The Debaters - Gulp, we're going there - should Canada be the 51st state?

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

In a debate that needed its own full episode, the elbows come up and the gloves come off when two of our favourite debaters take on Canada becoming the 51st state.

Scott Payne spent nearly two decades working undercover as a biker, a neo-Nazi, a drug dealer, and a killer. But his last big mission at the FBI was the wildest of all. I have never had to burn baubles. I have never had to burn an American flag. And I damn sure was never with a group of people that stole a goat, sacrificed it in a pagan ritual, and drank its blood. And I did all that in about three days with these guys. Listen to Agent Pale Horse, the second season of White Hot Hate, available now.

This is a CBC Podcast. Hey, Canada! Our comedy show is a shoe-in from Toronto, home of the Bata Shoe Museum. It's the Debater! The Debater is where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now, here's a man who's no loafer, Steve Patterson.

Yeah! Thanks Graham Clark. Hello Canada. Welcome back to the debaters, to my hometown of Toronto. There it is. These are my neighbours. It is always great to tape here in my home city of Toronto, a place full

of life. The iconic Canada Life building has Canada's oldest weather beacon on its roof from which different coloured lights indicate coming weather conditions. It is just as exciting as it sounds. Green means clear, red means cloudy, flashing white means snow, and flashing red means rain. So handy. Every day I make the trip to the beacon to see what's coming, instead of using my phone or looking out the window.

It's time now to meet two debaters who love Beacon Off. This performer is a real gas. It's corner gases, Eric Peterson. Eric Peterson, there he is. Always one of our favorites, returning to the debater stage. And when this comic praises his favorite online forum, he gives Reddit where reddits do. It's Toronto's Arthur Simeon.

Look at this. Woo! Hello, Steve. This is going to be a good one. Your topic is one that CBC has been criticized for discussing seriously, so we'll be discussing it unseriously. Should Canada be the 51st state? Just a nice, just a nice light.

Yeah. Uh- light. Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Yes. I get it. Thank you. I anticipated that. At the time of this taping, Canadians have been booing the American anthem at sporting events. The only other time Canadians have booed like that is never. Canadians don't usually boo. A 15-year-old from Kingston, Ontario sang the American anthem at a hockey game and was booed. The only time a 15-year-old girl should be booed is never. Never boo a 15-year-old girl. The only boos that should happen at sports events is when your buddy says, here's your beer, it costs $27.

And you go, boo! Anyway, time now for a debate that's going to be very difficult for one of you. It's a debate that we think will get up an anthem. So, whereas we are a proudly independent country with our own unique customs and culture. Be it resolved that Canada should not become the 51st U.S. state. Eric, you are arguing for this. You have two minutes starting now. Eric Peterson. Hi.

Sorry. But it's time to play Fences, the new Canadian board game that comes with actual boards for building fences along our unprotected border with our suddenly awful neighbour, spelt with a U. Sorry. Unique culture and customs, you bet. This very moment demonstrates that. Here we are, a bunch of comedy-loving Canadians

trying to squeeze a laugh out of the threatened annexation of our country. We've been invited, as it were, with slander, lies and terrorism, To dump our independence and become the 51st state. I'm sorry, but this kind of ironic merriment will have to be left behind if we accept. Irony's a no-no down there. You start being ironically patriotic down there and you'll find yourself in the next flight to Guantanamo Bay with connections to your country of origin. I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to find country Canada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, we're not perfect, eh? We're a contentious bunch. Province versus province, region versus region, you know? But united in our almost continuous complaints about, you know, equalization payments, Ottawa's overreach, and, of course, the CBC. We grumble and love our health care system and our public education system.

We fight with each other about tolerance and fairness and, you know, self-correcting, even threatening separation at some point, or at least invoking the notwithstanding clause to get our own way. Which just goes to prove you don't have to get along to get along. And we do all of this without everyone carrying a gun. applause In hockey, when a fight breaks out, which it sometimes does, we don't pull a gun, we pull a sweater over a head and start punching.

That's the Canadian way. 51st state? What the puck? How stupid or scared do they think we are that we would abandon our independence and our unique culture to be part of an aspiring techno-fascist utopia whose leader is a criminal, a would-be dictator, and a mendacious self-serving blowhard. I'm sorry, but puck off! Eric Peterson, ladies and gentlemen, with his thoughts on why Canada should not ever be a 51st state. Thank you.

Well said. Got us all laughing together. Eric Peterson, everybody. Now, before I introduce our next debater I'd like to give a little bit of a disclaimer that we are a comedy show. We have a pretty good idea how this one's gonna go. It's a interesting assignment we've given him. We would only give it to one of our best and most beloved. That said, if anyone here rushes the stage, give me a five-second head start.

Now, here to insist that Canada becoming the 51st state would be a fine state of affairs according to him his words not mine Ladies and gentlemen, it's Arthur Sibian Even that was unexpected I've never had to do this before, but I have to do my own disclaimer at the top of this. CBC producers, everything I say is their idea. Because they thought that an immigrant that an immigrant

should stand in front of you today and be on this side of the argument. But no, thank you Steve. Right off the bat, which is an American saying Canada becomes the largest American state and we're in the record books immediately Everything is bigger in America and Canada would be the biggest If Canada becomes the 51st state then the CFL and the NFL will merge forming a super league called the NFL All the CFL players would go back to their real jobs as Canadian tire employees

Lumberjacks and pimps. By becoming an American state we would finally have competition for Air Canada and finally have affordable, competent air travel across the great state of Canada. This is the only reason I need to win this debate. But I'll continue, okay? Becoming the 51st state means we would get American-sized poors from bartenders. Alcoholics across the land would save money because we would get more bang for their buck. Or shall I say, more Tang for the loony. Becoming an American state would mean Canada would finally get credit for the war crimes it has committed alongside the United States.

Becoming a state would also mean no need for a prime minister. Instead, we would have a governor. And I don't know about you, but governor sounds more powerful. We also wouldn't need provincial leaders anymore. And for some provinces, that would be an amazing upgrade. That's my argument. Thank you very much.

All right. All right. All right. Arthur Simeon with his thoughts on why Canada should be a 51st state, and I'm going to make sure I keep saying it while I'm laughing, because I don't want anyone to just tune in midway through this. You know what? There was some good points in there. American-sized pours, probably better value.

Shout out, by the way, to the Canadians who have decided to just keep drinking as much alcohol as they were but just switch it to a Canadian brand. Your country needs you. Yeah. We've got ourselves a debate. And it's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether Canada should be the 51st state. So, if you can't make the audience labrador you,

I guess I Ontario you one. But remember that it's all fun and games until someone loses a P.E.I. And I'll be having none of it. No tariffs, ands, or buts. So time to go at it, strong and free, starting now. Eric, I'm so glad you brought up the you in neighbor. Imagine once we become the 51st state, imagine how much time we'll save not having to type or write that you in all these words.

We already know the word we're trying to write. Imagine how many minutes, hours, days we could save, the level of efficiency. Oh my God, what a point. That's the key to American productivity. They use shorter words. Up here we just pay people less to work harder and longer. That's not really a good point. No, I think you're arguing for me, yeah.

Oh, my God, the charm of the man. I fell right into that trap. However, you did mention that we would have American airlines up here to spread out the competition. But I don't know if that's a very good idea, because I understand that in order to fly on an American airline, you have to bring your own door. (?) (?)

This is true, but I would rather bring my own door and make sure that my luggage gets to my destination. Also, who wants to spend a thousand dollars to end up in Thunder Bay? Do you understand? You're a flying economy, I take it. And listen, once, Eric, listen, once we become an American state, we can do American things. We can wear shoes in the house. Ha! Ha, ha.

Oh, my God. It's the end. I wear shoes in the house. I'm turning into an American. See, that's what I'm saying. You're already halfway through the house. I'm turning into an American. See, that's what I'm saying. You're already halfway through the journey. Why should we stop it now? Okay, I get it.

Some of us are removing American products off the shelves and all of that, but how far are we going to go, okay? Are we gonna remove American TV shows from our programming? Yes, yes, before it's too late. We will watch endless reruns of Corner Guy! Ha ha ha! Alright, alright!

Alright! We'll be right back to our debate on whether or not Canada should become the 51st state. But first, want access to A plus comedy? Then hit the follow button on our podcast so you don't miss an episode. You know what I'd like to hear people say more often? I'm not sure. Let me think about that. I'm Nala Ayed, host of Ideas, a podcast that brings you deep thought every day. We're a show for listeners who like to slow down, to check their assumptions, and maybe even change their minds. If that's you, find and follow ideas wherever you get your podcasts.

All right. That was the bear knock-around. Oh my God. I may have walked into that one, yeah. Yeah. Time now for the firing line. In my hand I have a list of questions on Canada becoming the 51st state brought to you by Puerto Rico. Hello America, we're sitting right here. America, we're sitting right here. The National Post's article, Five Reasons Canada Would Not Be Better Off as the 51st State, includes that Canada has better healthcare, longer

lifespans, and what else? Arthur. No Wayne Gretzky. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, And we're not a hegemon. That is, we don't go around feeling we have to be number one, so that we can die with dignity and happy that we got bronze. It's not what I have here. It's a good answer though. Canada has better health care, longer lifespans, and less drastic income inequality. Alright.

In December 2024, Trump posted on TruthSocially a bizarre AI image of himself on a mountaintop with a Canadian flag. What made the image extra bizarre? Eric. flag. What made the image extra bizarre? Eric? Well, the Canadian flag in this picture is actually tacked onto a hockey stick with the number 99. I don't want to slander anyone. That wasn't just a good one, Eric. That was a great one. Thanks.

One for me. One for me. Arthur? The image was extra bizarre because he was wearing a Canadian tuxedo. That's good. The image was a little extra bizarre because the mountains in it aren't the Canadian Rockies. They were the Swiss Alps. They're now the American Alps, I think.

That's right. That's right. Residents of Washington, D.C. have long desired to become the 51st state. To reflect that sentiment, what slogan did Washington, D.C. put on its license plates? Eric? On the license plate, Canada, 51! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Over our dead bodies! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Over our dead bodies! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Mushroom cloud.

Eric, do you know how many figures there are supposed to be on the license plate? Note the slogan that Washington, D.C. put on its license plates. End taxation without representation. Whoa, catchy. I'm moving there. That's almost as long as Eric's. I know. They must have huge license plates in Washington.

American historian Arthur Herman says that rather than have Canada become the 51st state, the US and Canada should do what? Arthur. See each other casually but keep separate apartments. Good buddy. That's good, and I know for a fact that's not the first time you've said that to somebody. Eric Peterson. Ah, yes, historian Herman, with diabolical insight, tempts us with the deepest dark ambition in the heart of every Canadian

to be a superpower. Pfft! Perhaps it's only me. The US and Canada, according to American historian Arthur Herman, should become a figurative North American super state through economic cooperation along with Mexico. Which I guess is kind of what Eric was saying, the opposite up. I was hoping to be a bit funnier than the real answer, but... That's the firing line, everybody. Well, we are entering the home stretch, and it's almost time for our fantastic Danforth

Music Hall audience to vote. But first, here again to tell us why when it comes to becoming the 51st state, he says, Canada canna do it. Here again is Arthur Simeon. Listen, hear me out. Canada becoming the 51st state would mean we get to design a new flag that has stars, stripes, and a maple leaf. Canada would be the only state with universal healthcare which would come in handy after the arrival of American cereal. Every retail giant would now sell guns which would really reduce bullying in schools,

which truthfully has been getting out of hand. The 51st State Canada would be one that recognizes a woman's right to choose and grant abortion rights, which would increase tourism from Republican families across the other 50 states. Laughter and applause We would get rid of the complicated metric system and starting talking miles and inches.

If we become the 51st state, the seven Canadian NHL teams would morph into one super team that will probably still not win the Stanley Cup but still have a very loyal fan base. Sounds familiar, Toronto? Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Arthur Simeon. Oh, that is likeability, buddy. If it wasn't enough to make fun of Canada, make fun of the Leafs in Toronto. Now, here to tell us why anyone who thinks Canada should become the 51st state

needs a serious latitude adjustment, let's hear again from Eric Peterson. We're invited to become the 51st state. In the same way, a lead pipe to the head is an invitation banner being sung is boo. Boo, boo, boo. Yeah. Sorry, but no more polite Canadian. That's what you get when you terrifies a Canuck. We'll never abandon this wonderful mess of a nation wrestling for justice and fairness in a fair and just country. Canadian democracy for everyone, not this travesty of make America great again democracy.

Yeah, great for techno billionaires and screw everyone else. We will not allow USA to make a meal of us by becoming the 51st state. They'd get full, yeah, yum. And what would we get? To be bits and pieces in a mega, mega turd. Thank you. Eric Peterson, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, by applause. Who agreed with Eric? Did any U.S. plan to create a 51st state out of the true north

is a plan that will surely end up going south? Eric Peterson! Woo! Woo! Woohoo! And who agreed with Arthur's pro-51st state state of mind, Arthur Simeon? It is so close. I think... I feel like we need to get an objective on this.

I think I've got to give this one. You might want to run that one again. I couldn't tell her. Do you really want to hear it again? No, no. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is Eric Peterson. We are not becoming the 51st state of anything. Big hand for Eric Peterson and the brave winner is Eric Peterson. We are not becoming the 51st state of anything.

Big hand for Eric Peterson and the brave and noble Arthur Simeon, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson. Thank you to all our proud Canadian listeners. Thanks for keeping your minds open and your elbows up. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. minds open and your elbows up I'll argue with you again soon Canada good night the debaters is created by Richard side this week's episode was produced by

Nicole calendar Chloe Edbrook Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark with continuity by Graham Clark Diana Francis and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Todd Reimer. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphrey's Emily Ferrier and David Pryde. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto.