The Debaters - Is A Mullet Better Than A Perm Should We All Be Prepping For Doomsday

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

We’re bringing shear brilliance when mullets take on perms, then, be prepared to laugh when we discuss if everyone should become a doomsday prepper.Featuring: Dave Hemstad, Laurie Elliott, Martha Chaves, and Paul Myrehaug.

Hi, Steve Patterson here, and I love a good argument. So here we go. Is Manitoba a prairie province or a maritime one? It might sound like a joke, but University of Manitoba researchers are seriously exploring how a changing Hudson Bay could reshape Canada's economy. Dr. Fay Wang and his team are studying how increased Arctic shipping could be done responsibly and sustainably. Learn about Manitoba's surprising place in global trade by checking out the University of Manitoba's podcast. What's the big idea? This is a CBC podcast. Hey Canada, we're ready to incorporate some laughs into this show from Ottawa, Ontario home of this audience. It's the winner. Now here's a man who has to be CBC.

We are back in one of our very favorite recording homes, the Centerpoint Theater and this city has some interesting intersections. Like the corner of Mulder Avenue and Scully Way. Or Bonnie Crescent and Clyde Avenue. True story. Those are real intersections in Ottawa. There is also a Ryan Reynolds Way, but apparently no Ryan Gosling Boulevard. Come on, Ottawa. If Ryan Reynolds Way intersected with Ryan Gosling Boulevard, you'd have Canada's most impossibly handsome intersection.

Without even T. Ryan. Time to meet two debaters who hang out at the corner of smart and funny. Not actual streets here. They could be. This comic found some abandoned mining tools by the roadside and took his pick from the litter. It's Toronto's Dave Hemstead. Hempstead taking his place at the podium to my left. And this comic stopped Googling old-timey crooners once she realized she could just Bing Crosby.

It's Toronto's Lori Elliott. Looks ready, looks dedicated. I see. Definitely something different. about Lori for this one. She is supporting a curly wig for this debate. I hope this will make sense soon. All right. This is a topic that we think is hair to stay. Mullets! Are they superior to perms? We ask the questions that no one else cares about on this show. Both mullets and perms have actually made a comeback in the last little while, and mullets have many fun nicknames.

and go through a few for you. The ape drape. The Kentucky waterfall. The redneck warmer. And the Mississippi mudflap. But perms, really, are just called perms. Why not give them fun alternative names like the Curly Whirley?

Or the dish scrubber. Or the Cindy Lopper. Because curls just want to have fun. We thought that would hit. a little harder. That's all right. Time now for a debate that's sure to be a cut above. So, whereas it's an iconic hairstyle

that offers the perfect balance of business and party, be it resolved that a mullet is superior to a perm. Dave, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes starting now, Dave Hempstead. Well, aren't I just the perfect choice for this debate? Yeah, let's have the bald guy argue for hair. Why don't we argue what my favorite trimester of pregnancy is while we're up here? You couldn't get a guy with a mullet, you couldn't find a guy with hair.

No. Oh, well, hold on. Hair just came in hot from offstage. Dave is putting on hair, and now he's, now he's... Listen to the screams in the crowd. He's got a full head of hair! He's got a mullet now with a backwards hat. Well, now we can have a debate.

Okay. All right, what a transformation. Yes. The mullet is a classic hairstyle, Stephen. A hairstyle that dates back to its earliest references in Homer's Iliad, 700 BC. The chariot racers wore them for their practicality, as our hockey playing gladiators do now.

You know, as a younger man playing hockey I grew my hair out into a glorious mullet, or moulet for our francophone friends. The bangs trimmed short so my vision wasn't impaired. The back grown long so that you could see my golden blonde locks flying out the back of my helmet as I raced up the ice. My gift to the fans. Here he is, look at them go, I imagine girls other than my mom would say.

You cannot play hockey with a perm. Okay, you can't take a cross-woven knitted placemate, stuff it in a helmet and have a few crinkle-cut fries hanging out the back of your jug there. The perm is impractical. Can't go out in the rain or it's Frizz City, hey? Your chin pressed to your chest into feet so that everyone can see the top of your brand new hundred little scalp tunnels. A mullet is like a rain slicker for your head.

The water runs right off the back and a little water slide. You can play with a mullet. Look at this. You could run your fingers through it, fluff it up, let it peacock. Can't run your fingers through a berm? It is not meant to be touched.

So whereas the mullet invites a lover's caress, the perm says we need to dock. Making points for the mullet. Thank you, Dave. Now, here to run ringlets. around mullets is our permanent resident of debating. Laurie... So many things, we can look to the animal kingdom

and natural selection for guidance on this topic. The woolly mammoth, seldom called by its Latin name, Elephantis mullet damasus. Go randomly extinct, no, scientists now believe it was killed by better elephants. Hockey enthusiasts, Wayne Gretzky got a perm in the 1980s.

And a young Lori Elliott here brought his picture to my hairstylist and said, Mom, make me look like him, so he will want to marry me. But she brought me to the basement, sat me on a broken chair, wrapped an old shower curtain around my neck, and let the perm solution fill the air, babies. And after a few deep breaths, I'd stare at a poster of Wayne and the Oilers until they started playing.

And when I debuted my hair at school the next day, my new nickname wasn't the great one. It was poodlehead. But it was better than B.O. Randy, who was our class bully, and yes, he had a greasy mullet. And you can't trust mullets. You can't.

By applause, do you remember Michael Bolton's mullet? Do you remember that? Accountant up front, Rapunzel in the back? Rumor has it that his satanic mullet wrote the song Said I Loved You, but I lied. So let me mow this over. I'll take a perm, final answer. Thank you.

All right. Lori Elliott, on behalf of the Perm. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating mullets versus perms, so make sure each of you locks and loads, then mops the floor with your opponent. Put a crimp in their style till their debate goes on the frizz.

We're here until the crew cuts out. So let's get down to business in the front so we can party in the back, starting now. Can I just say one thing? Can I just say one thing? The only thing business in the front and party in the back is a funeral with an open bar.

Not your haircut. Fair enough. Okay. You know, hair is stupid, and everyone who has it looks the same to me. If you're a fan of hair, like some of you are, grow it out, by golly. Grow your beautiful hair.

Let that glorious mane drape off the back of your shoulders. Let the world know, but don't shove it in a waffle iron. What is wrong with you, you disrespectful psychopath? If hair could talk, it would say, what? Why? Okay, fine, fine, okay, okay. One thing, a little known fact about mullets is the mullet wears you.

You don't wear the hairstyle. It's like a parasite, like a brain-eating parasite. And you know what, Dave? It's starving right now. Okay, that's the bare knuckle round. I think we did it. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on the mullet versus the perm,

brought to you by the hairstyle of choice for the modern snowman. The perma frosty. Ottawa Senators fan, Jay Trepanier, who goes by the nickname Mullet Man, has become so popular the team allowed him to do what? David. Whatever he wants.

That's Mullet Power, baby. That's mullet power. Mollet power. One point. Lori Elliott. Be released on early parole. That's also Mullet Power. The actual answer is

sing the national anthem before the game. If there is any individual, of a strong singing voice. It's a mullet. In the movie Legally Blonde, what does Rees-Witherspoon's character say is the Cardinal Rule of Perm Maintenance? David. Never leave the house. You're going to answer, Lori Elliott. Every night before bed, remove your head and put it in the crisper. Hair 101. Civil War Hair, everybody. I mean, come on. Incorrect. The Cardinal Rule of Perm Maintenance, according to Reyes,

Witherspoon and legally blonde, is never get it wet within the first 24 hours. Oh, like a gremlin. Yeah, sounds like it. It does sound like a gremlin. According to Montreal's salon de duvelle.com, the four types of mullets are, classic, modern, undercut, and what? Lori Elliott. Punchable.

Two points for that one. Audience liking that one. Dave Hempstead. Increale. Spoken like a man who took French in Toronto. Eight years of it. The actual answer. Classic modern undercut and textured,

though we would have also accepted Monsieur Le Duke. And that is the firing line, everybody. All right, it is almost time for our Centerpoint Theater audience to place their votes. But first, here putting on another full court permanent press. Let's hear. from our champion for the perm, Lori Elliott. Okay. If you look up perms on the internet,

you'll see articles like get a perm and get a job. But if you look up mullet, there's a trigger warning for graphic content. They're not a hairstyle. They're a cry for help. They're the hair version of Florida man. And growing out your perm is all part of the process. You learn about love and love.

But some, some mulleteers, they just can't let go, and their mullets wither into scullets. It's true, it's true. Otherwise known as Egg puts fake beard on backwards. An icon stomping Tom Conner sang it best in the good old hockey game. Mullets get the penalties and the perms get the win. Thank you. Lori Elliott, not everyone could weave stop and time into this debate, but you did it.

Now, here to prove that much like the much-loved mullet, he does more than just hang back. Let's hear again from Dave Hempstead. The mullet has a slogan, we've heard it tonight, business in the front party in the back. If Perns had a slogan, it would be the last stop before rock bottom. Have you ever smelled a perm being made? It's like an anchovy and a skunk had a baby in an outhouse in petawawa. It sticks, and it takes hours

because a professional needs to chemically alter your DNA before sitting you under a brain toaster to burn in your new chia head. You can cut your own mullet. The mirror. David Bowie, Rambo, McGiver. Childhood heroes with iconic mullets. Fun fact, Napoleon had a mullet. That's why he wore his hat sideways.

Do you know how achy and brachy your heart would be if Billy Ray Cyrus had a perm? Oh, don't tell my heart. It's true, though. Napoleon had a mullet until he got a perm, and then he was exiled. And the hairstyle lay dormant until Napoleon Dynamite.

Adam himself had a mullet in the Garden of Eden until the snake told Eve he should get a perm. And now we live in sin. So for heaven's sake, if you're thinking of getting a perm, mullet over. Wow, I think hair makes you smarter because that was really good.

All right, audience, it is up to you to decide. Time to vote by applause. Who loved Dave's cut and dried mullet monologue Dave Hampstead. He's drinking it all in. And who preferred the perm patter that Laurie preached, Lori Elliott.

Both sides, but I got to give this one to the long-haired man to my left. Dave Hampst. Hey, debaters, listeners, we've got more facts and funny coming your way. But while you're here, why not drop us a five-star rating or review?

It really helps new listeners find us. Thanks for your support. Hi, Steve Patterson here, and I love a good argument. So here we go. Is Manitoba a prairie province or a maritime one. It might sound like a joke, but University of Manitoba researchers are seriously exploring how a changing Hudson Bay could reshape Canada's economy. Dr. Fay Wang and

his team are studying how increased Arctic shipping could be done responsibly and sustainably. Learn about Manitoba's surprising place in global trade by checking out the University of Manitoba's podcast. What's the Big Idea? This program is brought to you in part by Specksavers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late-night drives. That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages.

Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan. Book at Spexsavers.ca.caps are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.caver's.a to learn more. Hey, Ottawa, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that, Canada. This comic believes that traffic will flow more freely in the heart of her city

once the city installs that triple bypass. It's Toronto's Marta Chavez. Marta Chavez, making her way to the podium to my left. And she looks ready. And this comic has fun calculating the speed of airborne insects because time flies when you time flies. It's Alberta's Paul Meyerhawk. The hog, we call them.

Walking across the stage to my right. Hey, Steve. All right, debaters, your topic is one that we're paying more than apocalypse service to. Doomsday. Should everyone prepare for it now? Ottawa is home to a Cold War museum that was originally a nuclear fallout shelter built by Prime Minister John Defenbaker that's affectionately called the Defenbunker. It's a true story and it's a little unfair because I'm sure that other PMs wanted their own bunkers built too.

Like the Lesterby hiding spot. Or the Brian Mulrumie Mancave. or the Justin Trudeau trench for when you really want to dig in for like a decade or so. Time now for a debate that we're going to live in for a short time. So, whereas the world is getting scarier and scarier, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to ensure your survival, be it resolved that everyone should prep for doomsday.

Marta, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Marta Chavez. Thank you. I've been preparing for doomsday's my whole life. I am from the third world. I survived Manawas earthquake, the revolution, and while Paul here was learning just how to skate,

I was learning how to prepare a go bag. In case we had to run away as if we had ingested some rice and beans and the bathroom was three blocks away. I've been preparing, you know? Every day we are living a slow, gradual climate apocalypse. You know, in my bag that I brought here, in my bag I have a bikini and I have a parka, you know? And Paul will say to you that I'm just a crazy Latina,

but I'm prepared. And if Paul and I happen to be together when the seven trumpets of the apocalypse start playing burn, baby, burn, I will have a bikini. bikini for you. I have my backpack. Every day I carry it. I have hand sanitizer.

I have masks. I have lipstick because without my lipstick, I'm only a lesbian. And I have a banana. In case I need potassium or I get the monkey pox. You never know. I have a sewing kid. And the other day, my friend, she

I lost her spaghetti straps from her dress, and I stitched it back. And that is why her boobs are not going around the internet, virally. I am a hero. I can emphasize enough that you must be prepared. Thank you. Yeah, Monterey Chavez,

says we all need to prepare for Doom's Day. Now, here to insist that prepping for Doom's Day, is an idea doomed to fail as far as he's concerned. Let's hear from Alberta's Paul Meyerhawk. Thank you. Full disclosure, I am a prepper. That's right. I accepted this debate to argue against prepping,

and I prep. I'm a fraud, a charlatan, a prepper in sheep's clothing. But I don't prep for Doomsday. I'm not a lunatic! I prep for something that's actually going to happen. I am a male baldness prepper. Dumesday prepping is a sickness. I'll never understand preppers,

so I tried to put myself in Martha's shoes. I imagine myself living in downtown Toronto, prepping in my bachelor apartment, and it hit me. Toronto! No wonder Martha's a doomsday prepper, if the Maple Leafs lose in one more playoffs, it's Armageddon. That place is gonna burn, right? Even Star Hocon.

Even star hockey player Mitch Marner, who was born in Toronto, left the city because of safety concerns. Where did Mitch feel more safe? Las Vegas, Nevada. More safe over Toronto. Prep away, Martha. Prep away. Although I don't know why you would. You want to survive doomsday. That sounds terrible. Congratulations. You've prepped. Survived. Locked yourself into a fallout shouter. But what you're forgetting is you can't go out. For years, no Netflix, no Uber Eats, you just sit there reading books. No thank you, Martha.

Right? If Doomsday comes, my goal is to be the first human casualty. Because if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in an underground bunker, eating spam, and breeding with my cousins, I would have never left Alberta. Paul Meyerhug, everybody. We got ourselves a debate, and it is time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether everyone should prep for Doomsday,

so time to be a laugh generator and prepper your opponent with jokes. Make it so they're completely end of dazed and confused. Ah. Thank you. Thank you. That is marked as actual. laugh, everyone. You can win this war of the words by preventing it from becoming the day the

mirth stood still. It's time to go bag a win and make your opponent soilent themselves, starting now. Martha, let me open with this. Kim Kardashian is a prepper. End of argument. Yeah, well, I don't believe that because you cannot just save silicon at will, you know? You can never have enough silicon, ever, ever. Never, but how is she going to do when she deflates? But arse is going to deflate. I want to be alive for that.

I think it's the first time in the show's history that deflating arse has been used as a... You must eat a lot of pot brownies. Deflating arse is. Did you prep those? Did you, did you, uh... You are not allowed to prep any pot gummies because then you eat all of your freaking supply. Uh, I don't understand why you'd prep it. This is Canada. You're just gonna lose it in a fist fight to an ex-NHL enforcer.

He's just gonna steal all your stuff that you prepped. I don't really get it. Well, no, because I learned how to shank on the Toronto Public Transportation. All right. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on doomsday prepping, brought to you by Doomsday Brand Pantejos. Doomsday brand pantyhose.

The end is nylon. According to a 2023 study from best casino sites.cautoreds.cairless researchers, if nothing else on this show. Where would you find the highest concentration? of Canadians worried that the apocalypse will happen within the next week. Marta? The nearest Tim Horton, where the old timers meet up and chat. That's a good answer.

Two points. Paul Meyerhawk. Inside the Maple Leafs dressing room. The highest concentration of Canadians worried the apocalypse will happen within the next week are in BC and Ontario. In Alberta, they think it started when Pierre Trudeau was elected. A 2025 article from the Independent says doing some doomsday prepping is sensible, but doing a lot of it might lead to what? Paul.

Dating Katie Perry. Three points. This article from the Independent says doing some doomsday prepping sensible, but doing a lot of it might lead to living in a state of all-consuming anxiety. Or, even worse, a job at the Independent. Ready.gov says every American. American's basic disaster preparedness kit should include items such as food and water, a flashlight, and extra what?

Marta? All the Rocky movies, the die-hard movies and emodium. All right, I didn't know those movies could bring that on, but all right. You should have lots of food, lots of water, a flashlight, and extra batteries, preferably rechargeable, I guess.

This is going to be tough to buy more. Finish this quote from trueprepper.com. Preppers are friends, neighbors, family, and coworkers that what? Mata. Happen to be Capricorns just like Jesus. What is happening? How did Jesus get back in here? Paul Meyerhog?

We'll resort to cannibalism. I love how cheerily you said that. Trueprepper.com says preppers are friends, neighbors, neighbors. family, and coworkers, that just happened to have a plan for the future. And also want to make sure they're okay, even if you are screwed. And that is the firing line, everybody. All right, Ottawa. It is almost time for our magnificent center point theater audience to vote.

But first, here once again, making doomsday prepping jokes that'll have you doom scrolling in the aisles. Let's hear from Paul Meyerhogs. Preppers. Spend years on their collections, decades spent in the garage, canning and pickling. Not for me. My doomsday plan is to become a looter. How do you become a looter, Ottawa?

Buy a gun. Boom! Congratulations, you are a looter. Total prep time, 35 seconds. But I'm not going to be your everyday run-of-the-mill looter. I am going to be a bucket list looter. Fun things. All right?

Good example. I'll go to Connor McDavid's house. Force him at gunpoint to be my best friend. That's what I'll be doing. Okay. Next, I'll go to the home of Steve Patterson and steal that gavel he's always hammering on the desk, right? Now I'm the host of the debaters, right?

Fun things. Lastly, I will be going to my hometown of Camrose, Alberta, to kidnap R.M.P. Pierre Pollyev. Steal his toupee and march him back to where he belongs. Ottawa Carleton. I thought that was a sound effect. That was great. Now, to tell us why on the day the world ends,

she'll be up at the crack of doom, it's our salty prepper, Marta Chavez. Oh, Paul, no matter how much you try, you will not convince me to stop preparing. You know, before the pandemic, my partner was becoming a convert of maricondo. but I continue being the hoarder that I have always been. And because I hoard so many things,

so I had like a box of mismatch socks became our masks. That's what it happened. My collection of little shampoo bottles and soaps were very handy, you know. And my gazillion pamphlets from Canada proud became toilet paper. So while you're giving up on life, I'll be ready for the next disaster. And I'll be singing too.

The world is wild, this falling apart. To make it through, you need a head start. With all my gear, I'll face what life brings. I will survive with duct tape and a string. I'm the Chavez, everybody. Yeah. Bringing it all around. It's up to you to vote Ottawa by applause.

How many of you believe that Marta won this domestic squabble, Marta Chavez? Okay. And who deferred to Paul's Doomsday Defying Diatribe? Paul Meyerhawg. It is very, very close, but I gotta give this one just by a little and I got a soft spot for singing. To Marta Chavez, everybody, prepare for Doomsday.

Big hand for Marta Chavez and Paul Meyerhawg, everybody. Well, that's all for you. this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying at the end of the world is indeed nigh, then we all better have a good time tonight. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. The Debaters is created by Richard Syed. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson and Graham Clark, with continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Pirella and Pascal Jolbin. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphreys, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier.

Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Meridian Theatres at Centerpoint in Ottawa. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca.ca slash podcasts.