The Debaters - Is Coke better than Pepsi? And are family doctors overrated?

Episode Date: July 3, 2025

This week’s episode is one for the bever-ages! First, two comics try to burst each other’s bubble when they decide if Coke is superior to Pepsi. Then, it’s time to check-up on the importance of family doctors.Featuring: Dave Hemstad, Lisa Baker, Clifton Cremo, and Martha Chaves.

I'm Joshua Jackson, and I'm returning for the Audible original series, Oracle, Season 3, Murder at the Grandview. Six forty-somethings took a boat out a few days ago. One of them was found dead. The hotel, the island, something wasn't right about it. Psychic agent Nate Russo is back on the case, and you know when Nate's killer instincts are required, anything's possible.

This world's gonna eat you alive. Listen to Oracle Season 3, Murder at the Grandview, Hey, debaters listeners. This is Nicole Callender, one of the producers on the show. We're on a summer break right now, so you're about to listen to a debate we aired earlier this season. And it's one that's pretty refreshing as we get into a soda showdown with Coke vs. Pepsi. We'll be back in September with brand new episodes and to kickstart our 20th season. Thanks for listening.

Hey Canada! We're thrilled to be here in Cod's country. From the Salt Cod capital of the world, Newfound Finland and Labrador, it's the Debaters! The Debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's hilarious, no ifs, ands or howl-a-butt, Steve Patterson! Hey! Thanks, Grahams! Hello, Canada, and welcome back to The Debaters. It is always great to be here in St. John's, a city that has some very valuable real estate.

On Patrick Street in the city's west end, you could purchase yourself a church. True story. According to the real estate ad, it says, you could purchase yourself a church. True story. According to the real estate ad, it says you could use it for quote, all sorts of things, including making it a place of worship. Now, that requires literally no imagination,

but I guess you could decide what would be worshipped at the church. If you bought it, you could make it a church's chicken. That's... you can't do that. That's sacrilegious. Everyone knows the Lord's favorite chicken is Mary Brown's. Am I right? Or if not chicken, then maybe a little Jeezer's pizza. I know, I know. A Burger Kingdom come. That would probably be it. It is time now to meet two debaters who we really praise. When this comic's Microsoft account crashed, it left him at a loss for word.

It's Toronto's Dave Hempstead! Dave Hempstead taking his place behind the podium to my right. And this comic was advancing her mime career, but then she hit a glass ceiling. It's Newfoundland's own Lisa Baker! Lisa Baker str Lisa Baker, striding purposely across to the left. Your topic is one that you'd think would have been our very first debate,

but we've saved it for tonight in Newfoundland. Coke versus Pepsi, which is the superior soft drink. Now, in case the rest of Canada that's listening out there doesn't know, there used to be a Coca-Cola plant in St. John's, but it closed down. So for years, there's been only the Pepsi plant here providing refreshment and jobs. Which is great, but you can't have a Mentos plant open up anywhere near it. Or you are one earthquake away from the world's biggest Mentos Pepsi volcano. I was hoping that one would really pop.

Anyway, let's get to a debate that won't go flat. So, whereas its iconic taste was the first of its kind and has stood the test of time, be it resolved that Coke is superior to Pepsi. Dave, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Good luck, Dave Hempstead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I agreed to this debate, I had no idea that Pepsi was so ingrained in your culture or that the Coke factory left. And you're still carrying a grudge. It was 49 years ago. Move on.

I don't really have a dog in this fight. I mean, based on the sugar content, both of these products are just diabetes in a can. But Pepsi is for children. All the time you hear, we don't have Coke. Is Pepsi okay? No. We're out of Escargot. Would you like a slug? Coca-Cola wanted the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Pepsi lit Michael Jackson's head on fire. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Coca-Cola was made with cocaine.

Pepsi was made with crystal meth. Which explains why you guys like it. They even called it Crystal Pepsi. Which is probably a crush flavour out here. Pineapple crush is available here and nowhere else. You don't share it. Why don't you offer us a Pineapple Crush instead of screeching us in? Screech is the sound people make

when you offer them a Pepsi instead of Coke. Like... Whoo! Maybe kissing Cod's mouths and puffin' arses has wreaked havoc on your taste buds, wha? You kiss all kinds of things you shouldn't out here. So of course you like Pepsi. It's the kissing cousin of Coke.

No wonder Coke left. You know who else left St. John's? The Toronto Maple Leafs farm team. Yeah, because you made them drink Pepsi. Amazingly enough, they now play at the Coca-Cola Centre. Yeah, it's like your ex and your best friend hooked up in another city. Coke is better. The end. Dave Hempstead with an explosive opening argument on behalf of Coke. Now, on behalf of Pepsi, here's the sometimes sweet and bubbly,

but other times just explosive, Lisa Baker. Whoo! Dave is very brave to be here, arguing in favor of Coke like a proper skeet hanging around a bus stop at the mall. Look, Pepsi is not just a soft drink in my beautiful home province, it's a lifestyle, to the point that the government implemented a sugar tax to try and reduce consumption. And we told them the same thing we told them when they taxed alcohol to death. You'll never price it what it's worth.

We all know red wine goes with beef, but the perfect pairing for a feed of fish and chips is an ice cold Pepsi. The only time Coke is good is when you dump rum into it. And at one point Coke did come with party favors. Pepsi tastes like childhood. I remember going to bingo at the church with Nan when I was a youngster, watching her play Pepsi tastes like childhood. I remember going to bingo at the church in Wynnean when I was a youngster, watching her play 67 bingo cards while sipping from ice cold tins of diet Pepsi.

She had a diabetes, see? That stopped when they started enforcing the legal gambling age, but the memories remain. If you ask someone for a tin of drink, they're going to give you a Pepsi. If they bring you anything else, nostalgia in a can. It's the thing that ties generations together. It's what we band over at weddings, funerals and family court appearances. Babies are baptized in it. You can buy it in the formula section of any store. Pepsi wasn't just the choice of a generation for us, it was the choice of every generation.

Unless it's in a plastic bottle, you can throw that in the garbage. Might as well drink Coke. Thank you, Steve. Lisa Baker, on behalf of the family of the best, I want to thank you for coming out today. You should as well drink Coke. Thank you, Steve. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Whoo! Lisa Baker, on behalf of Pepsi, I just have a couple questions. What did you just say?

I, um... I was still trying to decipher a skeed. LAUGHTER All right, debaters, it's time now for the Bear Knuckle Round. We're debating if Coke is better than Pepsi. So the rules are... No collaboration, because this is one for the Beverages. You go at your opponent with energy and pep, see?

I have no doubt that you can both aspartame the beast that is your opponent, or my name isn't Stevia Patterson. Now it's time to have a joke and a smile. Applause Look, Baker, of course you're like Pepsi. You're from here. You're part of the same sickness. This place is Jonestown and Pepsi is your Kool-Aid.

Laughter Fight works. This is Jonestown and Pepsi is your Kool-Aid. Ohhhh! Fight works! Oh, wait, Lisa Baker is... Whoa! She's opening up a Pepsi! The more you talk, the more I'm winning. Well, stay out of this, Baker. It has nothing to do with you. Have a Coke and a smile.

I'd rather drink the brine from a bucket of salt beef. Yeah, I'm not known for your dental hygiene out here, hey? Shame they don't give out a toothbrush with every case of Pepsi. He's so mean. He is kind of mean sometimes. Why is he being so mean, Steve? I don't know. I've realized that they're going to turn against him, so I'm with you. I'm... Well, we'll see what happens when we go to Shamrock City down on Water Street after this, around 10 o'clock, if he wants to meet us.

Again, I don't know what that means. You people eat fried cod tongues and toutons with molasses and beans for breakfast. Who cares what you drink, you sugar junkies? Pepsi is the cheese whiz of dairy. Oh, now you're going to take shot the cheese whiz of dairy. Ha! Oh, now you're gonna take shot the cheese whiz? That might be a good place to stop it. Alright, that was the Bear Knuckle Round. Whoo!

We got a lively one. We're debating Coke versus Pepsi in St. John's, and Dave is losing. It is time now for the firing line. Pepsi in St. John's, and Dave is losing. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Coke vs. Pepsi brought to you by RC Cola. RC Cola, who lost the Cola Wars so hard that their actual slogan was, R.C. Cola, why not?

The real slogan. In 2019, what significant benchmark did Pepsi hit in Newfoundland? Lisa. 100 confirmed kills. Oh, what are we doing here? Incorrect, but the sick crowd here loved it. Five points. Well, with all the people I saw puking on George Street last night, I'd say Pepsi's made a lot of benchmarks.

Yes. Oh! So, let's get that. Three and a half points. In 2019, Pepsi hit the 75 years in Newfoundland mark. Whoo! Which seems to be longer than Newfoundland has been part of Canada, if I'm doing the math correct.

What long held rumour about Coke did the New York Times confirm in a 1996 article? Lisa? That it contains birth control pills, but in fairness that might have just been my house. I had one in high school. The long held rumor about Coke that the New York Times confirmed in a 1996 article was that in the late 19th century, it actually contained cocaine. Because cocaine wasn't illegal in Canada or in the US until 1914. Whoo! LAUGHTER What did Coca-Cola president Don Keough say when asked

if they made new Coke a failure on purpose to improve sales of Coca-Cola Classic? Lisa Baker. He said yes, because the only way to sell Coke is to have a grosser alternative. Incorrect, but one point anyway. Dave Epstad. Well, let me just check my What Did Don Keough Say notebook.

Turns out he said, yeah, New Coke's crap, but it's still better than Pepsi. One point for that. No, when asked if they made New Coke a failure on purpose, he said, we're not that smart. In fall 2023, the Newfoundland government confirmed that it had collected $11 million in one year from what cola-related initiative?

Dave? They returned all the empties. You're going to answer. Two points. Lisa? It was for lamb and Pepsi sales on the George Street Festival. Again, didn't understand it, but two points. The Newfoundland government confirmed

it had collected $11 million in one year from the sugar sweetened beverage tax, which is 20 cents per liter. Don't even start me on that, Steve. I'm sorry. I don't even know what I just read. Slate.com says that Pepsi tends to beat Coke in blind taste tests because why? Dave? You can't trust blind people, Steve.

Incorrect, Dave. You can absolutely trust blind people. Lisa? The heightened sense of taste allows us to pick up the subtle hint of mediocrity. Nope. The answer is because Pepsi is sweeter than Coke. Sweeter than everything. Sweeter than Coke.

And that is the firing line, everybody. It is almost time for our Holy Heart theater audience to vote again, but first, here with another effervescent pep talk. Let's hear again from Lisa Baker. Everyone loves Pepsi, except Bill Cosby. Cosby loves Coca-Cola. Sounds like Dave hates Newfoundland but loves Coke. And Bill Cosme. Laughter Yikes, Dave. Yikes.

Laughter Pepsi is refreshing, delicious and, combined with Jig's dinner, the perfect hangover cure. Coke tastes like liquified cardboard. Pepsi is refreshing, delicious, and combined with Jigs Dinner, the perfect hangover cure. Coke tastes like liquefied cardboard. Pepsi makes you feel like everything is right with the world, like it's 1987, I'm 10 years old, riding my banana seat bicycle to the store with a note for smokes for me father, and I get to keep the change.

They say Coke closed the plant down the Orleans, but the truth is we ran them off. Go on with your snake oil. Pepsi is bottled right here in St. John's, Newfoundland, not far from where we're standing now. Support local. Thank you, Steve. Yeah. Lisa Baker. Lisa Baker! On behalf of Pepsi, questioning a lot of Dave's choices, all right. Here to answer the coal of the wild, let's hear again from Dave Amstad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You people settle for less, then. You're the only place in the country that is a half hour off. Right? The whole world's cut into hours and you said, I would just take a half. Sunday's at nine, nine thirty in Newfoundland and Labrador. You're not even a province by yourself. Who cares what you like?

Pepsi is the Labrador of colas. You guys love copycats and knockoffs. Pepsi instead of Coke, instead of Kleenex, you use your sleeves. Why pay for Magnum P.I. when you could have Republic of Doyle? Don't worry, you'll get these jokes in 30 minutes. Look, Coke can't be improved. Even New Coke wasn't better than Coke and they had the recipe. But who cares where I think?

I'm from away. We know. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Dave Epstein, everybody! I don't know! Dave Epstein!

Dave Epstein! Dave Epstein! Dave Epstein! Dave Epstein! Dave Epstein! Dave Hempstead, everybody. I don't know. Dave Hempstead. Audience, it is up to you to decide in one that they don't have stuff to throw at you, Dave. It's all right. It is time to vote, St. John's. By applause, who heard Dave's Coke contribution and thought it's the real thing? Dave Hempstead.

Nice. Some very nice support here in St. John's for David. He's trying to get more. It is not coming. And who listened to Lisa's soda pop patter and decided to catch that Pepsi spirit? Lisa Baker. There it is!

The crowd has spoken, they like their Pepsi, they love their Lisa Baker! Lisa Baker is the winner! Thank you for Lisa Baker and Dave Hempstead everybody! You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? You're listening to CBC Radio's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram at atcdcdebaters.

I'm Joshua Jackson and I'm returning for the audible original series, Oracle, season 3, Murder at the Grandview. Six forty-somethings took a boat out a few days ago. One of them was found dead. The hotel, the island, something wasn't right about it. Psychic agent Nate Russo is back on the case, and you know when Nate's killer instincts are required, anything's possible. This world's gonna eat you alive.

Listen to Oracle Season 3, Murder at the Grand View, now on Audible. left on red will recall the person who ghosted you and say, Hey, why'd you do that? And usually it leads to some pretty embarrassing and explosive things. Yeah, so check out the Adam Wild and Jack show available every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey St. John's, I have just one question for you. Are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? I take that as a yes. This comic once licked a set of jumper cables and gave himself a real start.

It's Cape Breton's Clifton Cremmo. Clifton, there he is, striding out from my right, crossing the stage to take the podium to my left. Hi Clifton. Howdy Steve. Welcome back my friend. And this comicifton. Howdy, Steve. Welcome back, my friend. And this comic prefers black bears to their polar opposite. It's Toronto's Marta Chavez.

Marta Chavez. There she is. Saying hi to everybody. Welcome back. Hello, Steve. Debaters, your topic is one that will be good for what ails you. Family doctors, are they overrated? I understand this is a bit of a delicate issue to debate in a region where getting and keeping

a family doctor is always at the forefront of the news. The topic even became a movie in 2013 called The Grand Seduction. Yeah, about a troubled Newfoundland fishing village that must try to convince a young doctor to move here. This is the second time that a movie has been made about the shortage of family physicians here. The first time was a James Bond movie called Doctor No. was a James Bond movie called Doctor No. Anyway, time now for a debate that we hope won't test your patients. So, whereas they come with longer wait times, less availability, and are not the only option for healthcare,

be it resolved that family doctors are overrated. Clifton, you're arguing for this please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Clifton, you're arguing for this please. You have two minutes starting now. Clifton Cremo. Steve said it best. They come with longer wait times, less availability, and they're not the only option for healthcare. Family doctors are overrated. Boom. Mic drop. Clifton Cremo, everybody. I know from personal experience that family doctors are overrated because I'm one of the twelve people in this country that have one.

All a family doctor ever wants to do is talk about me being overweight. You know, I could show up with a broken arm and they'll still be like, well Clifton, if you didn't have all that weight to fall on it with and that stuff hurts to hear you know from anyone else those are fighting words like just cuz you're my family doctor doesn't make you family you don't visit a family doctor to get well you visit a family doctor to get a referral. All a family doctor is qualified to do is call someone who's qualified to do something. They are the mall cop of the healthcare field. My opponent might say something like, a family doctor puts the care in health care.

That's not what I want. If I had to choose which of the two words was more important, it's health every time. If I wanted someone to care, I wouldn't call my family doctor, I'd call a therapist, who would then tell me't call my family doctor, I'd call a therapist. Who would then tell me to call my family doctor. For referrals.

Thank you. Okay. Clifton Cremow that family doctors are overrated and you know, pretty good point. Family doctors often do just give referrals. And three people liked it and then there's some angry, I assume, doctors here. Um. Now, here to prove that she's got her finger

on the pulse of the audience in favor of family doctors, let's hear from our own doctor of comedy, Martha Chavez. Well, first of all, let me thank my lucky stars that my boat landed in Canada and not in the USA where they based their health care on thoughts and prayers. A quick internet search cannot replace a doctor visit because Googling symptoms or asking your ex who is into crystal healing and aura readings won't magically teleport you to the right clinic. Imagine you get a mole shaped like the map of Newfoundland. You decide to Google it and, ay, Dios mío, never Google any mole because you think you have Paranguanica tirimicero, exceptional. And then you're gonna take your voluptuous Rs to the ER.

Now, if you think that waiting for an appointment with a family doctor takes forever, imagine the ER waiting room, full of sick people. You stuck in the middle of a symphony of sneezes, Imagine the ER waiting room full of sick people. You stuck in the middle of a symphony of sneezes, coughs, and unexpected sound effects. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. That's the nine circles of hell of Dante's Inferno. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Family doctors provide context, reassurance, human touch. They refer you to the proper specialist. They can translate.

Doctors speak into human English. Google tells you it's acute laryngitis. And then the doctor tells you it's acute laryngitis, and then the doctors tells you it's a sore throat. Go suck on some fisherman's friends. That is why statistics show that 80% of Canadians have or want a family doctor. Google it. Choosing between having a family doctor or not is like choosing between a foghorn

and whispering in the fog. One gets attention, the other one gets lost in the mist, me son. Thank you very much. Thank you. Let's have it. Alright St. John's. Time again for the Bear Knuckle Round. We're debating whether family doctors are overrated. So, as you examine each other, be prepared to turn your head and scoff. But remember, you can still make a full recovery

if you cover a wide stethoscope of material. Don't be a hypocritic oaf. Let the exploratory probing for laughs start now. Martha, you want me to use Google to figure out that 80% of people want a family doctor, but not to figure out what disease is ailing me? Exactly. Exactly, because you can check statistics, but you ain't no doctor. You know, you may think that you have is a humongous, earth-shattering, neighbor-scaring,

horrible fart. Maybe that's what it is. You don't know. You're not a doctor. You know a lot about farts, Martha? I do, because as a matter of fact, he called me an old fart last night. He said that's why I'm obsessed with this doctor thing.

I said you were an old Marth. Oh, okay. Alright, that's the Fair Nuff Around everybody. It's time now for the firing line. In my hand I have a list of questions on family doctors brought to you by the doctor most important to pirates, the eye doctor. The dumber the better to me. According to metamap.ca, a walk-in clinic doctor can perform many of the same services

as a family doctor, but the downside is they're usually what? Clifton. More convenient. The downside is that they're more convenient. I see what you're doing there. One point. Marta. The downside is that they are totally ignorant of who you are.

Last time I went to a walk-in clinic, I got diagnosed with two children and a swollen prostate. So... You know? The downside of a walk-in clinic is that they are less familiar with your medical history. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Some people are excited about that. What does the Newfoundland and Labrador Health and Community Services

website say you should do if you are without a family doctor? Marta. Kiss aAD or consult a clairvoyant octopus. I do like that answer. Two points. Clifton. Leave Newfoundland and Labrador. That's fighting words here. No, you should register with Patient Connect Newfoundland, which tries to connect individuals to a primary care provider. We would also have accepted Try Not to Get Hurt.

That's the firing line, everybody. It's almost time for our fabulous Holy Heart Theatre audience to pick a winner. But first, here again with an in-clinician to support family doctors, let's hear again from Marta Chavez. Well, you know, sure that waiting for an appointment might take as long as a month of Sundays. But that problem will be solved if we have more family doctors around, not less. After all, when you have no food, do you decide not to buy any food? No, you want more food.

You don't want less food. And I believe that my health should be a partnership between me and my primary healthcare provider, not between me and a long-haired boy who got his degree from Facebook University. I went for my annual checkup in January and the doctor told me that in my blood test they found bacon. When I told her to stop fat shaming me she said, I am not fat shaming you. I am cholesterol shaming you.

And she sent me to the cardiologist. Yes. And since then I lost 30 pounds. My family doctor saved my life. Thank you. Yeah, Martha Seven. Thank you, Martha's doctor. We need Martha.

Now, here to tell us why having to deal with a family doctor is a bitter pill to swallow, let's hear again from Clifton Cremow. The last time I went to see my family doctor, they told me, you're healthy as a horse. So I was like, a horse? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And he was like, whoa, big fella.

It was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella.

I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella.

I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella.

I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, whoa, big fella. I was like, the family doctorian. I don't want a doctor who knows my family history. The last thing you want to hear when you're getting a prostate exam is just how much you resembles your father. Thank you very much. Lifting Cremo!

Getting some healthy laughs, good points on behalf of family doctors. That's it. It is up to our audience to decide by applause who felt that Marta's favorable family doctor dictum arrived just in the clinic of time. Marta Chavez. And who agreed with Clifton that family doctors are just tongue depressing. We don't need them. Clifton Crimmow. This is pretty close. This is pretty close. But we've got to give this one to Martha Chavez.

Keep the family doctors. Big hand for Martha Chavez keep the family doctors Well, that's all for this week I'm Steve Patterson saying to all young people training to be doctors in this country, please stay here It's a sick place to live. I'll argue with you again soon Canada. Good night We'll talk to you again soon. Canada, goodnight! The Debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark.

With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Mark Strong. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, Emily Ferrier and David Pride. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Holy Heart Theatre in St. John's. For more CBC podcasts go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.