The Debrief - Always Attached | The Debrief Podcast

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Welcome back to “The Debrief” This week we are talking all things attachment! We delve into different attachment styles alongside your juicy dilemmas! As always don’t forget to email us: [e-mail] or give us a DM @the.debriefpodcast Have an amazing week!Lots of Love,K+K xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

welcome to the tea breeze happy monday happy monday we're back here again in the studio live in the studio live in the studio actually imagine if we did do a live episode oh my god that would be quite scary that would be scary that would be really scary i think i'd be more on edge yes i would be for sure i think i'd go awkward again the times that casey goes awkward is when she meets new people yeah or when we have a guest on she's like all right it's fine to be you i'm like hello hi we're always like to Katie, it's so nice to meet you. I'm like, hello. Hi. We're always like to our guests, it's fine because it's not live, but imagine if we were that like, BBC Radio 2,

live with Kitty and Katie in the studio. Hi. Katie, how are you? Fine. Delightful. Delightful. I'm okay, thank you. I honestly think I'd be a terrible radio host,

mainly because of my potty mouth. Yeah. Yeah, me too me too you couldn't can you say like shit on the radio you can't say anything the best is when people swear i used to listen to radio one all the time sometimes they'd get live callers on and they'd win like glastonbury tickets and they'd be like that's fucking incredible and then they've got apologies to anyone for the profanities just expressed there. It's quite so funny. I've always loved it on. What's the one that, is it this morning with Alison Hammond, the Dermot Lyriot, they're like, say something. And they're like, oh, oh, sorry about that, Dermot. And I'm like, I love it.

It's so good. So good. Right, Pete, should we crack on? Tell me your mantra for this one. My mantra is I'm falling in love with my life. God, I thought you had something to use for me. Oh, you know I don't. No.

No. You know I don't. I don't. No. I am falling in love with my life. Yeah. Because I'm falling in love with my age. Lovely.

I'm just finding the joy in the everyday mundane. Oh, lovely. And I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the journey. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm like in a movie right now. I love when you get like little spurts of that being like, I actually f***ing be... Sorry for the profoundest sound.

I love my life. There's nothing better than being like, do you know what? I'm really happy. I'm vibing. Yeah, I'm vibing. Do you know what? I'm really happy. I'm vibing. Yeah, I'm vibing. Do you know what? I feel like I'm on the same wavelength

because I'm like, so am I. I love that. Mine this week is, I am the woman I look up to. That's a good one. That's a good one. Now, I was listening to the debrief episode

with the therapy when Arch was on. Yeah. And you know how we said on it, it's hard to judge yourself when you look at a younger photo of yourself. Yes. did this week not to judge myself but i was like looking through old photos and i was like god if that little girl saw me she'd be like god she's cool right it's cool right nails like rocking the vibe loving life great show on podcast yeah yeah so i was just like you know what be that woman you look up to i am the woman

honestly i love that that's really sweet yeah it's cute isn't it you win i do win mine is h-o-t-t-o-g-o you can take me home chapel row i love that song chapel row and i was literally saying Is that the one you were Talking to me about Just before we started recording I was saying Just before to get I have become Obsessed with Chapel Roan

I'm kind of obsessed With her songs Such a vibe Is this another like Let it linger That you never use here Right Because I feel like

Chapel Roan's been around For a while And I only saw her Like Coachella sets And then I was like Oh my god This girl is funky Yeah Like she's

really cool and her sound is really cool yeah it is very it's very like what's that some people say i look like my dad yeah hey hey you know that stuff i said hey boy sitting in the tree what's that band i couldn't tell you kind of like that band that was a rather yeah but they're like I honestly love her I think she's great

what is it how what is it spelled H-O-T-T-O-G-O hot to go oh because I was like hottie

H-O-T-T-O-G-O H-O-T-T-O-G-O and I listen to it when I'm walking down the street and I feel like people are cheering me on like cheerleaders going like H-O-T-T-O-G-O. And I listen to it when I'm walking down the street and I feel like people are cheering me on, like cheerleaders going like, H-O-T-T-O-G-O. I'm like, yes, that's me.

I love that. I love that. Yes, what's your song? My song for this week is... Bad pronunciation, thank you very much. My song is... And I ask myself again, what is it about men? What is it about men?

Amy Winehouse. If you couldn't get from that. Oh my God. I am still addicted since the movie. Yeah. And because we live in London, we see the red buses go by all the time. So I see Amy every single day.

And I'm telling you, the best song is What Is It About Men, Amy Winehouse. And I think it's like Strangers. Yeah. Are We Strangers? Yeah. Or We Are Strangers? is what is it about men Amy Whitehouse and I think it's like strangers are we strangers or we are strangers something like that those two I'm telling you listen to that

but she's like and I ask myself again what is it about men I'm like what is it guys what is it about men and she's so funny I think the strangest one or even in the what is... No, no, stronger.

That's the one. Stronger, not stranger. Stronger. You should be stronger than me. And she's like, and she's saying things like, I'm carrying this relationship. Like, what is going on here? You need to...

Literally, my... I love it. The thing that scratches, like like my brain is when she goes i just want to grip your body all the more i just love her songs i love every single bit so should we do the record recommendation what is it for this week, Peach? The recommendation. I've got one. Do you? Yeah, I do. So last weekend or the weekend before, I can't remember now,

I went to Twickenham, my first ever time in Twickenham. In the Twickenham. Twickenham. Twickenham. Yes. Do you say Twickenham? I say Twickenham. Twickenham.

Twickenham. Twickenham. Twickenham Station and Twickenham Stadium, that's the one. Yes, yep. And we saw the Army v Navy match now let me tell you girlies I'm a norm

like on the weekend get a nice outfit on go for a brunch and have a few drinks with my friends I'm not a rugby gal okay couldn't tell you

any of the rules I know there's an H on the field and they have to kick the ball through the H maybe that's a try. I don't know.

I don't know. Four points, six points. Who knows, eh? Who knows? Tell me. I'd love to know. Truly. But I had the best time.

Now, let me tell you, it was a full drinking thing. So we started at 10.30. Jesus. Before we arrived in the stadium, I had six drinks and I am a lightweight. Well, after one one you could have been done i could have been done yeah i was six it's crazy like bad i was sat in the seat yeah and i was sat there was probably like a group of 10 maybe more of us and then archie's parents were like sat near the box yeah so archie like pointed and said oh can you see my parents they're waving

i shit you not my eyes were glazing over i was like darling i can't even see my own hands can't see shit right now but i tell you guys the atmosphere at rugby mat is sensational it was just absolutely electric it was it was absolutely electric everyone was dressed up i was like oh all these different costumes love it was kind of like a catwalk i was like love love this shit. Fashion show. Fashion show indeed. Love it. I would say there were lots of toilets,

so I never had to queue for that long. So I'm telling girlies, give it a go. Okay, I love it. Give it a go. I'll be at the next rugby game. I'll be like, go rugby. You'll be like. As if I'm not there just for the sexy man.

Yeah, I know. I know. I love it. Right. Yes. Let's debrief. Right. Tell me.

So this week, we are talking all about attachment styles. So, because I didn't know either. Attachment styles is not just a relationship thing. This is the way in which you form attachments that usually come from your childhood. So the way in which you were raised

often influences or informs how you form relationships and attach to things as an adult. Now, when you say relationships, do you also mean friendships? Yes. Oh. Yes.

Okay, so not just sexual relationships. No, I think it's more more intense i think it's magnified in sexual relationships but in friendships as well like if you have a really clingy friend we'll find out what attachment style they are and it makes a lot of sense oh my god interesting so usually everyone falls into these four tropes okay so we're gonna go through we're gonna break down we're gonna dissect oh my god and then help you guys out if you're seeing someone and they're like fuck they're just so crazy i don't know what they are we'll find out what attachment style they are fantastic okay so

this attachment style is something that you have as an adult is that right yes and then how you like i i i assume even how you deal with day-to-day life even like yes work yes interactions as well as relationships yeah so how you attach to those kind of scenarios ah okay it all kind of links back to childhood to child everything does you know before we go on to us talking to my mum recently when we had brunch and we were saying how like peter things in our lives were because of things in our childhood and things because of my mum's childhood was because of her mum's childhood.

Yes. And how it literally goes on. And each generation, you fix something. So you're like, oh, well, we fixed that. But then because you fix that, something new comes along. Yes. Oh, my God. Because you're overcompensating for something.

Yes. So something else happens. And look, it's not always negative. It's just like repercussions of human, like humans are complicated. Oh, 100%. And the human mind is complicated. Yeah.

Anyway, okay, let's go into it. So let's dive in. So they break down into four. Okay. Four different ones. So the first is secure. We've got secure, avoidant,ant anxious and disorganized oh okay so the secure type yeah is defined as feeling safe and secure in early childhood interactions

love that's really nice yeah now if this is how you felt as a child this is how it's going to impact your relationships so people with secure attachment styles tend to navigate relationships very well they trust their partners and don't need reassurance from their partners yes signs can include if you have the attachment style of being very secure comfortable being alone so enjoying your own company trusting others easily good communication skills and emotionally available. I don't think I've ever met a man in a... Actually, no. Do you know what?

I would say probably Archie is the only person I've met that is secure. Yeah, yeah. I actually think the rest, crazy. Yeah. Whacker doodles. Like, I was even thinking to myself, like, obviously, I think we can dissect them one by one. And obviously, we haven't gone through the others. But without Toot and me and Trumper, I was thinking, I think we can dissect them one by one and obviously we

haven't gone through the others but without tootin me own trumpet I was thinking I think I'm quite secure yeah I think you are I loved my childhood yeah I absolutely loved it yeah like I look back and I'm like god my parents smashed it yeah I'm sure there are things behind closed doors that were there like oh but yeah I'm just like in my eyes they did everything right yeah and I enjoy my own so the fact this the signs okay let's talk about the signs yeah I love my own company if I'm being like I love it oh yeah I will really enjoy so say if so we live as a four yeah now maybe this isn't so secure but we'll say if you all went away for the weekend I'd be quite In the sense of, I'd craft call and I'd do stuff. I might go see other people, but I might as well just take myself off for days and that's fine.

If you were gone for weeks, I don't think I could. That's a different thing. But you enjoy your own company, don't you? I really enjoy my own company, but I wouldn't describe myself as a secure attachment. Oh, interesting. I think it depends. Well, even the bit where it said doesn't need reassurance from their partner that's not me actually because i do because i'm like is

is secure to the point where i'm like well i know i'm like i know myself and i know this so i if i've pissed you off you can tell me yeah instead of that i don't know where that line kind of draws where you're like comfortable and assured enough within your own feelings balanced with actually caring about the person and their emotions yeah i mean i completely get you you know what's funny though the reassurance from the partner thing i need reassurance from arch but not with our relationship whereas arch needs reassurance from me i was saying this to do with our relationship but he won't need reassurance with other things right so i'll go to do with our relationship, but he won't need reassurance with other things. Right.

So I'll go to him like saying, let's say it's a piece of work I've done. Yeah. Or an email I've written. Yeah, yeah. Or an interaction I've had with someone at work. I'll need reassurance that I did that all right. Yeah. And I'm like, that was a good way of doing that.

And he'll be like, yeah, you did the right thing. Okay, fine. I wouldn't go to him and be like, like, for example, Arch will come to me, are you angry at me? No, I'm just living my life. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how about with your ex?

Were you quite, did you need reassurance from your ex? Yes, yes, I think so. But I think that was also because like, it was quite, there were like, the thing I thought he would get angry at he he never did it was always like the most like in my opinion like the i could literally spit on his face and he'd be like fine but i could be like how was your day be like fucking hell oh so it was one of those it was i was always never sure to read anyway yeah i wasn't sure kind of where i stood in that sense

okay what's the next um attachment style the next attachment style is avoidant so this includes a failure to build long-term relationships due to an inability to engage in emotional intimacy oh shit so this did you say that again do you mind saying yes so it's a failure to build a long-term relationship due to an inability to engage in emotional intimacy okay so this is usually and not always but a lot of people say this is from despondent parents uh okay where you're not getting a lot from your parents in your childhood and you feel like they're kind of avoidant of you you then become avoidant of when it's other people yeah so how but that doesn't always have to be the case yeah but how it impacts relationships whilst you can

allow romantic partners to engage with you they avoid getting emotionally close so you're easily dismissive of partners when the relationship starts to feel too serious so signs include hard times trusting people dismiss dismissive of others, uncomfortable expressing your feelings and commitment issues. Interesting. I think this whole attachment style thing is really interesting because I actually think it can really depend on the person. Completely. Because I think you could be secure with one partner. Yeah. That ends and you could be seeing someone else, but then be avoidant. Completely.

I mean, I was even thinking about my ex. Like he had been cheating on with previous girlfriends and fuck me, was he highly strung because of that. Couldn't get, yeah. I met his parents. His parents were gorgeous. They were very nice people. So obviously I didn't know about the child or any of that,

but bloody hell could I see that those cheating had affected him. There was a lot of insecurity. There was loads of trust issues. Yes. Yeah. But what I was thinking with that one, avoidant, I think I was avoidant before I met Arch. Like I didn't really want to commit.

I also didn't want to. Didn't want to get too close. When things got too close, I kind of was like, oh. Yeah. Like, oh my God. Yeah. But to don't want to get too close when things got too close i kind of was like oh yeah like oh my god yeah but i don't know where that's from no because i think yeah i think it's really interesting because i've i probably think out of all of them avoidant is probably especially in our 20s and especially in modern dating like online oh my god i will like someone on hinge be like oh my god they're hot they message me i don't respond like i think there's a there's like a because there's such

an instant nature of online dating and especially dating in large cities as well it just feels like one after the other after the other yeah the i think people are becoming more avoidant yeah i think so as well being more picky yeah through being more picky but also i think people i think our generation is very scared to get rejected yes and i'm not saying you i'm saying our generation in general yeah i think and i think that rejection does come through social media we are put at such a high standard in comparison to other people so i think it's quite hard to find your own identity when all you can see is an archetypal yes idea of a woman and you think oh well I'm actually not that

I don't have those big boobs or I don't have the that kind of body or or that following on Instagram I don't know so I think that's that then makes you avoiding because you're like well I'll get rejected so I'm not doing this yes yeah so I think that's very interesting so the next one we've got is anxious so this is defined as thinking you are supposed to take care of other people's feelings and often becoming codependent okay i've got some interesting things about this one yeah and how these attachment styles impact relationships are they often blame themselves for challenges in relationship and can exhibit frequent and intense jealousy or distrust due to poor self-esteem. There's a deep rooted fear of rejection, which is really interesting. These signs include they can have clingy tendencies.

They often have a big fear of rejection. They will have very low self-esteem and they will need approval from others. Yeah. I know quite a lot of few people with this attachment style. I do think... Mainly women, actually. I do think quite a few people came to mind when I read this. I sit on a fence between this attachment style and avoidant.

No way. Especially, and I do catch myself doing it, and I think I joke because I'm a Pisces, so I just get attached, but I think I do, I definitely... You definitely do self-blame. Yes. Like, you're the first thing you will do.

You know when you have an argument with someone and they'll go right on the defence? Yeah. Oh, you know, and I know a lot of people that do that. You're the first thing you will do. You know when you have an argument with someone and they'll go right on the defence? Yeah. Oh, you know, and I know a lot of people that do that. You're the opposite. Yeah. You'll be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

Like without even thinking, hang on, am I in the wrong? Yes. You'll just go, I'm going to squash this, I'm going to squash this, I'm going to squash this. Yeah. So I'm going to avoid it, I'm going to avoid it, I'm going to avoid it. Literally.

And I don't remember times like that happening and I'd be like, you're not in the wrong. Yeah. But you'd be like, I don't want the drama. I don't want the... Yeah, that was interesting. And I definitely...

The only thing I don't vibe with is jealousy. I don't think I've ever... Are you a jelly bean? I don't think I've ever been like a jelly, jelly, jelly bean. Maybe. Not like insanely jealous. I've been a bit like but then also i do feel like sometimes i'm like oh well i feel assured like in myself yeah but i don't think

i've had intense jealousy i've never been like there's never been an issue where they're like oh my god you're so jealous okay okay the things funnily enough where i've been called paranoid have ended up being the case so and so i just call that a good gut instinct that's your gut yeah i think girls know boys no no you're being so paranoid don't try gaslight us to be like she's just a friend because we know that when you break up you were shagging weren't you yeah 100 what i was gonna say about this one though or also the codependency and thinking you're supposed to take care of others someone who I know who I'm really good friends with came straight to mind who I actually think of a lot

I think she mothers her partner interesting she is a gorgeous human being yeah like she has the kindest heart but whenever I spend time with her I see her as mothering her partner. Yes. And look, she's a very strong woman. She is. She's always taking care of them. Very much like you in the sense of if there's something the partner wants or they remind them of, she'll get them for it. Yes. She'll get that for them.

Sorry. But then I do sometimes say, but what are you getting out of this? Exactly. Because I think that people, this is part of it. I think when you're doing acts of service and you're doing things for them and you're like almost, you take on this like saviour role. Complex, yeah. Like, oh, well, like I'm going to help you and do that.

And for reward, they should like you just as you are without having to do all these things. Not saying that they don't now, but I also think it makes you feel less rejected because you're like, well, I've done X, Y, Z for you. So actually I've succeeded. Yeah. I think deep, deep fear of rejection. Yeah.

I vibe with that. Really? Yeah. One hundred percent. I mean, Hyundai pay. Hyundai pay. She wrote it. I literally will. She's like like i can't be rejected i literally i

actually have seen on tiktok loads of people doing rejection like therapy oh my god no way which is where people go up to like there was this one woman who was doing rejection therapy and she went up for it to cost us like a coffee and then asked can i make it behind the tip like can i make my own coffee? What? And they said yes. But it's like doing stuff where you know they would probably say no, so you get, like, you're used to it.

You're not scared of it. Oh, my God. But it's crazy. I've never heard of this rejection therapy. I've seen loads of people on TikTok doing it recently. Oh, my God, I need to have a look into that. And it terrifies me, but I'm like, I think I would love to try it. To give it a go. Yeah.

But I wonder where this anxious style comes from with like childhood. Like I was trying to think of it. I think that would often come from... Again, I think it is... Any fear of rejection, maybe there could be potentially maybe a feeling of left out. Yeah. Or not finding your place. So that you're trying so hard to stay in that environment where you're wanted.

Yes. Because before maybe you haven't been. Yes. And I feel like also wanting attention from parents or like guardians and wanting that, wanting to be recognised. So maybe you're feeling like your parents are being a bit despondent with you it gives a middle middle child vibe middle child vibes yeah yeah it's like secure gives like only child vibes yeah it does doesn't it avoiding gives

like eldest 100 i think anxious would be middle yeah so tell me the last one and the last one is disorganized so having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others so how it would impact a relationship is whilst they desperately seek love they also push partners away because they feel love at the same time so they often attract unpredictable partners as they enjoy inconsistency ah so size would include contradictory behaviors high levels of anxiety and fear of rejection oh i am not gonna lie this one stresses me out some people do love chaos yeah some yeah some people don't get me wrong i love a drama like sometimes when i'm in bed i'm like i'm feeling like a fight like i could argue right now i'd love one right now what scares me to see back and forth of that yes the kind of complete juxtaposition of one day i feel like this the

next day i feel like that the very what was the word you see unpredictable yeah that kind of stresses me out the thing i love the most about archie like i truly is how much i can rely on him yeah he's steady he is he's a steady steed he's a steady steady i know that if i just need to grab those reins and pull myself from board yeah you know it's all good i'll be safe oh no no no he is a steady steed and that is what I need in my life because I think I, I think I love the drama and I think I,

I'm a hothead. I'm 100% hothead. So I'll be like, nah, do you know what? Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. You know the example I'm thinking of recently.

Fuck this. I'm like, honestly, like all of you get out of my face. Archie's a steed. He's a steady steed and he'll be like, he knows as well,

so well how to handle it. He's not like, oh, he'll literally be like, completely get you, Kat. And then later on be like, whoa. Like, what was that about? Coil back there. Coil back. Coil. Where does it come from?

I love it. I love it so much. So that one, this whole disorganized stresses me out. It is quite stressful. And I also feel like people who are in like if you find yourself with inconsistent people i think it's again i also do think it wasn't featured on here but i think it could be also a low self-esteem thing because that's all you think you deserve yeah inconsistency yeah but if you but also how's that going to

reflect like in your life like yes you've got that relationships, but then surely that would reflect in your work. Yeah. And then surely it's just chaos. It seems like you love to hate it and hate to love it, which is a really interesting dynamic to have. And I think that also potentially comes from parents' emotional states as well. Yeah. Maybe also having absences.

Maybe you're just not really quite sure, am I supposed to amuse you guys today yeah yeah that it kind of gives chandler bing vibes yes you know like i need attention yeah so it's a really interesting one it is actually quite scary how childhood experiences really do impact stuff like this no genuinely like genuinely it makes me scared to be a parent oh my gosh i'm like what what do i do but you look at your parents and when the older you get the more you appreciate your mum and dad like you're like how did they do that how did you have and how did yeah when i fucked up or when i've made all these mistakes how were you just like yeah i'm a steady steve because literally i feel like my parents have given me so many like they teach you so much yeah so much and i've carried so many like coping mechanisms that my parents have taught me along in my life that benefit me and i'm like

how the how the fuck yeah it's so true though like i always talk to my mom and she says they're going to be things because the reason why my parents parented me the way they did is because of the way their parents parented them. It either could be the complete opposite or it could have been exactly the same. But my mum always says, when you have kids, you are going to take elements that you like and you're going to take elements that you don't. And she says, and that's no shade, but that's just you navigating. And it's the same with my sister.

My sister could parent very different to what I did. Yeah, it's your sister you know my sister could parent very different to i did yeah you know yeah it's interesting okay so this week of course we always have dilemmas about attachment styles and we've got some interesting ones for you and it should be interesting to know what the we could depict from what this yes 100 so hey girls i really need your help as the situation has arisen that is really stressing me out i have recently made it official with a guy after dating him for four months yeah he has always been a part of my big friendship group and we've always been referred to the ross and rachel oh always flirting and fancy each other but now we've fully gone for it oh yeah that's so exciting as a friend i knew him as confident playful self-assured and reassuring yeah lovely i like self-assured

yeah i think there's nothing sexier than a man like oh i know i know myself and i'm not saying cocky sexy i don't want i don't want cockiness i want oh no i know who i am quiet confidence it's really really sexy the first thing that i was so turned on about arch was how confident he was he's like my my first impression of arch was he is one confident chap he's a cold he was a first first to come up to me speak to me me. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah. Confident, confident check. And like,

oh, she's so, there's no, there's no second thought. He's not like, oh, should I, he's like, hi, hi. I'm like, oh, he's sexy. Do you know what I mean?

I'm like, oh yeah, you've got it. So, as a friend, I knew he was confident, playful, self-assured and reassuring. But now I've started dating him, I've started to see

a different side. Oh. He has very, self-assured and reassuring. But now I've started dating him, I've started to see a different side. Oh! He has very low self-esteem, which I didn't realise. This isn't an issue for me. Yeah. But I did kind of get taken aback when he asked me

if I could tell him every morning what is different about him than anyone else. I'm not going to lie, girls. I'm running out of fucking reasons. Oh, no. I'm just seeing him in a whole different light. Okay.

When we're back in our friendship group, he's completely different again. And to be honest, I fancy him way more when he's like that. Oh, that's hard. I really don't think this relationship is going to work. And when I tried to address my concerns with him, he said, well, we couldn't break up because it would break me. And the friendship grew.

Oh, no, no, no. I really stuck, girls. He's given me the ick. I do not like the way that he's attached himself to me, nor others. I never thought he was like this. Please help. His constant need for assurance is exhausting. And I don't think I'm interested enough to give it to him.

I don't want bad vibes in the friendship group, but I definitely can't keep dating him. Please help. Okay. Fuck. Every morning. Right. Why am I different?

Oh. Oh. I could. Oh. And I'm sorry if you're not, like, in love with them. Because when you're in relationships and you wouldn't have

oh my god and it wouldn't even be an issue if she was in love with him or she would want to to make him feel good I

I think I think you either give it oh but it's almost like mothering I was about to say and you shouldn't do it but be like look

I'm not going to play this game anymore you know how I feel about you and but you need to stop asking yeah like i like you i like where this could go but i'm clearly with you because i like you a lot please take that as reassurance from me and if you can't then you're gonna have to do and also fuck fuck he's always gonna ruin the friendship it like realistically the, it's going to ruin the friendship. Like, realistically. The only way it's going to ruin the friendship is if he lets her. Exactly. It's like, I know you wouldn't make it awkward.

I feel like women are actually really good at just cracking on. Cracking on. Not making it awkward. Actually, guys get a bit uptight and weird about it. Honestly, move on, darling. Yeah. I don't like that you said it would break me. No, I don't like that. Don it would break me i'm like no i don't like don't let that what's

the word made to feel guilty yeah to stay with him being like oh no because it's gonna really hurt him like that what life's hard all right yeah like he needs to get on the train and carry on yeah you're not responsible for him no you're really not no and you can't allow him to i think it's really different than that so funny that she bitch, you see him in a fringic grip, and she's like, God, I fancy you. And then they're together, and she's like, oh, get off me. I love it. I think, to be honest, I think you can't force him to be a certain way.

Like, you can't. And also, if you're forcing him to be a certain way, then he's not the right one for you. That's true. Because if you found a man who was what you find sexy, which, as you said earlier, earlier confident self-assured playful reassuring then that's the guy who's going to treat you right and that's the way it's going to be now look what i'm saying of course when you get deeper into relationship you're going to find

things about out about each other yeah and not everyone is always 100 reassured and confident there's always going to be times and i'm'm sure this girl knows this. Yes. But I think maybe because she's seen complete stark differences of the kind of guy she was going to get, and she's opened the Barbie box and she's like, whoa, I didn't order this. Yes. Yes. And it's also crazy, like, when you're seeing, like,

flirting with someone, you fancy someone a lot, and you start to kind of be like, oh my God, like, what's going to, gonna like imagining how it's gonna be what it could look like which i'm sure you would have done if you're in a friendship group and you're flirting on and off for months yeah 100 like you would be fantasizing everything it's gonna be like and it can go one of two ways where it's exactly what you wanted yeah or it's not opposite and a letdown and it's and it's It's a bitter pill to swallow. I would love to know if they've had sex. I think, when did she say?

I've recently made it official with a guy after dating for four months. Made it official? So I reckon they've had sex. I would love to know, though, what that was like. Like, was that great? Was that really good? Or was the fact that it was kind of underwhelming and he needs loads of reassurance and that?

Becky! Sorry, I'm sorry. I would find that hard. I'd find it really hard. I think you give him a stern warning. Final warning. I think, yeah. Look, darling, I think you need to be upfront.

I think you just need to say, I don't think you can criticise him for his insecurities. No. Because that's something he's going to work on and potentially take years to work on. And you can't stay with him while he's working on these because that's not your responsibility. No.

But I think you need to say, look, the idea of this relationship is actually quite different to what it has been. Yes. I am finding maybe your need for assurance quite... Don't say exhausting. That's the word she is quite hard yeah and is this something that you feel i don't know because i was literally about to say like is there anything offer is there anything i can do but don't do that actually no that's that's that's putting yourself in the anxious attention i'm just saying like i can fix

you like what can I do? Yeah. And to be honest, you can't fix him because this could take years for him to find his real inner love and inner strength. And also, I personally feel, especially in relationships, if there's something that they,

there's a glaring thing that they need to work on, for, not forcing, if you're trying to get them to work on it together, he will either resent you if he's not ready to work on it together yeah he will either resent you if he's not ready to work on it like it's just a big kettle of fish like he's got to want to want to change for himself yes yes and address the issue yeah i think personally i would cut my losses

i don't think you should get any too far by the sounds of it you look you said in this email i really don't think this relationship is going to work okay it sounds to me like you don't want it to work either because you're not interested yeah because if you did you'd be like i really like him still no i think you just need to be upfront and secure attachment style yeah you need to be upfront and just cut your losses before it gets too deep yeah because if you start dating and it goes longer and you go on holiday you meet his parents then everyone's going to get so involved and invested cut it off explain why in a nice way yeah just it's different to what i felt i feel phil were better as friends

believe it but what would you say that is do you think that i think that's anxious i think he's got an anxious attachment style especially if because it's very different obviously clearly if he's in other groups and he's Billy Big Bollocks, but behind closed doors he's chattering his teeth. Like, do you love me? It kind of gives, though, disorganised. Yeah, it kind of does, doesn't it? Yeah, like, half the time I'm putting on a face,

like, oh, and all this, all this. And then the next time I'm like, please could you tell me things about me that's different to the other guys you've sat with? That is so me at night, though, to be fair. I'm like, please, could you tell me things about me that's different to the other guys you've sat with? That is so me at night, though, to be fair. I'm like, actually, what makes me special? Okay, have we got a dilemma? Yeah.

So it's actually on a kind of similar vein here. Oh, go on. So, hi, girlies, please help me out with this one. I really don't know what to do. So basically, me and this guy have been in a situationship for around six months. Okay. So it's been very on and off mutually. However, we've got a lot closer and I'm looking to make things official.

Great. However, this guy will not talk about his feelings at all. I feel like I'm quite open and secure in my feelings, so I really have no issues in communicating that I like him a lot. But truly, some days I feel really undervalued by him. Oh, darling. When I confront him on the issue, he just gets defensive and upset Oh, darling. Okay.

There's one or two things this boy is doing. He's either a fucking idiot, which most men are. Yeah. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. Men can't express their feelings. No.

I would say in the bracket, apart from my dad and aunt Jake. Like men are so bad at expressing their feelings. Second thing. So he's either an idiot or he's messing around. Loves the game. Yeah. Because when men mess around, I mean, look,

I'm going to hold my hands up, not just men. When girls mess around as well, I'm fucking avoidant. I'm fucking, why do you need my attention? It's because I'm like, I don't want to address the situation because I'm also texting other people. Like, do you know what I mean? So this is, I'm thinking like him right now. I'm thinking, what was I doing before I was with Arch, when I was being avoided,

when you couldn't give a straight answer? Because when you give a straight answer, that's when you're honest. You think, yeah, I want to be with you. So I think you really need to assess the situation. You said you're in a situationship. So are you seeing other people? I feel.

Because if you're seeing other people yeah i think he is as well yeah i just i feel like have they just been like shagging on and off for a few months but they're friends like i literally can't six months is also a long time though so i don't like it's well you can fall in love in that and she said it was in wood wouldn't you oh with months give it a moment honestly brunch out look at me the wrong way and and that's it hold the door open i'm like i love you too love you weird way to propose but okay okay i feel like it's do you think he's an idiot or do you think he's playing a game i think it's a bit of both. I think, but because she said it's been on and off mutually.

Yeah. So I'm like, but is that, if we're being honest to ourselves, is that mutual? Because he wanted it to be that way and you were just going like, being,

being, and the anxious attachment. Yeah, being, oh, of course. Because that would be me. That would be me. And also, what I'm saying, oh, God, that's nice.

I'm all for myself. Oh, lovely. What i'm thinking as well the reason why i feel he is not interested i'm afraid to say is he was defensive yeah i don't understand why you can't see that i don't like you i really right right turn it down all right yeah why is your neck in something my parents don't tell you when you live it it's the most irritating thing why is your neck in you're like sorry sorry why is your neck in. Something my parents don't tell you when you're livid. It's the most irritating thing. Wind your neck in. Sorry. Wind your neck in though.

Because if I said to Arj, if I went to Arj or vice versa, maybe not me because I'm a hothead, but if he was like, I need, you know, are we okay? Like I'm kind of feeling, you're not giving up. I'd be like, oh my God, no, seriously. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to feel, I love you so much. Someone who cared about me would handle it in that way do you disagree to be the policeman on your shoulder go on i would

also say if someone's in a situation shit if he's developing real feelings and he's terrified of them okay and she's like look i really like you and she's so secure about it but like i feel like you're not that interested i do feel like there would be that kind of frustration being like what the like i literally like like you know that kind of frustration yeah that is devil's being like i'm opening my heart and i don't honestly know what more i can do because at this point i'm in a really i'm really stressed yeah like this is the first time i felt like this and i'm trying to manage your feelings it could be that it could be and if you feel like you're compatible it very well could be that okay well i think you need to sit with them and have a chat i think you need to not over text yeah face to face if you want this

to be a thing make it a thing and if it doesn't become a thing then he was never supposed to be your thing anyway yeah don't force the vibe no don't force vibe sit with him and just be like look i know how much you like just start off like that yeah what you got to do is gaslight them so they can't gaslight you so be like look i know you like me okay so he doesn't start getting defensive and i really like you what i want to kind of communicate and chat about is do you see this being a longer thing do you see us being in a relationship or are you feeling that this is more something is this the level we're going to stay at yeah because i think if we are going to stay at this level i think i'm going to catch too much feelings that it might hurt so can we be honest look

address it like that yeah because if he likes you then he'll be like oh no i i want to see this going because then i'll be shit scared to lose you but if he's thinking bloody hell jessica's on my phone hit me up yeah i need to see her right now he I'll be shit scared to lose you but if he's thinking bloody hell Jessica's on my phone hitting me up I need to see her he'll be like yeah this is the level it's going to be

great advice fabulous please can you let us know though because I'd be really interested if Peach is right or if I'm right

yeah because I'm I'm always ready to just assume they're always in love with me so you know like let me know let me know. Let me know.

Icks! How many do you have? I have one. I've got one. I'll ping pong you. Thank you. Okay, so my ick is when people blame their parents for everything.

So what I mean by this is, like, no... Accountability. No accountability. No responsibility or like repercussions for that action. It's always like, well, my mum's like that or, well, my dad left me. Well, yeah, that's just how it is. And I'm like, look, you need to detach from blaming your parents. Again, it's your parents' first time at living as well.

It's your parents' first time at being people yeah don't blame them for your actions and don't still be toxic with those actions you can change yeah like i know someone who was oh it's because my childhood okay it's good that you know where that comes from but how are you going to move on yes yeah and how are you going to let that go rather than being like oh i blame my parents it really is yeah yeah i'm like where's your account yes people have a lack like a lack of willingness to change their situation but will happily like blame others any any external reason i'm like but you can you don't have to act that way you're not a child so yeah i haven't changed it can it can be hard to like reverse those i don't underestimate that yeah but you can it's not impossible you can try yeah you know yeah okay ready yeah mine is bluntness oh god why are you being blunt when especially like especially which is interesting given the last dilemma when you're

getting kind of hot and cold vibes from a guy like they're all over you one day like oh my god like i literally like think you're so amazing, I would love to take you out. And then the next day, they're like, I'm like, hi, how are you? And they're like, yeah, fine. Shut the fuck up. Actually, shut the fuck up. And I literally can't deal with it. And it's the same, though, in friendships.

People, and when you try so hard being like, hey, oh, my God, how are you? I knew you were doing this. Did you enjoy it? Yeah. Really? Oh, that's weird. It's weird. Why are you being blunt? Like, I i just i hate people who are blunt i'm like it doesn't make

sense it really annoys me yeah especially when you have good repose with people and then all of a sudden they're like yeah yeah fine how are you look i get we all have bad days but i'm like what what is it about switching things up in here all of a sudden when people are just like or if you're having an argument and they're like well i didn't mean that so oh my god come on please i'm gonna be so blunt about it like it annoys me as well please oh yeah it's just i always always like i think when we have children and they come to us saying i'm talking to a guy and he's not texting back or he's just texting one word answer i'll be like look i don't know hey i've never i've never cracked the code with men i have no idea why that happens i have no idea i've never cracked

the code with men no i have no idea why there's a word answer because in do you want to tell my child all men air them air them they get they start giving you a little less oh fuck off because do you know what's gonna be interesting is it because you're so please please your kids will be the exact opposite oh your kids will be they'll be menaces i don't need your opinion yeah now they'll be northwest oh they'll be northwest they'll be like on a site no fuck off then fuck off then not my problem and you'll be like so proud of you girls i'm like so proud of you girls yeah yeah yeah and you and your hobby have an argument and they're standing up for mom and you're like thanks because i couldn't questions questions i've got a serious one i my question is do you think you can fix them

or as in fix your partner good question because i will often find i love a project i love a project no you don't yeah he fucking is and she'll get the scaffolding she'll get the drill i'll come in bob the builder day one i'm ready which i need to stop doing but i also find they come to me also okay i'm gonna say no i don't think you can i think in relationships there are always going to be differences yeah or there are going to be little things that you don't like yeah that's normal yes natural and there are things about Archie and there are things about myself since being with each other have changed yes like I would say let's use the hot headache example Archie has helped me be able to avoid that by being calm and maybe holding my tongue rather than and he has never said that to me yeah he's never said you need to hold your tongue no i'm telling you that oh no i wouldn't

do well he's never said that but our relationship has been has really helped me do that yeah and vice versa when i first met him i found arch like say negative things i was like don't be so negative i was like come on i love the positive vibes yes and now he's like he'll always see the positive side first and i'm like oh so interesting yeah so i think there i think there are differences but i think the fundamental fixing no they needed to either go to because what's that fixing from let's use my ex as an example yeah cheating yeah i could not have kept reassuring him for years that i'm not going to what would it have taken for to have a wedding ring to have a baby yeah yeah what will have you need to go to therapy you need to talk to someone to truly get over that yeah i think fixing them it depends what it's about

like i think you can help work through it with them yes but ultimately again it's the blaming of the people i need you to reassure me to get this no you need to find in yourself what needs to change in order for you to heal yeah because I don't think you can take that responsibility either say yeah let's say for example you you start seeing a guy who had absent parents yeah so he always is quite harsh feels he it's hard to love yeah and hard to be loved yeah and you offer him so much love and he's like god i finally found what love feels like and you've given that to me great yeah but he doesn't know parental love he knows partnership yeah fantastic yeah and that's what you've given to him yeah you

can help him yeah i don't think you can fix them i don't think you can what do you think she's like i'm not for it watch me fly i'm not for it yeah i i know i i do i can't say i've actually succeeded i think i i think it's do you look for a fixer-upper i think there's a quality of people that i find i'm attracted to vulnerable when i i can't even like explain it i think if they've got something they i just feel like i would be really good at doing that and i love helping people but again i think that's an anxious attachment thing but i love helping others and i love being there for people as a friend so god would i want to be there to help them in a relationship and maybe it's because i deep down i want to be trusted enough to yeah

okay trusted with their vulnerabilities maybe get that get that yeah i don't know it's always it's always the case that i find that i really fancy someone i get to know them a bit more and i go yeah oh there are a few things that need to be sorted out there they're a bit a bit red flaggy but maybe we can tackle those how would you feel if you were the fixer in the relationship so all of a sudden someone comes along yeah what did we used to

call him Ben Ben Ben comes along six foot two strapping lad yeah really nice boy

yeah he is steady steed he's an arch he's a steady steed and now you're the fixer upper and he starts to help fixing you

how would you feel with that? maybe I wouldn't I wouldn't mind it depends how we approached it if he was patronising I'd be like you can fuck off

if he was now let's think about that yeah no no but I would find that I would find it maybe a bit odd but I would appreciate

it in a sense but would you find it hard that you couldn't fix him? would you be like oh no I would kind of love I would love it if they were be like oh no i would kind of love i would love it

if they were fully like oh yeah so secure yeah yeah okay and i just find most of the people i attract or i'm attracted to have something going on and i'm always like again you're like not again i'm like oh it's like that olivia rodrigo song I am my father's daughter, so maybe I can fix him. You always want to be the person that changes the fat boy. You do. You do. You do. You want to be that girl.

You want to be the person that's hot. God, he wasn't like that before you. He times. Yeah, that was you. Fact. There's nothing better. No, you've got that. Yeah.

Medal. Thank you. And Arch has that medal as well, actually. Arch does have that medal. Yeah. I'm kind of that medal as well, actually. Arch does have that medal. Yeah. I'm kind of like, fuck's sake, I know my vulnerabilities. Okay, so my silly question, before we go any further, is what is the one attachment style that you find the hardest,

that you maybe dislike the most, or you find the most kind of difficult to navigate? I think avoidant. Avoidant, okay. Would you rather have your partner's attachment style most or you find the most kind of difficult to navigate? I think avoidant. Avoidant. Okay. Would you rather have your partner's attachment style to be avoidant? Right. Okay. So that comes with all of the intricacies, all of the kind of flip-flop, one day I feel like this, the other day I feel like this. Why would I say that? Kind of defensiveness like what's going on there would you rather your partner be avoidant or would you rather everyone else in your life so your friends

your teachers your lecturers your let's say hypothetical counselor therapist your boyfriend's parents your children everyone in your life to have that attachment style and he doesn't he doesn't your partner ben yeah then doesn't he's steady steed but that everyone else does i think i would have to have my partner be avoided really yeah yeah because i feel like in many fixer upper me we could work on that like you can't do that song from like it's a bit of a big rapper yeah i love it yeah okay i think and also i could recognize i could recognize those traits and be like okay it's not about me i could take myself out of the equation and we can maybe work through that yeah if my fuck if everyone around me was bolting every five seconds was so hot and cold i would get so annoyed and my partner

i think would resent me from how annoyed i'd be getting about it yes yes so i think i would have to take ben being an avoidant yeah yeah what would you do i'd do the same yeah i would have to do the same yeah i'm not imagining getting a gp appointment or something excuse me yeah yeah i couldn't do that no but with my partner, I'd be a fix dropper as well. I'd be like, come on, let's work through this. Let's not be avoided. Yeah, so. I agree.

Fabulous. What a fantastic episode. I love it. We've come to the end. I hope you all have a fabby dabby week. The weather is fabby dabby. The weather is gorgeous out there. Oh my god, enjoy it. And hey, any English Roses out there, SPF on. Stay safe. Everyone's actually SPF.

Everyone. Yeah. Everyone SPF on. Don't want to get burned. No, don't get burned this summer. Hot girl summer. It's hot girl summer. All right.

Love you guys. Love you. Great week. See ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. right wing see ya bye