The Debaters - Is wireless better than wired? And do you actually need a driver’s license?

Episode Date: September 18, 2025

We’re deciding if Bluetooth just makes you blue, and if everyone should be driven to get a driver’s license.Featuring: Arthur Simeon, Matt Falk, Jackie Pirico, and Derek Edwards.

It is a fact at this point. Toronto audiences just know what's up. We often predict which new movies will end up becoming mega hits. We built the buzz for movies like The Princess Bride and Slumdung Millionaire. Both of those movies were initially underestimated. And we know that the TIF People's Choice Award is a great predictor for the Oscars. So this year, you know that you should be betting on Hamnet from director Chloe Zhao. So even if you miss the Toronto International Film Festival this year, you can catch it with commotion and me, Alameen, Abdu Mahmoud, on our special series, TIF and 12.

Find commotion wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. Hey, Canada, this is no time to cool your jets. From the home of the Winnipeg Jets, it's the debaters. The debaters where comedians fight with facts and funny in this audience takes the winner. Now here's a man whose comedy is always a blast, Steve Batterson. Hey, thanks, Graham. Hello, Canada.

Welcome back to the debater. We are here back where it all started and beautiful Winnipeg, Manitoba. Yes. A city that is home to many sports teams. One team that I just learned about is the Canadian elite basketball. league's Winnipeg Sea Bears.

Yeah. It's about time that we've had a basketball league of our own in Canada considering that a Canadian invented the sport. And I know that because of a Canadian heritage moment. It's important to note that it is sea bears as in a body of water, not as in all of our A and B-level bears have joined the NBA. The C, you know, the C, you know, the thing Winnipeg is so famous for.

Time now to meet two debaters who are always a slam dunk in our books. This comic was immediately out of his depth after he once entered a sports betting pool. It's Toronto's Arthur Simeon. There he is. Arthur Simeon. And this comic once vacationed indoors by himself at an all-reclusive resort.

It's Winnipeg's Matt Falk. Come on out, Matt. There he is. The bearded Matt Fogg. Demeters, your topic is one that will send a clear signal to our audience. Wireless is it superior to wires? I guess I can see both sides of this debate,

since I'm a dad who witnessed both his daughters being born, still connected to their mother through life's first wire, the umbilical cord. They'd been perfectly happy with their mom, Nancy, being their chosen carrier for nine months. But the second the doctors made me cut the cord, I realized I was their new co-carrier. Turns out having two kids is still

cheaper than having a cell phone plan with Rogers. Time now for a debate that we think has a good plan. So, whereas it's a connection that provides us with more flexibility, requires less equipment, and offers a cleaner design, be it resolved, wireless, is superior to wired. Arthur, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Arthur Simeon.

Thank you. Wireless means untethered. It means freedom. Remember how much fun it was to talk to your teenage crush on the landline, surrounded by your entire family, your brother making fart noises in the background, while your mother loudly asks if your crush believes in Jesus. Is she Christian Arthur?

Wireless eliminated these awkward chats and replaced them with private awkward chats. Wireless technology has allowed for earpods. Put one of those babies in your ear, and you can talk to the voices in your head without the police getting involved. Or getting put in a conservatorship, okay? Wireless technology allows you to start your car from 10 meters out, which for most women is a great way to leave a dodgy first date. Wires, on the other hand, are the preferred accessory for serial killers. Airlines will sell you wired airphones which always stop working mid-flight

and are always left behind and forgotten like your dreams of being in business class. Power lines are wires and wires that happen to be the number one cause of forest fires and destruction your love for wires is ruining the planet mad wireless allows for multitasking you can cook clean and have a mimosa all the while talking to your boss on a conference call every woman in this room does the same thing

at the end of each workday. You rip that wired bra off and you free the hostages. You have been dying to be wireless all day. Thank you very much. Arthur Simeon. Wow. On behalf of being wireless

now, charged, with explaining the current state of affairs of being all wired up. Let's hear from Matt Funk. It's April 2, 1973. You enter your tastefully decorated home with wall-to-wall shag carpeting. Your wife says, telephone call from a Mr. Dernsey, and you say, tell them I'm not here. Tell him, I'm not here.

A lie so universally accepted, it might as well be the truth. But the very next day, April 3rd, 1973, that all changed with the invention of the first cellular telephone. Thus began a slow but persia. persistent progression from, oh, I guess I'll call back later, to, oh, I'll try him on his cell, to, hey, Matt, I texted you nine times last night.

Why didn't you reply? Enough is enough! Everyone knows that everyone has a cell phone. We're too accessible. Oh, with wireless, we're more connected than ever. Yeah, so are prisoners all tied to the same chair. The wire, the wire, it was the last line of defense against a constant barrage of intrusion.

It was the hoarse hair thread holding up the sword of Damocles dangling over the last vestiges of our solitude. I mean, plus, with landline phones, you'd see how many times you could wrap the cord around your finger. Yeah. Now, now I have no outlet for my near constant bubbling anxiety. So I'm just walking around my house, just breaking pencils.

The first call ever made on a cell phone was made by Martin Cooper. Cooper. Cooper made the call to his rival, Joel Engel, head of AT&T-owned Bell Labs, gloating that he was calling from a portable cellular phone. So from the very beginning, it was used to be an absolute dirtbag. Thank you. Matt Falk, everybody. Yeah. Yes. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating wireless versus wired. So if you two cable-bodied individuals are wondering, why are we here,

it's because you have a data with destiny. But whoever wins, I'm going home with 5G in my pocket. It's time to plug in, starting now. I don't know. Here's the thing. We had wired headphones, right? And those were fine, but now we got to pay 12 times the price for wireless earbuds. And yes, it's true that they're only three times the price, but I've already lost four pairs.

So it adds up. That's not a wireless problem, though. That's a mad problem, though. Okay? Okay? Wired was allowing to be immature. Wireless is allowing you to learn the value of money and take it. and taking care of your things, okay?

No. So basically, wireless is allowing you to grow up, Matt. Okay. Look at the beard. I'm growing up, okay? I mean, I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I'm just saying, I'm just, Kate, think about this, Arthur. Dial up.

It was so slow that you'd lose steam halfway through writing that hateful rant on your neighbor's profile page. I, for one, don't like that. I don't like that, okay? I want the hate to travel faster. Do you understand? Yeah. I want someone half across the world

who's never met me, knows nothing about my life, to humble me by calling me dumb, okay? Because that's what the world needs right now. All of you are getting out of hand, and we need more strangers telling each other hateful things, okay? Wireless allows for that. Do you understand?

Call me old-fashioned, Arthur. Uh-huh. But I believe that if you really... I really hate someone who want to call them dumb. You send a carrier pigeon. Okay? Now, don't scoff because that way you get to message across and they take a dump on their car.

And you know what a carrier pigeon is, Matt? Wireless. I think that's probably a good place to stop it. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. All right, debaters. Time now for the firing line. the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on wireless versus wired, brought to you by the whimsical warnings for high-voltage hydroworkers.

Wire, wire, pants on fire. TechRadar.com says you should buy a wireless keyboard if you're what. Arthur. Cool. That's not what I have here. Matt. Not so hung up on all. all the letters making it to the computer.

That was good. That was good, too. I'll give you two points for that. You should buy a wireless keyboard if you're not worried about spending more for worse performance. TechRadar.com is for sure written by like a spiteful teenager. The suspenseful teenager. The 24 short film, Wired, is about a woman whose AI Smart Hub tries to convince her that what?

Matt Falk. Tried to convince her that Katie Perry was a real astronaut. All right. All right. That's one point for Matt. The short film, Wired, is about a woman whose AI Smart Hub tries to convince her that she's not well enough to leave the house. According to the CNET.com article, Wireless versus Wired Headphones, which is better,

what's one feature that wireless headphones are more likely to offer? Matt. Falling in the toilet. That's a good answer. Twice. Twice. That's a good answer, buddy. One feature that wireless headphones.

are more likely to offer is noise cancellation. Yeah. What widely used wireless technology is named after a 10th century Viking king who connected kingdoms? Arthur. Sebastian Wi-Fi Sigurdsen. That's just his middle name was Wi-Fi.

Okay, I didn't know that, one point. Matt? Eric the Reddit. that's pretty good one and a half point Eric the Reddit the actual answer is Bluetooth

it was named after King Harold Bluetooth Gormson who had a dead blue tooth that's the firing line everybody yeah

it's almost time for our Jubilee Place theater audience to place their votes but first here once again with his daring high-wired act.

Let's hear again from Matt Volk. Wireless phones are destructive, addictive, and now easy to carry in your pocket. It's the modern-day version of a flask. Up until recently, recently, kids were allowed to have cell phones in class. Are you kidding me? When I was in school, we weren't allowed to have hats.

Wires are good. Consider Ethernet. And no, Ethernet is not just what Internet sounds like if your tongue gets stung by a bee. It is a wired connection that is faster and more reliable than Wi-Fi. Ba-bye! Buffering! Wires stop evil! If we still...

Stick with me, I'll prove it. Think about it. If we still had wires, the farthest to Tesla could drive would be the length of an extension cord. Yeah. In the words of HBO crime drama fans everywhere, bring back the wire. Thank you. Nice.

Matt Falk, yeah. Strong closer, my friend. Strong closing argument by Matt Falk on behalf of wires. But now, here to explain his hands-off approach to the wired world. Let's hear from himself wireless. Arthur Simeon. Wireless was the birth of fun. You can now take a speaker to the beach

and play your favorite tunes as you get sun stuck in places music can't reach. But alternatively, you can get your headphone wires tangled in the doorknob and have your neck yanked back so brutally you have to wear a brace for the rest of your life. I guess that could be fun as well. Have you ever even successfully untungled a pair of wired airphones?

How many of you in this room have missed work, your first wedding, or the birth of your child trying to do this? We got rid of polio, the plague, measles, and the consumption, and some of you have decided to bring them back for what? Sentimentality? Boredom? No, no, no, no, no. Wires, like those diseases were a thing of the past, and we should live them there.

Thank you very much. Wow. Arthur Simeon, yeah. Arthur Simeon says no to wires. Matt Falk loves wires. Let's see what the audience has decided. It's time to vote. By applause, who agreed with Arthur

that when it comes to being wired, less is more. Arthur Simeon. Woo! That's great. That's a lot of love for Arthur. All right. And who liked the way that Matt really plugged

the idea of being wired? Matt Fogg. Very close. It is very close. It's a tie. It is in concurrency. Big hand for Arthur Simeon and Matt Fulke, everybody. Hey, debaters, listeners, we've got more facts and funny coming your way.

But while you're here, why not drop us a five-star rating or review? It really helps new listeners find us. Thanks for your support. Hey, we're the Adam Wild and Jack show. You can find us wherever we get your podcast every Wednesday in Jacks. We talk about what? Well, we're just two best pals talking about pop culture, dating, and also exposing each other's deepest, darkest secrets. And if you've ever been ghosted, we have a little segment called Left on Red.

We'll recall the person who ghosted you and say, hey, why did you do that? And usually it leads to some pretty embarrassing and explosive things. Yeah, so check out the Adam Wild and Jack show available every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Winnipec, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that crowd, Canada. This comic's shirt had more wrinkles than her partners, but they ironed out their differences. It's Toronto's Jackie Pirico. Jackie Pirico, hello.

Welcome, Jackie. Thank you. And this comic was offered. free lunchmeat over the phone, but it turned out to be a spam call. It's Timmons, Ontario's Derek Edwards! Derek Edwards! Finally, we've got him back on. Derek taking his position over to my right. All right, debaters, your topic is one that'll put you to the test. A driver's license. Do you really need one? I'm looking forward to this debate as part of a long line of Patterson boys who all got their driver's licenses on the day we turned 16.

One of my brothers, Larry, even became a professional race car driver. True story. The first indication he might become a professional driver was when he parallel parked for my mom when he was 10 years old. And the second was when the driving instructor sprayed him with champagne after he passed all the other traffic during his test in Montreal. That's not true. It was a bottle of Molson Export. Time now for a debate that has a license to thrill. So, whereas there are more alternatives to driving than ever

that are better for the environment, lower in costs, and overall less stressful, be it resolved that you don't need a driver's license. Jackie, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes starting now. Jackie Pirico. Thank you. Thank you. Now, just before I begin, I do have something to say directly to my opponent.

Thank you for the ride here today, Derek. Now, take it from someone with no license. Not driving is actually quite brave, really, when you think about it. It makes me the black sheep of my family. And yet I forge ahead on my own path, obviously on foot. My whole family, they don't just drive. They are all, like, motorhead, like speed demons. My mom drives a very powerful Mustang.

My dad restores vintage muscle cars, and my brother not only drives. He is a commercial jet pilot, and he's flying Boeing 767s in the sky above my head while I'm down here on the bus, like, driver, back door, driver, back door, please, driver, driver, driver. The back door, the back door. That takes grit. And taking transit, it keeps you humble, it keeps you humble and grounded.

For example, one particular bus driver on my commute loves to pull the bus up to the stop and see just me standing there, and he loves to do this. Lowers the bus just for me. Yes, I'm 4-Eleven, but I can manage. Conveniently, my love language is getting a lift. And believe me, as a chronic lifelong passenger, you can get a lot of the same great driving experiences

from the passenger seat. Some people are backseat drivers. I take it a bit further. I'm a backseat road rager. Recently, I was in an Uber, and we got caught behind this giant no frills, like transport truck, trying to take a tight turn, failing,

taking it again, backing up, e, e, e, trying again, failing, backing up traffic for eight. and miles were sitting there forever. You better believe, just like a driver, my head is out that window. You can fit a tank through there for Christ's sake. And I said, there better not be any friggin' frills in that truck.

So you see, you don't need a driver's license to be mentally ill on the road. Thank you. All right. Jackie Pirico says you don't need a driver's license. Thank you, Jackie. Now, here to pull a fast U-turn and argue in favor of requiring a driver's license, it's the one and only Derek Edwards.

You need a license if you're from a small town. It's like a lottery ticket or a dream catcher. One day, you'll get out of there. Borrow your folks' car. car, take your best gal to the movies or your buddies out to a campsite for the May Long. This isn't about the environment, it's about hope. It's different for city people. My boys each approaching 30 now taking steps to learn to drive because guess what? Time to grow up. But make no mistake, your license is the perfect idea.

accepted everywhere, slips right back into your wallet. My eldest was lined up to get into a strip club in Montreal. Had to walk up to this door goon holding out his passport. Ooh, right away, Mr. Bond. Get this man's table set up immediately. He may have to fly off to Prague at any moment. fellas need a license because women give birth so they get this free ride but no license your wife's water breaks what are you gonna do hold her hand public transit's a

no-go you don't even want to call Uber with all her bellyache and your ratings are going to go right down the toilet My dear sweet mum would drive you, but she's a terrible driver. Back home or on the main drag, she slams on the brakes, er, the button store. I thought they were closed down, but right here. She stopped the car to follow a thought. Who's that guy's last name? Hasselhoff.

So you don't have to be great, Jackie. You just have to try. Thank you. Derek Edwards, on why everyone needs a driver's license with some stories that are definitely not just made up. And you made some great points that I think make up for the points

where you alienated the audience. So we're doing all right here. We're doing all right. We got ourselves a debate. Time now for the bare knuckle round. We're debating whether you actually need a driver's license. So before you get the wrong ID, put yourself in the driver's seat.

and make this audience seat belt out some laughter. This is where the rubber meets the road, so stay in your lane and remember, nothing certain but death and taxis. Try to be Uber funny, starting now. Derek, you mentioned that you need a license to drive in a small town. I'm living proof, that is not true. The small town that I grew up in was perfect for hitchhiking,

and you know what's cheaper than fuel and insurance? Ask cash or grass. All right. I mean, I've already lost. Why would she ever need a license? The towel has hit the ground. But I guess to fake through a skirt. crap here. But your comment, everybody will agree. Half the job, you've got to show four hours

away through a snowstorm. Half the job is getting there. You owe half the wages who ever made to some guy who drove you there. This is frustrated to deal with non-drivers. You ever get directions from a non-driver? Okay, just up here, just turn right. Oh, wait, left. Yeah, well, I can't turn left. I want to just signal left. Yeah. I'm going to drive through this van right into a jail cell. Derek, you had a great point

about the free ride when your water breaks. And now I'm thinking about getting my IUD removed because there is this outlet mall that I've been dying to check out and it's right on the way to the hospital. I think that's a good place to stop it.

That's the bare knuckle round. I like to end in moments of honesty sometimes. It is time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on not needing a driver's license brought to you by ice cream truck driver's license. A license to chill. A 2024 USA Today article says

members of Gen Z are less likely to have a driver's license for reasons such as driving anxiety, having access to other forms of transportation, and what else? Derek. Lazy bastard. syndrome. Not what I have here, but

the audience has given you three points. Jackie? If I've learned anything from my niece, could it be because driving is cringe? I don't know what that means, but one point. Members of Gen Z are less likely to have a driver's license because of driving anxiety, having access to other forms of transportation, and increased

access to technology. I think it means that it's pretty easy to find a ride and have access to community. It is. Manitoba Public Insurance says that residents who don't have a driver's license can do what? Derek. Walk. Jackie Pirico. Cry about it?

Worth a shot. Manitoba Public Insurance says residents who don't have a driver's license can apply for a Manitoba identification card. Wow. It's like a passport to nowhere. That is the firing line, everybody. This is not me. I don't know why I say this.

It is just about time for our Jubilee Place Theater audience to place their votes. But first, here again, taking a backseat to no one when it comes to us needing a driver's license. Let's hear again from one of Comedy's great drivers, Derek Edwards. I like driving. You see me on the highway, leaning into the curves.

It's one of the things I can do. I learn to read. I learn to drive. That's my list. Well, see, you ever feel down about yourself? Making dumb decisions? Take a drive. Your self-esteem,

self-esteem will explode with confidence. Mock people you don't know. At least I'm not driving that bad. Sometimes you watch driving so bad, you actually have to see. You'll contort your car, two wheels on the shoulder, just to look into the face of stupid. It's an adventure, my friend, and you're missing out. Thank you. Derek Edwards might have driven this one home with that closing argument on why you need a driver's license now here with a moving monologue to transport the audience to a licenseless land. Let's hear again from Jackie Pirico.

Another perk of not driving, nobody's breathing down my neck for my organs. It's quite relaxing. My mom's organ donor card, every organ checked off. Tick, tick, tick, tick. That's classic mom, isn't it? They're always trying to unload all their crap on everyone. Classic mom. But even her eyeballs.

She even has her eyeballs checked off, which I'm like, something happened and someone got her eyeballs in a transplant. I gotta wonder, would that person also think that pastels wash me out? Some people's organs shouldn't be donored. But they do really put you drivers on the spot, though, don't they? They're like, here's your license, and, hey, come here, if anything happens to go pear-shaped for you out there on the road,

you don't mind if we help ourselves to a few of your head. Easy now. I think I'll be sticking to the bus. Thank you. Jackie Pirico. She doesn't think you need a driver's license. Derek Edward does.

Let's see what this crowd has picked. It's time to vote. By applause, who loved listening to Jackie's lack of license, lament. Jackie Pirico! Woo! A lot of support. That's good support for Jackie.

And who appreciated Derek's drive and thought that he steered you right? Derek Edwards! Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. It was a well-fought debate, but this crowd wants to drive it home. The winner is Derek Edwards. Go and get your license, everybody.

Big hand for Derek Edwards and Jackie Pirico. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson, saying if you're a driver, please drive responsibly. And if you're a passenger, please don't act like you're driving. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark.

With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Pirella, May MacKillop, and Lloyd Peterson. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphreys, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Jubilee Place Theatre and the Winnipegues. comedy festival.