The Debaters - Does every home need a landline? Is Saint John superior to St. John’s?

Episode Date: December 11, 2025

We’re getting dialed in with a debate on landline phones. Then, we’re pitting two easily confused cities against each other - it’s Saint John, New Brunswick versus St. John’s, Newfoundland.Featuring: Matt Wright, Nikki Payne, James Mullinger, and Peter White.

Hi, listeners ears. Steve here. I'd like to talk to your eyes for a minute, please. Eyes? I want you to know that I see you, and I know that every day you go through a lot. Like squinting at screens, or squinting in the bright sun. Anyway, regular eye exams are very important, and that's why at spec savers, eye exams include an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps detect eye and health conditions at early stages. So take care of yourself, eyes and book yourself an eye exam at specksavers.cavers today from just $99, including your OCT scan. Now, to remind your ears of what I just said to your eyes, here's my best fast announcer voice. Book an eye exam with an OCT scan from $99 at specksavers.cavers.com. Cases are provided

by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.caver's.com to learn more. Hey, pretty good, fast talking, Steve. Thanks, normal talking, Steve. You were good, too. Hey Canada, we can contain our excitement from the home of the area 506 container village in St. John New Brunswick. It's the debaters! The debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny in this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who makes it as easy as one, two, three in the 506, Steve Batson! Hey, thanks, Graham.

Hello, Canada, and welcome back to the debaters. It is great to be back in St. John, New Brunswick. St. John, a town that harbors a mythical creature named the Uggwug. Apparently, it lives under the reversing falls, is 90 feet long, and is half seal and half salmon. So really, it should be called a sea-sam. The name ugg-wug actually means friendly animal. True story. Proof that even made-up sea creatures in New Brunswick are friendlier than actual creatures elsewhere.

Enjoy your uggwag, everybody. Time now to meet two friendly debaters whom we think won't make you go ugg. This comic works as a movie background artist because he's a bit of an extrovert. It's Newfoundland's Matt Wright, Matt Wright, everybody. There he is, coming out, riling up the crowd as he takes his place behind the lectern to my right. And this comic once borrowed a makeup artist's blush in a peaceful transfer of powder. It's Sackville, Nova Scotia's Nicky Payne.

Nikki Payne! Coming in like a house on fire, taking her place upon a pedestal behind the podium. Well, well, well. Your topic is one that begs the question, whose landline is it anyway? Landline phones. Should every home?

have one? I'll be honest. This topic was first pitched in year one of the debaters 20 years ago. But we didn't do it because we thought even back then, who still has a landline? Well, you know who still has landlines now? Quite a few CBC radio listeners. That's who. So time now for a debate that we hope rings a bell. Whereas it's a dependable form of communication that provides superior call quality and can serve as access to a household,

be it resolved, every home should have a landline phone. Matt, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now, Matt Wright. I know you guys all love your little iPhones. They give you new features and you lap it up. What if the beginning of your photos moved a little bit? The new thing is not always the better thing. Yes, the iPhone takes photos.

Should I take my grandmother's wedding photo album out to the backyard and set it on fire? I have an app to scan documents on my phone. I have never since been able to sit on a fax machine and send my butt to someone. We are losing our heritage. There are young people listening to CBC radio right now, allegedly. There are upwards of 60 to 70 young people across Canada listening to CBC radio

in the background as they watch TikTok as we speak. And they grew up in a world with Spotify, unlike we did, because we grew up in the world where most of the time, if you wanted to, hear a song, you didn't. If my cell phone, it could be anything. Blue Dote still has jeans. Someone on TikTok thinks I look like Mr. Bean's stunt double.

You know what happens when my landline rings? I have no idea. I have never picked it up. The Almighty Landline is a monument that there are still moments in life that I am allowed to be left alone, starting now. There he goes. Mad Right just left the stage.

He's gone. I don't know if he's coming back. He's contractually obligated. He just realized. Now, here to tell us why if every home had a landline phone, the fiber optics of that would be bad. Here's Nikki Payne! Shut up!

Oh no, my cell phone keeps on beeping! Turn off your notifications, Nana! In 2002, the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention did a survey that says only 29% of adults live in a home with a landline. How did the Center for Disease Control do the survey? By calling their cell phones! Why did the Center for Disease Control to the survey?

Because landlines are a disease. Market research firm Gardner says 70% of US adults solely rely on cell phones. Where did I get that fact? AI gave it to me. gave it to me on my cell phone. Did your nana's rotary phone write your debate for you? Some of your math-minded phones might have noticed that only 99% of the population has cell phones. Well, the other 1% is my Uncle Aubrey,

who lives in an on-disclosed off-grid bunker. The voices in his head don't need a phone. Aging infrastructure supporting landlines is getting expensive to maintain. Landlines depend on copper wires. Copper doesn't grow on trees, Maddie boy. Do you know who loves copper? Criminals!

Mining copper for his majesty over here's landline is environmentally horrendous. Sorry your drinking water is filled with cailing chemicals, but Princess Matt over here wanted to order a pizza when the lights were out. The world moves on, Metholomew. Technology changes, so where is it egg? Where's it going to egg? What? We're going to keep our gramophones, huh?

Maybe we'll start playing our eight track players. What's next? Are we going to start doing shows on the radio again? Nikki Payne, everybody. All right, debaters, it is time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating landline phones, so tell us. Are you dialed in? Or do you have serious hang-ups?

If your opponent has questions, will you be an answering machine? If so, kudos to you. But CRTCing is believing. So wait for my time to get busy signal. Ready? Hand set. Go. Rattah da-ta-satt-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-da-ta-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Multiply that's the amount of time it would take to dial a number on a precious rotary phone that all of our fingers were too fat to fit in. No one ever said, anything, they regretted on a rotary phone because by the time we got the number out, the feeling had passed. Rattata da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ha. No one ever sent a penis photo on a rotary phone, damn it!

Nikki? The penis pick is the new butt facts. Look, look, you could colorize grandma's wedding photos. Nobody wants you to set anything on fire, you, This is the problem in this modern technological society. No one enjoys a bit of light arson anymore because we're all too busy looking at our phones.

And I'll tell you something else about a landline. The problem with a landline is that sometimes it dies. Oh, no way, it doesn't. It's charging 100% of the time. the time. It is always charged. My grandmother died 40 years ago. Her landline still lives. What is wrong with you people? Here's a question.

Here's a question. Is your precious landline VoIP? What's VoIP? Oh, my person knows! I got them now! What voice, you ask? Well, well, my friend, it's voice over internet protocol.

That means your landline is hooked up to... That's right! The internet! No! That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. It's getting heated here. We are debating. the merits of landlines on the debaters. Time now for the firing line.

In my hand, I have a list of questions on everyone needing a landline phone brought to you by prison landline phones, although it is kind of mean to prompt the inmates to dial nine to get out. According to the Telegraph Journal in St. John, Yeah. Why were landlines in rural New Brunswick briefly out of service in early 2024?

Matt. The guy responsible for fixing them got really stuck watching TikToks of guys doing the chiropracking stuff on animals. I've been there. Nikki. I don't know, someone was stealing the copper wire. Correct answer. Someone was stealing the copper phone lines. We have a correct answer in this debate. According to the Association of Retired Persons,

what's long been seen as a primary benefit of having a landline? Matt? Your landline never gets hacked and accidentally post porn on your parents' Facebook page. That answer was not made up. Three points, my friends. Three points. What's long been seen as a primary benefit of having a landline,

it's reliable when storms knock out the power. The New York Post says landline phones are increasingly popular with the Gen Z crowd who say it's romantic. It makes me feel like a character in my favorite old TV show and what other reason Nikki makes them feel like they might one day own a house for their phone whew three points the answer is I love to talk and twirl the little cord writer Viv Groskopp says the landline phone wasn't just a communication tool it was also what

Nicky An eyesore No Matt Wright Not all of them are eyesores because some of them if you remember used to look like Garfield and that's a privilege

Good answer Two points The actual answer was it was also A Piece of Furniture And that is the firing line everybody It is almost time For our Imperial Theater audience to vote

but first here again to tell us why everyone getting landline phones is a huge disconnect for her. Let's hear again from Nikki Payne. Ah, it's simple. So phones have more features. Can you take a pick of your bathing suit area with your landline, Matt? Can you sing the picture of your bathing suit area with your landline? No. So how are we supposed to find love? And yeah, I'll be honest. Your bathing suit area pictures, it helps if they move a little bit. Some people say we need a landline in case of an emergency.

Have you read the news lately? Every day is an emergency! What rinky dinky landline's gonna do for you with the aliens land? If the drones attack, if Trump puts a tariff on air! Oh, no, North Korea finally built that bomb. Guess I'll press the buttons on my phone. Oh, oh, wait, wait, sorry, sorry. I'm vibrating.

Got to go, guys, got to take the picture in the bathing suit area. OK. OK. All right. Nicky Payne, everybody. Niggie Payne. With a strong argument,

good points, and a popular new feature on the debaters' Instagram right after the show. Now, here to tell us that he would love to see everyone in the land line up for a landline. Let's hear again from Matt Wright.

Cell phones. have convinced us that we are all miniature celebrity monsters. Look at my breakfast. Watch me dance. Look at my ugly husband Frank with his stupid farmer's tan. My iPhone wants my time and my data and my face. Do you know what my landline wants?

A springy cord and a place to rest on the world. wall. Just think about how nice it would be to stick this on the wall and walk away and end this madness. I am exhausted. I am unbelievably reachable and I'm sick of it. You could stick me on the wall with it. In fact, you could take me outside and set me on fire.

on fire. If you liked my performance in this debate, you could follow me on Instagram. You could follow me on YouTube. You could follow me on TikTok. And if you didn't, you can call my landline. Ha, ha, ha. Not right, everybody.

Not right. On behalf of the landline, Nikki Payne against... All right, Imperial Theater. It's time to vote. By applause, who did Matt's landlines land most with? Matt Wright. Woo! Lot of love for Matt.

Nikki Fett thumbs down. Okay, let's see. And who agreed more with Nikki that anyone who likes landlines should be ex-telecommunicated, Nicky Payne. It is very close, but the winner with a valiant argument, seemingly from a different time, is Matt Wright. Landlines live on. Big hands for Matt Wright and Nikki Payne, everybody. Hey debaters, listeners. Well, there's no debating it. We'd love it if you could hit the follow button on our podcast. That way, you won't miss an episode. And if you already follow us, thank you. Hi, listeners ears. Steve here. I'd like to talk to your eyes for a minute, please.

Eyes? I want you to know that I see you, and I know that every day you go through a lot. Like squinting at screens or squinting in the bright sun. Anyway, regular eye exams are very important, and that's why at spec savers, eye exams include an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps detect eye and health conditions at early stages. So take care of yourself, eyes and book yourself an eye exam at specksavers.cavers.ca today from just $99, including your OCT scan. Now, to remind your ears of what I just said to your eyes, here's my best fast announcer voice. Book an eye exam with an OCT scan from $99 at specksavers.cavers.cavers. Prices are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.cavers.

Hey, pretty good, fast talking, Steve. Thanks, normal talking, Steve. You were good, too. This program is brought to you in part by Specsavers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late-night drives. That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages. Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan. Book at Spexsavers.cavers.ca.ca. Eye exams are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit

It's backsavers.cai to learn more. Hey, St. John, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that crowd, Canada. This comic tried to convert his pool depth from feet to meters and found it hard to fathom. It's Halifax's Peter White. Come on out, Peter. There he is. Peter White, making his way to my left.

Yes, thank you, Steve. And this comic attends bird shows and always sits in the cheap, cheap seats. It's St. John New Brunswick's James Mullinger. There is James Mullinger, making his way to my right. Your topic is one for the locals. St. John New Brunswick. is it superior to St. John's Newfoundland? All right.

Just so we're very clear, this premise wasn't my idea. I don't want my Newfoundland friends to be angry at me. They make you kiss a dead fish when they like you. Meanwhile, here in St. John, I've never had to kiss a fish, but I did have the bacon-wrapped scallops at St. John Alehouse last night and honestly they were so good I wanted to take them to the closet for seven minutes in heaven maritime now for a debate where the comics ain't messing around so whereas it's less remote more affordable and offers better weather be it resolved

St. John New Brunswick is superior to St. John's Newfoundland James hometown boy you are arguing for this. You have two minutes, starting now, James Mullinger. St. John is Canada's first incorporated city. St. John's is Canada's first mistake. I should know. My first trip to St. John began with Air Canada tricking me into going to St. John's. St. John has uptown. St. John's has downtown, which tells you everything you need to know about their lack of ambition.

Both cities are beautiful, but in St John, when we say we're going out, we mean we're going uptown for art, music, theatre, comedy, fine dining, all the things that make this beautiful city great. In St. John's, going out, simply means, means buying a new shovel. This city's so good.

We don't even need an apostrophe or a stupid half-hour time difference to make it good. St. John's has George Street. Two blocks, 50 bars. St. John has Ross A Avenue. Two bars and 50 bars. members of a biker gang all called Gary. Opposite where the Three Mile used to be. This is a city of innovation, culture, and actual daylight.

We've got history, hustle and whores. Meanwhile, in St. John's, it's not so much a city as a cry for help in fog form. Our fog in St. John is romantic, but in St. John's, the fog is thick enough to hide the economy, the hope, and at least three missing premieres.

Thank you. James Mullinger. On behalf of St. John, New Brunswick, being better than St. John's Newfoundland. I'm just clarifying, yes, we are debating that. And if you're listening to your radio in St. John's right now and you're angry at James, I will allow it.

Now, here to tell us why, when the Saints go marching in, St. John's, has got his number. Let's hear from Peter White. Hello, everybody. I come to you today as a neutral Nova Scotian on behalf of the rest of Atlantic Canada to say to you, the good people of St. John. Come on.

What are we doing here? This is insane. Do you see how far we had to go to even make this a debate? Because St. John is more affordable and less remote. I guess St. John's better than Hawaii, too. And I'm saying this to you as a friend. I like St. John. I think this is a lovely town.

It's just that St. John's is magical. It's like Disneyland for drunks. It is, it's beautiful. St. John is not. St. John is like real life for drunks. I feel bad, because I mean this with no offense, but do you know that people go to St. John's on purpose? They mean to, they buy a ticket, and they go.

75% of St. John tourism is people who thought they were going to Newfoundland. St. John's is a whole new world. It's a new culture. They talk different, they act different. The rules are different. No offense, but St. John is just Moncton without the French. You don't understand. The people in St. John's, they love St. John's.

They live for St. John's. They die for St. John's. You people think you love. life, St. John. But you don't. You act like you do. It's even been worse since James showed up. You know what I mean? With his $1,000 suit and his million dollar accent, wander around stage telling you this city is great, he's lying. Do you? It's all the scam. He's basically the monorail guy. You guys don't love St. John, and I can prove it. Because people in St. John's, when they get rich,

They live in St. John's. But the dream of every single St. John resident I have ever met is to finally make enough money to move to Rosset. Asked where he lives. Asked where he lives. It's not St. John. Thank you very much, everybody. Peter White.

Woo! Peter White versus James Mullinger. All right, debaters. It's time for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether St. John, New Brunswick is superior to St. John's Newfoundland. So since you two are oceans apart on this, now's not the time to coast. As cod is my witness, you'd better make this audience lobster roll in the aisles with laughter. Prove to your opponent that something Brunswick is,

This way comes. Wait for my signal hill because your maritime begins now. I just want to start by saying I don't like making fun of St. John. It's not what I wanted to do. I'm here under duress. But every time you give me no reasons. Last time I came here, I said, what should I do in St. John? They said, go to the reversing falls.

So I went to the reversing falls. You know what? It's neither. It makes magnetic hill look fun. Now, come on. I mean, Watson John's got, Signal Hill? Big deal. We've got King Square

where the pigeons run the place like the Sopranos. I do. Like I said, I feel bad because I don't want to make fun of St. John. St. John is a lovely city. It is one of my top three favorite cities in New Brunswick. There is plenty to do here. Let me clear, this is not a rivalry.

This is a rescue mission. St. John's isn't a city. It's what happens when a lighthouse keeper and a fog corn have a baby, and no one raises it. I'd watch that movie. Okay, that's a good place to stop it. St. John's versus St. John's. St. John, man, it's not easy to get it, right.

And it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on St. John versus St. John's, brought to you by London and Paris, Ontario. We know we're not better than the other ones. St. John's, Newfoundland, has been given the nickname, City of Legends. What nickname has been given to St. John, New Brunswick? James.

We don't need a nickname, we have the smell. I will give one and a half points for that. Peter White. It's still City of Legends. It's just that City and Legends are both in quotation marks. I like that. I like that. City of Legends.

So it's really just the word of. really just the word of by itself the nickname that's been given to st john new brunswick is the port city the port city we also would have accepted the cruise ship stop passengers didn't see coming explore dot com says if you're deciding between visiting st john or st john's whichever you choose assume what peter if you choose between St. John and St. John's, I assume you don't have enough money to go anywhere nice. Three points. Three points. That's a good one. The answer we were looking for, whichever you choose, assume the seafood is delicious.

Way to go, everybody. Way to go. St. John's Newfoundland. is known for natural wonders such as icebergs and whales, while St. John New Brunswick is known for what? James? An incredible skyline if you enjoy cranes more than icebergs. All right. That's an official point.

An official point. Peter White. Absolutely nothing. No, really, I can't wait till this airs in the rest of Canada, and they go, wait, there's two? I can't guarantee you're going to make it out of here, Peter. I get security, right? This is CBC.

I've seen the ushers here tonight. We're not expecting any trouble. Don't be fooled. No, I very much appreciate the staff here at this beautiful theater. So, St. John's Newfoundland is known for icebergs and Wales. St. John, New Brunswick, is known for... They don't even know. They don't know.

The answer we were looking for was the reversing falls. The reversing falls rapids. That's fun. That's the firing line, everybody. All right. Almost time for our amazing Imperial Theater audience to vote. here again to tell us why he's always jones in for st john's let's hear again from the brave peter white listen there's small differences between st john's and st john like in st john's you get

screeched in in st john you get screeched at in st john's the traditional outfit is a south wester and rubber boots in st john it's pajama pants and a cherry I've been to them all. But these are all trivial differences. The real differences if you want to break it down is that when people think about St. John's all across the country, they think of music and dancing and drinking and fun and friends.

But when people think about St. John, well, people don't think about St. John. John. Thank you very much. Peter White. Yes. Now, here to tell us why he loves spending so much time in the John. By that he means St. John.

Let's hear from James Mullinger. Look, we all love St. John's, but St. John has always been the underdog. We don't have the big, fancy, expensive tourist ads, but we do have grit, charm and a sense of humour. This time a week ago, I sat in this theatre and watched the new Brunswick production of Come From Away. That's right. That's right. St. John does Newfoundland musicals better than Newfoundland. They say St John's is colourful, but in St John, we don't need to paint our houses. pink to distract from the fog an existential dread.

We have the decency to embrace our misery. St. John has delicious moose head beer made right here in Canada. Yes, with me. St. John's has vomit-inducing screech that tastes so bad you have to make out with a cod to get the taste out your mouth. We aren't.

Mark, we know there's room for improvement, and we have lived in their shadow long enough. Viva, St. John. Thank you. Yeah. James Mullinger. Some hometown civic pride for St. John New Brunswick and Peter White

arguing for St. John's, it is up to the audience to decide. By applause. Who thought that Peter managed to somehow come from away and grab victory with his stirring St. John's speech? Peter White. Okay, all right, that's a lot of love.

That's a lot of love. And who supports James' efforts to promote St. John and are willing to donate to his GoFundee campaign, James Mullinger. Well, it went the way it said of the winner. It's James Mullinger. St. John is better than St. John's. Big hand for James Mullinger and Peter White, everybody. a great fight.

Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying every Canadian should visit St. John and St. John's. And that is not debatable. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by

Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Porella and Jean-Vieve Boudreau. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphreys, David Pride, George Sadie, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts.

And thanks to everyone at the Imperial Theater in St. John. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.ca slash podcasts.