then suddenly we're all naked.

And we're bucking it to the lake for some skinny dipping, because that wizard stole our clothes. I don't know if you've ever seen a bunch of really drunk, naked, middle-aged women running. It's no Baywatch opening, that's for sure. I don't know if you've ever seen a bunch of really drunk, naked, middle-aged women running. It's no Baywatch opening, that's for sure. That's not... That's not... That's not...

Last time I got a black eye from a rogue knocker. That's... Pretty sure it was mine. That's... I'm pretty sure it was mine. And then a sirens of smores, we just dry off by the huge campfire. Someone finds a rusty old bicycle and just rides through it. Oh, the laughs, the screams, the cottages on fire. But it's not my cottage. I was just invited.

Which is the best. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Laurie Elliott, leaving no stone unturned and no visual un-relayed.

Very excited to hear the other half of this now to tell us that when it comes to needing an invite to a cottage, she's cap in there, done that. Let's hear from Tamara Chavon. Thank you. Okay, the cottage. Another paid-off home your friends invite you to so that you can do chores with them...

while they call it relaxing. Yeah, it's a second home so far away that the streets don't have names because they're fire routes. An invite to the cottage is the only thing that feels like more work than actually going to work. because they're fire routes. An invite to the cottage is the only thing that feels like more work than actually going to work. Okay, I wanted to take a day off from the cottage group chat,

so I picked up a double shift so I could talk to people less. Okay. Okay. And not one person can actually tell you where the cottage is. Every cottage I've been invited to has always just been up north. Yeah, a place so far away that they don't see color. Yeah. Which is what I can assume, because every morning someone's asking me if I want to join them tanning, because then I quote, everyone can tan. Terrifying.

If you want real tranquility, ditch the cottage, go out to your friend's backyard, go for a dip, listen to Summer of 69 on loop. It's the same thing. Thank you. Yeah! Tamara Chavon is not down with a trip to the cottage. It is time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating cottage invites, so can you both listen up for a minute?

We're about to find out if you can't cedar forest for the trees. Now's the time to lodge any complaints that you're harboring. No ifs, ands, or boats. It's time for all hands at a rondack chair now. I mean, I can assure you that there's nothing relaxing about going to the cottage. There's nothing relaxing about strengthening your hamstrings as you hover over a hole. Yeah, your bathroom for the weekend. So.

That's really fun. You don't need a hole either, just so you know. But. You don't need a hole either, just so you know. But... And you don't even need toilet paper either. You just have to grab a maple leaf and then use it and send that log up Schitt's Creek, which was a great CBC show.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like the cottage is just a cult though, honestly. It's the only place where people are drinking discounted beers, like Coors Light and Bud Light, and calling them award-winning.

And eating hot dogs out of the package and calling that charcuterie. It's so good. It's so good. You want the last word here, Lori? I know. I just want to say. It's so good. It's so good. You want the last word here, Lori? I know. I just want a hot dog right out of the package. Alright. That's the bear-knuckle round, everybody. Lori, I don't know if you need to go anywhere to go on a trip.

You know what I mean? Your mind is the trip. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand I have a list of questions on cottage invites brought to you by William Shatner's Cottage, aka the Captain's Log Cabin. When invited to a cottage, CanadianLiving.com says, if you want to get invited back, you should pitch in on the chores, bring food to share, and what else? Tamara? Pick a side during a drunken family fight.

Ha! Good. That is actually a good tip. Two and a half points. Laurie? I know this because it happened to me. Okay. Wear clothes. Okay. Two and a half points. Laurie? I know this because it happened to me.

Okay. Wear clothes. Okay. I will give you two points for that. CanadianLiving.com says you should give a thoughtful gift. Mondak.com says, one often overlooked downside to inviting guests to your cottage is what? Tamara Chavon.

Spending the weekend hearing a guy named Brad talk about his fiscal plan to save up for a stainless steel yeti cooler. That's pretty specific. Or Jake or Scott or, well, whatever. Those are all good cottage names. One often overlooked downside to being invited guests to the cottage is you can be held legally responsible

for any injuries that the guests might suffer. Yes! Yes! Yes! Lori just came into the money. CottageLife.com says, when your host says don't bring anything, what they really mean is what? Tamara? We don't care that you're a vegan. Good. That's good. This crowd really got on that one. Three points. Lori?

Don't bring your cats again. I'll give a solid official point for that. It means that they have everything planned just the way they like it, so don't screw it up. One person. Yeah, Brenda! Finish this tagline from the 2011 movie, The Cabin in the Woods. Five friends go to a cabin in the woods.

Laurie? Their skin is used to make five suits. That's pretty... that's disturbing. Three points. Can you repeat the question? Yeah. Finish the tagline from the movie, 2011 movie, Cabin in the Woods. Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. And the black girl dies first. Six points! The actual answer is bad things happen.

That's the firing line, everybody. All right. It is almost that magical time when our George and theatre audience places their votes. But first, here again to tell us why an invite to a cottage gives her cabin fever, let's hear again from Tamara Chauvin. Okay. Spending time at the cottage is an amusing way to see what the Canadian Caribbean would be like. Discount beers,

golden retrievers with the same names as their owners, and UB40 playing on the Dock FM to sprinkle a little culture onto a private lake only accessible by Ford F-150s. If you're going to invite me to your cottage, don't. I'd rather be in the city still where the nature's around me but not attacking me. But if I ever do get the urge to find my way back to the cottage,

I'll follow the North Star, which, based on direction, will bring me to every cottage that's ever existed. Thank you. Tavera Chavon, not a fan of the cottage, now here to give you the chalet of the land as to why she always pines for a cottage invite, let's hear again from Lori Elliott.

All right. You can't just mooch off of your friends at their cottage after you've been invited. You do have to contribute, and my contribution is the entertainment. Specifically, the scary stories around the campfire. Because that's when I sneak away and change into my denim coveralls, and I put my goalie mask on. And then I run back in with an axe, screaming,

"'Time for bed, kids!' And you know what? They go to bed. They go to bed. They go to bed right away. Because the moment you enter cottage country, it's flip-flops and fresh-air farts, and you know the lyrics to every single Kim Mitchell song until you leave.

Who's a wild party? I am. So by applause, can I please come to your cottage? Thank you. Laurie Elliott, on behalf of the cottages and cottagegoers and especially cottage invitees. Thank you, Laurie. All right. Audience, it is up to you to decide by applause how many of you rooted for Lori's ruminations on residing in a rustic rural residence. Lori Elliott!

Nice support. Nice support for Lori. And how many of you agreed with Tamara that anyone who loves an invite to a cottage can take a long walk up a short pier? Tamara Chavon! The audience has spoken. The winner is Tamara Chavon. The audience has spoken. The winner is Tamara Chavon.

Leave the cottage invites alone. Big hand for Tamara Chavon and Laurie Elliott, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying once again, please, Brett, have me back to your cottage. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Side.

This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callander, Chloe Edbrooke, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Todd Reimer. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, Emily Ferrier and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts.

And thanks to everyone at the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto and the Georgian Theatre in Barrie. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.