The Debaters - Is Ottawa more exciting than Montreal? Are sports the best way to meet people?

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

Canada’s capital takes on the crème de la crème when we decide if Ottawa is more exciting than Montreal. Then, we’re keeping score on whether it’s best to meet people through playing sports.Featuring: Ron Sparks, Derek Seguin, Rob Pue, and DeAnne Smith.

This program is brought to you in part by Specsavers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late-night drives. That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages. Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan.

Book at Spexavers.cavers.caps are provided by independent optometrists. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.com to learn more. This is a CBC podcast. Hey, Canada. Are you ready to rev it up from the home of Canada Revenue Agency? It's the debater. The man whose comedy you can't write off. In beautiful Ottawa, Ontario. A city with no end of wildlife. In fact, one particular animal is causing things to go south. The city says that the geese are cranky and scary

and leave giant messes everywhere. Here's the thing. It's almost impossible for Ottawa to get rid of cranky, scary things that crap on everything. All right? When you try, they just go running a special by-election in Alberta. Time now to meet two debaters who are ready to beak off. When this comic's family gets on a plane, Sparks usually fly.

It's Chatham, Ontario's Ron Sparks, taking his place behind the podium to my left. Thank you, Steve. And when this comic's friends didn't believe his brag that he made his own duvets, he just doubled down. It's Brazao Quebec's Dix. To stay to my right.

Hey, Steve. Debaters, your topic is one that tells the 10th. of two cities. Ottawa versus Montreal. Which city is more exciting? I'll be honest. I have had great times in both Ottawa and Montreal and I've even resided in both cities. I have sweet memories of living here in Ottawa and running along the Rideau Canal and merry-making in the market and even passing some time on Parliament Hill. While my memories of Montreal are, well I can't I can't I can't legally describe most of them on Steve.

You're welcome. They were fun. Now, here's a debate that will have you partying until the break of at least 10 p.m. So, whereas it's our nation's capital, where there's no shortage of cultural events, tourism opportunities, and political intrigue, be it resolved that Ottawa is more exciting than Montreal.

Ron, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes, starting now, Ron Sparks. Thank you, Steve. We know Ottawa is more exciting than Montreal simply by virtue of Derek and I being here. Spoiler alert, he is from Montreal. A man defending his own hometown is expected, not exciting. I, on the other hand, have never lived in Ottawa yet.

Yet I, one of K.A. Canada's most exciting and dynamic comedians. I'm here because Ottawa is exciting. What's the best indicator of a city's excitement, Steve? Sports! You're thinking, but Montreal has 24 Stanley Cups more than anyone else. Yeah, that's the problem. Imagine living in a city that wins so many cups, they become meaningless.

Steve, I go to Montreal, I leave my hotel. I'm tripping over Stanley Cups in the street. I got so bored of winning Stanley Cups that they just stopped doing it in 1993. Outside the box, thinking, even makes transit exciting. Consider the O train. What an exciting way

to get halfway to the airport. Most cities, Steve, they fall into that of building their trains from somewhere to someplace. Well, it looks like someone just walked out into the middle of a random field and said, let's put a train here. And all of you just said, okay, which way? And they just pointed in a random direction.

It's a... It is to take Ottawa Transit to the airport, Steve? You catch a bus that takes you to where the train starts. Then settle in, because you're taking the train all the way to the end of the... Like, three stops.

And then you get off, and you wait for another bus to take it to the airport. And you know what? That bus pulls up, the door opens. Same driver! I'm pretty sure what happens is the first bus drops you off and then just drives alongside the train and picks you up again. That is stupid. But you know, it's exciting. He's arguing for you.

Medno. Here to talk Montreal up while giving Ottawa a French dressing down. Let's hear from our favorite Quebecer, Derek Sagan. To me, the best thing about Ottawa, it's your proximity to Montreal, really. That's literally the best thing Ottawa have going for it. I guess the second best thing is that you're even closer to the province of Quebec. Getsnui is like seven minute walk away. And gets no is like the 11th most exciting city in Quebec.

At like 6.30 p.m., this city ceases to be a city. It converts into the backdrop of like a post-apocalyptic movie set where only Will Smith walks the streets. Montreal is always bustling, always alive, full of action, fun, something delicious to eat and later show up, probably. Because that's right, Montreal, it's synonymous with incredible food, the place where Putin was born. The original smoke meat sandwich, the Quebec was,

Pizza. That's right, you add bacon to everything, now it's Quebecua and awesome. And what about the quintessential cheap meal? The Tsmei, right? This Tzmi, no one else does steam hot dog. You can still eat for three dollars. I knew that wouldn't do anything good for me.

Somebody should set up a Shtemet, whatever, camion in the field by the train. Don't trains run on steam? Anyway. In Ottawa here, you're fed a constant diet of bureaucratic waste and BS. And you know what BS tastes like, Ron? Tastes like S. And let's talk about our hockey teams.

The Senators? The Senators, really. Named after blow-hard cronies of past failed prime ministers. That sounds super. That sounds super sporty. Montreal of the Kennesienne, the pride of a nation. Beer drinking, Putin-eating, patriots with a two-four of Stanley Cups that we keep very carefully in the box. No offense, Ottawa, but you can keep your civil service.

I choose fun and culture every time. Thank you. All right. Derek Saga. Derek Siga. We're partying tonight, Ottawa. All right, debaters. It is time now for the bare-knuckle round.

We are debating whether Ottawa's more exciting than Montreal. I've got to stop laughing when I say it. Sorry. We're debating whether Ottawa is more exciting than Montreal, so I'll be Franco with you two. It won't be a capital offense if you Notre Dame at all. So be true to your by word. and you'll

sirk to so lay your opponent out flat. So let the Spark Street fly and it's Montreal hands on deck starting now. I'm still quite amazed at how excited you made these people about public transit. Seems to me civil servants should be able to afford cars.

And if you want exciting transit, we have exciting transit in Montreal. Like our overpasses could fall on you any second. Exciting. And the stadium. Don't forget the stadium. That's right.

Well, I guess the good people here of Ottawa will just have to take solace in the fact that even though they have the notable handicap of not having a stadium or even a team, they have still won just as many World Series championships as Montreal. If they did have a team here, they'd probably call it something stupid

like the parliamentarians. So fun. Watch these guys with the white wigs. Play baseball. But listen, let's change a topic. We got some people here who don't like sports. You know what? Everyone likes Steve?

What, Ron? Sex. Sexy, sexy, sex, Steve. And this city is the sexiest place on earth. The city is so sexually liberated, in fact, that its name literally used to be bytab. It's also known as the super sex place to anybody in Boston.

Come, you know what? You guys aren't ready to come to Montreal. If you get excited about a train like that, maybe you should stay here, I have a heart attack. With how much fun you will have? Steve had to move to Toronto because I made him have so much fun. Okay, that's a good place to stop it. That's the bare knuckle round.

It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Ottawa, being more exciting than Montreal, brought to you by the Rolling Stone song about the city across the river from Ottawa. I can't get no satisfaction. Destination Ontario says Ottawa is one of the country's most vibrant and exciting cities,

citing factors such as a walkable downtown, Great Public Transportation. You guys really love that, don't you? Sorry, I better finish it. Great public transportation and an abundance of what? Ron? Hot tubs and bouncy castles abandoned by truckers? Good. Good guess, but no.

Derek? What makes the city excited? I still don't get it. It makes you exciting is the walkable downtown and great public transit. And how about, like, an abundance of trees to hang yourself from? What are we doing now?

Sorry, sorry. That's a little dark. Wait a sec. Do you have a... Derek? An abundance of sad people from being happy about transit and walking. Okay. I can work with that. Which leads to the trees, though.

Okay, Derek. Now you're skipping past the exciting part. All of those trees are walkable. The answer we were looking forward to the question I asked some time ago. An abundance of parks. You know what? We can stop debating now. If you think...

One of the top five unusual things to do in Montreal, according to Traveling the Wildside.com, is to wake up early and stand in line to see what? Derek? This actually is interesting. If you go early enough out into the outskirts of Montreal, you can watch the cows smoking cigarettes, which is how we get smoked meat.

They're only allowed to smoke before... 6 a.m. What do I... That's strong, buddy. Report. Ron Sparks. It's Montreal, so I'm thinking it's got to be something pretty boring. Like, I don't know.

Maybe watch somebody make bagels. Correct. Be made from scratch. Budget Your Trip.com says, compared to Ottawa, Montreal has more sites, more attractions, and more what? Ron. Raw bagels. Probably.

Derek's again. Montreal has more everything. Cities, people, fun, bars, trip joints, bagel shops. We have more everything. We're bigger, better, we have more rivers, we have more mountains. All right, you know what, everybody? You guys are banned.

All of you are banned from Montreal. The short answer is Montreal has more. Montreal has more activities. What the hell is that? I just wanted to see how many words you would say before you fell down. You've been smoking a cow cigarette for 12 hours already. And banning them from Montreal, I mean, really. How are they supposed to get there?

They got no train. You can't ride those cows very far before they start coughing up a lung. And unlike the convenient suicide trees we got here, Montreal is not walkable. Stop it with the trees. Oh, Montreal's official motto is the Latin phrase, Concordia Salas, which translates to well-being through harmony. What is Ottawa's motto?

Ron? Montreal's is Concordia Salas, and Ottawa's is Concordia Phalus. which loosely translates as, hey, when you're done cooking your bagels, we got a place you can hang them. I think we lost a couple audience members with that one. Good one, good one.

Six points. Derek. Ottawa's model is also Latin. It's humilis expectatiole vera, which means where low expectations come true. Another six point answer. Ottawa's motto is, advance Ottawa, on of all. It's so exciting.

That is the firing line, everybody. All right, it's just about that magical time when our theater audience here at the Center Point votes. But first, here again to tell us why, when it comes to living in his favorite Canadian city, he's Montreal in. Let's hear again from Derek. Say again. Montreal was literally responsible

for keeping fun alive during prohibition. The whole continent was like, no, we don't want people drinking and having fun anymore. Let's make them all sad. And they even called it the Great Depression, if you remember. Don't Google any of these facts, but I'm pretty sure it goes they at least overlap. But it was Montreal families that were like, no way, not on our watch. People like, they need to have drunken fun. That's where people like the Moulson's and the Bronfmans, they stepped up and kept

bootle and booze to everybody across North America to be drunk and happy. You're welcome Ottawa. Everybody says it's the place fun forgot. Well, if you remember, it's cause of Montreal. Ottawa's nice enough to visit, but Montreal is the greatest city on Earth. So, don't feel so bad. Thank you. On Montreal, being more fun than Ottawa.

Now, here to tell us why, if you end up living in Ottawa, you'll feel like you ought to won the lottery. I think that's what he's going to say. Let's hear again from Ron Sparks. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, nothing is more exciting than being famous. And in Ottawa, anyone can make global headlines.

Because we are just 15 minutes from the Prime Minister's cottage. Tonight, Steve can just drive there, climb his fence, break in with a rock, and wake him up. It's happened before. And this time tomorrow, Steve will be world famous. I think that's exciting, Steve. You know who agrees with me? Ottawa Mayor Mark Sutcliffe.

I called his office earlier today to let him know about your plan to trespass at the Prime Minister's cottage. And he got back to me with this voicemail. Hi, Ron. It's Mark Sutcliffe, mayor of the city of Ottawa. Look, I just wanted to say thank you for warning me about Steve's plan to trespass at the Prime Minister's cottage. Steve, don't do it. Okay, it's a bad idea. There are many other exciting things to do in our great city. Ottawa will blow you away without you taking the risk of getting arrested for trespassing.

Okay? Okay, thank you. Mark Tucker! Audience, have you ever been to us? show in Montreal where the mayor threatens to arrest the host because the host threatened to break into the prime minister's house and crawl into bed with them? No, that only happens in Ottawa because Ottawa is not just our capital city it's the capital of excitement. Ron Sparks everybody.

Yeah, pulling out all the stuff. All right, it is up to you to decide audience. By applause, who thought that Ron's Ottawa points ought to win, Ron Sparks? And who thought that Derek cleaned up with his French-made Montreal musings, Derek Sagan? I'd say give it to Ottawa. They clearly have very sensitive feelings. All right, it's a good decision. The winner is Ottawa.

Hey, debateers, listeners. We've got more facts and funny coming your way. But while you're here, why not drop us a five-star rating or review? It really helps new listeners find us. Thanks for your support. This program is brought to you in part by Specsavers. Every day, your eyes go through a lot. Squinting at screens, driving into the bright sun, reading in dim light, even late-night drives.

That's why regular eye exams are so important. At Specsavers, every standard eye exam includes an advanced OCT 3D eye scan, technology that helps independent optometrists detect eye and health conditions at their earliest stages. Take care of your eyes. Book your eye exam at Specsavers today from just $99, including an OCT scan. Book at Spexsavers.cavers.cairts. Prices may vary by location. Visit specksavers.cavers.cai to learn more. Hi, listeners ears. Steve here. I'd like to talk to your eyes for a minute, please. Eyes? I want you to know that I see you, and I know that every day you go through a lot, like squinting at screens or squinting in the bright sun. Anyway, regular eye exams are very

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Hey, pretty good, fast talking, Steve. Thanks, normal talking, Steve. You were good, too. Hey, Ottawa, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? This comic embodies that old saying, many comedians are called, but Pew are chosen. It's Ottawa's Rob Pugh. Let's get them out here.

Looking confident, as always. Good to see you, Steve. Good to see you, brother. and this comic swore that they'd either find a new way to color their hair or they'd try dying. It's the answer. Debaters, your topic is one that we think deserves a sporting chance. Is playing sports the best way to meet people? Hmm.

I met my wife Nancy back when she was organizing a charity golf tournament that I was performing comedy at. Sure, I may not have been playing golf there, but impressing her sure felt like a I was. My first pickup line was subpar. But she graciously granted me a mulligan, and then she let me chip away until I became club champion of her heart. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That almost made me vomit in my mouth. Time now to debate this topic in a fair way. So, whereas it offers a stress-free and low-pressure environment to have fun while socializing, be it resolved that playing sports is the best way to meet people. Rob, you're arguing for this, my friend.

You have two minutes, starting now, Rob Pugh. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, I love me some beer league hockey. All right. Every winter in Canada is quite common for a fellow to get a phone call from a guy who knew another guy

who gave them your number to ask you if you feel like playing defense this Thursday night at 11.30 p.m. Your next day, be damned. And I love it. Nothing builds camaraderie like a group of out-of-shape adults cramming themselves into gear that smells like a goat dyed in it. Even golf, which on the surface looks like an isolationist dream,

is a fantastic way to meet new pals. You know, if you've ever shown up to the course solo, you're going to get paired up with three people you've never met before, know nothing about, and by the end of the round, you know that Kyle only golfs to get out of the house. Dave loves and coincidentally looks fabulous and sea foam green golf pants. And Darrell, more often than not,

puts from the rough. For the record, that's more than most men ever find out about each other. Of course, it's not as thrilling as walking up to someone at the grocery store and asking them what kind of cereal they'd like tomorrow morning while massaging a spaghetti swash.

But it does have the advantage of not saddling you with a stocking charge in the produce section. Thank you. Rob, cute. Right at it. Thanks, Rob. Now, here to tell us why the only type of exercise they do

is exercising their right to never socialize through sports. Let's hear from the one and only, Deanne Smith. Playing sports is not the best way to meet people. From experience, I played sports, and there was barely a sense of community. We didn't talk or go out for drinks after a game. we didn't even know each other's last names, and they were printed on our backs.

Sure, we were four-year-olds in a t-ball league. No one could read. But still, it was difficult to bond as a team when kids picked flowers in the outfield and cried because they didn't want to hit the balls and hurt them. That last one may have been me. And just quickly for the record,

today, I do not have a problem with the idea of hitting balls. As long as it's consensual and negotiated beforehand. I don't want to accidentally shame any CBC listeners. A notoriously perverted bunch. Sports are undeniably dangerous. Every sport has a potential. financially horrible outcome so common, it's practically cliche.

Football, head injury. Soccer, ACL tears. And I don't even have to tell you about the dangers of a sport like MMA. You could end up with brain damage or worse, listening to Joe Rogan. Sports is not even in the top five best ways to meet people. There's work, school, online, online, your preferred place of worship. Mine's a WNBA game. And watch this. Hi, I'm Dianne. What's your name?

Leslie. It's nice to meet you, Leslie, at a debaters taping in Ottawa. It's easy. I rest my case. Thank you. Yeah. Deanne Smith. All right, debaters. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether playing sports is the best way to meet people. So since this is a referendum on socializing through sports, you can create quite a racket as you go around robin points from your opponent. So, time to take your shots, starting now. Okay, I would just like to quickly poll the crowd. I'd like to hear a shout from those of you who have friends today

that you met playing sports. Give a shout. You've met your friends going forth? Thank you. Can I have a shout from people who met their friends today doing literally anything else? I don't know, Rob. Excellent. Well, we'll just stick with the polling, I guess. Since debate is considered a sport in an academic decathlon, you guys all met at a sporting event. God damn! So let's just flip that little doozy on it, it's here.

Okay, okay. Socializing or watching. I think watching sports is fun. I don't want to play sports. I'm in my 40s. The only thing I want to play is some white noise so I can have a quiet nap. Oh, sorry, Rob, just threw a flag on the play. Okay, he's throwing a flag.

Stoweck on the stage. You're calling my ability to read the debate topic, napped. You're obviously dumb. You're calling me dumb. I don't like. It's a 10-yard penalty. I mean, okay.

Honestly, we're talking about meeting people playing sports. I don't even want to meet. people. Like, I feel like I know enough people and half of them get on my nerves, you know? I mean, you make a good point there. I just, I think with sports, how else do you get rid of your kids? Every one of you that's got a kid wants them to run around and get hurt. So you send them to sports to make friends and eat orange snacks and drink Gatorades and talk about the time they had. Right? You'd come home from playing the piano. No one's like, hurrah, you got hot cross buns. Okay. Well, stop the bare knuckle around in there.

Yeah. Time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on meeting people through playing sports. Brought to you by rowing teams. Rowing teams. When trying to meet someone while in a boat, don't be a coxin, bloxon. Look it up. What's that? It's great. I love Rowling. Thank you. I like it.

That's my favorite heckler. I enjoyed that. See how easy it is to meet people? It's the greatest. It's the greatest. Just shout out. That was the greatest. The Ottawa Sport and Social Club

considers itself what for adults? Rob. An alibi for cheating adults. Those who supported that one that came here with someone that doesn't play sports with them. One point. Deanne Smith.

Mine's similar. I said an excuse to drink away from the kids. Yeah. Also true. Well, Rob's giving you a point on that one. That's nice. Nice to see support. The Ottawa Sport and Social Club considers itself recess for adults. We also would have accepted proof of life for civil servants.

What is the rhyming two-word name of Ottawa's all-inclusive recreational swim club? Rob. The French stench. Oh, Deanne, if Deanne's throw a flag on the play, back. I like that one, actually. Two points. Not bad. French stench. I like it.

Deanne Smith. The Rideau Swim Tuxedo. It's like a swimsuit, but fancier. I don't even think you know how close you are. The actual answer is the Rito Spitos. Give me the official point. The Rito Speedos. We also would have accepted the Manatech banana sticks.

That's the firing line, everybody. Almost time for scintillating center-point theater audience to vote. But first, here again to tell us that whoever told you that you need to play sports to socialize has told you a bunch of social lies. Let's hear again from Deanne Smith. Forget sports. For a lasting bond, like the one I have with my friend to Neil, do this. Drink at an art museum.

Talk to a beautiful girl. Make out inside a boat sculpture. Get matching tattoos. Then pay for a taxi on your work credit card to see the sunrise over a waterfall an hour away. That's the best way to meet someone. And not just someone. Because of that night, I met Teneal.

Pete the tattooist, Mike the taxi driver, a museum security officer, and a very upset accountant at work. Some years later, I met a therapist who helped me meet a psychologist, who helped me meet Adderall for an impulsive ADHD diagnosis. Yeah.

And I wouldn't have met any of them playing T-ball. I rest my case. All right. Diane Smith, with a closing argument that didn't seem hypothetical. Thank you. Thank you, Diane. for sharing. All right, now reminding us that playing sports, you'll always score big if your goal is to meet people.

Let's hear again from people meter Rob Pugh. Hi, I'm Rob Pugh, the people meter. Sports. Sports is the ultimate way to meet people. That's why we called it ultimate. We substituted a ball for a frisbee, and now, ultimately, anyone can play. And I do. I hear you. It may not offer the same fulfillment as, say, logging into Facebook and doom-scrolling through endless political memes. But quite often after sports, we get snacks and sit around with all of our new and old friends talking about the great day we just had. So maybe get out of your basement, join a team, meet some folks the old-fashioned way, face-to-face, play some sports.

Thank you. Rob Pugh, with a personal argument on behalf of playing sports with other persons. It is time now for our Center Point Theater audience to vote. By applause, who wants to be on Team Rob because he's such a good sport in all this. Rob Pugh! He's got a blue flag. He feels like he scored a touchdown. And who preferred Dianne scoring a touchdown with their put-down of meeting people through sports?

Deanne Smith. This Ottawa crowd has spoken, and they do not think you need to meet people through sports. The winner is Deanne Smith. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying when you make mistakes. Here's hoping your special someone is a good sport about it. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night.

The debaters is created by Richard Side. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Calendar, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perela and Pascal Gjobin. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphreys, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts.

And thanks to everyone at the Meridian Theatre's at Centerpoint in Ottawa. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.ca.