The Debaters - Does CBC have the best fans? Are coffee dates great?

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

The CBC has some great fans, but are they the greatest ever? Charlie Demers thinks yes, and Abdul Aziz says no way. If you’re a CanCon connoisseur, this one’s for you! Next, we tackle coffee dates. Are they the best kind of date? Faris Hytiaa thinks they'll perk you up but Shirley Gnome believes they're actually unromantic. Featuring: Charlie Demers, Abdul Aziz, Faris Hytiaa, and Shirley Gnome

This program is brought to you in part by Specsavers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late-night drives. That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages. Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan.

Book at Spexavers.cavers.captometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.cavers.ca to learn more. This is a CBC podcast. Hey, Canada. We've got comedy down to a fine art from North Vancouver, home of the Polygon Art Gallery. It's the debaters! The debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny in this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man whose comedy is always on the Monet. Steve.

Patterson. Hey, again, Canada. Welcome back to the debaters. Always great to be back here in Vancouver, B.C. Where one of your local landmarks was saved from the Wrecking Ball. Apparently, the 85-year-old Park Movie Theater was going to be torn down and turned into a gym until the owners of the Rio Theater stepped in to take it over.

True story. So now, instead of another indoor fitness facility, the park theater can remain a place to sit. still for hours and gorge on snacks. That's my kind of place. Bravo Rio! Time to meet two debaters who are this show's feature presentation. This comedian had a chance to visit the Museum of Modern Art

and really seized the MoMA. It's Vancouver's Charlie DeMeres! There he is, one of our favorites, taking his place to my left. And this comic's motto is, as I calls it as Aziz it. It's Vancouver's Abdul Aziz. Abdul Aziz.

Abdul, strolling across confidently to my right. Hello, Steve. Hello, my friend. Welcome back. Your topic is one that we think hits pretty close to home. CBC fans, are they the greatest? As it happens, some people say they are. And for one of you debaters,

this is going to be the toughest live CBC debate since which are better? Quirks or Quarks? I don't know, Bob McDonald, but they both start with Q. Small Q, small Q, not capital. Time now for a debate that will be fantastic. So, whereas they're a loyal group who have supported countless Canadian shows and projects for almost 100 years, be it resolved that the CBC has the best fans Charlie, you get to argue for this, you lucky dog. You have two minutes starting now. Charlie DeMuss.

Thank you. Thank you. In 20 years doing this show, I've been privileged to meet every kind of CBC fan across Canada. There's the average urban CBC fan. Well-educated, running from, you know, their late 40s to slightly higher, attending United Church services at Christmas and Easter and gay weddings.

People who really like both the NDP and the Green Party, but have only ever in their life voted federal liberal. Then there's the far-flung fan in the remote indigenous or rural community who has gradually trained themselves to enjoy. the only signal they reliably receive in the place where they live. It's like Stockholm syndrome, but with more love.

Stombolopoulos syndrome. As a final example, there is the committed Radio Canada enthusiast, tuning in to the voice of Canada as they patiently await an independent French-speaking republic. What do all these people have in common? Oh, not much. Just the great Canadian baking show. Canada reads, beach commerce, as it happens, ideas,

every single Canadian NHL Stanley Cup victory, the innocent magic of the tickle trunk, a giant with a rooster in a bag, and the punning genius of Mr. Steve Patterson. The hour of every day since the 1930s, Canadian radio listeners, in their hundreds of thousands, have supported CBC programming of all kinds. And since 1952, millions of Radio Canada viewers in Quebec

and English-language, CBC television viewers in their tens and 20s, have supported... Canadian TV. We didn't do it with PBS-style shakedowns where phone banks of telethon do-gooders withhold your Downton Abbey. Nor did we turn to the modern-day Medici's of corporate sponsorship,

whose omnipresence in our society is so exhausting, it'll send you right to sleepcountry canada.ca. No. We did it with the best fans on earth. Attentive, eclectic taxpayers. Thank you. Calling Demers, ladies and gentlemen.

Charlie DeMere. And why CBC fans are the greatest. Thank you, Charlie. Now, here to tell us why its fans have been canned into thinking CBC's so great. Let's hear from Abdulaziz. Before I begin, I would like to say hello to everybody listening

on CBC radio right now. Hello to everyone in nursing homes and prisons. Hello to the terminally unemployed and the chronically infirmed. And hello to my fellow comics, listening back to see if your debate went as badly as you remember. Most of the CBC's listenership comes from radios that are not allowed to turn off.

Radio's in dentist waiting rooms, service Canada locations, and my father-in-law is Ford F-350. The CBC does not have fans. It has hostages. Hostages forced to exist in the quantized eternity that subsumes the liminal spaces of our world. Incarnations of purgatory in the mortal realm.

Nothing to listen to but the insubes. interminable drone of Ian Hannah Mansing. The CBC has a mandate to inform, enlighten, and entertain all Canadians. And when you are trying to please everyone, from Newfoundland to the Yukon, you end up with Pablam. Like cross-country checkup with Ian Hannah Mancing.

Before I came up here, they warned me that it could be dangerous to be so openly critical of CBC fans, that I might make the crowd enraged. And I assured them, nothing is less frightening to me than a fan of Canadian public radio. All I would have to do to escape

is walk briskly up a slight incline, and surely they will relent. For their souls and bodies are as weak as the signal that is broadcasting my voice, right now. The CBC does not have fans. It has a captive audience.

Thank you. Yeah. Abdulaziz. Telling it like it is, right to our faces. And it's time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating whether CBC fans are the best.

So, since this segment is shorter than 22 minutes, you need to quickly build a little bit of... a man's bridge between fact and funny. And don't be afraid to dress up your jokes to ensure this one goes your galloway. So may God have mercer on your souls. Time to go now. I'm actually quite angry because I'm not going to stand here

while you run down the CBC mandate and Ian Hanamansing. Do you know what I give to go on a mandate with Ian Hanamancing? I don't even know who that is. I want to put a formal complaint in against Charlie. Okay, I'll file it somewhere. He basically used all of my same arguments but said that they were good things

by giving them cute names. Strombolopoulos syndrome? Well, that's because the CBC audience appreciates nuance. I wish they could see your head moving right now on the radio. Charlie, you sound like someone in an abusive relationship. You just don't know him like I do.

No, no. And listen. I saw him do a plank on an oil drum one time. I mean, this is so cheap. I mean, you come in, you say the CBC audiences infirm. First of all, they're not informed. They're informed. I know those buttons are close to each other on a keyboard.

And listen, I know it doesn't take a lot of courage for me to come in front of a CBC debaters crowd and say the CBC's got the best fans in the world. You know, now I know how nervous Pierre Poliav must have felt. Going into a room full of conservatives in Calgary and go, oh, do you guys still like me? But it's still... Those are people who know who wants to defund the thing they like. Charlie, I would say it doesn't take me any courage to come in here and say the opposite of what you're saying.

Also, I just want to say, this man doesn't even know the CBC. Backstage, he asked me what show I was referencing when I said the tickle trunk. I grew up in the Middle East. All right, that's the bare knuckle round, everybody. We are debating whether, whether, CBC tickles you in not so many words. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on CBC fans being the best,

brought to you by the upcoming CBC musical news show, The Hannah-Man Sing-Along. That may be the last reference to you, and I'm not sure. In summer 2024, fans of the CBC TV show Heartland were invited to do what? Abdul. Sign up to get their centennial letter from the quiz. Incorrect, and it's a king now.

You would know that if you listen to ABC. I don't know what's going on over here. Charlie. No, that's such a lazy stereotype of Heartland viewers. They were asked to sign a petition for Alberta independence. That's crazy that you lost them on that. Incorrect, but not a horrible guess. Fans of the CBC show Heartland

were invited to be an extra on the show. Okay, how excited you guys got about that is kind of cramping my style. Yeah. Some are angry that they're just finding out now. In CBC's most recent five-year strategic plan, we have five-year strategic plan? What's one way it intends to attract younger viewers? Abdul.

By introducing Lil Hannah Mansing on CBC Kids, watch a 10-year-old Ian Hannah-Mansing as he solves crimes with his trusty sidekick, Lil Bonham Carnival. Will he escape the Minotaur's Labyrinth underneath the Houses of Parliament? Will he defeat the racist ghost of Sir Johnny McDonald? Will he find the enchanted timbett on the plains of Abraham?

Find out this summer on Lil Hannah Mansing. Good. A good answer. Very thorough. Thank you. Charlie? No, they will attract more young fans to CBC by telling them that cross-country checkup comes with a family doctor.

Pretty good. Pretty good. The answer to the question I asked about 30 minutes ago, in our most recent five-year strategic plan, we attract younger fans with more content on platforms like YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram. We also accept having their parents bring them by force to debaters tapings. In 2011, CBC VanC, VanC, Kuver set up a fan zone near the broadcast center

and a riot later broke out. Why? Abdul? Because Ian Hannah Mansing was given out free kisses. Near an old folks home. I do not know who this person is. The actual answer, there was a riot broke out near the fan zone because the Canucks lost game seven of the Stanley Cup finals.

Sorry, I shouldn't even have said it. At Merchies, Victoria's famed tea and coffee merchant, CBC fans can enjoy the CBC radio blend of coffee. How is its flavor profile described? Charlie. A Rex Murphy acidity and Tom Power Sweetness are brought into Barbara Frum-like balance, offering a soothing Hanuman-Singian calm

with the barest hints of a smoky Peter Zosskiness in this fine coffee that can be hurled at your date if he starts acting like Gian Gomes. Wow. Four points. Abdul? Milk. Oh, counterpoint.

Well played, my friend. You know what? Two percent of a point. The profile described for the CBC Radio Blend is a light body with bright flavor and a clean finish. I have no notes on that. That's the firing line, everybody.

It is almost time for our fine North Van Centennial Theater audience to place their votes, but first, here to remind anyone who assumes that CBC fans are the best are being sons of critches. Let's hear from Abdulaziz. I have been unfair. There is excellent Canadian programming that has cultivated dedicated fans.

Corner gas, Letterkenny, trailer park boys, all quintessential Canadian shows beloved by fans. None of them produced by the CBC. All you poor people had was Little Mosque on the Prairie. A show that taught you racial stereo. that you had to unlearn 10 years later. And Kim's convenience, a show about racial stereotypes, that you had to unlearn 10 years later.

So while this is undoubtedly my final appearance on the CBC, I will leave confident in the knowledge that I'll be continuing its tradition of losses and bad calls. Thank you, CBC, and I'm sorry. Not only saying CBC fans aren't the best, but CBC itself, I like that you took it a step further, my friend. Now, here to tell us once again why,

when it comes to the CBC, its fans are Barbara from Goodstock. Let's hear from Charlie DeMance. Thank you. CBC fans are the most sophisticated comedy audience in this country. They're the only people to ever appreciate the one celebrity impression that I can do, which is Chantale Liber from the at-issue panel.

Okay, here it is. It's Sean Tally Bear at a surprise party being thrown for Chantale-I-Bair. Sean Tally-Bair at a surprise party being thrown in her honor. I mean, this is no surprise. Listen, our... Are the CBC fans the most likely fans in the world to complain about bad grammar? Are they the most likely people in the world to write an angry letter about ending a sentence in a preposition? Yes, that is the thing to do of which they are most likely.

But you know what audience is allowed to complain about my syntax? the audience who pays for my kids' health care with their income tax. Thank you. Yep. Bringing it home. It's that magical time for our audience to vote. By applause, who understands why Abdul says

that he's completely exosked from hearing about CBC fans? Abdulaziz. And how many CBC fans here thought that Charlie rocked your world tonight? And I could easily call it a tie, but I want to keep doing this show for a while. The winner's Charlie DeMere, CBC Man's in the best. Hey DeBaters, listeners, we've got more facts and funny coming your way.

But while you're here, why not drop us a five-star rating or review? It really helps new listeners find us. Thanks for your support. This program is brought to you in part by Speck Savers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late night drives. That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists

detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages. Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan. Book at Spexsavers.cavers.cai A.cens are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit Spexsavers.caver's to learn more. Hi, listeners' ears. Steve here. I'd like to talk to your eyes for a minute, please. Eyes?

I want you to know that I see you, and I know that every day you go through a lot. Like squinting at screens, or squinting in the bright sun. Anyway, regular eye exams are very important, and that's why at spec savers, eye exams include an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps detect eye and health conditions

at early stages. So take care of yourself, eyes. and book yourself an eye exam at specksavers.cavers.ca today from just $99, including your OCT scan. Now, to remind your ears of what I just said to your eyes, here's my best fast announcer voice. Book an eye exam with an OCT scan from $99 at specksavers.com.cavers. Prices are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.orgia to learn more. Hey, pretty good, fast talking, Steve. Thanks, normal talking, Steve. You were good, too. Hey, Northman, I have one question for you. Are you ready to meet your next pair of

debater, Canada. This comic wanted to buy his favorite toothbrush, but sadly it was out of reach. It's Lethbridge, Alberta's Farras Hittia. Farras Hattia. There he is, making his way to my right. And this comic says, to gnome her is to love her. It's Shirley Nome. Back with us to my left. Your topic is one that we hope will be. good for a couple laughs. Coffee dates. Are they the best? In Canada, there is no more reliable place for a coffee date than a Tim Hortons. Look, look, not everywhere in Canada has the coffee

shops every half block, okay? So call me plain old-fashioned, but it's a great place for singles to fritter away their time, hoping to become double-doubles. Just don't stand your date up, because there's nothing crueller than that. It's time for a debate that's good to the last mic drop. So, whereas it's a location for dating that is budget-friendly, casual and cozy, and lets things be as long or short as you want them to be, be it-resolved, coffee dates are the best. Forrest, you are arguing for this, please.

You have two minutes, starting now, Forrest Hetea. Thank you. Ladies in the audience, you're alone in the woods. Who would you rather run into? A man or a bear? Yeah. I rest my case. Good night, Steve.

I'm sorry, Tia. Good job. You're already terrified of a man in nature. You want to know what's scarier than a man in nature? A man at night. Anywhere. In fact, the later the date starts, the more time everyone has to sculpt their lives and the less time you have to get out of it.

Besides, you learn a lot of it. a lot about someone on a coffee date, like how the time suggests he might be a morning person, how his food suggests whether he prefers sweet or savory, or how switching from dairy to oat milk suggests he's bisexual. And for those that think it's a cheap or low effort attempt, have you been to a cafe lately? It takes you 35 minutes to park, and then there's only room for four tables because of the old typewriter and the Banksy installation in the corner. Like, you can't even order anymore without having an intermediate knowledge. of foreign languages and in upper middle income.

Right? I ordered a latte this morning. The barista said, Would you like macha? I said I'd like a regular amount, please. I don't speak Italian. Right? Then after pairing that with a croissant,

I've spoken three languages and spent $40 before 9 a.m. Right? For a drip coffee, they made me pour myself. I put in a shift and then tipped you for it. If that's not effort, than frankly, I don't know what effort is.

Thank you. Farras Hittia is all for coffee dates. Now, to tell us why a coffee date does not suit her to a tea, let's hear from Shirley Nome. Ah, the coffee date. A glorified job interview where the job is sex and no one is getting paid. Coffee dates are pitched as minimal commitment because of the short time frame,

but 20 to 45 minutes in this economy? Let me put this another way, dear audience. How many hours do you think you have left to live? Now does that 45 minutes seem more valuable? I personally do not have 45 minutes to spend on someone with a high likelihood of telling me about how their ex was a monster the entire time. So, what's the alternative? Do we return to matchmaking supported by community accountability?

or the lost art of getting loaded at a bar and dropping your standards. No, I'm arguing for an experience entirely devoid of money and time. You stand across from each other, each on a trap door. At the first indication this won't work, you pull your lever and are ceremoniously dropped down a tunnel that leads back to your house and plops you onto your couch. The date is over. You are safe now. And yes, this is a reality show. I'll be pitching to CBC next month.

And yes, it is called 50 Ways to Love Your Lever. Thank you. Shirley Nome is against coffee dates. All right, debaters. It is time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating whether coffee dates are the best. So, jab a minute? Because in case, I forgot to tell you the rules.

Here they are. espresso yourself with some hilarious, unfiltered material that puts a French press on your opponent, giving them a full body roast. Time to grind your opponent down, starting now. I'm just curious, though, how this works. Do you realize that you're by and then drink the oat milk? Or does the oat milk turn you by?

Because after a lifetime of heterosexuality, I will house an entire 4-liter of whatever cocoa flax macadetion. The Media Blend will finally take me to Rainbow Town. Classic chicken or the egg, I'd say. Can I also know pretty wild of you to ask a CBC crowd how long they have left to live? As to your other stance,

there is a way to show effort that involves no money, and it's asking just one question about the other person and then letting them actually finish their type... I did ask a question. Okay, that's the bare knuckle around, everybody. It's time now with a firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on coffee dates brought to you by the official non-dairy creamer

for people whose coffee dates are a success. Coffee mate. Guys, come together when you don't like one, that's for sure. Finish this quote from love to know.com. I like my dates the way I like my coffee. Farras? Italian and hairy. Two manly points.

Shirley Nome. Slowly experienced while staring out the window, regretting my life choices. That was dark. I like my dates the way I like my coffee. Strong, warm, and sweet. That was nice. That was beautiful. That was nice.

That was like a hallmark romance response. Name the 1998 rom-com, where the two leads communicate. online before finally meeting for the first time on a coffee date. Farris. The Clinton Lewinsky scandal. Three and a half points. Someone finally said it. The 1998 rom-com where the leads communicate online before meeting for the first time.

You've got mail. The updated text version, You Up? According to website Clice Etiquette, if you arrive to a coffee date early, what should you never do? Farras. Stand behind the counter and say, you're way too late when she walks in.

I like that. Shirley Nome? Tell the whole cafe deal, surprise when your date walks in. It's actually kind of fun. I like that. If you arrive early to a coffee date, you should never order your coffee.

you should wait until your date arrives. And you should never, ever tell one of the other patrons in the shop to yell at the date, what are your intentions with my child? And that's the firing line, everybody. We're rounding the corner on this one, and it's almost time for our centennial theater audience to place their votes.

But first, here again to tell us why, to her, all the fuss and excitement over coffee dates doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Let's hear again from Shirley Nome. Nothing can prove my argument more than a list of all the terrible things I've heard on coffee dates, and since they're so terrible to soften it, I've set them all to some loungy jazz chords. Oh, okay. Shirley's walking off stage, and she's come back with a guitar, ladies and gentlemen. I object.

Now, just to reiterate, these are all 100% percent. real and I wish I could forget them all. I'm single, but I haven't told my partner yet. I don't know about the whole girlfriend thing, but you definitely get me excitement. You remind me of my mom. Your skin looks like it's really soft. Don't worry, this cold sore is not the contagious type.

There's a lot of empirical evidence that aliens built the pyramids. I hope you don't mind that I brought my pet snake. Well, let's hang out on my boat. I'm definitely not a serial killer. I think that you might be my daughter from the future. She's a gink, but she put it all into a catchy too. and do a catchy tune. I respect that.

Now, here to tell us why when it comes to going on coffee dates, it's always better latte than never. Let's hear from Forrest Hitea. Ladies and gentlemen of North Vancouver, coffee dates aren't just... No, I'm kidding. Coffee dates aren't just nice vibes in a cute location. You get options.

Goes bad? Get out. A lot harder to pretend you have to be home for the contractor at 2 a.m. Ditching coffee beats ditching the creative date you thought you wanted. All right, it's easier to flee that than an escape room. Inundated by podcast recommendations, trying to remember high school arithmetic to get a key out of a lockbox. Scuba diving?

Is he worth it if he can't be interesting on land? Or if he wants to take you hiking, well, you're just not. alone with a man in the woods, aren't you? Thank you. Forrest Hetea. He's against coffee dates and against walks with strange men in the woods.

I take it. That was a good point. All right. Audience, it is up to you to decide by applause who thought that the Starbucks stopped with Forrest's coffee date diatribe, Forrest Hittia. Okay? Nice support for Forrest.

And who agreed with Shirley when she said that going on a coffee coffee date leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. Shirley Nome. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. I got to give this one just by a little bit to Shirley Nome. Speaking of for Shirley Nome and Farras Hitea, everybody.

Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson, Teng. If you're listening to this with someone while on a first coffee date, I think the two of you are going to make it. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard's side.

This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. With technical production by James Ferrella and Keenan O'Connor. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphreys, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier.

Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Centennial Theater in North Vancouver. For more CBCC, Podcasts, go to cBC.ca slash podcasts.