The Debaters - Today's debates! Should Americans move to the Maritimes? And does going to the dentist rule?

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

We debate if Americans should relocate to Canada’s East Coast, and whether a trip to the dentist is anything to smile about.Featuring: Jay Malone, Nikki Payne, Mayce Galoni, and Matt Wright.(Originally recorded in September 2017)

Hi, Steve here. You know, one of the best parts about this job is getting to visit fun places, like Newfoundland and Labrador. My family and I go out there every summer for shows that I do, and we like to stay in Airbnbs, because while it's nice to come from away, it's even nicer living like a local. Where people don't fish for compliments, they just fish and say things like, long may your big jib draw, which is nice to hear because I'm very proud of my oversized jib. Honestly, the only thing that could top a fantastic trip out east, as far as I'm concerned, is earning money from our home while we're away by hosting as an Airbnb. Hosting on Airbnb is a practical thing to do,

and you can use the extra money for your next trip to Newfoundland and Labrador and beyond. So give hosting on Airbnb a gander, and if it works out for you, you owe me a nice jigs dinner. That'll make sense once you've been out to Newfoundland and Labrador and beyond. So give hosting on Airbnb a gander. And if it works out for you, you owe me a nice jigs dinner. That'll make sense once you've been out to Newfoundland. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is a CBC Podcast. Hey, debaters listeners. We're bringing you a special presentation from the debaters' Fact and Funny hall of fame

Stay tuned for a classic episode airing for the first time since its original broadcast season Hey, Canada, are you ready for some ship disturbing from Halifax Nova Scotia, it's the debaters! The debaters where comedians fight the facts and funny and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's a hull of a good time, Steve Patterson. Hello Canada! Welcome back to the debaters! We're here in Halifax, Nova Scotia, which is the site of the first of many things, including the first divorce in Canada way back in 1750. True story. Not surprisingly, the cause of the divorce was money and sex.

The couple could only afford one monocle between them. And the wife told the man she wanted to see other people. All right. You ready to see a pair of debaters up close? What do you say, Al Vax? I'm gonna say yes. This comic always disagrees to agree to disagree. It's J Malone.

J Malone. J Malone. Kentville's own J Malone. That's what's on the sign. And this comic says a stranger is just a friend you're friends with on Facebook. Hey everybody, it's Nikki Payne. There she is, curtsing to the adoring crowd and taking her spot behind the lectern to

my right. This topic is one of those rare ones that actually might mean something. Your topic concerns Canada's Atlantic provinces. Should more Americans move here? This is... let's go through the debate first, all right? Good luck, Jay! This... This debate was inspired by a man in Cape Breton who built a website inviting Americans

to move there if Trump won. His publicity campaign has attracted so many visitors, certainly more than tourism Nova Scotia's campaign. I hate to be honest with you, the slogan is, if you only knew. That's the slogan for Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia, if you only knew. That's the slogan for Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia, if you only knew. Knew what? Knew how to write an advertising slogan?

Because if you do, tourism Nova Scotia should be hiring. In the meantime, we'll see if we can drum up some international attention with this debate. So, whereas Canada's East Coast is an oasis of peace and sanity in a chaotic world, be it resolved that Americans should move here. Jay, you have the enviable position of arguing for this. You have two minutes, starting now. First of all, I would like to thank you all, all you lovely people for coming.

I'd also like to thank the CBC and Steve Patterson personally for assuring me that he would stop Nikki from physically attacking me during this debate. But most of all, I would like to thank the United States of America for creating the necessary political and domestic conditions for us to steal their best and brightest. You see that's the critical point to consider here my fellow maritime-ers. We're talking about the elites, the highly skilled ones, the people currently under threat of getting punched in the face because they drink green tea and donate to PBS. This would be a boon to our culture, my friends.

They can teach us how to find breaking news 24 hours a day. At the very least, if we allowed Americans to come, we would finally be guaranteed high-speed internet because if there's one thing an American will not put up with, it's not having access to TMZ 24 hours a day. I yield the floor. Jay Malone, everybody. Jay Malone. All right.

Thank you, Jay. Now, we're going to have a little bit of a break. Jay Malone, everybody! Jay Malone! All right, thank you, Jay. Now, to tell us that she says no way to folks from the USA, it's maritime mischief maker Nikki Payne! I didn't choose the living of maritimes. This is just how far out of Toronto I had to go before I could afford a house. Global sea levels are rising faster than ever before. The word maritime means of the sea. The sea is everywhere here, just waiting to wash us away.

Another reason to not move here, the people. Some might call you all friendly. I call you nosy. Nature. It's everywhere. It's angry and it wants to kill us all. Blowing snow. It's not even snowing anymore. Yet the stuff that already fell is still trying to murder you. In 2015, statistics, statistics, Canada's number guys, reported that there were more deaths in the Maritimes than births. I'm not saying if you move here you're going to die.

No, that's exactly what I'm saying. Welcome to the Maritimes. Prepare to die! Nisky Bang, ladies and gentlemen! Nisky Bang! Debaters, it's time to take a gander at the Bare Knuckle Ram. We're debating if Americans should move to our East Coast, so please, no naval gazing as you pick toe to toe. We're debating if Americans should move to our East Coast, so please, no navel-gazing

as you pick toe-to-toe with a Frederick ton of jokes. Remember, do it schooner rather than later because this is after all verbal wharf fair All right, Jay we got practical things we got to figure out if we want your Americans to come all right Who's gonna teach the MSL classes? Excuse me. What is MSL Maritimer is a second language What is MSO? Maritimer is a second language. There's things they need to know. There's important phrases such as, what a sin.

Now no one's going to hell. They just feel sorry for you. Example, all those Americans move here and now, they're miserable. What a scene. I'm actually pretty sure Americans have no respect for the English language anyway. Okay, all right. You say we're all nosy. You've called us nosy to our face.

Who's more nosy than an American? I'm just wondering, wouldn't they fit right in? They're probably listening. The CIA is listening to us right now as we're talking. Right, right. But they're like high tech, right? We're like low tech nosy and it's like the slickest kind of nosy, right? It's like you go over to visit you know Marion right and then you come home and tell everyone about how dirty your teapot is oh what a sin we're sort of debating whether Americans should move to the Maritimes mostly we're witnessing the birth of a one-woman show

It is time now for the firing line in my hand I have a list of questions on Americans coming to Atlantic Canada brought to you by Halifax Halifax just an hour and a half flight from Boston and then another hour and a half car ride to Halifax! Halifax! Just an hour and a half flight from Boston, and then another hour and a half car ride to Halifax. According to MoneySense.com, where do people immigrating to the Maritimes get the best bang for their buck? Nikki? Edminton.

Nikki Edminton The audience has given you four and a half points for that one Not quite what I have here Jay want song are the best bang for your I would assume it would be our brothels Maritime brothels, if you only knew. Actual answer, Moncton, New Brunswick. Gives you your most bang for your buck. According to a recent survey, 72% of Newfoundlanders polled say they do not want to do what? Nikki. Go back to Fort Mac.

That is a six point answer from our audience. Incorrect though. Anyone else like to try? Jay Malone. I was going to say, get's the firing line everybody. Almost time for this fabulous Halifax theater audience to vote. But first, here again to tell us, she says no thanks to the Yanks. Here's another minute from Sheddiac resident, Nikki Payne. Slash healthcare, growing provincial debt, dwindling equalization payments. This is the future of any American who dares to move to the Maritimes.

And if that doesn't scare you, I've got two words that will. Old people. The Maritimes is crawling with senior citizens. They're everywhere. You can't escape them. Two of them followed me here today. Hi, Mom and Dad! Call the police.

Over the next two decades, Nova Scotia alone is expected to lose 20,000 people. They're leaving in droves. Why on earth would anyone encourage others to come? That's like seeing a bunch of people jumping off the Titanic and thinking, I bet you I could get that boat for cheap. Americans don't come. There's nothing here for you. That's what I tell everyone because I actually love living here, but I don't like to share. Nikki Payne. She says, don't come here, Americans. She doesn't think you'll like it. Thank you, Nicky.

Now, to tell us why he thinks it's time for more American Maritimers, here's former Californian and current Kentvillian, Jay Malone. Ding. Mm. In closing, ladies and gentlemen, I think we need to consider the long-term impacts of importing fresh American jeans. Obviously, we would eventually breed with them.

They're incredibly promiscuous. They invented sweatpants with the word juicy on the butt. You want to save the film and TV industry? Import Americans. sweatpants with the word juicy on the butt. You want to save the film and TV industry? Import Americans. They're all superstars, just ask them. So just point the cameras at them and watch the drama unfold. Real housewives of Shubinacacity anyone? You want to keep our tick epidemic under control? Bring in some Americans. Their

politicians are all parasites anyway they're used to getting their blood sucked. Anyway if there are any Americans here you can fire your gun in the air right now. I rest my case. Thank you. Jay Malone says bring it on, Americans come to Atlantic Canada to live. Nikki Payne says the opposite in several colorful illustrations. And now it is up to the audience to decide.

By applause, who here thinks Jay's pro-america musings merit the win Jay Malone And who thinks Nicky's anti-american visitor vitriol was victorious Nicky Oh, whoa, that, yeah! We call that an explosion of laughter. The winner is Nikki Payne. Don't come here to live, Americans. Big hand for Nikki Payne and Jay Malone, everybody. ["The Big Game"] Hey, debaters, listeners. There's no maritime like the present to follow our podcast.

You'll get early access to content and ensure you never miss an episode. And while you're there, we'd love a rating or review. It really helps new listeners find us. I'm Terry O'Reilly and I host a podcast about marketing. But my passion is The Beatles. In our newest podcast entitled The Beetleology Interviews, I get to talk to people who work with The Beatles and people who knew and loved The Beatles. The list of people I talk to is surprising and their stories are fascinating.

The Beetleology Interviews. Subscribe now. Hey Halifax, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? This comic knows two wrongs don't make a right. It's Matt Wright. Matt Wright. Coming to the stage. There he is. Making his way in. If you don't know two wrongs don't make a right, it's Matt Wright. Matt Wright. Coming to the stage, there he is.

Making his way in. Making his way to my left looking dapper as always. And we relish the fact that this guy cuts the mustard. It's Mace Galoney. Mace Galoney. Making his way to the left, turn to my right, getting set up. Your topic, gentlemen, is a good one for anyone who has teeth. Your topic is going to the dentist.

Is it something to look forward to? These days, dentist offices are full of high-tech equipment, but people used to get their teeth pulled by tying a string to their tooth, the other end to a doorknob, and then slamming the door. True story. At my house, we had the double doors experience where my dad would use the kitchen door and would also crank up the doors on the hi-fi so that he wouldn't hear me scream. And to this day, I can't listen to riders on the storm without asking whoever's with

me to punch me in the mouth. Anyway, I'm aching to start this debate. So whereas unhealthy teeth and gums cause pain and suffering, be it resolved that a trip to the dentist is something to look forward to. Mace, you're arguing for this please. You have two minutes, starting now. Well, listen, I know that going to the dentist can be unpleasant for a lot of people, from the pain to the invasive personal questions I ask my dentist. But it does so much good for us that we should look forward to it.

Like going to the dentist lets you keep your teeth. Have you ever talked to a guy that's missing teeth and think, what a charming man. I trust this guy. If you lose your teeth, all you can do is eat applesauce and go to Kid Rock concerts. And even if you dress yourself up in a fancy suit, if you're missing teeth you just look like you're about to go to court for something you for sure did. Plus dentists are cool.

Dentists are responsible for giving your favorite gangster rapper his grill. And listen, I mean that. I'm not just pandering to the average rap-loving CBC listener, all right? At some point, Lil Wayne was like, I want to wear jewelry in my mouth, a totally reasonable request. And his dentist was like, all right, I guess I can do that. You need 17 fillings anyways. There is a lot of sugar in SysErp.

And also dentists don't just look after your teeth. They also make sure your gum health is good. And there's a direct link between gum health and heart health. And having good heart health improves many facets of your life including your ability to perform intercourse, to play sports, and most importantly to perform intercourse. So if you want to be a great lover with all your teeth go to the dentist. Thank you. Thanks, Colonie. Nice job, young man. Yeah.

Thank you, Mace. Now to tell us why for him a trip to the dentist is a bad trip, man. Here's Newfoundland funny man, Matt Wright. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think someone saying that they look forward to going to the dentist is probably the saddest thing I've ever heard. I think I imagine the rest of your itinerary is entirely getting spit on by teenagers. Also, the dentist doesn't need to make small talk with you, especially when he has a drill

in your mouth. I don't need small talk. I was going to take this opportunity to close my eyes and reflect on mistakes I've made in my past. Also, they're the only service that you go get that they criticize the job you've done at their job before they do their job. Every time I go in, they're always guilty to me like, oh, you haven't been flossing. Nobody I haven't been flossing.

That's why I'm here, so you can floss me. Do you understand if we all floss, you'd be out of work? And then they're just pounding the hell out of your mouth until your gums are bleeding, and they're like, ooh, don't your teeth feel clean? What does that taste like? I'm like, blood. It tastes like my blood. You want me to floss? It tastes like my blood.

You want me to floss? You want me to take my own wisdom teeth out too? The surgeon doesn't yell at you if you don't do your pre-op before you go to surgery. Your hairdresser doesn't yell at you if you don't trim your own bangs before you get a haircut. Steve Patterson doesn't yell at you if you come on The Debaters without a third example prepared. To hell with the dentists. Thanks a lot, everybody.

Matt Wright! Matt Wright! As against trips to the dentist, I would have liked one more example, but I thought it was pretty good. And it's time now for the firing line. In my hand I have a list of questions on dentists brought to you by Polygrip. Polygrip, the best pace to keep your parrot on its perch. A Sumerian text dating back to 5000 BC says tooth decay is caused by what? Matt. Obama care. Also, who are the Sumerians and how are they texting 5,000 years ago?

That's a good point. I will give you two points for that. Anyone else like to try? Not using Listerine total care. You guys have been watching a lot of commercials. I like it. It's caused by tooth worms. Tooth worms.

I mean, I don't know if you know any Sumerians. Neither do I. So they weren't right about everything. When it comes to Canadian dentistry, Saskatchewan ranks highest in terms of what? Mace. pressed wheat strips. Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. That was well done. 17 points. Nice job. Can we repeat the question, please?

When it comes to Canadian dentistry, Saskatchewan ranks highest in terms of what? Getting root canals because there's nothing else to do. Chew on that, Saskatchewan! I'll give you a couple points for that. The actual answer is Saskatchewan ranks highest in terms of dentist wages. True story. That's the firing line everybody. Alright.

It's almost time for our amazing Rebecca Cohen theater audience to pick a winner. But first, here again to tell us why he's down on dentistry, it's the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth from Matt Wright. Thank you. Going to the dentist is for children. I haven't been to the dentist in a decade and I'm fine. And I'm an adult. The other day I was drinking a coffee,

adult beverage and a piece of my tooth fell out and I just spit it out like an adult. What are you gonna do? Scrape some plaque off my teeth? Cool, I'm still going to die one day. And if my teeth fall out, who cares? This is Canada, people will just assume I play hockey. Here's my closing argument.

You know how I know that no one looks forward to going to the dentist? The dentist doesn't look forward to going to the dentist. Dentists have the highest suicide rates of any job in the world. It's like, come on, let comedians have something. You ever see those commercials that are like, oh, four out of five dentists recommend Colgate. Well, guess what? The fifth one agrees too.

He's just too sad to talk. Thank you, the radio. Matt Wright. Matt Wright is down on Debt-to-Stream. And that was just beautiful. Thank you, Matt. Now, here again to tell us that he doesn't need laughing gas to have a good time at the dentist, it's funny flosser, Mace Coloni.

Thank you. flosser, Mace Galoni. Thank you. So many third world countries don't even have access to dental care. Imagine if they heard Matt complaining about going to the dentist. It would sound like the whitest of privilege. Like complaining that there's not enough perrier in your helicopter or that the maid in your summer home keeps moving your fidget spinners. You might as well just spit directly into their faces, Matt. Probably with a mouth full of gingivitis, to be honest. We have to look forward to going to the dentist. Besides being the most acceptable way

of doing drugs in a mini mall, it also makes you healthier, more attractive, and better at sex, all right? I'm not trying to say it should be your favorite thing in the world, I'm just stating the obvious. That a vote for me is a vote for not spitting in poor people's faces. Thank you.

Mace Galoney. He says we should all enjoy trips to the dentist. It's the best way of doing drugs in a mini mall. That should be on every dentist billboard. Audience, it is up to you to pick a winner by applause who thinks that Mace's dentist defense destroyed in this debate, Mace Galoney. Woo! Woo-hoo!

Big response. And who thinks Matt was molar less a winner? Matt Wright. It's very close. It is very close. Excellent arguments on both sides, but we're going to give this one to Mace and the dentist. Look forward to going. Matt, you're going to give this one to Mace and the dentist.

Look forward to going. Big hand for Mace Galoni and Matt Wright, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to my dentist, thanks for keeping my teeth radio worthy. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night! I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night! Yeah! Graham Clark, Josh Bailey, Philip Ditchburn and Tracy Rideout. The technical production by Jeff Doan and Kenny MacDonald. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Rebecca Cohen Auditorium in Halifax. For more CBC podcasts go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.